Fighting parents might be more harmful to child development than divorce, study suggests

The damage caused to a child's development during a family breakdown is done before the parents separate, a study suggests.

Researchers at the University of York say children of divorcees are around 30 per cent more likely to have behaviour or emotional issues because of the arguing at home they have witnessed.

The research was based on data from 19,000 children born in the UK in 2000 and looked at 'non-cognitive' skills such as behaviour, emotional issues and interaction with peers.

The findings were presented at the Royal Economic Society's annual conference in Bristol.
The study also found that children of divorce perform about 20 per cent lower for cognitive skills. This gap is largely down to parents' education and finances, the study suggested.

Divorced parents

Gloria Moroni, from the Department of Economics and Related Studies, said: "The main result of my research is that the fact that children of divorced parents have on average lower cognitive and non-cognitive skills compared with children of intact families is not necessarily due to divorce itself.

"Most of the damage is given by pre-divorce circumstances and characteristics of the family.
"For example, parents who decide to divorce may also be lower-educated, may also be poorer, or they may have more conflictual relationships.

Cognitive gaps

She added: "The most interesting thing is that when comparing cognitive and non-cognitive skills, what we find is that cognitive gaps are mainly driven by the fact that parents who decide to divorce are also for example, less educated and have lower financial resources.

"But on the other hand, the non-cognitive gaps are mostly driven by the fact that parents who divorce have more conflictual relationships."

Dr Moroni said that the results suggest that interventions that encourage parents to co-operate, or that make them aware of the negative impact of conflicts on children, could help to close these non-cognitive gaps.


Source: https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-04-parents-child-divorce.html#jCp

The Importance of Persistence and Keeping Going

"It's not that I'm smart, it's that I stay with problems for longer"
- Albert Einstein

Persistence is one trait that can make all the difference to what you achieve and how you work through divorce and yet it can be really hard to harness. When times get tough, keep pushing, keep taking action and believe in the power of your efforts to get the results you deserve.

"Keep the faith. The most amazing things in life tend to happen right at the moment you're about to give up"

4 Proven Ways to Overcome Adversity

Does it seem like every challenge that you experience becomes a big headache in your life?

No matter what adverse events you are currently experiencing, there is a purpose behind each one. For most of us, it’s difficult to imagine that losing a child or finding out that you have cancer is a blessing. I know from personal experience.

I was sexually molested and exploited at the age of 18. It took me a while to view it as a learning experience. The way in which you view adversity will either allow you to be set free from the heartache, confusion, guilt, and fear or allow you to be negatively affected in every aspect of your life.

After experiencing an adverse event, you will be at a crossroads. You can either view it as a blessing or allow your past to control the rest of your life.

Here are four proven ways to overcome adversity:

1. Surround yourself with positive people. Be selective with the people you surround yourself with. Indirectly they will affect your mood and your outlook. When you are in an emotional state of mind, it’s important to surround yourself with people who are supportive and encouraging.Human beings conform to those around them. Conformity is the change of behavior caused by another person or group of people. When experiencing adversity, it’s crucial in your development to surround yourself with people who are accepting of your flaws, mistakes, and imperfections. Overcoming adversity can be a challenge; when you have a supportive team helping you move forward, it’s much easier to accept yourself.

2. Write. There is something so peaceful in writing down your thoughts. However short or long your journal entries are, the process of writing down your emotions allows you to reflect.There are many benefits to writing:

• Allows for self-expression
• Helps give feedback about your life
• Allows you to better understand your current situation
• Allows you to think outside the box
• Makes you a better philosopher

Writing in a journal once a day can help in you overcome adversity. Whatever emotions, feelings or thoughts come to mind, jot it down. Years from now you’ll be able to reflect and see just how much you have developed.

3. Be in nature. Nature is very therapeutic. Living in a society where we are constantly moving around, we are disconnected from the beauty of nature. Whether it be walking in the park or gardening at home, taking the time to connect yourself with nature is a very healing process.There have been more than 100 research studies that have shown that outdoor activities reduce the level of stress. With adversity comes stress and frustration. Taking the time to be outside is a way for you to nurture your being and allow yourself to take a deep breath and relax. The sun and the air give you a sense of calmness during the face of adversity. Take about 10-20 minutes outside each day and find your stress level decreasing.

4. Start investing in yourself. There is no greater investment than the investment within your own personal development.Experiencing adversity is a great excuse for people not to take charge of their lives. We all face adversity in some way. What makes one individual succeed and another not is how they handle their adversity. Many of us allow challenges to defeat us. What we need to focus on is developing into a stronger and wiser individual because of the challenges. There is no better way to do so than developing your internal world.

Get yourself a library card and start reading self-help books. Take a look at the audio section and find yourself a few audio programs that you would like to listen to in the car. It’s about starting that momentum moving forward rather than backward.

Your adversity is a blessing in disguise. You may not think so at the moment, but it will eventually make you stronger and wiser.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/30/4-proven-ways-to-overcome-adversity/

21 Ways to Create and Maintain a Positive Attitude

Your attitude determines how you live your life.

Even if –at any given time–your choices of action are limited, your choices regarding your attitude are not. Always choose a positive attitude.

A positive attitude makes you happier and more resilient, it improves your relationships, and it even increases your chances of success in any endeavor. In addition, having a positive attitude makes you more creative and it can help you to make better decisions. To top it all off, there are studies that show that people with a positive attitude live longer than their sourpuss counterparts. Below you’ll discover 21 ways to create and maintain a positive attitude.

1. Have a Morning Routine. How you start your morning sets the tone for the rest of the day. Make sure that you have an attitude-boosting morning routine that puts you in a good mood so that you can start the day off right.

2. Carry An Attitude of Happiness With You. Instead of waiting for external things to make you happy, be happy and then watch how that influences the things that go on around you. That is, instead of telling yourself that first something good has to happen, and then you’ll be happy, be happy first. Happiness is an attitude, not a situation.

3. Relish Small Pleasures. Big pleasures—graduation, getting married, being promoted, having your book published—come too infrequently. Life is made up of tiny victories and simple pleasures. With the right mental attitude, watching the sunset, eating an ice cream cone, and walking barefoot on the grass are all you need to be filled with joy.

4. Smile. Smiling will give you an instantaneous attitude boost. Try smiling for a minute while you think of a happy memory or the last thing that made you smile. Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin, also known as the feel good hormones. It’s a lot easier to adopt a positive attitude when the chemicals being released by your body are conducive to well-being.

5. Upload Positivity to Your Brain. Read books with a positive message, listen to music with uplifting lyrics, and watch movies in which the protagonist’s optimism helps him/her to overcome obstacles and win, despite the odds. Change your attitude for the better by uploading as much positivity into your brain as you possibly can.

6. Take Responsibility. At any moment your attitude can be that of a victim or of a creator. The first step you need to take to shift from victim-mode to creator-mode is to take responsibility. Here’s the attitude of a creator:

I create my life.
I am responsible for me.
I’m in charge of my destiny.

7. Have a Zen Attitude. Think of life not as something that’s happening to you, but as something that’s happening for you. Look at any challenging situation, person, or event as a teacher that’s been brought into your life to teach you something.

The next time you find yourself thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” choose to have a Zen attitude, instead. Ask yourself, “What am I supposed to learn or gain from this”? or “How will this help me grow and become a better, more enlightened being?”

8. Be Proactive. A reactive person allows others and external events to determine how they will feel. A proactive person decides how they will feel regardless of what may be going on around them. Be proactive by choosing your attitude and maintaining it throughout the day, regardless of what the day may bring.

9. Change Your Thoughts. Positive thoughts lead to a positive attitude, while negative thoughts lead to a negative attitude. Changing your attitude is as easy as hitting the “pause” button on what you’re thinking and choosing to think different thoughts.

10. Have a Purpose. Having a purpose in life gives you a fixed point in the horizon to focus on, so that you can remain steady amid life’s vicissitudes and challenges. Bringing meaning and purpose into your life—knowing why you are here—will do wonders for your attitude.

11. Focus On the Good. In order to have a positive attitude, focus on the good. Focus on the good in yourself, the good in your life, and the good in others.

12. Stop Expecting Life to Be Easy. The truth is, life gets tough at times. For all of us. It can even be painful. But you’re brave and resourceful, and you can take it. Know that sometimes things won’t be easy, and adopt the attitude that you have what it takes to deal with anything that life throws at you.

13. Keep Up Your Enthusiasm. Enthusiastic people have a great attitude toward life. Have a list of ways to lift your enthusiasm ready for those times when you feel your zest for life draining away. Being enthusiastic will help you maintain the attitude that life is good and that you’re lucky to be alive.

14. Give Up On Having An Attitude of Entitlement. Think of the parable “Who Moved My Cheese?” by Spencer Johnson. Two little mice and two miniature people are put in a maze. Here’s what happens:

When the mice discover that the cheese isn’t where it’s supposed to be, they immediately get to work on finding another piece of cheese.

The two miniature people, instead, get angry that the cheese has been moved. They waste time expressing outrage and blaming each other.

Stop demanding that things be handed to you. Your attitude at all times should be the following:

• It’s up to me to get what I want.
• Good things come to those who work hard.
• I adapt to change easily and quickly.
• I keep going even when things get tough.

15. Visualize. When things aren’t going your way, keep a positive attitude by visualizing yourself succeeding and achieving your goals. When Nelson Mandela was incarcerated—in a tiny cell that was just 6 feet wide–he kept his hopes up by visualizing himself being set free.

Mandela once said, “I thought of the day when I would walk free. Over and over again, I fantasized about what I would like to do.” By visualizing his release he was able to maintain a positive attitude, even when he found himself under extraordinarily difficult circumstances.

16. Limit Your Complaints. Whining about anything and everything is not conducive to a positive attitude. When you complain you’re saying negative things about a person, place, or event, without offering a solution to fix the situation. Instead of complaining, do the following:

• Remove yourself from the situation.
• Shift your perspective about the situation.
• Offer a possible solution.

Accept that there’s nothing you can do to change the situation and that complaining about it just fosters negativity.

Constantly complaining leads to a bad attitude. So stop complaining. Instead, start looking for solutions or accept what cannot be changed.

17. Watch Your Words. Use positive words when you talk to yourself.Studies have found that positive self-talk can boost your willpower and help you psych yourself up when you need to get through a difficult task. In addition, it can calm you down when you’re worried or anxious.

If you want to change your attitude from “I can’t do this” or “I’m going to fail”, to “I’ve got this” or “I’m going to do great”, change your self -talk.

18. Use The Power of Humor. People who know how to laugh at themselves and at life’s absurdities have a great attitude. Your sense of humor is a power tool, and you can use it to lift your mood and enhance your emotional state at any time.

When something goes wrong, ask yourself, “What’s funny about this?” A humorous perspective will have a positive effect on your attitude.

19. Use Gratitude to Improve Your Attitude. When you find yourself focusing on what’s wrong in your life, what you don’t have, or what you’re missing out on, adjust your attitude by feeling gratitude.

Studies show that having an attitude of gratitude is beneficial for every aspect of your life: being grateful improves your health, your mood, your relationships, your career satisfaction, and on, and on. If you need an attitude lift simply think of all the things that you have to be grateful for.

20. Develop an Attitude of Curiosity. The best way to approach any situation is to be open to what you can learn from it. That is, be curious.

Curiosity gives you a present-moment orientation which is similar to mindfulness. Being curious about a situation allows you to experience it more fully. In addition, curiosity will help you to approach uncertainty in your daily life with a positive attitude.

21. Seek Out Others With a Positive Attitude. A positive attitude is contagious. When you feel that you need an attitude boost, find someone with a great attitude and look for an excuse to hang out with them. Their attitude can’t help but rub itself off on you and you’ll be able to face the world with renewed optimism.

Conclusion

John Mitchell once said the following: “Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude toward us.” The 21 tips above will help you to keep a positive attitude at all times. Live your best life by having a great attitude.

Source: https://daringtolivefully.com/positive-attitude

How I picked myself up after divorce

Andrea Gillies had no idea her husband wasn't happy. Till one day, out of the blue, he told her in no uncertain terms

If anyone asks "What's the closest you've come to death?" I answer with the medical emergency I had long ago: the blue light, the ambulance … but the real answer is the night my husband told me he didn't love me any more. That felt like a death, at least. I had assumed that we were happy. It was a physical shock – I was reduced to gibbering and panic – and the striking, persuasive thing was that he didn't care; he had stopped caring what I felt about anything: that was the point. He went off overseas the next morning on business, as planned, and I made arrangements to move out.
There would be crying for a long time, on and off, but for the first week there was weeping more or less without stopping. I did it while crossing the park with the dog and walking along the beach. I wailed my way about town and sobbed in checkout queues. I lost all social embarrassment.

Three and a half years later, I live in a rented flat 200 miles away and we are divorced. The last time we met was almost two years ago, at a family event. We asked each other how we were, like acquaintances with no conversation. He was wearing a jacket I'd bought him once, from the Boden sale, and looked smaller than I remembered. For some reason, I told him this, and he said: "Yes, I appear to be shrinking."

He didn't look too unhappy about it. I realised that I wasn't going to say any of the one-liners that had queued up in my head ready for this moment, and which dealt saltily with the pain and chaos his decision had caused. Something about the day was too banal, and there was too much. I knew I wasn't going to say anything personal to him ever again.

Besides, technically, I had already moved on by then, following the directive that, at some point, you have to get back out there. I wasn't much interested in other men, but I made myself be interested; the one thing that seemed obvious, from my vantage point in the slough of despond was that only the distraction of another relationship was going to help me get out of it. The memory of being tracked at night across the sheet by someone intent on spooning in his sleep wasn't fading: quite the opposite. It had become powerful and undermining. It wasn't the prospect of being alone that was the problem. If I had been able to eradicate the sense of loss, if I had been able to reboot my brain and start afresh, I might have been happy to be alone. But I was constantly haunted.

If you work at home and don't talk to strangers in pubs or do sport or belong to associations, and don't have school-age children, it is very hard to meet new people. After a while it seemed obvious that online dating was the only way forward, though I wasn't prepared for how much effort that would take. The process of being "on offer" was not only humiliating, but time-intensive. Soon, a significant chunk of every evening was taken up patrolling half-a-dozen dating websites, pruning my advertising copy and getting into conversation with people. Often they proved to be the wrong people, though the realisation could take a lot of effort and a lot of Skyping, trying to establish a friendship so as to minimise the sense of risk.

People on dating sites fall into two camps: the instant meeters, who say hello and want to have a drink on Friday and those who have been badly burned and need a long run-up (I fell into the second category). There are different rules there, inside the digital flirtation pool, and people behave in ways they never would otherwise. The discarding of people becomes commonplace because it can be seen as a throwaway culture of endlessly refreshing offers.
One high-achieving, emotionally literate, sane-seeming man sent two emails a day for a month, growing ever more sure I was the woman for him, before deciding he didn't want to meet after all. Not meeting became the norm. Sometimes just before the date the confession emerged: his unusual fetish, his being a decade older than the profile suggested or the existence of a wife watching television in the next room, entirely oblivious. At other times it was simpler: he got off on the attention and was lonely, but not actually interested.
Somewhat dented, I gave up for a while but all attempts to meet someone in other ways failed. Partly this was to do with being middle-aged and out of shape. If I dropped a glove in winter in the street, there was never a man rushing to retrieve it, smitten and intent on taking me ice-skating.

Back in the online swamp, I began to give myself pep talks about the good-enough match. I began to operate in a kind of optimistic denial. It is easy to get into a situation in which he is keen and you are not very, or vice versa: a pragmatic clinging together of incompatibles, for just a little while, until too sad or bored to cling on any more. There are times in life when the sea is more attractive than the lifeboat.

Unrequitedness was a big issue. Men who reminded me of my husband, the interesting, handsome ones to whom I wrote long, witty letters, naively expectant of my worth being obvious, were out of my reach, talking to younger women with smaller bottoms. Rows and rows of contestants, even of age 50-plus, specified that they would meet only females under 30 who were a maximum size 12. A man of 56 told me: "Plain fact is, you're the wrong side of 40 and Rubenesque, which means you've got very little prestige." He told me to go to the gym and give up carbs. A frequenter of the manosphere, an online subworld of male bloggers and commenters, used the manosphere acronym SMV (sexual market value) so as to inform me that I didn't have much of it. It was all very disheartening and the end result was that I became grateful for crumbs of hope. In that situation, if someone nice crosses your path, genuinely single, not alarming-looking, someone you like on first sight, and the date goes well, and he's keen to have a second: the day this happens is a magnificently lucky day.

It seemed less and less likely that it would happen. But then, a year ago, reading new listings on a website from which I was about to delete myself, I met a man called Eric, a very tall man (good), who lived alone (good) and who worked in IT (maybe not so good). I wasn't sure, after the first date – nervously, he talked a lot about fibre optics – and that's when lots of people give up, thinking that if there is no instant "spark", there's no point.

There's a lot of crap talked about the spark. I can tell you from my own experience that sometimes it doesn't emerge for quite a while. Sometimes, people are just slow to get to know.

Some of the most endearing things about Eric have only emerged over time. Besides knowing a lot about the stars and about science, he has a secret passion for romcoms, is a buyer of surprise flowers and tickets, is up for budget flights on winter weekends, and is the uncrowned prince of DIY.

It also turns out that he is the kindest man I have ever met. If I were to lock myself in the bathroom and howl like a wounded fox, as I did the night my ex made his announcement, Eric would be distraught. He would sit on the floor and talk to me through the door, and beg to be let in to comfort me. Kindness is too often under-rated.

What is also noticeable is the constant physical proximity when we are together: the snuggling, the wanting to have a point of contact when sitting – a shoulder, a knee – and the frequent glancing touches when we are cooking together; the fact that even when it's cold, he'll take one glove off in the street so that we can hold hands skin to skin.

Not that things are simple. He has his baggage and I have mine, the actual and metaphorical, though I'm learning to live with the shadow, the one cast by grief. At the start I spent a lot of time fighting it, convinced I couldn't see anyone else until the shadow was gone. The truth is that it probably won't disappear altogether. It wears slowly away, like other griefs, and the trick is to accept that and be happy. Sometimes, even now, the ex pops up in dreams. Sometimes we have a frank exchange and he finally sees things from my point of view: a search for closure, I suppose. Once, when he visited me in my sleep, he told me he had broken up with the other woman, and I was horrified to find myself begging him to come home. It isn't something I'd do when awake, not now, but sometimes the subconscious hangs on to things the conscious mind has put to rest.

Now when I hear that people are to divorce I feel an acute pity. Separating is hard. When I was young and everything was black and white, I would see those articles about great life stressors and wonder about divorce being in the list next to bereavements and tumours. Even when you are happily married, the idea of separation is sometimes quite tempting. Your own flat and your own things; shopping and eating and travelling at will; a single's social life again and blessed independence.

At ordinary low points in a relationship you might think: "Well, it will be sad and there will be tricky negotiations over property and books, but it will be OK." The reality is somewhat different. What I hadn't expected was how much divorce would undermine the past. The doubts can begin to breed and multiply. Did he really mean it when he said "I do"? When did his heart begin to sink in response to my affection? Were they really happy, those holidays marked by smiling photographs? I can drive myself mad trying to identify the turning point.

But most of the time I don't obsess over these things. Most of the time I live my life forwards and can stop myself from looking back. Admittedly there are still bad, self-destructive days when everywhere I go, all I see is everything I've lost. Sometimes they are quite concrete things: I lost my house, for instance, and may never be able to afford one again. Other less tangible kinds of loss strike deeper, and quantifying them is a seductively bad habit. There are times, even now, when I beat myself up because suddenly it's obvious that it must have been my fault. Superficially, we were happy: it wasn't a bickering, obviously bad sort of a marriage and the end of it shocked everyone we knew, but the fact has to be faced that he was so miserable that he was driven into a corner, and turned his own life upside down in his desperation to be free. That's the shadow that's difficult to shift. But you have to live your life as forward-facing as you can. And you learn as you go; you learn so much.

I live my life differently now. I don't know if I could live with someone again. I don't assume that love will last, or look forward beyond the summer. Fundamentally, no matter what promises we make, the truth is that today is all we have.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/apr/12/how-i-picked-myself-up-after-divorce

The Gift of Adversity

How often have you heard people say, after sustaining a major trauma, “It was terrible at the time, but it turned out for the best?” Can this really be true, or are they kidding themselves? Was it really a change for the better or just a rationalization to make them feel better?

What got me thinking along these lines was a decision to write a collection of stories about lessons I had learned from events in my life and in the lives of others I have known. On reflection, I realized that my most valuable lessons arose from difficulties and setbacks I had to confront, and imperfections I had to accept. Paradoxically, these adversities yielded unexpected gifts.

Before going any farther, I should emphasize the obvious: Adversity is in many ways undesirable — like when dog bites man. At its worst, adversity can be paralyzing, disabling or even fatal. On the other hand, it is interesting to consider what Shakespeare called the sweet uses of adversity, comparing them to the precious jewel in the head of an ugly and venomous toad. Nietzsche agreed, famously declaring that, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Such observations led me to my latest book, The Gift of Adversity.

But anecdotes aside, was Nietzsche right? What does science have to say about the matter? In 2004, Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun of the University of North Carolina Charlotte defined a concept they called posttraumatic growth (PTG). They write that, “the frightening and confusing aftermath of trauma, where fundamental assumptions are severely challenged, can be fertile ground for unexpected outcomes that can be observed in survivors.”

I can personally attest to the accuracy of their statement. Here is a description of how I felt, after I was stabbed, nearly to death.

As I recovered physically, a new urgency stirred inside me, or rather, it felt as though something entered me from the outside — a force, a power, a drive — that directed me to create, produce and reproduce. I was like someone swept along in the thrall of a post hypnotic suggestion. My senses were heightened for everything, including a powerful sense of time passing. I had enormous appreciation for being alive. I felt I had to do things with my life — and quickly. I could relate to people who feel as though they have been born again.

Apparently this type of change is common, and Tedeschi and Calhoun emphasize that PTG is “a consequence of attempts to re-establish some useful basic cognitive guides for living.” The field of PTG is part of the exciting new discipline of positive psychology in which researchers and clinicians strive to understand how to boost psychological health and happiness, not simply to reverse sorrow and distress.

Psychologist Mark Seery and colleagues analyzed data from a national survey and concluded that, “a history of some lifetime adversity predicted better mental health and psychological well-being than did a history of no adversity or high adversity.” Seery’s group followed up with a prospective study in which they assessed past history of adversity in 147 participants and then gave them two challenge tests: one negative — having them plunge hands into ice cold water — and one positive — giving them an intelligence test. As with their earlier survey findings, the researchers observed that those people with intermediate histories of adversity showed more resilience on both tests than those at either extreme of the spectrum (no adversity or a high degree of adversity).

Such findings may lead us to conclude that Nietzsche was only partially correct, though it hardly improves the epigram to say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger — unless it almost kills you.”

Studies like those of Seery and colleagues are undoubtedly important, but because they are confined to the laboratory and span just a short period, they probably underestimate the transformative powers of adversity — how hardship toughens us, deepens our understanding of life and of ourselves and, in the end, leaves us with hard-earned wisdom — the bittersweet fruit of adversity. It is that type of transformation that I have sought to capture and communicate in my new book The Gift of Adversity.

Norman E. Rosenthal, M.D. is clinical professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University Medical School. Besides The Gift of Adversity, he has written the New York Times best-seller Transcendence, and Winter Blues. He maintains a website at www.normanrosenthal.com.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/norman-e-rosenthal-md/overcoming-adversity_b_3779880.html

Exercises for Stress & Anger Management

Stress and anger often go hand in hand. As your stress levels rise, so do your levels of frustration and tension. Likewise, repressed or uncontrolled anger can cause aggravation and stress. If you think you have a problem handling anger and stress in your life, you may want to consider seeing a counselor. Effectively handling your anger requires a combination of stress and anger management exercises. You can learn these techniques on your own or discuss them with your therapist for maximum benefit.

Physical Exercise

Physical exercise is one of the most effective methods for reducing anger and stress, according to author Vicki L. Schutt in her book, "How to Effectively Control Your Anger." Physical exercise provides you with an opportunity to release your emotions, especially if you feel as if you're about to explode. Additionally, exercise can help to reduce stress levels by increasing your body's production of endorphins, which are natural "feel-good" neurotransmitters that promote feelings of well-being. The next time you feel stressed or angry, try going for a run or a walk.

Reframing Exercise

Reframing is a mental technique used to diffuse hostile feelings and anger, according to author Richard West and Lynn H. Turner in their book, "Understanding Interpersonal Communication: Making Choices in Changing Times." It helps by changing your attitude about a given situation and changing the "frame" around it so you can see it in a more positive, productive light. Write down your negative, angry feelings for two days. Any time you experience a negative or angry thought, write it down. At the end of these two days, see if you can notice a theme in your thought patterns. Perhaps there is a general feeling or need that is not being met. Take one of the negative, angry thoughts you've written down and try to figure out a positive or productive counter-argument. For example, if you've written "I hate everyone," or "Everyone is out to get me," you could think, "Everyone has bad days, other people have problems, too." This exercise is most helpful if you are able to discuss your reactions with a therapist or trusted friend.

Deep Breathing

Deep breathing exercises can help you to relax, take time out and help you to gain control over yourself and the situation you're in. Deep breathing can reduce stress and anger by re-focusing your mind on bodily sensations instead of negative, volatile thoughts. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, deep breathing exercises can help your body to relax itself. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie down. Place one hand on your stomach and close your eyes. Inhale and focus on filling your abdominal area, then your chest, with breath. Pause, and slowly exhale. Continue breathing in this manner until you feel calmer and more relaxed.

Progressive Relaxation

Progressive relaxation is a technique that can relieve stress, anger and tension. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, this exercise is best performed lying down. You consciously tense and relax the major muscle groups in your body. Close your eyes, and tense your toes and feet for a few seconds, then release. Next, tense your calves and lower leg, then release. Continue tensing and relaxing your muscles until you get to your head. As you tense and relax each muscle, breathe deeply and allow your mind to focus solely on the physical sensations you are experiencing.

Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/335841-exercises-for-stress-anger-management/