Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and in the midst of the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed. In this section, we will talk about practical ways that divorcing people can cope with and make the best of their stressful circumstances.
There are really two sides to the divorce process; the human emotional side and the formal legal side. Different coping strategies and skills are appropriate to address each of these aspects of divorce.
Emotional Coping
Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear at the prospect of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all of these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am.
Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them so as to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.
Allow grieving to occur. Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course. The grief process tends to unfold in predictable patterns. Most commonly, people move back and forth between a shocked, numb state characterized by denial, depression, and/or minimization of the importance of the loss, and outraged anger, fear, and vulnerability. The dialog between numb and upset continues over time as the person emotionally digests the nature of the loss. Ultimately, enough time passes that the loss comes to be thought of as something that happened in the past, and that is not a part of day-to-day life. Grief doesn't so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a while.
Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses. Someone whose marriage was betrayed might take a longer time to work out their grief and to do it in a more vocal way than someone who chose to leave a marriage of their own accord. Someone who found out suddenly about their spouse's affair might grieve differently than someone who has watched their marriage deteriorate for years.
It is not realistic that grief over a lost marriage should be worked out in a month or even several months. Most people will continue to deal with the emotional ramifications of loss for many months, sometimes even several years. Several years is a long time, however; really too long to spend exclusively grieving when life is so short. People who find that grief has not for the most part abated after 12 months have gone by are strongly urged to seek the assistance of a professional therapist.
Choosing to move forward. While grief can be immobilizing at first, after a while, most grieving people find that, little by little, they are ready to move on with their lives. For a time, they may find themselves moving on and grieving at the same time. Over time however, if everything goes well, the grieving process loses steam and more energy becomes available for moving on with life. Discussion of the moving forward process is handled in a later section of this document.
Methods for coping with emotion
As a practical matter, there are a number of things that people can do to help themselves cope while grieving the loss of a marriage.
Prioritize. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because one is hurting. Despite grief, there will be chores that need doing and bills that need paying. There may also be any number of extraordinary tasks that must be accomplished during the transition from married to single person (such as finding an apartment, turning on utilities, changing addresses, etc.) which add to the general stress. Creating a list of such necessary chores can help to reduce their stressful impact on one's life. All chores should be placed on the list in the order of their importance. Starting with the most essential, each chore is then worked through and crossed off the list as it is completed. The simple act of prioritizing and checking off list items helps make sure that all necessary chores get accomplished, and further helps to generate a feeling of control over what might otherwise be experienced as unmanageable demands.
Put things away. As soon as it is practical to do so, start living as a single person again. Put old photographs and mementos away where you don't have to look at them all the time. Start paying your own bills and handling those aspects of life that your ex-spouse used to do for you. Limit your contact with your ex-spouse. In general, do what you can to confidently look forward towards the future, rather than backwards at your divorce.
Talk about it. Many grieving people find that their suffering is somewhat lessened when they are able to share their hurt feelings with a sympathetic audience. For this reason, it is often helpful for grieving people to tell trusted family and friends that they are getting divorced, and to request assistance from these trusted people as they are able to offer it. Finding someone who can and will listen and allow one to vent their hurt emotions and fears and offer comforting advice often proves very helpful. Not everyone is a good listener, however, and those who are will have lives of their own and may get fatigued over time, especially if one's grief process is not brought under control. Some friendships might also prove too fragile to survive one's divorce and will be lost in spite of best efforts. It is best to use judgment when deciding with whom to share, how much to share, and how often to share so as not to overly fatigue one's supports.
If existing supports prove inadequate, other support opportunities can be created by attending support groups or by working with a professional therapist.
Support groups are self-help meetings attended by people going through the same sorts of circumstances. Generally sponsored by community centers and religious institutions, divorce support groups provide a face-to-face forum where people in different stages of adjustment to their divorce come together to educate and support one another.
Online divorce support groups are also available 24 hours a day on the Internet, offering a less personal, but more accessible support format. One caveat with regard to online support forums is that they can be plagued by 'trolls' - people who are there to insult and ridicule legitimate members. Keep your thickest skin and sense of humor handy when using online supports.
Psychotherapy and counseling can also be excellent options for obtaining divorce support. A qualified therapist is a trained and empathic listener with an expert understanding of how divorce affects and changes lives. He or she will be able to provide a safe place where the divorcing person can vent their emotions and talk about their fears, especially those feelings that are too private and intense to talk about elsewhere. He or she will also be able to provide expert guidance on managing stress, grief, and self-defeating thoughts, remaining an effective parent to your children, and rebuilding an effective life in the aftermath of divorce. The 'chemistry' between therapist and client is important. It is often a good idea to interview one or more therapists prior to committing to work with any particular one so as to find one who feels safe and best appears to offer appropriate guidance.
Support yourself. In addition to seeking support and guidance from others, there are also good ways you can help yourself to cope.
Maintaining (or starting) healthy routines is a primary means of self-support that frequently gets overlooked. Divorce is a stressful time of change, and many of the good habits one has formed to help maintain health can be lost in the shuffle. At a personal level, making time to exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and eat regular healthy meals can help to preserve health and reduce the effects of stress. Keeping select important pre-divorce family routines intact (such as eating together as a family, or attending religious services) is also advisable as this continuity can be a comfort to all.
Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you go through your adjustment to being divorced can provide many benefits. Most pressingly, journaling allows a further outlet for emotional upset. Describing pain and the difficult situations being coped with in writing helps one to gain a better grip and perspective on those emotions and situations, both in each immediate situation described (it feels good to purge pent up feelings), and also across time as growth and movement become apparent. Journaling is cheap, requiring only a notebook and a pen, and can be done at any time of day or night, making it an ideal self-help strategy.
Distraction. Sometimes it's not enough to write or talk about how one is feeling. In such situations, being ready and able to distract one's self can be helpful. Watching a television show or movie, reading a book, surfing the net, exercising, cleaning the house, organizing files, and other attention-demanding tasks and chores can get one's mind away from painful feelings that otherwise might drag out into depression. It is helpful to prepare in advance a list of what needs doing, and to get copies of compelling books and other media handy so that when distraction is needed, it will be easy to pick something healthy or worth doing with which to distract one's self. Although television is always available, it is not necessarily the healthiest or more edifying choice.
Self-soothing. Divorced people are often wounded people, and wounded people need to be gentle and compassionate with themselves while they heal. Treating yourself to a few comforting and healing experiences you might not otherwise allow yourself can be in order. Massage, relaxation routines, a long bath or hot shower, or a plate of one's favorite food can help produce relaxation, calmness and a sense of being cared for, all of which can be balm for a bruised soul. Religious, yoga and meditation retreats, vacations, and similar excursions can have a similar effect. So long as finances allow and healthy routines do not get bent too much, such comforts and small extravagances can help smooth the healing process.
Explore dormant interests. In divorce, one door slams shut, and people tend to spend a lot of time adjusting to that closure. What they come to see after a while, however, is that when one door closes, others open. Divorce is thus a beginning as well as an ending, and a perfect opportunity to explore new interests. Finding one or more causes, clubs, fields, hobbies or projects one is interested in (and wants to work in/on) is beneficial in a number of ways. New interests capture attention and bring it into the present, away from a focus on the past. In so doing, they help people to start thinking of themselves as explorers and decision-makers and not simply as victims of circumstances outside their control. Exploring interests can make you happy and also help you to make new friends.
Avoid dangerous and self-defeating coping behavior. Divorcing people are often wounded people, and wounded people sometimes hurt so much that it clouds their judgment. When one is hurting, one can be tempted to do most anything that promises to remove the pain. The problem is that some solutions for removing pain work well in the short term, but can be dangerous in the medium and long terms. Failure to use judgment in deciding how one will cope with emotional hurt can result in negative, sometimes severely negative, outcomes:
- Avoid using drugs or alcohol or gambling or promiscuous sexuality as a means of coping with pain or loneliness
- Avoid diving into a new intimate relationship just because you're lonely
- Avoid acting on angry impulses you might have towards your ex-spouse
- Avoid stalking your ex-spouse
- Avoid cultivating revenge fantasies involving your ex-spouse. Your successful life post-divorce will be your best revenge
- Avoid making large decisions for a while after your divorce (divorce arrangements notwithstanding).
Your attitude determines how you live your life.
Even if –at any given time–your choices of action are limited, your choices regarding your attitude are not. Always choose a positive attitude.
A positive attitude makes you happier and more resilient, it improves your relationships, and it even increases your chances of success in any endeavor. In addition, having a positive attitude makes you more creative and it can help you to make better decisions. To top it all off, there are studies that show that people with a positive attitude live longer than their sourpuss counterparts. Below you’ll discover 21 ways to create and maintain a positive attitude.
1. Have a Morning Routine. How you start your morning sets the tone for the rest of the day. Make sure that you have an attitude-boosting morning routine that puts you in a good mood so that you can start the day off right.
2. Carry An Attitude of Happiness With You. Instead of waiting for external things to make you happy, be happy and then watch how that influences the things that go on around you. That is, instead of telling yourself that first something good has to happen, and then you’ll be happy, be happy first. Happiness is an attitude, not a situation.
3. Relish Small Pleasures. Big pleasures—graduation, getting married, being promoted, having your book published—come too infrequently. Life is made up of tiny victories and simple pleasures. With the right mental attitude, watching the sunset, eating an ice cream cone, and walking barefoot on the grass are all you need to be filled with joy.
4. Smile. Smiling will give you an instantaneous attitude boost. Try smiling for a minute while you think of a happy memory or the last thing that made you smile. Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin, also known as the feel good hormones. It’s a lot easier to adopt a positive attitude when the chemicals being released by your body are conducive to well-being.
5. Upload Positivity to Your Brain. Read books with a positive message, listen to music with uplifting lyrics, and watch movies in which the protagonist’s optimism helps him/her to overcome obstacles and win, despite the odds. Change your attitude for the better by uploading as much positivity into your brain as you possibly can.
6. Take Responsibility. At any moment your attitude can be that of a victim or of a creator. The first step you need to take to shift from victim-mode to creator-mode is to take responsibility. Here’s the attitude of a creator:
I create my life.
I am responsible for me.
I’m in charge of my destiny.
7. Have a Zen Attitude. Think of life not as something that’s happening to you, but as something that’s happening for you. Look at any challenging situation, person, or event as a teacher that’s been brought into your life to teach you something.
The next time you find yourself thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” choose to have a Zen attitude, instead. Ask yourself, “What am I supposed to learn or gain from this”? or “How will this help me grow and become a better, more enlightened being?”
8. Be Proactive. A reactive person allows others and external events to determine how they will feel. A proactive person decides how they will feel regardless of what may be going on around them. Be proactive by choosing your attitude and maintaining it throughout the day, regardless of what the day may bring.
9. Change Your Thoughts. Positive thoughts lead to a positive attitude, while negative thoughts lead to a negative attitude. Changing your attitude is as easy as hitting the “pause” button on what you’re thinking and choosing to think different thoughts.
10. Have a Purpose. Having a purpose in life gives you a fixed point in the horizon to focus on, so that you can remain steady amid life’s vicissitudes and challenges. Bringing meaning and purpose into your life—knowing why you are here—will do wonders for your attitude.
11. Focus On the Good. In order to have a positive attitude, focus on the good. Focus on the good in yourself, the good in your life, and the good in others.
12. Stop Expecting Life to Be Easy. The truth is, life gets tough at times. For all of us. It can even be painful. But you’re brave and resourceful, and you can take it. Know that sometimes things won’t be easy, and adopt the attitude that you have what it takes to deal with anything that life throws at you.
13. Keep Up Your Enthusiasm. Enthusiastic people have a great attitude toward life. Have a list of ways to lift your enthusiasm ready for those times when you feel your zest for life draining away. Being enthusiastic will help you maintain the attitude that life is good and that you’re lucky to be alive.
14. Give Up On Having An Attitude of Entitlement. Think of the parable “Who Moved My Cheese?” by Spencer Johnson. Two little mice and two miniature people are put in a maze. Here’s what happens:
When the mice discover that the cheese isn’t where it’s supposed to be, they immediately get to work on finding another piece of cheese.
The two miniature people, instead, get angry that the cheese has been moved. They waste time expressing outrage and blaming each other.
Stop demanding that things be handed to you. Your attitude at all times should be the following:
- It’s up to me to get what I want.
- Good things come to those who work hard.
- I adapt to change easily and quickly.
- I keep going even when things get tough.
15. Visualize. When things aren’t going your way, keep a positive attitude by visualizing yourself succeeding and achieving your goals. When Nelson Mandela was incarcerated—in a tiny cell that was just 6 feet wide–he kept his hopes up by visualizing himself being set free.
Mandela once said, “I thought of the day when I would walk free. Over and over again, I fantasized about what I would like to do.” By visualizing his release he was able to maintain a positive attitude, even when he found himself under extraordinarily difficult circumstances.
16. Limit Your Complaints. Whining about anything and everything is not conducive to a positive attitude. When you complain you’re saying negative things about a person, place, or event, without offering a solution to fix the situation. Instead of complaining, do the following:
- Remove yourself from the situation.
- Shift your perspective about the situation.
- Offer a possible solution.
Accept that there’s nothing you can do to change the situation and that complaining about it just fosters negativity.
Constantly complaining leads to a bad attitude. So stop complaining. Instead, start looking for solutions or accept what cannot be changed.
17. Watch Your Words. Use positive words when you talk to yourself.Studies have found that positive self-talk can boost your willpower and help you psych yourself up when you need to get through a difficult task. In addition, it can calm you down when you’re worried or anxious.
If you want to change your attitude from “I can’t do this” or “I’m going to fail”, to “I’ve got this” or “I’m going to do great”, change your self -talk.
18. Use The Power of Humor. People who know how to laugh at themselves and at life’s absurdities have a great attitude. Your sense of humor is a power tool, and you can use it to lift your mood and enhance your emotional state at any time.
When something goes wrong, ask yourself, “What’s funny about this?” A humorous perspective will have a positive effect on your attitude.
19. Use Gratitude to Improve Your Attitude. When you find yourself focusing on what’s wrong in your life, what you don’t have, or what you’re missing out on, adjust your attitude by feeling gratitude.
Studies show that having an attitude of gratitude is beneficial for every aspect of your life: being grateful improves your health, your mood, your relationships, your career satisfaction, and on, and on. If you need an attitude lift simply think of all the things that you have to be grateful for.
20. Develop an Attitude of Curiosity. The best way to approach any situation is to be open to what you can learn from it. That is, be curious.
Curiosity gives you a present-moment orientation which is similar to mindfulness. Being curious about a situation allows you to experience it more fully. In addition, curiosity will help you to approach uncertainty in your daily life with a positive attitude.
21. Seek Out Others With a Positive Attitude. A positive attitude is contagious. When you feel that you need an attitude boost, find someone with a great attitude and look for an excuse to hang out with them. Their attitude can’t help but rub itself off on you and you’ll be able to face the world with renewed optimism.
Conclusion
John Mitchell once said the following: “Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude toward us.” The 21 tips above will help you to keep a positive attitude at all times. Live your best life by having a great attitude.
Source: https://daringtolivefully.com/positive-attitude
If we want to thrive, we first need to change.
I’ve learned that it’s often our inability to effectively deal with that change that creates the biggest barrier to our success. As we head into a new year, full of promise, hope and anticipation, it’s as good a time as any to look at how we deal with change so that we can get ready to live our potential in 2017.
Kick the Habit
The key to making change work is understanding it.
In his wonderful book; “The Power of Habit”, Charles Duhigg explains that habit accounts of much of what we do every day and when we understand how a habit is created, we have a better chance of creating a routine or behaviour that can help us to make a change successfully.
Habits are made up of three parts;
- Cue
- Routine/Behaviour
- Reward
Once we understand what triggers a habit (the cue) and the reward we get from doing it, we can get to work on the routine that we use to achieve that reward.
So for example, if, like me, one of the changes you want to make is to be more productive, and you find that one of the blockers to being productive is the amount of time you spend on social media, you can look at what the trigger is for you to go on social media:
Is it because you are bored?
Does something pop into your head and you want to find out about it now?
Learning what triggers your behaviour helps because in recognising the trigger, you can see the point at which you subconsciously make the decision to follow that behaviour. This gives you the power to come off auto pilot and change that decision to create a better behaviour or routine that will create the same reward. For example;
“I’m bored, is there something else (more productive) that I can do now, other than get lost on social media?
or
“Oh, I wonder what X is doing now? I’ll spend another twenty minutes on this, set a reminder on my phone, and then I’ll find out”.
The reward remains the same, but the behaviour changes, thus achieving the reward. Choosing the right decision and doing it consistently helps it to develop into a habit.
As with everything, people are different, so while this is a useful framework, it’s vital to spend the time to figure out what the triggers and rewards are for you so you can formulate your personal plan of action for success.
Challenge the Resistance
A key factor in making change work for you is knowing what to expect. Resistance can be a key blocker to change and it comes from you. It’ll say things like:
“You know you’ll never be able to do this right?”
"This has never worked before...what makes you think it’ll work now?”
Resistance draws on the self limiting beliefs that hide away in your subconscious, ready to show up any time the status quo is being challenged. Its main goal is usually to hold you back. It can manifest itself very strongly, in the form of stress, anxiety or physical ailments such as headaches or digestive problems, so you need to be careful of it.
The trick here is to know it, understand it and label it. For me, resistance comes in the form of backache and neck ache, leading to headaches. It cleverly piggybacks on an existing condition that I have with my neck/back so it’s almost like a Trojan horse sneaking past the gate keeper! Recognising your “trojan horse” is the first step to being able to manage it. Whether it’s a physical, mental or emotional ailment, be mindful of it and see it for what it is; a tactic to keep you right where you are; in your comfort zone, afraid to change, powerless to thrive.
Once you recognise your resistance, acknowledge it, question it and use your defence tactics to counteract it. In my case, when I see resistance show up, I ask myself questions like
“What am I afraid of?”
“Why am I feeling this way?”
or
“How is it serving me to resist like this?”
I effectively tackle the resistance head on so there is no ambiguity about the changes I am trying to make. I also make an effort to be extra kind to myself because I’ve noticed in the past that when I haven’t succeeded in making the changes I wanted, I am hard on myself. This is counter productive. I take the time to do things that empower me, particularly to prevent back and neck ache from taking hold. These might include using essential oils, regular meditation or getting out for a walk in nature. It’s my way of saying;
“Resistance, I know you’re there, but this change is good for me. I need this. I have to say “no” to you so I can keep moving forward”
For good measure, it’s always useful to throw in some positive self talk to really drive it home:
“I believe in me”
“I am confident, strong and determined”
Positive Self Talk will negate those deep-rooted beliefs that regularly whisper in the back of your mind when the going gets tough; “You’re not good enough” “You don’t deserve it”, “You can’t do this”
Mind your language
What many people don’t realise is that the gap that often exists between our success or failure is the language we use with both ourselves and others.
If you find yourself in that unfortunate place of blaming others, complaining about why this is happening and being angry that this always happens to you...flip it by asking yourself;
“What good are you doing for yourself by complaining?”
The answer is usually.....
“not much”
In fact, by wallowing in this negative talk, we often feel worse than before so a great success tip is to take this energy and focus away from the negative talk and channel it to feed the positivity and grit needed to overcome the challenges of change.
Think solutions;
“What do I need to do to overcome this challenge?”
“Who do I need to ask for support?”
When you create the right habits, get your defences in place against resistance and use positive language to motivate and strengthen your mindset, you are well on your way to making positive change to help you thrive.
But you don’t need to wait until then....
One of the most powerful things you can do to bring about change is to visualise it working well for you.
When you have that positive goal or intention, fuelled with energy and focus, when you can see it clearly, the result seems within your reach and it feels like you’re thriving already.
Think about the positive change you want to make.
Take a few minutes out to get crystal clear on how it looks, feels, sounds, tastes, smells.
Feel the moment, as if you’ve already come through change, you’re on the other side and it’s working out amazingly well.
You feel calm and at peace because you’ve achieved the result you wanted to achieve.
You feel success, euphoria and are satisfied in the knowledge that;
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sharon-rossignuolo/3-simple-steps-to-making-_b_13629450.html
