For most women who have gone through a break up or divorce, the pain can be hard to express. There's a feeling of rejection, trying to wrap your brain around what went wrong and how you could've kept your family together. For me, watching my parents who had an arranged marriage go through many ups and downs and wondering as a child how they stayed together despite it all made me aware of the fact that marriage is no fairytale. When kids are involved, they sometimes take you on paths that are for their well-being rather than your own. It certainly makes a difference if, through it all, you have a strong family support network including a good relationship with your in-laws. Many friends of mine have been talking lately about the challenges they face with negative relationships with their in-laws, and the struggles on striking the right balance between keeping the peace with the in-laws for the sake of the kids and preserving their own self esteem.
This topic of in-laws and managing relationships can be so wrought with angst and lately I've been bombarded by stories from fellow moms. It has compelled me to write something. Nadia Shah (MSW), is currently married and lives with her mother-in-law and brother-in-law. "We take care of them financially. It's a complete role reversal," says Shah. She is also licensed as a clinical social worker (LCSW) and works full time as a clinical social worker for an Orange County mental health clinic. She has a great site on the subject called, www.southasianinlaws.com. She talks to us about how a separation can affect your relationship with your in-laws and how we as moms can manage that.
After a divorce/separation, how can your relationship change with your in-laws; What challenges might a mother face?
Naturally the relationship with in-laws will change once you're divorced. A recently divorced mother will need to be prepared for a number of challenges. The main one will be trying to maintain a pleasant family environment for the child/children. There is a possibility that her in-laws or her ex will be saying negative things about her to the children and there is a possibility she may be expressing negative thoughts also. In addition to that, any divorcee needs to be aware that mixed feelings may arise when interacting with her ex or her in-laws. It's natural to feel a variety of emotions when dropping the kids off at her ex's or bumping into him somewhere else. Another challenge will be adjusting to a different family structure. Maybe the mother had support from her in-laws or was friends with her sister-in-law and hopefully she can continue some level of closeness with them but she should be prepared for change all around.
California mom, Vaishali also known as @ChaiChatter on twitter, recently talked about her experiences here. She says, "The biggest challenge I've come across I separating myself from being their Bahoo to now being their grandkids' mom. Although they've made a valiant effort to maintain a relationship with me, I'm the one that has separated the old from new hurt feelings have come about -- but felt I needed to do that to disassociate myself from the past as much as I can given the circumstances in which I was divorced."
If the relationship was a good one (with in-laws that is) how can that be maintained once a separation has occurred?
As we all know, we can only control our own actions therefore if you want to maintain the relationship, you have to be the one to put in extra effort. This means openly saying to your in-laws something along the lines of, "We have been family for (X number of years) and I would like to continue our relationship. I understand that there will be a lot of changes for all of us. What can I do to keep you a part of my life?" Don't expect your in-laws to come to you and and put in the extra effort. They may be coming from a culture that practices indirect communication or be hesitant to approach you because they may think you want to disconnect. Make it clear what you want. Also to avoid resentment, I highly recommend not talking bad about your ex to your in-laws. Even if the whole divorce was your ex's fault, you shouldn't complain to your in-laws if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with them. They may already realize your ex (their family member) did something horrible, but no one wants to hear anything negative about their family members even if their family member is at fault.
If the relationship was a negative one prior to the breakup, should you try and continue to maintain a relationship with in-laws and how can this be done in spite of a breakup?
Unfortunately, many in-law relationships are unhealthy and negative, especially within our culture. In this situation, you still have the responsibility of maintaining at least a decent relationship with your in-laws for the benefit of your children. There is no such thing as "too much love" for kids so try to keep your in-laws involved in your kids' lives. That might mean, calling them to invite them to birthday parties or sending your kids over to their house for holidays. You should avoid saying anything negative about your in-laws and your ex to your kids. I would hope your in-laws and ex would also avoid saying negative things about you but there is that possibility that they won't hold their tongue. Maybe you should consider talking to your in-laws and making it clear that you plan on maintaining a relationship with them for your kids' sake.
Also, gently request that all parties involved not say negative things about each other in the presence of kids and that you would like to maintain open communication. If this is too uncomfortable for you, consider having a third party or therapist involved as a mediator to negotiate the relationship. Everyone has a responsibility toward the children involved.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/masalamommas/relationship-with-inlaws-divorce_b_2738099.html
Some people don’t ever get over their divorce. It doesn’t matter if they wind up with the house, all your money, a hot new partner, and your entire social circle. Ultimately, those tangibles don’t matter because they don’t get to the root of the problem: shame.
For most people, divorce causes shame, which often manifests in anger. Well-adjusted people eventually get over being angry because they take accountability for their part in the demise of the marriage. They stop focusing on the past and become grateful for opportunities in the present. They get sick of being angry and move on.
But this doesn’t happen for perpetually hostile exes. High-conflict personalities can’t tolerate knowing something in their life didn’t work out. This sense of failure triggers shame, and their only means of defending against that awful feeling is to blame you for everything: the failed marriage, issues with the kids, problems with communication, their poor health, etc. They will blame you even if they were the one who initiated the divorce.
Because they don’t really want to get along with you (that would require accountability and personal growth), they perpetuate a high-conflict interactional style that fuels seemingly endless litigation, custody battles, and unnecessary co-parenting drama.
Does this sound familiar? If so, you need to accept that your ex will never get over being angry at you because you serve a purpose: to be the receptacle for their shame. Now that you know you’ll always be a target, how do you keep out of the line of fire?
1. Develop an effective communication strategy. Hostile exes love to use electronic communication to criticize, attack, and threaten. Just seeing their name come in on an email is enough to trigger your gag reflex. Knee-jerk reactions to respond in kind, or fire back a lengthy self-defense are understandable, but will inflame the conflict. You must develop a strategy to deflect the hostility and limit their access to you. Don’t respond to electronic communication more than once day. If possible, wait 24 hours before writing back. Don’t hit “send” before you thoroughly read over what you’ve written. Delete anything that smacks of sarcasm or anger. Imagine you’re a reporter laying out the facts: stick to logistics and keep your feelings out if it.
2. Acknowledge your ex’s experience. We all want to feel heard, but high-conflict personalities are particularly sensitive to feeling ignored or misunderstood. Your first response to any communication from your ex must be to acknowledge their experience — even if you think it’s ridiculous. For instance: “It sounds like you’re worried that Ezra isn’t getting enough sleep at my house, I understand why that’s a concern.” Once you mirror their feelings and needs, then you can move on to your calm response: “Ezra’s well-being is a priority for me as well and I can assure you I’m getting him to bed at an appropriate time.” Remember: the issue isn’t Ezra’s bedtime. The issue is your ex’s need to be heard. Your validating, measured response is much more likely to defuse the conflict than arguing your point-of-view.
3. Keep firm boundaries. If you were the Pleaser during your marriage, you must learn to assert yourself effectively. Waffling or being passive-aggressive will make your ex more angry because he or she will feel that you’re playing games or behaving in ways that are confusing. Practice setting and keeping limits: “I understand that you miss the kids; I miss them on the weekends they’re with you, so I know what that feels like. Nevertheless, this is my weekend with them so please drop them off at the designated time and place.” Refer to the court order if necessary. If you don’t have a court order, then get one! Verbal agreements mean nothing to high-conflict exes and won’t hold up in court.
4. Keep kids out of the middle. Raising children with a hostile ex is one of the most difficult byproducts of divorce. But you must develop strategies to prevent your children from being used as artillery. If your kids tell you about the crappy things your ex says about you, many of which are lies, do not fire off an email setting your ex straight. Remember: your job is to disengage from the conflict. Tell your kids you understand that Dad is angry. Acknowledge that it must be upsetting to hear their parents aren’t getting along. Advise them to come to you directly with questions and concerns about you instead of trying to get their dad to do it for them. Also try to stay calm when you talk to them about your ex; otherwise, they will go back and report that you seemed angry, which will fuel more fire.
5. Develop coping skills. Being a human target is traumatic. If you’re irritable, anxious, exhausted, perhaps medicating with Oreos and red wine, it’s time to develop positive coping skills! Therapy, journaling, making art, physical exercise, and mindfulness meditation are great ways to tolerate challenging feelings and build internal resources. If you’re feeling ragged, you may be interacting with your ex in a way that inadvertently aggravates her — for example, hostile body language, an emotionally charged tone of voice, or snarky emails. When you feel more empowered, your voice and body language will shift and you will be better able to deal with your difficult ex.
One of the narcissist's favorite strategies is to couch misdeeds in terms of "concern" for you or your children. Never forget that the one and only person a narcissist cares about is himself. Expressions of caring and concern are a sign that you are being manipulated.
I clearly remember the moment my marriage ended. I didn't realize it then, but when my therapist stopped me mid-sentence and told me that it wasn't OK for my husband to treat me that way, it marked the beginning of my chaotic tumble toward divorce.
Unfortunately, our divorce was even more traumatic than the marriage itself. Narcissists, as I eventually learned, do not go quietly into the night; they use the legal system as yet another weapon in their arsenal of manipulation and fear. No lies are too far-fetched or outlandish for narcissists to tell. Divorce, to a narcissist, is just another way for them to continue their abuse, and the legal system becomes an unwitting pawn in their pathological game.
It's been four years since that moment in my therapist's office, and two years since my divorce was finalized. While most of the wounds have healed by now, if I had to do it over again, I would make many different choices along the way.
These are the top eight mistakes I made divorcing a narcissist, and how you can avoid making them yourself:
1. Don't accept the narcissist's version of history
Even amicable divorces don't tend to bring out the best in people, and people often find themselves questioning whether they ever really knew their spouse at all. Narcissists, however, misrepresent themselves from the get-go. As hard as it is to accept that the person you loved may have been lying to you all along, it's important to go back and revisit what you thought you knew about your spouse to adequately prepare for court.
2. Don't trust their olive branches
Narcissists need a constant supply of love and validation from their spouses. As soon as the relationship ends, you are no longer useful to them, and they will no longer feel any obligation to treat you civilly, much less with kindness. As a result, any and all overtures that seem to be based in compassion or concern for your well-being should be immediately viewed with suspicion.
One of the narcissist's favorite strategies is to couch misdeeds in terms of "concern" for you or your children. Never forget that the one and only person a narcissist cares about is himself. Expressions of caring and concern are a sign that you are being manipulated.
3. Don't get sucked in
During my divorce, I was shocked when my ex flat-out lied in court about things I had said. I quickly learned never to have a conversation with him anywhere other than in writing. I notified him that I would no longer speak to him in person or over the phone. Although he tried to start conversations during drop-offs, I simply ignored him and focused on my kids, and he eventually stopped trying.
Through time, I also recognized that he was using email to bait me. I learned to answer only the emails that were absolutely necessary, such as logistical questions about vacation time or drop-offs, and to keep them as brief, firm, and business-like as possible. Everything else went unanswered, no matter how inflammatory. The best way to strip a narcissist of his power isn't by arguing and feeding into his toxic and dysfunctional cycles — it's by refusing to engage at all.
4. Don't fall for the narcissist's script
Every narcissist has a pattern, if you look closely enough, and it is generally one of diversion. My ex's response to every situation where he was at fault in our relationship was the same; instead of discussing problems I raised, he would divert the conversation to a completely unrelated behavior of mine.
It is incredibly difficult to unravel a narcissist's script, particularly without being accused of being "high conflict." Had I been less caught off guard by my ex's diversionary techniques during our divorce, and recognized that they were the logical escalation of his relationship patterns, I could have focused on re-framing the real issues instead of constantly responding to his accusations. Dismissing his accusations out of hand would have removed their power (and his) and allowed me to focus my energies on the real issues, instead.
5. Don't expect to be believed in court — but make sure you have someone who does
My ex admitted to me before we separated that he had been lying to me, manipulating me, reading my email and my diary, and even engaging in emotional abuse. Suddenly, all of the strange behavior that had made me feel crazy wasn't so crazy at all — it was unmasked as purposeful, pathological gaslighting.
Because I was telling the truth, I naively expected that the court system would believe me. I quickly learned that emotional abuse largely doesn't exist in a court room and that the truth doesn't matter much, either.
Unfortunately, there is no magical solution to a broken legal system. What you can do to prevent re-victimization, however, is ensure that you do not look for validation of your experiences from a court. Instead, it is vital to have a solid support system in place with a designated person (preferably who has dealt with a narcissist) who can listen to you, hear you, validate your experience, and remind you that it isn't your fault.
6. Don't assume your abuse ended along with the marriage
One of the most frustrating things about divorcing a narcissist is that the abuse they inflict leaves serious damage, but the divorce occurs long before it has healed. Plus, since most abusers ramp up their abuse when their spouse tries to leave, the separation is often the most traumatic part of the relationship. This can leave the abused spouse reeling while the abuser is calm, collected, and methodically planning his every move. If the victim isn't careful, it's easy to play directly into his hand.
It is important to recognize that you are still being actively abused during the divorce, and as such, it is not possible to fully heal from the abuse. When victims acknowledge that the abuse is ongoing, it can help them refrain from making large life decisions and instead focus on stabilizing everything from their finances to their emotions. This emphasis on creating self-care routines and positive habits can bandage the wounds until the divorce is over and more active healing can begin.
7. Don't assume all attorneys are created equal
Once, in the middle of our mediation session, my ex became angry over a procedural point and halted the session while he raged at his attorney. As we waited for my ex to calm down, my attorney and the mediator kept asking me why I hadn't told anyone about his yelling and anger problems.
The truth was, of course, that I had related his emotional abuse, mistreatment of me and my kids, and even his mental health history to my attorney and the court, but it was all chalked up to differences in our perspectives. It was only when they saw him in action that they began to understand who he really was. I realized that even though my attorney tried to understand my case, she simply never grasped the reality of what we were dealing with, and we were always one step behind. An attorney who recognizes a narcissist's patterns and can head them off is invaluable.
8. Don't expect a narcissist to co-parent
Although the legal system may glorify co-parenting, it is important to recognize that any attempts you make to co-parent with a narcissist will be demonized or used as a weapon. Rather than giving the narcissist power over you, keep your life completely separate and communicate only where required.
You do not need to throw joint birthday parties, celebrate holidays together, or even participate in activities jointly. Keep your boundaries clear and firm, and recognize that your children are best served by maintaining them.
Through time, I have learned that I can best parent my children by accepting our reality and making sure that my daughters feel supported, heard, loved, and validated when they are with me. Their experience is far from ideal, but living the life we have is far healthier for all of us than spending it fighting in a court room.
Source: https://ravishly.com/2015/07/20/8-mistakes-i-made-divorcing-narcissist-—-and-how-avoid-them
Divorce can be so emotionally taxing, it's enough to make you want to swear off marriage for the rest of your life.
But don't go pledging yourself to a life of eternal singlehood just yet. We asked 10 remarried folks for their best pitch for remarriage. The points they brought up will give even the most marriage-averse divorcés second thoughts.
1. You're not looking for someone to complete you.
"Gosh, what isn't better about marriage the second time?! I'm older, wiser, more confident and no longer need someone to 'complete me.' The first time I thought, 'If we were meant to be together, it wouldn't be so hard.' Now I know that it takes work, sacrifice, perseverance and a major sense of humor. My husband is my friend, a great dad and stepdad and 'the the best husband I ever had' as I jokingly like to remind him.
Be yourself while looking for love again. So many women change themselves into the woman they think a guy wants them to be. Be you and you'll find the right person." -Lisa Miller, divorced after five years, remarried for 15 years.
2. You know damn well that you can't change your spouse.
"My second marriage is infinitely better because I am not looking to change my spouse (and there are no illusions that he could change me). It’s so refreshing to be in a relationship where I know who I am, he knows who he is, we accept and love each other for who we are –- faults and all.
My advice is simply to be open. Opening yourself up to dating, relationships, love and marriage again can be scary, but don’t let someone amazing pass you by out of fear." -Kim Graham-Pfeffer, divorced after six years, remarried for two years.
3. Authenticity and honesty come a little more naturally.
"When my first marriage became irreversibly damaged, it broke something inside of each of us. It inspired months, (years, really) of self-reflection and soul searching. It made me hold up a mirror to my actions and the way I process and react to situations. It made me better. If I hadn't had the disastrous first marriage, there's no way I'd be as patient, sympathetic, motivated or as level-headed as I am now in my second marriage. It's my most deep and honest relationship. That transparency has encouraged my current husband be honest about his needs as well.
If you're hesitant to remarry, I get it. You feel foolish and embarrassed because you already took a huge leap of faith and it fell through. But take a lot of time to recuperate. Heal. Take relationships slowly and cautiously. Maybe marriage isn't for you and that's OK. But remember a new relationship, this new person and this new situation are different and deserve consideration." -Amanda Sweeting,divorced after two years, remarried for less than a year.
4. Marriage #1 has changed you for the better.
"My wife and I are both the people we want to be this time around. Life at 40 looks and feels wholly different than life in your 20s. Call it maturity, positive psychology, mindfulness or whatever you'd like, but I've changed for the better and I have my soulmate to enjoy life alongside.
If you're looking to remarry, forgive yourself and forgive your ex -- your failed marriage was 50 percent your doing and 50 percent your ex's. Forgive, find inner peace and let it go. You deserve happiness, love and a second chance." -Rob Walker, divorced after 14 years, remarried for five years.
5. You know what marriage is really like, warts and all.
"My husband and I have both been married before. Things felt different on our wedding day. This time there was no luxurious unknown and all that we carried with us -- the children, the first marriages, the fears -- floated in with the second vows. The air was heavy, it seemed like there was so much more to lose. But it was also brimming with the magic that comes with second chances. I guess it feels heavier because we know things the second time around. Good things and bad things. But we also know what works and what makes it better. We have grown. We made our vows to each other in the voice of the people we are, not the people we want to try to be.
Don’t lace your new promises with old regrets. Accept the weight you bring. Believe that you are stronger in the places that were broken from divorce. Keep your eyes open wide, but take the chance anyway. There is more to lose the second time, sure. But there’s so much to gain, too." -Nicole Jankowski, divorced after 12 years, remarried for two years.
6. With age -- and a tough divorce -- comes great wisdom.
"In the aftermath of my divorce, I had the opportunity to look very carefully at the man I chose the first time and how I had changed since I had met him ten years prior. I looked at the mistakes I made and our incompatibilities because I was determined that I would not make the same mistakes again. I know for sure that I appreciate my second husband much more because of what I went through with the first one; it was a life lesson.
Don't give up on love. While I was going through my divorce, I created a mantra for myself that I would repeat several times a day: 'I am beautiful. I am smart. I am successful. I will not be bitter. And I will love again.' I wrote a careful description of the man I wanted in my life and a few months later, I met Will. He's everything I wanted and once I figured out what it was, exactly, that I wanted, he came along." -Kristin Shaw, divorced after four years, remarried for 8 years.
7. You realize that marriage is a choice you have to make every single day.
"A second marriage is an eyes-wide-open experience; you know what kinds of work are involved and say 'yes' anyway. Plus, you endured a worst-case scenario and not just survived, but thrived! A second marriage means you’ve let go of the ’perfect spouse’ ideal, embraced your imperfections and found the unique ‘must haves’ you need in a life partner.
Remember that marriage is a choice, and if you decide to give it another go, be all in. When I put my wedding rings on each morning I consciously choose my spouse. I commit to our relationship. I acknowledge that being married means I forgive past and future transgressions, and I opt to trust. My thrice-divorced mother offers this sage advice too: 'You don’t have to marry everyone you love.'" -Penney Berryman, divorced after six years, remarried for five months after a five-year courtship.
8. You know what you want.
"You know what you're looking for and what you can live without because of your first marriage. When I I met my second wife I was so much more confident about myself and my needs.
Divorce teaches you that you can be content by yourself and that it's not worth going forward with something if you're hesitant. I never thought I would marry again or have any more kids, but I met my current wife and fell madly in love with her. There is nothing I am hesitant about anymore, except being away from her for too long!"-Matt Robertson, divorced after 10 years, remarried for just over a year.
9. You've taken ownership of what you did wrong the first time around.
"Nobody goes into their first marriages thinking they’re going to get divorced. But it happens. So if you are brave enough to try again, marriage is only better the second time around if you learn from your earlier mistakes. Both partners are older and, hopefully, wiser. And both know what they need from each other and what to do to make the relationship work.
After I got divorced, I still believed in love and in the institution of marriage. I just wasn’t in any hurry to experience it again. I dated a bit before I started dating my husband. We were together for three years before we got married. And even with taking that time, it was a little bumpy for the first couple of years. Not between us but with the process of blending our families. But really, it’s a goodthing to be a little hesitant and to not rush in to getting remarried, especially if there are kids involved." -Jennifer Cullen, divorced after seven years, remarried for eight years.
10. You're incredibly picky -- and that's a good thing.
"I entered into my 30s divorced, with a young son and determined to do better. I dated some men but no one felt right and I wouldn't just let anyone into my son's life. Eventually, two years after my divorce, I met the man I would marry. I often say that had he not come along, I'd still be single today. I look at the men I know, married and unmarried, and not one appeals to me as a spouse. I was lucky to find my very best match. My biggest complaints is that he doesn't wipe counters, he's a packrat and he's often late. But guess what? He's also wonderful father to my son and our child together. He's considerate, kind and puts my happiness above his own.
Learn how to be live without a partner and figure what you need from your next-time partner in that time. Marriage is better the second time around. I'd like to take credit for having impeccable standards and being picky, but I was lucky my current husband walked into my life. I've been happy most of the days since he showed up." -Chris Doell, divorced after nine years, remarried for 10 years.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/second-marriages-are-better-_n_6865506
Bonus children, FTW!
When it comes to dating for re-singled (a.k.a. divorced) parents, odds are that the people you're dating will have kids of their own, too. Thoughts of entering into a serious relationship or even remarriage gives many re-singled parents cause for pause if not outright alarm because we've all heard the stories about evil stepparents since we were little (thank you, Cinderella!).
But that's not how it has to be! With a bit of work, It's possible to create successful blended families.
My husband and I met online through eHarmony. The picture he used for his profile was an adorable one of him with his youngest son (now my bonus son). When we had our first date, one of the things I asked him about was his kids.
Boy, talk about a conversation killer! He made it clear that he didn't want to talk about them. I laughed a bit when he told me this and told him that he should probably consider changing his profile picture in light of that! Luckily, we found other things to talk about and wound up enjoying our evening.
What I didn't know then was that his first attempt at a blended family didn't turn out well. His refusal to talk about his kids was just his being protective.
Luckily, we've been able to avoid some of the missteps of his first attempt at a blended family. Through some trial and error, we've been able to create a successful blended family.
You can create a successful blended family, too. The number one thing you need to know?
Successful blended families don't "just happen" — they take work and planning.
Before you enter into a serious relationship or remarriage, it's important that you spend some time with your new significant other planning what type of life you'll have together, before you dive into that life.
In addition to planning your dreams of happily ever after, you'll want to agree on parenting styles, discipline styles, and lifestyle (yes, I did say "agree" and not "compromise". Successful blended families require partners to be on the same page in these critical areas.)
Once you've reached agreement, you'll need to consider each of your children, their personalities, and how different these styles of parenting, discipline, and living are from the way you're currently doing them.
Will the changes be large or small for each child? The smaller the changes, the more easily the child will be able to adapt. If the changes are large, you'll want to consider making the changes gradually before blending your families full-time so each child will have the fewest obstacles to overcome in making the blended family a success for them, too.
No matter how carefully you plan or how easy you try to make the transition, it's really normal for the kids to have different plans. These different plans are usually based on confusion and fear. It's also normal for kids to feel jealous of their bonus family members. And it's fairly typical for kids to feel angry about your remarriage because it messes up their dream of Mom and Dad getting back together again.
The five best things you can do to help all the kids involved are:
- Be clear about expectations and boundaries
- Communicate regularly as a family about family issues and with each child about what they're feeling and what's going on in their lives
- Let each child know you support them in loving their birth parent and that your new spouse is their bonus parent
- Take time every day to spend time one-on-one with each of your children and offer the same to each of your bonus kids
- Do fun things as a family
For most re-singled parents, their kids are a top priority, but successful blended families aren't built on being great parents and making the kids happy. Successful blended families are built on marital bliss!
Marital bliss also needs to be planned for. You'll need to plan for and schedule alone time for dates, vacations alone together, loud sex, and even just walking around the house naked.
The one thing that can help the most with all this is getting the kids on the same custody schedule as much as possible. That way you can regularly have kid-free weekends to focus on each other, connect, and strengthen your marriage without the demands of parenting. It's from this base of a strong marriage that the success of your blended marriage must be built.
Creating successful blended families does take planning and the best plans include heaping helpings of communication, respect, commitment, and patience.
Try this Functional Divorce Assignment to get your planning off on the right foot:
- Spend some time dreaming together about what you want your life together to be like. Make your dreams as specific as possible. By being specific about your dreams, you'll both know when you're on-course and when you drift off-course so you can correct things more quickly.
- Talk about your parenting styles, discipline styles and lifestyles. Be completely honest here. I know one couple who didn't have completely honest conversations about parenting and discipline styles before they got married. The result was that the first time the new wife saw her new husband's parenting style and non-existent discipline style with his child she told him that she wouldn't have married him if she had know this before-hand. Luckily, they've been able to work it out, but it would have been so much easier to do before they blended their families.
- Consider each child's potential reaction to having a bonus family. Each child has their own personality and will react differently to having a bonus family. By working together you and your new spouse can help to make the transition into your blended family be easier for each child.
I've been divorced for three years, and my mother is still hoping it's just a phase.
"Are you sure you don't want to invite him on vacation?" she will ask me of my ex-husband, whom she still adores.
Although my ex and I include each other on every holiday, kid's birthday and special occasion, I'm not going to be inviting him along on vacation anytime soon. We're in a great — but still divorced — spot.
Still, she asks. And I'm hardly an exception.
A divorce may separate a couple, but it doesn't necessarily extend to members of the other's family. And this, in turn, leads to tricky situations. What do you do when your family is in love with your former spouse? Or you're in love with your former in-laws? How does everybody establish boundaries while still keeping the peace?
Although it's not always easy to maintain or sever ties, it's worth the effort to recognize the situation and find the best solution for everyone involved. In many ways, it's easier today than it was in earlier generations.
"I was a product of a divorce in the '80s and any time my parents and extended family were in the room, it was so uncomfortable," said Linda Perry, a divorce consultant and author of the ebook on mediation, "A Clearer Path — The Divorce Consultants' Complete Guide to Divorce." "But today, my kids — who are products of divorce — find it incredibly easy to be in the same room with my former in-laws and me because my ex and I set the foundation that (it's) OK for everybody to get along."
Perry said that unless there was a history of physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, making it important to limit if not end personal connections, having a friendly relationship with your ex and/or his or her family can be very beneficial — especially if children are involved.
"In divorce, you don't only lose a partner, you lose an entire side of the family," Perry said. "The old way of doing things was to declare war, but today, it's about finding new ways of communicating."
And these days, it's easier than ever to find new ways.
Technology makes it simple to stay in touch, from an emotional or geographic distance, especially if being together in person is too emotional, said Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and author of "How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know" (HarperOne).
Here are additional tips from the experts on navigating post-divorce relationships:
Create a schedule. Connecting with "ex-laws" on pre-determined dates defuses potential jealousy or resentment from all parties.
Perry, who is also an integrated life coach, has worked with many couples to establish a schedule, either with a mediator or through a counselor, to address time spent with former in-laws.
"I had a couple set things up in mediation and it avoided so many problems," Perry said. "They talked about when the grandparents will see the kids and what the holidays would look like. It helped lay the groundwork for how things would go for all of them, and the extended family had to follow suit."
Set boundaries. If you and your former in-laws are still lovey-dovey, be senstitive to your ex's feelings; a divorced spouse watching from the sidelines as his or her parents continue a close relationship with an ex can be mildly annoying to highly exasperating. If you're the frustrated party, talk to your own family first.
"My mom stayed close to my ex-husband for a while and she would call him and invite him to things all the time and finally, I had to say, 'Please check with me first,'" Perry said. "Enforce it gently — there's no need to be defensive. Just say, 'This is a sensitive issue for me and it's OK to include him from time to time but I need to be sure that it's something I'm confortable with.'
"And you may have to enforce that boundary over and over. It really takes time for them to get used to it because divorce is also hard on them too."
Kaiser agrees that being specific is the best way to set those boundaries.
"You have to think of every scenario that might come up and see what you would be comfortable with, and then relate that to your family," Kaiser said. "If your ex has a birthday party, are you OK with your parents going? You can make ground rules that say, 'I'm OK with you having a relationship with my ex but it would really bother me if you ... called him regularly or attended a big event without telling me.' Be very clear so there are no hurt feelings."
Ask your former in-laws how they'd like to move forward. "Sometimes you're closer to your ex's family than you are to your own so letting go of that daily contact might be tough," Kaiser said. "Some can handle it while others need a clean break because it's painful, so I think the first thing you do is check in with the ex's family and say, 'Are you wiling to have a relationship with me even though I'm not married to your son or daughter? I still consider you to be family and want to be in your life.'"
But be prepared to accept that your former in-laws aren't ready for a relationship, Kaiser said.
"It's hard (not to take this personally) and it's completely normal to feel sad, hurt and even angry," she said. "This is a decision they made because of their relationship with their child, and it does not pertain to anything about you, your personality or your behaviors. If you do believe that they are not having contact because of something that you have done wrong, then it's important that you apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes, and let them know that you're hoping they will change their mind."
Be honest with yourself about your motives. Are you sure you aren't clinging to an ex's family in the hopes that you will still be connected to your former spouse?
"For some people, desire to be in contact with an ex means that either they are harboring some hope of getting back together or that they are still trying to keep the connection that they once had," Kaiser said. "A lot of people who want to be in contact with their ex don't take the time to figure out the underlying motivation for it and as a result can end up hurt, blindsided or rejected. It's important to be clear in your own mind about your reasoning for wanting to stay connected."
The benefits of distance. Staying too close to your ex in-laws can also be counterproductive, Perry said.
"I worked with a man whose ex-wife spent summers with his parents because they just loved her so much," Perry said. "She didn't have a family and was very attached to his, but this has cost this man several relationships because the new girlfriends can't handle how much the ex-wife is in his family's life. So while it's nice to be in contact, you have to find a balance."
Technology to the rescue. "Traditionally, the old-school way was (that) all ties were severed during a divorce and your ally was your blood relative," Kaiser said. "Nowadays, there's email, and texting. You can be in peripheral touch in a way that you couldn't before we had cellphones and email."
Social media is another option. "With Facebook, you can keep those former in-laws in the loop with pictures but it's not intrusive or hurtful," Kaiser said. "The best practice is to try and find a balance between taking care of what you need and being considerate of everyone else's feelings."
Know where to find help. Kaiser said finding the right emotional support can help during those tough times.
"When you're feeling particularly vulnerable, sad or angry, you want to go lean on a support system filled with those who are your people. They're on your team. Whether it's your immediate family, a therapist or a close friend, they will tell you all the things you need to hear."
Perry also suggests the following sites: http://www.2houses.com/en, http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/, http://www.bothparents.com/wordpress/.
"These are great online co-parenting tools that help people organize their scheduling and finances after they are divorced — and it works whether the couple is talking or not," Perry said.
Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0722-divorce-inlaws-20140720-story.html
A psychologist and an attorney offer expert advice.
Most people, understandably, will do almost anything to avoid going to court for any number of reasons, including the financial cost, the loss of privacy, the inevitable calcification of antagonism between you and someone you married, the pain it causes children and other family members, and the fear of putting your life in the hands of a complete stranger, sitting on a bench at the front of a courtroom. (Not to mention all those movies—Kramer vs. Kramer, The War of the Roses, The Squid and the Whale—that act as cautionary tales, the horror stories bounced around the Internet, and those of people you know.)
Despite the attention given to divorce cases that play out in court, especially when someone is rich or famous, the reality is that only about 5% of divorces end up in front of a judge. Some 95% of couples either work it out themselves, or use mediation or collaborative divorce techniques to minimize damage and the financial costs.
But the usual considerations that keep people out of court and make mediation and settlement viable alternatives simply don’t apply for those who inhabit the far end of the narcissistic spectrum. I’ve asked two experts—an attorney who specializes in litigation, Mary Kirkpatrick (disclosure: she was my lawyer) and Craig Malkin, a practicing therapist, blogger on this site, and author of Rethinking Narcissism—to help me untangle the threads of what, for most people, ends up a torturous mess.
The question of gender
Throughout this piece, I have used the pronouns he and she to avoid accusations of bias, although there are a few facts to keep in mind.
The first is that on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum (for simplicity, we’ll call people at this extreme ‘narcissists’), men outnumber women two to one. Yes, double. That makes it more likely that if there’s a narcissist in the courtroom, it will be the husband. That doesn’t mean it will never be the wife. As Malkin explained, “the largest review of gender differences and narcissism to date suggests that this gender gap stems mainly from the fact that men tend to be more aggressive than women—and, unlike women, they’re often encouraged to flaunt the exploitative, entitled behaviors that characterize narcissistic personality disorder.”
The second is that 60-69 percent of all divorces in the United States are initiated by women; this has been historically consistent since the 19th and 20th centuries and remains true today. It’s a counterintuitive finding: Divorce generally reduces the standard of living for women and improves it for men, and men are more likely to remarry than their female counterparts. Not surprisingly, researchers in law, psychology, and sociology have wanted to know why.
In their study, published in American Law and Economics Review, Margaret Brinig and Douglas Adams concluded that the issue of child custody drove women to file first, giving them—the primary caretaker—temporary custody at least. Attorney Kirkpatrick thinks it also may be because the wife knows she will likely get 50 percent of the marital property, alimony if she qualifies for it, and child support; this may be better than continuing a marriage with a financial tyrant or a spendthrift.
But Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld took another tack, comparing the initiation of divorce with breakups in unmarried, heterosexual cohabitating and non-cohabitating couples. Rosenfeld looked specifically at some of the explanations proposed for why wives tend to initiate divorces:
1. women’s heightened sensitivity to relationship issues leads them to be more dissatisfied;
2. marriage is a factory for traditional gender expectations, which is supported by the finding that women still carry two-thirds of household responsibilities; and
3. an imbalance of power by gender.
He found that cohabitating and non-cohabitating couples demonstrated no gender imbalance in initiating breakups; either party was equally likely to end the relationship. Interestingly, compared to 19 percent of marriages in which partners reported mutuality in the decision to divorce, 32 percent of cohabitating couples and 36 percent of non-cohabitating couples described the decision as mutual.
Rosenfeld concluded that it’s the gendered nature of the institution of marriage itself that accounts for women initiating divorce. The initiation of a divorce doesn’t, of course, mean that this person intends to end up in front of a judge; a person may file first as a tactic to jump-start negotiations as well.
About the narcissist
Let’s start with why the narcissist—despite all the real reasons any sensible person would be highly motivated to stay out of court—is very likely to end up in it.
1. He or she is in it to win it.
Even though there aren’t real “winners” in divorce—with luck, there’s some equitable splitting of responsibilities and assets—that’s not the narcissist’s point of view. He or she is likely to see himself or herself as a victim, regardless of the facts, and has no intention of meeting in the middle, so you can forget negotiation or mediation. Being proven right is the ultimate goal, and the narcissist will do whatever it takes to make that happen. “One of my clients,” Malkin says, “went through hell with a man who’d enjoyed three affairs in the course of his marriage, and regularly spent their vacation money on his trysts. He tried to convince the judge my client was having an affair (she wasn’t), all the while sending, long pleading letters, asking, ‘why are you doing this to me?’ For many narcissists, truth isn’t just relative. It’s optional."
2. He or she is a game player.
Studies show this to be the narcissist’s relational pattern—maintaining power and an edge by keeping others off-balance—and he or she isn’t going to change just because you’re going to court. Gaming the system will be the first line of defense and, as we’ll see, the family court system can be gamed. “This is especially dangerous when your narcissistic ex is the extraverted, charming type with lots of money to burn,” Malkin says. “They’re apt to file endless motions, making empty (false) accusations about ‘neglectful parenting’ for example, wasting everyone’s time. It’s often an attempt to wear you down.”
3. He or she doesn’t tally emotional losses.
Impaired empathy is one of the hallmarks of pathological narcissism, and what that translates into here is the narcissist’s total disregard of how anyone—including his or her spouse and, more important, children—might be hurt by the game-playing or other behaviors. It literally doesn’t occur to the narcissist because the focus is solely on him or her; nothing else really matters except satisfying personal needs and wants. Unfortunately, what keeps most of us on the relatively straight and narrow in stressful situations like divorce and tends to keep us out of court is our worry about other people—how they might be affected or hurt, what they will think of our behaviors, and how it will affect our future relationships. Not the narcissist. He or he is likely to indulge in what military strategists call a scorched-earth policy—leave nothing standing in his or her wake. This, unfortunately, often includes the children of the marriage, who become unwitting pawns in the narcissist’s strategizing. As discussed below, the gender of the narcissist actually comes into play here, especially if there is no agreement on custody or child support.
4. By engaging you in a court battle, the narcissist is still using you to feel powerful.
Narcissists need to be in relationships to self-regulate, and by dragging you through court, he or she will feel a thrilling surge of power and control. If the narcissist simply lets you go, he or she would have to find someone else to fill the need. Unfortunately, this also means that the narcissist doesn’t care how the long the process takes—which is surprising but true. Again, most people want to put the unpleasantness and stress
of divorce and all of its attendant negotiations and give-and-take behind them; that’s just not true of the narcissist, which makes going up against one that much harder. “It’s a way of staying connected,” Malkin says. “Better to be your enemy than to become a nobody in your eyes.”
5. He or she wants you to capitulate.
It’s not enough that he can say that he or she won—the narcissist needs a symbolic trophy to prove it and the easiest way to achieve that is for you to fold your tents and go away. Besting other people makes the narcissist feel good, and going to court is often waged as war of attrition.
How the narcissist changes the nature of the divorce
The likelihood is that you’ve ended up in court because of his or her refusal to discuss terms on any reasonable basis. Going to court and having a judge decide may actually make the narcissist more comfortable because it means he or she doesn’t have to take responsibility for the outcome, especially if it’s not favorable. That sounds counterintuitive, but the narcissist doesn’t want to give anything up willingly and the court system assures that, win or lose, it won’t be his or her fault. Paradoxically, ceding control permits the narcissist to maintain the illusion of control. Additionally, the process is likely to include:
1. The strategy of obstruction
Depending on which state you live in, family court proceedings can take a lot of time, and the narcissist will instruct his or her attorney to eat up as much of it as possible. Be prepared for the filing of lots of motions, requests for more time and delays, “emergencies" and the like. No matter which one of you is the plaintiff, the narcissist will be the self-described victim in all of his or her filings, the marriage revisited and retold. The thing is that the narcissist only believes his or her truth, even if it tests credulity. Narcissists may not be averse to lying in sworn documents, even about things that can be easily shown not to be true, because showing that they’re not true takes up more time and paper (and legal fees)—and that’s part of the strategy. Kirkpatrick notes that other tactics may include delaying when he or she thinks it can help or get under your skin, not showing up for court dates, including misleading information in filings and appeals that then needs to be challenged, and not disclosing information fully so that there are additional rounds of attorney correspondence and discovery requests and the legal fees continue to mount up. Because the narcissist is expert at self-presentation (and believes in his or her own superiority), the working assumption is that the judge will believe his or her story. (And if he or she is wealthy, and outwardly successful, and you’re less so, the ploy might well work.)
2. Refuse to negotiate or settle.
Again, time is an arrow in the narcissist’s quiver and he or she also knows that the longer the process takes, the easier you’ll be to manipulate and pressure. He or she is counting on that. Because a narcissist is by nature a game player, Kirkpatrick reports, "There are patterns to dealings with a narcissist in settlement negotiations. They make low ball offers or offers that are patently objectionable. They fail to respond to all aspects of the proposal so that there are always bargaining chips to be used to stall the negotiation or begin at the beginning again, and they fail to respond to the matters presented. Do not expect any good faith dealings.
"They lack the ability to negotiate towards a middle ground; they will likely keep stating the same position over and over again, even when the facts and circumstances have changed.”
3. Run up your bills.
Yes, money is used as a bludgeon in most cases. The narcissist most likely sees it as a necessary expense—if, in fact, he or she intends on paying his attorney in the end.
4. Paint you black.
Yes, whatever Jello or mud is available, whether true or not, will be thrown to see what sticks to the wall. You should be prepared to be maligned both in the paperwork, in the courtroom itself, and in the world at large—it’s part of the narcissist’s lack of empathy, lack of interest in relational consequences, and desire to win no matter what the cost. Kirkpatrick notes that these filings will then have to be defended against or corrected, eating up more time and money and, of course, opening the door to the judge’s believing the narcissist. Additionally, Kirkpatrick comments that getting his or her story out there—told to new friends, old ones, family members, and people associated with your work and profession—is also typical of the narcissist’s efforts to pollute the waters, cause harm to reputation and children, while garnering support for him or herself.
5. Go back to court again and again even after a settlement or divorce.
For all the reasons outlined above, the narcissist is likely to keep on using the court system to resolve any real disputes as well as to promulgate new ones. As noted, the narcissist games the system. If there are children involved, Kirkpatrick tells me, “It’s endless. Lack of back and forth communication, not sharing schedules, appointments, or itineraries, signing up children for activities that fall on both parents’ time without notice and discussion when the parent doesn’t have the legal authority to do so are pretty typical after a high-conflict divorce. Add in trying to get the child’s psychological records without legal authority and invading the child’s privacy, and not paying bills in a timely fashion. Then there’s the warfare which is less than stealth: sending frequent emails that complain, harass, and show that he or she is grilling the child or children about the other parent or household and putting down the parenting received.” These can all become issues which must be resolved through the courts, as the narcissist well knows.
What you need to pay attention to
These are some generalized pieces of advice which should be discussed with your attorney. Given the psychological toll a contested divorce takes on you, it’s probably wise that you engage a therapist as well to keep you as steady and productively proactive—and not reactive—as possible. “A good therapist,” Malkin says, “should talk to you about the possibility of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, common in abuse survivors, even when the only abuse has been serial infidelity.” Keep in mind that your lawyer isn’t a therapist, and your therapist isn’t an attorney.
1. Make sure your attorney is aware of the problem and proactive
It’s not always obvious that there’s a narcissist in the mix, especially if he or she appears to be well-spoken and well-off; self-presentation goes a long way in fooling people. Your ex’s narcissistic tendencies, in fact, may only fully reveal themselves during the divorce process because it’s during conflict that the narcissist shows his or her true colors. Discuss the patterns of your about-to-be-ex’s responses and the best way to deal with them and make sure that your side has a strategy. If your ex is acting as his or her own attorney, you need to pay close attention as well. Kirkpatrick also recommends that “If your lawyer isn’t familiar with this kind of difficult personality, you either have to change lawyers or be incredibly solid in directing the lawyer to take the actions you want to set boundaries. It’s best to switch lawyers because, as the client, you’re vulnerable and you don’t need to be told explicitly or implicitly that ‘it’s in your head’ or ‘there’s nothing to be done.’” She too recommends that you develop support by going into therapy since this kind of divorce is emotionally and psychologically wearing.
2. Keep copies of everything, especially expenditures
Even if you’ve never been much of a record keeper, this is the time to become one. If this case devolves into a “he said/she said” situation with conflicting storylines, muster all the evidence you can. “This one’s hugely important," Malkin says. “It’s helped more than one of my clients discredit their ex’s lies.”
3. Stay cool and avoid the traps
Do not indulge your anger in voice mail or send emails and texts that could be construed as harassing or demeaning, especially if there are children involved. “Restraint of pen and tongue is key. Know how risky all communication is with a narcissist ex because he or she is likely to edit your texts and emails to share them with others, his new inner circle people. Keep in mind the narcissist has to control the story because of his or her low self-esteem and the need to be viewed as the ‘good guy or gal,’" Kirkpatrick says. “Keep the narcissist’s game-playing in the forefront of your mind and do what you can not to be drawn in. Do not make comments about your spouse in front of your children or to the people he hangs out with, as they will get back to him and fuel more retaliation.”
Even if your spouse is using the kids to score points, try to hew to the high road. “Your kids will appreciate that you’ve kept your relationship with your ex out of the conversation with them,” Malkin says. “Eventually, they see their narcissistic parent’s mudslinging for what it is: an attempt to manipulate their own children. And that’s how the narcissist inevitably loses the game.”
Kirkpatrick adds, “They marginalize themselves if you just stay focused on the next right step.”
That said, the damage done to families and family finances by these divorces is very real, as is the stress of having to endure one and, if there are children, the terrific toll a fractious and sustained divorce takes on feelings of trust and security. But the more prepared you are, legally and psychologically, the better you’ll fare.
Craig Malkin, Ph.D., is a psychologist, author, lecturer at Harvard Medical School, and director of YM Psychotherapy & Consultation, which provides psychotherapy and couples workshops. As a blogger for Psychology Today and the Huffington Post, he frequently writes about psychology and relationships and works with media outlets such as Time, The New York Times, and NPR. His new book is Rethinking Narcissism.
Mary G. Kirkpatrick is a trial lawyer whose practice in Vermont has included complicated divorce cases since 1986. She has significant experience with the research on divorce and child custody, having worked with national and state experts regarding parental alienation, personality disorders and divorce, and the effects of divorce on the family system.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201605/13-essential-tips-if-you-are-divorcing-narcissist
