Divorce is such an ugly word in the English language.
It has so many negative connotations.
And we’re constantly reminded of our marital status no matter where we go.
Go to the doctor and they’ll ask you the marital status.
Online, they’ll ask you your marital status. Single, married, widowed or divorced. Well, to me it’s either single or married. It’s nobody’s concern or business whether you’re widowed or divorced or separated.
All it does is reveal how you’re going to be judged.
Judged by people you speak with and literally judged by yourself.
I’ve been coaching people for almost 20 years now, and when a divorced person comes to me, they’ll always tell me how their marriage failed.
Well, their marriage did not fail. It wasn’t a failure. They actually tried to work and have a marriage, and that is not a failure. That’s an amazing, beautiful lesson that they had and shared with another person.
You had to bring that person into your life to learn more about yourself to understand the lessons that you needed to learn to make the changes that you needed to make in yourself to grow as a person. So, it’s just another step in the evolution of you as a human being living through the experiences of your life.
And that’s the first step in a successful divorce -
Recognize the beautiful lessons that were learned.
Embrace those lessons. Only after those lessons are fully embraced will you actually have a healthier relationship. The people who decide not to embrace the lessons continue to talk negatively about their divorce.
They go on to the next relationship that will repeat the same lessons again until they finally figure out that you need to really look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that you may or may not have caused in that relationship.
Now, for people who share children with somebody: children are not possessions.
They’re not negotiating tools or chips so you can get more child support or money out of an ex.
Children are beautiful souls who came into this world because two people brought them into it.
I have single mothers tell me, “I carried her or I carried him. Their father doesn’t deserve them.””I brought them into this world.”
And that’s a very narcissistic approach to parenting.
It’s all about them and not about the children that they brought into this world. Because it takes a mother and a father to equally raise the beautiful loving boys and girls into amazing men and women.
Depriving your child time with the opposite sex parent is basically sending your child down a rocky road to therapy and screwed up relationships.
When a child cannot have access or a substantial amount of time with their father and/or mother due to another parents’ control issues over the kids, it is basically just setting them up for future relationship issues when they get older. When a child gets old enough, they will rebel and see the truth, and see how they were blocked karmically and energetically from spending time with their parents.
I’m seeing it with a lot of clients right now. Their mothers have controlled their kids. And now their teenage daughters are lashing out, literally having sex in the bathroom of school, and doing other things that are detrimental to the development of the child once they get into adulthood.
When a child can’t have a relationship with both parents, whether it’s a boy or girl, it’s going to lead to issues with their relationships in the future.
How do I know that? It happened to me.
It’s happened to the majority of clients I have counseled over the last 20 years.
But there’s a percentage of mothers and fathers out there who block their kids from spending equal time with the other parent. They do it based out of their own fears and insecurities.
They truly believe that they should not give up their child at all.
They believe that the other parent can’t do as good a job as them, but really what it comes down to is they’ve got major issues, separation anxiety and things they have not resolved in their childhood. So, they’re holding on to the one thing that they can control: their child.
Basically, not allowing the child to really have all the beautiful things that they truly need in their life.
These parents will always put themselves first.
And always claim they’re the best parents in the world because they don’t really want to look in the mirror.
The beauty of divorce is that it took two people to bring a kid into this world.
It took two people to create this magical being.
And it takes two people respect it, to bring this child up. So, for those of you who are controlling a child, blocking another parent from spending time with a child, maybe you should look really deep into your own issues and how this playing out in your life with your children and your ex.
Because you’re setting your kids up for future relationship failures, and I’ve seen it thousands of times.
You’re setting yourself up for a kid that’s going to rebel because eventually, all the control and all the dominating things you’re doing now is not going to work anymore when the kid gets older.
And they’re going to see the other parent because all they’ve done is just be about love and wanting to be with them with no control.They’re going to run right into the arms of that one.
There are times when it feels like you are nothing more than your divorce. It’s an understandable perception – it’s always on your mind, even in the deepest recesses that you’re not aware of. And, there is the fact that the tentacles of divorce manage to touch every area of your life. Your physical and emotional health, your friends and family, your finances, and planning for your future, all are colored by the fact that you are getting divorced - or already are. It’s a big change. But it doesn’t have to define you. I think it’s valuable to remember this – you are not your divorce. You are the sum of your life experience, which has shaped you into the person you are today. You have developed a set a values during that life experience, even if you are not aware of it. This is a good time to put them down on paper – name them, give voice to your values. Yes, even if you do it with energy that relates to your divorce. For example, “I value honesty” (and he/she obviously did not). 'I value financial security'... and so forth. Knowing what is important to you can become a sort of moral compass in a time of crisis, like divorce. It’s very easy to be pulled in one direction or another without some sort of guiding principals in life. Especially when your foundation has been rocked. I know a divorced woman who was a dedicated wife and mother, although very unhappy. Like Nora, in “A Doll’s House”, she reached a point of no return in terms of her discontentment, and simply left the marriage. She truly felt that it was a matter of life and death. Having few friends, no career, little work experience, and two children under the age of 10, she rented an apartment and found full time work.‘Carrie’ really didn’t know what was important to her, except for her children. For the next few years, she enjoyed the social life which she missed during her marriage, and even had several important relationships with men. But without clarity or reflection about who she wanted to become, or what she valued in life, Carrie's children became the focal point of her life. As the children grew up, which they all do, moving into their own lives, she found herself living what she described as a “meaningless” life. She had some make up work to do, and eventually did figure out what mattered to her. Carrie now runs a food co-op for homeless people, and says she feels a growing sense of ‘purpose’ returning to her life. I would not begrudge anyone from having a light, carefree moment or two after divorce. It’s been a stressful time, full of change and adjustment. It’s good to listen to the wanderlust need, or the need for quiet and calm. Take some time out. But keep an eye and ear to yourself, and notice what your inner voice is saying. It’s hard for many of us to look into our own hearts and souls and listen. Many of us have been conditioned to notice what matters to others, and to make their dreams our missions to fulfil. This is the time when you must learn how to listen to yourself. What really matters to you, the kind of person you are, who you want to become, and what kind of life you see for yourself – these things together form to become your guiding light after a divorce. You are so much more than your divorce. Source: http://www.chicagonow.com/divorce-reality/2017/06/you-are-not-your-divorce/
Sometimes we all need to front-up and take the difficult decisions, have the awkward conversations and take the actions we've been putting off. This can often be the case as we work through divorce.
It's understandable that procrastination can take over when there is something we really don't want to do, either out of fear for the consequences that we anticipate or because of uncertainty over what will happen.
Sometimes you just need to get on and do it!
New Delhi, June 16 (IANS) Activists, fighting for shared parenting in case of divorce or separation, on Friday demanded a law to make shared parenting mandatory seeking punishment for parents who disobey the court orders regarding child visitation. “Ahead of Father’s Day, we are demanding implementation of the Law Commission of India 2015 report that provides equal legal status and joint custody of the children to both parents,” Kumar V. Jahgirdar, founder and president of the Child Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting (CRISP), told IANS. He said the joint custody of a child has to be made mandatory by reforming family laws. Bengaluru-based CRISP — whose activists from its regional chapters in Chandigarh, New Delhi, Chennai, Hyderabad, Mumbai and Lucknow will observe silent protests and awareness campaigns on International Father’s Day that falls on every third Sunday of June (June 18 this year) — is pushing for reforms in family laws. Jahgirdar, who is seeking adequate paternity leave just like women, said these days when both parents are working, the role of the father in nurturing a child has become all the more important. “The central government has to introduce a bill in the ensuing session of Parliament on shared parenting with necessary amendments in guardianship and custody laws as recommended by the Law Commission irrespective of the child’s gender,” he said. The two laws — the Guardians and Wards Act of 1890 and the Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act of 1956 — at present decide the custody of children in divorce cases. According CRISP estimates, more than 25,000 divorce cases are pending in family courts in Bangalore alone. In the country, the figure totals over 500,000. The parents of the estranged couples have their own woes. Sudha Rajashekar, who heads the grandparents’ wing of CRISP, said separate visitation rights have to be provided to the senior citizens as they are deprived of seeing their grandchildren. She told IANS there is need for change in the existing laws on rights of grandparents along with the fathers. Jahgirdar’s NGO has also been demanding a separate union ministry for children and to de-link from the existing Ministry of Women and Child Development since the objectives of both women and children are different. It is seeking an end to discrimination between maternal grandparents and paternal grandparents and has demanded that family courts treat both equally.
This past winter, I didn't wear a coat. It’s not that the cold didn't bother me; the idea wasn't to ignore the temperature. Instead, the idea was to build resiliency.
The fighter Mike Tyson once said, “Everybody has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth.” As an entrepreneur, you need to roll with the punches. Complacency is deadly in business. Kodak, Blackberry, even AOL (see below) are cautionary tales of what happens when business leaders fail to adapt during changing times.
My own coat challenge was just one way to keep myself sharp. I’ll drive new routes home so I don’t fall into patterns. I’ll show up in a new city with only $10 in my pocket -- and no credit cards -- to see if I can figure out how to get my destination. I’ve even tried eating healthy off a food stamp budget for two weeks, learning how to keep what’s crucial and eliminate what’s superfluous. Some people, by virtue of their DNA, are just born more resilient. Research shows that those naturally selected have a higher proportion of neuropeptide, a transmitter in the brain, that makes them more psychologically hearty and resistant to high-pressure situations. Luckily, research shows that resiliency can be as much nurture as it is nature. While some of my self-imposed challenges may seem bizarre, resiliency training helps me rise to the demands of operating a business. Rather than let obstacles get the better of me, I’ve practiced the fine art of calculation, regulating my emotions in order to stay focused and find the clear path forward. In my view, there are four things resilient individuals -- and organizations -- must do in order to rise above adversity.
1. Remain realistic.
Optimism is great, but big challenges require a sober grasp of reality. It’s important for business leaders to ask, “Do I truly understand -- and accept -- the reality of the situation?” People who are overly positive are less likely to foresee pitfalls. Worse, they’re prone to slip into denial, rather than tackle the hard issues in front of them. The truth is, facing reality is often uncomfortable and requires a certain gut-check. But business leaders need that kind of cool, unblinking courage to confront difficult situations and move forward toward success.
2. Reframe problems into lessons.
When the going gets tough, we all know people who start to lament, “Why me?” But playing the victim doesn’t solve problems. Tough times are going to happen. The resilient leader asks, “What have I learned from this experience?” Not, “What have I lost?” The lessons of past experiences only help to inform future chances to do it better next time. That’s something all successful businesses and individuals understand. A case study from my own experience: Our health search business had a vision of getting into the cost transparency-business. And our exuberant sales team sold it -- but it was slideware, not software. The product had to be built under a tight deadline. The client, thinking it was already done, asked for customized modifications, which we had to build into the core product against a deadline. In the end, we ended up with a piece of customized software but violated the basic business rule: Build it once, sell it a hundred times.
3. Be resourceful.
Making do with what’s at hand takes discipline and a keen eye. Often, creative individuals with a varied skill set are able to come up with the best solutions. When the going gets tough, these leaders imagine possibilities and improvise their way toward a solution, whereas others may stay idle and remain confounded. Resourceful individuals are more resilient since they’re able to rise above stress and thrive with changing times. Another case study: Soon after we launched our website, a formidable competitor burst onto the scene. Revolution Health, founded by Steve Case of AOL -- here's my AOL example -- was well-funded and taking aim at the space we were in. How could we possibly compete? Rather than panic or fold up our tent, we looked for places where Revolution Health wasn't building things we felt consumers needed. We focused all our energies on those narrow spaces. And we made a bet on building traffic through free SEO from Google -- while Revolution burned through millions building its brand. This competitor also had internal issues that ultimately caused its failure, leaving the field wide open, because it chased some of the other smaller, less resilient competitors out of the way.
4. Work for a higher purpose.
Leaders would be wise to practice what Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl termed “meaning therapy.” Simply put, it teaches people to look past their immediate hardships to think of the greater meaning of their lives. In business, purpose and profits don’t have to be at odds. A company that cares deeply about a cause creates intrinsic value for both the workers and the customers. At Vitals, we’re committed to making the experience of choosing healthcare better. That mission drives and unifies the staff. It makes it likely that employees will stick together -- and not jump ship -- during difficult periods. And it’s something customers can easily grasp and get behind. In the end, no one in business can expect to simply walk out among the raindrops. Resiliency is a reflex, a way of understanding the world when the odds are stacked against you. It requires facing down the competition, improvising solutions and creating something meaningful out of work. This is how Vitals has survived during setbacks -- and will continue to when the next challenge arrives. Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245200
About seven months ago, Billy Flynn, a divorced father of two, made national headlines when his Facebook post on co-parenting went viral. It's been shared almost 120,000 times, and close to 220,000 people have reacted to it. Flynn was married for 11 years before separating from his wife in 2012. Since then, he has worked to establish a new "normal" when it comes to the family dynamics. There's no road map when it comes to divorce, especially when there are children involved. The adults hold a great deal of power, and it's easy to get caught up in the emotional component. Flynn works as managing partner of Gadbois Audet, a firm that deals with family law, in addition to several other areas, so he sees parents "duking it out" in court and not considering the ramifications involved. When adults focus on their negative feelings toward one another, the children take the hit. According to Flynn's now-famous post, he agrees. Here are his words that went viral:
"It's my ex-wife's birthday today so I got up early and brought flowers and cards and a gift over for the kids to give her and helped them make her breakfast. Per usual someone asked me why the hell I still do things for her all the time. This annoys me. So ima break it down for you all. I'm raising two little men. The example I set for how I treat their mom is going to significantly shape how they see and treat women and affect their perception of relationships. I think even more so in my case because we are divorced. So if you aren't modeling good relationship behavior for your kids, get your (expletive) together. Rise above it and be an example. This is bigger than you. Raise good men. Raise strong women. Please. The world needs them, now more than ever." In the months following his post, Flynn has been inundated with comments - both positive and negative. Some have lashed out, calling his views unrealistic, while others have commended his ability to "man up" in what can be a difficult situation. We reached out to Flynn for a more in-depth explanation of his post - and to address the criticism that he's faced as a result of putting his life in front of the world. Here's what he had to say
"I'm not advocating that everyone should or even CAN do what I do. My kids like making Mom breakfast on her birthday, so I shop for them and help them make it and leave. That's their breakfast with Mom, I'm just a facilitator. Every case is different, depending on the relationship and the boundaries you have set with your ex and their new partner, if they have one. The details of what you do aren't important. The message behind it is: You're an example. Little ones don't have the resources an adult has, but they still want to show love and appreciation for their parents. Setting aside your differences to facilitate that and set an example without negativity is the point, not making breakfast. People miss the forest for the trees on this one. Whether it's taking them shopping for a card on her birthday or helping them hand-make something on Mother's Day, you have a chance to join and encourage their affection to an important person in their life. Parents are god-like figures in a child's life. How you act toward this important person will leave an impression right now and for their future, whether you like it or not. Kids don't need to know your resentment or interpersonal issues with your ex, that's selfish. They aren't your personal sounding board or therapist. They are too young to comprehend the issues, but they aren't too young to sense anger and resentment and they don't know what to do with that. It's confusing. You have to set it aside. We can pretend Santa is real for them, why can't we pretend Mom and Dad still value each other and care to treat each other with respect? It's even more important! They look to you as an example of how to behave, of how to be, of what is acceptable in relationships - and ultimately, that's the bottom line. Actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what the other person does or doesn't do. You can't control that. But you CAN control the behaviors and values you demonstrate for your children." Source: http://www.9news.com/news/dad-fires-back-after-critics-slam-viral-facebook-post-on-divorce/447045507
September is the second largest boom time of the year for divorce after January. The stress and strain of the summer holiday when normal routines are broken and families often end up spending a lot more quality time together can take its toll. If you have a good solid foundation to your marriage then you will be able to ride the waves when they appear. However if the marriage is already shaky then summer holidays can rock it to the core. Families with kids will have their term time routine thrown into chaos as the children are off school for 6-8 weeks at a time. Partners often have different expectations of holiday time. I often hear that mum’s need a break from the children and Dad’s need a break from work. So arguments arise when nobody wants to do the mundane housework or entertain the kids all day long. These issues become added to the ever increasing stack of niggles that have been accumulating over the weeks, months and sometimes years. These frustrations add to any underlying issues and the problems become magnified. This will put pressure on any family unit so it’s important to set some guidelines and communicate about what you as a couple expect and need from the holiday time. Be clear about what your expectations are for any time off work you may have. If you feel you need a rest then discuss how this can work with the children off at the same time.
Make sure you respect each other’s needs as well as your own
Be prepared to reach a compromise
Talk calmly about any niggles as they arise. If you can nip them in the bud you have more chance of preventing arguments
Plan in some couple time so you don’t forget the romance. Often kids will dominate the holiday time so it’s important to book out some alone time for the two of you
The school gates in the first few weeks of term are often where you discover who survived the summer and who the casualties have been. It can often be surprising as you never know what happens behind closed doors. The most unlikely of partners can decide to uncouple and go their separate ways. This boom affect celebrities too as we see in the news headline recently with Arsene Wenger and Jeremy Kyle both announcing their divorces this week. They have to live out this traumatic time in the glare of the media which must make it all the most daunting and difficult. With 1 in 4 kids seeing their parents divorced by the age of 16 it is becoming a normal part of life. Many kids will have friends in their class who have been through similar situations rather than being the exception to the rule. The stigma around divorce is disappearing as it doesn’t have to be seen as a failure. You may have had a wonderful loving relationship that just came to an end. Maybe it fizzled out or maybe one of you ended it rather suddenly or painfully. However the truth is that divorce doesn’t have to a long lasting negative affect on your life. Of course there will be ups and downs and sadly there is no magic wand to take the pain away. But the reality is many people go on to be happy again and even get married again. It’s not the end, in fact it can be the start of a new and exciting phase in your life. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/september-is-boom-time-for-divorce_b_8205910.html
