10 Surprising Findings on Shared Parenting After Divorce or Separation

What is the most beneficial parenting plan for children after their parents separate or divorce? Are children better off living primarily or exclusively with one parent in sole physical custody (SPC) and spending varying amounts of time with their other parent? Or are their outcomes better when they live with each parent at least 35% of the time in a joint physical custody/shared parenting (JPC) family? Furthermore, is JPC beneficial when parents have high, ongoing conflict? In fact, isn’t shared parenting only chosen by, and suitable for, a very select group of parents—those with higher incomes, lower conflict, and more cooperative relationships who mutually and voluntarily agree to share from the outset?

To answer these questions, I reviewed 54 studies that compared children’s outcomes in shared and sole physical custody families independent of family income and parental conflict. In another recent study, I examined all the studies that compared levels of conflict and quality of co-parenting relationships between the two groups of parents. Ten findings emerged from my research, many of which refute commonly held beliefs that can lead to custody decisions that are often not in children’s best interests.

1. In the 54 studies—absent situations in which children needed protection from an abusive or negligent parent even before their parents separated—children in shared-parenting families had better outcomes than children in sole physical custody families. The measures of well-being included: academic achievement, emotional health (anxiety, depression, self-esteem, life satisfaction), behavioral problems (delinquency, school misbehavior, bullying, drugs, alcohol, smoking), physical health and stress-related illnesses, and relationships with parents, stepparents, and grandparents.

2. Infants and toddlers in JPC families have no worse outcomes than those in SPC families. Sharing overnight parenting time does not weaken young children’s bonds with either parent.

3. When the level of parental conflict was factored in, JPC children still had better outcomes across multiple measures of well-being. High conflict did not override the benefits linked to shared parenting, so JPC children’s better outcomes cannot be attributed to lower parental conflict.

4. Even when family income was factored in, JPC children still had better outcomes. Moreover, JPC parents were not significantly richer than SPC parents.

5. JPC parents generally did not have better co-parenting relationships or significantly less conflict than SPC parents. The benefits linked to JPC cannot be attributed to better co-parenting or to lower conflict.

6. Most JPC parents do not mutually or voluntarily agree to the plan at the outset. In the majority of cases, one parent initially opposed the plan and compromised as a result of legal negotiations, mediation, or court orders. Yet in these studies, JPC children still had better outcomes than SPC children.

7. When children are exposed to high, ongoing conflict between their parents, including physical conflict, they do not have any worse outcomes in JPC than in SPC families. Being involved in high, ongoing conflict is no more damaging to children in JPC than in SPC families.

8. Maintaining strong relationships with both parents by living in JPC families appears to offset the damage of high parental conflict and poor co-parenting. Although JPC does not eliminate the negative impact of frequently being caught in the middle of high, ongoing conflict between divorced parents, it does appear to reduce children’s stress, anxiety, and depression.

9. JPC parents are more likely to have detached, distant, and “parallel” parenting relationships than to have “co-parenting” relationships where they work closely together, communicate often, interact regularly, coordinate household rules and routines, or try to parent with the same parenting style.

10. No study has shown that children whose parents are in high legal conflict or who take their custody dispute to court have worse outcomes than children whose parents have less legal conflict and no custody hearing.

These findings refute a number of popular myths about shared parenting. One among many examples is a 2013 study from the University of Virginia that was reported in dozens of media outlets around the world under frightening headlines such as: “Spending overnights away from mom weakens infants’ bonds.” In the official press release, the researchers stated that their study should guide judges’ decisions about custody for children under the age of four. In fact, however, the study is not in any way applicable to the general population. The participants were impoverished, poorly-educated, non-white parents who had never been married or lived together, had high rates of incarceration, drug abuse, and violence, and had children with multiple partners. Moreover, there were no clear relationships between overnighting and children’s attachments to their mothers.

My review of 54 studies on shared parenting finds that, independent of parental conflict and family income, children in shared physical custody families—with the exception of situations where children need protection from an abusive or negligent parent—have better outcomes across a variety of measures of well-being than do children in sole physical custody. Knowledge and understanding of these findings allow us to dismantle some of the myths surrounding shared parenting so we can better serve the interests of the millions of children whose parents are no longer living together.

Source: https://ifstudies.org/blog/10-surprising-findings-on-shared-parenting-after-divorce-or-separation

How My Divorce Made Me a Better Dad ⏤ And a Better Man

"The only thing I really wanted to be when I grew up was an amazing father. Being divorced crushed me."

“I don’t love you anymore.” In an instant, those words changed my life forever. A million thoughts raced through my mind: “What?!” “What about the kids?!” “Can we make it work?!” “I’ll do whatever it takes!”

It was Christmas Eve, and we were having a conversation ⏤ okay, a disagreement ⏤ about whether we should move. My wife (now ex-wife) was just finishing her first year in real estate, and we were struggling financially. We couldn’t live off my income alone, and we were using up what little savings we had. We bought a house we couldn’t afford and had just spent too much on Christmas gifts for the kids. But I believed in her. I knew she could be successful and even though times were tough now, we could ⏤ we would ⏤ make it.

She was silent. She was done listening. But there was a weight in the air, and I knew something else other than moving was on her mind. She hesitated, but I egged her tell me what it was. And then she said it: “I don’t love you anymore. No amount of counseling, foot rubs, or money could change her mind.

My biological father left when I was born. My step-father wasn’t much of one and consistently decided alcohol was more important than his children. But this isn’t a “poor me” story. I’m not looking for sympathy. My childhood was really good, and I have an amazing mom. I’m fine. As a result of my childhood though, the only thing I really wanted to be when I grew up was an amazing father. I wanted to become the best fatherly version of myself.

Being divorced crushed me. I mean really crushed me. My wife was my world, my family was my life. Everything had been flipped upside down. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I had a gun in my hand several times. What I thought was my world was over. But it wasn’t. When I came out on the other side, I had learned a few things. Lessons that I hope can help other dads who find themselves in the same unfortunate situation today. Maybe they can help you. Maybe they can help you from getting divorced. Or help you recognize problems in your marriage before they spiral out of control. Maybe what I’ve learned can help you in your darkest moment and realize life does get better, way better.

In short, I learned that the kids will be okay. I learned what I really want (and need) in a partner. I learned how to balance a relationship with kids. I learned how to be a better partner. And finally, I learned how to be a better father.

The kids will be okay. I am blessed to see my three every Thursday thru Sunday. They’re ages are 12-, 7-, and 4-years-old, and they all experienced divorce at different stages of their lives. My oldest is technically my “step” daughter, but I’ve raised her since she was born. And my biggest fear as I went through this hell was that I wouldn’t be able to see my little angel again ⏤ I love her more than words can express. Luckily, both my ex and her biological father have been amazing and allow me see her frequently. She’s really grown up as a person during this mess, initially taking on a motherly role and helping me with her younger brothers, helping with dishes, picking up the house. She’s constantly caring and worried about me, and was so happy when I started dating because she knew I wouldn’t be alone. Once I started dating, she fell back into the role of my child. I like her better there. She’s going to grow up fast enough. She’s going to be okay.

My oldest boy has a soft heart. He was crushed. He shut down at first and couldn’t understand how this could happen. His mom and I didn’t fight, at least not in front of the kids. He and I talked a lot. We talked about his feelings, we talked about what was happening and what changes he might experience. We grew closer. Now he talks to me about his feelings, frequently. He’s excelling in school. He’s excelling in sports. He’s going to be okay.

My youngest was 2-years-old when everything started. I really didn’t think this would affect him at all since he was so young. But it did. He was angry. He couldn’t express his emotions with words so he acted out. He was afraid to be left alone and didn’t want to sleep in his room. For the most part, he controls his emotions now and uses his words when he’s upset. Part of that is just him getting older, part is him knowing his mom and I both still love him, even though we aren’t together. He sleeps in his room all night now. He’s going to be okay.
Looking back on my marriage, I realized several things I wish I had done differently. Why couldn’t I have just rubbed her feet or her neck when she asked? We should have talked more. We should have made time to go on dates. We should have put each other first. We
should have taken vacations.Being single again allowed me to be picky ⏤ to search for what I really wanted in a partner. Dating sucks. I was on several dating apps and web pages ⏤ Match, Bumble, Tinder, POF, you name it, I was there ⏤ but I didn’t like anyone I dated. Nothing clicked, something was always missing. It wasn’t until I was set up by a friend that I was like, “Wow! this is amazing.” And more importantly, I realized this is what it is supposed to be like. I found a true connection, someone I could laugh and talk with all night long. We shared stories and hopes and dreams and struggles. When she met my kids, she loved them as if they were her own.

My kids come first. But now I have a new partner to share the journey with. She’s been more than amazing. The kids adore her. She adores the kids. Balancing the kids with my new love has been easy because we communicate so well. We talk each night about what happened that day, about what’s coming up for the rest of the week, about who needs to be dropped off and who needs to be picked up. On the days we don’t have my kids, I still miss them like crazy, but it gives us the time to spend with each other. Automatic date nights are built in. My new love doesn’t mind sharing our lives. She comes to soccer games, attends school functions, and seamlessly fits into the rest of our lives.

Which leads me to my last point. Being divorced taught me how to be a better father. I only have limited time with kids, so I make the most of it. No sitting around the house being bored. No kids in one room and me in the living room. We eat together. We play together. We dance, wrestle, play board games, and hug. I don’t miss things because of work. The little things became more important. My two oldest and I text and I call them on days I don’t see them. I have a different but closer relationship with them now than before. And I don’t take the daily stuff for granted.

Source: https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/divorce-made-me-better-father-man/

Rebuilding Life after Divorce

For divorced men, the reality is painful emotionally, physically, financially, and just about any angle you can look at it. It’s simply an unpleasant experience. To rebuild from it or from anything, the anger needs to subside, whatever humor to be found needs to be brought forth, and a renewed spirit developed.

At the same time as rebuilding begins, there needs to be an emphasis placed upon not regressing to less- developed former states. Many men in this situation fall back to a younger adult mentality of late night partying and ill-advised romantic involvements. Instead, focus on using the experience to emerge wiser and more prepared for what is next in life. Remaining stagnate or regressing are traps that usually lead to even more heartache.

There is hope for life after divorce. Divorced men can experience less trauma and create positive growth. There are ways to rebuild life and be a better parent. Here’s how:

Make Time to Grieve

The shattered dreams, the broken vows, and the reality of starting over all cause severe emotion. Shoving that emotion down and not releasing it will cause further damage in every case. Most do not realize the destructive paths they are going down until a lot of carnage is behind them. All the stages of grief come with divorce: shock, denial, anger, and acceptance. But for men, in particular, there can be a deep sense of personal failure. Finding trusted people to share these emotions with is highly recommended. That could be a clergy person, a counselor or just a wise and sincere friend or small group. As you move into this major life transition, being emotionally unstable is not beneficial to your cause. Address your grief.

Regain Individual Identity
Marriage is about partnership and teamwork, and now you find yourself on your own. It’s time to regain your individual identity and figure out what are the things that make life work well for you. It’s important to learn to respect yourself and feel worthy again. Hone the character traits and abilities you possess that lead to positive results in your life, and critically figure out the ones that contributed to the lack of success. Doing these things will enable us to better understand what we need and expect from the next relationship. Most of all, learn to pray with sincerity and purpose. God has not and will not leave your side.

Build a Network of Friends

Just because you’re single now, life after divorce doesn’t have to be lonely. Divorce will wreak havoc on some of your current friendships, but gracefully accept that and retain the ones that reach out to you. Moving forward, carefully work to make new friends in similar situations with similar goals. This is the area that is most vulnerable to regression. It’s certainly expected to have an active and enjoyable social life, but craft it with great care.

Prudent Financial Planning

You have enough stress from the divorce already. Accumulating mass amounts of debt will make life much more miserable as you transition. Alimony and child support are going to force serious restructuring. Doing so bitterly is going to send trauma throughout the entire family unit, especially landing right in the heart of your children. They will feel unwanted and as if they are burdens, when what they need more than anything at the moment is lots of reassurance that dad is still going to be there for them. Make the hard decisions and necessary cuts. It’s going to painful, but you’ll come out of it one day much better off.

Make a Goals Bucket List
Starting over requires deciding what are the things most important to you. Make a bucket list of goals you wish to achieve in this new direction in life. A better version of the man you already are. A better and wiser parent. Be a man that prepares himself for the best chance at happiness and success. Try and feel new things.

Source: https://www.allprodad.com/rebuilding-life-after-divorce/

Effective Divorce Advice for Men with Children

Divorce, no matter how smooth or difficult the process might be, it is a major change for everyone involved, and as such, it is an unknown situation with unknown outcomes. So, don’t be afraid to ask for help and guidance. Here are some of the most important things you should know about how to make the divorce as unproblematic as possible.
Understand what it means for the children

It is easy to get tangled up in the bitterness about the approaching divorce. Nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself focused on your own feelings and worries. You’re also going through a change that you weren’t prepared for, weren’t planning on some years ago when you said your “I do”.

Yet, your children are even less prepared for it. No matter how many signs there could have been along the way, almost all children still never expect their parents to split, even when they are already in their teens. This is why it will be your responsibility as their father to learn about what the divorce means for them, and to respect their pain.

You can begin by doing some research online about what the children of divorcing parents are going through. But, it might be an even better idea to talk to a psychologist about what your children will experience, how it will affect them, how they might react, and how to make the process as smooth as possible. In all cases, you need to talk to your children, learn how to get into their shoes and try to help them resolve their doubts and fears.

Practice restraint and kindness

Yes, there are not-so-ugly divorces. Some even speak of friendly and cheerful separations. Yet, for the majority of divorcing fathers, it is a period in which the ugliest and the nastiest come to the surface, both from you and your ex-wife. It can even start resembling a war, with the sides resorting to any means necessary.

Under those circumstances, one can easily get dragged into resentment, anger, hostility, and aggression. Yet, for men with children, letting your anger go loose is not a good idea, as you’re not hurting only your wife and yourself, but also very much your children. Therefore, find a way to get in touch with your best self, and practice kindness, gentleness, and tolerance. Only in such situation will you truly help your kids adapt to the change and maintain the relationship with both of their parents.

Know your rights and obligations

Getting a divorce often means that you will now not only have your separate household to care about but also that you will have to think about alimony and child support now. The rules regarding these aspects of a divorce can be quite intricate. Then there’s the specific agreement you might have made with your ex-wife. For it all to go painlessly, you should get informed about all your obligations and possible consequences of not obeying the court’s decision.

Furthermore, if you get joint custody, it also comes with a set of both rights and obligations. And it can be quite difficult to handle. This is why you should know all about the logistics of joint custody, your children’s wishes, and your responsibilities. And most importantly, even in the most civil post-divorce relationships, joint custody can cause friction. Be sure you’re on the same page with your ex on all major aspects of how it is going to work.

Be mindful about dating

Finally, now a single man again, you will probably start thinking about dating again soon, if you haven’t already. Yet, as a father, you need to consider how this will affect your children as well. You deserve to regain your personal life, that is certain, but be sure to talk to your children about it before you embark on that path. Because you never know where the next big romance can come out of, and your children need to be prepared for another change when and if it comes.

Divorce is different for everyone. But even when it is the beginning of a new refreshed life, for men with children it is never a clean cut. Regardless of your relationship with your ex-wife, the children will always be your children, and you need to find the right path for your family, one that works for all of you the best.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/divorce-advice-for-men-with-children/

Dad fires back after critics slam viral Facebook post on divorce

About seven months ago, Billy Flynn, a divorced father of two, made national headlines when his Facebook post on co-parenting went viral.

It's been shared almost 120,000 times, and close to 220,000 people have reacted to it.
Flynn was married for 11 years before separating from his wife in 2012. Since then, he has worked to establish a new "normal" when it comes to the family dynamics.

There's no road map when it comes to divorce, especially when there are children involved. The adults hold a great deal of power, and it's easy to get caught up in the emotional component.

Flynn works as managing partner of Gadbois Audet, a firm that deals with family law, in addition to several other areas, so he sees parents "duking it out" in court and not considering the ramifications involved.

When adults focus on their negative feelings toward one another, the children take the hit.
According to Flynn's now-famous post, he agrees.

Here are his words that went viral:

"It's my ex-wife's birthday today so I got up early and brought flowers and cards and a gift over for the kids to give her and helped them make her breakfast. Per usual someone asked me why the hell I still do things for her all the time. This annoys me. So ima break it down for you all.

I'm raising two little men. The example I set for how I treat their mom is going to significantly shape how they see and treat women and affect their perception of relationships. I think even more so in my case because we are divorced. So if you aren't modeling good relationship behavior for your kids, get your (expletive) together. Rise above it and be an example. This is bigger than you.

Raise good men. Raise strong women. Please. The world needs them, now more than ever."

In the months following his post, Flynn has been inundated with comments - both positive and negative. Some have lashed out, calling his views unrealistic, while others have commended his ability to "man up" in what can be a difficult situation.

We reached out to Flynn for a more in-depth explanation of his post - and to address the criticism that he's faced as a result of putting his life in front of the world. Here's what he had to say

"I'm not advocating that everyone should or even CAN do what I do. My kids like making Mom breakfast on her birthday, so I shop for them and help them make it and leave. That's their breakfast with Mom, I'm just a facilitator. Every case is different, depending on the relationship and the boundaries you have set with your ex and their new partner, if they have one. The details of what you do aren't important. The message behind it is: You're an example. Little ones don't have the resources an adult has, but they still want to show love and appreciation for their parents. Setting aside your differences to facilitate that and set an example without negativity is the point, not making breakfast. People miss the forest for the trees on this one. Whether it's taking them shopping for a card on her birthday or helping them hand-make something on Mother's Day, you have a chance to join and encourage their affection to an important person in their life. Parents are god-like figures in a child's life. 

How you act toward this important person will leave an impression right now and for their future, whether you like it or not. Kids don't need to know your resentment or interpersonal issues with your ex, that's selfish. They aren't your personal sounding board or therapist. 

They are too young to comprehend the issues, but they aren't too young to sense anger and resentment and they don't know what to do with that. It's confusing. You have to set it aside. 

We can pretend Santa is real for them, why can't we pretend Mom and Dad still value each other and care to treat each other with respect? It's even more important! They look to you as an example of how to behave, of how to be, of what is acceptable in relationships - and ultimately, that's the bottom line. Actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what the other person does or doesn't do. You can't control that. But you CAN control the behaviors and values you demonstrate for your children."

Source: http://www.9news.com/news/dad-fires-back-after-critics-slam-viral-facebook-post-on-divorce/447045507

Father’s Day: 8 Ways To Cope If You Won’t Be With Your Children This Year

For every parent, spending special occasions with your children is important, but what happens when you aren’t able to be with your kids on those days?

While everyone will tell you that it is just a date devised by Hallmark, going through Father’s Day alone is tough for many men. Especially if it is as a result of a separation or divorce.

Cathy Ranson, editor of ChannelMum, told HuffPost UK: “Being apart from your children on such a special day is a tough one, but remember it’s only one day. Being a father is a lifetime of work, so this 24 hours shouldn’t overshadow all the rest of your good times together.”
 
Whether you know in advance or it is sprung on you at the last minute, you still need ways to cope, so here are eight ways to get yourself through that day.

1. Be honest about your expectations (with notice).

If the reason that you can’t see your children is because they are with your ex-partner, then be honest about the fact you’d like to spend time with them, before Father’s Day arrives, not on the day.Relate relationship counsellor, Dee Holmes said: “Be honest. If you can, try to be honest about what you’d like to do on Father’s Day. If you want to change arrangements so that you have the children when you wouldn’t usually, make sure you talk openly to your ex and give plenty of notice.”

2. Check if you can speak to them.

If you’ve already reached the point where you know there is no room for negotiation and you’ll definitely not be seeing them face-to-face on the day, ask if you could fit a phone call in around their plans.

Ranson, said: “Arrange to skype, facetime or call the kids on Father’s Day. Why not read them a bedtime story?”

3. But do not wait for the phone to ring.

Regardless of the plans you have made with your ex, the one thing you have to avoid is sitting around at home waiting for the phone to ring - not only will you resent your partner (and possibly the children), but you’ll upset yourself.

Holmes said: “It might be tempting if you aren’t able to spend Father’s Day with your children to wait and see if they make the effort to call you but if you want to speak to them, don’t be afraid to make the first step.”

4. Go and do something for yourself.

Once it has been confirmed that there is no chance you’ll be able to see them, don’t be afraid to go ahead and make your own plans, that don’t involve the children. There is nothing to be gained by sitting, waiting at home torturing yourself.


Holmes said: “Plan something for yourself. Regardless of whether you have the kids or not, plan a little treat for yourself on or around Father’s Day – just going for a drink with a friend can give you a lift.”

5. Go and see your own father.

For some people this isn’t an option, but for those who still have their father, seeing your dad is a great way to spend the day, and re-focus your energy on your family who are around (even if you are feeling fragile).

“Get out and do something fun with your own dad this Father’s Day. Just because your children aren’t around to celebrate with you, you can still take your own dad for lunch, a pint or for a walk,” said Ranson.

6. Pick a different day to celebrate.
The best part about Father’s Day is that it is just a date, a date created by other people, so why not make your own special day? Perhaps the weekend before or weekend after? Then you can still do everything you wanted to do on the day.

Ranson, said: “Just because the calendar nominates a day doesn’t mean you have to celebrate it that day. A week or two late is perfectly fine!”

7. Avoid social media.

Social media is the ultimate device for self-torture - whether it’s looking at an ex and their new partner, or a party you weren’t invited to - no one wants other people’s smug statuses and photos rubbed in their face. Especially when it’s something that tugs at the heart strings. 

“If you’re feeling glum avoid social media for the day. Smiling family faces is likely to just be annoying,” said Ranson.

8. Don’t take it out on your children.

No matter what ends up happening on the day (whether you see them or just get 30 seconds on the phone), bear in mind that it isn’t your child’s fault that you aren’t together. This is a situation between adults, and you shouldn’t guilt trip them into spending time with you.

Holmes said: “Keep in mind that you are the adult and as hard as it may be spending Father’s Day alone, the children didn’t choose the situation and may not always know how to act or deal with it.”


Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/fathers-day-how-to-cope-without-your-children_uk_593e96f6e4b0c5a35ca13a1a?utm_hp_ref=uk-divorce