In conversations with my therapist, my friends and loved ones, uncertainty comes up often. How will I meet Mr. Right? How, when and where will I find my dream job or land my first client? When will I or how do I start to lose weight? Uncertainty in life often feels like the greatest hurdle to our happiness, but it is actually a huge blessing, we just need a better understanding of its nature and how to move through it. Here are some lessons I have learned about our elusive friend, uncertainty:
Lesson One: No Uncertainty = Boring Life
I know it seems brutally wrong and insensitive. Why can’t I just have a road map that shows me exactly which Starbucks location I need to buy a latte from to meet my future husband? Why can’t someone tell me where I will get my next job opportunity, and if I will get the pay raise I’ve been fighting for?
All these things that cause you angst because you just don’t know the when, where and how of it all are the crux of living. I mean, truly living. Imagine if you had a road map that detailed everything that would happen to you from now until the day you die? How boring! Not only would there be no excitement (and fear and anticipation) in the unfolding of your future, you wouldn’t get the awesome right to shape your destiny as new information and realizations come into your existence; allowing your destiny to remain fluid as you evolve and grow.
You don’t need to love the angst of uncertainty, but the fear and anxiety do not have to stop you from going after what you want in life. Recognize that those emotions are there, take a deep breath, and go for it anyway! Begin to contemplate that the butterflies in your stomach are more than just discomfort — they are life’s way of telling you something exciting and unpredictable is unfolding. Without it, there would be very little to look forward to. If we can begin to embrace it just a little, our life can take on a whole new meaning.
Lesson Two: Temporary setbacks often arrive hand in hand with uncertainty, but success is around the corner (if you refuse to give up)
How often have you heard someone say that getting fired turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to them? At the time, they probably had tremendous anxiety about the situation, yet suddenly out of a really tough situation many of their dreams were borne.
At a recent concert I attended where Aloe Blacc performed, he mentioned that his journey to becoming a successful performer started with the end of a job. He also talked about meeting Dr. Dre for the first time. Dr. Dre didn’t shower him with compliments — he told him his music was good, but he thought Aloe could do better. While I am sure that must have stung a bit, it also forced Aloe to go back to his craft. Arising from ideas that had been simmering in his head for years, Aloe created his hit song “The Man” which was eventually featured in a commercial for Beats by Dre.
You may think life is being tough on you (and only you), and sometimes it is (yet you are not alone), but it will always allow you the opportunity to take something valuable away from the experience. Challenges are there to test your metal, to give you the chance to go back to the drawing board, and dig deeper inside of yourself for something that is truly amazing. Everyone who pursues a dream will encounter challenges before bringing that dream to fruition.
In his book Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill states that: “Before success comes to most people, they are sure to meet with much temporary defeat, and perhaps some failure. When faced with defeat the easiest and most logical thing to do is to quit. That is exactly what the majority of people do. More than 500 of the most successful people America has ever known told the author their greatest success came just one step beyond the point at which defeat had overtaken them.”
Lesson Three: You have to know what you want (Plus it’s fun to imagine what you want in life)
As Paul Arden said in his book It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be, “Your vision of where or who you want to be is the greatest asset you have. Without having a goal, it’s difficult to score.” For example, you are dreaming of leaving your boring job in the cubicle doldrums. One day you are complaining of the job you despise, and someone asks you what your dream job is — but you can’t answer the question!
You need to spend more time thinking about your innate talents and desires, that little voice inside that is screaming at you to do something that will make your heart sing. I always heard people say “do what you love” and “what you would do for free.” Yet having listened to that, it has taken me a long time to figure out what that thing was. I finally discovered it was writing and communications. I have been writing since I was a tween and I am in my mid-30s now! Last year alone, I hated my job, and I kept getting all these little freelance opportunities that involved writing and communications. I would ask myself the question, “Hmmmm... I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me?” Long story short, I finally figured it out — the thing I loved was writing. The universe had smacked me upside the head with a few two by fours, and I finally got the message.
Get a journal and write down what you want in a life partner, a career and life in general. Create a vision board with all the fun images of what you want your life to look like, now and in the future. Spend more time in your imagination, picturing all the awesome things that would happen in your life (if reality didn’t seem to be in the way). Maybe, just maybe, reality will start to adjust to accommodate your desires. It has for me!
Lesson Four: You have to remain open and have faith in your dreams (and yes, it usually takes longer and is bumpier than you expect)
In his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford, Steve Jobs said, “Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith.” This is from a guy who is revered and changed the world as we know it. He was specifically referring to when he had been fired from Apple, the company he founded. He was devastated and debated leaving Silicon Valley. But somehow he found a way to forge ahead, doing something he loved, and well, the rest is history.
We have everything worked out, but when it doesn’t work out how we planned, the voices in our head go crazy — I was supposed to be working by now. I was supposed to be further along in my career by this age. This is something I should have done in my 20s. I am too old to reinvent myself. Who is going to want to date me at this age, with this disease, with children, with a divorce, with this set of couch cushions?! Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
I’m telling you, if life pushes you then it is just begging you to push it back. It has something great in store for you if you just refuse to give up and keep true to the vision of what you want your life to be. Life is not easy for anyone, but the people that have “made it” are those that forged through the rough and murky waters of life. Remember the stories of Aloe Blacc and Steve Jobs — they struggled through numerous challenges before succeeding. Even Winston Churchill’s defining moment occurred in his mid-60s during World War II. You never know when a turning point in your life will occur, but you must have faith, you must know what you want, and you cannot give up. And yes, you may feel like giving up, have a bad day, or hide out until you figure out what your next move is. Let it flow, and let it go!
Transition and discovery is the marrow of life. It is overwhelming, sometimes exhausting, and often exhilarating; without it we are bored, predictable, listless and underwhelmed. In the words of Ayn Rand inThe Voice of Reason, “Don’t ever give up what you want in life. The struggle is worth it.”
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-martin/life-is-uncertain-but-the_b_5710797.html
Will I have a job in six months? Will we have enough money? What if my new boss and I don’t get along? Dealing with the uncertainties of life causes stress and anxiety—and there’s a lot of uncertainty in the air right now. With the recent election, regardless of which candidate you voted for, our stress is at an all time high. A recent study conducted by the APA found that 52 percent of Americans reported mild to significant stress as a result of the 2016 election.
When it comes to change, we may not always be able to control the outcome, but we can control our response to it. And that’s resilience. It gives you the tools to bounce back from tough situations and thrive in the face of challenges. Here are five keys to dealing with uncertainty:
1. Let Go
The first step to dealing with uncertainty is to accept that we can’t control everything. This is where Iceberg beliefs—those big, bone deep assumptions we have about the way the world works—come into play. If you have an Iceberg Belief such as, “I should never be uncertain” or “Everything must always stay the same,” then uncertainty can be especially challenging. Tom Corboy, licensed therapist and author of The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD, suggests replacing these beliefs with one that is more open-minded and realistic, such as “uncertainty is less than ideal, but it is acceptable and tolerable.”
Recognize that there is only so much you can do right now—and that makes you human, not powerless. Things will unfold soon enough. In the meantime, the way you treat yourself is in your control, so be kind!
2. Envision the Best
We often try to spare ourselves disappointment by thinking through how things could go wrong. However, research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that people tend to overestimate the risks and negative consequences that may result from a situation. That leads to a lot of anxiety, or worse—sets us up for failure. Beginning something by worrying about the outcome can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead, try imagining the best possible scenario. Picture your surroundings and how it will feel. Not only will you feel more confident about where you’re headed, you’ll feel calmer and clearer about where you’re at now, which well help with decision-making and boost your odds of success.
3. Reflect
Remember that you’ve faced uncertainty before. The psychological concept of “hindsight bias” says that we tend to create the illusion that everything in our past was certain, when in reality, it was once uncertain. The fact that you stand here now is proof that you are strong enough to make it through. Take time to think and reflect on what helped you before. Write it down—and then read it when your worrisome thoughts start to take hold.
4. Avoid Avoidance (And Keep Moving!)
A little uncertainty can be healthy. It activates the sympathetic nervous system—our “fight or flight” response—which gives us a jolt of energy and mobilizes us to take action.
When this response makes us too anxious, however, it can have the opposite effect and be paralyzing. If you know that you tend to avoid dealing with the future, remind yourself that although dealing with uncertainty is hard, there are consequences for not facing it head on.
5. See the Possibility
A blank slate ahead means that there’s nothing written on it yet. And while that may appear daunting, think of it this way: You are standing on the threshold of possibility. Remember why you made this shift in the first place and be proud of yourself for making a move—no matter how it turns out.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mequilibrium/5-ways-to-handle-uncertai_b_13326476.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
Mental health has always been a bit of a taboo subject as it has in the past been associated with being crazy or needing to be locked away in a padded cell. However, the truth is that mental health is just another way of saying “emotional health” or “well-being”.
It affects all of us during our lives as every time we go through a tough or challenging time, suffer a trauma, or endure a stressful situation, our mental health is affected. Common side effects of these difficult times will be feeling sad, anxious, scared or frightened. Some people can cope better than others and bounce back after a short period of time. However, for others it goes deeper and takes longer to recover, or they may become stuck with the negative emotions taking a strong hold over their life.
It is refreshing to hear Prince Harry and Prince William talk openly about their own mental health issues that have plagued them over the last 20 years, since the death of their mother. They are well respected young role models and are demonstrating that this can happen to anyone, no matter who you are.
Divorce is often referred to as the second most traumatic life experience after death of a loved one. It can rock the strongest of people to the core and turn your whole life upside down. So, it is hardly surprising that it can lead to mental health issues if the negative emotions and sudden challenges you find yourself having to cope with are not dealt with properly.
There are so many issues that will occupy your mind during a break-up including:
Heartbreak - the pain of losing a loved one and the fear of never being loved again
Betrayal - the broken promises
Conflict - the arguments over the split, money and children
Legal - learning how to work with a lawyer and deal with the huge amount of paperwork
Uncertainty - not knowing your financial situation, where you will be living, lifestyle changes
Negative emotions - sadness, depression, anxiety, stress, overwhelm are all common side effects
Parenting - learning to be a single parent, co-parenting and having to be strong when you feel weak
Career - managing a job or career when you have to make decisions, lead a team and be on form
Friends - finding out who your true friends are, disappointment as friends don’t step up to support you or difficult choices as you must let them go
These are just some of the challenges that a break-up can cause as the ripple effect of your break-up affects the whole of your life. Some people find it easier to manage stress and have a natural ability to turn things around. However, this doesn’t mean that they don’t feel the pain, they are just more able to control their emotions and keep a positive outlook.
Other people will struggle to find a light at the end of the tunnel and will become all consumed with their negative emotions. This will negatively impact on their ability to manage in other areas of their life too. It is easy to become stuck and to believe that your life will never be the same again, especially if you don’t have a good support system around you to help you find your way.
So, raising awareness of mental health issues is a great way to show people that it is ok to ask for help. You are not alone in your suffering and there are many other experiencing the same symptoms.
In fact, I created my break-up and divorce coaching programme having been through some dark times myself. The end of my relationship left me feeling alone, scared and frightened of what lay ahead. I was terrified I would never find love again or that I would never even feel happy again. My confidence and self-esteem was in tatters and I doubted my own ability to make simple decisions, yet alone the life changing ones that my lawyers were asking me to make daily. I felt my whole world was shattered and I had no idea how I would be able to piece it back together again.
But the good news is that it is possible. There are techniques and strategies you can use to help you grab back control over your life again and help you to get back on track. It’s not always easy and that’s why you take it step by step and one day at a time.
Please don’t be afraid to ask for help and it is out there and you can feel happy again. Having been there myself I understand what it means to be struggling with mental health issues, but I can also say that you can get through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can be happy again.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/divorce-can-cause-mental-_b_16140776.html
