The Stigma of Divorce

I smile as I write this as past words and comments by well-meaning friends, colleagues and acquaintances flash around in my head.

The story goes way back, when I went through my first divorce. I was only 27/28 having married at 21 and people would wonder out loud, what would become of me as a young divorcee with a child. At first these comments didn’t mean a thing to me as all I wanted at the time was out no matter what.

But by the time I realised that my second marriage was not working and that I actually had to leave to be happy, those same words of a few years before came rushing back.

This time round I was afraid, I was embarrassed and left my marriage knowing that I was now “that woman that my parents used to talk about,” you know the one who has two children from two different marriages.

If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that going through my second divorce was not a big deal, that I was strong and just got on with it. And on the surface that was very true but deep within me, I was damaged and ashamed, emotions I would cover by making fun of myself each time the topic of divorce and marriage came up.

I thought I was doing well covering my darkness until one day, after making yet another joke, a very dear friend of mine, Emma, simply looked at me and said, “You’re really going to have to get over that.”

Those few words were the ones that shook me back to myself. I began looking at why I was doing what I was doing to me and why I was carrying this whole baggage of shame and guilt around because I had two “failed” marriages.

I took it upon myself to see and understand why this had happened and accept that, no matter what my ex-husbands had done or not done, I was 100% responsible for finding myself where I was.

I began to realise that those comments made those many years ago had actually not washed over me at all but they had instead made their way deep down and taken refuge in my heart and mind.

I saw how people reacted when they got to know about my divorces and would ask, “so now what?” And the look of pity, horror and shock when after working through my pain and hurt, I would admit that yes, I would get married again.

The stigma of divorce is alive and well despite the fact that divorce is such a common occurrence that the question, “Are your parents still together,” has become as common as, 
“How are your parents?”

I don’t know why this is. I don’t know why divorce still ends up defining who you are while in reality it’s a journey, an experience you have been through - it’s not you, it’s something that happened. Just like being laid off is something that you once went through at some point in your life. It was painful, it was devastating but you moved on and got yourself another job, hopefully an even better one.

All I know is that this fear of being part of the “failed marriages” party has kept many a people in pretty terrible dyads. It has seen children grow up to ask their parents, “Why didn’t you just leave?” while others have shrunk to nothingness because they don’t want to be seen ticking the “divorced” box.

Speaking of which, I now find myself wondering why one of the options on some forms is “divorced”. If you’re divorced doesn’t that just make you single again?

Today, when someone says to me, “You’re twice divorced! WOW!” I smile and say, “Yes, I am and thank goodness for that!”

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/soila-sindiyo/the-stigma-of-divorce_1_b_5840576.html

9 negative effects divorce reportedly has on children

Divorce is hardly an exception anymore. In fact, with the rate of marriage steadily dipping over the past decade, and the divorce rate holding steady, you are likely to know more previously married couples than those who are legally bound. Accompanying this trend are multiple studies analyzing the effects that divorce has on children. And the results aren't good, even if the stigma of divorce has faded. Here, 9 negative effects divorce reportedly has on children:

1. Smoking habits

In a study published in the March 2013 edition of Public Health, researchers at the University of Toronto found that both sons and daughters of divorced families are significantly more likely to begin smoking than peers whose parents are married. In an analysis of 19,000 Americans, men whose parents divorced before they turned 18 had 48 percent higher odds of smoking than men with intact families. Women had 39 percent higher odds of picking up the habit. Lead author Esme Fuller-Thomson called the link "very disturbing."

2. Ritalin use

Dr. Strohschein, a sociologist at the University of Alberta, wanted to know what was behind the increase in children prescriptions for Ritalin over the past two decades. And so, in 2007, she analyzed data from a survey that was conducted between 1994 and 2000. In it, 5,000 children who did not use Ritalin, and were living in two-parent households, were interviewed. Over the six years, 13.2 percent of those kids experienced divorce. Of those children, 6.6 percent used Ritalin. Of the children living in intact households, 3.3 percent used Ritalin. Strohschein suggests that stress from the divorce could have altered the children's mental health, and caused a dependence on Ritalin.

3. Poor math and social skills

A 2011 study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that children of divorced parents often fall behind their classmates in math and social skills, and are more likely to suffer anxiety, stress, and low self-esteem. The reason that math skills are affected is likely because learning math is cumulative. "If I do not understand that one plus one is two," lead researcher Hyun Sik Kim says, "then I cannot understand multiplication." Kim says it is unlikely that children of divorce will be able to catch up with their peers who live in more stable families.

4. Susceptibility to sickness

In 1990, Jane Mauldon of the University of California at Berkeley found that children of divorce run a 35 percent risk of developing health problems, compared with a 26 percent risk among all children. Mauldon suggests their susceptibility to illness is likely due to "very significant stress" as their lives change dramatically. Divorce can also reduce the availability of health insurance, and may lead to a loss of certain factors that contribute to good health, including constant adult supervision and a safe environment. The risk of health problems is higher than average during the first four years after a family separation, but, curiously, can actually increase in the years following.

5. An increased likelihood of dropping out of school

A 2010 study found that more than 78 percent of children in two-parent households graduated from high school by the age of 20. However, only 60 percent of those who went through a big family change — including divorce, death, or remarriage — graduated in the same amount of time. The younger a child is during the divorce, the more he or she may be affected. Also, the more change children are forced to go through, like a divorce followed by a remarriage, the more difficulty they may have finishing school.

6. A propensity for crime

In 2009, the law firm Mishcon de Reya polled 2,000 people who had experienced divorce as a child in the preceding 20 years. And the results did not paint a positive picture of their experiences. The subjects reported witnessing aggression (42 percent), were forced to comfort an upset parent (49 percent), and had to lie for one or the other (24 percent). The outcome was one in 10 turned to crime, and 8 percent considered suicide.

7. Higher risk of stroke

In 2010, researchers from the University of Toronto found a strong link between divorce and adult risk of stroke. However, the vast majority of adults whose parents divorced did not have strokes. "Let's make sure we don't have mass panic," said lead researcher Esme Fuller-Thompson. "We don't know divorce causes stroke, we just know this association exists." She says the relationship could be due to exposure to stress, which can change a child's physiology. She also noted that the time at which these children experienced divorce was in the 1950s, when it wasn't as socially accepted as it is today.

8. Greater chance of getting divorced

University of Utah research Nicholas H. Wolfinger in 2005 released a study showing that children of divorce are more likely to divorce as adults. Despite aspiring to stable relationships, children of divorce are more likely to marry as teens, as well as marry someone who also comes from a divorced family. Wolfinger's research suggests that couples in which one spouse has divorced parents may be up to twice as likely to divorce. If both partners experienced divorce as children they are three times more likely to divorce themselves. Wolfinger said one of the reasons is that children from unstable families are more likely to marry young.

9. An early death

And rounding out the dreary research is an eight-decade study and book called The Longevity Project by Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin. Starting in 1921, researchers tracked some 1,500 boys and girls throughout their lives. More than one-third of the participants experienced either parental divorce or the death of a parent before the age of 21. But it was only the children of divorced families who died on average almost five years earlier than children whose parents did not divorce. The deaths were from causes both natural and unnatural, but men were more likely to die of accidents or violence. Generally, divorce lowered the standard of living for the children, which made a particular difference in the life longevity of women.

Source: http://theweek.com/articles/466107/9-negative-effects-divorce-reportedly-children

Re-Spinning Splitting: Why Divorce Needs A Good Publicist

No one tells you not to graduate high school or get married or have kids. No one tells you that you shouldn’t exercise, eat right, save for retirement, or pay your mortgage on time. Or that you shouldn’t learn more, read more or strive for that next rung on the ladder. No one recommends you shouldn’t keep your nose clean, stay off drugs or avoid run-ins with the law. Nope. Nobody. There’s a general consensus that most of these things are smiled upon. Or it’s all a conspiracy theory — depending on your lens.

But we’re told — covertly or overtly — not to divorce. That divorce — in all its splendorous complexity and astronomical emotional and financial expense — is to be avoided at all costs. We’re instructed to “work” on our marriages, no matter how dire they’ve become. You’ll hurt yourself, your families, and your children, you’re warned. You’ll live eternally in financial straits. Your kids will blame you. Your ex-spouse will become an ogre only found in children’s fairy tales. Your life, after divorce, will become a big, black hole of regret, frustration and sadness.

But if nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, why are we still peddling it as doom and gloom? Isn’t it time to put a different spin on it? Of the divorced ranks, I ask: Isn’t there strength in numbers? Shouldn’t divorced folks combine forces to change up the ingrained messages that still plague our society about the ending of a marriage?

Hang on. I’m not arguing for divorce. I’m no more pro-divorce than I am pro-illiteracy. But we’ve become a nation of divorce dissenters. What if we didn’t look at divorce as a failure or a train wreck? What if, instead of promising our kids a happily ever after in which their parents never, ever split, we tell them there’s always that possibility? Marriages, despite our best intentions, don’t always last, we could say, even before trouble is on the horizon. What if we didn’t greet the news of divorce as a tiny tragedy but as a near-inevitable occurrence for half our population?

I’m divorced and my heart still sinks when I hear another couple is divorcing. I know that prescribed road is bumpy and dark and scary. But when I filter out the dire messages about divorce, what’s left? Like millions of others, I’m happier and better off. Not in every way, of course, but in the way most important — my soul is at peace. My kids see their mother — not as a shadow of herself — but as authentically living and enjoying her life. Would they prefer their parents still be married? Perhaps. But that’s because they’re also victims of a society which tells them divorce is bad and sad — that their family is busted.

We need to start managing expectations around here. Just twenty years ago, the idea of legal marriage for our gay friends was anathema to most folks. Even those who supported gay rights may have looked at it as a blue sky dream. But many have come around to accepting it as an inevitability and a human right. Yes, the spin has spun in a different direction. The numbers supported a change in the tide; the need to redefine an antiquated way of looking at what makes a family.

But woe is the gay couple who marries and, yikes, then chooses to divorce. Because, when you divorce, you break up a family. Right? See how readily you nod? But, stay with me here, maybe that’s not how we market it. What if, as a divorced nation, we accepted divorced families, not as broken, but as, well, simply divorced. Without labels attached. Or sympathy. Or blame.

Are there a tiny percentage of folks who live happily and passionately in 50-year marriages? Yes, of course. But many more of us choose to stay in meh marriages. Huge numbers of us get divorced. We’re half the norm. Our stories — and our families — are in desperate need of healthy redefinition.

So, I’ll begin by modeling the change I’d like to see in redefining divorce with a message to my kids: Boys, your family is not broken and neither are you. Your parents got divorced. You’re loved now as you have always been by the very same people. You carry no stigma. When you marry, please choose your spouses with eyes wide open. Know that, if you’re lucky, lust and love will overlap on a good day. Manage your expectations when it comes to the routine of married life. Understand that relationships have ups and downs. But when those downs continue for years on end, know that’s not the way you’re intended to live. I didn’t bring you into this world so you could live unhappily. Or with heavy, dissatisfied hearts. If you divorce, do so fairly, kindly and respectfully. Be a model for successful, divorced families without shame or guilt.

It’s time.

Source: http://abbyrodman.com/re-spinning-splitting-divorce-needs-good-publicist/?platform=hootsuite

The Divorcée Stigma That’s Alive and Well

The divorcée. What a retro term, don’t you think? It conjures a sexy little ex-missus in cocktail dress and kitten heels, presumed to be on the prowl for another woman’s husband.

While the stigma of being a divorced woman is nothing like it was in the ‘60s or ‘70s, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking the stigma has disappeared. You’re viewed as a failure. You may view yourself as a failure. You’ve got wounds to heal and possibly, things to prove.
The way out of this particular bind, it would seem, is via remarriage. And if you haven’t somehow compensated for divorce by walking down the aisle a second time, you’re regarded with suspicion, pity, or at the very least — bewilderment.

The verdict is this: you’re unattractive, mean-spirited, ungenerous in bed, a helicopter parent. Then again, maybe your baggage includes the crazy ex and more drama than you’re worth.

The bottom line is — you’re no longer good enough. You’re out of the (marriage) club, and you can’t get back in.

In “Divorce Makes You a Bad Person... Again,” Laurie Essig, PhD writes:

Despite [the] trend toward a more familial and friendly divorce, divorce is increasingly seen as a sign of bad parenting and psychological failure among many Americans, especially educated and upper-middle class Americans... for educated Americans the divorce rate is steadily declining and coming with more and more social stigma attached... divorce has become a source of shame, a mark of failure, a sign that you just aren’t working hard enough, or worse, are so incredibly selfish as to not consider the children’s needs.

Ouch.

But in my experience, true.

Even a dozen years after the stamp on my decree, divorcée discrimination is the gift that keeps on giving. Try this on for size — a comment in conversation from a married friend, in which I mentioned the challenges of earning a living, being a solo parent, and maintaining an ongoing relationship. My words elicited the following response:

“Maybe you aren’t cut out for marriage.”

Ouch again!

That was quite the slap in the face, though I doubt she intended the remark to hurt as it did. Her comment was based on assumptions and ignorance: there must be something wrong with those of us that haven’t been “chosen” a second time, there must be something lacking in us if we couldn’t sustain our previous marriage, and marriage (in many circles) is still the measure of a woman’s success in life.

There are other ways the stigma plays out. For example, the persistent question of marital status at social gatherings. Asking if you’re single may be informational or accusatory. In the latter case, it’s hard not feel as though you’re subject to scrutiny, as if you missed the memo on the timeframe post-divorce for emotional readiness to date and explore sexually, number of lovers and months before risking a first real relationship, tips to avoid the pitfalls of the rebound relationship, and then proceeding into more serious territory.

That serious territory?

Remarriage, of course — embracing the institution that tossed you out, or that you (foolishly) walked away from. After all, once remarried, you will no longer threaten or confuse with your single woman status.

Another example occurred just this morning. I ran into an acquaintance of 15 years, and she poses the same question every time I see her. Without fail she asks: “Did you get remarried yet?” And on cue, I smile, shake my head, and firmly say no. But today she added: “I thought you were seeing a nice man. Why don’t you marry him and let him take care of you?”

There’s another assumption that plagues both sexes — the knight in shining armor who will ride in to the rescue, who will fix the female finances, solve outstanding family problems, and restore the Missus crown to boot. But isn’t the White Knight Syndrome part of the flawed fairy tale of marriage in the first place?

Personally, I’m tired of being sized up, packaged up, or sliced up and diced up — and usually, by other women. I’m tired of being considered a failure because I’m divorced, and whatever the reasons, remain unmarried. That I’m not anxious to institutionalize romance, sexuality, intimacy, or playfulness seems logical enough to me — until or unless I explicitly choose to do so.

What’s so hard to understand? Not jumping into the marriage arena doesn’t equate to not being capable of committed, responsible, and loving relationships.

I suppose I ought to look on the bright side of reactions to my long-term post-marital singleness. The fact that anyone would ask why I’m not remarried could be viewed as a compliment of sorts. But I’m never invited into circles that were once an integral part of my life, and only rarely invited into anything that involves couples. More likely, the discomfort that I sense is a matter of fear... fear of being alone, fear of being abandoned, fear of being financially at risk, fear of being cut off from a world that is familiar.

The real stigma stems from fear of contagion: “If it could happen to her it could happen to me.” That stigma is alive and well, even after all these years.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/d-a-wolf/the-divorcee-stigma-it-st_b_4039529.html

Divorce in China

Divorce has been around since ancient times. But, until recently divorce rates were stronger in the Unitied States and the developed world than elsewhere.

With China in the news, we thought we'd look at divorce in this rapidly developing country.
Here are the two questions that come to mind.

Have Chinese divorce rates increased in the last decade or two?

And, if so, why are divorce rates increasing?

Divorce in China:

Divorce is on the rise in China. So much so, that it’s a topic of increasing government concern, prompting China’s Ministry of Civil Affairs to go to great lengths in order to prevent the growing number of dysfunctional marriages.

In Beijing, professionals called “marriage doctors” are being recruited to save troubled marriages; their job requires them to intervene in a relationship as soon as warning signals start to show. Plus, there are a growing number of marriage classes available for couples to learn how to keep their marriage together and work through their problems.

In Shanghai, the Ministry of Civil Affairs launched a project called the Family Harmony Project in March 2013, a nonprofit devoted to training marriage doctors and counselors to help failing marriages and maintain stable ones.

Additional means of counseling are also available, including websites and a 24-hour hotline that provide advice for people with marital issues, as well as services “aimed at protecting the legal rights of divorcing couples.”

Let’s look at the facts.

China’s divorce rate has been steadily on the rise for over twenty years. For instance, a chart released by the government shows the divorce rate, as well as number of marriages and divorces in China from 1985 to 1997.


According to official goverment data, there's been a doubling of the divorce rate from 1985 to 1987. That is a tremedous uptick in a very short period of time.

For more up to date information, The International Business Times (2-27-13) recently reported that China’s divorce rate has risen each year for the past seven years. According to ChinaDaily.com (3-7-13), nearly 2 million couples divorced in 2009. While in 2011, 2.87 million couples divorced - a significant increase.

5 Reasons for China's Skyrocketing Divorce Rate

Accessibility: The process for getting a divorce has progressively become easier.
In 1950, China passed its first marriage law and banned arranged marriages, concubines and child betrothal. It also started to allow divorce but on the grounds that the couple could only get divorced if “meditation and counseling” failed.

In 1981, China initiated another law, which stated that a couple could get divorced if one party was found guilty of having an affair, if there was evidence of domestic violence, if one party had a drug or gambling addiction, or if there was “complete alienation of mutual affection” by one party. As a result, the scope for Chinese getting divorces widened. The most recent development in 2001 got rid of the requirement that couples wanting to get a divorce had to get employer approval in order to do so.

Money: There are many ways that money factors into an increased divorce rate.
Everyone wants to save money, and couples in China are no exception. Many fake marriages occur because of the appealing property incentives offered to married couples. These fake marriages often end in divorce. In addition, because of the rising price of housing, many couples see the economic benefits of getting married and moving in together in order to save money. However, since the benefits of living together are probably the factor that is driving the marriage as opposed to mutual love and feeling towards each other, these marriages are also likely to end in divorce.

A New Mindset: Younger people feel less committed to traditional marriage than their parents.

The generation of couples getting married is mostly people born in the 1980s. This cohort has been called the “me” generation, so called because they're considered spoiled, only children born under the one-child policy, enacted in 1979.

In an NPR article, titled “‘Lightning Divorces’ Strike China’s ‘Me Generation,’” a woman named Cheng comments:

“Marriage requires forgiveness, understanding, tolerance and compromise. Yet we post-'80s generation neglect this entirely. No one will compromise. We just argue.”

This younger generation, though seen as spoiled, is also more independent, with a stronger sense of self, which tends to put strains on marriages. But there’s also an upside to this independence: young Chinese are taking charge of their own lives and making independent decisions.

They are embracing their autonomy by daring to fall in love, as well as prioritizing their needs in a relationship and daring to get divorced if they are not happy in a relationship.
The Advance of Women: The empowerment of women, both socially and economically provides more choices in an unhappy marriage. This is true in the developed world and is increasingly true in emerging powerhouses like China.

For men, it has always been easier to get a divorce. But, historically, divorced women were considered disgraceful; they were called “po xie,” which literally means “worn shoe,” which refers to the fact that, as they were no longer virgins, they were old and used.
To paraphrase a social commentator named Bob Dylan: times, they are a' changing.
Nowadays, the stigma against divorce has decreased exponentially, and women who get divorces are even seen as independent and able to take control of their own lives, unlike the traditionally stereotypical image of Chinese women as submissive and passive.
In a CNN article, Victor Lee, a film producer, in reference to the fact that in Chinese media, there are more female characters who get divorces and are involved in love triangles, praised the “economically empowered women dumping their immoral husbands.”
Infidelity: Loyalty remains an important reason to remain together.
Despite these many factors, however, the leading cause for most divorces in China is said to be extramarital affairs, leaving us to question: is independence among Chinese individuals starting to overpower fidelity in the traditional institution of marriage?

Conclusion:

China is an emerging power. And, marriage appears to be changing as well.
While the Western world has been open to divorce for some time, China appears to be "catching up.” There are many possible reasons, like the tendency to marry for housing benefits and the like. But, we wonder whether the Western values of individualism and women’s empowerment don’t have a role as well.

The question we are left to wonder is whether or not this increase in divorce rate is a positive or a negative change for China. On one hand, it shows the growing sense of empowerment and independence among women in China and among the youth in general, but on the other hand, it is also prompting unhealthy and materialistic relationships, as shown by the lightning marriages as well as the couples that have gotten married for property incentives.

In becoming more like the rest of the world, is China changing for the better or for the worse?

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201306/divorce-in-china