I recently viewed the 2013 comedy, “A.C.O.D,” starring Adam Scott, Clark Duke, Richard Jenkins, and Catherine O’Hara. “A.C.O.D” showcases a serious storyline in a comedic light, while addressing the psychological impact divorce can have on adult children. While I can’t speak to such an experience firsthand, I was intrigued by the subject matter. Even though they’re no longer kids, adult children may still carry the weight of divorce and unresolved childhood issues on their shoulders.
Maybe such effects manifest in their romantic relationships. They may be wary of long-term commitment. Maybe they encounter heightened stress when they’re sifting through their parents’ leftover anger and resentment, still feeling as if they have to choose sides.
Jenny Kutner’s 2015 article, featured on Mic.com, relays the perspective of the ACOD.
“Unlike a child, who is usually an innocent bystander during the end of their parents’ relationship, ACODs are, more often than not, active participants; they’re placed in the awkward position of having to provide emotional support for one or both of their parents.”
Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime, advocates that regardless of age, a child of divorce will always be considered a child of divorce and sensitivities need to align accordingly.
“Your children are still your children, even if they are 30 years old,” Emory stated in the article. “Information should be shared only on a ‘need to know basis,’ and children of any age don’t need to know much. It isn’t a child’s job to help the family heal. It’s a parent’s job.”
While it’s natural to presume that adults are more equipped to handle the aftermath of divorce, it doesn’t necessarily diminish their challenges.
In a 2013 interview with Redeye, Adam Scott shares his thoughts on divorce’s influence in today’s society, particularly noting how divorce will affect children as they continue to age.
“A lot of us grew up with divorce, and so I see people making much more measured decisions about marriage and children and stuff like that, just because we’ve seen how the generation before us got started a lot earlier with marriage, family and all of that. Just because culturally it was the norm. They saw it backfire for some people, so I think the difference behaviorally and culturally is people are waiting a lot longer now.”
And if ACODs are struggling with familial loss, if they are lugging heavy baggage from divorce, it’s not a total lost cause. By fostering a greater sense of understanding and awareness, confrontation can occur. If need be, those pertinent emotional struggles can be conquered, whether it’s on their own or with the guidance of a professional.
“A.C.O.D” ignites a dialogue, one that isn’t as prevalent when it comes to discussions regarding divorce. Adult children of divorce face their own set of obstacles; however, they of course have the ability to confront and transcend its impact.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/07/the-psychological-impact-of-divorce-on-adult-children/
Divorce is one of the realities of modern family life, but that doesn't mean that it's easy to handle. Other than a death or serious illness, news of the impending divorce of a child is probably the most devastating blow that a parent can receive, especially if there are grandchildren involved. If you’ve been on the receiving end of such news, you’ve probably experienced a wide range of emotions. These 5 emotional reactions are fairly standard for those in the situation of being a parent of a divorcing child.
Grief for Failed Dreams and Relationships
When a child divorces, a relationship dies, and their parents will typically grieve for that relationship. Your child will probably still have a relationship with the ex-spouse, but it will not be the loving and satisfying relationship that everyone hoped for when the couple married. Even if you had early doubts about the relationship, you undoubtedly hoped that your doubts would be proved false. That hope dies with the news of a divorce.
On the other hand, if you have a close and loving relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law, you are facing the potential loss of that relationship. Grief is a natural reaction to these circumstances, and you must allow yourself to go through the grieving process.
Guilt About Your Own Role
Most parents of a divorcing child have experienced trying to steer children out of a relationship that they think will not turn out well, and most have found it an exercise in futility.
Even though adult children are responsible for their own decisions, parents will almost certainly question themselves about whether they could have done something to avert this family disaster. If the parents of the divorcing child have been divorced or have had troubled relationships in their own pasts, perhaps they will feel that somehow they negatively affected their child's ability to sustain a marital relationship.
You should not allow yourself to fall into the trap of feeling guilty about the failure of your child's relationships. It’s impossible to go back and test what might have happened if things had been done differently, so feelings of guilt are non-productive and should be avoided whenever possible.
Divided Loyalties
It is very common to feel torn between your feelings for the divorcing parties, even though one is your own child. Parents know very well that their children have faults, and clear-eyed parents will recognize that their own child must bear some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. If you had developed a close relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law, you may even feel that your own child is largely at fault. On the other hand, some parents turn all of their sorrow and anger against the daughter- or son-in-law.
However you may feel that the blame should be portioned out, it is important to recognize two things. First, it is impossible to determine what really goes on between two people in a marriage. Second, it is not your role to determine blame. Try to steer your energies in more positive directions, such as spending quality time with your child and grandchildren during this difficult period.
Worries About What the Future May Hold
Uncertainty about the future almost always engenders worry. Suddenly, nothing in the future of your child and grandchildren seems secure. A divorce can impact employment, emotional stability, geographic location, and a host of other factors. You need to focus on what is constant: your love for your child and grandchildren. The classic advice to focus on the things one cannot change and accept the things one cannot change is certainly good advice in this situation. Those who believe in a higher power may find some solace in thinking of the future as being in the hands of that higher power.
Fear of Losing Touch With Grandchildren
Closely akin to worry, fear is also a natural reaction to a divorce in the family. One of the major fears of those in this situation is a loss of access to their grandchildren, especially if custody seems likely to go to the parent who is not their child.
This is not an unreasonable fear, as statistics show that many grandparents lose contact with grandchildren after a divorce. This is one area, however, in which you can take some meaningful action. Although you certainly cannot ensure a continuing relationship with your grandchildren, you can take steps to make it more likely, such as avoiding blame and staying as neutral as possible.
Other Grandparent Stresses
Stress in the grandparenting role is not uncommon in this situation. Grandparenting is not always easy or fun and many grandparents face major challenges in their grandparent roles. Long-distance grandparents experience significant emotional effects, as do the grandparents of grandchildren with special needs.
Grandparents who are dealing with the divorce of a child should seek assistance if their sadness becomes overwhelming, especially if it is preventing a normal life. Seeking counseling or joining a support group may be helpful. It's crucial that you take care of yourself so that you can help your children and grandchildren through this difficult time.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/emotions-when-your-child-divorces-1695755
"Just be glad you didn't have kids," was the frequent response I received to the news of my divorce.
And I was glad. I didn't have to face telling children about the upsetting and significant changes to their lives. I never had to navigate the uncertain waters of establishing a co-parenting relationship or deal with the negotiations over child support. And I didn't have to watch my hypothetical children suffer, something I can't even imagine.
I have the utmost respect for those who manage divorce with dignity and courage for their children. For those that set aside the animosity for the ex and focus instead on being the best for the children. For those that bravely tackle unbelievably high obstacles so that their children can thrive. That's a hard divorce.
And so is divorce without kids. These are the particular struggles that those without children face:
Your Pain is Downplayed
Even though I agreed with those that commented about my not having children, I still felt in the moment like it was dismissive of my pain. The lack of children makes divorce easier. Not easy. Because of the complications and additional stressors that children bring to divorce, those without kids often feel unwelcome in support groups and unable to share their pain without a fear of it being shrugged off.
Your Motivation Isn't Ready-Made
When you have children, being a parent is often a central purpose of your life and their well-being is a significant motivator after divorce to get your life together. When you're married and child free, you identify primarily as a husband or wife. And then that's wiped out with a signature on a page. It can be a struggle for many without children to find their purpose and their motivation after a divorce.
It Can Be Isolating
Whenever I visit my neighborhood pool, I'm reminded how much children bring their parents together with other parents. Most of the adults all know each other through swim team, shared classes and play dates. After a certain age, the child free aren't included in many of these recurring social situations. And when divorce happens, this isolation can be extreme, especially when the split extends into the couple's friend group.
Loss of Family Memories
When my parents divorced, my mother and I worked to both retain family memories and to cultivate new ones. When I lost my husband, I lost sixteen years of memories that only he and I shared. And there was no one else to create them with. Children provide sort of a continuation of the marriage. Without children, it can sometimes feel as though there is no proof that the relationship ever occurred.
Fear of Time Running Out
Some people are child free at the time of the divorce because they decided not to have children. And others found that their marriage ended before the desired children were born. For those men and women, a childless divorce is especially painful because it brings with it the fear that time will run out for them to create the family they want.
Even with its particular struggles, divorcing without children gives you a unique freedom rarely found in adulthood. You can relocate. Reinvent. Go on dates every night. Fall in love with somebody else and maybe even somebody else's children. Or stay single forever and commit your life to some other cause. You have no limits. No restrictions.
Acknowledge your struggles while at the same time expressing gratitude that they were your struggles alone and that no children were harmed in the making of this divorce.
Source: https://news.divorceforce.com/the-particular-struggles-of-divorcing-without-kids-by-lisa-arends-1904763434.html
