I’ve learned that it’s often our inability to effectively deal with that change that creates the biggest barrier to our success. As we head into a new year, full of promise, hope and anticipation, it’s as good a time as any to look at how we deal with change so that we can get ready to live our potential in 2017.
Kick the Habit
The key to making change work is understanding it. In his wonderful book; “The Power of Habit”, Charles Duhigg explains that habit accounts of much of what we do every day and when we understand how a habit is created, we have a better chance of creating a routine or behaviour that can help us to make a change successfully. Habits are made up of three parts;
Cue
Routine/Behaviour
Reward
Once we understand what triggers a habit (the cue) and the reward we get from doing it, we can get to work on the routine that we use to achieve that reward. So for example, if, like me, one of the changes you want to make is to be more productive, and you find that one of the blockers to being productive is the amount of time you spend on social media, you can look at what the trigger is for you to go on social media: Is it because you are bored? Does something pop into your head and you want to find out about it now? Learning what triggers your behaviour helps because in recognising the trigger, you can see the point at which you subconsciously make the decision to follow that behaviour. This gives you the power to come off auto pilot and change that decision to create a better behaviour or routine that will create the same reward. For example;
“I’m bored, is there something else (more productive) that I can do now, other than get lost on social media? or
“Oh, I wonder what X is doing now? I’ll spend another twenty minutes on this, set a reminder on my phone, and then I’ll find out”. The reward remains the same, but the behaviour changes, thus achieving the reward. Choosing the right decision and doing it consistently helps it to develop into a habit. As with everything, people are different, so while this is a useful framework, it’s vital to spend the time to figure out what the triggers and rewards are for you so you can formulate your personal plan of action for success.
Challenge the Resistance
A key factor in making change work for you is knowing what to expect. Resistance can be a key blocker to change and it comes from you. It’ll say things like: “You know you’ll never be able to do this right?” "This has never worked before...what makes you think it’ll work now?” Resistance draws on the self limiting beliefs that hide away in your subconscious, ready to show up any time the status quo is being challenged. Its main goal is usually to hold you back. It can manifest itself very strongly, in the form of stress, anxiety or physical ailments such as headaches or digestive problems, so you need to be careful of it. The trick here is to know it, understand it and label it. For me, resistance comes in the form of backache and neck ache, leading to headaches. It cleverly piggybacks on an existing condition that I have with my neck/back so it’s almost like a Trojan horse sneaking past the gate keeper! Recognising your “trojan horse” is the first step to being able to manage it. Whether it’s a physical, mental or emotional ailment, be mindful of it and see it for what it is; a tactic to keep you right where you are; in your comfort zone, afraid to change, powerless to thrive. Once you recognise your resistance, acknowledge it, question it and use your defence tactics to counteract it. In my case, when I see resistance show up, I ask myself questions like
“What am I afraid of?”
“Why am I feeling this way?” or
“How is it serving me to resist like this?” I effectively tackle the resistance head on so there is no ambiguity about the changes I am trying to make. I also make an effort to be extra kind to myself because I’ve noticed in the past that when I haven’t succeeded in making the changes I wanted, I am hard on myself. This is counter productive. I take the time to do things that empower me, particularly to prevent back and neck ache from taking hold. These might include using essential oils, regular meditation or getting out for a walk in nature. It’s my way of saying;
“Resistance, I know you’re there, but this change is good for me. I need this. I have to say “no” to you so I can keep moving forward” For good measure, it’s always useful to throw in some positive self talk to really drive it home:
“I believe in me”
“I am confident, strong and determined” Positive Self Talk will negate those deep-rooted beliefs that regularly whisper in the back of your mind when the going gets tough; “You’re not good enough” “You don’t deserve it”, “You can’t do this”
Mind your language
What many people don’t realise is that the gap that often exists between our success or failure is the language we use with both ourselves and others. If you find yourself in that unfortunate place of blaming others, complaining about why this is happening and being angry that this always happens to you...flip it by asking yourself;
“What good are you doing for yourself by complaining?” The answer is usually.....
“not much” In fact, by wallowing in this negative talk, we often feel worse than before so a great success tip is to take this energy and focus away from the negative talk and channel it to feed the positivity and grit needed to overcome the challenges of change. Think solutions;
“What do I need to do to overcome this challenge?”
“Who do I need to ask for support?” When you create the right habits, get your defences in place against resistance and use positive language to motivate and strengthen your mindset, you are well on your way to making positive change to help you thrive. But you don’t need to wait until then.... One of the most powerful things you can do to bring about change is to visualise it working well for you. When you have that positive goal or intention, fuelled with energy and focus, when you can see it clearly, the result seems within your reach and it feels like you’re thriving already. Think about the positive change you want to make. Take a few minutes out to get crystal clear on how it looks, feels, sounds, tastes, smells. Feel the moment, as if you’ve already come through change, you’re on the other side and it’s working out amazingly well. You feel calm and at peace because you’ve achieved the result you wanted to achieve. You feel success, euphoria and are satisfied in the knowledge that; Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sharon-rossignuolo/3-simple-steps-to-making-_b_13629450.html
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight-reel"
- Steve Furtick (not Quantick, as I mention in the video - sorry Steve!)
This video discusses how comparisons with others are generally unhelpful in influencing how we feel since we're not comparing like-for-like and instead only seeing things from one perspective. Learn how comparison can be avoided or used productively as we navigate divorce and life generally.
We all have experiences in life, some good, some bad. Life is hard, and things don’t always go as planned. During those moments you have a choice to make, you can either give into the circumstances or use those experiences as a life lesson and overcome them. Using those negative events make you a stronger person. Our life lessons are one of life’s most valuable teachers, they show us ourselves, teach us about life, and show us our possibilities. I learned this lesson the hard way when my family and I became homeless after Hurricane Irene. We found out the things that we thought would be crushing, losing our home, our children’s toys and belongings, our most cherished memories, were nothing more than the material objects that held proof of our existence, yet we persevered to see another day. Here are 5 ways life lessons present teaching moments to bring success into our lives.
1. Life Happens, And Tomorrow The Sun Still Rises
Whether it be tremendously adverse, such as a natural disaster, or just a casual, run of the mill scenario of picking up the kids after school, things happen, things occur. The tire goes flat, the furnace breaks down, the house catches fire, or someone dies, we can’t control everything. What we tend to do is over dramatize those specific circumstances so that they actually overshadow whatever the current situation is. For example, getting a flat tire, I’m late for work, my boss is going to be mad at me, the report’s going to be late, is all that true? In our mind it is, we actually set that up to understand and see that we won’t succeed, that life has thrown us a curve ball and we’re not sure if we can handle it. How many times has this been untrue? That sense of relief washes over you, showing that the imaginary hurdle in our way was really just a speed bump.
2. You Don’t Know Everything, So Shut Up
You can’t always be the smartest person in the room. We deal with so many different situations and circumstances, it is truly impossible to know everything about any one given subject. As a business professional early in my career, it was always important to be the most overly communicative, as well as authoritative person in the room, and you know what? It didn’t serve me long term. I had the perception that it did in my younger years, but as I reflect now, the ability to keep my mouth shut, learn, and listen are more the key factors, they are the path to enlightenment. We can’t know everything even though we may desire to, but the question is can you be intelligent enough to realize that you can and should listen.
3. Take Authority, No One Is Going To Give It To You
I don’t look to others for approval. As we drift through life, some of us a little more focused than others, we tend to use the feedback from those that surround us as our barometer as to whether or not we’re actually successful. Looking to those others for approval, whether it be in a professional world on a project, report or the KPI’s that you have for a particular job, or personally where your wife, kids, family or friends influence how you handle certain events, means that their opinions are your reality.
“Wherever there is a man who exercises authority, there is a man who resists authority” Oscar Wilde Be comfortable with your choices. If you’re looking to others to give you validation, you’re at the mercy at those others as well, lead yourself to success.
4. Waiters Want
Putting one foot in front of the other. Yeah, everybody says it, you got to take action, you got to do something, and they are right. A small step in the right direction moves you one step further. “The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step” Lao Tzu
We tend to think everything we do has to be the most perfect, relevant thing that we execute and manifest. I was a key believer of this when I launched my podcast, everything needed to be perfect. I ended up scrapping the whole thing a week before launch, redoing it all and it wasn’t perfect. I took imperfect action but I put myself out there. We must remember, the fear of failure precludes us from actually failing.
5. Small Wins Are Not Participation Trophies
Elevate every small win, knowing that success brings success. Rather than just being “celebrated” for just showing up, make sure that you feel the value in your wins. Remember the positive comment that you received on a post or project, or the negative one that gave you feedback on how to improve. That 20 likes, versus the 2,000, 20,000 or 200,000 likes, are just as important if you make an impact on the world. Small successes build incrementally over time. We must, and I do say must make sure that each one of those small successes is celebrated. We tend to forget, and focus on our failures. Move ahead and make sure that the life lessons, those things that you’ve learned, and the things that you’ve seen in your life are remembered as the teachers that show us path of who we can be. Reflection in our lives is something that shouldn’t be done once a year, if so we miss out on the opportunities those experiences bring us. Those stories that we interact with on a daily basis can be an inspiration and the groundwork for us becoming better human beings both personally and professionally. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sean-ackerman/5-ways-our-life-experiences-bring-us-happiness-and-success_b_8999384.html
University of Washington sociologists find - from biannual patterns of filings for divorce - that divorce is seasonal during the periods following winter and summer vacations. Divorce appears to peak during the times following winter and summer vacations.
Associate sociology Prof. Julie Brines and doctoral candidate Brian Serafini presented the findings at theAnnual Meeting of the American Sociological Association in Seattle, WA. The results of the research suggest that divorce filings could be driven by a "domestic ritual" calendar governing family behavior. The team found that divorce consistently peaks during the months of August and March - times that follow winter and summer holidays. Prof. Brines mentions that troubled couples may see the holidays as a time to mend relationships, and they might believe that if they have a happy Christmas or a successful camping trip, everything will be "fixed" and their lives will improve. However, in reality, those periods of the year can be both emotionally charged and stressful for many, and they may expose cracks in a marriage. The seasonal nature of divorce filings may reflect the disillusionment unhappy spouses experience when vacation time does not live up to their high expectation, the research team points out.
New school year may influence divorce month in couples with children
"People tend to face the holidays with rising expectations, despite what disappointments they might have had in years past," says Prof. Brines. "They represent periods in the year when there's the anticipation or the opportunity for a new beginning, a new start, something different, a transition into a new period of life. It's like an optimism cycle, in a sense. They're very symbolically charged moments in time for the culture," she adds. Couples may make a conscious decision to file for divorce in August, following the family vacation, and before the kids start back at school. Prof. Brines and colleagues examined the reason for the divorce spike in March. Given that March is a few months after the winter holidays, is there still a connection between divorce and vacations? Prof. Brines suggests that while considerations for divorce are the same during both peak periods - sorting finances, finding an attorney, summoning the courage to go ahead - the start of the school year may hasten decisions for couples with children in August. The divorce peak in March could also be influenced by the trend of a rise in suicides in spring. Experts also indicate that the extra daylight and increased activity during that time of year elevates mood enough to motivate people to act.
Pattern of divorce was tied to family holiday periods
Prof. Brines and Serafini were initially investigating the effects of the recession - observing rising unemployment rates and declining house values - on marital stability. While examining divorce filing throughout Washington, the team noticed monthly variations with the pattern of heightened filings emerging in March and August. "It was very robust from year to year, and very robust across counties," Prof. Brines explains. After accounting for other seasonal factors, including the housing market and unemployment, the pattern remained. The team hypothesized that if the pattern was tied to family holidays, other court actions involving families - such as guardianship rulings - should show a similar trend, which proved correct. During the recession, patterns had a slight shift, with a peak earlier and later in the year and more unpredictability in trends. Prof. Brines notes that this trend disruption is unsurprising given the uncertainty around financial considerations, such as housing values and employment. However, the pattern shift during the recession was not statistically significant. Seasonal divorce persisted in states with simpler divorce processes Two of the 39 counties in Washington were excluded - Lincoln and Wahkiakum - as they are among the few places nationwide to allow divorce to proceed via mail without a necessary court appearance. Anyone in Washington can file for divorce in Lincoln and Wahkiakum, and given the simpler divorce procedure, the researchers expected the results to be skewed by including these two counties. However, while examining Lincoln County - which has accepted divorce by mail since 2001 - they found the pattern was the same as the rest of the state, although more pronounced.
"That leads me to think that it takes some time emotionally for people to take this step. Filing for divorce, whether you do it by mail or appear in court, is a big step." Prof. Julie Brines Future research will examine if the trends noticed in Washington also apply to other states. Prof. Brines and Serafini have already analyzed data for Ohio, Minnesota, Florida, and Arizona - states that have similar laws to Washington but have different demographics and economic conditions. During the recession, Florida and Arizona were hit hard by the real estate collapse, and Ohio had above average unemployment rates. Despite those differences, the seasonal divorce peaks persisted. "What I can tell you is that the seasonal pattern of divorce filings is more or less the same," Prof. Brines concludes.
Adversity is part of life. How you overcome that adversity and rise to the challenges in your life can really start to define you as a person. For better or worse, that is something I learned early at a very early age. While some may find that tragic, I find it empowering. I am not suggesting that it has always been easy... it has just gotten easier. However, it doesn’t happen by itself. When I was a teenager, I was afraid of heights so I took a hot air balloon ride that terrified me for the first 10 minutes and was the most peaceful thing I had ever done for the remaining hour. I couldn’t stand the thought of being the kind of person who lived in fear — of anything! The more something scares me, the more apt I am to try to conquer that fear. While this approach may not be for everyone, I highly recommend it — it is actually quite freeing. The human spirit is an amazing thing. It inspires you at the strangest of times. Much like an athlete that trains regularly, with every hurdle I seemed to grow stronger. Age, wisdom, or just life experience — I grew more and more confident in my ability to overcome challenges. A series of very serious illnesses at a young age made me realize that my time here is finite and should not be wasted. If there is something I want to do or accomplish, very little can stand in my way. We always think we’ll get to it tomorrow or the next day but, the truth is, we probably won’t because life gets in the way. I adopted a “carpe diem” attitude very early on, mostly out of necessity, because I really did not know how many days I would actually get to seize and then it just became a way of life. I am so grateful for that outlook and, indirectly, for my many challenges and “hardships” because they have given me the gift of a positive attitude and the ability to live for today. My life took the path that it took... there is no changing it and I have no regrets because I am so lucky for all the gifts I have in my life. Mostly, I am lucky enough to recognize those gifts and I appreciate every moment of happiness in ways that others take for granted. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sidney-anne-stone/overcoming-challenges_1_b_5628284.html
During summer months, temperatures aren’t the only things rising. For separated and divorced parents anxiety levels can easily reach an all-time high, as summer rolls around and parenting roles get switched-up. Along with negotiating vacation schedules, figuring out who is going to pay for what and fitting in special activities, parents handling more of the day-to-day care of kids find themselves facing the prospect of being childless for an extended period of time. While seasoned switch-up veterans may secretly be counting down the days to some much-coveted alone time, first timers or those with tenuous situations may feel an overwhelming sense of dread about summer role reversal. Of course, parents aren’t the only ones fretting. Summer can also be hugely stressful for kids as they navigate between households. Even when circumstances are amiable and cooperative, just the change from school schedule to summer routine can set kids on edge. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, here are some tips for making the summer switch-up successful for everyone.
Use time to recharge
Unfortunately too many parents treat kid free time more like a dirty little secret than an opportunity to recharge. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and bypass the guilt. It’s actually okay to enjoy a break from being Mom or Dad 24/7. To avoid squandering your well-deserved break, plan ahead and consider how you can constructively use your children’s time away. To get started take 10 minutes to jot down a list of things you’d normally consider self- indulgent. You can also include things you’ve wanted to get done but haven’t gotten around to yet. Coming up short on ideas? Ask yourself.
When the last time you saw a movie you wanted to see?
What would it take to plan a weekend getaway with friends?
Is there a hobby or new experience you’ve wanted to try?
What’s something you did in the past or “pre-kids” that you might like to do again?
Instead of keeping quiet, feel free to share your summer plans with kids. Not only does it role model good self care but it also reinforces that you feel good about them spending time with the other parent. It also send a clear message that enjoying time apart is okay.
Help kids have a successful experience
Do your best to help build kid’s excitement about their summer getaway with the other parent. Spend time talking it up, making a summer calendar or maybe brainstorming ideas about ways to make it special. Consider things like:
Buying a disposable camera and a small photo album so your kids can make a memory book of their summer with the other parent.
Encouraging children to journal or keep a diary about summer events and activities.
Creating a summer collection box so kids can collect special trinkets or items to remind them of things they did (for example, a special shell from a trip at the beach or program from a summer concert they attended)
Packing special items from your home that children can use and enjoy while at the other household. (P.S. If your child’s something special is something major, like a gaming system or a new puppy, be a considerate co-parent and talk to your ex first before packing it up.)
Be creative about staying connected
Kids love mail. Instead of relying exclusively on modern day technology (i.e. phone calls, text, Skype or emails) consider writing your children letters or sending small care packages. Not only is it a great way connect but also it offers a fantastic opportunity to get your kids writing. The other added plus… some very special memories for both of you. Although you may miss your kids terribly, remember to be respectful of the other parent’s time and take a balanced approach when contacting kids over the summer. Since every situation is different, it’s best to gauge frequency and time of day on your children’s need and ages. Young children may need regular phone calls while a teen feels perfectly comfortable with texting. Whenever possible use good co-parenting etiquette and consult your ex to find out what will work best with their summer schedule.
If this is your first summer…
Keep your anxiety in check
Kids are extremely sensitive to parental stress so make sure your children’s QT with the other parent isn’t tainted with worry. No matter how sad or apprehensive you feel, remember, you are the parent. Do your best to responsibly manage your feelings and not leave children wondering if you’re going to be okay while they’re gone. If necessary, get support from trusted friend or family member to help you sort things out. It’s perfectly okay to tell your children you love them and that you will miss them. However, don’t forget to reassure them that time with the other parent is important and that you want them to enjoy it. Whether this is your first summer or your fifth, don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When time apart is constructive it can deepen everyone’s appreciation for the important people in their lives. Have a fabulous summer Source: http://www.divorceandchildren.com/the-summer-switch-up-managing-the-summer-when-your-kids-are-with-the-other-parent/
You have two choices... quit or move forward. Since quitting is not an option, you must push forward. Sure, the uncertainties of life can overwhelm you, but you are equipped for the task! It is important to stand in your reality. Whatever issue or obstacle that has currently reared its head in your life, you must stare it in the face, identify it, and make it your purpose to overcome it. Identifying the issues in your life removes fear of the unknown and forces you to focus on defeating the problem at hand. Adopting the mindset that you will conquer and not be conquered can ultimately change a person’s outlook from a victim to a victor. As a society, we spend so much time ignoring our personal issues that we convince ourselves that we no longer have problems that need a resolution. Thus, our greatest offense as human beings is lying to ourselves. Be honest with yourself — do you feel stuck? Are you unhappy with your current career status? Are you way behind on the personal or professional goals that you were certain that you would accomplish by this stage in your life? Identify your obstacles and figure out a method to work through your thoughts, whether you voice your concerns out loud to yourself or discuss them with a loved one — do not allow negativity to exist in your mind any longer. As a living, breathing human being, you owe it to yourself to get to the source of any issue that you may have so that you can determine what is attempting to steal your joy. Once you have identified the burden at hand, make it your goal to overcome it. Simply put, you must know why you are fighting in order to win the fight. At times, life can throw curve balls, but you must determine in your mind that before any obstacle takes place, you will win the fight! Learn to embrace the growing process and have faith that you will endure any “pit” in your life. Acknowledging the challenging moments of your life ultimately make the moment when you reach the “peak” of your life more enjoyable. In fact, sometimes the bumps and the bruises one receives during a journey prove to be the highlight of the story because those experiences provide the full perspective of one’s journey and make the victory even sweeter. Remember, you were not made to be stagnant — you were made to evolve! It is true that change can be uncomfortable; however, it is essential for growth. Sometimes it is necessary to sit on the sideline and take a break, but you must get up with more energy and a solid strategy to succeed. While you are taking a break, surround yourself with positivity and people that embrace change so that you do not become complacent. Understand that God made you to perform a specific task that only you can perform, so trust that He is preparing you for it. Your job is to be an open vessel. Therefore, you must fight the fight because this world needs what only you have to offer. You are one of a kind and your story cannot end with defeat. You are equipped with the power that you need to excel so make up your mind right now that you can and will walk into your purpose. Always remember, during any obstacle, if your back is against the wall, you must push forward because the world is waiting for you! Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-oraefo/when-your-back-is-against_b_5302153.html
