Forgiveness, Gratitude, Tomayto, Tomahto

A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable.

On my 30th birthday, I received the gift every girl dreams of. Well, OK, maybe not every girl. Maybe just this girl and a few others I know. It arrived on that unusually sunny February morning in England, gift wrapped in an airmail envelope. I must have sensed at some level that its contents were of a rare and mystical quality because I opened it as if in possession of the holy grail itself.

Inside the envelope, shimmering in all of its golden, legal pad glory, was an agenda-free letter of amends from my ex-boyfriend, containing 2 A4 sides of pure, unadulterated accountability for his part in the demise of our relationship. It was poetry, and it made me feel good for exactly half an hour.

It was no coincidence, in my opinion, that this man subsequently met his soulmate and is now happily married to her. He had done his work and was cleaning house from a place of genuine remorse, free from inappropriate shame but without even a whisper of justification. I could feel his heart on the page and it is for that same reason I believe, that my emotional high that morning lasted for a mere 30 minutes. My house was still cluttered with ungrieved loss, unresolved wounds, and the absence of any real clarity or accountability for my own part in what had happened between us. It took an additional three-and-a-half years for me to return the favour. I’m sure, even then I came nowhere close to doing justice to the letter I’d received.

The sense of liberation that I felt, however, in writing those lines of heartfelt remorse, was a lesson I have subsequently carried with me like a treasure. The lesson that any unresolved pain I carry in my heart can never be liberated by another human being. Even if the scenario in question is a place where my role was entirely that of being a powerless victim. Recognition, accountability and even an apology from the so-called offender in question will never set me free. Forgiveness doesn’t come as a result of my offender’s awakening but only as a result of my own.

A couple of years ago, my understanding of why and how forgiveness works in this way deepened when a dear friend turned me on to a life-changing book called Radical Forgiveness. Overnight, my perception of everything transformed from three- to four-dimensional. I would strongly recommend this book to anyone in the clutches of unresolved hurts or a painfully-insistent cycle of being or perceiving themselves as being victimized or persecuted.

The author proposes that everything is happening for us, not to us. The book suggests that our souls have made agreements with one other to act out what we need to experience in order for us to evolve into our whole, actualised selves. So, when your boss routinely passes you over for that promotion, you have, according to Radical Forgiveness, at some level agreed that they would do this for you so that you would learn something about your role in this reoccurring pattern. Maybe you need to learn to value yourself more, to speak up or to risk leaving for a new job elsewhere that is a better match for your skills. Or perhaps you are learning that climbing the career ladder is not a reflection of your worth or a match for the emptiness you feel. Or maybe you have somebody in your life who repeatedly through word or deed implies that you are worthless, of low value, unlovable, not good enough, in some way faulty or wrong etc. Through the lens of this same premise, they are consistently offering you the opportunity to begin, in word and deed, to refute those implications, and to out-grow and heal the origins of those beliefs.

I cannot tell you how many times the following scenario has happened to/for me. I have an unconscious belief that is making my life miserable and blocking me from receiving or feeling joy, abundance, love, or any of the good stuff. And I know that I don’t have the good stuff, but I’m not conscious of the belief that is blocking it or creating the circumstances I’m feeling stuck in. So, as if by magic, a character shows up my life (when the student is ready, the teacher appears), and starts speaking, and or acting out my shadow beliefs, and they do it with complete and utter impunity. Usually, I either fall in love with them or I can’t stand them or a little of both depending on the severity of the belief. But always, at some point, they become intolerable to me, because in truth, what is happening is that they are making my own dysfunctional beliefs conscious, and they are giving me the opportunity to start rejecting them.

This is true of most of us. I reject the person or the situation that is bringing the consciousness alive for me because I don’t want to own that I’m carrying it and that I feel powerless to change. So here’s a better idea: Either they should change, or shut up or go away. But that never works. Because if they do, like clockwork, a new character shows up with the exact same script. Or I keep running the script that the character I amputated was running, round and around in my mind. And on it goes until I, myself, become clear around the beliefs that are no longer serving me.

At the point that I become clear and willing to change, the character who apparently had the contract to do this for me either changes, too or disappears. And it’s isn’t always a case of being shown a shadow belief. Sometimes a situation or person shows up that has something I want, something that I have been denying myself, not allowing myself to want, or not feeling good enough to have. Same principle. They bring to life the pain of the denied desire and all the beliefs that are blocking me from having it. Usually the same process too. Immediately I either put the person on a pedestal, ie. deny that they are just showing me an unrealised aspect of myself by making them superior to me. Or I degrade the thing I’m telling myself I don’t want or care about having, or easier still the offending character who has what I want, in an attempt to make it all unconscious again. Until the next time. Because, as we all know, that which we resist, persists!

While in the moment it feels excruciating or even impossible to find the gold in the discomfort—especially whenever a perceived injustice is being enacted in my life—and I want to take the person I see as being the offender and throw them off something very tall with an unforgiving landing ground, I am still almost positive that it is all happening for me, not to me.

Every scenario I believe contains a gift for all parties.

I’ve come to see these interactions less as unwanted confrontation or conflict but as shadow theatre. A performance of characters who appear to be dark but are actually being operated by helping hands with a desire to wake me up somehow. I have my so-called antagonists, the Voldermorts and pretty much anyone with an evil laugh at Disney, who are there to provoke me into growth, and the so called support team, the Sam Wise Ganges, C3POs, and Gandalfs, who are there to inspire and nourish me into growth.


Whichever way you look at it, they’re all on the same side. How or why would Luke ever have discovered his connection to the force and his calling to become a Jedi if it hadn’t been for Darth Vader? Antagonists don’t just make for good stories; they are a necessity of life. I have come to see them as my best friends in disguise. The greater the infraction, the further I will have to travel and expand my capacity for compassion and healing and acceptance. From that perspective, the infraction becomes a gift worthy of gratitude.

Here’s the tricky part: To hold the knowledge of that truth, but to act according to the lessons. In other words, we’re not here to be boundaryless doormats in a state of transcendence around abusive behaviour. Nor should we be renouncing accountability for our own offending behaviour on the premise that we were doing someone a favour in order to help them with their personal growth. Sometimes the lesson is learning to draw the line, say no, or to speak up. Or perhaps it is learning to feel remorse or to be able to process appropriate guilt and shame around our dysfunctional behaviour. This isn’t a perspective designed to transcend accountability or difficult feelings; it is, in fact, the opposite. It is a perspective that takes the cycle of being stuck in shame, blame and waiting in order to get the liberation we need to move on or to grow.

Are apologies really only for the apologiser? I don’t think so. To be on the receiving end of an authentic, heartfelt amends can be a profoundly validating and moving experience. More than that, it seems to me to be the only pathway for deepening intimacy. The expression of authentic accountability and remorse builds trust in a relationship. A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable. Often it appears that the stronger and healthier a person’s ego, sense of self-worth, and personal security, the greater their capacity for personal accountability, remorse, and processing appropriate levels of healthy shame, all a necessary part of being available for healthy connection with others.

My closest relationships have all weathered a variety of storms, and been made stronger and more intimate by them. During these times we have earned each other’s trust by taking responsibility for our behaviour, and by demonstrating genuine remorse for the impact of our missteps. The desire to change and do better in the future often makes the parties involved feel valuable and valued. So perhaps this is one of the most powerful ways that intimacy is created. Because while the good times in relationships are wonderful, I wonder if our most intimate bonds are forged during times of difficulty or conflict.

People who have weathered storms together are usually closer than people who have only ever experienced the sunny parts of life together. Most healthy relationships, of course, contain a cocktail of shadow theatre and sunny picnics along with the acceptance that no human being is without dark and light. When I come to view the darkness in myself and others with a grateful and investigative mind, the world and everyone in it becomes more like a friendly school of evolution than a battlefield. While school wasn’t always my favourite place to be, I’d much rather be in class than at war.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/forgiveness-gratitude-tomayto-tomahto-lbkr/

Divorced? The Tips You Need For How To Trust Someone Again

Learning how to trust someone after divorce is tough, but these 7 tips will make it easier for you.

One of the most frequent casualties of divorce is the ability to trust someone again in the same way you trusted your ex. It’s as if you’ve blocked off the most tender and precious part of yourself to avoid being hurt at that deep a level ever again. You want to make sure you never ever leave yourself open to a repeat of that much pain.

And yet learning how to trust someone again is at the core of being able to live a full life after divorce.

That’s because true connection is critical to a fully lived and vibrant life. I’m not talking about the surface kind of connection where you keep your truest thoughts and emotions and even ugly cries to yourself. I’m talking about the kind of connection where you can be 100% unapologetically you with someone and they can be that way with you too.

Learning how to trust someone again after suffering through divorce is challenging to say the least. But luckily some work that Brené Brown published in her book Daring Greatly provides a wonderful starting point for discussing and understanding what trust is between two people. She captures her seven points in the acronym BRAVING.

• Boundaries – you and the other each have and respect boundaries
• Reliability – you and the other both do what you say you will do when you say you will do it
• Accountability – you each own your mistakes, apologize and make amends
• Vault – neither of you share what’s not yours to share
• Integrity – both of you choose to do what’s right based on your values instead of what is fun, fast or easy
• Nonjudgment – both of you can express what’s important to you and ask for what you want without fear of judgment
• Generosity – you’re both generous with interpreting the intentions, words and actions of the other

I’ll guess that when you read this list 1 or 2 (or even more) of the items made you cringe. They touched a nerve that still feels a bit raw from your divorce. But they also point you in the direction of where your challenges in trusting someone again are or will be, so you can begin addressing them.

Although everyone has challenges with trusting others in an intimate relationship post-divorce, one group of people who have a lot to overcome are those whose ex cheated on them.

The two most challenging points from Brené’s list for these people to address are integrity and generosity. Learning how to trust someone after being betrayed is fraught with fears of another betrayal. So, suspicion is the attitude most of these folks adopt when they enter a new relationship.

But if they’re courageous enough to understand what’s driving their suspicions and do the work they need to do to work through their challenges, they can build trust in and with a new partner.

Even if your ex didn’t betray you, creating trust within a new relationship post-divorce is a process. It’s not something that’s deep and abiding the moment you meet someone – no matter how much connection you may initially feel.

Taking the time to explore your concerns and fears in learning how to trust someone – someone new – will take work. But having someone in your life who holds a safe place for you to openly and freely share the most precious and tender part of you and for whom you do the same is one of the most wonderful gifts you can ever give and allow yourself to receive – no matter how difficult your divorce was and how scary it is to trust again.

Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/393-divorced-the-tips-you-need-for-how-to-trust-someone-again

Divorce Recovery Time and Why You Can’t Cheat the Clock

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse or child. That’s according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale anyway. It rates a score of 73. Whatever that means.

My guilty secret is that it didn’t seem all that bad. There was one occasion - just the one time in the year since it happened that I really missed the guy.
I was packing his stuff up, not long after he’d left, and I took a dry, clean shirt off the radiator. It was a kind of mock dress shirt, with frills down the front, punctuated with gaudy, crass red stitching.

I always hated that shirt.

Suddenly the emotion hit, leaving me breathless with the intensity of it. It lasted all of five seconds, and then I was fine, shaken more by the surprise of feeling that way, than the feeling itself.

Five seconds after seven years.

It felt like a fair trade off. “This must be how normal people feel,” I thought, having been earlier chastised for an apparent lack of emotion.

If they do feel that way, if that five seconds segues into the 18 months to five-year period that is meant to make up divorce recovery time, then it has certainly earned its place on the winners’ podium of horrors.

Recovery time seems to span a large, variable timeframe for different people, but for everyone, the timeframe is longer than they would want. When I started looking it up, in the early days, I was defiant.

“Five years. Five years? It’s been three weeks, and I feel fine. Better than fine, great in fact.”
In reality, it’s only now, a year later, that I can look back and realise that I didn’t feel all that good. It’s hard to pinpoint why I felt so bad, when ultimately, and even with the benefit of hindsight, the overriding feeling was one of relief.

It’s possibly a defence mechanism: knowing you’re going to feel that terrible for that long wouldn’t aid any kind of recovery process.

And what is recovery? It can’t be a return to previous form? That would be some kind of regression. You have to adapt to your circumstances, and that means change. Maybe that means becoming a happier person, more capable of dealing with problems, more able to navigate through the daily minefields with less anxiety. It certainly involves becoming more self-sufficient, even if the impression of having support and back up was nothing more than an illusion.

Getting to this point is not easy: while I seem to have had it easier than most, it was a tough year. But having ridden out the worst of it, I can conclude that all the worst stuff is necessary. As the chimes ushering the end of 2013 rang out, I felt as though they took the last vestiges of the pain with them. My magic timeframe was pretty much twelve months exactly.

This couldn’t have been predicted by any kind of chart, experts or other anecdotal evidence. 
The time it takes is the time it takes. Unfortunately it seems that time itself is a process that can’t be bypassed, despite how much dating, soul searching or yoga you do. You have to wait it out. Sucks, but that’s just the way it works.

The worst thing is the backsliding. It happens, and you just have to accept it. This is apparently one of the things that hits a lot of people the hardest: you’re chugging along doing fine, and then it kicks you in the guts, as visceral as it is emotional. It’s a cruel intrusion into your belief that you were doing well, and stirs up all kind of worries, one of the more potent ones being the fear of insanity. It’s generally not insanity: and Kübler-Ross will back me up on that.

These intrusions become less and less regular, until suddenly they never happen, apart from on a minor scale. You may see a particular brand of marmalade on a supermarket shelf that sets off a synapse deep inside your brain somewhere, and makes you realise that the memories you carry with you will always be there on some level, but confronting them is no longer significant.
When the day arrives that you are genuinely able to look at the good times as good, the bad times as bad, and attach no meaning, importance or emotion to them, that’s probably a good indication that you’re pretty much there.
When that day arrives, you will probably be happy about how it all went down.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/maria-chiorando/divorce-recovery-time_b_4571607.html

3 Key Steps to Gaining Emotional Freedom After Divorce

Despite finalizing your divorce, feelings of anger, sadness, and resentment may stay with you. Follow these three steps to achieving an Emotional Divorce, which will ultimately help you realize emotional freedom.

You have a piece of paper that says you are divorced. Finances, property, kids have all been hammered out. You are now free to live your own life.
However, for some reason it still feels like you’re emotionally tied to your former spouse. The fighting, frustrations, disappointments have continued. It’s the same old same old. You thought that getting divorced would stop all this, and now you see it hasn’t. What is going on?

Simple: you have not achieved the Emotional Divorce… yet. I say yet because although challenging and painful to do, it can be accomplished. The main requirement is to look within. This is where the Emotional Divorce is accomplished.

After my divorce, I was still angry, frustrated, and resentful. The same problems I had in the marriage were still happening in my post-divorce life. I felt captive, not free. It was when I decided to look inward that the seeds of the Emotional Divorce were planted, and then my emotional freedom began to grow.

All I can say is, it was hard and painful. Sometimes I really did not like what I saw about myself, which was the most difficult to undertake. However, I made a commitment, dialed up my courage, and kept on going.

Here are three key steps you can take to start the process of achieving an Emotional Divorce:

3 Steps to Take to Achieve an Emotional Divorce

1. Reflection

Reflecting is looking back, not going back into your past. There is a distinct difference between these two ways. Reflecting is firmly rooted in today as an observer, reviewing your past. Reflecting is not thinking about your past and reliving it. Reflecting is to stand back from the emotions, feelings, and judgments in order to discern or recognize the facts in order to develop a new perspective. To reflect is to look for the truth and acknowledge things about yourself or others that are difficult to admit. Reflection brings clarity, understanding, and balance. It also involves an element of inner resolution in order to step forward in your life.

While reflecting back on my marriage, I played a movie in my head, pretending I was sitting in a theater seat. I saw on the big screen two needy people, one who was silent (my ex) and one who was vocal in anger (me). It became clear how we each reacted and acted through the lens of our neediness, creating an unhappy marriage.

2. Accountability

If you are thinking I am to blame, belittling, or being defensive in any way, that is not it. It is not punishment. Accountability is all about taking ownership of your thinking, feelings, and actions. It a nonjudgmental look at how you internally operate and then making a choice to do something about it. You come with your belief systems, experiences, and viewpoint. You created your viewpoint, your triggers, basically your reality. Accountability is you see it, you own it, you choose, you act.

After I got divorced, I looked to my former husband to step in and help with picking up the kids after work. He was closer, I was farther away. He rarely came through when we were married, and yet I kept thinking and expecting it to change. I experienced the same feelings of anger and resent. I finally stopped blaming my ex and took ownership of my part in it. I was the one with all those unrealistic expectations, beliefs, anger, resentment — I owned that. I chose to accept that I needed to change, not him. I felt freer for the first time in a long time.

3. Action

This is all about steps or movement, better known as doing something. An action is the result of your thinking and feeling. You think, you feel, you act. Taking the same external action step when something isn’t working and expecting a different outcome is self-sabotage at its best. New and different action is required to get the result that you desire. Consider new action as a way of solidifying your new and different perspective, which paves the way to your Emotional Divorce.

After I took ownership of my thinking, I took different external action steps with my former husband. I stopped asking him to pick up the kids from day care and asked other people instead. New action. I decided to put an end to waiting to be reimbursed for his portion of day care, gymnastics, karate, etc. I informed all those places to set up separate billing for each of us. LOTS of new action. The feeling of freedom began to soar.

An Emotional Divorce is an important piece of the entire divorce process. It gives you emotional freedom from your emotional pain and problems. Basically, they don’t change, you change. It is the springboard in creating the new and happy you.

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/key-steps-to-gaining-emotional-freedom-after-divorce/

4 Tips for Setting Powerful Goals

We all have two choices: We can make a living or we can design a life. Here’s how to do the latter.

The most important benefit of setting goals isn’t achieving your goal; it’s what you do and the person you become in order to achieve your goal that’s the real benefit.

Goal setting is powerful because it provides focus. It shapes our dreams. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life. Goals are great because they cause us to stretch and grow in ways that we never have before. In order to reach our goals, we must become better.

Life is designed in such a way that we look long-term and live short-term. We dream for the future and live in the present. Unfortunately, the present can produce many difficult obstacles. But setting goals provides long-term vision in our lives. We all need powerful, long-range goals to help us get past those short-term obstacles. Fortunately, the more powerful our goals are, the more we’ll be able to act on and guarantee that they will actually come to pass.

What are the key aspects to learn and remember when studying and writing our goals? 

Here’s a closer look at goal setting and how you can make it forceful and practical:

1. Evaluate and reflect.

The only way we can reasonably decide what we want in the future and how we’ll get there is to know where we are right now and what our current level of satisfaction is. So first, take some time to think through and write down your current situation; then ask this question on each key point: Is that OK?

The purpose of evaluation is twofold. First, it gives you an objective way to look at your accomplishments and your pursuit of the vision you have for life. Secondly, it shows you where you are so you can determine where you need to go. Evaluation gives you a baseline to work from.

Take a couple of hours this week to evaluate and reflect. See where you are and write it down so that as the months progress and you continue a regular time of evaluation and reflection, you will see just how much ground you’re gaining—and that will be exciting!

2. Define your dreams and goals.

One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life and the ability to establish and set goals to live out those dreams. We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families. We can dream of better financial, emotional, spiritual or physical lives. We have also been given the ability to not only dream, but pursue those dreams—and not just pursue them, but the cognitive ability to lay out a plan and strategies to achieve those dreams. Powerful!

What are your dreams and goals? This isn’t what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.

Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don’t do enough of in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we’re constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet—to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams. Schedule some quiet “dream time” this week. No other people. No cellphone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen and your thoughts.

Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you love to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel great and you will be in the “dream zone.” It is only when we get to this point that we experience what our dreams are.

Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don’t think of any as too outlandish or foolish—remember—you’re dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.

Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action—not just dreaming.

3. Make your goals S.M.A.R.T.

The acronym S.M.A.R.T. means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-sensitive.

Specific:
Goals are no place to waffle. They are no place to be vague. Ambiguous goals produce ambiguous results. Incomplete goals produce incomplete futures.

Measurable:
Always set goals that are measurable. I would say “specifically measurable” to take into account our principle of being specific.

Attainable:
One of the detrimental things that many people do—with good intentions—is setting goals that are so high that they are unattainable.

Realistic:
The root word of realistic is “real.” A goal has to be something that we can reasonably make “real” or a “reality” in our lives. There are some goals that are simply not realistic. You have to be able to say, even if it is a tremendously stretching goal, that yes, indeed, it is entirely realistic—that you could make it. You may even have to say that it will take x, y and z to do it, but if those happen, then it can be done. This is in no way to say it shouldn’t be a big goal, but it must be realistic.

Time:
Every goal should have a timeframe attached to it. One of the powerful aspects of a great goal is that it has an end—a time in which you are shooting to accomplish it. As time goes by, you work on it because you don’t want to get behind, and you work diligently because you want to meet the deadline. You may even have to break down a big goal into different parts of measurement and timeframes—that is OK. Set smaller goals and work them out in their own time. A S.M.A.R.T. goal has a timeline.

4. Have accountability.

When someone knows what your goals are, they hold you accountable by asking you to “give an account” of where you are in the process of achieving that goal. Accountability puts some teeth into the process. If a goal is set and only one person knows it, does it really have any power? Many times, no. A goal isn’t as powerful if you don’t have one or more people who can hold you accountable to it.

Source: http://www.success.com/article/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals