More than 2 million Americans called their marriage quits last year. The bad news? That's a lot of divorce. The good news? If you're newly single, that's a lot of potential people to date. But first things first: Here's what to expect when you're navigating the singles scene once again.
Only you know when you're ready to date again.
"You'll have a chorus of people telling you it's time, but you need to follow your gut feelings," says Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant clinical professor of psychology at Northwestern University. Her test: Close your eyes and imagine yourself dating. If you feel curious or excited, then you're probably ready. If you're terrified or sad, you need to give it some more time. Been a few years since the divorce papers were final? "Then you might benefit from some counseling sessions to see what's holding you back—for example, a lot of women feel overly self-conscience about their appearance," she says. (Make this your best year ever! Try the New Year, New You Rodale Challenge today.)
Online dating is the norm now.
Nope, it's not just something that the kids are doing—online dating is particularly common among divorcees. "Online dating used to be a weird thing, but it's standard now. Pretty much everyone who wants to date after divorce does it," says Patrick Markey, PhD, a professor of psychology at Villanova who is recently divorced himself. He suggests figuring out what online dating service you're most comfortable with—Tinder's based largely on first impressions from photos; Match.com and Eharmony.com generally attract 40+ daters looking for more serious relationships, and Okcupid.com is somewhere in between the two.
His profile might not be honest.
"About 20% of the men I've considered dating weren't who they said they were; they lied about their job or even current relationships," says Tiffany Beverlin, a divorcee who founded DreamsRecycled.com, a website that helps you sell items from your marriage. She checks the social media profiles (especially LinkedIn) of potential dates, and also does a web search before agreeing to meet. By the same token, make sure your online profile is genuine—and keep it short, using bullet points if possible.
Coffee or cocktails is a better first date than dinner.
"Dinner is too much of a time commitment, because you might not hit it off," says Mary Stuart Deibel, a senior matchmaker at Three Day Rule, a personalized service backed by Match.com. Another reason drinks are a better bet? Since most men tend to insist on picking up the tab, it's not so expensive that you'll feel guilty letting him pay if you don't want to see him again, says Deibel. (Just don't start binge drinking if it's not going well.)
Have an exit strategy in place before the date begins, knowing if you do feel a spark you can always schedule a second date. "It could be something as mundane as 'I have a car appointment at 10:30 so I need to leave by 10,' " says Stan Tatkin, PsyD, author of Wired for Dating. It's also smart to meet at a public place and let at least one of your friends know where you'll be.
Talk of the ex is off-limits—at least for the first time out.
It's tempting to go there, especially if you're both divorced. But the topic tends to be a downer, so try to find other common ground. "Instead of the usual, 'Tell me about yourself,' which is so broad, come up with some questions in advance to ask on the first date," suggests Washington, DC–based psychologist Venessa Perry. A few ideas: When's the last time you laughed hysterically? What books have you read multiple times? What's on your bucket list? "I try to keep the conversation light-hearted," says Michelle Roberts of Atlanta, who was married for 19 years before she called it quits. "I talk about entertainment, my job, and my kids, because I need to know someone that I'm in a relationship with is OK with the fact that I have three of them."
The kids shouldn't meet most of your dates.
Unless you've been in a committed relationship for 6 months (and these signs point to it lasting), don't introduce your kids to your date because they may get anxious or even attached, says Beverlin. If you have joint custody, schedule dates for times when your kids are with your ex, or find a sitter.
It's OK if sparks don't fly.
"Chemistry doesn't reveal itself for a while," says Solomon. So don't dis a date you enjoy being around because there weren't sparks on the first outing...or even the fourth. "It's hard not being able to know where the relationship will lead, but trust that it's unfolding and give it time."
Be mature about it.
The practice of blowing off texts and calls from people you're not interested in having a relationship with is becoming increasingly common, says Tatkin. While it's absolutely fine not to want a second or third date, be mature enough to say so rather than just disappear.
Source: https://www.prevention.com/sex/8-tips-for-dating-after-divorce
Most mornings as I leave the Y after my swim and shower, I cross paths with a coterie of toddlers entering with their caregivers for a kid-oriented activity. I can’t resist saying hello, requesting a high-five, and wishing them a fun time. I leave the Y grinning from ear to ear, uplifted not just by my own workout but even more so by my interaction with these darling representatives of the next generation.
What a great way to start the day!
When I told a fellow swimmer about this experience and mentioned that I was writing a column on the health benefits of positive emotions, she asked, “What do you do about people who are always negative?” She was referring to her parents, whose chronic negativity seems to drag everyone down and make family visits extremely unpleasant.
I lived for half a century with a man who suffered from periodic bouts of depression, so I understand how challenging negativism can be. I wish I had known years ago about the work Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina, has done on fostering positive emotions, in particular her theory that accumulating “micro-moments of positivity,” like my daily interaction with children, can, over time, result in greater overall well-being.
The research that Dr. Fredrickson and others have done demonstrates that the extent to which we can generate positive emotions from even everyday activities can determine who flourishes and who doesn’t. More than a sudden bonanza of good fortune, repeated brief moments of positive feelings can provide a buffer against stress and depression and foster both physical and mental health, their studies show.
This is not to say that one must always be positive to be healthy and happy. Clearly, there are times and situations that naturally result in negative feelings in the most upbeat of individuals. Worry, sadness, anger and other such “downers” have their place in any normal life. But chronically viewing the glass as half-empty is detrimental both mentally and physically and inhibits one’s ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable stresses.
Negative feelings activate a region of the brain called the amygdala, which is involved in processing fear and anxiety and other emotions. Dr. Richard J. Davidson, a neuroscientist and founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin — Madison, has shown that people in whom the amygdala recovers slowly from a threat are at greater risk for a variety of health problems than those in whom it recovers quickly.
Both he and Dr. Fredrickson and their colleagues have demonstrated that the brain is “plastic,” or capable of generating new cells and pathways, and it is possible to train the circuitry in the brain to promote more positive responses. That is, a person can learn to be more positive by practicing certain skills that foster positivity.
For example, Dr. Fredrickson’s team found that six weeks of training in a form of meditation focused on compassion and kindness resulted in an increase in positive emotions and social connectedness and improved function of one of the main nerves that helps to control heart rate. The result is a more variable heart rate that, she said in an interview, is associated with objective health benefits like better control of blood glucose, less inflammation and faster recovery from a heart attack.
Dr. Davidson’s team showed that as little as two weeks’ training in compassion and kindness meditation generated changes in brain circuitry linked to an increase in positive social behaviors like generosity.
“The results suggest that taking time to learn the skills to self-generate positive emotions can help us become healthier, more social, more resilient versions of ourselves,” Dr. Fredrickson reported in the National Institutes of Health monthly newsletter in 2015.
In other words, Dr. Davidson said, “well-being can be considered a life skill. If you practice, you can actually get better at it.” By learning and regularly practicing skills that promote positive emotions, you can become a happier and healthier person. Thus, there is hope for people like my friend’s parents should they choose to take steps to develop and reinforce positivity.
In her newest book, “Love 2.0,” Dr. Fredrickson reports that “shared positivity — having two people caught up in the same emotion — may have even a greater impact on health than something positive experienced by oneself.” Consider watching a funny play or movie or TV show with a friend of similar tastes, or sharing good news, a joke or amusing incidents with others. Dr. Fredrickson also teaches “loving-kindness meditation” focused on directing good-hearted wishes to others. This can result in people “feeling more in tune with other people at the end of the day,” she said.
Activities Dr. Fredrickson and others endorse to foster positive emotions include:
Do good things for other people. In addition to making others happier, this enhances your own positive feelings. It can be something as simple as helping someone carry heavy packages or providing directions for a stranger.
Appreciate the world around you. It could be a bird, a tree, a beautiful sunrise or sunset or even an article of clothing someone is wearing. I met a man recently who was reveling in the architectural details of the 19th-century houses in my neighbourhood.
Develop and bolster relationships. Building strong social connections with friends or family members enhances feelings of self-worth and, long-term studies have shown, is associated with better health and a longer life.
Establish goals that can be accomplished. Perhaps you want to improve your tennis or read more books. But be realistic; a goal that is impractical or too challenging can create unnecessary stress.
Learn something new. It can be a sport, a language, an instrument or a game that instills a sense of achievement, self-confidence and resilience. But here, too, be realistic about how long this may take and be sure you have the time needed.
Choose to accept yourself, flaws and all. Rather than imperfections and failures, focus on your positive attributes and achievements. The loveliest people I know have none of the external features of loveliness but shine with the internal beauty of caring, compassion and consideration of others.
Practice resilience. Rather than let loss, stress, failure or trauma overwhelm you, use them as learning experiences and steppingstones to a better future. Remember the expression: When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Practice mindfulness. Ruminating on past problems or future difficulties drains mental resources and steals attention from current pleasures. Let go of things you can’t control and focus on the here-and-now. Consider taking a course in insight meditation.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/03/well/live/turning-negative-thinkers-into-positive-ones.html
A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable.
On my 30th birthday, I received the gift every girl dreams of. Well, OK, maybe not every girl. Maybe just this girl and a few others I know. It arrived on that unusually sunny February morning in England, gift wrapped in an airmail envelope. I must have sensed at some level that its contents were of a rare and mystical quality because I opened it as if in possession of the holy grail itself.
Inside the envelope, shimmering in all of its golden, legal pad glory, was an agenda-free letter of amends from my ex-boyfriend, containing 2 A4 sides of pure, unadulterated accountability for his part in the demise of our relationship. It was poetry, and it made me feel good for exactly half an hour.
It was no coincidence, in my opinion, that this man subsequently met his soulmate and is now happily married to her. He had done his work and was cleaning house from a place of genuine remorse, free from inappropriate shame but without even a whisper of justification. I could feel his heart on the page and it is for that same reason I believe, that my emotional high that morning lasted for a mere 30 minutes. My house was still cluttered with ungrieved loss, unresolved wounds, and the absence of any real clarity or accountability for my own part in what had happened between us. It took an additional three-and-a-half years for me to return the favour. I’m sure, even then I came nowhere close to doing justice to the letter I’d received.
The sense of liberation that I felt, however, in writing those lines of heartfelt remorse, was a lesson I have subsequently carried with me like a treasure. The lesson that any unresolved pain I carry in my heart can never be liberated by another human being. Even if the scenario in question is a place where my role was entirely that of being a powerless victim. Recognition, accountability and even an apology from the so-called offender in question will never set me free. Forgiveness doesn’t come as a result of my offender’s awakening but only as a result of my own.
A couple of years ago, my understanding of why and how forgiveness works in this way deepened when a dear friend turned me on to a life-changing book called Radical Forgiveness. Overnight, my perception of everything transformed from three- to four-dimensional. I would strongly recommend this book to anyone in the clutches of unresolved hurts or a painfully-insistent cycle of being or perceiving themselves as being victimized or persecuted.
The author proposes that everything is happening for us, not to us. The book suggests that our souls have made agreements with one other to act out what we need to experience in order for us to evolve into our whole, actualised selves. So, when your boss routinely passes you over for that promotion, you have, according to Radical Forgiveness, at some level agreed that they would do this for you so that you would learn something about your role in this reoccurring pattern. Maybe you need to learn to value yourself more, to speak up or to risk leaving for a new job elsewhere that is a better match for your skills. Or perhaps you are learning that climbing the career ladder is not a reflection of your worth or a match for the emptiness you feel. Or maybe you have somebody in your life who repeatedly through word or deed implies that you are worthless, of low value, unlovable, not good enough, in some way faulty or wrong etc. Through the lens of this same premise, they are consistently offering you the opportunity to begin, in word and deed, to refute those implications, and to out-grow and heal the origins of those beliefs.
I cannot tell you how many times the following scenario has happened to/for me. I have an unconscious belief that is making my life miserable and blocking me from receiving or feeling joy, abundance, love, or any of the good stuff. And I know that I don’t have the good stuff, but I’m not conscious of the belief that is blocking it or creating the circumstances I’m feeling stuck in. So, as if by magic, a character shows up my life (when the student is ready, the teacher appears), and starts speaking, and or acting out my shadow beliefs, and they do it with complete and utter impunity. Usually, I either fall in love with them or I can’t stand them or a little of both depending on the severity of the belief. But always, at some point, they become intolerable to me, because in truth, what is happening is that they are making my own dysfunctional beliefs conscious, and they are giving me the opportunity to start rejecting them.
This is true of most of us. I reject the person or the situation that is bringing the consciousness alive for me because I don’t want to own that I’m carrying it and that I feel powerless to change. So here’s a better idea: Either they should change, or shut up or go away. But that never works. Because if they do, like clockwork, a new character shows up with the exact same script. Or I keep running the script that the character I amputated was running, round and around in my mind. And on it goes until I, myself, become clear around the beliefs that are no longer serving me.
At the point that I become clear and willing to change, the character who apparently had the contract to do this for me either changes, too or disappears. And it’s isn’t always a case of being shown a shadow belief. Sometimes a situation or person shows up that has something I want, something that I have been denying myself, not allowing myself to want, or not feeling good enough to have. Same principle. They bring to life the pain of the denied desire and all the beliefs that are blocking me from having it. Usually the same process too. Immediately I either put the person on a pedestal, ie. deny that they are just showing me an unrealised aspect of myself by making them superior to me. Or I degrade the thing I’m telling myself I don’t want or care about having, or easier still the offending character who has what I want, in an attempt to make it all unconscious again. Until the next time. Because, as we all know, that which we resist, persists!
While in the moment it feels excruciating or even impossible to find the gold in the discomfort—especially whenever a perceived injustice is being enacted in my life—and I want to take the person I see as being the offender and throw them off something very tall with an unforgiving landing ground, I am still almost positive that it is all happening for me, not to me.
Every scenario I believe contains a gift for all parties.
I’ve come to see these interactions less as unwanted confrontation or conflict but as shadow theatre. A performance of characters who appear to be dark but are actually being operated by helping hands with a desire to wake me up somehow. I have my so-called antagonists, the Voldermorts and pretty much anyone with an evil laugh at Disney, who are there to provoke me into growth, and the so called support team, the Sam Wise Ganges, C3POs, and Gandalfs, who are there to inspire and nourish me into growth.
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Whichever way you look at it, they’re all on the same side. How or why would Luke ever have discovered his connection to the force and his calling to become a Jedi if it hadn’t been for Darth Vader? Antagonists don’t just make for good stories; they are a necessity of life. I have come to see them as my best friends in disguise. The greater the infraction, the further I will have to travel and expand my capacity for compassion and healing and acceptance. From that perspective, the infraction becomes a gift worthy of gratitude.
Here’s the tricky part: To hold the knowledge of that truth, but to act according to the lessons. In other words, we’re not here to be boundaryless doormats in a state of transcendence around abusive behaviour. Nor should we be renouncing accountability for our own offending behaviour on the premise that we were doing someone a favour in order to help them with their personal growth. Sometimes the lesson is learning to draw the line, say no, or to speak up. Or perhaps it is learning to feel remorse or to be able to process appropriate guilt and shame around our dysfunctional behaviour. This isn’t a perspective designed to transcend accountability or difficult feelings; it is, in fact, the opposite. It is a perspective that takes the cycle of being stuck in shame, blame and waiting in order to get the liberation we need to move on or to grow.
Are apologies really only for the apologiser? I don’t think so. To be on the receiving end of an authentic, heartfelt amends can be a profoundly validating and moving experience. More than that, it seems to me to be the only pathway for deepening intimacy. The expression of authentic accountability and remorse builds trust in a relationship. A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable. Often it appears that the stronger and healthier a person’s ego, sense of self-worth, and personal security, the greater their capacity for personal accountability, remorse, and processing appropriate levels of healthy shame, all a necessary part of being available for healthy connection with others.
My closest relationships have all weathered a variety of storms, and been made stronger and more intimate by them. During these times we have earned each other’s trust by taking responsibility for our behaviour, and by demonstrating genuine remorse for the impact of our missteps. The desire to change and do better in the future often makes the parties involved feel valuable and valued. So perhaps this is one of the most powerful ways that intimacy is created. Because while the good times in relationships are wonderful, I wonder if our most intimate bonds are forged during times of difficulty or conflict.
People who have weathered storms together are usually closer than people who have only ever experienced the sunny parts of life together. Most healthy relationships, of course, contain a cocktail of shadow theatre and sunny picnics along with the acceptance that no human being is without dark and light. When I come to view the darkness in myself and others with a grateful and investigative mind, the world and everyone in it becomes more like a friendly school of evolution than a battlefield. While school wasn’t always my favourite place to be, I’d much rather be in class than at war.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/forgiveness-gratitude-tomayto-tomahto-lbkr/
Here’s how to protect your money when your marriage is falling apart.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't the only people getting a divorce. Plenty of Americans go through the process each year of dissolving their marriages, splitting their assets and making custodial arrangements for their children. While every divorce situation is unique, separating spouses should do the following 10 things to up their odds of coming out of the proceedings on financially stable ground.
Take stock of your marital assets, but don't move them. Ideally, both spouses should already have a firm grasp of account balances and the value of joint assets. But if not, now is the time to review old bank statements and inventory safe deposit boxes to ensure your spouse hasn't been trying to move money or hide assets from you.
However, resist the urge to make significant withdrawals or large purchases prior or during divorce proceedings. "Judges go crazy over that," says Steve Azoury, a financial planner and owner of Azoury Financial in Troy, Michigan. "They think you're trying to hide money."
Prepare for a new career ASAP. As soon as people know they are getting a divorce, they should think about how they will support themselves in the years after. "If you're not employed, this is a time to boost your career or even start one," says Allen Gibson, a chartered divorce financial analyst with Gibson Private Wealth Advisors in Dallas. He says a common mistake people make is waiting until a divorce is finalized before beginning their job hunt. By that point, they may have squandered precious months, or even years, which could have been spent polishing skills or networking with others.
Stay put for the time being. While moving out immediately may seem like a logical decision during a separation, Azoury cautions against it. "Don't move out of the house before consulting with an attorney," he says. "[Your spouse] could say you've abandoned the family."
Don't get emotional about your home or other items. Too often, people give up valuable assets or other rights in order to keep the family home, says Kira Gould, a certified divorce coach and a certified real estate divorce specialist. While it may seem traumatic to sell the house, it is often for the best. "When we finally manage to wrestle them from their house, they're happier," Gould says.
Other spouses may become emotionally invested in keeping certain items simply out of a desire to one-up their soon-to-be ex. "People are really blinded by the power of the win," says Carrie Rollings Meynet, a real estate agent at the real estate firm Gibson International. As a result, they may spend extra on legal fees or give up more valuable assets in order to keep something of lesser value.
Think about the tax implications. Next to a house, a retirement fund may be the most valuable asset a person owns, but Gibson says couples shouldn't expect to simply cash out and split the proceeds. "If it's not done properly, a person could pay a penalty," Gibson says. "Plus, there's taxes." Spouses should consider the tax consequences of trading one asset for another during the divorce proceedings. "The house on the lake is a tax-free benefit while the 401(k) is taxable," Azoury says.
Check for legal obstacles. Even if a couple agrees to split a 401(k) plan, it may not be possible. A judicial order known as a qualified domestic relations order, otherwise called a QDRO, is needed. However, even if granted, the order can only be fulfilled if the 401(k) plan administrator allows it. "The law of the plan is the law of the land," Gibson says.
Consider all insurance options. Divorces commonly require one spouse to pay child support or maintain health insurance for dependents. But if that person should be unable to work in the future, both of those financial safety nets could disappear. To avoid that from happening, spouses may want to consider requiring disability insurance or other coverage as part of the divorce settlement. "Make sure any document is binding even if a death occurs," Azoury says.
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Get your own team of professionals. Divorce can be messy, expensive and emotionally wrenching, so it's best not to go it alone. "See a therapist beforehand so you can clearly go into the situation," Azoury says. "I have one client who was so emotionally distraught that she used [her husband's] lawyer. He took advantage of her." In addition to a therapist and a lawyer, bringing in a financial planner can also be helpful. In all cases, look for someone experienced in divorce cases. "Better to find people with specialty knowledge than jacks of all trades," Gibson says.
Do your own legwork. Paying a divorce attorney can quickly deplete a bank account, but people can save money by coming to meetings with all the pertinent information. Bring Social Security numbers, tax records and other documents rather than having an attorney research that information at a hefty price tag. "The attorney will be glad to overcharge you," Gibson says about looking up records you could find for free.
Be realistic about your future financial needs. Even the most amicable divorce means a significant life change for both spouses. "In divorce, reality changes for everyone," Gould says. Azoury suggests people plan to live on half their previous household income, but maintain about 70 percent of the expenses. That may seem like a tall order, but one that can be met with proper planning.
Not every divorce is as high-profile as the Pitt-Jolie split, but you don't have to be rich or famous to walk out of a divorce on financially stable ground.
Source: https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2016-09-29/10-ways-to-prevent-a-divorce-from-ruining-your-finances
“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu
Two years ago my life as I knew it changed forever. No, I was not diagnosed with a disease, nor did I lose someone special or have a near-death experience. I actually gained some pretty amazing things: a new house, two dogs, living with my partner, and the chance to be a full-time stepmom to his two children.
But I did not initially view this change in a truly positive light.
After the dissolution of a long-term relationship, I had spent several years living alone in my cozy apartment.
I cherished my independence and, for a time, the solitude.
I came and went as I pleased. If I was seized with musical inspiration, no matter what the hour, I played and sang. I had quiet time to read and write.
My friends dropped by to hang out, I played shows with my band, and I regularly went out for meals and concerts.
Yes, life was pretty darned good—except for the fact that I was alone.
After interesting, humorous, and some downright sad attempts at dating, I met my partner, a wonderful man. He lived an hour and a half away, but we made it work, seeing each other on the weekends. His two children were then living with their mom in Quebec.
My weekends with my partner were like mini-vacations. We kayaked, went out for meals, and laughed with abandon. Relaxation was our default setting.
Fast forward two years, and traveling was beginning to lose its novelty, especially when poor weather made the roads dicey. Around this time, the kids asked to come and live with their dad. We knew the back and forth wasn’t going to cut it any more; the kids needed stability, so we buckled down and bought a house together.
This was a lot to take on all at once, and I knew it. I could see it written on the faces of my friends, colleagues, and family when I described our plans. But we loved each other, we were committed to each other, and it seemed like the most practical solution at the time.
I left my apartment, my partner left his house, and we merged our lives.
I soon found I was walking on air, but not in the elated type of way—more so that the familiar ground was disintegrating from beneath my feet piece by piece.
Even before the kids arrived, I started to feel overwhelmed with this new commitment, this new negotiation of space.
I was used to putting things where I wanted them, eating when I felt like it, and functioning according to my personal schedule, but suddenly I was accountable to someone else—and he had equal right to give input on everything from where the pots should go to whose sheets should go on the bed.
My relaxed state was replaced with the tension of constant compromise.
Doubt began to snake its tendrils into my mind—had I made the right choice?
The kids’ grandparents drove them cross-country at the beginning of that summer. The day, the week, they arrived is something of a blur, and all I really remember is the French (they are all francophone).
My partner, understandably, was so excited to see his family that sometimes he forgot to translate and I started to feel shut out, not only from the conversation, but from my life as I knew it.
Becoming a stepparent is not a job for the faint of heart, especially if you have no children of your own. Being a teacher, I know how to relate well with kids—in the classroom. The natural bond between a parent and child is one that builds from birth, and I was nine and ten years behind.
Also, the initial boundaries my partner set for the kids did not match up to those I would have set, had they been my children. Jumping on beds, screaming in the house, and crashing around upstairs, for example, were not activities I could live with. Quiet time for contemplation had virtually disappeared.
I sorely missed my musical outlet. Our basement was unfinished, and so the only place for the piano and my other instruments was in a little parlor room off the front hallway—a room without a door. My days of unfettered musical expression seemed over.
Important parts of my old life seemed to be moving out of reach, and I began to feel the bitter seed of resentment growing, growing, growing.
I felt like a stranger on the periphery of my own life and started to build up walls to protect the core of my essence, which I was terrified was the next thing to be taken away—“I” would disappear in this new role and new life.
Not wanting to upset the kids or my partner, or admit to others that I was struggling, I kept my turmoil private and tried to go through the motions of my new role.
My mindset did, of course, affect those I was living with, because I had become depressed and detached.
My withdrawal compounded my problem of connecting and made me feel more isolated and resentful and it became a vicious cycle.
I was miserable.
Somehow, gradually, through reading and much introspection, I came to realize that it was my attitude that was making things this unbearable. Yes, it was a totally different situation than I had bargained for, and yes, parts were challenging, and yes, some of the freedoms I enjoyed from my “old life” were constrained by the situation.
But, instead of dwelling on these things, I started to look at it from a different perspective: What had I gained?
In what ways had my life been enriched (or had the potential to be enriched) by my new circumstances? I started to make myself notice positive things each day and I wrote them in a gratitude journal.
Instead of painting myself as a victim on whom changes had been imposed, I became more proactive and vocal; I started to communicate my own boundaries and needs. There was some conflict at first, but we were able to find workable compromises.
Suddenly, my situation seemed a lot more livable, even enjoyable.
Last summer, my partner and I finished a room in the basement that is my music studio. Having a space of my own has helped me a lot, but the most powerful difference came from my mind shift.
Today I am fully grateful for the amazing life I am blessed with. It is different than it used to be, but I am so much richer for it. I have a loving partner, two wonderful kids, two dogs, and two cats that provide us with endless entertainment, and a beautiful home that now meets all of our needs.
Life in a family is never dull. There are still challenges (both expected and surprise), but I no longer let them overwhelm me. I now know that I have the power to choose my attitude toward my circumstances.
Change is inevitable. Change challenges us and pushes us beyond the edge of where we are comfortable.
How we respond to change is entirely up to us.
Instead of dwelling on what is different, or what is hard, we can choose to foster an attitude of openness and gratitude. With this change in mindset, we are able to see opportunities for enrichment and growth that present themselves and we can embrace them as the gifts they are.
Source: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-to-embrace-change-as-opportunity-not-loss/
Any divorce is difficult, even when the split is amicable. After all, divorce is a major transition, and change is tough. When your divorce is contentious, not surprisingly, things are harder. A lot harder.
“People are often caught off guard by the enormity of the divorce experience,” said Krysta Dancy, MA, MFT, a therapist who specializes in working with couples and families in Roseville, Calif.
If your marriage was contentious, you probably see your divorce as a relief, so you might feel blindsided when your stress skyrockets. You might feel utterly exhausted, anxious, depressed and unfocused, Dancy said.
You might start second guessing yourself. You might question your ability to make good decisions for you and your family, said Amy Broz, a marriage and family therapist intern who works with high-conflict couples. This may stem from being in an abusive marriage. “Often, the reason my clients are going through a contentious divorce to begin with is because they have been [physically, verbally or emotionally] abused in some form or another.”
You might not even feel like yourself, Dancy said. You might feel out of control, Broz said. You might be “worried and afraid, uncertain of what the future holds.”
How do you stay sane when it feels like you’re swept up in a tornado? Below, Dancy and Broz shared five suggestions.
Create a “divorce-free zone.”
You might feel like you need to be available around the clock to deal with your divorce. Or you might feel like you need to be perpetually prepared for the latest battle. “Often, people are afraid to leave arguments unanswered because they fear their ex will score some big moral victory,” Dancy said.
Plus, thanks to technology, you’re probably bombarded with texts and emails throughout the day (and night). Many of Dancy’s clients get emails or texts first thing in the morning, during their work day and when they’re out with friends.
Constant communication means you’re constantly on high alert. Which “allows the divorce to consume your life,” Dancy said. No wonder you’re stressed out and anxious.
This is where good boundaries come in. Because as Dancy said, “You are getting divorced to have less of this person’s influence in your life, remember? [T]he more involved you are in the conflict, the more you are still in a relationship with your ex.”
She shared these examples: A “divorce-free zone” might mean setting specific hours for dealing with your divorce—a time when you’re mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the necessary tasks. It also might mean turning off your phone and muting notifications.
Identify your goals—and use them to guide your actions.
What are your goals for your divorce? What are your desired outcomes? Dancy suggested creating a list of goals and priorities—and disregarding any irrelevant drama. For instance, your priorities or desired outcomes might be: “a workable pickup/drop-off schedule for a child, a desire to see the divorce end quickly and inexpensively, or [her favorite] an emphasis on restoring peace and boundaries in your life.”
The next time a conflict arises, ask yourself: Does it “increase or decrease my chances of achieving my ultimate goal?” This way, you: a) don’t get dragged into a trivial fight (and surround yourself with more chaos); and b) save your energy for what’s really important.
Asking the above question helps you “see outside of the anger or contention of the immediate, and make sure you are still heading in the direction you most want.”
Find moments of calm.
Find practices that help you calm down and unwind anytime, anywhere. For instance, Broz’s clients like the progressive muscle relaxation exercises from the Calm app for reducing anxiety and depression. You might search for meditation videos on YouTube, which you can watch before bed. You might listen to these self-compassionate guided meditations. Or you might start attending a weekly yoga class.
Figure out which type of communication you prefer.
How you communicate is another vital boundary you can set. For instance, you might “move communication to email so that you can be mentally prepared before approaching it, and…have the chance to proofread before sending,” Dancy said.
You also might stop texting with your ex. “It is often a source of conflict and contentious communication, running through late nights and ruining beautiful moments.”
Treat your ex like a challenging colleague.
With a challenging colleague, “you have to work together, but you don’t have to get personal,” Dancy said. Which means you respond to requests and concerns in a clear, professional manner, and disregard the rest, she said.
What does this look like? For instance, along with their text about picking up the kids, your ex includes a dig or two. Instead of getting sucked into yet another argument, you only respond to the part about pick-up arrangements, Dancy said.
And remember that it’s OK to seek support, which all of us need from time to time, whatever we’re going through. Especially a difficult divorce. “It can be highly beneficial for individuals to seek out a qualified therapist to help them navigate the murky, uncharted territory of a contentious divorce,” Broz said. Because your well-being is important. And whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to prioritize your health.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/09/05/5-suggestions-for-navigating-a-contentious-divorce/
Life can be a lot to deal with at times, here are a few ways that can help you handle the stress.
In our world of information overload, extraordinary expectations, catastrophes and more, it’s no wonder stress is wreaking havoc on people. Between the opiod epidemic, obesity numbers, and heart disease, it’s sad that while we’re one of the most developed nations in the world, we cannot seem to keep our people healthy. And make no mistake, this is a global crisis.
Here are 6 easy ways to reduce your stress levels:
Breathe. That’s right, simple and easy. Take deep breaths. Reconnect with the magic art of breathing. A simple technique that will help is a 5 second inhale, hold your breath for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds, hold your breath out for 5 seconds, and repeat. You can repeat 3 times for a 60 second breathing exercise that will immediately show results. Start getting up to 9 times through for 3 minutes and the benefits will amplify.
Be Present. Take Time. When I’m rushing around from appointment to appointment, I try to stop and take an extra moment before I walk into a session. It gives me time to block out all the distractions and be present for the client I’m working with. You can use your breathe, any sounds, music, your sense of touch. All of of those things will help you come back to the present if you’re preoccupied and unable to stay focused.
Laugh. One of the greatest stress relievers is laughter. Go watch some funny comedy or hang out with an old friend who makes you laugh. Go to a laughing yoga class. Something to give you a reason to be silly. Hang out with children and make them laugh, it’s contagious.
Meditate. I know, it can be a lofty thing, but it’s actually not all that difficult. The three fundamentals are simple. Sit with a straight spine, have an even, relaxed breath, and pick a focal point with your mind. Your focus can be the beach, the top of a mountain, your third eye center, anything that allows your chatty brain to come back to one point. Eventually, all the distractions will slow down. You’ll become more peaceful. Allow yourself time, this doesn’t happen over night. Meditation is a practice, but trust the process and you will reduce your cortisol levels.
Exercise. Yes, until I am blue in the face, I will remind you to exercise! Move your body 5-6 days a week. Everyday is fine too, but 3-4 days is not enough. The benefits are too great to go without. You’ll reduce stress, get stronger, be healthier, and yes, live longer. There is no excuse not to move.
Build a toolbox. This has been something I’ve been doing for over 30 years. I realized long ago that if I wanted to live a great life that I had to string together a whole bunch of really great experiences. Pretty simple, right?! Well, not as easy as it seems. It takes work and planning and consistency, and dedication. The more things you enjoy doing, the easier it will be to do things you enjoy. For instance, going to the movies, hanging out with my family, going for a run, walking on the beach, making love to my wife, spending time with friends, going for a bike ride, traveling, my list goes on and on! Yours should too!
I’ve found that in my life, the more things I found that I like to do, the more things I naturally seek out that are enjoyable. Now I find myself moving toward fun things to do, thus my stress levels are pretty low. When life throws a curve ball at me, I can handle it with the tools in my life tool box. Remember, I’m always here to help. Find me on social media @teddymcdonald.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/health/6-easy-ways-reduce-stress/
