10 Surprising Findings on Shared Parenting After Divorce or Separation

What is the most beneficial parenting plan for children after their parents separate or divorce? Are children better off living primarily or exclusively with one parent in sole physical custody (SPC) and spending varying amounts of time with their other parent? Or are their outcomes better when they live with each parent at least 35% of the time in a joint physical custody/shared parenting (JPC) family? Furthermore, is JPC beneficial when parents have high, ongoing conflict? In fact, isn’t shared parenting only chosen by, and suitable for, a very select group of parents—those with higher incomes, lower conflict, and more cooperative relationships who mutually and voluntarily agree to share from the outset?

To answer these questions, I reviewed 54 studies that compared children’s outcomes in shared and sole physical custody families independent of family income and parental conflict. In another recent study, I examined all the studies that compared levels of conflict and quality of co-parenting relationships between the two groups of parents. Ten findings emerged from my research, many of which refute commonly held beliefs that can lead to custody decisions that are often not in children’s best interests.

1. In the 54 studies—absent situations in which children needed protection from an abusive or negligent parent even before their parents separated—children in shared-parenting families had better outcomes than children in sole physical custody families. The measures of well-being included: academic achievement, emotional health (anxiety, depression, self-esteem, life satisfaction), behavioral problems (delinquency, school misbehavior, bullying, drugs, alcohol, smoking), physical health and stress-related illnesses, and relationships with parents, stepparents, and grandparents.

2. Infants and toddlers in JPC families have no worse outcomes than those in SPC families. Sharing overnight parenting time does not weaken young children’s bonds with either parent.

3. When the level of parental conflict was factored in, JPC children still had better outcomes across multiple measures of well-being. High conflict did not override the benefits linked to shared parenting, so JPC children’s better outcomes cannot be attributed to lower parental conflict.

4. Even when family income was factored in, JPC children still had better outcomes. Moreover, JPC parents were not significantly richer than SPC parents.

5. JPC parents generally did not have better co-parenting relationships or significantly less conflict than SPC parents. The benefits linked to JPC cannot be attributed to better co-parenting or to lower conflict.

6. Most JPC parents do not mutually or voluntarily agree to the plan at the outset. In the majority of cases, one parent initially opposed the plan and compromised as a result of legal negotiations, mediation, or court orders. Yet in these studies, JPC children still had better outcomes than SPC children.

7. When children are exposed to high, ongoing conflict between their parents, including physical conflict, they do not have any worse outcomes in JPC than in SPC families. Being involved in high, ongoing conflict is no more damaging to children in JPC than in SPC families.

8. Maintaining strong relationships with both parents by living in JPC families appears to offset the damage of high parental conflict and poor co-parenting. Although JPC does not eliminate the negative impact of frequently being caught in the middle of high, ongoing conflict between divorced parents, it does appear to reduce children’s stress, anxiety, and depression.

9. JPC parents are more likely to have detached, distant, and “parallel” parenting relationships than to have “co-parenting” relationships where they work closely together, communicate often, interact regularly, coordinate household rules and routines, or try to parent with the same parenting style.

10. No study has shown that children whose parents are in high legal conflict or who take their custody dispute to court have worse outcomes than children whose parents have less legal conflict and no custody hearing.

These findings refute a number of popular myths about shared parenting. One among many examples is a 2013 study from the University of Virginia that was reported in dozens of media outlets around the world under frightening headlines such as: “Spending overnights away from mom weakens infants’ bonds.” In the official press release, the researchers stated that their study should guide judges’ decisions about custody for children under the age of four. In fact, however, the study is not in any way applicable to the general population. The participants were impoverished, poorly-educated, non-white parents who had never been married or lived together, had high rates of incarceration, drug abuse, and violence, and had children with multiple partners. Moreover, there were no clear relationships between overnighting and children’s attachments to their mothers.

My review of 54 studies on shared parenting finds that, independent of parental conflict and family income, children in shared physical custody families—with the exception of situations where children need protection from an abusive or negligent parent—have better outcomes across a variety of measures of well-being than do children in sole physical custody. Knowledge and understanding of these findings allow us to dismantle some of the myths surrounding shared parenting so we can better serve the interests of the millions of children whose parents are no longer living together.

Source: https://ifstudies.org/blog/10-surprising-findings-on-shared-parenting-after-divorce-or-separation

Sanity and single motherhood

The other day my eight-year-old son caught me dancing in the bathroom. 'Not that you’d ever want to, but if you did that in a nightclub, you’d probably catch a man.' Hilarity filled the house, as it so often does. His daily pint-sized views on life generally guarantee that.
I’m pondering on our relationship and I reckon it’s pretty close. We’re bound by a mutual love of ‘Miranda‘, ‘Friends‘, ‘Impractical Jokers’ and absurd gags, all of which guarantee fun times aplenty (he recently divulged that his book of choice on ‘Desert Island Discs‘ would be a joke book – that’s my boy).

We are, of course, glued together by blood and the searing love that springs from it; and, for better or worse, we live this out against a backdrop of being a single-parent family. In this ‘buddy-free’ system, teamwork reigns supreme. As a result, we have what I’d say is a pretty tight mother-and-son unit.

But like many parents, these times are frequently punctuated by self-doubt as to whether I’m doing it right. ‘He hasn’t lost as many teeth as his friends: am I feeding him enough to ensure he’s growing properly?’ or ‘Is he happy at school or could he be happier if he went somewhere else?’.

Of course my other friends worry too, but for me the usual parenting angst is compounded by the fact that as well as being a single mum, I have bipolar too (mixed affective state, or ‘agitated depression’).

There are times when parenting is hard for everybody, even when you’re hunting in pairs. I get that. But parenting alone can be even harder. I’ve done both and I think the single variety is infinitely more arduous than the coupled version.

Of course, single-parenting comes in many ‘flavours’ and some people are single parents and love it (and would say they’re psychologically healthier as a result of being uncoupled). And not every single parent suffers psychologically as a result of rearing their children on their own.

But when you’re not always feeling 100 per cent, mental health-wise, it can be hard to feel that single parenting is working on any level.

When I’m having a ‘wobble’ – a zinging and terrifying mix of depression and agitation – every mundane task seems gargantuan and every decision I have to make on my own seems petrifying (I rang the milkman in a panic to cancel my milk during my last episode in case it built up on my doorstep and overran my house, such was my anxiety). I start drowning in a sea of excess responsibility and lone decision-making and wonder if this’ll be the last time I come up for air.

Last year, Harry Potter author JK Rowling talked about how, when she was a single mother, she was so depressed that she considered suicide, but was saved by thoughts of her daughter. When I’m not well, I understand where she’s coming from. Although he doesn’t know it, my son locks me into life.

But perhaps the thing I miss the most is the support that would be there for my son when I’m ill. I wish someone else who cares for him as much as I do was there to scoop him up and say, ‘Come on, shall we go to the park?’ so that I can fight tears and demons for a while without feeling there’s the possibility of handing him a sad memory to look back on in the future.

As it goes, he is amazingly compassionate, especially when I’m not well. Despite me insisting that I’m not his responsibility, that I can look after myself and that this ill phase will pass, he tells me it’s OK, that he wants to be there for me (‘because I love you’) and that there’s nothing that his solution of a hug, a box of tissues and a glass of milk poured out into a Lego tumbler can’t solve.

But of course, I still worry about him. I worry about the fine line between his compassion and adaptive behaviour – having to learn how to be that way because, let’s face it, he has no choice.

Statistically, it’s been shown that there’s a strong association between single parenting and poor mental health:

Single parenting is associated with poor mental health

Before you even take into account any pre-existing mental health issues, single parenting is associated with poor mental health. A 2007 study by Crozier, Butterworth and Rogers found that single mums like me are significantly more likely to have a moderate to severe mental disability, like me.

In fact, the study shows that prevalence of mental health issues in single mums is almost 30 per cent (i.e. one-third of us) compared to partnered mothers (around 15 per cent).

The study cites the main reasons for single mums having an increased risk of poor mental health as decreased household income, increased financial hardship and a perceived lack of social support.

Dr Ian Drever, consultant psychiatrist at The Priory Woking, says, 'I’m struck by what a lonely place single parenting can be, and relentlessly hard work. I had a single mum tell me very recently, "I’m tired of being strong… I just want someone to look after me".'

Poor mental health is associated with an increased likelihood of divorce

Not only that, but if you have a mental health condition, you are far more likely to divorce than if you don’t. A multi-national meta-study of mental disorders, marriage and divorce, published in 2011, looked at 18 mental disorders and found an increased likelihood of divorce, ranging from a 20 per cent increase to a staggering 80 per cent increase in the divorce rate.

Major depression and addictions were the highest factors, while post-traumatic stress disorder was also significant.

Single-parenting can increase rates of child mental health issues

It seems we all worry about our children’s mental health – research carried out by Action for Children in 2015 found that UK parents are more likely to worry about their children’s mental health than any other health issue – some 40 per cent said their children’s emotional wellbeing was a primary concern (47 per cent for mothers). But single mums like me may have more reason to be concerned than others.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) have found that children from single-parent families are twice as likely to suffer from mental health problems as those living with married parents – and it is boys whose parents had split up that had the highest rate of childhood mental illness.

The figures showed that one-fifth of those living with a divorced, separated or widowed parent suffered from at least one mental disorder compared to just eight per cent of boys living with married parents.

I also worry about bipolar in relation to my son – on my bad days I focus on his one in 10 chance of developing it, on my better days I figure he’s 90 per cent likely to be OK.

Catch 22

So it seems like it’s a case of catch 22. I had depression, which I know contributed to my divorce, and, now I’m a single mum, the risk of me becoming mentally unwell has risen. I’m not surprised – raising my son pretty much single-handedly, certainly making around 95 per cent of the decisions about his life on my own, hoping he’s OK whilst wondering how I’m going to be financially OK, does little to garner positive mental health.

It is utterly emotionally and physically exhausting, especially when I’m unwell (I’m just recovering from a two-week episode). Some people may find it a breeze, but for me, being a single mum can at times feel like swimming in my pyjamas with rocks in the pockets, drowning not waving and with no-one around to fish me out.

There isn’t enough help out there for single parents

The fact is, I don’t feel there’s enough help out there for single parents, and especially not single parents who have mental health issues.

Even though estimates suggest that around 50 per cent of parents with a severe and enduring mental illness live with one or more children under 18 (around 17,000 UK children and young people), the support for single parents like me just isn’t around. My local mental health trust doesn’t have anything. When I asked if there was a parenting group, all my psychiatrist could offer me was a gardening course.

Even mental health charities don’t seem to have anything I can tap into. I very much rely on other single-mum friends, who don’t have mental health problems, but understand the pressures of raising a child alone – that goes some way to helping. I’ve been trying to put feelers out in a bid to start my own group locally (with some help for those times when I’m sinking), but I’ve not got very far.

Gingerbread recently launched its Single Parents Decide campaign to shine a light on the issues that matter most to single parents as the May general election comes closer. And these include making childcare affordable and helping single parents take home a decent income.

I think there also ought to be a political commitment to help single parents with mental illness, whether it’s depression, OCD, eating disorders, bipolar, schizophrenia or anything else that makes single parenting even more arduous than it already is. I can’t help feeling that we are a whole subclass whose status of single-parenting whilst battling chronic ill health is like a societal powder keg waiting to explode.

The trouble is, I don’t think many politicians want to touch the topic of single-parenting, at least not in a positive way. For the most part, we aren’t economically powerful (and many think we are even an economic drain – a survey by the National Institute of Economic and Social Research once found that one-third of ex-wives end up in poverty after divorce. We are a group that often needs help).

So why bother trying to court our votes? Add mental health into the mix and we are, arguably, so niche as to be arcane. Mental health is, for politicians, marginally more fashionable than it used to be, single-parenting most definitely isn’t.

But the consequences of leaving single parents with mental health issues unsupported may be catastrophic, both for parents and children alike. As we approach May 7, I’ll be interested to see how mental health issues feature in the manifestos of the main political parties.
In the meantime – like many single parents with mental illness – I live in the hope that I’m doing it right, that my son will be fortified rather than felled by living with me and that, sooner or later, we’ll get the extra support that, as a family unit, we really need.

Source: https://www.psychologies.co.uk/sanity-and-single-motherhood

10 Positive Things I Got Out of My Divorce

When going through a divorce and after it’s final, it is easy to get caught up in all of the negativity. But here are 10 positive things that I got out of my divorce.

1. Holy [crap]! I survived!!

I filed! I fought! And I won! My divorce didn’t kill me, and even though at times it felt like it might, it didn’t.

The pain was real and at times completely overwhelming, but eventually it went away and has made me stronger than I was before. I actually feel alive!

When you are going through a divorce, it’s normal to feel bad about yourself…feeling like the ultimate failure…but you’re not. It takes two to marry and it takes two to divorce. Am I still bitter? Yep…sure am…but I’m stronger because of it.

2. My girls are strong, healthy, and happy.

My girls are strong, healthy, and happy despite the divorce. In fact, I believe that they are stronger, healthier, and happier because of the divorce. They don’t have to feel the tension anymore, hear the arguments, see mommy cry, or see their dad lose his temper and punch the wall.

Children are very resilient, overcoming situations much faster than adults and I think we need to give them more credit! Here is my #1 rule when talking about your ex in front of your kids: always speak nicely of the other parent, even if you hate them. This is an absolute must. I would like nothing more than to tell them that their dad is a self-absorbed asshole, but I don’t. They will learn the truth in time and even though they are still young, they see and understand things more than we realize. Kids are amazing!

3. I am not alone.

“I’m alone and I will die alone because my marriage is over.”  “No one will ever love me again.” These are just a couple of the thoughts I had during my divorce. But the truth is, I’m not alone, never was, and never will be. He left, I filed. It happened. But I have my two beautiful girls, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and even the old guy at the gas station that always stares at my boobs, so how could I even think that I was alone?!

It’s because I was the worst at reaching out and asking for help, but I soon learned that people all around us want to help, they just don’t know how until you tell them what you need. Don’t be afraid to open up to people! And remember, you lost one person in your life…look how many more are still around!

4. Life goes on.

Life goes on and you can do one of two things: you can either dwell in the past while feeling sorry for yourself, which I did for about a month OR, you can learn to live again. Life doesn’t stop just because we are hurting. Go out and experience everything that life has to offer you. Every story has an end but in life every ending is a new beginning.

5. There is sex after divorce.

Yes, I have had sex since my divorce! Yes, it was better than BOB (my battery operated boyfriend)! And yes, I plan on having much, much more! Sex is a great way to relieve stress and anxiety, to pump up your self-esteem, it’s good exercise, and it’s so much fun! Have you ever heard that expression, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else?” Tacky, but it’s not exactly false! Does it make you instantly get over your divorce? No, it doesn’t. But it does make you feel desirable and sexy, and after a divorce, who wouldn’t want to feel that way?

6. It’s OUR home now.

It’s our home…meaning my daughters and mine. Not his. No part of it is or ever will be his again. It’s very liberating to have the freedom to decorate in any way that you want and to do whatever you want without having to ask permission. You can buy pink throw pillows for the couch, eat off of purple plates, or host an all ladies poker party when your kids are with your ex. You can and should make your home into your own little cozy retreat.

7. I am brave.

When you are married, you feel safe. It’s your little world and nothing can burst your perfect little bubble. You might feel safer when you have a big, strong man there to fend off all the bad guys and shoot Bigfoot if he breaks into your house. Why is that? No offense to men, but why do we assume that a man can keep a home safer than a woman can? Want the truth? It’s a load of crap. I sleep with a gun by the bed, pretty sure that I can dial 911 faster than a man, and I’m handy with a baseball bat. So, I’m not afraid of being without a man to protect us because I can protect us just as well.

8. I know who my real friends are.

During and after a divorce, you quickly learn who your real friends are. There are the so-called “friends” that side with the ex and the real friends that stick by your side. This is a positive because it shows you who is really there for you, who you can count on, and who you never should’ve trusted in the first place. Delete them from your social media accounts and your life. You don’t need them! Stick with the people who make a positive influence on your life and genuinely care for you and your children.

9. I’m in control.

I’m the one in control now. In control of my life, my daughters’ lives, and the entire shebang! I choose what I do in my life, every single minute of every single day. I choose. I don’t have to ask permission to do the things I would like to do…I just do them. No one gets to talk down to me or treat me like crap again. NO ONE. And the feeling of having control over your life is wonderful. “FREEDOM” (imagine me shouting this like Mel Gibson does in ‘Braveheart’!)

10. Happiness makes a brighter future.

Once the tears stopped and the divorce fog started to clear, I could finally see the sunshine and blue skies ahead. I felt…happy! I seriously couldn’t even remember the last time that I felt actual happiness within myself.

My kids made me happy every day, but this was different. This was all me! Being happy opens your eyes to the future and what it could hold for you. The possibilities are endless! Well, I probably couldn’t drive up to NASA and join the astronaut program (I don’t look good in helmets), but my life is wide open to whatever kind of change comes my way.

Source: http://mariashriver.com/blog/2014/06/10-positive-things-i-got-out-of-my-divorce/

Backlash over mother who admits she loves freedom of co-parenting

An American mother has written an essay for online magazine Slate about her personal experience of co-parenting – and she's been inundated with negative feedback.

Mother of two and law professor Lara Bazelon, wrote ‘Confessions of a Part-Time Mom” and admitted that although divorce hits hard when young children are involved, part-time parenting has, “Turned into a strange kind of gift.”

And readers have lost their mind, calling her selfish, with one writing:

“I’m sure the author got the memo and it sounds like the divorce was much about having ‘me’ time.”

And another posting:

Or maybe that she is just supremely selfish…not a good idea when you are a parent… so I suppose it’s good she is only a part-time parent for her kids’ sake.”

Or this rather sarcastic comment from Joanie:

"Well, just so long as YOU're happy, that's what counts. That, of course, makes you believe that your kids must be happy too. Because if YOU loved it but your kids didn't, what would you do? That would be awkward. So, they MUST love it. And it must be the best thing for them. Because you like it. Good."

So apparently, although divorce may not even be your choice, a mother is not supposed to feel happy when she is away from her children but instead sit and wither away in pain, missing them every, single, second.

In her essay, Lara described the initial pain of shuttling her children between her and her ex-husband:

“Adding to my initial anger, disappointment, and shame about the end of the relationship was a heavy layer of guilt for forcing our children to trundle back and forth between us.”
Lara wrote that saying good-bye to her children was, “wrenching in a way that seemed to symbolize the larger demolishment of our family.”

But soon parenting part-time became her new normal, and Lara confessed:

“Here’s the truth: Having my two children half the time is exactly the right amount, and I cannot imagine my life any other way. Unhappily married in a 1,200-square-foot flat with two toddlers and an aggrieved spouse, I was physically and emotionally suffocated. Now the same space feels positively palatial, particularly when I am the only person in it.”

And admitting that life is better got readers in digital land hot under the collar.

'The writer seems very stuck in the moment, with little ability to have foresight. Conclusion: we need MORE selfishness,' wrote SAHD Champ on Twitter.

And this from Betsy Ingraham: 'This is a joke, right? You didn't mean to print a sociopath's article, right?'

Of course, Lara is not unaware of the expectation of how part-time mothers SHOULD feel, and goes on to discuss what a ‘good’ mother is supposed to experience.

“I know how I am supposed to feel about my divorced-parent reality. A good mother would be devastated to lose thousands of dinner-bath-bedtime-story evenings. A good mother would be heartsick to wake up alone. Deprived of her children full time, a good mother would feel sorrowful and bereft.”

“Not me. I rarely feel bad when my kids are with their father. For a while, I felt bad for not feeling bad. Finally, I realized what plenty of other divorced moms figured out long ago: Divorce suits us, and actually, it suits our kids. Staying together 'for the sake of the children' is not doing them any favors. Kids know everything.”

Being a co-parent myself, just like Lara, I have to admit I’ve had to search for the silver lining in this horrible situation of not being with my babies every single day too. Otherwise I would not have coped.

Lara's spot on when she confesses there’s no point feeling terrible when your kids are with their Dad – do you want to be miserable half your life?

Why must we completely lose our identity when we’re a mother – whether that’s a full-time or part-time mum? We are still a person too.

When people judge me I often wonder, are they envious of the me-time my part-time parenting forces me to have? And yes, I write 'forces' for a reason.

There are not many mothers who choose part-time parenting unless their are extenuating circumstances.

I never, ever would have chosen to be a part-time mother. I was torn apart when my ex left me with two children, but then demanded he see them half the time.

I'd been with them 90 percent of the time while he worked tirelessly and now I was supposed to cope without them half the holidays, half the school week and half my life?
I remember screaming in one of my many mummy meltdowns, “Why should I live my life seeing my children half the time?”

But – since those horrible days, I’ve realised how bloody miserable I was in that relationship. I’ve found myself again. I’m a better person, happier, more independent and guess what? I am a much more patient, loving mother who relishes every single second she has with her two babies.

So to all those parents or non-parents out there judging people like Lara and myself, for admitting a little me-time is lovely. Just think about the reality of divorce, co-parenting and shuttling kids back and forth and cut us co-parents some slack. We are making the best of a tough family set-up.

And remember, while we do get a break each week – when we do have our children, there is no emotional back-up and you have to be 100 percent focused on them on your days.

I've now learned to appreciate those little creatures and never, ever complain about parenting again.

And that, is the true silver lining. Don't take time with your little ones for granted. Ever. Because I used to - and it took losing half my time with them to realise what a precious gift motherhood really is.

Source:  http://honey.nine.com.au/2017/06/21/10/47/a-mother-admits-she-loves-the-freedom-of-co-parenting-and-breaks-internet#YVfLoZMzfw6I5pBM.99

Surviving (And Thriving!) The First Year As A Single Parent After Divorce

Take it from someone who has “been there, done that” – the year you become a single parent after divorce is one of the longest years of your life.

No matter how you become a single parent – whether through divorce, the death of a partner, or by choice – you need to be ready for a year that promises many emotional highs and lows, lots of self doubt, and making mistake after mistake; however, if you are the kind of single parent that is determined to make this year a good one for you and your kids – despite this major life change – then this year can also be a good one.

What?? Isn’t divorce supposed to promise doom and gloom for both you and your kids? You know – you made your bed, now lie in it kind of mentality?

You MUST be the kind of parent like me who refuses to helplessly watch her family slowly rot away into a severely sad state, or you wouldn’t be reading this blog right now. Good for you! Divorce does not have to equal messed up kids, a ruined life for you, or constant fighting with your ex.

Based on both my professional opinion and by my own personal experience, both you and your kids can thrive after a divorce.

Do you want to know the secret of how to do this? It’s not based on your income or how much your ex makes, or your gender, or your educational level. It doesn’t matter whether or not you share custody with your ex or even the ages of your kids!

The secret to whether or not you and your kids will survive a divorce is based on having a positive attitude, maintaining a warm relationship with your kids, and lots and lots of hard work.

Below is a list of 6 common challenges that often take place during the first year of becoming a single parent. In addition, I have included 6 solutions to address these common challenges, and if you are the kind of parent who wants what’s best for your kids (and for yourself, too – just because you become a single parent shouldn’t mean that YOU don’t matter anymore!), then make the effort to follow my advice.

#1: Your Self-Esteem Will Plummet (Only Temporarily!)

Challenge: During the first year of single parenthood, expect to question every decision you make.

It makes sense, right? You go from consulting with your partner from everything from childcare decisions to financial issues. Now its time to stretch your “decision muscle” and learn how to make your own decisions based on your own passions, values, and beliefs.

In addition, you might also feel unlovable, vulnerable, and lonely. Divorces, just like break-ups, play horrible games with our sense of self-worth. While it is normal to feel this way during the early stages of a divorce, do not let it define your new you.

Solution:  During this first year of being a single parent, find the courage within you to try new things and to explore new passions. Sure, you might find out that you hate pottery making, for instance, but you will have learned some valuable new insights about your new self. Try to tap into your pre-married self and discover hobbies that you haven’t thought about for years or have always wanted to try.

In addition, it is important that you do not try to solve extreme problems with shallow solutions. What I mean is, do not jump from one bad post-divorce relationship to another one just so you don’t have to feel lonely. Of course you will feel ugly and lonely right after a divorce and you will continue to feel this way no matter what relationship you are in until you work on YOU!!

Put the work into realizing how AMAZING you are so that the right partner will be attracted to you when the time is right.

#2: Other People Will Judge You

Challenge: People are mean. They like to judge other people for many different reasons; mostly, though, people judge others because it somehow makes them feel better about their own lives. These kinds of people tend to think along the lines of “My life sucks, but at least not as bad as theirs” and they find comfort in this.

Solution: You can’t change these people, but you can surround yourself with people who are supportive and positive. I once had a parent at my kids’ elementary school ask me how my kids were doing since the divorce. When I told her that, so far, they seemed to be adjusting well, she replied, “Well give it some time.” Wow! That went from concerned and caring to downright critical in no time flat!

When things like this happen, all you can do is move on and don’t dwell on these situations. These kinds of judgmental statements are more about that person who spoke them than they are about you, so just try to go about your day and forget about them.

#3: You WILL Make Mistakes and You WILL  Have Successes

Challenge: Single parenting is new to you and it involves a major learning curve. The only way to avoid making any mistakes is to avoid making any decisions at all! I can’t think of anything more useless for you and your kids than to sit back and not live life out of fear of making the wrong decision.

In contrast, you will also make some really great decisions that will make a positive impact on your family life. This is great when this happens because as you attempt new things and notice that you are making good decisions, you will also increase your confidence and your self-esteem.

Solution: Give yourself a break – don’t expect perfection. The only way to accumulate a scorecard of successful decisions is also by having made some not so great decisions. You can try to set up yourself for success by surrounding yourself with trusted family and friends who you can consult with regarding new decisions.  

#4: Your ex Will Make You Want to Scream

Challenge: You wouldn’t have made the hard to decision to divorce if you felt all warm and fuzzy all the time for your ex. The first year of single parenthood means that both you and your ex are figuring this new life out. That means that your ex will do things that will make you want to scream, and this is normal.

Solution: Through a multitude of patience, compromise, and hard work, chances are that you and your ex can, at some point, be on friendly terms. This is not going to be easy on you and will require great amounts of determination and perseverance on your end to inspire this kind of relationship to happen. Don’t give up on the hope that this relationship can develop. Your kids will be grateful to you for having the determination to help this relationship develop.

Of course, the exception to this recommendation is if your ex was abusive during the marriage, is a current addict, or suffers from a severe mental illness. In this case, you might need to have the courage to endure long court custody hearings, resolve to not get dragged into unnecessary drama created by your ex, or to be both a mom and dad for your child if your ex chooses not to have a healthy relationship with your kids.

#5: Expect That Your ex Will Have Different Rules at Their House

Challenge: Not only are you creating a new life as a single parent – so is your ex; therefore, expect some lifestyle changes by your ex. Maybe they always thought the family rule of not allowing the kids to see their “crazy” brother was stupid and now they take your kids to see him. Perhaps they let the kids go to bed at 11:00 at their house, but your rule is lights out at 9:00.

Solution: This difference in household rules is very common with divorced households and (believe it or not) kids CAN learn to handle different rules at different households. Of course, kids are prone to prefer the more lenient rules – they will probably also complain to you if your rules are more strict than your ex’s rules.That’s ok.

You are the boss of your household, so as long as your rules are reasonable and based on your personal passions, values, and beliefs, then your kids will learn to adjust to this.  

#6: Your Kids Will  Misbehave

Challenge: EVERY time your kid misbehaves or acts out, you will blame yourself (or you’ll blame your ex, which is a cop out in my opinion). Repeat this to yourself: every kid acts out – that’s part of being a kid!

Kids from traditional families, single families, divorced families, and gay families all misbehave at one time or another. No kid is perfect and sometimes the way kids learn is through making mistakes.

Remember that line from the Batman movie? You know, the one where Bruce Wayne’s father asks him why we fall? Bruce tells his dad that it’s so we can learn how to get back up. This lesson can be applied to our kids (they sometimes need to fail so they can learn to succeed) as well as to ourselves (we also learn how to parent through our mistakes).

Solution: Have a plan for when you kids misbehave. This plan should include:

• A warm explanation
• Clear expectations for behaviour
• Clear communication of consequences
• Consistency

Parent with purpose – if your attitude is positive (even if you do not feel like it in the moment) about the divorce, then your kids will be more likely to feel as if they can conquer this first year too

Take care of yourself! It’s ok to take time out for yourself. Go out with supportive friends, get a manicure, take a warm bath at night. This not only prepares you mentally and physically to take on new challenges during this first year, but it also models to you kids that taking care of yourself during hard times is a smart thing to do.

Let go of judgmental, negative family and friends and surround yourself (and often) with positive influences.

Address your kids’ needs as soon as possible. Don’t let small problems get out of control. If you kids need extra support with adjusting to the divorce, then be sure to get that support for them. There’s no shame in getting therapy, tutors, or simply just giving your kids extra attention during this adjustment period. It is irresponsible to ignore cries of help from your child.

Be the boss of your household – don’t hand over authority to your kids because you feel guilty about the divorce. They need you to lead them even if it seems like they think you are incompetent. Believe me, kids excel in putting up a tough front, but what they really want is for you to put your arms around them and tell them that everything is going to be ok. 

Recognize that you are doing the best you can. You’ve got this! Give yourself the credit you deserve.

Do not treat your kids as your peer, your therapist, or your quasi-partner. Let them be kids.

Have realistic expectations for the divorce, for your kids, and for yourself. If you set the bar too high, then you will always be frustrated and disappointed for not being perfect. No one is perfect.

The most important thing that you can do for your kids during this first year of single parenthood is to show them that you love them and care for them even when they feel out of control and confused.

You CAN  Do This!

If you follow my advice when you encounter any of the 6 common challenges that I discussed above, then you will set yourself up for success for being a single parent. Just remember that you can be a great single parent. We all have unique challenges specific to our individual divorces and/or situations, and that simply means that we need to be flexible (and sometimes creative) when handling these challenges.    

Tips to Help Your First Year Start Off in the Right Direction

As I said in the opening paragraph, my kids and I have survived (and thrived!) as a Modern Family who has experienced divorce and your family can too. You might be doubting whether or not you can really pull this off, but I know you can.

Keep coming back to Parenting The Modern Family for more tips and insights as you navigate the adventure of Modern Parenting. Contact me either in the comment section below or through my email to let me know what challenges you are facing as a Modern Parent. I also want to hear about your successes – I love celebrating with my readers!

Source: http://www.parentingthemodernfamily.com/surviving-thriving-first-year-single-parent-2/