How to not buy into feeling like a failure when your marriage ends
Have you ever heard anyone utter these words regarding divorce?
“I have two failed marriages.”
“How can you be so selfish?”
“We’re staying together for the kids.”
“But, we love each other. Why can’t we make it work?”
“But, you’re the perfect couple. Why couldn’t you make it work?”
“People who get divorced are afraid of intimacy.”
“I would never get divorced.”
The list could go on.
In our culture, we have so many preconceived notions about marriage and divorce—many, if not most, are unconscious. These beliefs include a soul-mate mentality (having to marry “The One”), and the idea that there’s something wrong with someone who cannot find or keep “The One.”
That’s a lot of pressure! In a time when we have so much choice, are these beliefs still pertinent? Or has the time come to stop and take a good hard look at what we’re doing?
In 2014, my, The New I Do, co-author, Vicki Larson, and I started what we called, “The Occupy Marriage Movement.” This wasn’t a message about whether or not gays and lesbians should have the right to marry (of course they should!), rather it was a call to action to stop all the shaming and blaming we do to those who don’t fit into the “one-size-fits-all” mold we call matrimony.
Take my friend, Brett. He is well into his 60’s and he’s never been married. Onlookers are quite sure that there’s something terribly wrong with him because clearly, he can’t commit. But he not only can commit, he does every time he’s in relationship (a state he’s in often!). Brett told me quite matter-of-factly one day, “I just don’t see the point of marriage but when I’m in relationship, I’m monogamous and devoted to my partner.”
Why does society make him wrong? Why is there only one acceptable way to form partnerships?
In my work with divorcing people, I see the tremendous fallout from shame people are subjected to. One woman told me the reason she never dated after her divorce was that she felt like “damaged goods,” even though the divorce was not her fault (her ex was an alcoholic and a rage-aholic). In her case, it was a sign of good mental health and self-preservation that she got out of that relationship. Yet, she couldn’t view it in any way other than that she had “failed” to keep the marriage together.
Last year, I came across a book that spoke to me in a big way because it carried the same message I’d been trying to get out there about letting go of our righteous indignation when others don’t do what they’re “supposed to” in the mating arena.
It’s called, Sacred Cows: The Truth About Divorce and Marriage, by Danielle Teller, MD, and Astro Teller, PhD. Both authors had been married and divorced prior to meeting and marrying each other. They compared notes and found that they’d had similar shaming experiences following their dissolutions. They began to talk to others who’d also been given grief by well-meaning friends and relatives. As they say in the book, these [attitudes] of condemnation “add unnecessary pain to a situation that is already plenty painful.”
article continues after advertisement
Sacred Cows pushes back and mocks the mockers! Each chapter outlines the behavior of a different attitude that they call “cows.” There are seven:
The Holy Cow: This person is especially righteous and unforgivingly rigid stating simply, marriage is always good and divorce is always bad. (Must be a Holstein – only seeing in black or white!)
The Expert Cow: Every problem a couple has can be fixed and therefore, if the couple divorces, it is undoubtedly because they didn’t try hard enough.
The Selfish Cow: Those who divorce are immature and selfish. Period. They will tell you that you have to compromise and lose yourself in service of the couple-ship. They will also say that you didn’t try hard enough to be in relationship if your marriage ends in divorce.
The Defective Cow: There’s something wrong with you because you couldn’t keep your mate. If I make you doubt yourself enough, maybe you’ll conform and be “normal.” (I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 43 and I can attest to the pressure I felt when people would say to me, “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you married?”)
The Innocent Victim Cow: These folks will spout the endless studies that “prove” how divorce harms children. They will advocate for the poor kids who, they believe, should stay in the home where the parents tear each other down and continue to be subjected to unhealthy relationship patterns. One advantage of bringing up kids who see marriage as a battlefield is that they will develop a high tolerance for bad behavior from their mate and will stay and suffer just like their parents did. But at least they’ll be married!
The One True Cow: This is the most romantic of the models and it’s the attitude that has done the greatest disservice to young men and women everywhere (luckily, Millennials aren’t buying into this ideal so much these days). There’s such a tremendous buildup to finding this one true love that when the trivialities of life and the billions of dashed expectations emerge (as they invariably will), the self-doubt it propagates is astounding.
article continues after advertisement
And, finally, The Other Cow: which states that no one should ever leave a marriage for another person. If you do, you are evil, weak, commit-a-phobic and a player.
So, what’s wrong with all these attitudes? In a word, presumption. They do not account for the many variables people encounter in their own unique relationship. We can never know what goes on behind closed doors. Like the neighbors I had years ago that clearly loved each other and used to delight in telling us how they met. They dressed alike and went everywhere together. They even looked and talked alike.
One day, they knocked on our door unexpectedly and asked if they could talk to us. They came in, sat down, and announced that they were splitting up. I literally got teary eyed—not because I thought they “shouldn’t” get divorced, but because it really threw me for a loop (Me! A therapist who specializes in divorce!). I thought they were so happy together.
It turns out the woman had been having an illicit affair for years and when confronted by her husband, she refused to give her paramour up. They just couldn’t come to an agreement about this so they parted ways. It happens.
This “perfect couple” that I made assumptions about was not so perfect after all.
One reason we shame people is because we are sad and don't want nice people to split up.
Another reason is because we want couples to obey “the status quo” so we know what to expect. If marriage is between a man and a woman and it lasts (happily) for a lifetime, then we feel safer. If marriage is open to gays and lesbians, if it only lasts five years, if it’s for any reason other than love, we stop being predictable and, therefore, we stop feeling safe. But sticking to an old, outdated script, and being safe are not the same thing and, in fact, they are much more likely to be opposing forces.
There’s no question that divorce can be hard on many people (not the least of whom are the kids), but the time has come to stop adding layers of shame to the pain.
I’ll leave you with a quote from an article (link is external) the Sacred Cows authors wrote recently:
“When divorce represents a couple’s best chance at future love and happiness, let’s imagine a world where empathy and support trump our old-fashioned concepts.”
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201603/shame-you-getting-divorce
Great emotion and some difficulty is to be expected.
A friend of mine told me last week that his marriage of 12 years was ending in divorce. I was quite surprised, as his marriage looked like one that was healthy, happy, and successful. He and his wife had the nice house, the three children, and the vacations to exotic places. He had a stable and high paying job, and his wife wore the nicest of clothing.
Yet, like so many marriages, his one was not as healthy and as happy as it appeared on the surface.
According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, the divorce rate in America has decreased the past few years, with a rate of 16.9 out of every 1,000 marriages ending in divorce. Yet, despite the fact that the divorce rate has decreased in the United States, it still happens, and marriages do end. For those children who are caught in the middle of a divorce, their young lives are forever changed; forever altered. Indeed, it is often that the children suffer the most when their parents chose divorce. Research points out that children from divorced families many times suffer academically, with lower grades in school. Furthermore, studies also indicate that children from divorced families are more likely to engage in drugs and early alcohol use.
Many times, parents in the midst of a divorce turn to mediation as a means to settling differences with a third party when the couple is unable to do so by themselves. Certainly, there are times when a divorce mediator might be necessary, for all involved. Yet, it is not always the solution. To be sure, there are times when it might not be necessary to hire a mediator. Mediators do not necessarily look out for the best interest of those who hired them, as the mediator’s job is to act as a neutral third party. Along with that, mediation can be costly, and does not guarantee that your problems and challenges will be relieved, or that the case will be settled.
As noted earlier, the divorce rate in our nation has decreased, yet divorce is still a reality, both for parents and children alike. A reality that is, for so many families, one that is filled with great emotion and with difficulty.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/what-to-consider-during-a-divorce-bbab/
It’s completely normal to feel like your world has been turned upside down after going through a divorce. There is a plethora of emotions to work through, your living conditions are different, and even your daily routine has been completely altered. Life as you knew it will just never be the same.
Healing from a divorce and eventually moving on with your life takes time and effort. Here are five things to do to help you get back on track after your divorce.
Seek counselling
Regardless of the reason for your divorce, getting counselling during and after your divorce can help you process through the losses and work through your emotions. Counselling can help bring about resolution and get you through a time that is completely devastating. Divorce counselling can help you get back in control of your life and make sound decisions about your future. Find someone you trust who specializes in divorce counselling.
Spend time alone
Don’t jump right back into dating immediately following a divorce. Take time to rediscover your passions and interests. When you have been a part of a pair for so long it’s easy to forget who you are as an individual. The relationship likely changed you as a person. Spending time on your own will help you figure out who you are when you aren’t attached to anyone else.
Create a new financial plan
Getting a divorce dramatically changes your financial situation. Your income, savings accounts, retirement plan, and spending looks completely different after a divorce. Once things are final and you are on your own, get your finances organized and create a new financial plan for yourself. Set up new savings and retirement accounts if you need to, create a monthly budget, and implement any lifestyle changes you may have to make in order to live within your new means. Being in control of your finances is one thing you can have complete control over during this time.
Do things for yourself
Living as a couple for so long meant that you had to make compromises and sacrifices frequently. Now that you’re free, go out and do some of the things you wanted to while you were married but that your partner held you back from. Maybe you could never eat red meat because of his high cholesterol levels or maybe she hated it when you wore a certain shirt. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do for awhile, just because you can.
Find support
Chatting with friends who have been through the divorce process and can relate to you can help immensely. Get together with them regularly for emotional support. There are also online support groups where you can connect with other divorcees any time of day and get support in a judgment-free zone. Talking about your feelings with others who have been down a similar road can be healing.
Going through a divorce can be an extremely difficult process. Taking care of yourself and getting support from family, friends and counselling can help you heal and move on with your life. It takes tools and resources to survive and thrive after a divorce, so utilize all that you can. You will get through it and can discover a whole new life after divorce.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/27/five-things-to-do-after-your-divorce-to-help-you-thrive/
Opportunity. We all love that word. It is a word that inspires hope, as well as something we can wish upon to make our lives better. It is a single event that will smash into us, enlighten us, and take us away on its fluffy-feathered wings where we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not the case for most of us.
What real opportunities are
Real opportunities are like the sales people that knock on our door, or call us while we eat dinner at night. We don’t want to open the door because we are irritated, we think we know how it is going to pan out, or we are too scared to say ‘no’ when they ask us a question. Real opportunities are the ones that we don’t immediately see. They come by at the most unexpected, mostly inopportune, times. We are so obsessed with other distractions or our own opinions that we normally miss the majority of opportunity that falls across our path.When we do see opportunities, we treat them the same way as we treat the inappropriate sales people – with disdain and a bad attitude. Our attitude when opportunity presents itself determines whether that opportunity will make our lives better.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
How many times have you been offered a new job, to go out on a date, or even to go skydiving? How many times have you said no? Probably more times than you have said yes.
Spark an idea
All of these occurrences are opportunities. The opportunity to experience something new, something different, something more. You would never ask someone else out on a date, or go skydiving by yourself – ok, maybe you would, but it wouldn’t be as soon, unexpected, or awesome.
Wouldn’t you like to experience more, earn more money, or simply be happier? We all want that, but aren’t necessarily ready to take the risks by ourselves. Sometimes we haven’t even thought about doing something until someone or something prompts us.
That prompt initiates the spark of an idea in our heads where it eventually barrels through into our forethought like an avalanche. Sometimes it can take months to gather the courage to go for it, sometimes it is only a matter of seconds.
Take a chance
We need to become yes-people (almost). Say yes when you perceive these prompts. Say yes to new life. Say yes to experience. Don’t say yes to everything, though, saying yes to every opportunity will burn you out completely. Trust your gut, it will take you down the path that is right for you.
Taking opportunities can be scary, some of them definitely are. To achieve anything in life, we need to take a chance. The beauty of taking chances, is that anything can happen. You might fall, get hurt, or be embarrassed, but what if you could experience something that is completely mind-blowing and changes your life forever.
Stop and Think
The next time someone offers for you to go out for a social event, a job offer, or a free ticket to Europe – stop and think. Your usual answer is ‘no’, but what if this time you say ’yes’. This time, go forth with the intention to learn, to experience, to enjoy.
“I’d rather have a life of ‘oh wells’ than ‘what ifs’.” – Unknown
Know vs wonder
When I think back over the chances I have taken when opportunity presented itself, I am content in the knowledge that I know what it feels like to live in both a city centre and a suburb; I know what it means to ask someone’s hand in marriage; and I know how to handle high-pressure situations at the office.
I am happy I took those opportunities rather than forever wondering what it would be like to live in the city, or whether she would say ‘yes’ to me, or wonder if I have what it takes to handle pressure.
By taking opportunities you can change your wondering to knowing. You can feel at ease knowing that you at least tried, knowing that you at least took the chance at the opportunity – not knowing what the outcome may be.
“Not trying is the only true failure.” – Unknown
Source: https://motivationgrid.com/take-advantage-opportunities-life/
Laws that mandate equal parenting time are not always in children's best interest.
The November 2014 elections included a North Dakota voter initiative emblematic of the vigorous debate taking place nationwide about child custody.
The “Parental Rights Initiative” required courts to award “equal parenting time” to both parents after divorce or separation. The measure was defeated by a sizeable margin (62% to 38%) but it represents only the latest round in a combustible campaign to change how child custody cases are decided.
A history of child custody (in a nutshell)
Colonial Americans followed the English common law rule that upon divorce the father retained custody of his children. Fathers had the right to the physical custody, labor and earnings of their children in exchange for supporting, educating, and training them to earn their own livelihoods or, in the case of girls, marry a man who would support them.
Colonial mothers, though deemed worthy of honor and deference, were not endowed with legally enforceable parental rights.
This paternal preference continued well into the 19th century. In fact, the 1848 Women’s Rights Convention in Seneca Falls – the first women’s rights convention – listed the fathers’ automatic custody rule among its principal complaints. But women began gaining the upper hand as our legal system dealt with two cultural transformations: the industrial revolution’s remaking men into marketplace wage earners and the emergence of a “separate sphere” for women as domestic caregivers.
By the early 20th century, motherhood had attained near-mythical status. Under the “tender years” presumption, custody of young children was almost exclusively awarded to mothers upon divorce.
It took a social revolution to unseat the tender years doctrine and replace it with gender-neutral custody standards.
Mounting divorce rates in the 1960s and ensuing decades provoked a lively debate about parental roles and custody issues. The movement for gender equality, along with the rise of fathers’ rights groups, called attention to the importance of both parents in the care of children at the same time as loosening the link between gender and parental roles.
The end of formal rules dictating a result favoring one parent over the other led to the adoption of a more inclusive but less definitive standard of deciding custody cases based on the “best interests of the child.” This standard opened up the possibility of excessive judicial discretion as well as a threat of inconsistency in the results, resulting in hotly contested custody battles.
From the rule of one to the sharing of custody
No matter how child custody was determined, one rule continued to be ironclad: custody was indivisible. After a marital breakup, only one parent could properly raise the children, with the other parent entitled merely to visiting rights. Until the late 20th century, courts regularly refused to allow divorcing parents to share custody. The dominant view was that after divorce a child needed the full time stability of a home run by one parent.
The greater social and legal acceptance of shared custody in recent decades came about when parents began shouldering more equal parenting responsibilities. State legislatures, courts, and parents themselves began to value the opportunity for a child to continue a strong and meaningful relationship with both parents. The new approach sought to avoid treating one parent as merely a visitor, and to reduce the trauma of marital dissolution for children. Sharing custody also became a way to circumvent the brutal dynamics of adversarial child custody litigation.
An important 2014 study shows that child custody norms are significantly changing in the 21st century, with the proportion of parents sharing custody rising dramatically. In fact, we reached a major milestone in the past decade: for the first time since the mid-19th century, custodial arrangements that did not provide sole custody to mothers constituted a majority.
The vocabulary of child custody is also adapting to shared parenting.
“Decision making” and “parenting time” are replacing “legal custody” and “physical custody.” The modern terms reflect a cultural pivot toward mutual child rearing responsibilities rather than declaring a winner and a loser. On balance, then, it appears that our society has adapted the best-interest-of-the-child standard to provide some variant of shared custody. In custody cases today, both parents increasingly enjoy significant, though not necessarily equal, amounts of parenting time.
The problem with presumptions, and a better alternative
Legally enforceable presumptions, such as the one proposed and rejected in North Dakota or the one that the Governor of Minnesota vetoed in 2012, are problematic. An equal parenting presumption shifts the starting point for a custody determination from the child’s best interests to how the parents will divide the 168 hours in a week so that each parent handles half the child rearing.
A 50/50 presumption alters the critical issue from what’s best for the child to how we can treat the parents equally. That’s not the same question at all. A legal presumption of equal parenting time effectively converts the current focus on the child’s welfare to a best-interests-of-the-parents standard.
There is another alternative, better than having a judge decide the child’s best interests and far better than a legal presumption.
In the past few years, separating and divorcing parents have begun taking matters into their own hands by crafting “parenting plans” for their children. These blueprints for post-divorce child rearing allocate parenting time and decision-making authority for each child, depending on the child’s particular needs and circumstances. A good parenting plan also sets out dispute resolution options (such as mediation or a parenting coordinator) for the inevitable time when the parents will face unanticipated child rearing problems.
Many states — Arizona is a leader on the issue — are redefining the issue of parenting after divorce from a demand for custody by one parent to a requirement that both parents work together to create a “parenting plan.” These plans further the public policy goal that children have frequent and continuing contact with both parents, and that both share in the responsibilities of raising their children.
Parenting plans may be crafted from scratch, or they may be customized from a menu of templates and sample plans available from court or private organization websites. Parents often negotiate these plans by themselves, with the help of a mediator, or through counsel. The plans should be flexible but fairly detailed, describing each parent’s area of responsibility in providing for the child’s residential and physical care as well as emotional well being, both at the time the plan goes into effect and as the child ages and matures.
Unlike a court custody order, a parenting plan can include mechanisms to adjust to children’s developmental changes as they age and to other significant family transformations.
Parenting plans are homemade custody resolutions, and courts remain a last resort for deciding contested custody cases. But the parenting plan movement is providing approaches towards sharing custody more in keeping with child development research and less likely to lead to further damaging litigation.
The failed North Dakota “equal parenting time” initiative sought a rigid resolution of the most sensitive issue after divorce: how can parents who no longer live together continue to raise their children.
Our society is gradually adopting shared parenting by choice, not by mathematical formula. We should encourage the movement toward parenting plans rather than legal briefs, mediation rather than litigation, and sharing the parenting rather than dividing the child.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/11/14/no-children-should-not-spend-equal-time-with-their-divorced-parents/?utm_term=.a4023e9a4b16
Are you waiting for life events to turn out the way you want so that you can feel more positive about your life? Do you find yourself having pre-conditions to your sense of well-being, thinking that certain things must happen for you to be happier? Do you think there is no way that your life stresses can make you anything other than “stressed out” and that other people just don’t understand? If your answer is “yes” to any of these questions, you might find yourself lingering in the land of negativity for too long!
The following are some tips to keep positive no matter what comes your way. This post will help you stop looking for what psychologists call “positivity” in all the wrong places! Here are the ten essential habits of positive people.
1. Positive people don’t confuse quitting with letting go.
Instead of hanging on to ideas, beliefs, and even people that are no longer healthy for them, they trust their judgement to let go of negative forces in their lives. Especially in terms of relationships, they subscribe to The Relationship Prayer which goes:
I will grant myself the ability to trust the healthy people in my life …
To set limits with, or let go of, the negative ones …
And to have the wisdom to know the DIFFERENCE!
2. Positive people don’t just have a good day – they make a good day.
Waiting, hoping and wishing seldom have a place in the vocabulary of positive individuals. Rather, they use strong words that are pro-activeand not reactive. Passivity leads to a lack of involvement, while positive people get very involved in constructing their lives. They work to make changes to feel better in tough times rather than wish their feelings away.
3. For the positive person, the past stays in the past.
Good and bad memories alike stay where they belong – in the past where they happened. They don’t spend much time pining for the good ol’ daysbecause they are too busy making new memories now. The negative pulls from the past are used not for self-flagellation or unproductive regret, but rather productive regret where they use lessons learned as stepping stones towards a better future.
4. Show me a positive person and I can show you a grateful person.
The most positive people are the most grateful people. They do not focus on the potholes of their lives. They focus on the pot of gold that awaits them every day, with new smells, sights, feelings and experiences. They see life as a treasure chest full of wonder.
5. Rather than being stuck in their limitations, positive people are energized by their possibilities.
Optimistic people focus on what they can do, not what they can’t do. They are not fooled to think that there is a perfect solution to every problem, and are confident that there are many solutions and possibilities. They are not afraid to attempt new solutions to old problems, rather than spin their wheels expecting things to be differentthis time. They refuse to be like Charlie Brown expecting that this timeLucy will not pull the football from him!
6. Positive people do not let their fears interfere with their lives!
Positive people have observed that those who are defined and pulled back by their fears never really truly live a full life. While proceeding with appropriate caution, they do not let fear keep them from trying new things. They realize that even failures are necessary steps for a successful life. They have confidence that they can get back up when they are knocked down by life events or their own mistakes, due to a strong belief in their personal resilience.
7. Positive people smile a lot!
When you feel positive on the inside it is like you are smiling from within, and these smiles are contagious. Furthermore, the more others are with positive people, the more they tend to smile too! They see the lightness in life, and have a sense of humor even when it is about themselves. Positive people have a high degree of self-respect, but refuse to take themselves too seriously!
8. People who are positive are great communicators.
They realize that assertive, confident communication is the only way to connect with others in everyday life. They avoid judgmental, angry interchanges, and do not let someone else’s blow up give them a reason to react in kind. Rather, they express themselves with tact and finesse. They also refuse to be non-assertive and let people push them around.They refuse to own problems that belong to someone else.
9. Positive people realize that if you live long enough, there are times for great pain and sadness.
One of the most common misperceptions about positive people is that to be positive, you must always be happy. This can not be further from the truth. Anyone who has any depth at all is certainly not happy all the time. Being sad, angry, disappointed are all essential emotions in life. How else would you ever develop empathy for others if you lived a life of denial and shallow emotions? Positive people do not run from the gamut of emotions, and accept that part of the healing process is to allow themselves to experience all types of feelings, not only the happy ones. A positive person always holds the hope that there is light at the end of the darkness.
10. Positive person are empowered people – they refuse to blame others and are not victims in life.
Positive people seek the help and support of others who are supportive and safe.They limit interactions with those who are toxic in any manner, even if it comes to legal action and physical estrangement such as in the case of abuse. They have identified their own basic human rights, and they respect themselves too much to play the part of a victim. There is no place for holding grudges with a positive mindset. Forgiveness helps positive people become better, not bitter.
How about you? How many habits of positive people do you personally find in yourself? If you lack even a few of these 10 essential habits, you might find that the expected treasure at the end of the rainbow was not all that it was cracked up to be. How could it — if you keep on bringing a negative attitude around?
I wish you well in keeping positive, because as we all know, there is certainly nothing positive about being negative!
Source: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/the-10-essential-habits-of-positive-people.html
Working as a financial planner for the past 13 years, I have learned that financial freedom often means many different things to different people.
For some, it means having no debt. For others, it means being able to live comfortably off the income generated by a nest egg.
For a new client of mine—recently divorced and facing the task of managing her finances for the first time in a decade—it means taking control. After years of deferring financial responsibilities to her now-ex-husband, financial independence is at the top of her list.
Let’s examine her step-by-step journey towards financial freedom. It’s a process that could easily apply to others who find themselves in a similar position:
1. Start Today.
No more procrastinating and no more excuses. By starting sooner rather than later, my client is able to take advantage of time and compound returns — a powerful combination for building wealth. This first step is sometimes the most difficult to take. It requires making a personal commitment to take action, but once it’s done the rest can come together more easily.
2. List Your Goals.
My client and I discussed her three top goals: (1) preparing for her retirement, (2) paying off the mortgage on her house, and (3) creating a substantial travel fund that will allow her to see the world. We ranked each of her goals in the context of her needs, wants and wishes. Identifying goals helps an individual better understand how realistic they are, and what is needed to achieve them.
3. Have a Plan.
Next, we created a formal, written financial plan that includes each of her stated objectives and an investing program, based on her income, specific to achieving each goal. After all, a goal without a plan is just a wish.
4. Automate Savings.
It’s important to pay yourself first when you save. One of the easiest ways to do this is through an automated program that helps you to save and invest consistently during both good times and bad. For my client, we set up automated withdrawals from her checking account to be directed into her investment accounts immediately following paydays, thereby minimizing the behavioral barriers and inertia often associated with manually monitoring a budget.
5. Focus on What Can Be Controlled.
Don’t get caught up in the hype of the moment or what the financial cable news programs are reporting each day. That's a recipe for making emotional, reactionary decisions. Instead of worrying about all the things outside of her control, my client decided to focus on her goals and the plan we created to help her get there.
6. Invest in Yourself.
My client saw this new chapter in her life as the perfect opportunity to invest in herself. After delaying her own education for years, she enrolled in evening courses at a local university to improve her skills, her career prospects and, ultimately, her earning potential and future savings. One of the positive outcomes of this step is that it can build up greater self-esteem and confidence. In fact, attending her first class “was such an empowering experience," my client told me.
7. Live Within Your Means.
As my client’s living situation and routines were changing drastically, so were her expenses. We took the opportunity to review and manage her budget so that her monthly expenses remained below her take-home pay. With lingering legal fees, credit cards, education expenses, and a mortgage, paying off debt requires spending less than you earn. While this was quite a lifestyle shock at first, creating responsible new spending habits and accepting how to live within her means was a priority.
8. Manage Risk.
An emergency fund that offers accessible cash reserves along with sufficient insurance coverage can protect you and your loved ones against loss or an unexpected event. For my client’s specific situation, we determined that maintaining a cash reserve to cover six months of expenses in a conservative investment account would offer her the cushion she needed for peace of mind.
9. Monitor Your Portfolio.
Given her divorce, my client’s investment portfolio and overall asset allocation needed to be updated. Other major events that could trigger review and adjustment of a financial plan include getting married, switching jobs, buying a home, dealing with a health crisis, and entering retirement. Together, we committed to regularly reviewing and updating my client’s portfolio to keep it aligned with her objectives, risk tolerance, and time horizon.
10. Get a Fresh Perspective.
Find ways to recharge your batteries. My client, for example, plans to take a monthlong trip overseas and use that break to think about what matters most. After all, that’s what financial freedom is all about.
Source: http://time.com/money/4041567/steps-financial-recovery-divorce-tips/
