TWENTY-FOUR years ago this month, my wife and I married in Barcelona, Spain. Two weeks after our wedding, flush with international idealism, I had the bright idea of sharing a bit of American culture with my Spanish in-laws by cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner.
Easier said than done. Turkeys are not common in Barcelona. The local butcher shop had to order the bird from a specialty farm in France, and it came only partially plucked. Our tiny oven was too small for the turkey. No one had ever heard of cranberries.
Over dinner, my new family had many queries. Some were practical, such as, “What does this beast eat to be so filled with bread?” But others were philosophical: “Should you celebrate this holiday even if you don’t feel grateful?”
I stumbled over this last question. At the time, I believed one should feel grateful in order to give thanks. To do anything else seemed somehow dishonest or fake — a kind of bourgeois, saccharine insincerity that one should reject. It’s best to be emotionally authentic, right? Wrong. Building the best life does not require fealty to feelings in the name of authenticity, but rather rebelling against negative impulses and acting right even when we don’t feel like it. In a nutshell, acting grateful can actually make you grateful.
For many people, gratitude is difficult, because life is difficult. Even beyond deprivation and depression, there are many ordinary circumstances in which gratitude doesn’t come easily. This point will elicit a knowing, mirthless chuckle from readers whose Thanksgiving dinners are usually ruined by a drunk uncle who always needs to share his political views. Thanks for nothing.
Beyond rotten circumstances, some people are just naturally more grateful than others. A 2014 article in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience identified a variation in a gene (CD38) associated with gratitude. Some people simply have a heightened genetic tendency to experience, in the researchers’ words, “global relationship satisfaction, perceived partner responsiveness and positive emotions (particularly love).” That is, those relentlessly positive people you know who seem grateful all the time may simply be mutants.
But we are more than slaves to our feelings, circumstances and genes. Evidence suggests that we can actively choose to practice gratitude — and that doing so raises our happiness.
This is not just self-improvement hokum. For example, researchers in one 2003 study randomly assigned one group of study participants to keep a short weekly list of the things they were grateful for, while other groups listed hassles or neutral events. Ten weeks later, the first group enjoyed significantly greater life satisfaction than the others. Other studies have shown the same pattern and lead to the same conclusion. If you want a truly happy holiday, choose to keep the “thanks” in Thanksgiving, whether you feel like it or not.
How does all this work? One explanation is that acting happy, regardless of feelings, coaxes one’s brain into processing positive emotions. In one famous 1993 experiment, researchers asked human subjects to smile forcibly for 20 seconds while tensing facial muscles, notably the muscles around the eyes called the orbicularis oculi (which create “crow’s feet”). They found that this action stimulated brain activity associated with positive emotions.
If grinning for an uncomfortably long time like a scary lunatic isn’t your cup of tea, try expressing gratitude instead. According to research published in the journal Cerebral Cortex, gratitude stimulates the hypothalamus (a key part of the brain that regulates stress) and the ventral tegmental area (part of our “reward circuitry” that produces the sensation of pleasure).
It’s science, but also common sense: Choosing to focus on good things makes you feel better than focusing on bad things. As my teenage kids would say, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” In the slightly more elegant language of the Stoic philosopher Epictetus, “He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not, but rejoices in what he has.”
In addition to building our own happiness, choosing gratitude can also bring out the best in those around us. Researchers at the University of Southern California showed this in a 2011 study of people with high power but low emotional security (think of the worst boss you’ve ever had). The research demonstrated that when their competence was questioned, the subjects tended to lash out with aggression and personal denigration. When shown gratitude, however, they reduced the bad behavior. That is, the best way to disarm an angry interlocutor is with a warm “thank you.”
I learned this lesson 10 years ago. At the time, I was an academic social scientist toiling in professorial obscurity, writing technical articles and books that would be read by a few dozen people at most. Soon after securing tenure, however, I published a book about charitable giving that, to my utter befuddlement, gained a popular audience. Overnight, I started receiving feedback from total strangers who had seen me on television or heard me on the radio.
One afternoon, I received an unsolicited email. “Dear Professor Brooks,” it began, “You are a fraud.” That seemed pretty unpromising, but I read on anyway. My correspondent made, in brutal detail, a case against every chapter of my book. As I made my way through the long email, however, my dominant thought wasn’t resentment. It was, “He read my book!” And so I wrote him back — rebutting a few of his points, but mostly just expressing gratitude for his time and attention. I felt good writing it, and his near-immediate response came with a warm and friendly tone.
DOES expressing gratitude have any downside? Actually, it might: There is some research suggesting it could make you fat. A new study in the Journal of Consumer Psychology finds evidence that people begin to crave sweets when they are asked to express gratitude. If this finding holds up, we might call it the Pumpkin Pie Paradox.
The costs to your weight notwithstanding, the prescription for all of us is clear: Make gratitude a routine, independent of how you feel — and not just once each November, but all year long.
There are concrete strategies that each of us can adopt. First, start with “interior gratitude,” the practice of giving thanks privately. Having a job that involves giving frequent speeches — not always to friendly audiences — I have tried to adopt the mantra in my own work of being grateful to the people who come to see me.
Next, move to “exterior gratitude,” which focuses on public expression. The psychologist Martin Seligman, father of the field known as “positive psychology,” gives some practical suggestions on how to do this. In his best seller “Authentic Happiness,” he recommends that readers systematically express gratitude in letters to loved ones and colleagues. A disciplined way to put this into practice is to make it as routine as morning coffee. Write two short emails each morning to friends, family or colleagues, thanking them for what they do.
Finally, be grateful for useless things. It is relatively easy to be thankful for the most important and obvious parts of life — a happy marriage, healthy kids or living in America. But truly happy people find ways to give thanks for the little, insignificant trifles. Ponder the impractical joy in Gerard Manley Hopkins’s poem “Pied Beauty”:
Glory be to God for dappled things —
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced — fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.
Be honest: When was the last time you were grateful for the spots on a trout? More seriously, think of the small, useless things you experience — the smell of fall in the air, the fragment of a song that reminds you of when you were a kid. Give thanks.
This Thanksgiving, don’t express gratitude only when you feel it. Give thanks especially when you don’t feel it. Rebel against the emotional “authenticity” that holds you back from your bliss. As for me, I am taking my own advice and updating my gratitude list. It includes my family, faith, friends and work. But also the dappled complexion of my bread-packed bird. And it includes you, for reading this column.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/opinion/sunday/choose-to-be-grateful-it-will-make-you-happier.html
As the divorce process unfolds, especially within the first several months, you will probably go through a series of emotional extremes. The divorce, as it tears apart the fabric of your marriage, will probably tear you up as well. You will be astounded by the intensity of raw pain that can sweep over you, sometimes quite unexpectedly.
This is a dangerous time psychologically, and it may not be clear how this emotional eruption could lead to extreme consequences. The person you thought you knew and loved is no longer there, “replaced” by some scary, spiteful stranger. Frightening scenarios, involving both yourself and the other person, become immediately present as possibilities; you will no longer know what to expect from your former spouse or even from yourself. Even if you struggle to hold onto some shred of love, or at least positive feeling, for your former spouse, you will be afflicted by thoughts and feelings that seem to flood into your mind from some primitive, nightmare side of reality.
In such moments, you may feel like you are losing your mind. You can go places emotionally where no one else can reach you. You may scream, cry, shake, or rage uncontrollably. You may feel exhausted one moment and then keyed up the next. Sleep is difficult. You do not know what to do with yourself.
Violated and violent, perhaps even filled with thoughts of hurting yourself or others, you may experience the urge to act on these extreme emotions, to enact the evils which now plague you, to overcome fear by becoming frightening, to overcome alienation by making your hell real for others, to inflict what you are suffering on the one “responsible” for it, to let others know how it feels to be in such pain, to give vent to the rage, to destroy the marriage that is “destroying” you. You want your day in court; want the indifferent world to know you have been wronged!
You may be appalled at yourself, and yet continue to hold onto this desperate “remedy,” as if it were a perverse life saver, as if this pain is all that holds you together and keeps you emotionally connected with the marriage you are losing. You know that you need to “get over it,” as friends would recommend if they knew what you were feeling and contemplating, and yet it seems that “getting over it” would leave you with nothing.
This extreme state may last for a brief moment, or several days, or longer. You may be able to suppress or contain it, for the most part. Some people may not even feel it. But most do.
If you ever find yourself on this pathway toward extreme action, do not give in. Hold on. Give life a chance to make things better for you, even if you can’t see any hope and don’t have a clue about how to keep going. Take a long walk. Call someone who loves you. Seek professional assistance if necessary, but remember that the extreme pain will eventually pass, while the consequences of extreme actions may not. You are bereft now, but not forever. Seeds of new life will eventually spring up. You can look for these little hints of life, simple, small, seemingly inconsequential moments in which you catch a glimpse of something and feel yourself respond and know that you might survive.
In the throes of divorce, people experience the pain of disrupted emotional attachment. The roots of emotional attachment go very deep in our lives. Establishing and maintaining attachment is the most crucial thing at the earliest point in life; without it, we would have died as an infant. Even now, as adults, any threat to emotional attachment feels highly upsetting and dangerous. We can feel like we are dying emotionally, like there is no more life in our life.
We may try to fill the “blankness” with the “stimulation” of sex, or with endless hours of work, or with concern about the kids, or with a new relationship. But the blankness tends to remain. With time and reflection, however, there may be a shift of feeling and new emotional connections may become possible.
Surviving the breakup of a marriage or, for that matter, surviving the loss of any cherished individual, can leave us a little wiser about love. By getting a little distance from the pain, we come to know that:
- relationships can and do end;
- love has many unforeseen, but inevitable, twists and turns;
- love is based as much on a decision to remain steadfast, in spite of the inevitable twists and turns, as it is on the fulfillment of fantasy or gratification of unmet needs; and
- we can survive loss.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, by distancing ourselves from the intensity of extreme pain experienced during a breakup, we are able more fully to appreciate the gift of a meaningful, satisfying relationship and, with time, take steps to build such a relationship in the future.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/extremities-the-pain-and-promise-of-divorce/
For some couples, no amount of marriage counseling is enough to avoid a divorce. It’s a tough process emotionally and financially.
Untangling two people’s money is messy. Long before spousal or child support is awarded or your post-divorce budget is in place, you’ll need to prepare your finances for the work ahead.
Because each divorce is unique, specific advice can only come from experts familiar with your case. However, the following tips should point you in the right direction.
1. Be wary of well-meaning advice
Divorce laws vary by state, so be cautious of advice that seems to be a one-size-fits-all solution — whether you read it online or received it from a friend. If you’re unsure whether you should move money, change accounts or make any other financial moves pre-divorce, consult with an attorney licensed in your state.
2. Track expenses — and anticipate future ones
As soon as you know divorce is inevitable, begin tracking your household income and expenses. This will not only help build a budget post-divorce, but it is also crucial for your attorney and later the judge in deciding how to split assets and debts, and whether to award spousal or child support.
If you’ve already been tracking as part of your budget, even better: You have a record of past months and years. If not, start now, and include household bills, food, clothing, entertainment, home maintenance, transportation, child care and anything else that you spend money on. Use your bank and credit card statements to estimate spending from past years. Next, project future expenses.
“Look beyond the normal monthly expenses and include things like your holiday trips, vacations and seemingly ‘one-time’ expenses like replacing the dishwasher,” says Avani Ramnani, a certified divorce financial advisor with Francis Financial in New York City. Use previous years as a guide, but remember, circumstances change. For example, if you have children, you’ll transition from spending on child care to spending on after-school activities and eventually car insurance and college tuition.
3. Gather documentation
Your financial records tell the story of your marriage’s financial health. Gathering these documents can be tedious and time-consuming, so start as early as possible.
If you and your spouse share any accounts, your financial institutions or advisors have no obligation to keep your requests confidential.
Start with:
- Checking and savings account statements (past year)
- Retirement account statements (current, if contributions haven’t changed)
- Investment account statements (past year)
- Ledgers for any loans, including your mortgage, auto loans and personal loans (past year)
- Credit card statements (past year)
- Recent pay stubs
- Lists of assets and debts brought into the marriage and those accumulated since marriage
- Income tax returns (past three years)
- The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts offers a checklist of financial records you’ll want to prepare.
4. Prepare for resistance
“In amicable divorces, there is a free exchange of information,” Ramnani says. “However, in adversarial situations, one spouse might not release documents unless they’re legally forced to do so.” This is especially likely if one spouse controlled the household finances.
Even if relations seem cordial, anticipate rough patches. You might decrease the likelihood of confrontation by gathering the important paperwork before filing. If your spouse fights you every step of the way, ask your attorney about court-ordered options.
5. Refrain from big financial decisions
The divorce proceedings will determine all of your major financial changes. It might be tempting to get a jump on tasks like adjusting your life insurance beneficiaries — but it’s best to wait.
“Changes to beneficiaries, wills, retirement accounts, and the like will be sorted out in the (legal) proceedings,” says Caleb Ballew, divorce attorney with Martinson & Beason in Huntsville, Alabama. “If you make such changes prior to the divorce, the judge could award your spouse.”
If you’ve already filed, Ballew says, making such changes without the blessing of the court could be grounds for criminal contempt charges. Ask your attorney if you’re unsure about a particular move.
6. Be conservative when spending and saving
Separating joint finances is sticky, and much of the process depends on your state laws — some treat all income, assets and debts as if they’re part of a single pot. Emptying that pot, or even dipping into it more than usual, in the weeks and months before your divorce could be detrimental.
“There is no advantage, and perhaps a disadvantage, to being the first one to the bank,” says David Clarke, a divorce attorney with Blankingship & Keith in Washington, D.C. He recommends keeping all financial matters transparent with your spouse.
Continue to use your accounts — individual or joint — as usual. If you don’t have money set aside for hiring a divorce attorney and other related expenses, try to agree with your spouse about each spending a conservative and comparable amount, Clarke says. If your relationship isn’t amicable, ask your attorney about a legal separation, which would dictate how you both use money until the divorce is finalised.
7. Know when to get help
Whether your divorce is amicable or adversarial, a lawyer can help you sort through the separation of your lives and finances.
“Engaging a lawyer should not be seen as an act of aggression,” says Clarke, who adds that the specifics of a divorce are “too weighty to be negotiated at the kitchen table.”
In addition to your attorney, a certified divorce financial analyst can offer expertise concerning divorce’s effect on your current and future financial health.
CDFAs can help those in the midst of divorce or even just considering it. An increasing number of people contact them to ask whether a divorce is financially feasible, sometimes even before contacting an attorney, according to Carol Lee Roberts, general manager of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. You can also ask a CDFA to judge the merits of your divorce settlement and how to best structure it.
Roberts says though wealth might spur someone to contact a CDFA, they’re equally valuable for folks without a mountain of assets. “Even if your divorce is more about dividing debts, it’s important to talk with a financial expert,” she says.
Source: https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/finance/7-ways-to-prepare-your-finances-for-divorce/
It was never in your life plan, certainly never predicted in your high school yearbook.
And yet, here you are. You’ve gone through a soul-sucking life experience and are suffering from the collateral consequences. Uncertainty, fear and disbelief rule the day. You keep waiting to wake up and find out this was all a bad dream.
The problem is that wishing, wanting and waiting don’t help. Whether you’re still in the midst of the storm or idling in the aftermath, the truth is that you have to reach down and make the decision that although you may have had no control over what happened to you, you do have control over how you respond and move forward. These six tips will help start you on that journey:
1. Don’t Compare Your Blooper Reel to Other’s Highlight Reel
At times it may seem like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Social media exacerbates this perception because people tend to show only their green patch of lawn and not their backyard full of weeds!
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see someone’s perfect vacation pictures captioned: “Don’t know how we’re really going to pay for this; We’re up to our ears in debt! The kids got carsick and puked in the rental car, and Jack and I haven’t had sex for weeks! Wish you were here!”
The grass isn’t always greener. Everyone has something in life they wish they could undo, redo or erase. They just don’t post it on Facebook.
2. Realize That Sometimes You Have No Control Over What Happens to You
Like the saying goes, life is what happens to you when you are making other plans. I truly believe that things happen for you rather than to you to nudge you into growth. When something unexpected happens, ask yourself “What’s the lesson here?”
3. Surrender to Your Situation
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving in; it simply means you stop fighting the fact that the situation happened. Accept the fact that it occurred, that it sucks, and that yes, it probably was unfair and undeserved.
When you continually try to fight against a situation, it’s like trying to swim against a rip current. You can fight it and end up exhausted and pulled out to sea, or you can accept that it is done, swim parallel to it and overcome it. You cannot change what has already occurred but you can change how you respond to it. This is the tipping point to taking your power back.
4. Understand That Your Coping Mechanisms May Be Holding You Hostage
It is natural to feel disbelief, anger and sadness, and to want to blame others for what you are going through. These coping mechanisms are designed to help you deal with the situation at hand. They are also a defense mechanism, a way to push back on the reality of the situation.
The problem is, when you get stuck defending, denying, and blaming, you form an endless loop of negative thoughts that won’t stop spinning in your head. The part of your brain that is controlling the loop is your ego. When you learn to harness your ego, you can transform the way you think and move past these self-destructive thoughts.
5. Harness Your Ego
Your ego is part of your consciousness, and it competes with your higher self, or spirit, for control of your thoughts. Your ego is fear-based and your higher self is love-based. The two cannot coexist because the higher self simply does not recognize fear. Think of the ego as the darkness and the higher self as the light switch; once the light goes on darkness cannot exist.
The ego thrives on fear and separation in order to control your thoughts. It causes you to think you need to be better because you’re not good enough or are lacking in some way. The egoic brain creates this fear of inferiority and you react by putting others down as a way to raise your sense of self-worth up.
You can recognize your ego at work when you are critical or judgmental of others, when you take on the role of victim, or when you blame others rather than looking inward. When you feel self-important, when you feel the need to be right, and when anger, jealousy, and self-importance take center stage, that’s your ego, and it isn’t helping you. It creates a false sense of self.
Once you are aware that your ego is talking, you have begun the process of winning the mind chatter war in your head. Your awareness helps you realize that you no longer have to react to the fear it is creating. Your thoughts are not you but are of the ego. Remember that your ego and your higher self cannot co-exist; When you recognize the ego it has to take a back seat to your higher self. You then can move above these thoughts and shift your perspective from negative thoughts to ones that serve you positively.
6. Create Calm and Gratitude
The ego loves for you to focus on your past, on what you lost. What if you shift the way you look at your situation and focus on what you gained as a result?
What did you learn as a result of the trial? Are you more compassionate, less judgmental? Is your house calmer or cleaner? Did you start taking better care of yourself emotionally or physically? Are you finally putting yourself first?
Focusing on what you are grateful for instead of what you lost is a mindset that creates a calmer, happier you. And that is something to be grateful for!
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-overcome-a-soul-crushing-life-challenge_b_7157082.html
There’s a common perception that women siphon off the wealth of their exes and go on to live in comfort. It’s wrong.
A 38-year-old woman living in Everett, Washington recently told me that nine years ago, she had a well-paying job, immaculate credit, substantial savings, and a happy marriage. When her first daughter was born, she and her husband decided that she would quit her job in publishing to stay home with the baby. She loved being a mother and homemaker, and when another daughter came, she gave up the idea of going back to work.
Seven years later, her husband told her to leave their house, and filed for a divorce she couldn’t afford. “He said he was tired of my medical issues, and unwilling to work on things,” she said, citing her severe rheumatoid arthritis and OCD, both of which she manages with medication. “He kicked me out of my own house, with no job and no home, and then my only recourse was to lawyer up. I’m paying them on credit.” (Some of the men and women quoted in this article have been kept anonymous because they were discussing sensitive financial matters, some of them involving ongoing legal disputes.)
“The only way to curtail the divorce-industrial complex is to create an alternative pathway to divorce that keeps courts and judges out of the process.”
“Your divorce is something you have to rely upon. You need to be able to go back to it.”
She is far from alone. Despite the common perception that women make out better than men in divorce proceedings, women who worked before, during, or after their marriages see a 20 percent decline in income when their marriages end, according to Stephen Jenkins, a professor at the London School of Economics. His research found that men, meanwhile, tend to see their incomes rise more than 30 percent post-divorce. Meanwhile, the poverty rate for separated women is 27 percent, nearly triple the figure for separated men.
Women like the mother in Washington, who leave the workforce for several years, will likely see their earnings stunted when they resume working. The main reason women suffer the brunt of divorce’s financial burdens, according to Jenkins, is that during marriage, they are more likely than men to stop working in order to raise kids. “The key differences are not between men and women, but between fathers and mothers,” he told The Guardian.
On top of that, divorce proceedings alone can pose a serious financial burden. According to Divorce Magazine, a trade publication, the cost of divorce varies wildly, from as little as $8,500 to well over $100,000. An accurate average is hard to nail down, but estimates usually fall within the range of $15,000 to $30,000. And if the split is relatively amicable, costs can sometimes be as low as $250 to $3,000, according to Lee Borden, a divorce lawyer in Alabama.
These burdens tend to fall disproportionately on women, and, in its usual way, the market has recognized that: A handful of firms have started providing loans—some of them for hundreds of thousands of dollars—to women so that they can properly argue their case in court. The loans’ interest rates can be high, but one firm estimates that applicants typically win assets worth three times the amount of their loan.
But without such outside help, many find themselves trapped, and it’s not just women who can experience divorce’s ill financial effects. Bari Weinberger, a family-law attorney working in New Jersey, says that while child support and alimony can cause hang-ups in court, it’s also the case that many people simply cannot afford what they’re ordered to pay, and end up defaulting because they are out of options. “You now have two households and one check to make ends meet. And it’s not easy,” Weinberger said. “When men come to us looking for advice on how to handle this support, we can’t create the funds that aren’t there.”
Weinberger says that because of the inevitability of alimony and child support, she advises ex-partners to make peace with paying for support before proceedings even begin. “The judge is going to order how much you pay and for how long, once you go to court, and that’s it,” she says. (If spouses choose to divorce via a settlement, she notes, they have a little more flexibility.)
And alimony and child support don’t always flow from ex-husband to ex-wife. Many men fear they’ll be ridiculed when others find out they’re receiving money from their exes, Weinberger says. Some would rather forgo their monthly stipends than swallow their pride, even if they are the stay-at-home parent bringing in no income.
Of course, the messiness of life can cause serious stress before there’s time to have a judge step in. When asked what she got out of her divorce, a mother in New Hampshire I spoke to simply says: “divorced.” Having been married to her husband for two years and having been the mother of their child, the woman found herself without any financial safety net when they split abruptly. “He would not contribute to any expenses,” she said. “He gave me 15 days to get off his cellphone plan, and expected that I wouldn't default on our rent, which was $1,600 a month. I sold my cellphone for food and got a prepaid number.”
To get out from under that debt, she needed to submit official divorce paperwork, which wasn’t cheap. “I managed to find a sympathetic lawyer to whom I still owe a ton of money,” she said. “I sold my car and all my furniture to afford the retainer. Then I prepared and filed the initial motion myself.”
Technically, though, even if this mother and people like her don’t know it, they might have access to some of their spouses’ money. Cotton says that because women are still legally married while filing for divorce, they therefore might have a legal right to their partner’s funds. “If someone calls me and says, ‘I need an attorney but I have no money,’ I remind them they’re not divorced yet, so they actually do have money,” he says. “In those cases, I file a motion asking for retaining fees and the other person’s lawyer will cut a check.”
But that route isn’t an option in every scenario. The mother in Washington suffers from several chronic illnesses and conditions, and while her health is currently on the mend, her savings have dwindled to nothing—having been used on house and condo payments, appliances, and basic necessities—since she separated from her husband. She says that when they were together, she even paid off her husband’s student loans. With shared money, they bought residences, but put them under her husband’s name. She has been left with no way of procuring income. Given her health, she said she would normally qualify for disability, but can’t because she didn’t have enough work credits in the past decade to get into the system, since she was busy as a stay-at-home mom.
Though she and her husband are not yet divorced, her spouse was ordered by a judge, after they entered a request for legal separation, to pay her $1,000 a month while the paperwork was finalized. But she says it’s not enough to live on, particularly because she still takes care of her two girls during the day. “Don’t get me wrong—I want my kids all of the time, but he uses me like free childcare. I watch the girls all day every day, but I can’t afford groceries and basic utility bills anymore. I’m really scared,” she says.
Mothers or fathers without income can make their cases to a judge, Cotton says, based on their contributions to the household. “One of the things they can say is, ‘I had these specific work skills but I took care of the child for our family, instead of going back into the workforce.’” Doing this increases the likelihood of receiving a livable amount of money from their estranged partners. Still, many spouses don’t know that, and the court system is often confusing and inaccessible to them.
And in some cases, women get manipulated by their partners. For instance, one woman was living in Missouri when she and her husband of three years divorced. While they had no children together, the woman said she agreed to unfavorable terms just to get the process over with. “I didn’t know what choices I had,” she said. “My ex scared me, and I felt I had nowhere to go. He was mentally abusive and sexually aggressive, and he threatened to drag it out in court until I lost the little savings I had left. So I cut my losses and ran.”
Why does divorce so often lead to situations like this, and is it possible that there’s another way to handle them? Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at The University of Minnesota, argues that having the courts involved sends a cultural message that divorce is a contest—a relic of the old, fault-based system, in which people could only dissolve their marriage if they could prove their partner did something that in a judge’s opinion made cohabitation unbearable. “No-fault divorce was intended to take a lot of conflict out of the divorce process, but it has not lived up to that goal because court-based processes carry the baggage of being adversarial in nature,” Doherty says.
“The system makes a lot of money this way,” he adds. “The only way to curtail the divorce-industrial complex is to create an alternative pathway to divorce that keeps courts and judges out of the process.” Making the process of divorce cheaper certainly wouldn’t erase the post-divorce earnings disparity between men and women, but it could still help ease the shorter-term financial burdens that arise.
In that vein, Doherty helped write the Cooperative Private Divorce bill, which the Minnesota state legislature is expected to vote on during its next session, according to Doherty. The bill, if passed, would make divorce an administrative agreement, much like marriage. Under the bill, couples would have the freedom to craft their own agreements in their own language in as much or little detail as they want. Once it’s filed, they have the option to go back and amend the agreement down the line, should they see the need to. The forms will have guidelines and suggestions for language regarding property and child custody, as well as warnings to help make sure neither party is being coerced or manipulated during the agreement process. “We’ve developed a coercion self-screening tool, so that people who are likely to be coerced during the process by their partners will be steered away from this,” Doherty said.
To obtain a divorce under this bill, Doherty says, couples would first go through an online orientation educating them about the process. If they decide to go through with it, they would file an online form stating their intention to divorce. Minnesota’s Bureau of Mediation Services will have staff members to give personalized help to those who need it, but there would be no third-party or judicial review, according to Doherty, as the point of the bill is to leave the couple to come to an agreement themselves and then submit it to the BMS. After a three-month waiting period, they would file the finalized agreement and sign off on it. Then they would receive a certificate of divorce through the mail. No courts, no lawyers, no judges.
Right now, there are other options available to those who don’t want to enlist the services of lawyer. There is an option to handle it pro se, which means that each side represents himself or herself in court, filling out and filing the paperwork on his or her own, and showing up in court to arrive at a final agreement. One man I talked to from Gainesville, Florida, orchestrated his own divorce after four years of marriage in order to save on attorney fees. “I went to the courthouse on my lunch break most days. Each time, I asked the clerks questions and when they told me my lawyer had to file certain documents, I told them I was my own lawyer,” he said. “It’s not easy, but if you’re patient, you can do it.”
Doherty says the Minnesota bill is different from pro se because it prioritizes ease of use. “In pro se, people have to follow the arcane language and rules of the court system,” he said, “and the common person doesn’t have the background to do that without at least some confusion. So it gets tossed back to them because they’ve forgotten to dot some i’s or cross some t’s.”
But Cotton, the divorce lawyer in Boston, cautions that courts offer some benefits that more-streamlined divorces don’t. He says that most people who think they can part ways amicably are mistaken. Joint bank accounts, real estate, and child custody can prove to be more difficult to hash out than they seem. “One of the big problems we have in court already is that people think they can do this themselves,” he said. “By giving people an administrative option, you could be putting children at risk because people grow and evolve and change. The needs of a nine-month-old are very different from the needs of a nine-year-old and if you don’t have a contract with the courts to enforce how that child is to be raised, then you have no place to go with it.”
Another woman I interviewed, a mother and doctoral candidate living in Alabama, is discovering that what seemed to be a cheaper alternative—using mediation instead of litigation—may have only been a short-term solution. With this option, both parties sit down with a professional mediator to attempt to come to an agreement, and then bring in lawyers only to finalize that agreement and give legal advice during the process.
This can save thousands of dollars, but it only works smoothly if the parties easily arrive at an agreement. “For us, it was surprisingly easy, fast and cheap,” she says. “It cost maybe $200, all told. But the long-term ramifications have been much more difficult. Our custody agreement is very loosely defined as joint custody, but now that my ex-husband has a serious girlfriend in another state, I have to seek out a lawyer to protect my parental rights.” The woman says that in hindsight, the way she divorced simply delayed the inevitable litigation, and in the interim, she’s been stuck with what she feels is an unfair portion of living expenses.
“Mediators can sometimes make things better, but there’s no real licensing for it,” Cotton says. “There is no governing body that holds anyone to anything.” He adds that “your divorce is something you have to rely upon. You need to be able to go back to it. With a divorce, you can get in front of a judge within days if something isn’t going right. If you only have a contract, it can take six to nine months. In those months, if you need money for medication or heat or child support, you could actually die. The last thing you want is your divorce breaking on you.”
Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/
After a divorce, most people go through a myriad of emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and grief are some of the more easily recognized emotions, but underlying all of these may be anger.
Anger is a fact of life, especially for most experiencing a divorce. Since anger is a human reality, what can you do to deal with and use proactively the anger you feel during divorce?
Below are 5 strategies that will help you understand and deal with anger in a positive manner.
1. Don’t give into your anger.
Anger is a legitimate emotion, it is your heart trying to tell you something hurts emotionally. Stuffing anger to avoid dealing with it can result in depression which, in some cases is your anger turned inward. Allow yourself to explore the reasons for your anger and to express the anger in a proactive manner.
Learning to respond in a healthy manner to emotional pain isn't easy. It's the first step you have to take if you are going to keep the anger you feel from becoming destructive. Our first response to being hurt or feeling powerless is to lash out. To attempt to get revenge and regain a sense of control. When that is your response, you're feeding your anger instead of exploring and attempting to understand it.
To lessen anger and fully understand what you are feeling, you need to allow yourself to feel vulnerable and hurt. Anger gives a false sense of empowerment, vulnerability causes feelings of helplessness.
So, I get it, the first response, the one that helps us feel like we are back in control is the one most of us give into.
Anger is an emotional fraud. It's there to trick you into not fully understanding what lies beneath the anger, a lot of hurt and vulnerability. Anger hardens your heart and, if fed, keeps you from ever getting in touch with what you are truly feeling.
There is no shame in admitting you are hurt and feeling out of control. And, doing so softens your heart, leads to being in touch with your feelings and staying open to new relationships and a healthier life after divorce. Choosing pain over anger is hell in the short-term but, healthy in the long-term.
2. Don’t fear your anger.
Women especially may have been brought up to think that they should be “nice and agreeable” and not get angry. Everyone gets angry, and it is a healthy emotion, not something to be feared. Journal or talk to a friend to vent your angry feelings, so you can work through them.
Feared anger leads to stuffed anger which leads to you one day blowing like Mount Vesuvius and leaving a path of destruction in your wake. As I discussed before, get in touch with the feelings causing the anger and, explore appropriate ways to express the anger you feel.
3. Don’t worry about losing control of your anger.
One fear many people have is, if they let their anger out they won’t be able to control the rage that may be inside them. This is usually a fear with no basis in fact. Find a safe place to vent your anger.
Punch a pillow, scream, or do whatever makes you feel the release you need without harming anyone.
And, that is the key, stop fearing your anger, express it but, in a way that leads you to a reduction in the anger you feel without it causing or exacerbating conflict and harm.
4. Don’t worry about what other people will think.
If you feel anger, you have a right to your feelings. Individuals may think that it’s acceptable to express grief or sadness, but anger may bring on feelings of embarrassment or shame because it is generally frowned upon.
Anger can be an early warning system that something is wrong. Someone is mistreating you? Someone is trying to take advantage of you? Use your anger to build healthy boundaries and distance yourself from those attempting to do you harm.
5. Get regular exercise.
If you are having a hard time processing the reasons for your anger, it may be resulting from your overall situation and the frustration you feel from dealing with stress.
Taking a walk, doing aerobics or finding stress relieving yoga poses, or even kickboxing can make a person dealing with anger feel much relief.
According to WebMD.com, "exercise acts like a drug, protecting against angry mood induction, almost like taking aspirin to prevent a heart attack." So, instead of working out to burn calories, work out to burn off those feelings of anger.
Do an exercise that you know is safe for you, and give it your all. Check with your physician if you have any questions about whether or not exercise is appropriate for you.
Nothing contributes more to divorce turning into all out war than anger. Get it under check, explore what it is trying to tell you, and when needed us your anger appropriately to protect yourself during the divorce process.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-for-dealing-with-anger-during-divorce-1102468
I got some of what the court ordered, but not all. At some point I stopped fighting, and not because I was weak or lazy. I let go of that money because it was the right thing to do.
Money is often cited as the No. 1 thing divorcing couples fight over. Financial disagreements clog the courts and wrack up attorney bills — not to mention burn untold units of stress and misery for each party, their children and anyone within earshot.
This money-related financial tension carries over after breakups and divorce. Often, women tell me that they can’t move forward with their lives because they are stuck financially because of money their ex owes. They can’t afford to go back to school and advance their career because there is no money for child care, or can’t get out of debt because he won’t pay.
He may very well owe you that money. Morally and legally, you may be entitled to it.
But sometimes you can be so right, you are wrong. After all, the average sum of child supported ordered monthly is less than $300, and total child support owed is actually paid just 40 percent of the time. What if you let that all go and focused on earning big, big money. I want ever woman to understand what it feels like to be financially independent. Only then do you truly step into your power, and live your life in the biggest, most authentic way possible.
6 SIGNS YOU SHOULD STOP FIGHTING YOUR EX FOR FINANCES
1. IT’S COSTING YOU MORE MONEY THAN YOU STAND TO RECEIVE IN A SETTLEMENT.
Life is not fair. There are laws designed to protect women and children in divorce, and there is also the universal law of what is just. But there is also the legal system, and it is messed up, unfair and is designed to support mainly the right. Unless you’re Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods, there is often a very low threshold to cross before it stops making sense to spend money on lawyers to get what you are owed. Do the math. Then take a deep breath. Let the breath go. And let that money go, too.
2. YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR MONEY HE DOESN’T HAVE.
You can’t get blood from a stone, as the old adage goes. Sure, he may owe you tens of thousands of dollars in back child support. You could have the courts take his car and send him to jail. But if you honestly know that he doesn’t have that cash, do you really want to do that? Yes? What do you get in return?
3. YOU’RE BUILDING A LIFESTYLE AROUND SOMEONE ELSE’S MONEY — THAT YOU MAY NEVER GET.
When you create a budget based on money you get from someone else, you are dependent on them. This is never a good idea. For financial reasons, that money may never materialize — or suddenly disappear. Men’s child support and alimony doesn’t show up if he loses his job, becomes disabled and cannot work, dies, refuses to pay for whatever reason, or has another child and is allowed by the courts to pay less. Plus, don’t you just want to stop fighting and earn your own money? Doesn’t that sound really, really delicious — to never be dependent on him or another man again?
4. YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR MONEY IN DIVORCE OUT OF SPITE.
Anger and spite are normal. God knows I’ve spent a lot of time being pissed at my ex! But exuding all that negative energy to take revenge is not a good reason to fight for money — even if you’re entitled to it. Good reasons include providing a better life for yourself and your kids and/or because the money is genuinely yours.
5. HE NEEDS THE MONEY MORE THAN YOU DO.
Maybe each of your financial situations have changed. Maybe you have indeed moved on and are now killing it financially. Maybe he lost his job and is struggling. Maybe you’re both stable, but you see that the money in question could help him out a whole lot more than it could help you. And now that you’ve moved forward, and you are no longer spiteful and angry, you have the energy to do the right thing.
6. FIGHTING FOR MONEY IS EXHAUSTING AND BAD FOR THE KIDS.
Divorce is one of the most stressful, draining crises a person can go through. In many cases — especially if there are children and significant assets involved — it is worth taking your time with a good lawyer to negotiate a fair settlement. But until the mailman delivers the manilla envelope containing your sighed divorce decree, you will likely feel that your whole world is in limbo. Letting some stuff go moves everyone forward — including the kids.
After all, the more conflict between you and your ex, for whatever reason, means the children suffer at the hands of it. He might legally owe you, but sometimes you can be so right you’re wrong.
7. YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK WHEN YOU FIGHT YOUR EX FOR MONEY.
Deepak Chopra tells us that human beings have infinite energy, and I accept that to be true. But we are also physical beings living in the real world, and a girl only has so much to go around.
When you are dependent on his money, you are dependent on HIM.Dependence is never healthy. It holds you back, keeps you embroiled in a romantic relationship that is over, with someone who you likely don’t care for much.
You have a choice: Spend your time, energy and power to fight with him, or invest that time and energy and power in yourself to earn far more money than he owes you from his 401(k). After all, when it comes to earning and building wealth, the sky is the limit!
MY MANTRA: THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL.
Source: https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/6-reasons-fight-youre-owed-divorce/
