Dealing with a divorce is rough enough, and it may be tempting to keep your kids out of it. In fact, research over the last five years has found that over 75 percent of parents going through a divorce spend less than ten minutes, total, talking to their children about the change.
The statistic is shocking, really, considering how clear it is made to us as adults that good communication is vital to all types of relationships. Perhaps adults forget that that little law of life involves children as well, and how much children value being part of decision making, and even being welcomed into the adult world.
Here is how to talk about divorce with your kids:
1. Breaking up isn’t a crime
The end of a legal relationship, or a cohabiting one, isn’t a crime that needs to be covered up, sugar coated or kept from children like a dirty secret.
Interestingly, children are often more aware that divorces can be necessary than their parents. A UK poll found that 82 percent of older kids aged 14 to 22 preferred that their parents part if they are unhappy, than that they stay together just for the sake of their kids.
Your starting point here, then, is your own clarity about what you are going through. Life is full of interesting stages and processes that start and end. We start and finish school, college or a job, and in the same way, separation isn’t necessarily a failure. And if you feel yours is, I’m sure it’s at least more complicated than that. It’s also worth understanding that even failure is a vital part of life, and not something to be ashamed of.
In fact, as an alternative education teacher, I encourage the children I work with to “fail” because it means they are trying, over and over, and learning lessons from that, rather than being scared of trying things in the first place.
2. Children need examples of healthy relationships, not fairy tales
My parents fell out of love when I was five years old, but they didn’t get divorced until 12 years later. All that made for an unhappy home and a childhood filled with verbal violence and stress. I would have much preferred a few honest and tough conversations.
Children start to imitate adults from the age of around four — they want to cook like us, pretend to have friends over to tea, fix things with hammers and play “family.” So adults need to be good examples to them, and that means modeling good relationships, not acting out movie-perfect, unrealistic romances.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, with all different combinations of parents — including single ones, ones in relationships with someone other than the biological mother or father and same-sex parents. None of this matters. What matters for a child is a positive home environment, where respect and honesty is honored. And by the way, honesty means a place where parents aren’t pretending to have feelings for each other that they don’t have. Would you want your children to do that in their own friendships or romances?
Kids need to be taught that relationships evolve and change, that communication, respect and honesty are paramount. Teach them that and you’ll be paving the way for their own healthy relationships in the future. Teach them not to stay in an unhappy relationship just to make others happy.
3. Divorce isn’t an announcement, it’s a conversation
Even though your relationship with your partner is uniquely your business, your children are directly involved in that relationship also. You’ll make the decision to divorce, but understand that the details are going to involve your children. Therefore, the divorce can’t just be announced. It needs to be a dialogue, where the children are listened to, and their feelings and ideas are taken into account.
A ten-minute conversation isn’t enough! Answer your children’s doubt. Express yourself. If you feel sad, say that — don’t hide it. If you are unsure about how something will play out in the future, admit to not having all the answers. Be real: it’s okay to not know things, and it’s useful modeling to be able to express your feelings, rather than acting cold and distant.
4. It’s not about blame
However, even though you want to be honest with your children, if you’re holding feelings of resentment and blame towards the other partner, that’s something best kept to yourself. Unless there has been abuse, your children need to be free to keep loving both of you without feeling that to do so is betraying one of you.
So, at this point, you need to make sure the following things are very clear:
The kids are not the reason for the separation. They, too, are not to blame.
You will keep being a family, it will just work differently.
All the feelings the children have in response are okay and shouldn’t be squashed. It is okay for them to feel confused, angry, sad, worried or curious.
When you chat with your kids, aim to do it in a quiet place, with your partner if possible, and at a time when there aren’t pressing things to do. That way, nothing will get in the way if the conversation needs to go on for a while.
Also, if you have older and younger kids, tell them all at once. It isn’t useful to divide the kids, telling the older children first as though they can “handle” the news better, and must then explain it to the younger kids, or keep secrets.
5. After the conversation: helping children deal with change and loss
Children at different ages, and more generally speaking, cope with big changes in different ways. Some kids feel insecure, go quiet, become mischievous, clingy, uncooperative or distant. But they can also be amazingly resilient — bouncing back quickly.
However your child reacts, their change in behavior shows that they need to keep talking, so give them opportunities to do that. Show them love, and at the same time, keep many of their routines consistent.
Source: http://www.thealternativedaily.com/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-divorce
You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people.
But what defines a toxic person? How do you know that you’re hanging out with one? And if you are,what can you do about it?
We asked two experts to share their take on toxic people along with their insight into navigating these kinds of relationships. Here’s what they had to say about what makes a person toxic, and how you can best deal with one.
So What’s a Toxic Person Really?
It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.
“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”
They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”
According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.
What also feels toxic to you has to do with your reaction to the interaction, said Amy Tatsumi, MA, LPC, a psychotherapist and art therapist in Washington, D.C. Your reactions might include feeling betrayed, withdrawing, numbing yourself or being overly accommodating, she said.
This often happens “when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values.”
Both people play a role in toxic interactions. So it’s important to consider your personal role as well.
“A hallmark of a toxic interaction is that both people have created a conscious or unconscious story with judgment, fear or blame about the other person and boundaries that were crossed,” Tatsumi said.
Signs You’re Surrounded by a Toxic Person
Gale shared these signs:
- You’re emotionally affected by their drama
- You dread (or fear) being around them
- You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction
- You feel bad or ashamed about yourself
- You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.
- Tatsumi shared these additional signs:
- The other person doesn’t respect the word “No” as a complete sentence
- When you’re with them, you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
- You ignore your own values
- You emotionally “check out”
- You feel like you’re being controlled, or you’re being overly controlling.
Again, it’s important to explore your own role in the interaction. For instance, how do you compromise your own values or boundaries? Do you lash out because you feel misunderstood or not listened to? Do you withdraw because this is how you react to criticism?
What to Do With Toxic Relationships
Gale offered these suggestions for navigating toxic interactions:
- Tell the person how you feel in an assertive way. Use “I” statements. For example: “When you act/do/say _____, I feel _____. What I need is _______. The reason that I am sharing my feelings and needs with you is_______ (because I love you, I want to build a healthy relationship with you etc.).”
- Set and maintain boundaries.
- Focus on taking care of yourself.
- “Find ways to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviours.”
Reflect on the relationship, and consider how you’re caught in an unhealthy cycle of relating to the person. For instance, you might be making excuses for them or trying to fix them.
“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.
Ending the relationship may be painful, particularly if you have a long history with the person, she said. “Ultimately though, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life.”
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/28/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one/
Your kids may have questions and your gentle honesty is important
Every divorce is painful, for all members of the family. But that does not mean that life after divorce is always tough—in fact, as a parent, you play a big part in easing the fears and anxieties of your child. Most parenting experts conclude that what you tell a child about the reasons for her parents' divorcing depends a lot on the age and maturity of the child, and whether or not some of the reasons are obvious.
So, here are some good general rules and things to consider when preparing for one of those "Why did you get a divorce?" discussions that are sure to come.
Why Did You Get a Divorce?
Behavioral therapist Steve Kalas divides the reasons for divorce into three general categories:
- Divorce as a moral demand. If your spouse was abusive, degrading, or a criminal, the divorce was necessary to prevent self-destruction or further evil to others.
- Divorce due to betrayal. If you or your partner had one or more affairs, announced she was gay, robbed you blind or was mentally unbalanced and refused treatment, the divorce was likely due to a lack of trust and a desire to be free from such behaviors.
- Divorce due to marital malaise. In these cases, spouses simply grew apart, fell out of love, failed to meet one another's expectations, or took some other similar action which resulted in the divorce.
How, what, and when you tell the children the reasons depends entirely on which scenario is most reflective of your divorce.
Generally speaking, the reasons for the divorce, if it is in the "moral demand" category, will be obvious and should be shared with the children. In the other two categories, it largely depends on the child's age, awareness and maturity.
- For younger children, the discussion should stay general. When the question comes up, try not to get really specific with your younger children. You can say things like, "Dad and Mom just couldn't seem to get along well, and we thought you kids deserved not to have parents fighting all the time." Or "Mom and Dad's jobs took so much time that we didn't have much time to keep our marriage strong."
- If possible, agree with your ex on what you will tell the kids. Particularly when they are younger, children can be confused with too many details, and even more confused when the parents share different reasons for the divorce. If you can agree on the details you will discuss and share, it will help the kids process what is going on.
- Don't disparage the other parent. Telling your child that their mom kept getting drunk or had an affair with the neighbor will generally not be helpful, especially for younger children. Even if the other parent was in your mind primarily to blame for the breakup, keep the attitude positive. This rule would not apply in cases where the divorce was a "moral demand," in that case, it would be OK to suggest the divorce was needed to keep the children safe.
- Encourage them to talk with you about it. If the parents are not willing to talk with the children about their feelings about the divorce, they may go to other parties like friends, neighbors or grandparents, who often only have part of the story. If you avoid the discussion, change the subject or just refuse to answer questions, you will drive them to others for the answers.
- As the children get older and ask questions, you can be more specific. For example, it might be inappropriate to tell a six-year-old that Mom had an affair, but when an 18-year-old asks, you can answer more specifically. Be sensitive to the needs and concerns of the child.
- Answer specific questions specifically. When your children are old enough to ask specific questions, you can answer them specifically. It would even be beneficial to take responsibility and explain why your actions matter. For example, if your child asks about your infidelity, you could say something like this: "It was wrong of me to do that and I owed your mother total loyalty. I'm sorry that it broke up our marriage and hurt you. I didn't say anything about it sooner because I wasn't sure that you needed to know. But now that you do know, I want to make sure that I am honest with you."
- Focus on the real reasons rather than the symptoms. Sometimes it is hard to look beyond the symptoms of a bad marriage to see some of the root causes. If you can look a little deeper, you will often find causes like not making enough time for each other, not being able to talk in a meaningful way about money, not listening to each other, or not being willing to get help when needed. Sharing these kinds of reasons for a divorce will be less incriminating and will also help your child see the need to do these things well when they are married later in life.
Talking with the children about the reasons for divorce is one of the toughest things for a father to do. But being as honest and straightforward as you can, while still respecting the child's age and emotional maturity, is the best way to approach a difficult challenge. And this kind of communication, with love, respect, and credibility, is the most important kind of communication a father and child can have.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/talking-with-children-about-your-divorce-1270801
