How To Stop Settling And Have A Great Life After Divorce

In order to surround yourself with what you love you have to stop settling for what you don’t.
One of the realizations you’ve probably had as you’ve been healing from your divorce is that you learned to accept less than you wanted during your marriage.

Obviously, you accepted less honest communication, less meaningful connection and less unconditional love than you wanted and deserved or else you’d still be married. But in the name of compromise (or keeping the peace) you also accepted other things that you didn’t really want or like: the nagging, the yelling, the strained relationship with your in-laws, or even the color of your bedroom.

So here’s the great news. Now you can stop settling! But not just on the things that you settled for for the sake of your marriage. Now you can stop settling for everything. You can create your life after divorce full of things, relationships, behaviors and experiences that you love.

However, before you can fully create a life you love you need to learn how to stop settling.
Whenever you ignore your preferences and choose something just because it’s what’s available now and not because you love it, you’re settling. Whenever you do something because it’s easy and not because it’s what you really want to do, you’re settling. Whenever you accept someone’s poor behavior without saying something about it, you’re settling.

It’s important to recognize what settling is because it’s an insidious habit. It’s easy to put your preferences or feelings to the side for the sake of someone else. And why do you do that? So those other people can have what they want!

Well, it’s time for you to have what you want out of life. Since no one is going to just hand it to you on a silver platter, it’s time for you to stop settling and create the great life after divorce that you deserve.

When you stop to think about it, settling feels bad. You feel diminished and less than the person you’re allowing to have their way. If it goes on too long, you wind up feeling victimized and unworthy of what you really want out of life.

Now that you know how settling feels and what its impact is in your life, you can begin to eliminate settling from your life.

Start by taking a good look at your possessions. Are there things you need to purge because you feel bad just looking at them or you feel bad when you use them? Those are the things you’ve allowed into your life that you don’t really want. Those are the things you’re settling for.

But don’t think you have to purge or replace all of that stuff at the same time. You can do it in phases (and as your budget allows). Maybe you’ll start by getting rid of all the pens you have that don’t write well. Maybe you’ll start by throwing out all the underwear that you’d never want someone else to see you in.

The important thing here isn’t how quickly you eliminate all the things you’ve been settling for, but that you begin purging them and have a plan for how to replace (or live without) all of them.

After you’ve cut your teeth with getting rid of the things that you’ve settled for, you can start looking at how you’re settling in other areas of your life. Some of the other areas for you to consider are your relationships, your behaviors and habits as well as your job.

What you’ll quickly discover as you eliminate more and more of the things, relationships, behaviors, and experiences you’ll feel lighter. Your world will seem happier and more comforting because you’re only surrounding yourself with people, places, things and experiences that you want. And THAT will guarantee that your life after divorce is way better than it was before you divorced.

Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/357-how-to-stop-settling-and-have-a-great-life-after-divorce

3 Reasons Infidelity Often Leads To Divorce

Will Infidelity Break Your Marriage Beyond Repair?

Infidelity leads to divorce and is probably the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Statistics vary on this subject, but it's widely reported that 60% of men and 40% of women will participate in an extramarital affair at some point during their married life.

If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might fear that you are loosing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity.

It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage.

If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.

Below Are 3 Reasons Infidelity Leads To Divorce:

1. Denial of The Problem:

This is a very normal first reaction, and most of people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.

Infidelity is usually the result of problems in the marriage. If you can't accept your spouse's infidelity, you are left with more problems that you started with. You have to be able to deal, in a healthy manner, the cheating and the problems that lead to the cheating. 

2. Inappropriately Expressed Anger:

You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we get from being married.

It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the affair partner who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control. Whether you want to save your marriage or, move on via divorce, anger expressed in a negative manner will keep you from doing either. 

Learn how to use the anger you feel in a constructive manner.

3. Feelings of Rejection:

It's impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover.

Turn to your friends and family for strength. And, without a doubt, you should not define your desirability based on the fact your spouse cheated. 

Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems. It is not necessarily your fault, and you are no less a person because your spouse committed adultery

Everyone will experience the unfaithfulness of a spouse differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

If you decide to divorce, the range of emotions you feel will become wider. Therefore, it is imperative that you develop good coping skills to get you through, not only the infidelity but also the divorce process.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-infidelity-often-leads-to-divorce-1102520

5 Things I Learned From Falling In Love After Divorce

It’s been just over two years since my divorce was finalized. Everything about my life has changed, and I’ll be brutally honest: There were times I thought I wasn’t going to make it. Divorce may be common, but that doesn’t make it any less sad or difficult. I’ve seen rock bottom, and it’s not a pretty place.

My heart goes out to anyone going through divorce right now.

But oh, my heart...

She’s happy these days, and falling in love post-divorce has filled me with a hope I need to share.

I promise, it’s well worth hanging in there through the darkness.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. You can be 17 again.
In the wake of my divorce, I felt certain I would never fall in love again. (Hell, I swore to it before many a bartender!) For so long, every molecule of me ached with the pain of being discarded, considered less of an asset than the material things the ex and I divvied up in a court of law. My love for that guy seemed a girlish folly I’d best never repeat. But in time, after lots (lots!) of awkward attempts at dating, things so easily clicked into place with a wonderful new someone, my fears slipped away. I found myself tumbling head over heels with all the fervor and bliss of a teenager. Puppy love — at 40-something and post-divorce — is possible. Who knew?

2. Swimming in the shallows is a thing of the past.
Okay, okay — I called it “puppy love,” but there’s a deep dive that happened after that giddy initial fall. Maybe people who’ve suffered failed marriages appreciate the little things more. Maybe they just appreciate being appreciated. Whatever the case, I’ve enjoyed a whole new level of connection and affection in my relationship, and my unofficial poll of divorced-and-re-partnered friends suggests this is an actual thing. One friend said it best, “We treasure each other — and we let each other know.”

3. The sins of the ex must not be visited upon the new love.
Oh, this one’s a doozy! It’s a delicate balance, learning the lessons of a failed marriage, while keeping the heart open to a new and unique relationship. The red flags you missed before can leave you seeing them waving wildly all over the place — trust me, I know. The trick is to remember that you are dealing with an entirely different person. No one deserves to pay for others’ mistakes. And you’re not even the same person you were. You’ve grown, changed, and need to let the past remain where it belongs: in the past.

4. Communication is key — and it’s more readily available than ever post-divorce.
Here’s a silver lining I found in dating after divorce: most divorced folks have learned the hard way that silence is deadly. Talk to any of them for more than five minutes, and odds are you’ll find out that what killed their marriage wasn’t necessarily the underlying issues, but their inability to discuss them peacefully and productively as a couple. That’s a tough truth with a lesson that sticks.

5. The song is correct. You really can’t hurry love.
Some things take time. Healing from the pain of divorce and being ready for new love is one of those things. If, like me, you’re used to making things happen, this is a tough pill to swallow. Worse, there’s no way of knowing if it will take two years or 10 to regroup and find another kindred spirit. But once you get there, to that wonderful place of feeling genuine love for someone new, you’ll know in your soul there was no other path you could have taken, no way to speed things up.

You’ll realize you’ve arrived in just the right arms at just the right time.

And your heart?

You’ll know she’s a brave, resilient thing, happily entrusted to loving hands.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kc-wilder/5-things-i-learned-from-falling-in-love-after-divorce_b_11870150.html

What do you love about your life?

Valentines Day, a day typically associated with love and romance can be among those difficult days if we're working through Divorce or Separation. Negativity and upset can be triggered by the day.

Even if we're not in a romantic relationship, it's a good prompt to have a think about what we love about our life anyway, and to feel grateful for those things. It helps to keep us grounded in the present, and to appreciate the things we have going for us in the here and now without becoming bogged down in the past or the future.



If you'd like to learn more about the services we provide or the products available, simply explore this blog or follow the link below to our Facebook page

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When Divorce or Separation Turns Ugly

Ending a long term relationship is always hard but sometimes it gets ugly – really ugly – despite the most courageous efforts for it to be otherwise.
It doesn’t always take two to tango – unless you count one to set the pace and one to get dragged along in a savage tailwind. Of course, when there are two people acting to maim, the ugliness will be all the uglier, but it only takes one person being nasty, unreasonable and manipulative to turn a relationship malignant.


Ending a bad relationship doesn’t make the toxicity immediately wash away. Sometimes it will get worse before it gets better but always, if the relationship was a bad one, it will be worth it. Walking away takes self-respect, self-love and courage and is the only way to position yourself (and your kids if you have them) for the life you deserve.
You can’t change other people, but you would know that by now – it’s probably this wisdom that walked you out the door. If your divorce has turned into a slugfight, there are ways to look after yourself (and your kids) until you reach solid ground – which you will.

1. Be honest. And don’t let them change you.

This is important. It’s also really hard. Ask yourself, with an open heart, if you’re doing everything you can to be reasonable. None of us are perfect and a divorce can make the best of us act … how to put it without losing you … in ways that we might not be proud of.

If I’m being honest (and this is the time for it) I’m not divorced but I can tell you that I’ve had fights with my husband where I’ve been a bit of an arse for a day or so following – not because he’s deserved it, but because I’ve felt so jaded. It may have happened more than once. But definitely probably less than 10 50. I’m sure it will happen again. High emotion, shame and heartache can steal you – I know – but don’t hand over your dignity by acting in ways that are beneath you. Sometimes it’s the only thing they can’t touch. Be honest, brave and always self-respectful. If you’re acting like someone you wouldn’t want to go camping with, stop.

2. A divorce is many things. Failure is not one of them.

The end of a relationship doesn’t mean your decision to be with your ex-partner in the first place was flawed. The success of a relationship isn’t determined by how long it lasts. The investment of love and energy in a relationship will always be worth it, but it won’t necessarily guarantee forever. The past is the past and sometimes love, time, commitment and desire don’t stretch as far ahead in years as we’d like them to – and that’s okay.

People change. Circumstances change. Relationships change. In a Harvard study, psychology researcher Daniel Gilbert and colleagues found that people underestimate how much they will change in the future. We change a lot. Sometimes it’s in the same direction as the person we love and sometimes we veer sharply in a different one. Sometimes we wake up next to each other and realise we couldn’t be further apart. It happens. It’s part of being human.

3. You don’t have to do it all. You just have to do enough.

Life changes sharply when a relationship breaks down. You don’t have to do everything the way you used to. You don’t have to do everything, fullstop. You just have to do enough. Figure out what that looks like and go with it. You deserve the freedom that comes from that.

4. See the response of your ex-partner for what it is.

When a marriage or relationship breaks down it will likely bring shame, and breathe life into every fear of not being good enough, normal enough, successful enough and perhaps most heartbreakingly, loveable enough. People have all sorts of responses to shame, some of which are completely unfathomable to those of us looking in from the outside. When shame is involved, people will do anything to protect themselves. Here are a few. You might also recognise some in yourself from time to time.The more awareness you have around what you’re doing, the more capacity you’ll have to stop it:

♦ They might be cruel.

If you were the one to leave, there’s probably been a shift in power from your ex-partner to you. It’s likely he or she will be feeling disempowered, ineffective and small. Cruelty is an attempt to reverse this by shrinking you. You can’t stop them trying. But you can stop it working.

♦ They might criticise your choices and accuse you of being out of control.

You’re not out of control – just out of their control. Any choice you make in independence will send a message like a slap that yor’re no longer under their influence. As with anything, when what people have always done (control, disrespect, manipulate) stops working, they will do it even more before they stop. It’s human nature. Hold tight and keep going.

♦ They might manipulate.

Manipulation is a way for people to get what they want without being rejected, by taking away the option to say, ‘no’. For people who manipulate, ‘no’ doesn’t feel like a rejection of a request, it feels like a rejection of them. As a result, they’ll do whatever is necessary to get their needs met without putting themselves in the position of being rejected. You might not be together any more, but you’ll still have things that they want – the kids, attention, co-operation, your happiness, your power. Sadly for some people your disrespect will be easier to handle than your ‘no’.

♦ They might get angry.

Anger always exists to protect more vulnerable feelings such grief, fear or inadequacy from pushing to the surface. When a relationship ends, there will be feelings of deep loss, sadness and disconnection that can feel frighteningly bottomless. It’s much easier to attach these intense feelings to a target (you) than to acknowledge them..

♦ They might try to control you.

All control is an attempt to relieve anxiety – around uncertainty, around not getting what they want, about things not going to (their) plan, about losing you. It’s not the best way to go about it and there are plenty of people who deal with their anxiety without needing to control people, but some people don’t know how to do it any other way.

5. Just because it feels bad to stay, doesn’t mean it will feel good to leave.

Even if it’s a change that’s going to be good for you, there will still be huge life adjustments that need to be made. Don’t take bad feelings as a stop sign. You’re acting with courage and positioning yourself for what you deserve – a life filled with love, happiness and security. Keep going. Take the discomfort as evidence of the gap between the life you’ve been living and the life you’re about to. That’s a good thing. You deserve more than you’ve had.

6. Kids: The opportunity to teach them.

If you have kids, know that you’re teaching important lessons, no matter what. Even if your ex partner is being a toxic, nasty, manipulative [insert your own word here], the way you deal with that will model important life lessons for your kids. If everything is always honey and roses, kids won’t have as many opportunities to learn about the challenges that come with living life. Here are some of the lessons you’ll be teaching:

They’ll see: A relationship gone bad.
Teach them: ‘The good ones are worth the greatest risk. The bad ones always have something to teach. It’s always okay to walk away.’

They’ll see: Their other parent is good to them and awful to you.
Teach them: ‘You won’t get on with everyone – and that’s okay. You don’t have. It doesn’t mean the other person is bad, sometimes they can be wonderful. It just means the combination of the two of you doesn’t work.’

They’ll see: The people they love and depend on get sad.
Teach them: ‘Even grown-ups get sad sometimes but that doesn’t stop them from being happy most of the time. I’ll be okay and so will you. People feel better after crying because it’s the body’s way of feeling better.’ (According to biochemist William Frey, sad tears contain stress hormones and toxins that accumulate in the body during stress. Crying is the body’s way of cleansing itself.)

They’ll see: People aren’t always nice to each other and sometimes, they’ll try to turn you against people you care about.
Teach them: ‘When people say mean things it’s always because they’re trying to make someone feel as bad as they do. Just because someone says things, doesn’t mean those things true. People have all sorts of reasons for saying mean things and sometimes the truth isn’t one of them.

They’ll see: Sometimes life gets hard.
Teach them: ‘The greatest lessons come from the hardest things. Whenever you go through anything difficult you’ll always – always – come through wiser, stronger and braver than you were before. Wherever there’s a dip a rise will always follow.’

7. Have self compassion.

It doesn’t work when other people are cruel to you (because you have too much self-respect for that, right) and it doesn’t work when you’re mean to yourself. Self-critism, self-blame and your inner self critic will fall you if you let it. There is a part in all of us that’s vulnerable, receptive and open to love, approval and being noticed. Speak to yourself as though that part is always listening, because it is. Make sure the things you say to yourself are kind, loving and compassionate. If it’s not your way to be kind to yourself, try it – and watch things change for you.

8. Accept that it’s going to get unacceptable.

Unhappiness comes from the divide between what we expect and what we have. Let go of thinking that this whole situation might feel okay soon. You’ll find a freedom in that. If the situation is bad enough, it might not feel okay until the kids are grown and left home and there’s no need for you to talk to each other any more.

If your ex is truly awful, their attempt to win at any cost may be relentless. They’ll decide on the issue and the fight will be on – money, custody, how awful you are, whose turn it is to have the kids for Christmas, whether you should be breathing in first or out first.

More than likely, the topic will be irrelevant. The issue will be one of control, probably born from losing you. Keep your perspective and remember what’s important. Being good for your kids will always be more important than winning the fight. Let them see you modeling resilience, strength, compassion and emotional muscle. You’ve got it in you. It might take all you’ve got, but it‘s in you. There will be things said and things done that you just can’t control. Fight the important ones, let the others go. Be who you are and let the truth fight it out for you.

We all have within us the courage, strength and wisdom to deal with the challenges that life sends our way. Trust this and reach for it. It’s there. Nothing we go through is ever wasted and it’s important to be open to the learnings. Rather than, ‘Why did this happen to me?’ try, ‘What can I learn from this?’

You might lay awake at night, cry in the shower, scream in the car and fall apart in front of your closest friends. You might wonder how it got to this and when it will end. Just hold steady and keep moving moving forward. When you put yourself on the right path, good things will always come.

Source: https://www.heysigmund.com/when-a-divorce-or-separation-turns-ugly/

How I Found Love Again Post-Divorce—And With Three Kids

Generally speaking, children are less enthusiastic about their parents' divorce than the parents themselves—and are also less-than enthusiastic about the prospect of any new partner in the picture.

My ex-husband and I separated after 16 years of marriage. High school sweethearts, we married a year after I graduated and by the time we separated we had three kids, ages 14, 11 and 9. The day we sat on the sofa and broke the news, my daughter could only yell, "I just started high school!" My sons were equally unenthusiastic. As for me? Well, I hadn't been in any relationship except the one with my husband since I was 18.

The world of dating seemed terrifying. But I conquered it, and I'm grateful I did. Having personally navigated the scary, thrilling, messy world of dating post-divorce with three kids in tow, here's some advice I can share with other brave souls out there.

Finding Your Next Partner

The truth is, finding people to date post-divorce may be more difficult. Say, like me, you're 35 and have three children. You will now need to consider not only whether or not your prospective partner is suitable for you, but also if said partner is suitable to co-parent. This narrows the field right off the bat. Also, where are you going to meet people? If you're like me you have absolutely zero time to spend bar-hopping/surfing Yahoo personals; you're too busy trying to raise people to spend any time on all that nonsense. My advice is to pay attention to potential singles in the produce aisle, as right away, you know they're healthy. One box ticked.

There is also a lot less frivolity. The nonchalance with which you may have approached dating in the past will likely be replaced with a renewed vigor to find a "partner." Maybe you want to spend a few years post-divorce fooling around because you have soundly sworn off all.serious.relationships. But, at some point your mortality is likely to catch up to you, and you will realize that you don't want to be alone forever. Therefore each first date becomes a sort of internally conducted interview for your future. "Pardon sir, but I would like to inquire, how many pair of dirty boxers are strewn about your bedroom?"

I actually had the good fortune of meeting my now-husband Matt in the 6th grade spelling bee when we were 11. We "dated" in junior high and high school, so becoming reacquainted via the miraculous Internet at 35 was actually pretty easy (even if it was over several hundred miles). Matt is the first and last person I dated, and since I didn't really want to be single (I just didn't want to be married to my ex), we wasted no time getting serious. To quote the great When Harry Met Sally, when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Body Image Issues

You may find that you spend more time thinking about your motherly (or fatherly) physique. Marriage has a way of allowing you to become a bit, shall we say, soft. Maybe you haven't been hitting the gym regularly. Maybe if you've had a few kids you have some saggy bits. Wrinkles. Grey hair. Keep in mind that if you're dating in your age range, the people you're dating are probably thinking the same things about their body that you are. Love really is pretty blind, and the right person won't give two shakes about your stretch marks. The first time I disrobed in front of Matt, who hadn't ever seen any woman who had three kids naked, let alone me, I was nervous, and it took a while before I stopped sucking in my gut. Kind of a long while. But those issues were mine, not his, and eventually they dissipated.

Getting Frisky

Sex may be a little, er, weird, and also potentially difficult to orchestrate with kids around. Right off the starting block, if you've been in a monogamous relationship for a long time, you've probably fallen into a Sunday/Friday missionary position (or similar) pattern. Maybe you weren't having much sex at all. Maybe you haven't had many partners overall. The good news is this means the excitement of a new relationship. The bad news is you may carefully plan your sexual escapades only to be walked in on by your toddler (or worse yet, your 14-year-old).

This happened to us. Twice.

Are The Kids Alright?

No matter how much you love the new person you bring into your life, your children are unlikely to share the same warm feelings right away. This is less the case with very young children. Older children will not usually filter their true feelings and may be heard saying something like, "You have ruined my life!" (which my 11-year-old actually exclaimed). Each of the kids had their own reactions to having a new person in our lives. Some were positive. Many were negative. But it got better.

Just know that children have literally zero desire to have the existing parent "replaced." Even if you would sooner see your ex disappear into the Bermuda Triangle, your children are unlikely to share this sentiment. It is helpful if the new partner verbally expresses love and a mutual understanding that they are not the father/mother but rather the boyfriend/girlfriend/stepparent. Our approach with the kids has always been frank honesty. "This isn't easy for anyone. How can we make this better?" Matt generally leaves any "disciplining" to me. And we try to talk as a group when things aren't going well. We have made it clear that he loves them like a father, but is not their father.

If the new partner has children of his own, a completely new dynamic exists. Children are naturally competitive, especially when it comes to their parent's attentions. Your children may not want to share the spotlight, and that may never change. Matt came into our relationship with a cat. So that was pretty easy. But we added two more kids eventually. Jealousies arise just as in any sibling situation. We deal with this by trying to spread the attention around.

The Awkward Factor

If you live in a small town you are highly likely to run into your inlaws/shared friends/people from his office. In fact, even big cities can feel pretty small in these situations. This may be awkward. Really awkward. How you handle this is personal. I could be found either holding my head high or, alternatively, cowering in the darkest corner of a restaurant. If you are out with your children, this can be confusing for them. So talk about it.

Depending on how mature your ex is, they may express a distaste for your new partner to your children. This may happen a lot. No matter how much you'd like to say "Your father/mother is a complete moron. Don't listen to a word they say." Resist. The. Urge. Slandering your ex will only make your children hate you, and the new partner as well. When my ex married someone I didn't necessarily approve of, who spent too much money on buying the kids sunglasses instead of school clothes, stayed out too late, drank too much, etc., keeping my mouth shut was . . . not easy. But it was essential. Our approach was to always try to make our house a place of safety and stability.

You may very well find love again. Seriously. You may find it. It may take hold of you with both hands in a grip so tight you can't, and don't want to try to, escape it. It may not be exactly easy to integrate that love into the life you had with your kids before that person came along, but it's not impossible. In fact it's not only possible, it's completely worth it. I know this because I waited a long time to be with someone I really wanted to sit with at dinner and lay with at night and raise a family with. There were some rocky points along the way, but we made it.

And we only got walked in on during sex twice during the process.

Source: https://ravishly.com/2014/10/06/love-dating-after-divorce-with-kids-advice-tips

4 Essentials to Finding Lasting Love After Divorce

Divorce can leave you feeling like love is impossible. Quentin Hafner opens the door to finding love again—and making it last.

I recently gave a talk to a group of awesome people at Mariner’s Church who were either recently divorced or in the middle of a divorce. I was asked to talk to the group about what’s involved in finding love again after a divorce and how people can successfully navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of new relationships post divorce. In my experience as a therapist working with lots of people who have gone through a divorce, I’ve found there are “4 Essentials” that are necessary to finding lasting love post divorce, and if we work to ensure we have these “4 Essentials” integrated in our lives moving forward, our chances of getting everything we want in our next relationship is within our reach!

1. Developing Awareness:

The first essential in ensuring lasting love post-divorce is our ability to develop insight and awareness regarding some things about ourselves and our relational qualities (or lack thereof). This can be difficult for people to take a look at. To the degree that we can take an honest and objective appraisal of personalities, character, and relational qualities, will dictate our ability to be relationally successful in the future. We need to have a clear understanding of:

• What was our contribution to the relationship ending?
• What are the growing edges of our personalities?
• What did we learn about marriage from our parents that we need to unlearn?

Many people, naturally, move through divorce in emotional pain and a need to see their ex as the “bad guy”. However, in nearly all divorces, with exceptions around abusive issues, we can attribute contributing factors to both parties for the ended relationship. This can be very difficult and requires objectivity, humility, and a deep desire to grow. Why is developing awareness important?

Research confirms that our chances to remain married significantly decrease with our second and third marriages. In fact, by your third marriage, you have nearly an 85% chance of divorce. This daunting statistic is the proof that most people do not diligently seek to develop awareness as described above. Instead, many people falsely believe that if they find “the right person”, their relational outcomes will be different. Research says otherwise. Increased awareness allows us to make better conscious decisions going forward and to avoid unconscious decisions from our history.

2. Developing Self & Other Compassion:

Generally speaking, people typically end marriages in two dominant emotional states: guilt ridden or resentful. Generally, the person who initiates the divorce (The Rejecter) tends to carry with them a heavy burden of guilty for “giving up”, or “walking away.” This person’s journey toward growth is to shed this guilt, which is often implicitly casted upon us from cultural shame regarding divorce. The Guilty Rejecter, may be more inclined to have loose boundaries in future relationships or “tolerate” more than they feel is right for them because of their sense of guilt. The Guilty Rejecters need to be on the lookout for how their guilt may be influencing their future relationship.

Then there are The Rejectee’s. These are the one’s who got “left” in the marriage, and these people tend to carry with them an unhealthy level of hurt and distrust into their future relationships. Because many Resentful Rejectee’s were caught off guard and felt abandoned when the relationship ended, they have a hard time trusting in future relationships. The Resentful Rejectee’s are defensive about relationships and many adopt a posture of “I don’t need anyone.”Developing compassion for ourselves is acknowledging, but not judging or condemning, which of these two emotional states most likely represents our current situation and working toward making small changes in the other direction.

Which one are you?

In our culture, divorce is still a dirty work with lots of negative stigma associated with it. Developing self-compassion is coming to the realization that staying married isn’t always better than divorce, despite our culture’s tendency to see divorce versus staying married in such dualistic, win versus lose scenarios. In fact, in some ways, going through a divorce is a healthier decision than staying in a degrading, life-sucking marriage only to appease cultural norms and placate our ideas of what we think we’re “supposed to do.” As a couples therapist, I believe having a happy and successful marriage is difficult to achieve, but it’s doable. About 10% of the general population have one. Don’t beat yourself up for your divorce. Many, many, people who are married are not any happier than you who are newly single. Trust me.

3. Developing a Clear Road Map of Desire:

Often times, people are so emotionally numb, or emotionally distraught from their marriage ending that they have a hard time seeing a “vision” for the relationship they desire in the future. And many people simply have no clear and intentional ideas of what they’re looking for. To achieve the relationship of your dreams, we have to first know what it is exactly we’re looking for.

Ask yourself and spend lots of time reflecting on detailed questions such as:

• What do I want in a potential mate, what do I not want?
• What are my most deepest needs?
• What things are absolutely essential?
• What positive feelings am I looking for? And which negative feelings am I trying to avoid?
• What kinds of things do I like in a partner, and things I don’t like?
• What are my essential must haves? And what are my essential “bottom lines” to avoid?

Getting a clear direction of what you’re looking for and what you’re trying to avoid will help you to develop a more clear and conscious picture in your mind of what it is you need in a relationship. It will also help you avoid an unhealthy rebound relationship. About the rebound—I’m a bit of a contrarian when it comes to the rebound relationship and for many reasons, I think it can actually be a very valuable process, as long as we know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Sometimes a rebound relationship is developmentally appropriate following a divorce because:

• It can provide a sense of freedom to those who have been stifled in past relationships.
• It can help people gain a sense of hope in new possibilities.
• It can help you explore what you’re looking for in a new mate.
• It can make the transition between marriage and single life more tolerable.

If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, don’t judge it, just understand it for what it is and what it’s providing you. Rebounds are very normal. However, be wary if you find yourself in a rebound relationship and you’re feeling:

• You’re ready to commit and settle down right away.
• Your new relationship is “everything” your ex wasn’t.
• Caution: There are large amounts of oxytocin running through your brain and you’re not thinking clearly.
• You have found “The One.”

Remember, rebound relationships are not necessarily bad. Just try to understand this relationship for what it is, and what it’s providing you without judgment or condemnation and be cautious to move too fast with your new relationship.

4. Developing Increased “Relational Intelligence”:

Being single after a recent divorce can be a wonderful opportunity to learn, or relearn all of the tools and skills necessary for a successful relationship. Many couples divorce not having these skills, and naturally move into future relationships with this skill deficit. Without these basic skills, we will simply have no chance at having a successful marriage. And if you think you have these skills mastered, you can always ask your ex what he or she thinks of your skills set in this department. Areas we need to grow in are:

• Learning how to be effective communicators.
• Stating your feelings and thoughts clearly (and owning them)
• Reflective listening skills
• Developing empathy skills
• Learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way.
• Understanding your underlying feelings
• Know and implement basic fair fighting practices
• Learning how to set healthy limits and boundaries (for yourself and others)
• Learning how to express your needs to your partner

For some, going through a divorce will turn out to be the biggest blessing as you find and settle into a relationship that you’ve always dreamed of. Having this new relationship is not beyond reach, but it takes intentionality and a conscious decision to grow relationally, psychologically, and interpersonally. If you’re committed to growing and you find a mate with the same value to grow personally, you’ll have the makings of something special!

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/four-essentials-lasting-love-after-divorce-fiff/