'I LOVE being a mom, I love watching them grow... they astonish me daily'
Recently, we published a story You can be a happy divorced family. This Parent24 reader responded, telling us about her experience and the journey she's taken on with her three sons.
"I am a single mom with three boys. I was separated while pregnant with my third, and even when we were together, my ex would be gone for 16 hours a day, 6 days a week.
"Anyway, I think back to those times now, and it only made me stronger and more ready to deal with divorce and raising kids alone.
"My first was a hard won baby, almost 4 years in the making, my miracle boy. When he was 9 months old, I discovered that I was pregnant with baby no. 2, my first two are only 18 months apart.
This was not going to be easy...
"We were very happy, my first was such a dream and having another did not scare me at all. I knew that it was by no means going to be easy with an 18 month old and a new born, but I felt ready.
"Well, my second was/is a very difficult child, from the womb I could feel him constantly moving and jumping. Sometimes, it feels like we have a daily battle of wills, him and I, and I don’t always win!
"Hence, when I discovered that I was pregnant with baby number three, I cried and cried and cried. How was I going to cope? Single with a 3.5-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a newborn? But my baby was just the pudding, he fit right into our already established routine.
Let them get involved
"The absolute key: do not alienate the other children when a new one comes along, keep the children involved. We would all sit on the three-seater couch while I breastfed, bonding together. They all bathed together, dressed together, went to bed together, changed nappies together, got muddy together... you get the picture.
"Frankly, it was so much easier for me to work it this way, they just loved being totally involved in everything.
"I also gave up fighting to keep them in their own beds. The baby was in the cot pushed up next to my bed, and often, my other two would crawl into the bed with me sometime during the night. Getting them back into their beds was not worth the fight or the loss of sleep. And they won’t do it forever, they will grow out of it.
"My second still gets into my bed during the night on occasion, but there will come a time when I will have all the time I please to sleep, and will miss the nightly cuddles.
'I work hard to keep our heads above water'
"I am a full time mom, I work full time, I have to be super organized to get through my days. Yes my social life is non-existent, I rarely go out, but I prefer to go home to my boys and spend as much time as possible with them.
"I do not have the luxury of being home by 5pm everyday. I work hard to keep our heads above water, and to give them all the opportunities that they would have with a father in the house and the added income.
"I try and keep a good balance between it all, another key to keeping a happy home, and of course, a happy mom. Time is precious, and it goes by so fast.
'I know I am strong enough'
"For me, it was dealing with the here and now, always being prepared, and continuing with routine. Don’t think too much.
"On the rare occasion that I do have time alone, if I allow myself to think too much about the massive task still ahead of me, I start to feel totally overwhelmed. But I know I am strong enough, I will keep my head up and keep forging on.
"I LOVE being a mom, I love watching them grow, and I love the things that come out of their mouths; they astonish me daily.
"I can’t wait to get home to them."
Source: http://www.parent24.com/Family/Parenting/making-it-work-as-a-single-mom-of-3-boys-20170413
An American mother has written an essay for online magazine Slate about her personal experience of co-parenting – and she's been inundated with negative feedback.
Mother of two and law professor Lara Bazelon, wrote ‘Confessions of a Part-Time Mom” and admitted that although divorce hits hard when young children are involved, part-time parenting has, “Turned into a strange kind of gift.”
And readers have lost their mind, calling her selfish, with one writing:
“I’m sure the author got the memo and it sounds like the divorce was much about having ‘me’ time.”
And another posting:
Or maybe that she is just supremely selfish…not a good idea when you are a parent… so I suppose it’s good she is only a part-time parent for her kids’ sake.”
Or this rather sarcastic comment from Joanie:
"Well, just so long as YOU're happy, that's what counts. That, of course, makes you believe that your kids must be happy too. Because if YOU loved it but your kids didn't, what would you do? That would be awkward. So, they MUST love it. And it must be the best thing for them. Because you like it. Good."
So apparently, although divorce may not even be your choice, a mother is not supposed to feel happy when she is away from her children but instead sit and wither away in pain, missing them every, single, second.
In her essay, Lara described the initial pain of shuttling her children between her and her ex-husband:
“Adding to my initial anger, disappointment, and shame about the end of the relationship was a heavy layer of guilt for forcing our children to trundle back and forth between us.”
Lara wrote that saying good-bye to her children was, “wrenching in a way that seemed to symbolize the larger demolishment of our family.”
But soon parenting part-time became her new normal, and Lara confessed:
“Here’s the truth: Having my two children half the time is exactly the right amount, and I cannot imagine my life any other way. Unhappily married in a 1,200-square-foot flat with two toddlers and an aggrieved spouse, I was physically and emotionally suffocated. Now the same space feels positively palatial, particularly when I am the only person in it.”
And admitting that life is better got readers in digital land hot under the collar.
'The writer seems very stuck in the moment, with little ability to have foresight. Conclusion: we need MORE selfishness,' wrote SAHD Champ on Twitter.
And this from Betsy Ingraham: 'This is a joke, right? You didn't mean to print a sociopath's article, right?'
Of course, Lara is not unaware of the expectation of how part-time mothers SHOULD feel, and goes on to discuss what a ‘good’ mother is supposed to experience.
“I know how I am supposed to feel about my divorced-parent reality. A good mother would be devastated to lose thousands of dinner-bath-bedtime-story evenings. A good mother would be heartsick to wake up alone. Deprived of her children full time, a good mother would feel sorrowful and bereft.”
“Not me. I rarely feel bad when my kids are with their father. For a while, I felt bad for not feeling bad. Finally, I realized what plenty of other divorced moms figured out long ago: Divorce suits us, and actually, it suits our kids. Staying together 'for the sake of the children' is not doing them any favors. Kids know everything.”
Being a co-parent myself, just like Lara, I have to admit I’ve had to search for the silver lining in this horrible situation of not being with my babies every single day too. Otherwise I would not have coped.
Lara's spot on when she confesses there’s no point feeling terrible when your kids are with their Dad – do you want to be miserable half your life?
Why must we completely lose our identity when we’re a mother – whether that’s a full-time or part-time mum? We are still a person too.
When people judge me I often wonder, are they envious of the me-time my part-time parenting forces me to have? And yes, I write 'forces' for a reason.
There are not many mothers who choose part-time parenting unless their are extenuating circumstances.
I never, ever would have chosen to be a part-time mother. I was torn apart when my ex left me with two children, but then demanded he see them half the time.
I'd been with them 90 percent of the time while he worked tirelessly and now I was supposed to cope without them half the holidays, half the school week and half my life?
I remember screaming in one of my many mummy meltdowns, “Why should I live my life seeing my children half the time?”
But – since those horrible days, I’ve realised how bloody miserable I was in that relationship. I’ve found myself again. I’m a better person, happier, more independent and guess what? I am a much more patient, loving mother who relishes every single second she has with her two babies.
So to all those parents or non-parents out there judging people like Lara and myself, for admitting a little me-time is lovely. Just think about the reality of divorce, co-parenting and shuttling kids back and forth and cut us co-parents some slack. We are making the best of a tough family set-up.
And remember, while we do get a break each week – when we do have our children, there is no emotional back-up and you have to be 100 percent focused on them on your days.
I've now learned to appreciate those little creatures and never, ever complain about parenting again.
And that, is the true silver lining. Don't take time with your little ones for granted. Ever. Because I used to - and it took losing half my time with them to realise what a precious gift motherhood really is.
Source: http://honey.nine.com.au/2017/06/21/10/47/a-mother-admits-she-loves-the-freedom-of-co-parenting-and-breaks-internet#YVfLoZMzfw6I5pBM.99
My alternating Saturday mornings are wildly different. In one weekend, I wake and stretch my toes, heave a big satisfactory sigh and smile into the quiet. I prepare my coffee, lazily curl up on my couch to read my newspaper and decide how I will spend the day in self-care and hobbies.
On the next weekend, I can hardly wait for my fifth-grader to come peek into my room so we can loudly make breakfast together in the hopes of stirring her 13-year old sister. The cheerful chaos of mapping out our activity-driven day ensues with the search for shin guards, identifying when homework will be done and getting caught up on the who’s in and out of their fast-paced, friend-swapping lives.
As a divorced parent, both weekends carry guilt.
In the first, I feel guilty for the sheer enjoyment I experience in down time. Often, the quiet lasts too long and I crave the chatter of my girls, and my heart sinks by Sunday evening with missing them. In the second, I feel guilty for having to “catch up” after the past couple of days without them. I have to balance the urge to “make up” for missing them with spoiling them and planning only fun-filled activities void of any normal parent-child responsibilities and chores.
I have learned in my own life and in watching divorced parents for nearly two decades, that navigating the hardness of co-parenting and never really getting used to not living 100 percent of the time with your children takes a lot of work. It also leads to some fairly universal new parenting perspectives.
We have to do it all, and that improves our overall parenting — even if it's exhausting. During our parenting time, we are 100 percent in charge and responsible for all things parenting, including new challenges and issues because we must be both mom and dad.
For me, I had to learn how to be more active with my kids because that was a role, pre-divorce, filled by their dad. He had to learn the art of matching hair bows to outfits and tracking all of the parenting to-dos. We are both now more complete parents, having had to fill both roles.
We have rich relationships with our kids. For better or worse, our children spend more one-on-one time with each of us than they ever did when we were a family unit. Despite the downside of never having us together, they do get undivided attention from each of us on a regular basis.
We have a deep appreciation for time spent with our kids. As any parent who has been away from their child on a business trip or an adult vacation has experienced, you miss your kids. You look forward to seeing them again. You cannot wait to hug them. Divorced parents experience this feeling toward their kids weekly. As a result, a deep appreciation grows post-divorce for the time you get with your children. It is rarely taken for granted and often treasured.
Divorce is hard; parenting after divorce is even harder. But the new parenting perspectives gained from the grit of just getting through it lead to renewed relationships with your children that will be the best version yet.
Source: http://www.omaha.com/momaha/omaha-mom-how-a-divorce-can-lead-to-improved-parenting/article_d2516fce-2f76-11e7-b141-3ff1cfa339f7.html
