Family law firms always see a sharp rise in clients in the New Year. In fact the first working Monday of the year is known as Divorce Day as they receive so many enquiries about getting a divorce. So what is behind this peak so soon after Christmas? Why are there so many people wanting to start divorce proceedings as soon as the festive period comes to an end, a time traditionally known for being together with family?
It’s a sad fact that as many as 42% of couples find themselves heading for divorce in the UK. This figure is as high as 50% in the USA. Divorce is not an easy process, in fact it’s known as the second most traumatic life experience after death of a loved one. It involves a rollercoaster of emotions and many new practical challenges so we need to give it careful consideration when we decide to leave a marriage.
The new year peak in starting divorce proceedings is the same every year. There are several factors that cause this and things to look out for:
• Spending quality time with the family in the holidays if you have a solid relationship can make it even stronger. However if the foundations of the relationship are rocky spending increased amounts of time together can increase the pressure and the cracks will start to show.
• Over Xmas the usual routine of work and school runs is disrupted. We are no longer distracted by them and so we have more time to focus on the relationship and how it is going. It is under more scrutiny as couples are spending more time together.
• Many people have actually decided to break up well before Christmas will have made the decision to get through the festive period as not to upset the family, especially if there are children involved, and then leave in the new year.
• Spending time with extended family often puts a lot of pressure on a couple. Tensions can mount if they don’t get along well or have to walk on egg shells around each other’s family.
• Couples often have different expectations of the Christmas holidays. If one sees it as a chance to put their feet up as they are not at work and the other is left to entertain the kids or cook for everyone it can cause arguments.
• Financial pressures can mount over Christmas as pressure to provide the latest gift for the children and feed the extended family for days on end can be extremely high. This can inevitably cause arguments and tension for couples.
• It’s the season for parties and drinking and if your relationship is already on the rocks it can sadly be a trigger for infidelity.
All these festive period pressures can reach a crescendo, what I call a switch flicking moment, when something tips the balance and you decide you just can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough and you want out. Unfortunately this is the case for many couples and why the divorce rate peaks in the new year.
However if you are aware of this there are things you can do to help your relationship survive Christmas. Here are my 7 top tips to avoiding breaking up over Christmas:
• Don’t let problems fester. If there are any issues raise them with your partner and work together to sort them out before any irreparable damage is done.
• Set aside some time to discuss what you want from the holidays and how you see it working. Make a plan that you both agree to and are happy with.
• Agree a financial budget for the Christmas period in advance and stick to it.
• Make a conscious decision to stay calm and to keep spirits up over Christmas. Don’t be the person who brings the mood down.
• Do your best to get along with the in laws and extended family. Agree to keep visits to a minimum if you know they always cause unnecessary stress.
• Keep the love alive: Be affectionate and playful with your partner. Arrange quality alone time over the holidays where you spend time together doing the things you love.
• Don’t take things too seriously: Keep perspective on the magnitude and significance of things that might trigger an argument. Remember you can diffuse an argument before it happens by choosing to react with love. For example giving them a hug or telling them you love them can diffuse the tension in a heartbeat if you do it sincerely.
The key to any successful relationship is good communication. Find a way that works for you both and remember that you will both have different methods of communicating how you feel. Sticking your head in the sand isn’t a great way to deal with issues and it’s always best to nip them in the bud right away. However it’s never too late to start communicating better with your partner. Be kind, respectful and empathetic towards each other and you will find that your relationship can overcome many obstacles.
Sara Davison is an expert break-up, separation and divorce coach, author, and speaker who has developed the UK’s first Divorce Coaching program providing individuals with the tools, techniques and support needed to help navigate and cope with the process of divorce.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-christmas-the-season-t_b_13454972.html
You're not alone.
Children who’ve witnessed their parents’ marital problems and divorce sometimes replicate those behaviors in their own relationships.
But they also tend to love smarter. They’re less likely to believe in “happily ever after” and know to keep their expectations about love reasonable. Below, kids of divorce open up about how their parents’ divorces have impacted their own love lives.
1. Not trusting that partners mean what they say and will actually follow through.
“I find it hard to trust they’ll keep coming back, which can lead to neediness if I leave it unchecked. My dad, who I adored, and who adored me, had a habit of trying to please me by making promises he couldn’t keep, and this means I often have doubt that anyone will stick to what they say. I used to keep my expectations too low to avoid the disappointment I expected to follow.” ― Reeyee Rockette
2. Fearing commitment and always making an exit strategy.
“Being a child of divorce taught me that ‘happily ever after’ does not really exist. I was always the cynic in the back of the theater who couldn’t buy into the idea of the couple riding off into the sunset. I knew that real relationships were layered and full of complexities. Growing up and watching the layers of a marriage peel off taught me to create walls and manage my emotional investment well. No matter how serious things became, I dated with an emergency exit strategy in place. My fear of heartbreak and divorce has made commitment both terrifying and difficult. So, despite the trail of broken hearts I’ve created, I find comfort behind the walls that keep me emotionally guarded.” ― Phoebe J. Mikneah
3. Being too much of a people-pleaser.
“As a child of divorce, I became the ultimate people-pleaser. Every relationship I have been in focused on me trying to please the other person with little to no regard of myself and my own needs. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted or needed out of a relationship and then became upset when I didn’t get it. Then, I would never be the one to end a relationship out of my fear of abandonment, no matter how unhealthy it was. These are the core issues I still face in my thirties. Even though I am aware of them, it is a hard habit to break when it is ingrained in your psyche. The only way I’ve been able to overcome these struggles is by taking the advice of many relationship experts and to date myself. It felt selfish at first but now I am learning to do what makes me happy and not worry as much about trying to please others.” ― Adam Petzold
4. Dealing with abandonment issues.
“My parents’ divorce and the initial absence of my father caused me to develop severe abandonment issues not only within my love life but also within my relationships with friends. I found myself constantly double checking on the state of these relationships. I was very sensitive to little things that should not have mattered, such as needing reassurance that they loved me or still liked me. I found myself living in fear of offending someone or doing something that would cause them to not want me. These insecurities became severe during my college years and caused issues within my multiple attempts at relationships for years. It wasn’t until I truly did some soul searching that I recognized that the insecurity and paranoia had come from the trauma the divorce had caused me. It was only then that I was able to resolve them and became involved in a healthy, now long-term, relationship.” ― Jeaiza M. Quinones
5. Seeking out spouses with the same issues that broke up their parents’ marriage.
“I saw my mom in a relationship with a narcissist and didn’t know any different. They divorced when I was a child, but I remember it very well. I married one at 19 and we divorced nine years later, but it took several years to be brave enough to do so. I am a better person now but it took a lot of mending.” ― Lindsey Gail Wright
6. Struggling to discuss feelings.
“I struggle to discuss feelings and important issues in relationships. But it mostly taught me there is a way out and that I don’t have to put up with crap from a partner.” ― Tash Smith
7. Holding on to the idea that love must be difficult.
“When surrounded by tumultuous relationships, children yearn for the balance that is key in every relationship. The rocky and inconsistent behavior of watching two adults quarrel can sometimes result in this idea that love must be difficult or a battle in order for it to be considered love. This is commonly felt amongst children of divorce, which may cause them to recreate this behavior in their own love lives. The crucial decision to disown this pattern of dysfunction and develop a new set of ideals, boundaries and perceptions of love is fundamentally what helped me survive and thrive in relationships.” ― Zoe Bernstein
8. Coming on too strong.
“Seeing my parents divorce made me realize how badly I want a happy ending. I’m a hopeless romantic by nature and by my own admission, and that desire can come off stronger than intended when dating. Some people in my life seem to think that I have a ring in my pocket at all times, just waiting to give it to someone, but that’s not the case. I just know that I’d rather have one woman in my life than deal with the headache and drama that comes with dating different people.” ― Mike Zacchio
9. Not undestanding what behaviors are normal in a relationship.
“I grew up in a family of yellers. If we were stuck in traffic, my dad yelled and slammed his fists repeatedly against the wheel. If my mother burned dinner, she shouted in frustration until my brother or I came to comfort her. Now I realize they were taking out their frustrations with each other out on things they couldn’t control—broken ovens, car accidents. When I first started dating my future husband, we hit massive traffic on our way to a concert. I prepared myself for him to start shouting and yelling, just like my father. And... he didn’t. Instead, he invented fun car games for us to play while we wound our way through the inevitable cluster of cars. Only then did I realize that yelling like that, over such trivial matters, wasn’t normal.” ― Emily Ballet
10. Pushing people away.
“I think [the divorce] was the subconscious beginning to the unknowing wall of protection I built around my heart as a teenager and young adult. Once anyone got too close, I pushed them away first so nobody could break my heart, except me.” ― Jayne Schroeder
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/dating-struggles-children-of-divorce-face_us_579a9b91e4b0693164c0a76d
