The Four Divorce Alternatives

No two marriages are the same, and so it only follows that no two divorces will be the same, either.

In fact, if you’re a woman who’s contemplating divorce, you have several options about how to proceed. In general terms, you need to consider four broad categories of divorce alternatives: Do-It-Yourself (DIY), Mediation, Collaborative and Litigation. Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of each one.

Do-It-Yourself Divorce

The best advice I can give you about Do-It-Yourself Divorce, is DON’TDo-It-Yourself!
Divorce is very complicated, both legally and financially. You can easily make mistakes, and often those mistakes are irreversible. The only scenario I can envision when a Do-It-Yourself divorce may make any possible sense, might be in a case where the marriage lasted only two or three years and there are no children, little or no assets/debts to be divided, comparable incomes and no alimony. In a case like that, a Do-It-Yourself divorce could be accomplished quite quickly and inexpensively. Nevertheless, I would still highly recommend that each party have their own separate attorney review the final documents.

Mediation

In divorce mediation, a divorcing couple works with a neutral mediator who helps both parties come to an agreement on all aspects of their divorce. The mediator may or may not be a lawyer, but he/she must be extremely well-versed in divorce and family law. In addition, it is critical for the mediator to be neutral and not advocate for either party. Both parties still need to consult with their own, individual attorneys during the mediation and prior to signing the final divorce settlement agreement.
Here are a few pros and cons to consider before deciding if mediation will work for you.
On the “pro” side, divorce mediation may:

• Result in a better long-term relationship with your ex-husband since you will not “fight” in court.
• Be easier on children since the divorce proceedings may be more peaceful.
• Expedite an agreement.
• Reduce expenses.
• Help you stay in control of your divorce because you are making the decisions (and the court isn’t).
• Allow for more discretion. Mediation is private; litigated divorce is public.

However, on the “con” side, divorce mediation may also:

• Waste time and money. If negotiations fail, you’ll need to start all over.
• Be incomplete or unduly favorable to one spouse. If the mediator is inexperienced or biased towards your husband, the outcome could be unfavorable for you.
• Result in an unenforceable agreement. A mediation agreement that’s lopsided or poorly drafted can be challenged.
• Lead to legal complications. Any issue of law will still need to be ruled upon by the court.
• Fail to uncover certain assets. Since all financial information is voluntarily disclosed and there is no subpoena of records, your husband could potentially hide assets/income.
• Reinforce unhealthy behavior patterns. If one spouse is dominating and the other is submissive, the final settlement may not be fair.
• Fuel emotions. Mediation could increase negative behavior of a spouse with a propensity for physical/mental or drugs/alcohol abuse.

Couples often hear about the wonders of mediation and how it is reportedly a better, less contentious, less expensive and more “dignified” way to get a divorce. However, my biggest problem with mediation is that the sole role and goal of the mediator is to get the parties to come to an agreement --any agreement! Remember, the mediator cannot give any advice. All they can do is try to get you to agree. Unfortunately, not all agreements are good agreements, and in fact, in many cases, no agreement is better than a bad agreement. So unless both parties can be fairly reasonable and amicable (and if they can be, why are they getting divorced???), I believe that mediation is usually not a viable option for most women.

Collaborative Divorce

Simply put, collaborative divorce occurs when a couple agrees to work out a divorce settlement without going to court.

During a collaborative divorce both you and your husband will each hire an attorney who has been trained in the collaborative divorce process. The role of the attorneys in a collaborative divorce is quite different than in a traditional divorce. Each attorney advises and assists their client in negotiating a settlement agreement. You will meet with your attorney separately and you and your attorney will also meet with your husband and his attorney. The collaborative process may also involve other neutral professionals such as a divorce financial planner who will help both of you work through your financial issues and a coach or therapist who can help guide both of you through child custody and other emotionally charged issues.

In the collaborative process, you, your husband and your respective attorneys all must sign an agreement that requires that both attorneys withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and/or if litigation is threatened. If this happens, both you and your husband must start all over again and find new attorneys. Neither party can use the same attorneys again!
Even if the collaborative process is successful, you will usually have to appear in family court so a judge can sign the agreement. But the legal process can be much quicker and less expensive than traditional litigation if the collaborative process works.

Unfortunately, though, I have found that the collaborative method often doesn’t work well to settle divorces involving complicated financial situations or when there are significant assets. In collaborative divorce, just as in mediation, all financial information (income, assets and liabilities) is disclosed voluntarily. Often the husband controls the “purse strings,” and the wife is generally unaware of the details of their financial situation. When this kind of inequality exists, the door is often wide open for the husband to hide assets. What’s more, many high net worth divorces involve businesses and professional practices where it is relatively easy to hide assets and income. Additionally, the issue of valuation can be quite contentious.

So . . . as a general rule, my recommendation is this:

Do NOT use any of these first three options --Do-It-Yourself Divorce, Mediation or Collaborative Divorce -- if:

• You suspect your husband is hiding assets/income.
• Your husband is domineering, and you have trouble speaking up or you’re afraid to voice your opinions.
• There is a history or threat of domestic violence (physical and/or mental) towards you and/or your children.
• You or your husband has a drug/alcohol addiction.

Litigated Divorce

The fourth divorce option is the most common. These days, the majority of divorcing couples choose the “traditional” model of litigated divorce.

Keep in mind, though, “litigated” does not mean the divorce ends up in court. In fact, the vast majority of all divorce cases (more than 95 percent) reach an out-of-court settlement agreement. “Litigation” is a legal term meaning 'carrying out a lawsuit.'

Why are lawsuits a part of divorce? Because contrary to popular belief, divorce usually does not involve two people mutually agreeing to end their marriage. In 80 percent of cases, the decision to divorce is unilateral –one party wants the divorce and the other does not. That, by its very nature, creates an adversarial situation right from the start and often disqualifies mediation and collaborative divorce, since both methods rely on the full cooperation of both parties and the voluntary disclosure of all financial information.

Clearly, if you are starting out with an adversarial and highly emotionally charged situation, the chances are very high that collaboration or mediation might fail. Why take the risk of going those routes when odds are they might fail, wasting your time and money?

The most important and most difficult parts of any divorce are coming to an agreement on child custody, division of assets and liabilities and alimony payments (how much and for how long). Although you want your attorney to be a highly skilled negotiator, you don’t want someone who is overly combative, ready to fight over anything and everything. An overly contentious approach will not only prolong the pain and substantially increase your legal fees, it will also be emotionally detrimental to everyone involved, especially the children.

Remember: Most divorce attorneys (or at least the ones I would recommend) will always strive to come to a reasonable settlement with the other party. But if they can’t come to a reasonable settlement or if the other party is completely unreasonable then, unfortunately, going to court, or threatening to do so, might be the only way to resolve these issues.

If you have tried everything else, and you do end up in court, things can get really nasty and hostile. Up until that point both attorneys were “negotiators,” trying to get the parties to compromise and come to some reasonable resolution. But once in court, the role of each attorney changes. Negotiations and compromise move to the back burner. Their new job is to “win” and get the best possible outcome for their client.

And don’t forget, once you’re in court, it’s a judge who knows very little about you and your family that will make the final decisions about your children, your property, your money and how you live your life. That’s a very big risk for both parties to take –and that’s also why the threat of going to court is usually such a good deterrent.

Here’s my last word of advice about divorce alternatives: Weigh divorce options carefully. The bottom line is that every family, and every divorce, is different. Obviously, if you are able to work with your husband to make decisions and both of you are honest and reasonable, then mediation or the collaborative method may be best. But, if you have doubts, it is good to be ready with “Plan B” which would be the litigated divorce.

Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2012/04/24/the-four-divorce-alternatives/#3311d49120ae

8 Post-Divorce Dating Rules You Should Follow

Dating after divorce is no different than dating before divorce. You've been out of the dating game for years or decades but when it comes to dating, the rules remain the same before and after divorce.

There are no hard, fast rules when it comes to what you should do to get back into the swing of dating after divorce. If you have lain to rest all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date you will probably do fine.

Tips for Newly Divorced Dating
If you have doubts about dating after divorce, the following 8 tips will help you navigate the dating scene more easily.

Be Prudent
It pays to be wise and judicious when re-entering the dating game after divorce. Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but, don’t make it your whole life or feel you must jump back into the dating game before you are ready.

Cultivate Relationships With Other Single People
If you don’t already have single friends, then find some. Your single friends will be a great resource because they are in a similar place and it always helps to have company when dealing with a new lifestyle and situation.

You will find, having single friends to socialize with is a great way to slowly re-introduce yourself into dating and doing things with a member of the opposite sex.

One Date Does Not Form a Relationship
It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again deter you or cause you to think negatively about yourself.

Move on to the next person and be willing to go through the process of elimination. Don’t take dating or yourself too seriously.

Don’t Come on Too Strong
If you were in a long-term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means changing habits and take on the role of a single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

Don’t Forget to Respect Yourself
Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them.

The World Is Your Test Tube
Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. You might now find Mr./Ms. Right on every date you go on but, keep an open mind and you will at least learn something new.

Try Something New
Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy.

Never Underestimate the Power of Flirting
Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long-term goal of falling in love.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/ive-started-dating-again-are-there-any-rules-i-need-to-know-1102824

Learning Self-Reliance After Divorce (and Loving It)

When you're married, you rely on your spouse to handle various things. Perhaps he cooks, and you do the dishes. Or you clean, and he takes out the trash. Maybe you set the budget, and she makes the travel arrangements. Or she takes the memorable pictures, and you organize them into albums. You divide and conquer based on your strengths and weaknesses. After you split, it can take a while to renegotiate with yourself from a division of labor to doing most of it yourself.

In my case, once my husband and I split, after being together for over a decade, I had to learn not to rely on my ex.

My first post-split major moment of personal empowerment was harsh and abrupt, involving a hive full of wasps.

I was getting the house ready for what would be my last barbecue in our marital home. I discovered that a wasp's nest had formed inside the grill. I ran into the house and called my husband for help. Our divorce wasn’t final yet, I had no idea what to do, and I certainly didn't want to deal with the wasps by myself.

My husband, the man who had been around to take care of these things for years, responded calmly, and I felt, coldly.

He sat at his desk at work, and said to me over the phone, "If we were still together, I would run home and take care of this for you. But since you are my estranged wife, you need to deal with this on your own. I suggest you light the grill with the top down and run until it’s all over."

I hung up the phone, furious. How could he leave me hanging with a grill full of wasps? I was still the mother of his child! We’d been married for more than a decade!

I fumed for a while. Then, without a husband around, or an alternate person present to address the problem, I marched over to the grill and . . . did exactly what he told me to. I turned on the gas, hit the ignition switch, slammed the lid down, and ran back into the house. From the safety of my kitchen window, I saw some of the wasps fleeing the now-burning nest. (I felt a bit of empathy for the wasps living in my grill; my own home was about to be taken over, and I was scrambling to find a new place while minimizing the transition for my son.)

As the minutes passed, my initial anger faded, and was replaced with new-found confidence. I’d managed to take on a wasp nest all alone, and uninjured—who knew what other powers lay hidden inside?

Ten minutes later, I returned to the scene of the crime and opened the grill. The wasps were all gone, along with all my fury. I stood there feeling nothing but pride. I had handled a scary situation without my husband! Later, my mother there as a witness, I proceeded to tell all the guests about this dangerous mission. We had a good laugh over it. I also managed the grilling all by myself for the first time ever.

Somehow that combination of killing the wasps and grilling the food myself made me realize that everything going forward would work out okay.

A few weeks later, the moving truck came and moved everything to my new apartment, 10 miles north. Rather than feeling sad about leaving my marital home, I found myself excited to start a new chapter in my life.

I never again asked my ex-husband for help, unless it related to our son. I also think the Great Wasp Incineration prepared for the next radical change that occurred after the house was sold; my communication with my ex dwindled to once a month, limited to child-related scheduling and expenses. There were no longer pleasantries, nor disparaging digs. Our relationship became mostly business, even during the face-to-face child exchanges when my son was little, and especially once he remarried and started a new family. I somehow didn't miss our former, closer relationship as much as I would have expected, in part because I realized I now had to rely on myself—and then came to prefer that. This new independence became a real catalyst to expand my network of friends, and move on.

Since my divorce, I have had to kill several hives of wasps and take on other previously unimaginable tasks by myself: I bought a home, as a single woman. I bought a new car, without a spouse or partner coming along. I’ve managed various moves and even family deaths. I’ve traveled internationally alone with my son. I’ve made major work and life decisions—all without a partner.

This was not at all how I envisioned my life, and yet in some ways, my accomplishments over this past decade have been much sweeter because I can fully attribute them to my own efforts.

Many of my divorced clients and friends have confessed experiencing a similar evolution—initially they were angry about having to face something alone, but later, after completing the task by themselves, they felt a great surge of pride. It could be something as silly as fixing the toilet alone, or driving themselves around town after having relied on a spouse to be a personal chauffeur for years. Dealing with a move or planning a vacation all by yourself is a big deal when you have not had to do this ever, or in a very long time. Of course, we all have the power to do these things, but when you’re married, the cozy warmth of partnership itself can bring this unfortunate corollary—you can lose sight of just how strong and independent you can be.

Source: http://www.splitopia.com/main/learning-to-rely-on-myself-post-divorce-and-loving-it

5 Things My Marriage Taught Me About Dating After Divorce

Even though it can feel like some kind of bad joke to be thrown back into the dating world after going through a divorce, we have to remind ourselves that we know what we are doing.

“What do you like to do for fun?” he asked as we sat side by side at a local bar, craft beer in front of us. This seemingly harmless question made me freeze.

The last time I was single, my pink Razor-phone was cool and social media didn’t exist. Now, freshly divorced and back out there, I was discovering that dating today meant mastering swiping and liking and selfies. It also meant having answers to hard questions like who I was apart from the life I had just spent years creating.

It was almost enough to make me miss being married.

Almost.

After a while, though, I realized that being divorced was actually a dating advantage. I hadn’t failed at a relationship; I wasn’t damaged goods. Yes, I hadn’t dated in over a decade, but I did have a hands-on education about what it took to be a good partner and about what I wanted in a relationship (and what I didn’t).

I knew what it was like to be in a relationship while navigating sick children and work schedules and the mortgage and job loss. And I knew that conversations about emptying the dishwasher and squeezing the toothpaste were never actually conversations about dishes or dental hygiene.

Understanding that made this phase of life far less intimidating. I was not a beginner, after all. Did I have to spend time exploring who I was now that I was single? Absolutely. But I also knew more than I did the last time I dated and this experience was going to lead me to create an even better relationship. Admittedly, I learned this the hard way.

But these lessons have now become the roadmap that I’ll follow to get to a new destination.

Your time together is valuable.

As any parent knows, making time for yourself can be difficult. When you’re married, you also have to navigate the added challenge of making time for your relationship. This is an area where many of us may have struggled when we were married. In the daily chaos of raising children and taking care of a house and working, time for ourselves and time as a couple is sometimes sacrificed to “get it all done”. This can have a devastating impact.

Now, as a divorced parent, if I am making time for another person, it’s because I’ve chosen to do it. Gone are the days of being a 22-year-old, single girl in a studio apartment with time to spare. On weekends when my children are with their father, I could be working, catching up on the laundry or tackling my never-ending “To Do” list – all things that make life as a working mom much easier. If I decide to spend some time with someone I’m seeing instead, it’s deliberate. I’m making the time for it. And I’m assuming that the person I am out with is making room for me, too.

Ultimately, this is a good thing. A relationship that starts with both people appreciating the sacrifices each of them has made to spend time together is one in which someone is less likely to feel undervalued. It’s also one in which both people understand that sometimes they have to put time together above the myriad of other tasks that ask for their attention each day. And that’s the kind relationship that’s more likely to last.

What you want matters, too.

I like to make people happy. Often times, that means I’m likely to put someone else’s needs or wants before my own. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I like to think that making people feel cared for is something that I do well. But in a successful relationship, there needs to be a balance between putting other people first and between putting your needs first.

I struggled with this while I was married and I think it’s common for mothers, especially, to do this. We often put ourselves last. There comes a point, though, where not being able to ask for what you want can have a negative impact. This is how resentment can build in relationships and how seemingly small issues become big issues.

So, now, when I someone asks me if I want to stay in and order pizza or go out for sushi, I know that it’s important to pick the sushi if I need a night out. Because it’s not about the sushi; it’s about making sure my needs matter, too, right from the start. And I’ll hope that he’ll respect me when I speak up, just like I would respect him if he did.

Good relationships are built on the needs of both partners being important.

This doesn’t mean never putting the person you’re dating first; it means finding a balance between both of your needs. Because in a relationship, if you always try to make the other person happy, no one will be.

Be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable does not come easily to me, but vulnerability is what allows us to form lasting connections to one another, so it’s important to try. When we don’t let others see us in our weaker moments, it can negatively affect the bond we share. Researcher Brene Brown has spent years exploring the importance of being vulnerable. “Vulnerability is not winning or losing,” she says in her book Rising Strong. “It’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” And it is one of the keys to lasting intimacy.

I admit it’s not easy for me to text someone first or be the one to suggest getting together. And leaning on someone I’m dating during more significant moments like when there’s a death in the family or when I’m experiencing a challenging moment at work is even more uncomfortable for me. This is the case for many of us, post-divorce.

Vulnerability can feel like a weakness, but we have to remind ourselves that it’s actually the place where our relationships grow stronger.

If you want others to be there for you, you have to give them the chance to show up. This doesn’t mean constantly sharing our life story with every guy we meet or becoming an emotional drain on others. But it does mean putting ourselves out there a bit more and being willing to let others really see us.

Now, while I’m dating, I’m trying my best to be more open, to have more courage and to take risks with my heart. It’s not easy, but I know that it’s essential to build the kind of relationship I want.

When people tell you what they want, believe them.

I dated my ex-husband for seven years before we were married. He kept saying he wasn’t ready and I kept waiting. (I know.) And in doing this, I overlooked things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve often found myself wondering if this is where it all actually began to fall apart.
I won’t make that mistake twice.

If someone I’m seeing says he doesn’t want a relationship or that he isn’t interested in dating a person with children or that he wants to be able to travel spontaneously, I listen. I don’t try to change his mind. I don’t get mad. I am grateful because it takes courage to tell someone what you want when you are dating. And knowing that a relationship isn’t important to someone else allows me to make different choices about my own life and what I choose to prioritize. Now, I know that when someone tells me what he wants, he means it. Because successful relationships happen when both people are in the same place.

Pay attention to the small things.

Like many women, I adore getting flowers, but having been married, I know that even smaller gestures can say more. Flowers are great. They are easy. They are beautiful. They can smooth over a multitude of issues. They are social media-ready (#blessed). And when you first start dating someone, especially after having gone through some tough times, they can be impressive.

But you know what is just as impressive? When someone goes out of his way to remember how I take my coffee. When he keeps Half n Half in his fridge, even though he drinks his coffee black, just because he knows I like it. Or when he turns up the thermostat to 65 and turns down the always-on television, without being asked, simply because he knows both make me more comfortable.

And this isn’t one-sided. I’ll leave the tomatoes out of the salad, or send a quick picture that I know will make him smile. Small gestures and small talk are the things that keep us connected to each other. This is why “How was your day?” is such an important question to ask the people we care about. Sometimes when a marriage ends, the first sign can be when we stop doing the little things; it’s when the small talk stops. So, this time around, I’ll look for a man who buys me Half n Half and flowers.

Even though it can feel like some kind of bad joke to be thrown back into the dating world after going through a divorce, we have to remind ourselves that we know what we are doing. We are not beginners. We have grown and changed and learned so much. And if we put this into practice, we can create the life and the relationships we want.

I was reminded of this recently as I was talking with a friend at a party. She, too, had been divorced but was now remarried.

“Marriage is even better the second time around,” she said. “Really.”

And I know why.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/dating-2/5-things-my-marriage-taught-me-about-dating-after-divorce-cmtt/

6 Tips for Dating After Divorce

When the dust settles and your life gets back to normal after divorce, you will find yourself single and, eventually, likely having thoughts about dating. You may miss the companionship that a partner offers, and we all know that developing a new relationship means you'll have to start dating.

Try jumping back in with both feet, and you may find that dating isn’t like “riding a bike.” If it’s been a while since you have dated you are going to need to fine tune those old dating skills a bit.

Dating after divorce can be a daunting experience for some people.

How to Put The Fear Behind You And Enjoy Dating After Divorce

Here are tips on how to help you get back into the dating game and enjoy your newfound freedom.

Leave the Divorce Details at Home

Nothing is more unattractive than prattling on and on about the problems in your past relationship because you've not dealt with negative emotions. The subject of your divorce is bound to come up and when it does keep it brief and focus your attention on your date and having a good time in that moment. You can be open and honest with your date without spilling your guts or allowing your last relationship to define your dating relationships.

Be Yourself

Relax and let the real you shine. Dating is about getting to know the other person. Finding out if that person has traits we like and whether or not we care for a second date. Keep in mind that your date is probably anxious also and wanting to make a good impression.

Be yourself and encourage your date to do the same. Smiling and enjoying the moment is contagious and before you know it, you both will be at ease with the situation.

Remember, It’s a Date, Not a Therapy Session

If you’ve been through a divorce, especially after a long-term marriage then you have probably been to therapy.

Maybe you learned in therapy that your insecurities in relationships stem from the fact that you learned to avoid conflict as a child and that your mother is a narcissist. This might all be interesting to you but be assured; your date will only think you nuts if you share too much information. Keep it between yourself and your therapist.

Show Interest in Your Date

Pay attention to your date, get to know the person you are having dinner with. Ask questions and listening with genuine interest. Nothing is more flattering to another individual than knowing what they have to say matters. The more questions you ask, the more knowledge you will gain which will help in determining whether or not there will be a second date.

Don’t Get Too Serious Too Quickly

Date for the sake of dating. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people and have some fun before looking for your next serious relationship. It will keep you from jumping out of the frying pan into the fire!

If you've always only dated a certain "type," this is your opportunity to give all "types" an opportunity. Don't box yourself in with self-imposed rules about height, weight, or profession. Get to know many types and you might find you enjoy broadening your horizons.

You Choose How the Date's Ending Goes

How the date ends is up to you. Whether to kiss at the end of the date or ask your date to sleep over is totally your call. Do what feels right for you and your date. At the end of the date if all you want is to flag down a taxi and head for home then you are free to make that choice. However it ends, remember to be courteous at the end of the night. We are all human and deserve respect no matter how the date goes.

The key to successful post-divorce dating is to have fun with it. You have to let go of the past and give yourself permission to be happy with life as it is and yourself. You are an attractive, worthy individual who deserves the attention and fun. Get out and enjoy yourself!

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-for-dating-after-divorce-1103141

This Is What It’s Really Like To Date After Divorce

When all is said and done, everyone’s favorite question is “When should you start dating again?” As with anything divorce related, there’s no real perfect time frame or solution that works for every individual across the board. Every aspect that goes into dating will look different depending on the marriage you are coming out of and the factors that contributed to your divorce. I will share some insight of what helped in my dating decision making.

1. Make Sure Your Marriage is 100% Over

• Discern if there is ANY chance at all for reconciliation. If you are still working on your marriage, perhaps in a counseling program, or have a lingering desire (on either end) to stay married, stick to Plan A. Dating or letting your heart wander while there is still hope for your marriage will do nothing but add more layers to recover from. Chances are, you’ll have enough craziness to deal with, why add yet another party to the mix. Remember, it’s not over until it’s over.

2. Take Some Time

• DivorceCare says, a simple equation for when you’re ready to date is take the time you were married and divide it by two. This number is the amount of time it supposedly takes for you to emotionally heal before entering a new relationship. My ex-husband and I were legally married for 5 years, but he was 100% out by year 4. Meaning, 2 years is my magic dating number. It was closer to a year and a half from the time my ex really left that I started dating my now boyfriend. However, it was two and a half years total from the day he left the first time (so much leaving, who can keep track?).
• I spent this time seeking council, reading, crying, mourning, praying, and authentically healing. How you spend this time will determine how you operate in your future relationships. I am currently in a healthy relationship (with an amazing man) because I spent this time single and grieving.

3. Resist the Rebound

• Set the bar as high as they come. Not in an unrealistic, shallow sense, but in a cautious one. Your heart has been through enough, don’t inflict any more unnecessary pain. From the start of my separation to the very day my divorce was final, all sorts of random friends were coming at me saying they had someone for me to meet. Any time I would make mention that I was going through a divorce or freshly single, their light bulb would go off and all of a sudden everyone was convinced they knew my next soul mate. All of these suitors were slightly off in one way or another. Perhaps there was no attraction or we didn’t share a similar faith or they weren’t all that thrilled that I had a child or (you fill in the blank).
• With the online dating world booming, it is so easy to get your profile up, sit back, and wait to see who wants to date you! However, online dating as a divorced person feels less appealing. You can’t explain in the 160 characters About Me section why exactly you’re divorced. I didn’t really dabble in this enough to give an accurate review, but those are my thoughts nonetheless. It seems that it would be discouraging because you have to check the divorce box, and you can’t always explain the whys initially.
• After you’ve experienced the rejection of infidelity and divorce, of course, the attention is nice. However, don’t use attention from Joe Schmo to help boost your ego and jolt you into a new relationship. It’s always, ALWAYS better to be alone than settling for someone who you’re not all that thrilled about.

4. It Will Feel Different (and that’s okay)

• Oh, the feelings! All the feelings! Falling in love after you’ve gone through a divorce feels different. Your heart will experience emotions more cautiously, which is natural. It took me awhile to really believe that history wouldn’t repeat itself. I didn’t come from a marriage where we fought or had marital “issues”, so my ex’s affair and all that transpired because of it was shocking. If this could happen to our marriage, it could happen to anyone’s or my next one! It’s a process that requires a lot of time and prayer. I will say, the love and reassurance that comes from a quality man helps combat the lie that your second marriage is doomed because of your first.
• Ask yourself if you’re feeling different simply because of the life stage you are in. Take into account the age you were when your former marriage started versus now. Not only will you feel more guarded because of what you’ve been through, but by nature falling in love at 22 feels different than falling in love at 30. That’s 8 years of growth and evolving to take into account. This is far from a bad thing.
• Lastly on this one, don’t believe the lie that you won’t find love again. I do remember feeling like I would NEVER find anyone I would ever love as much, find as funny, or enjoy life with as much. All of which are FALSE. Other lies my mind would tell were that I would NEVER find someone who would want to date a divorced 30 year old with possible trust issues, a spunky little 3 year old, and a baby daddy still in the picture. Talk about a handful o baggage (and lies). Life is unpredictable and you are who you are because of those unpredictable turn of events. Don’t deem that stronger version of yourself who overcame a shit ton of obstacles a bad thing. Most men find that strength in a woman to be an attractive quality. You will find love again and it will be refreshing.

5. Careful with the Kiddos

• Before I started dating, I was convinced that I was not going to introduce my daughter to my boyfriend until we were close to getting engaged. I did not want her to witness another man leaving her mommy. Honestly, she’s so young, it’s doubtful she’d arrive at that conclusion anyhow, but I definitely wanted to be OVERLY cautious.
• At the start of my current relationship, I obviously told my boyfriend I had a daughter, but I did my best to never put any pressure on the dynamic between the two of them. I wanted to give my relationship enough time to develop on its own before even thinking about adding in the element of my child. And my boyfriend definitely appreciated that I wasn’t trying to force him into fatherhood on the second date.
• We dated for three months before the two of them met. When they did meet, it was very casual. We treated it like any time my daughter meets a friend of mine. My boyfriend and I didn’t show much affection in front of her and in her mind, he was just another friend. As time went on, we spent more time together and their relationship developed naturally. Naturally, is the key word here. We would go out to lunch, do puzzles, play with Legos, watch movies, go to the park … pretty much activities that take place in my daughter’s normal toddler life.
• Don’t bring a “disneyland dad” into your child’s life. When the three of us spend time together it is never extravagant or extreme. He doesn’t bring her new toys every time he sees her. He doesn’t let her get away with murder and do whatever she wants. He supports and reinforces the way I parent. Their natural bond developed nicely because it was not based on presents or theme parks, but genuine care and quality time.
• Finally, NEVER allude that this person is taking the place of your baby daddy (unless your ex is completely out of the picture for legal reasons). Your new love interest is not meant to replace a parent but join the team. My boyfriend’s stepmom uses the term “bonus mom”, which I love. Step has such a negative connotation, where bonus just sounds like an added blessing. I definitely plan on using that term with my daughter in the future.
• A lot of insight, I know! My plea for all the single ladies out there is that you would be cautious and patient. The right man who helps undo all of the madness you’ve experienced is absolutely worth the wait.

Source: https://www.thesplendidpath.com/articles/2018/5/14/5-steps-for-dating-after-divorce

3 Reasons to Wait for Your Divorce to Be Finalized Before Dating

Regardless of your family situation, when you're in the middle of finalizing divorce procedures, you may feel the urge to start seeing someone else in order to move on with your life. Despite the fact that this is a completely understandable and normal way of moving on from a difficult relationship, problems may arise if things have yet to be completed.

Often, you’ll hear advice that counsels spouses to avoid dating until the divorce is complete. This advice may be difficult to follow, especially when normal feelings of loneliness surface or you end up meeting someone who creates a spark that you haven’t felt in a while. Unfortunately, the legal system is obliged to uphold the letter of the law, which means that courts are far less interested in the spirit of the law. As a result, it’s often best to wait until things are over before beginning to date again.

1. Dating Is Easily Misconstrued as Adultery

Depending on the nature of your divorce proceedings, including the jurisdiction in which you file your motion, the legal application of the concept of adultery could end up having a huge impact on your divorce. Depending on these variables, you may be in a situation where the law allows for special considerations when adultery enters the a divorce.

If the judge believes that one partner has been unfaithful, the court may end up deciding to place more of the onus of the divorce on your behavior instead of your spouse, leading to an inordinate amount of blame pointing to you for the breakup of the relationship.

In the event this happens, probabilities dictate that you will end up having to pay more alimony or receive less spousal support than if you weren’t seen to be conducting your personal affairs in a way that may be considered adultery.

The worst case scenario tends to occur when a spouse unsuccessfully attempts to hide a dating relationship from their former partner, which is likely to create significant problems during your divorce. Even worse, email, text messages, phone calls, and all communication activities may easily be tracked and brought to the forefront, making your case look even worse in the eyes of the court.

Even if your divorce is a relatively amicable split, your ex-spouse may use this fact against you in order to make sure that their interests are protected.

2. May Increase the Cost and Length of Divorce Proceedings

Since adultery can be considered a concern in the eyes of the court, anytime someone is dating another during the proceedings of a divorce, suspicion may be raised by the other party in terms of when the relationship started, and whether or not this relationship was part of the cause of the divorce. This can lead to incredibly awkward situations for all involved, leading to additional costs and time spent arguing in the courtroom.

Your new partner may actually be called to the stand to legally testify the facts, including issues such as the first time that the both of you went on a date and the first time that sexual intercourse took place in the new dating relationship. Other revelations may be pushed to the forefront, revealing your spending habits towards your new date and the activities that the two of you partake in.

All of these complications may pop up anytime you’re dating during a divorce, even if you and your date have done everything in an honest and open manner. In legal terms, your behavior may not be seen under the same innocent light. Even holding hands with a date after going to a movie may be presented as proof of unfaithfulness in marriage, twisting something positive and normal into a negative headache.

In addition to financial penalties, if your new dating relationship is deemed to be inappropriate, the custody rights you have for your children may also be permanently affected. In this scenario, simply introducing your new date to your kids may be considered an act that is contrary to maintaining a positive atmosphere for your children.

It should be repeated that even if your children and ex-spouse are completely comfortable with their parents dating other people during the case, the divorce court may still interpret your personal behavior as something that negatively affects the happiness and growth of your children. This leads to a greater probability of restricted visiting rights and other  restraints on your ability to see and parent your kids.

3. Zero Chance of Legal Repercussions After Full Separation

Considering the fact that divorce proceedings can range from simple and amicable to complex and adversarial at a moment’s notice, it’s always a good idea to avoid complications during the divorce. The more variables that are added to the case, the longer and costlier that the potential outcome will be. As such, the best reason to wait until your divorce is finalized is simply the fact that you cannot suffer legal repercussions for dating after divorce.

When you and your spouse are fully separated with monetary and filial concerns worked out to a reasonable and satisfactory solution, you’re completely free to date whomever you want, whenever you want, without having to worry about how it will affect the rest of your life.

The fact that your new partner can be dragged into court to testify against you should be enough to convince you that it’s a terrible idea, even if you’re not worried about the financial outcome or custody of kids after the divorce.

Resist the Urge to Date While Divorcing

Most people are completely understanding when it comes to dating while you’re undergoing a divorce, recognizing the simple fact that human beings need companionship, often more so when going through one of the most stressful events that a person may experience. The truth is that the legal divorce system is rarely capable of processing this type of nuance when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

As a result, the amount of trouble that you may potentially experience multiplies when you date during proceedings. Not only can your entire case be considered in a completely new and unfavorable light, but you also risk severe monetary penalties as well as a reduction in your custody rights.

If at all possible, wait until your papers are completely settled before looking to heal a wounded heart through the love of another.

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/reasons-to-wait-for-your-divorce-to-be-finalized-before-dating/