"If I can do it, anyone can. Life is short, be happy."
Carol Johnson has tried her hardest to look for a silver lining in getting a divorce at 58. After three decades with her ex-husband, adjusting to this new normal has been anything but easy. But slowly, she's started to re-embrace life.
"I may be just another 58-year-old baby-boomer divorcé, but I try to look at it this way: life is short -- you might as well smile through it," Johnson, a San Diego-based social media specialist and blogger, told The Huffington Post.
Below, Johnson, who expects to have her divorce finalized this year, shares her uplifting story of starting over again.
I should have seen it coming. The gym workouts, the new Porsche, then the final phase: he wanted a divorce after 30 years together.
I had given up my career, like so many women do, to raise our children and help build our lives together. So in a way, I actually lost my job and my husband on the same day. I felt like I had put 30 years into a dead-end job and now I had gotten fired. Who was going to hire a woman my age? I knew he wouldn’t be writing me a letter of recommendation.
It was a quite a shock after being married for so many years to be single, this time with teenagers. Our married friends turned away from me like divorce was something you could catch. I felt old, lonely and discarded. The house felt really empty, so we bought a cat to bring another living thing into our lives.
I knew I couldn’t spend too much time mourning a marriage that was obviously over. I really believe you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be unhappy, and I decided on happiness. It was scary and yet kind of exhilarating to think I had the chance to start over again. The one part I wasn’t so thrilled about was being dumped back into the stagnant dating pool at 58.
Eventually, I started taking better care of myself. As I was getting my hair cut I overheard the man next to me talking about his online dating experiences. He actually called his dates "meetings." At this point, he had been to so many "meetings," he was afraid he'd slip up one day and the women would know they weren't the only one. He made it sound so easy and fun that I went home and signed myself up on a few dating sites.
At first, online flirting is kind of fun. Then I started scheduling my own "meetings" for coffee. I treated them like job interviews so I wouldn’t be nervous. It's great trying to match the men to their online photos; believe me, some haven't updated their photos in years. I met a lot of nice people and heard some great stories. But the difficult part of dating at this age is that everyone has some kind of baggage. The men you date will probably be paying alimony themselves and having teenagers is sometimes like kryptonite -- some men want nothing to do with you -- but that's OK. You keep looking.
Today, as the divorce process wraps up, I am busy reinventing myself. I am writing and working and I blog. My smaller family has grown closer and we are starting to travel together. I know that I am a lucky woman.
To anyone going through a divorce at this age, please know that baby boomer divorces are skyrocketing, so you are far from alone. (In fact, you're part of the gray divorce trend.) In the wake of your divorce, try something new, reinvent yourself. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can. Life is short, be happy.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_us_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303
So long Shirley Valentine, it’s the turn of the men.
The phenomenon of older women ditching their husbands in mid-life, which inspired the tale of a middle-aged woman who finds new love on a Greek island, has been turned on its head.
New figures show that men are driving mid-life divorce as their earnings make them more attractive to younger women.
The proportion of so-called "silver splitters" who end their marriages in their 50s and 60s has increased.
One report, by think tank the International Longevity Centre, found that from 1990 to 2012, the number of over-60s getting divorced rose by over 85 per cent.
Now divorce experts have suggested that men could be driving this pattern as they reach their peak earning power and women worry about the financial implications of splitting up.
In every age group until 45, more women are divorcing than men. But the pattern changes in over-45s, when men overtake women.
For those aged over 60, 9,443 men divorced compared to 5,783 women. Older men are now divorcing in greater numbers, while women's average age has remained static.
The ONS said: "In 2014, the number of divorces was highest among men aged 45 to 49 and women aged 40 to 44.
"This represents a change for men, since between 2005 and 2013, divorces were highest among men aged 40 to 44."
Ellen Walker, a solicitor at Hall Brown Family Law, said increasing financial independence and concerns about the well-being of children meant younger women were more inclined to exit troubled marriages than men of the same age.
Younger female clients often want to minimise the distress caused to children still at home who witness domestic disputes.
However, the picture reversed as husbands’ earnings reached their peak and children left home. In its report, the ILC warned that growing mid-life divorce could have a serious effect on women's finances, as they were likely to earn less and have a smaller pension.
It said that divorce "may lead to financial difficulties, especially for women who may have been stay at home mums who do not have much by way of long-term savings of their own."
It added: "While rising labour force participation has helped to reduce the financial dependence of women on their spouse, the story is complicated with evidence of a continuing gender divide between men and women in terms of pay, particularly at older ages, and a low proportion of women saving for retirement."
Last year TUC analysis found that the gender pay gap was widest between men and women in their 50s, with women of this age group earning £8,504 less a year than men on average.
Previous analysis has also suggested that men reach the peak of their earning power in their early 50s. Ms Walker said that middle-aged women were now more likely to try to keep troubled marriages going because of these money worries.
She said: “There is a stark difference from the mid-forties onwards. With children grown and parental responsibilities seemingly discharged, it is men who are far more likely to lead the divorce process.
“In our experience, this often coincides with the point at which men reach their peak earning potential and, therefore, the possibility of being able to afford to start a new life.
“That increasing income and seniority at work can also increase their appeal to the opposite sex, including among younger women, perhaps placing troubled relationships even further in peril.”
According to the ONS, the difference is also partly explained by the traditional age disparity between couples. It said: "More women than men divorced below the age of 45; at older ages more men than women divorced.
"This pattern reflects the fact that on average men marry women who are younger than themselves."
A breakdown of who petitioned for divorce by age is not available, but the figures do suggest that fewer women asking for divorce is the main driver of a declining divorce rate.
ONS figures show that the overall number of women petitioning and being granted a divorce tumbled from 105,177 in 2004 to 69,803 in 2014, while figures for men fell by just 6,000, from 47,580 to 41,364. During the same period, the overall number of divorces granted fell from 152,923 to 111,169.
Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/27/longshirleyvalentine-turn-men-divorce/
