Patience, Persistence and Consistency

Whether you're working through a period of challenge or adversity, or trying to keep yourself motivated as you work towards a goal, three traits appear to be key based on my experience; Patience, Persistence and Consistency.

In this video I share my own experiences and interpretations of these traits and how I apply them in my own life.

If you're interested in learning more, and hearing thoughts on other ways in which we can tackle adversity and rise above challenge, I'd love to share with you my new podcast: Kintsugi Life.

You can access the latest episode and all previous ones on iTunes, at:

http://bit.ly/kintsugi-life

4 behaviors are the most reliable predictors of divorce

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument when suddenly the other person pulls out their phone and starts texting?

If the answer is yes, and if you find it happening constantly, we hope that person isn't your significant other.

This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.

In fact, when Gottman and University of California-Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviors — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.

When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.

The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurred the researchers to label the four behaviors "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."

While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviours.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.

So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviors actually look like in a relationship?

1. Contempt

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.
This behavior alone, says Gottman, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.

Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.

If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

2. Criticism

Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her character (the type of person he or she is).

Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.

Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"

Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.

3. Defensiveness

If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.

Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a 2-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?

Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.

He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."

4. Stonewalling

You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?

Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.

We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.

Don't panic

It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviors — or all of them, even — is completely normal.

It's when these negative behaviors happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.

Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.

Source: http://uk.businessinsider.com/4-behaviors-can-predict-divorce-2015-1

Dealing with Anger during a Separation or Divorce - Parent Connection

Anger is a natural and normal response to loss and everybody going through a relationship breakdown will experience it. Although anger is a necessary and healthy response to separation it can be scary, both for the person experiencing the anger and the person on the receiving end. Firstly because the intensity of feeling can make you feel like you’re out of control. Secondly, because it can be unpredictable – you can swing from feelings of hatred and revenge to feelings of insecurity and sadness and then back again.

Feeling angry is not necessarily a matter for concern, but how you deal with that anger is a major one for parents post separation. Feeling angry is healthy when it gives you the energy to get on and take control; when it protects your self esteem and it helps you to stand up for yourself. It also helps you to separate emotionally from your ex.

Dealing with anger is unhealthy when you:

Bottle up your anger and turn it inwards as this can lead to depression. This can make you less available to your children and deprives them of the normal relationship they have with you.

Express your anger as aggression (and this includes silent, passive aggression) as this damages you and the people around you. Seeing conflict is frightening for children and affects them. Anger directed at the children’s other parent will interfere with the development of a co-parenting relationship and will affect the quality of your children’s relationships with both parents.

To make sure that your anger works through in a healthy way, talk about your feelings to friends or a counsellor. Use some of that energy in physical exercise - hit a punch bag, a cushion or a football. Take care of yourself.

If you feel your anger has becomes a problem you may need to change the way you think.

You may think you have a right to be angry and whoever it’s directed at deserves it. No matter how justified it is, ask yourself what good is the anger really doing. Weigh this up against the damage it’s doing to you and your children.

You may think its ok to be angry because it doesn’t affect anyone else. Just because you don’t rage and shout doesn’t stop people noticing your anger and feeling unsafe or intimidated. Neither does it stop you being stuck in the past and unable to move on.
You may think that being angry is a way of getting what you want. Ask yourself what you truly want – revenge for what’s happened to you or to be treated fairly. Being a bully is not a way of getting justice and can backfire badly. You risk communication breakdown with the other parent which is a trigger for problems with the child contact arrangements.

You may also need to acknowledge past hurts. You might think that you have got over past losses and injustices, especially those from childhood. If you are now finding that your response to the current situation is way over the top it may be that they still have the power to affect you. Although you can’t do anything to change your experiences, your attitude towards them could change. It can be difficult to do this alone and counselling could help you to explore your feelings in a safe way.

If you are being affected by your partner’s anger

If your ex’s anger seems extreme or if they seem to be stuck in anger and unable to move on, you need to protect yourself by limiting your contact with your ex. Your first priority is to make yourself and your children safe. You may need to involve a solicitor to help and advise you. The Domestic Violence Helpline offers confidential support and information 24 hours a day.

Source: https://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/dealing-with-anger-during-a-separation-or-divorce-parent-connection

Divorce: when friends take sides, it just gets messier

When a couple splits up, their mutual friends can have torn loyalties. Don’t force them to take sides, says Celia Dodd

When you’re splitting up, you need all the friends you can get. So it feels particularly cruel when people drop you like a stone. If you’re a woman, the invitations dry up because you’re perceived as a threat, while even friends you’ve known for years side with the partner they knew first.

But there is another reason, according to leading divorce experts. One anonymous expert says “Your break-up means your friends have to look at their own relationship. You are a mirror in which they might see something which resonates with them, which they would rather be in denial about. Friends don’t want any of your bad energy being reflected back at them.”

It’s pretty standard to take sides with the partner who is seen as most hard done by, even though we all know that there are two sides to every story, and there’s no one to blame if a couple simply falls out of love. People often take sides with the best, albeit misguided, intentions: it is seen as a sign of loyalty to end contact, a betrayal if you continue seeing the other half. And of course it all gets more complicated and judgmental if there’s a new lover in the picture.

Lucy and her partner are a case in point. They were close friends with another couple for years. They went on holiday together, their kids got on, and they were devastated when the couple broke up. But looking back, Lucy regrets the way she behaved.

She says, “I was incredibly judgmental, and I refused to have anything to do with the wife, who I felt was in the wrong. It was partly because I assumed that’s how her ex-husband expected me to behave. It was my way of showing solidarity. But looking back, I realise that was not what he wanted at all. And as a result I lost a really good friend.”

When a couple divorces there is a ripple effect on everyone around them, and there are bound to be torn loyalties. Experts believes all sides need to be aware of this and do their best to keep things amicable. Advice for divorcing couples is simple: don’t force your mutual friends to take sides, don’t burden people who know you both with too much information, don’t badmouth your ex to them, and know when to keep your counsel.

Another expert says “You need one person who is just your friend, who isn’t involved with both of you. With him or her you can offload as much as you like. Perhaps see a professional to work on how and why it happened. That’s much better than asking someone to take sides.

“A really good friend will also suggest that you see your ex’s perspective on certain things, rather than just feeding your venom, and will support you in thinking about what comes next.

“Meanwhile mutual friends need to take responsibility too, and make it clear that they’re not going to play piggy-in-the-middle. If they get an invitation from one person they should tell the other and explain that they want to stay friends with both partners. If the response is ‘You’re betraying me’ so be it. As a friend you have to go with your own integrity.”

Source: http://www.high50.com/love/divorce-when-friends-take-sides-it-just-gets-messier

4 Ways a Breakup or Divorce Can Affect a Couple’s Friends

Most breakups are painful—not just for the couple, but also for those standing in the surrounding blast zone. We often hear about how divorce can affect the immediate family, but we rarely think about how a breakup or divorce affects a couple’s friends.


Studies have shown that divorce often negatively impacts those with up to two degrees of separation from the couple. If you’re friends with a recently divorced or broken-up pair, it is likely that your life may be impacted in one of the following ways.

1. You’re More Likely to Get Divorced

You wouldn’t necessarily think that someone else’s divorce could affect your marriage, but some studies show it can.

Divorce contagion is a social phenomenon wherein certain behaviors, feelings, and attitudes spread throughout a social network. This occurs because people tend to become more open to ideas and behaviors when they’re supported by their peers. When a married person talks with a divorced friend, he or she directly or indirectly learns the benefits and drawbacks of separation and may become more accustomed to or interested in the idea. If your significant other has been on the fence about the viability of your relationship, a divorce within your social circle can become a tipping point.

According to prominent research, if your friend gets divorced, your marriage has a 147% greater chance of coming to an end. Even your coworker’s divorce could affect your life, increasing your probability for divorce by 55%. According to the same research, however, if you have children your marriage will likely remain unaffected by the divorce of a friend. Children have been found to counter the effects of the social divorce contagion. Research reveals that couples with children are not as susceptible and their marriages are likely to stay intact regardless of the outcome of friends’ marriages.

2. Couple Friendships May Dissolve

If you’re married or in a long-term relationship and both you and your partner are friends with parting couples, it is quite possible that many or all of the shared friendships will dissolve. The double dates to movies, dinners, and sporting events will end immediately, but it may even be difficult to remain friends with an individual within a shared friendship.

Newly single people tend to dislike spending time with couples if it reminds them of an ended marriage or relationship that didn’t pan out. Similarly, couples may feel uneasy about spending time with a newly divorced friend if they were once friends with both partners. They may feel pressured to choose sides or reveal information to one party about the other.

In one study examining the fallout effect of ended relationships, for 50% of recently split couples, the former partners also ended friendships with one or more members of another couple with whom the former partners had been friends. One in eight couples ended their friendships with both partners in a mutual friendship. Don’t be too discouraged by these findings, however. It is quite possible to maintain your friendships after a relationship has ended. In fact, about 33% of the couples in the same study reported that they were able to remain friends with both of the individuals in a shared friendship.

3. Group Outings and Events May Never Be the Same

As mentioned earlier, if a couple in your social circle splits, your group of friends could end up losing one or both individuals from the recently parted couple. If your group is able to maintain the friendships, however, there will probably still be some difficulties when planning events such as birthday parties, group dinners, or other events that bring everyone together. One partner may not wish to see the other, forcing the group to choose when making invitations. One or both members of the former couple may choose not to come to a group event out of fear of seeing the other, or they could both come and end up arguing or making the event awkward for others in attendance.

It should be stressed that this isn’t always the case. Many couples are able to maintain healthy friendships and treat each other with kindness and respect. Regardless, your group of friends will notice some changes when it comes to getting the gang together.

4. Remaining Neutral Could Be Difficult

Most people who are mutual friends with both members of a divorced or split couple will choose to remain neutral and maintain friendships with both parties. Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy. Many people feel pressured to choose between friends, and they may not know how they should act around their newly divorced pals.

For this reason, people may start to distance themselves and friendships could weaken. As a mutual friend of the couple, expect to experience some uncomfortable feelings in the months following the breakup.

Help Your Friends Reach Out for Help If They Need It

Ending a relationship or filing for divorce is tough on all involved parties, including a couple’s friends. In the days, weeks, and months following a breakup or divorce, people generally reach out to friends for support, confirmation that they did the right thing, and a shoulder to lean or cry on. Be a good friend and be aware of some of the changes within your friend’s life.

If your friend has recently ended a relationship, know that some things are going to change, especially if he or she (or they) belonged to a larger social circle that you’re a part of. Be sensitive to these changes and try to help your friend get through them. If you notice he or she is exhibiting symptoms of depression or experiencing an unusual amount of stress and anxiety, please consider helping your friend find a qualified therapist to speak with. A therapist can provide a safe, neutral space, free of judgment, to help a person understand his or her feelings and behaviors related to the ended relationship, and the shifting dynamics that will inevitably occur after the split.

References:

Chen, Stephanie. (June 10, 2010). Could you be ‘infected’ by friend’s divorce? Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/10/divorce.contagious.gore/
Deal, Katherine H., and Grief, Geoffrey. (August 31, 2012). The impact of divorce on friendships with couples and individuals. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. Vol 53, Issue 6. DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2012.682894
Morin, Rich. (October 21, 2013). Is divorce contagious? Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/
Moutria, Kristen. The Effect of Divorces on Mutual Friendships. Global Post. Retrieved from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/effects-divorces-mutual-friendships-14139.html

Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/4-ways-a-breakup-or-divorce-can-affect-a-couples-friends-0324157

"Bird's Nest" Co-Parenting Arrangements

When Parents Rotate In and Out of the Family Home

A “bird's nest” co-parenting arrangement is one that is uniquely child-centered. Rather than the children having to adapt to the parents’ needs and living in two separate dwellings, they remain in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out, like birds alighting and departing the “nest.” During the time parents are not at home with the kids, they live in a separate dwelling, which can either be on their own or rotated with the other parent. It is a novel yet sensible arrangement, as children experience much less disruption in their lives and routines than having to shuttle and adapt to completely new living arrangements. It can be either a semi-permanent or temporary arrangement, to allow children a smoother transition to life as a divorced family.

Clearly, bird nesting will work for some but not all parents. A bird's nest arrangement will only work if parents live in close proximity, or are able to be in the family home when it is their turn for parenting the kids. It works best when parents are co-parenting, as opposed to one parent being a full-time caregiver with the other a “visiting” parent. The expense involved is another factor, depending on whether parents arrange for one or two residences away from the family home. If the former, bird-nesting need not be any more expensive than parents living in two separate households. It may even be less expensive than maintaining two homes for the children, as the external residence may be much more modest if the children are not residing there; a one-bedroom apartment or studio is likely to provide more than enough space. In addition, parents do not have to purchase two sets of toys and clothing for the children as they would if children are rotating between two households. If parents opt to maintain two different residences apart from the family home, they have to factor in the additional expense; the cost of maintaining three residences will be prohibitive for many. Finally, bird nesting while sharing one residence in addition to the family home is extremely challenging when new partners appear on the scene. In particular, privacy may become a serious issue of concern for one or both parents, since the other parent’s ongoing presence is obvious and unavoidable.

Bird nesting works best when parents are able to separate their co-parenting responsibilities from their previous marital conflicts, and remain amicable and cooperative as they confer about continuing household arrangements and the children’s needs. Both need to be prepared to maintain a certain level of consistency of purpose, discipline, and child-raising techniques to make it work well; this means being able to communicate clearly and peacefully rather than taking each discussion as an opportunity to argue. Household and house maintenance arrangements, and ground rules, must be absolutely clear, and each parent must closely stick to the agreed-upon arrangements; over time, as they settle into the new lifestyle, more flexible arrangements are possible. A clearly drafted co-parenting plan or negotiated schedule at the outset is essential. Ongoing mutual respect is vital; and although it is reasonable to assume that there will be arguments or disagreements about various aspects of the arrangement, it is critical that children are shielded from ongoing conflict.
Often, this form of co-parenting will end when the youngest child reaches the age of majority, at which time one parent may either buy the other out of their interest in the family home, or it is sold and the proceeds divided pursuant to the matrimonial property regime or separation agreement.

A bird's nest arrangement is about ensuring that children’s lives are minimally disrupted, while the adults, who are theoretically more able to cope with the disruption, bear the brunt of the changes. Children are reassured to know that even though their parents are divorcing, they will be able keep the routine, continuity, and permanency to which they are accustomed. They remain in the family home, their school and neighborhood friendships can continue uninterrupted, and of course they are able to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, which is crucial to their ongoing well-being. Parents who opt for this type of living arrangement are to be commended, as they are clearly placing their children’s needs and their responsibilities to those needs above their own interests. And the level of discomfort they are likely to experience may be significant, especially in light of their desire to have complete independence from their former spouse. Yet as more parents recognize that bird nesting is clearly the best arrangement for their children, the number of bird nesters is steadily rising.

As with all co-parenting arrangements, it is vital that social institutions such as the courts and legal system, school systems, and social welfare institutions actively support co-parents in bird nesting arrangements. This is of paramount importance if parents are going to achieve success to the benefit of their children.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201307/birds-nest-co-parenting-arrangements

Why There's No Joint Custody of Friends After Divorce

Why is it so hard to share custody of friends after the divorce?

Who gets custody of your friends after a divorce?

Dividing everything up in a divorce is a gruesome business no matter how amicable or reasonable or relieved you are. It's like watching yourself have surgery. Everything that ever mattered, every element of your existence is pulled out, shuffled around, placed on the table for you and your ex and your lawyers or whomever to paw through.

I can tell you it sucks even if you don't have a lot of money and stuff to share. I'm told it sucks if you do have a lot of money and stuff.

First you officially dispense with the inner-ring: kids, house, all the crap in the house, something called assets (wish I had some of those) and the pets. Then there's this weird outer layer of life that's harder to quantify but often requires some cold, calculated divorce math. For example, what do you do with your friends?

FBMs (Friends Before Marriage)

In certain ways, some friends are treated like possessions. If your grandmother gave you her pearl earrings when you were 16, well before your marriage, those remain yours. If your ex's father gave him a suped-up Mustang when he was in college, that horse is all his. Same deal with FBMs. Those are your Friends Before Marriage. They all automatically transfer to their side of origin, no paperwork necessary.

FOWM (Friends Obtained While Married)

Then there's the grey area of FOWM (Friends Obtained While Married). Here's where things can get hairy. If you two met in college and have a crew from back then, it's tricky. Gender tends to be the deciding factor. Girls team. Boys team.

My ex and I had it easy because:
a) we only shared two marital friends and we easily divided them by gender;
b) I was moving 2,000 miles away and was in such a grief-filled fog over my brother's death I didn't really remember anybody or anything and just wanted to get home and never, ever look back;
c) we struggled to make friends as a couple, which was one of the many ways our separate lives were reflected in our marriage.

However, I know a lot of folks whose entire social circle was deeply intertwined with their married life and extricating one from the other was excruciating and complicated.

He got the boy. She got the girl.

I know a couple who actually wrote into their 'parenting plan' the names of two friends they wanted to claim separately. I wish I could get the exact wording they used. But I do know he got the boy and she got the girl and it was somehow officially sanctioned in their binding agreement. Luckily the couple they wanted to share later split up so happy ending for everybody.

But how do you divvy up friendships made, sometimes over decades, after the divorce?

Friendships already on the brink may split after your split

One of the things I've heard a lot is that the continental shift of a marital split causes retrenchments in friendships that were already on shaky ground. It's a great excuse to get out of a toxic relationship or a friendship you've been trying to ditch for a while. Or, if you're on the receiving end, it's a great way to see who, as they say, your real friends are. How it all shakes out after a divorce is a good indicator of how it all would have ended anyway.
If you two are able to have decent conversations I think this is a great arena for discussion. I'm closer to Barbie, you've always liked Ken, so how about if we just say hands off the other one's pal.

Why do you have to choose, you ask? For purely social acquaintances, you don't. Lunch here, coffee there, you can share. I'm talking about the real-deal friends, the ones you want to tell the whole story to; the ones you want to be able to vent and rage and gossip and say your ugliest thoughts and feelings to out loud. For that, you need a person you know is not having those same conversations with your ex. And your ex needs that same insulation. It's basic physics. You must choose and sever all ties.

Exception to the rule

Now, if somebody goes off the deep end and does something supremely stupid, well then all bets are off. All friends are then honor-bound to take the side of the spouse who was done wrong and to make the life of the wrong-doer a living hell from here to eternity. All of this assumes both parties are reasonable and simpy should not be married anymore. If somebody cheats or embezzles or commits any other betrayal, deal's off. No more friends. You are bad and will pay.

Making the friendship break

As with everything else in divorce, it's always best to:
a) hash out the topic calmly before the issue comes up as a fight
b) create a plan with rules and specific consequences for non-abiders
c) write everything down in painfully clear, binding detail so nothing is up for interpretation or argument
d) have the plan approved by a mutually-agreed upon, non-biased third party

Some friends will dump you

This all assumes you have a choice in the matter. After divorce, some friends will dump you with a bang, or vanish with a whimper. Either way, it's something that just happens. Divorce triggers all kinds of primal feelings and reactions from married friends: sympathy (how will she make it on her own?); envy (how did he finally get out?); curiosity (what made them do it? They had better sex than we do!); panic (is it contagious? Will he leave me now that his best friend dumped his wife?)

As a married person you immediately compare and contrast: What would you do if your spouse left you, you wonder. When friends split up, it forces you to fully confront often lurking feelings of ambivalence or worse. Are you unhappy? What would it be like to have a chance to start again? If you weren't bound by children and financial constraints would you still be together? Oh the sex they might get to have…All marriages have weak spots and there's nothing like an old friend with a new bachelor pad to bring those spots to the forefront.

Divorce is dangerous to married folk

Divorce and the new lives (or at least the possibility of new lives it may offer) can be dangerous to married people. As vulnerable as you feel being newly divorced, as scary and uncharted as your new life feels, your married friends have their own set of fears that may get acted out.

No matter what, the divorce-quake will reshuffle your life in ways you never would have predicted. What's most important is that you have a devoted team of friends on your side to help you through.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/because-im-the-mom/201305/why-theres-no-joint-custody-friends-after-divorce