The Fourth Grade Parents’ Night Out is in full swing. These adults-only gatherings, potluck style with plenty of cocktails, are a tradition at my sons’ school. A new couple introduces themselves and we make small talk over glasses of wine while I wait for the inevitable question.
There it is, from the wife, looking around the room: “Who’s your husband?”
We’re divorced, I explain. He’s with the boys tonight.
We live in a traditional, smallish Midwestern city. Midwesterners are not big on sharing. Getting too personal makes us very nervous. Most often, as soon as I say divorce the conversation is quickly changed to a less embarrassing topic. So… how ‘bout those Colts!
But the wife leans in, curious. “So do the kids live with you? What’s your arrangement?” (She must not be from around here, I muse.)
I roll into my pitch. Not that I’m trying to sell anything. I’ve just found the more succinctly I state it, the easier it is for others to digest (hand gestures help).
“Our living arrangement’s kind of unusual. The boys stay in the house [hands together in front of me, fingertips touching like I’m holding a big snowball] and their dad and I have separate apartments [right hand out to the side; then left hand]. We move in and out every week [right hand in; then move left hand in, while moving right out] to take care of them,” [hands back in front holding the precious snowball].
I stop flopping my hands around and wait for a reaction. The shocked silence and confused expression, I’m used to. Her eyes welling up with tears? That’s new.
What I’m describing is called “bird nesting” or “nesting.” It’s based on the idea of the kids being like baby birds and the mother and father birds flying in and out of the nest to take care of them. This means, in non-ornithological terms, that after a divorce the kids continue to stay in the family home while the parents take turns moving in and out.
In our case, my ex and I each have our own apartments where we live when we’re not in the house with the boys. We switch into the house on Wednesday mornings and Saturday evenings. The boys and all their stuff — clothing, homework, sports gear, musical instruments, and piles of beloved childhood detritus in their rooms — stay put.
I read about the idea in Laura Wasser’s great book, “It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way: How to Divorce Without Destroying Your Family or Bankrupting Yourself.” Nesting struck a chord with the boys’ dad and me. We hoped keeping the routine of daily life as consistent as possible would give continuity as we figured out what divorce would mean for our family. Of course, changes were going to come. We hoped if their day-to-day life didn’t feel that much different, it could temper the fear and uncertainty.
When we sat them down to tell them we were getting a divorce – they were 12, 9, and 5 at the time — the very next thing we said was: But nothing’s changing for you. You will keep living right here.
We presented it with familiar scenarios: It’s like when Dad goes on a business trip for a few days and Mom takes care of you. Or when Mom goes to see her friends and Dad’s in charge.
When we were divorcing nesting was almost unheard-of, at least in our part of the country. Anita M. Ventrelli, former chairwoman of the American Bar Association’s family law section, said she recalled the concept surfacing about 10 years ago, but she did not think anyone was keeping track of how common it is.
“Nesting isn’t really something that’s in the divorce statutes,” she noted. “It’s a solution that creative lawyers and parents have developed to address concerns about moving kids. It’s often agreed to outside of court — a creature of settlements, not something that judges would likely order.”
Describing it to our lawyers, therapists and financial adviser took some explaining and forced us to answer some tough questions. Telling family, friends and the boys’ teachers, required clarifying and repeating (hence the elevator-pitch-with-hand-gestures).
The most frequent question? How long are you going to do that?
The best answer we could come up with was, I don’t know, I guess until we decide not to?
We’re moving into year three, and our answer is still the same.
Which is not to say it’s easy. There are hassles, for sure – shared space, finances, and keeping track of my own stuff between the house and my apartment.
For couples considering nesting, Ms. Ventrelli, a senior partner at Schiller DuCanto & Fleck in Chicago, suggests three questions: “Is this something my ex and I can both agree to do? Can we each find somewhere else to live when not in the nest? Can we work together to share and care for the nest?” If you can’t say “yes” to all of these, Ms. Ventrelli cautions, “You may find challenges of nesting make it unsustainable, though it could serve as a short-term solution until the divorce is settled.”
Nesting isn’t necessarily the answer for everyone. But there’s no reason the traditional post-divorce scenario has to be the go-to solution, either.
So many memories live in a family home. The boys continuing to live there – and all of us crossing paths there regularly — is a constant reminder to all of us. While our narrative is ever-changing, we were and always will be our version of a family.
As for my new friend at the school party?
“Oh my God, if my parents had done something like that, it would have made such a difference,” she says, wiping her eyes and glancing with embarrassment from her husband to me.
“It was 30 years ago but I will never forget my little sister sobbing uncontrollably every time we had to move houses. It was awful.” Her eyes tear up again. “I’m so sorry I’m getting so emotional!”
“That’s O.K.,” I say, my eyes welling up, too. “You just made me feel like what we’re doing might actually all be worth it.”
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/30/well/family/after-divorce-giving-our-kids-custody-of-the-home.html?_r=1
Two things Americans do a lot is divorce and move. Matters can get complicated when you want to do both at the same time, especially if there are children involved. Rules for moving during and after a divorce vary by state, but they're similar enough to paint a broad picture. If you want to make a change that will affect your pending court case or seriously change your children's living situation, it's a good idea to consult expert legal help to discuss your specific circumstances.
Moving Without Children: During and After the Divorce
Moving out of your old home is common during a divorce, and if the place you're going is still within the county court's jurisdiction, you should be fine. A minor relocation doesn't significantly change the facts of your case, though it is important to update the address that both the lawyers and the court have for you so you don't miss any document service or court mailings.
Moving farther away than a few freeway exits, however, can complicate your situation. If your divorce was filed in County A, for instance, and you've just moved across the state to County X, you shouldn't expect to have the case move with you, even if you're the one who filed it. Rather, the original location has the first right (and obligation) to the case. In addition, if your spouse still lives in the original location, they have a right not to be dragged to the venue of your choosing just because you moved. If it is at all possible to delay such a move until the divorce is final, you might save a lot of difficulty and gas money. Otherwise, expect to commute back to your old town for every court date unless your ex agrees to relocate the case.
Added Wrinkles: What About Kids?
Moving away from a co-parent who's involved in the children's lives is not something to be done lightly. At the very least, moving a significant distance away — even just to a different school district — is an upheaval that courts try to avoid for the good of the children. Changing counties or states, especially over the objection of your co-parent, will almost certainly require a court order. This is because any custody or visitation order is an official command from the court, detailing places and times when the other parent has a legal right to see the children. Moving far away is sure to impair that schedule, so the order must be modified before you can do it.
A distinction has to be drawn here between two types of custody: "sole" and "joint." Sole custody gives one parent the final word on where the children live, where they go to school, how they get health care and so on. All of the important decisions are in the hands of the custodial parent and, depending on the visitation rights of the other parent, the custodial party may be able to petition the court for a simple modification, called a "move-away order," that acts as permission to move someplace far enough away that the noncustodial parent will have to sacrifice access to the kids. This is most often done with a motion filed with the court and served on the other parent to give them a chance to object. If they do, you might be arguing your case in court, just as you would if the two of you shared custody.
Joint custody puts power over the children into both parents' hands. Decisions seriously affecting the children must be made together. Forcing an unwelcome change on either party is usually difficult, given the family courts' traditional reluctance to override the strenuous objections of an actively engaged parent. In this situation, the final decision will almost certainly come down to the perceived best interests of the children. Regardless of whether your custody order says "joint" or "sole," expect the court to start from whatever the current visitation status quo is, and then work out the children's interests from that, always with an eye toward the least-disruptive solution possible. You may ask the court to let you move with the children for your job, only to be told that you can't take them away from the parent who only sees them every other weekend.
Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/moving-away-divorce
When Parents Rotate In and Out of the Family Home
A “bird's nest” co-parenting arrangement is one that is uniquely child-centered. Rather than the children having to adapt to the parents’ needs and living in two separate dwellings, they remain in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out, like birds alighting and departing the “nest.” During the time parents are not at home with the kids, they live in a separate dwelling, which can either be on their own or rotated with the other parent. It is a novel yet sensible arrangement, as children experience much less disruption in their lives and routines than having to shuttle and adapt to completely new living arrangements. It can be either a semi-permanent or temporary arrangement, to allow children a smoother transition to life as a divorced family.
Clearly, bird nesting will work for some but not all parents. A bird's nest arrangement will only work if parents live in close proximity, or are able to be in the family home when it is their turn for parenting the kids. It works best when parents are co-parenting, as opposed to one parent being a full-time caregiver with the other a “visiting” parent. The expense involved is another factor, depending on whether parents arrange for one or two residences away from the family home. If the former, bird-nesting need not be any more expensive than parents living in two separate households. It may even be less expensive than maintaining two homes for the children, as the external residence may be much more modest if the children are not residing there; a one-bedroom apartment or studio is likely to provide more than enough space. In addition, parents do not have to purchase two sets of toys and clothing for the children as they would if children are rotating between two households. If parents opt to maintain two different residences apart from the family home, they have to factor in the additional expense; the cost of maintaining three residences will be prohibitive for many. Finally, bird nesting while sharing one residence in addition to the family home is extremely challenging when new partners appear on the scene. In particular, privacy may become a serious issue of concern for one or both parents, since the other parent’s ongoing presence is obvious and unavoidable.
Bird nesting works best when parents are able to separate their co-parenting responsibilities from their previous marital conflicts, and remain amicable and cooperative as they confer about continuing household arrangements and the children’s needs. Both need to be prepared to maintain a certain level of consistency of purpose, discipline, and child-raising techniques to make it work well; this means being able to communicate clearly and peacefully rather than taking each discussion as an opportunity to argue. Household and house maintenance arrangements, and ground rules, must be absolutely clear, and each parent must closely stick to the agreed-upon arrangements; over time, as they settle into the new lifestyle, more flexible arrangements are possible. A clearly drafted co-parenting plan or negotiated schedule at the outset is essential. Ongoing mutual respect is vital; and although it is reasonable to assume that there will be arguments or disagreements about various aspects of the arrangement, it is critical that children are shielded from ongoing conflict.
Often, this form of co-parenting will end when the youngest child reaches the age of majority, at which time one parent may either buy the other out of their interest in the family home, or it is sold and the proceeds divided pursuant to the matrimonial property regime or separation agreement.
A bird's nest arrangement is about ensuring that children’s lives are minimally disrupted, while the adults, who are theoretically more able to cope with the disruption, bear the brunt of the changes. Children are reassured to know that even though their parents are divorcing, they will be able keep the routine, continuity, and permanency to which they are accustomed. They remain in the family home, their school and neighborhood friendships can continue uninterrupted, and of course they are able to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, which is crucial to their ongoing well-being. Parents who opt for this type of living arrangement are to be commended, as they are clearly placing their children’s needs and their responsibilities to those needs above their own interests. And the level of discomfort they are likely to experience may be significant, especially in light of their desire to have complete independence from their former spouse. Yet as more parents recognize that bird nesting is clearly the best arrangement for their children, the number of bird nesters is steadily rising.
As with all co-parenting arrangements, it is vital that social institutions such as the courts and legal system, school systems, and social welfare institutions actively support co-parents in bird nesting arrangements. This is of paramount importance if parents are going to achieve success to the benefit of their children.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201307/birds-nest-co-parenting-arrangements
Divorce and separation can have a hugely detrimental impact on children. But Swedish studies show that having them live with each parent half the time is the best way to help them cope.
Why don’t children bounce back from divorce? They’re resilient little things, yet the research shows a relentless association between parental break-ups and poor academic achievement, stress, ill health and depression in children. So with warnings last week that couples who stay together for the “sake of the children” aren’t necessarily doing the best thing, what’s the least-worst thing parents can do?
The solution
The answer to this, as for so many things, may come from Sweden. In the 1980s, 1% of Swedish parents who divorced had shared residency – children stayed with each parent half the time (or at least 35% of the time). Now the number of shared residencies is close to 50%. In the UK, it is between 9% and 12%.
Intuitively, this seems like a terrible idea. How can parents who are splitting up share their children’s everyday lives? Isn’t it confusing for children to repeatedly move between houses? Won’t they be exposed to constant rows? There are, handily, more than 40 studies that compare children in shared residence arrangements with those living primarily with one parent. The latest, from Emma Fransson’s team at the esteemed Stockholm University and Karolinska Institute, looked specifically at the psychological wellbeing of 4,684 children. It asked if they felt sad, angry, had poor concentration or were tense and nervous. Unlike other studies, the researchers found the same level of psychological complaints in children in shared residency as in those in nuclear families. Children living with one parent had higher levels of psychological complaints. The study took into account the financial status of the parents, but this did not significantly affect the results. The weight of evidence from the other studies, according to a summary in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, is that children do better if parenting is shared, even allowing for the fact that couples who share parenting tend to have higher incomes and less conflict.
Shared residency doesn’t work so well if there is conflict (if there is violence, then sharing is not an option), if the children are adolescents (less keen on two homes), or if the children don’t like one parent. It is easy to selectively pick the research to suit your argument – studies are mostly not high quality and mix divorced couples and those who have split up after cohabiting, which may be different. Also, children whose parents have more money, a better education and stay on friendly terms will often do better, whatever the parenting plan. But the research is clear that children benefit from two parents being interested in them, and sharing residency encourages this.
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jan/24/sharing-custody-childrens-mental-health-divorce-separation
