I was 10 when my parents told me that they were getting a divorce. It’s not like it was a huge surprise or anything. The writing had been on the wall for a long time. But somehow it was still a huge shock to the system when they finally told me the news. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I felt guilty — like it was my fault that it had happened. I felt hurt, angry and betrayed. I felt very sad. I was confused. I had so many questions and things that were really worrying me but I couldn’t find the words I needed to talk to my parents about any of it.
I wanted to share with you some of the things I really wish I had been able to tell my parents at the time. I hope it helps you have a better understanding of what your kids might be going through and what they need to hear from you.
Tell me it’s not my fault.
The thing I remember the most about that time is thinking that it must be my fault. If I’d just tried a bit harder at school... if I’d fought less with my younger brother... if I hadn’t answered back so much... if I’d eaten my vegetables... gone to bed on time... the list went on. I came up with so many different and creative reasons that clearly proved it was my fault that my parents were splitting up. Your children need to know unequivocally that your separation is in no way their fault, and that in fact it has nothing to do with them. They need to hear that this is a decision that you have made because of how you feel about each other, not because they didn’t do their homework!
Tell me that you love me (and that you always will).
Mostly I just wanted my parents to tell me that they loved me very much and that this was something that would never change. Because I was so busy blaming myself for the whole thing, I felt like my parents probably didn’t even like me anymore, let alone love me. How could they when I had caused them to get a divorce! What I really needed to hear from both of my parents was that even though we wouldn’t be living in the same house anymore, they both still loved me and that this would never change. It’s so important for your kids to hear this often when going through a divorce or separation. Children often suffer from separation anxiety during this difficult transition and it’s really important that they have the security of knowing that you both love them unconditionally.
Don’t say bad things about my other parent — I’m half them, remember.
Think about the impact that bad mouthing your ex has on your children. Any criticism leveled at the other parent is also being leveled at your child. They are 50% you and 50% the other parent. Anything negative that you are saying about him or her, you are saying about your children too. Kids can identify characteristics and features in themselves from both parents — this is something they should still get to celebrate and feel good about. However badly the other parent may be behaving, keep the criticisms away from your children.
Also parental alienation can be very damaging to your children and lead to a number of psychological problems for them down the road. So think twice before throwing out a negative comment or withholding visitation. Any attempts to pit your child against the other parent can lead to serious negative effects in your children’s life.
Please don’t tell me how to feel.
We can’t help the way we feel and kids have a harder time than we do regulating their emotions. I remember withdrawing into my own world at the time of my parents’ divorce — somewhere far away from all the bad stuff that was going on. Other kids misbehave and act out in an attempt to get your attention. This bad behavior is a cry for help — they need you to support them through their grief. Lots of children feel a huge sense of loss when one parent moves out. You can’t take this pain away, but it is important to be empathetic to how they are feeling and try to help them process these emotions.
Don’t ask me to be your messenger or your spy.
No kid wants to come home to a barrage of questions about the time they spent with their other parent, or even worse, questions about the other parent’s new life. I remember cringing on the inside when this happened to me. I also remember feeling really guilty when I forgot to pass on an “important” message from my mum to my dad that ended up with them fighting about it next time. Don’t put your kids in this position. They are very busy thinking about their next football game or the homework they haven’t done for tomorrow. Let them spend their time daydreaming and dealing with the important business of growing up.
Find a way to parent together.
I don’t think the term “co-parenting” existed at the time of my parents’ divorce and if it did, my parents certainly didn’t know about it. Find a way to get along with your ex. This is often easier said than done. If it’s not possible to completely bury the hatchet, you need to find a way to be civil to the other parent and do the work you need to do to move past any unresolved negative feelings that you still have. Trust me — your kids will notice and they will thank you for it in the long run.
Most kids want to know that they can contact both parents anytime. When they are at one parent’s house, they want to know that they can call or text the other parent whenever they want. Some parents don’t encourage open access to the other parent because of the anger or hurt they are feeling. I remember what this felt like when I was a child and it wasn’t good!
Do your best to co-parent as a team. You need to put your feelings aside and move forwards. It’s not about you anymore — it’s about always doing what is in the best interests of your children.
What kids really need from you during and after your divorce or separation is your time, your attention, your compassion and your love. Help them to understand that it is you and the other parent who are splitting up with each other, and that neither of you are splitting up with your children.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/children-and-divorce-what-i-wished-my-divorcing-parents-had-known_b_9066182.html
Joe was at his wits end. Ever since his divorce he tried to do everything he could think of to get along with his ex, Maria. It seemed like no matter how hard he tried nothing worked.
While they would go through periods where things were fine, it usually didn’t last for long. Eventually Maria would unexpectedly explode over something trivial and a slew of angry email, texts and voicemails would ensue.
When this happened, Joe would usually drop what he was doing and immediately respond to Maria’s outburst. Most of the time Joe did his best to calm Maria down and work things out. If she sent him an accusatory email, he would reply with an equally long email explaining his perspective point by point. Every voicemail and text she left, he would return, resulting in numerous back and forth exchanges and heated debates.
Joe knew none of it was good for his 10-year-old son, Sammy. While he wasn’t willing to be Maria’s doormat, he desperately wanted to do right by his son.
What Joe didn’t get (and most parents don’t) is that he was giving Maria lots of incentive to stir the pot.
REMOVE THE PAYOFF
When dealing with a contentious ex it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the drama and miss what’s really driving the train. Let’s take another look at our buddy Joe. Every time he and Maria got into a spat, Joe unknowingly was giving Maria exactly what she wanted, his undivided attention. This dynamic is sometimes referred to as negative intimacy. In other words, since Maria no longer passionately loved Joe, she put her energy into passionately agitating Joe. For Maria, the conflict had become the primary outlet for keeping her connection to Joe alive.
Keep in mind that there can be lots of different payoffs for a conflictual ex. For some, it may be the need to feel in control or powerful. Others may try to offset feelings of helplessness while another may use the ongoing conflict to assert a false sense of superiority or importance.
Without a doubt, dealing with the unrelenting antics of a contentious ex can be exhausting. If you’re tired of feeling emotionally drained, frustrated and hopeless, here are a couple of tips for minimizing the BIG payoff and curbing divorce drama.
• Respond don’t react
Just because you share parenting responsibilities doesn’t mean you have to be at your ex’s beck and call 24/7. Aside from emergencies, very few situations require your immediate response. When a demanding email from your ex pops into your inbox, resist the impulse to rifle one back. Instead give yourself some time to consider what the issue is and if it truly requires a response. Remember you don’t need to swing at every pitch your ex tosses your way.
• Stay consistent
If your ex has a track record of playing nice one day and nasty the next, do your best to make your interactions consistent. Regardless of how your ex behaves establish healthy boundaries for day-to-day interactions.
• Be realistic
While it’s fine to hope that some day things will change, be realistic about your situation. Come to terms with the fact that you cannot change what your ex does, the choices they make or how they behave. Instead of turning yourself inside out, stay focused on what matters most — how you handle the conflict, the way you process the issues with your kids and limiting the energy that you give to divorce drama.
• It won’t get better overnight
When you repeatedly refuse to take the bait, expect your ex to up the ante. Do your best not to impulsively respond to situations that come up. Over time as you continue to hold your ground chances are your ex’s conflictual behavior will become less frequent and intense.
• Keep your eye on the prize.
Dealing with a contentious ex is without a doubt mentally and emotionally draining. Make sure you have other supports in your life to help you go the distance when your ex is being especially difficult. Often working with a good life coach or counselor can help your gain clarity and emotionally disconnect from the conflict.
Although you may not see the results of your efforts immediately, in the long run staying committed will pay big dividends for your kids.
Source: http://www.divorceandchildren.com/the-conflict-connection-figuring-out-what-makes-your-difficult-ex-tick/
Divorce is never easy and if you think you will never have to deal with your ex after the divorce; think again if you share children. When divorced couples share children, there is no end to their relationship. This can make moving on rather difficult because not only do you have to deal with the ex, you now have to often deal with all the aspects of him or her that you tried to divorce.
While it sometimes is impossible not to react to a difficult ex, there are ways to find self-control in order to protect the emotions of the children. Sherrie Campbell, PhD, a licensed psychologist, lists some tips to follow if you have a difficult ex:
1. Make your communication to your ex as pithy as possible. Only communicate the necessary information regarding issues with the children.
Try not to communicate anything emotional in front of your children. Just stick to the facts and make the conversation brief.
2. Don’t talk about money or financial issues. Consider eliminating money games by getting wages garnished. Keep all finances private and away from the children as money issues only cause children stress, worry and heartache.
3. Try to keep the communication with your ex private. You can do this through writing emails and text messages or by using programs like My Family Wizard. This will allow you to avoid possible conflict in front of the children and give you a line of documentation to go over with your legal team, if necessary.
4. Use self-control. If your ex responds to your communication with attack, re-read what you sent and see if you communicated all the necessary information. If you have, take the high road. If you receive a manipulative or combative text or email in front of your children, stay calm and rise above it. The emotions of your children are more important than what you cannot solve with your ex at the moment.
5. Be aware of covert and overt manipulation used by your ex to get you upset. Educate yourself on how to strategize so you are prepared and don’t get sucked into a reactive and bashing dispute in front of the children.
6. Respect the custodial schedule by minimizing asking any favors from your ex like switching weekends. This will only be used against you in the future. Consistency is best for the children and do as little switching as possible to maintain a life of predictability for the children.
7. Respect custodial time by limiting your contact with your children to one time daily when they are with your ex. Respect their time with the other parent and be supportive in that relationship.
8. Eliminate tensions for the children. Only attend athletic practices and extra-curricular activities on your time and not your ex’s time as this can create tension and conflict. But when there are major events where both parents need to attend, be respectful and non-combative with your ex when in person.
9. Show your children you can be cordial and socially warm to your ex. This in turn sets an example for your children to be kind, mature and respectful to the other parent and will alleviate uncomfortable tensions and the creation of loyalty conflicts.
10. Only worry about your own life and not your ex’s. Let your ex be free to be whoever he or she is as there is no way to control his or her life. After all, you are divorced. Be yourself, be mindful of your own business and respect the emotions of your children.
Focus on the best interests of your children first and then yourself. Children usually have a multitude of questions. Talk to your children and answer their questions honestly. Don’t be negative. When dealing with your ex, let go of the need to control, the need to defend and the need to fight. If your ex chooses to hate you, either overtly or covertly, then let it be. Take the high road; be cordial, mature and loving and be the peacemaker. This creates a safe haven for your children.
Love your children and create as little drama as possible by being the peacemaker. The truth of your ex will likely come to them in time. It’s best to let them discover it on their own. Just remember, your ex spouse is still their mother or father and will always be. Connecting with him or her through hate only divides whereas love binds. Children do better when they have both parents and when those parents are not fighting.
Source: https://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=32656
Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn’t always negative for kids — sometimes it’s excellent for kids. Here are five ways that your children can benefit from your divorce:
1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there’s ugliness between the couple, no one’s happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they’ll do much better.
2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed. Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows.
3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship “for the kids,” don’t fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.
4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.
5. There’s the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit.
So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you’re either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What’s most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it — and your children’s attitude and well-being will follow suit
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/18/divorce-and-kids-5-ways-d_n_1519485.html
Effective problem solving can help you avoid getting depressed.
Living with a chronic condition, like depression, requires you to focus on creating balance and well-being on a daily basis. For those who are separated, divorced or sharing custody of a child, the struggles of co-parenting can produce enormous stressors.
Co-parenting, sometimes called joint parenting or shared parenting, is the experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs. Often a difficult process, co-parenting is greatly influenced by the reciprocal interactions of each parent. So, if you're parenting in a healthy way but your Ex isn't, your children will be at risk for developmental problems. Same goes if you're being too permissive and your Ex is too stern. Co-parenting requires empathy, patience and open communication for success. Not an easy thing to achieve for couples who've encountered marital issues. However, placing the sole focus on your children can be a great way of helping to make co-parenting a positive experience. Here are some tips.
Two Ways of Problem Solving
When co-parenting, there are two problem solving techniques to keep in mind: Strategic problem-solving and Social-psychological problem solving.
Strategic problem-solving model looks just at the issues at hand. The behavioral aspects of your child's problem are highlighted as is the co-parenting trouble spots. Do not address the emotional reasons why problems are happening. As co-parents you will identify the problem and negotiate choices and solutions as objectively as possible. Strategic problem solving directs each parent to resolve conflict through a careful approach of 1) exchanging information about needs and priorities, 2) building upon shared concerns, 3) and searching for solutions. This is done without getting into yours or your Ex's emotional needs, wants and desires.
Social-psychological problem solving is a more emotional way of resolving issues. The focus here looks at your attitudes and the emotional reasons for co-parenting blind spots. While the social-psychological model, like the strategic model, assumes that parenting conflicts are bound to arise, it differs from the strategic model by focusing on the psychological factors that drive conflict and negotiation impasses. Talking with your Ex using this model can be tough, and it's okay if you never reach this way of problem solving. But if you do, remember not to be accusatory or critical. Invite your Ex to see your side with empathy, compassion and authentic concern for the children.
Do's:
- Commit to making co-parenting an open dialogue with your Ex. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or face to face conversation. There are even websites where you can upload schedules, share information and communicate so you and your Ex don't have to directly touch base.
- Rules should be consistent and agreed upon at both households. As much as they fight it, children need routine and structure. Issues like meal time, bed time, and completing chores need to consistent. The same goes for school work and projects. Running a tight ship creates a sense of security and predictability for children. So no matter where your child is, he or she knows that certain rules will be enforced. "You know the deal, before we can go to the movies, you gotta get that bed made."
- Commit to positive talk around the house. Make it a rule to frown upon your children talking disrespectfully about your Ex even though it may be music to your ears.
- Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.
- Create an Extended Family Plan. Negotiate and agree on the role extended family members will play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge.
- Recognize that co-parenting will challenge you - and the reason for making accommodations in your parenting style is NOT BECAUSE YOUR EX WANTS THIS OR THAT, but for the needs of your children.
- Be Aware of Slippery Slopes. Be aware that children will frequently test boundaries and rules, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. This is why a united front in co-parenting is recommended.
- Be boring. Research shows that children need time to do ordinary things with their less-seen parent, not just fun things.
- Update often. Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your Ex keep each other informed about all changes in your life, or circumstances that are challenging or difficult. It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.
- Go for the high notes. Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent. Remember to recognize the different traits you and your Ex have - and reinforce this awareness with your children. Speaking positively about your Ex teaches children that despite your differences, you can still appreciate positive things about your Ex. "Mommy's really good at making you feel better when you're sick. I know, I'm not as good as she is." It also directs children to see the positive qualities in his or her parent too. "Daddy's much better at organizing things than I am."
Don'ts
- Don't burden your child. Emotionally charged issues about your Ex should never be part of your parenting. Never sabotage your child's relationship with your Ex by trash talking. Never use your child to gain information about things going on or to sway your Ex about an issue. The main thing here is this: Don't expose children to conflict. Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities.
- Don't jump to conclusions or condemn your Ex. When you hear things from your children that make you bristle, take a breath and remain quiet. Remember that any negative comments your children make are often best taken with a grain of salt. It's always good to remain neutral when things like this happen. Research shows that your child can learn to resent and distrust you if you cheer them on.
- Don't be an unbalanced parent. Resist being the fun guy or the cool mom when your children are with you. Doing so backfires once they return to your Ex - and sets into motion a cycle of resentment, hostility and a reluctance to follow rules for all involved. Remember that children develop best with a united front. Co-parenting with a healthy dose of fun, structure and predictability is a win-win for everyone.
- Don't give into guilt. Divorce is a painful experience, and one that conjures up many emotions. Not being in your child's life on a full time basis can cause you to convert your guilt into overindulgence. Understand the psychology of parental guilt - and how to recognize that granting wishes without limits is never good. Research shows that children can become self-centered, lack empathy and believe in the need to get unrealistic entitlement from others. Confusion understanding the dynamics of need versus want, as well as taming impulsivity becomes troublesome for children to negotiate too.
- Don't punish your Ex by allowing your child to wiggle out of responsibility.Loosening the reigns because you just want to be a thorn in your Ex's side is a big no-no. "I know Mommy likes you to get your homework done first, but you can do that later." "Don't tell Daddy I gave you the extra money to buy the video game you've been working towards." If you need to get your negative emotions out, find another outlet. Voodoo dolls, skeet shooting and kick boxing can yield the same results, but with less of a parenting mess. Remember, work before play is a golden rule - and one that will help your child throughout their lifetime. Making sure to be consistent helps your child transition back and forth from your Ex - and back and forth to you too.
- Don't accuse. Discuss. Never remain quiet if something about your Ex's co-parenting is troubling you. If you don't have a good personal relationship with your Ex, create a working business arrangement. Communication about co-parenting is extremely vital for your child's healthy development. No finger pointing or you-keep-doing-this kind of talk. The best approach when communicating is to make your child the focal point: "I see the kids doing this-and-that after they return home from their visit. Any ideas of what we can do?" Notice there's not one "you" word in there. No accusatory tone or finger-pointing either.
These 10 tips will help you in your discouragement.
Wouldn’t it be nice if adults could remember that parenting is not about them, and that it is about the children? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the pain of the broken personal relationships of the past could be kept separate from the practical parental concerns of the present? Wouldn’t it be nice ...
Yes, it would. But sometimes people aren’t nice.
Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek,” and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope:
1. Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Christian ex-spouses, for example, often feel justified in their anger toward their irresponsible ex-spouses. It’s easy, then, to also feel justified in your efforts to change him or her in whatever ways you feel are morally or practically necessary. Unfortunately, this sense of “rightness” often blinds good-hearted Christians from seeing just how their own behavior contributes to the ongoing cycle of conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse—even if for understandable moral reasons—you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return. Learn to let go of what you can’t change so you don’t unknowingly keep the between-home power struggles alive.
2. Stepparents should communicate a non-threatening posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or e-mail: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.” This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.
3. Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even talk to the ex-spouse’s answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use e-mail or faxes when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.
4. Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight. (For more on how to do this, see the “Be Prepared by Borrowing a Script and Sticking to It” section of the free Common Steps for Co-Parents e-booklet.)
5. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.
6. Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past. Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children. If the conversation digresses to old marital junk, say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.
7. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. Let God’s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent’s behaviour.
8. Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.
9. Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive your ex-spouse for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with him or her in the present.
10. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids’ sake, find ways of being respectful even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouse’s lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize the ex-spouse, but don’t make excuses for the behavior either.
Source: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/divorce/recovering-from-divorce/coping-with-a-difficult-ex-spouse
Co-parenting is fraught with problems. After divorce or separation, emotions can run high which can make it hard for parents to cooperate with each other and focus on what is best for their children. You will make mistakes. We all do. What’s really important is having the ability to recognize when you’ve made a mistake and take the necessary steps to make amends. Not only does this give your kids a positive role model to follow when they face difficult situations in life, but it shows them that you will do everything possible to be the best parent you can.
There are many things that can go wrong when co-parenting. Here are 5 of the most common mistakes parents make and some suggestions of what you can do when you make these mistakes:
1) Losing your temper
One of the hardest parts of co-parenting after divorce is learning how to put aside your own emotions and focus solely on your children, their needs and what’s best for them. As a co-parent there will be times when you lose your temper. Aside from your children, your co-parent knows how to push your buttons like no other person. There will be times when they say and do things that set off your triggers, cloud your judgement and your ability to be mindful of your behavior and emotions. Sometimes this will be your fault, sometimes theirs.
What can you do? When you’re the one in the wrong, say so. Always apologize, even if the other parent doesn’t reciprocate when they are in the wrong. Not only will this take the fuel out of the fire, you will be showing your children how to deal with conflict and the importance of being able to admit when you are in the wrong. An added bonus is that you might start building some bridges and your co-parent might model similar behavior. Try to avoid conflict by keeping conversations limited to parenting and try to avoid being pulled into an emotionally charged conversation about past wrongs. Try to really listen to the other parent’s point of view and if you still disagree, then work to find a compromise that works for both of you.
2) Making it more about the power struggle than the children
After divorce or separation, emotions are charged. There are times when even the most well-intentioned parent will inadvertently use their child as a way of getting back at their ex. Often parents compete to be the “fun” parent by breaking rules or buying gifts. We all want to make our children happy and staying up late to eat ice cream or a taking trip to the toy store are both quick and easy ways to achieve this. Another common mistake is refusing to compromise when it comes to requested changes to the parenting schedule. Parents often justify these special requests as “unreasonable” or complain that they weren’t given enough notice. Point scoring between parents is an easy trap to fall into and sometimes it can be hard to recognize this behavior in yourself.
What can you do? New toys or possessions are not a very good replacement for your time, love or attention. Kids will see through this very quickly and either judge you for it or manipulate you (or both). What kids really need from you is love, stability and consistency and a positive parenting relationship between you and the other parent. Try to be flexible wherever possible if the other parent needs to change the schedule or wants to see the kids on their birthday, for example. Always try to put yourself in their position and think about what you would want if the tables were turned.
3) Using your child as a messenger or asking your child to choose sides
A common mistake by divorced parents is to communicate through your children. After your divorce or separation is finalized, you might want to have as little contact with your ex as possible. But your parenting relationship will continue for some time and there are still things you need to communicate about. It’s easy to see your child as a way to pass messages between you and the other parent and it can seem harmless enough to ask them to pass a note or tell them you are going to be late for pick up today. But you are literally putting your child in the middle and asking them to be mature enough to deal with the emotional response from the other parent. It’s also showing them that there is still conflict between the two of you and your child will inevitably feel torn. Another trap parents fall into is asking your child to choose a side when there is a scheduling conflict or who to spend Christmas with this year. You may think you are being fair by giving them the choice but you are putting the responsibility on your children to make your grown up decisions.
What can you do? This is a simple rule to follow: never ask your children to convey a message to the other parent or to communicate on your behalf. Find a way to communicate that works for you: if you can’t face speaking to your ex face-to-face or over the phone, then use a co-parenting communication tool so that you can communicate effectively and in a child-centered way. And don’t put your kids in a position where you are asking them to pick a side. It is inappropriate and simply not fair.
4) Fighting in front of your children or criticizing the other parent to your children
Bad habits are hard to break. Before your divorce or separation, it’s likely that you argued in front of your kids. This can be a hard pattern to get out of and it’s all too easy to fall straight back into the trap of blame and anger if the other parent consistently picks up late or forgets to bring your child’s backpack on a Sunday evening. You may also find yourself making comments like “that’s just like your father” or “That’s typical! Your mom’s late again! Now I’m going to be late”. However it’s important to know that these bad habits are amongst the most damaging for kids of divorce so it’s important to minimize this behavior as much as you possibly can. And ideally, stop it completely.
What can you do? Find an outlet where you can process your feelings and express yourself freely - your friends, a therapist, a divorce coach or support group. Develop some coping mechanisms so that when you interact with the other parent, you are able to do so in a calm and rational way without letting your emotions get the better of you. Also keep in mind that your kids identify character traits in themselves from both parents so when you are leveling criticisms at your co-parent, you are leveling at your children too.
5) Avoiding communication with the other parent
If your divorce was difficult or contentious, chances are you did most of your communicating with each other through Family Law Professionals. It can be hard to break this cycle and start communicating directly with each other again about schedules, school, homework, shared expenses, doctors appointments and everything else that comes along with parenting on a daily basis. Parents who have got used to communicating via a third party can find it a real struggle to turn the page and start communicating one-to-one again as co-parents.
What can you do? Children do best when parents are able to establish a respectful and cooperative relationship. To achieve this, you will need to find a way to transition from your spousal relationship to a more business-like relationship, focused solely on your children and their needs. Be respectful and communicate in the same way as you would with a colleague. If you feel that you are unable to communicate effectively with your co-parent face-to-face, then using a tool such as coparently can really help to facilitate a business-like relationship and help to keep things child-focused and on topic.
How can you avoid making these co-parenting mistakes?
Know your triggers
Spend some time understanding your triggers. Are you annoyed by late pick-ups? Do you get angry about a lack of discipline in the other parent’s house? Fed up with clothes and belongings being lost or frustrated by the eye roll? Once you have worked out what sets you off, you can be mindful of your response when faced with these triggers and make a conscious and positive choice to respond in a calm and measured way.
Set ground rules that you can both fully commit to
Work together to create a set of ground rules that cannot be broken, like a business contract between the two of you. Be sure to do this at a time when neither parent is upset or angry. These ground rules may include things like, don’t use the children as messengers, don’t argue in front of the kids and don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
Have a strategy for when things don’t go to plan
Once you have agreed on the ground rules, work out a plan of action for when one parent breaks the rules. Basically you need to give each other permission to hold the other parent accountable and to state when a parent breeches your agreement. You might agree to say something like “let’s try to keep within our ground rules.” It’s helpful if you have a contingency plan if one parent is too upset. Perhaps you can agree that the best course of action in this circumstance is to stop the discussion and pick it up again when both parents are feeling calm. We all have bad days - make sure you have a plan in place to deal with them when they happen.
Apologize
When you’re in the wrong and you feel sorry about something, make sure you apologize sincerely. Apologizing can really turn your co-parenting relationship around and help to move you to a more business-like and civil relationship, rather than an adversarial one.
Parenting after divorce or separation is rarely easy. There will be times when your anger or emotions get the better of you. When this happens, remember your commitment to your children, take ownership of your own actions and do the best you can to put your children first and to learn from the mistakes you make.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/hanif-virani/5-common-post-divorce-parenting-mistakes_b_9267426.html
