The reasons why willpower is not enough

Those who are known for getting things done, for committing and then executing, even in times of adversity or hardship can become known for having a lot of willpower You can read a recent article I wrote on this very subject at http://bit.ly/2UQcE9o In the episode I'll share my thoughts on how I believe willpower on its own is often not enough. If we're committing to do something or to get through something that is challenging or testing, if we require willpower then it's often an indication that we're not really committed to the decision, and we don't believe in ourselves strongly enough. I'll share the 4 things that I believe are essential to minimise our dependency on having to rely on willpower, and how these can be evidenced in our life, and built upon.

21 Ways To Be An AMAZING Single Parent After A Divorce

Your kids are going to be fine. Here's how.

Let’s face it, parenting after a divorce isn’t easy.

You constantly worry how the divorce will affect them. You wonder if you did the right thing.

And co-parenting is not a walk in the park. Neither is being a single parent.

The divorce rate is nearly 50%. This means you aren’t alone and you aren’t ruining your kid's life.

As a matter of fact, studies show children growing up in a high-conflict home are actually more unhappy than children of divorce.

If you strive to put your kids first, then you can actually learn to be a better parent.
It’s not always going to be easy, especially in the beginning.

The good news is you can work through the hard times and still have a perfectly normal family.

Here are 21 tips to help you be a better parent after a divorce:

1. Be honest with your kids.
Make sure what you tell them is appropriate for their age. But remember that lies will catch up and make things worse in the long run.

2. Don’t bad-mouth the other parent.
It’s important to model good behavior for your children by getting along with your ex.

3. Never use your kids as a weapon.
Don’t ask your children to spy on your ex and report back their every move. This will make your child feel uncomfortable and like they are betraying the other parent.

4. Don’t give your kids the guilt trip.
Let them make their own decisions. You may not like that your child wants to go on vacation with the other parent. But when you are divorced this is the reality of the situation.

5. Be consistent with everything you do.
The kids are living in two different households. Make sure they have a routine that is consistent. That way they will know what to expect.

6. Communicate with your ex.
I know this may sound impossible, but it’s one of the best things you can do. Let your ex know when you are going on vacation. If the school calls, make sure to let your ex know. That way the kids won’t be able to pull one over you.

7. Encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.
Let them have space to talk about how they are feeling without judgment.

8. Love your kids.
And stop hating your ex. This will eventually bring you down.

9. Acknowledge their feelings of wanting their parents to get back together.
But make sure you are realistic. You don’t want to give them false hope.

10. Don’t let your kids get away with murder.
I know you feel bad about the divorce and you are worried about how it will affect your kids. You still have to discipline them. Don’t let them get away with anything they wouldn’t get away with if you were still married.

11. Do not parentify your child.
Don’t talk to your child about how you feel or your ex. This is something you save for your close friends or a professional.

12. The divorce is not your kids' fault.
Make sure you tell them that, and make sure they understand.

13. Your kids are not the messenger.
I know your ex may be difficult. This doesn’t mean that you make your kid the messenger. This will cause unnecessary stress in your child’s life.

14. Control your temper.
I know you have angry feelings about divorce. You never thought this would happen, but it did. You need to accept what is.

15. Share the chores.
If your kid vacuums at your house, don’t make him/her vacuum again at your ex’s house. This requires clear communication. Your child shouldn’t have to suffer and have double the work.

16. Let your kids be kids.
Don’t involve them in adult problems, or force them to make decisions they aren’t equipped to make.

17. Maintain your kids' community of support.
Just because your child lives in two households doesn’t mean they should have two sets of friends.

18. Communicate with the in-laws.
Maybe, you didn’t get along with them, but your kids love them. Make sure they still get to visit the grandparents.

19. If possible, spend time together like you did when you were married.
Go out to dinner once in a while, or spend time together lounging at the pool.

20. Take care of yourself.
Don’t neglect yourself because you are divorced. This means keep up with medical and dental appointments. Get your hair done, go to the spa, or take a bubble bath.

21. Stay hopeful.
I know you may be feeling burned. This is actually a natural response to a divorce. Learn what you can and where you went wrong. Don’t give up on yourself. There will be somebody else when you are ready.

Many children of divorce grow up to be very responsible. They have learned how to live in two households, and how to compromise.

You may feel like the world is ending, but you will get through the storm and so will they.

Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/lianne-avila/21-tips-parenting-after-divorce-raise-amazing-happy-kids

How divorce and separation affect your child

If their parents are having relationship problems or going through a separation, bad behaviour can be kickstarted in children of all ages. But you can head off tantrums, aggression and backchat if you work as a team, despite your differences, and reach a compromise when it comes to discipline

Discipline issues are all too common when parents are having relationship problems. Battling with your child piles on additional stress when you least need it, but it’s important to try see things from your child’s point of view. They're going through the trauma of seeing their family break up – and it can lead to profound insecurity that manifests itself in aggression, mood swings and backchat.

The trouble is, if parents let their own bitterness get in the way of compromise when it comes to raising their kids, it can make things even worse. Here's our advice for keeping your kids on track during and after your break-up by working together as a parenting team.
Understand where your kids are coming from...

Try to understand your child’s feelings about separation or divorce. They're likely to feel insecure, believing that if you’ve stopped loving each other, you might stop loving them, too. It’s common for younger kids to believe they’re somehow to blame for their parents splitting up, and to feel scared that they may have to choose between their parents, or feel abandoned by the parent who moves out. Bad behaviour, anger and aggression are often a cry for help: your child wants to know that both of you still love them and that you won’t leave them too.

...but don’t excuse bad behaviour
Don't excuse your child's bad behaviour because you feel guilty about the break-up, and think that letting them get away with it will somehow make them feel better. Giving in will chip away at your authority and may turn a minor discipline dilemma into a major discipline disaster.

Accept each other’s different approaches…
A lot of parents use a ‘good cop/bad cop’ system of discipline. It might work well when you’re part of the same family unit but once you split up what will probably happen is that ‘good cop’ parent becomes Fun Mum or Fun Dad and lets the kids break all the rules; while ‘bad cop’ parent (usually the one with custody) has to become even stricter in order to stay organised and in control. It can be very difficult to change your fundamental parenting style, so sit down together and try to compromise by accepting that you just don’t discipline in the same way, and let the trivial things go when the kids are at Dad’s house.

…but resolve your discipline differences
No matter what has happened in your relationship, it’s vital to present a united front to your children – if you don’t you risk them playing you off each other. Try to rise above any anger or bitterness and don’t criticise the way your ex does things or deliberately break the discipline rules just to get even – you’ll just end up confusing your kids.
Make your expectations clear to the kids

Draw up a list of house rules and have a copy pinned up in each home to end any confusion your child may have over different rules for different houses. It’s important to be seen to be supporting each other, so make it clear that there will be a clear and consistent approach to discipline in both households and that if your child loses privileges because of bad behaviour the other parent will follow through at their house.

Source:  https://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Family-Matters/-/Relationships/Divorce-and-discipline-~-how-to-stop-matters-getting-out-of-hand.aspx

10 Things Nobody Tells You About Having A Blended Family

The learning curve is steep when you merge two families together. If marriage has a blind spot, remarriage with offspring on one or both sides, is like driving straight into the sun. Here’s what nobody tells you about having a blended family:

1. You will have a much more difficult time putting your marriage first. Heidi Klum and Seal were often quoted saying their partnership came before parenting their four children, because it was best to have two solid, committed parents. With their divorce recently finalized, we all see how that worked out. If you are part of a blended family, chances are you’ve already spent time as a single parent where your children came first. Switching up the order is tough and causes hurt feelings. Don’t get me wrong—the order is going to switch practically every minute and if one of those minutes collides with your partner in the same spot, literally and physically, well than that’s just magic.

2. You are more set in your ways than you realize. All it takes is a kid or two (or three) and a spouse to show you just how much you prefer your way, because chances are that you have been the head-of-household adult making the decisions for a while.

3. You will have a hard time not comparing this life to the life you had before. Because this life was chosen so carefully. Because, no matter how you went into your past marriage, this marriage you went into with your eyes wide open. But…having a comparison will often prove to you what a smart choice you made.

4. You will be jealous of the ex. Even if she is the craziest woman on the planet, and the thought that he would have chosen both her and you in the same lifetime makes you question everything that got you here in the first place. The fact that their DNA has blended and formed little humans is a connection that surpasses every level of certifiable crazy.

5. You will love his children. You will even love them well. Maybe right away, maybe it will take years. But you will. You will hold them to the same expectations as you hold your own children. Your heart will break and soar when theirs does. Their accomplishments will provide pride, their setbacks will break your heart. They will be the closest thing ever to your own children. Maybe you will experience a love extremely close to that of the love for your own children. Or maybe it will always be just a bit shy. Either way, you will love them as you need to, as they need it.

6. You will never be comfortable with even the slightest negative comment about your kids, even if it comes from the man you have promised to love no matter what. It may as well be written in the vows, “through sickness and health, til death or you saying something mean about my kids, do we part.” I am allowed to complain about my kids being bratty or needy or driving me crazy, but you, Love of My Life, must find them to be wonderful every moment and if you don’t, best keep it to yourself forever and ever.

7. You forgive easier. Because you have to. There is a whole slew of people requiring your forgiveness on a daily basis. People who haven’t known you long and want to take your patience out for a test drive. And there will be a lot more things that require forgiveness. My 14 year old step-daughter loves my taste in expensive hairspray, jeans, and shoes but lacks the desire to ask me each time one of these is required in her life. So I forgive. It’s much easier.

8. You will be disappointed that there isn’t the big fuss. Because this time it feels a thousand times more real. I’m not saying I wanted to pick out new china. But I did commit to a life partner and the co-parenting of several more children. I think that’s worth at least a salad bowl, if you’re my friend. Better yet, a bottle of wine as we will need it more than most newlyweds.

9. You will become more private about things. If only because it means not having to explain to a complete stranger at Target how five children shot out of your uterus like rapid fire. Or because you get sick of people asking which ones are “yours”.

10. You will have no road map. While there are a thousand books about blended families, none of them will be able to speak to your exact situation. Helpful advice will often be only the bits and pieces you can relate to that you have to fuse together yourself. Every single day you will want to pull out a What To Expect When…… book but instead you will have to make up your own answer on the fly.

But you will. And the best part is, because there are no straightforward and exact answers for remarriages and step parenting, no one gets to tell you you’re wrong.

At least that’s what I tell my family.

Source: http://www.scarymommy.com/having-a-blended-family/