Friday, 31 March 2017

10 Ways to Reboot Your Life and Get a Fresh Start

Everyone has wished at some point or another that life came with a reboot button.



We’re all familiar with the term “reboot” when it comes to computers. Rebooting is a troubleshooting method: when your computer is giving you trouble—for example, a program locks up or is simply not responding–you shut it down and restart it. In addition, a common way to reboot your computer is to press down on the Ctrl+Alt+Del keys simultaneously.

Sometimes an area of your life—or perhaps more than one—has gone completely off track and makes you feel bogged down and like you just can’t move forward. If this is the case, instead of making small changes here and there, you may want to wipe the slate clean and simply restart in that area of your life. Here are some ways in which your life may need a reboot:

You’ve been eating unhealthy foods for a few months and you’ve gained weight and are feeling sluggish.

You’ve been staying late at work for what seems like forever and are feeling burned out.
Your schedule is so packed with things you need to get done, that you feel nauseas when you look at it.
Your relationship with your significant other hasn’t been going well for a while.

If you feel like you need a fresh start in any area of your life, read on. Below you’ll find 10 ways to reboot your life and get a fresh start.


1. Reboot Your Diet

If you’ve been eating unhealthy foods for a long period of time, you probably need to reboot your diet. You can do this by following a detox plan.
“Detox” is short for detoxification. It consists of a focused, short term diet that will allow your body to eliminate toxins and jump-start a weight loss program or help you to completely alter your eating habits. One of the main goals of a detox diet is to eliminate toxins from your body – which is why it’s also called a cleanse.
Wheat—such as pasta and bread—is usually eliminated completely during a detox–, as well as sweeteners — such as refined sugar and high fructose corn syrup. In addition, most detox diets encourage you to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, sometimes as smoothies and shakes.
Going on a detox diet can help you to reboot your diet and set the stage for improving your eating habits and your health.

2. Reboot Your Wardrobe

How many times have you opened your closet and thought the following to yourself:
I have nothing to wear.

Nothing in here fits.
Everything in here is either stained, wrinkled, or is missing a button.
This probably sounds familiar to a lot of people, and not just women. If this sounds like you, then you need to reboot your wardrobe.
A great strategy for rebooting your wardrobe is to create a Project 333 for yourself. Courtney Carver invented Project 333 to challenge people to wear only 33 articles of clothing for 3 months — including clothes, shoes, jewelry and accessories. Here’s what to do:

  • Go through your wardrobe and choose the 33 items you’ll be wearing for the next three months. Everything that you choose has to fit and be in good condition.
  • Put everything else in boxes. Seal the boxes with tape and put them out of sight.
  • For the next three months all you’ll be wearing are your 33 items.


Following a Project 333 will do all of the following for you:
  • Help you identify your personal style — the clothes that you love to wear and that flatter your body type.
  • Help you identify holes in your current wardrobe.
  • Stop you from impulse buying.
  • Motivate you to keep everything in your closet clean and in good shape (after all, you only have a few things to wear).


3. Reboot A Room

If you feel like you’re going to drown in stuff every time that you enter your house, get a fresh start by rebooting a room. Choose a room of your house in which you spend a lot of time and do the following:

  • Take everything out. You want to end up with an empty room, which will allow you to see how open and free the space feels.
  • Step back and visualize the ideal look of that room.
  • Only put back the things that you need, love, and use (and which really belong in that room).
  • Go slowly, starting with the most essential items.
  • Once you see how neat and organized everything looks in your newly rebooted room, and how much space you’ve created in that room, you’ll probably be inspired to reboot every room in your house.



4. Reboot on a Retreat

We all need to get away from it all from time to time, especially when we start to experience burn out. Chronic stress can make you feel exhausted–emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

In addition, stress can zap your motivation, interfere with your ability to concentrate, and even cause health problems.
Going on a vacation—or more specifically, a retreat—can help you to leave the mayhem of the day-to-day behind so that you can reconnect with yourself and what really matters to you. A few days at a retreat can help you to clear your mind and gain new perspective.
There are even retreats which focus on specific life areas. For example, you can find retreats for any of the following:
  • A fitness retreat.
  • A marriage retreat.
  • A life-reassessment retreat.
  • A career retreat.
  • In addition, one option is to go on a one-year sabbatical.

5. Reboot Your Internal Clock

If your sleep cycle is out of whack–you stay up until 3:00 a.m. watching Netflix and checking Facebook–and you get up sometime after 10:00 a.m., you need to restart, or reboot, your internal clock. Your body’s clock is “set” by cues like light, when you eat, or when you exercise. Here are two ways to take advantage of these cues to reboot your internal clock:
Stop eating during the 12-16 hour period before you want to be awake. So, if you want to start waking up at 7:00 a.m., stop eating at about 5:00 p.m. the day before. Don’t break your fast until you wake up at 7:00 a.m. the next morning. There’s scientific research to back this up.
If you want to start getting up at 7:00 a.m., get thirty minutes of bright light ten minutes after waking up. In addition, keep lights low at the end of the day, and stay away from bright computer screens or television exposure shortly before bed.

6. Reboot You Calendar

If you find that your calendar and daily schedule are jam-packed with activities and commitments, most of which fill you with dread, then it’s time to reboot your calendar. Sit down with a blank sheet of paper and start re-creating your calendar from scratch.
Before you add anything back on your schedule, take the time to reexamine whether that task or activity really needs to be there. Question everything:

  • Your commitments;
  • Your commute;
  • The tasks that you carry out on a regular basis and whether they really need to be done;
  • The amount of time that you spend on each task;
  • How often you perform certain tasks; and so on.

Only put back into your schedule the things that you absolutely need to do, and the things that you love to do.

7. Reboot Your Finances

If financial stress is keeping you down, you need to reboot your finances. Do the following:

  • Get all of the food that you’re going to need for the month.
  • Get necessities such as toothpaste and toilet paper.
  • Write down the absolute essentials that you have to spend money on throughout the month, such as bus fare and the cost of utilities.
Then, for 30 days, spend absolutely no money except for the things on your “absolute essentials” list. Use the 30 days to reevaluate what you’re currently spending your money on, create a budget, and create a plan on how to better deal with your finances.

8. Reboot Your Goals

There’s a little less than 100 days left of the year. How are you doing on the resolutions that you set at the start of the year? If the answer is “not well”, then you need to reboot your goals. Do the following:

  • Take a look at the goals that you set at the beginning of the year.
  • Choose just one and discard the rest.
  • Start fresh on that goal, as if it were January 1st.
It doesn’t matter if you tried to go on a diet in January and were back to eating junk food by the second week of February, or if you started working on your ebook in March but quit after a few days. You’re giving yourself a fresh start on your goal.
Ask yourself why you failed to follow through on your goal, make the necessary adjustments to your plan for achieving your goal, and get to it.

9. One-Hour-A-Day Reboot

You can get a fresh start each day–that is, reboot every morning–in just one-hour-a-day. 

Regardless of what may have happened the day before, you can start each morning with a clean slate by devoting the first hour of the day to doing the following:
  • Spend fifteen minutes eating a healthy breakfast.
  • Spend fifteen minutes journaling or writing Morning Pages.
  • Spend fifteen minutes meditating or following a yoga routine.
  • Spend fifteen minutes exercising–you can rebound on a trampoline or walk a few times around the block.
Give yourself the gift of a daily reboot.


10. Extreme Reboot

Sometimes life goes so severely off course that we need an extreme reboot. The extreme version of a life reboot is to quit your job, file for divorce, sell everything that you own, and move to a new city (or even another country).

Only you can decide if such drastic measures are necessary. However, more often than not by pressing the Ctrl+Alt+Del keys in one or two areas of your life, all other areas will start to fall into place.


Conclusion

If you feel that you’re stuck in a pattern, you’ve been following the wrong path for too long, or your life needs a jolt, you need to reboot. You can get started with the ten reboot strategies explained above. Live your best life by rebooting any area of your life in which you need a fresh start.

Source: https://daringtolivefully.com/reboot-your-life

Good dads -- the real game changer | Dr. Meg Meeker | TEDxTraverseCity





Not directly related to divorce, but certainly an indirect endorsement of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids... in praise of Dads!

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Re-Spinning Splitting: Why Divorce Needs A Good Publicist

No one tells you not to graduate high school or get married or have kids. No one tells you that you shouldn’t exercise, eat right, save for retirement, or pay your mortgage on time. Or that you shouldn’t learn more, read more or strive for that next rung on the ladder. No one recommends you shouldn’t keep your nose clean, stay off drugs or avoid run-ins with the law. Nope. Nobody. There’s a general consensus that most of these things are smiled upon. Or it’s all a conspiracy theory — depending on your lens.

But we’re told — covertly or overtly — not to divorce. That divorce — in all its splendorous complexity and astronomical emotional and financial expense — is to be avoided at all costs. We’re instructed to “work” on our marriages, no matter how dire they’ve become. You’ll hurt yourself, your families, and your children, you’re warned. You’ll live eternally in financial straits. Your kids will blame you. Your ex-spouse will become an ogre only found in children’s fairy tales. Your life, after divorce, will become a big, black hole of regret, frustration and sadness.
But if nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, why are we still peddling it as doom and gloom? Isn’t it time to put a different spin on it? Of the divorced ranks, I ask: Isn’t there strength in numbers? Shouldn’t divorced folks combine forces to change up the ingrained messages that still plague our society about the ending of a marriage?
Hang on. I’m not arguing for divorce. I’m no more pro-divorce than I am pro-illiteracy. But we’ve become a nation of divorce dissenters. What if we didn’t look at divorce as a failure or a train wreck? What if, instead of promising our kids a happily ever after in which their parents never, ever split, we tell them there’s always that possibility? Marriages, despite our best intentions, don’t always last, we could say, even before trouble is on the horizon. What if we didn’t greet the news of divorce as a tiny tragedy but as a near-inevitable occurrence for half our population?
I’m divorced and my heart still sinks when I hear another couple is divorcing. I know that prescribed road is bumpy and dark and scary. But when I filter out the dire messages about divorce, what’s left? Like millions of others, I’m happier and better off. Not in every way, of course, but in the way most important — my soul is at peace. My kids see their mother — not as a shadow of herself — but as authentically living and enjoying her life. Would they prefer their parents still be married? Perhaps. But that’s because they’re also victims of a society which tells them divorce is bad and sad — that their family is busted.
We need to start managing expectations around here. Just twenty years ago, the idea of legal marriage for our gay friends was anathema to most folks. Even those who supported gay rights may have looked at it as a blue sky dream. But many have come around to accepting it as an inevitability and a human right. Yes, the spin has spun in a different direction. The numbers supported a change in the tide; the need to redefine an antiquated way of looking at what makes a family.
But woe is the gay couple who marries and, yikes, then chooses to divorce. Because, when you divorce, you break up a family. Right? See how readily you nod? But, stay with me here, maybe that’s not how we market it. What if, as a divorced nation, we accepted divorced families, not as broken, but as, well, simply divorced. Without labels attached. Or sympathy. Or blame.
Are there a tiny percentage of folks who live happily and passionately in 50-year marriages? Yes, of course. But many more of us choose to stay in meh marriages. Huge numbers of us get divorced. We’re half the norm. Our stories — and our families — are in desperate need of healthy redefinition.
So, I’ll begin by modeling the change I’d like to see in redefining divorce with a message to my kids: Boys, your family is not broken and neither are you. Your parents got divorced. You’re loved now as you have always been by the very same people. You carry no stigma. When you marry, please choose your spouses with eyes wide open. Know that, if you’re lucky, lust and love will overlap on a good day. Manage your expectations when it comes to the routine of married life. Understand that relationships have ups and downs. But when those downs continue for years on end, know that’s not the way you’re intended to live. I didn’t bring you into this world so you could live unhappily. Or with heavy, dissatisfied hearts. If you divorce, do so fairly, kindly and respectfully. Be a model for successful, divorced families without shame or guilt.
It’s time.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

6 Things Every Divorced Parent Should Put On Their "Stop-Doing" List


Dear Kids,

I’ve been thinking about how life has changed for you. There are so many things about our divorce that I wish I could fix or make less painful for you but I can’t. I hate that.


You may not know this but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I should be or could be doing to make things better for you. What I’ve realized is that sometimes what you stop doing is just as important as what you are doing.


Here are a few things I’m going to put on my “stop-doing” list.

1. I will stop avoiding the “hard “conversations.

There’s some tough stuff regarding the divorce that you and I should probably be talking about. Truth is, I worry about making things worse for you. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t know how to answer your questions? So instead of saying something, I end up saying nothing.

I know that my silence may leave you wondering if it’s okay to talk about it.
When you’ve been brave enough to speak up, there have been times when I’ve put you off or tried to casually change the subject.


The parent in me wants to protect you, to make the hurt and upset stop. The rational part of me knows I can’t and that keeping you in the dark isn't helping either.


You should feel like it’s okay to talk and ask questions. Avoiding the subject is my problem, not yours.


Moving forward, I'm going to do my best to change that. I will work on talking about the elephant in the room and speaking the hard truth.


Deep down I know you are wiser and stronger than I think. You are resilient beyond words. I have every faith that you can get through the this and will use what happened in our family to grow into a better person.


2. I will stop ignoring myself.

A lot of times I feel stuck but don’t reach out for help. I’ve convinced myself if I just dig deep and keep my head down, I can get through this on my own.

The problem is it doesn’t always work. There are times when I feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes even resentful of our situation. I know when this happens I can’t be the parent you need me to be. So, I try harder. This usually leads to me feeling really guilty and beating myself up for not being a better parent.


I often pay more attention to putting out fires and checking off to-do lists than whether I’m eating, sleeping or getting a break once in a while.


However, I realize that if I don’t make it, you won’t either.


While I may not always know where to turn, I will commit to finding some support. Whether it’s a trusted friend to help me sort things out, reading a book or finding a professional who can offer some insight, I will take that first step. I will make time to see a movie just for me, hang out with friends or go for a run.


I promise to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not only will it allow me be a better parent, but maybe it will help you set the bar a little higher for yourself someday.

3. I will stop expecting my truth to be your reality.

I hope you know I want you to be able to love both of your parents. You should never have to pick sides, worry about being fair or feel caught in the middle of our problems.
I realize what I see and feel about your other parent isn’t your truth, it’s mine.


And yet, sometimes feelings and memories from the past get the best of me. I forget that we can be two good people who didn’t make a good couple. That we will always be the only Mom and Dad you will ever have.

So I am going to try harder to separate my feelings about our marriage from your needs. To be more supportive of your relationship with your other parent and your home with them.
I will do my best to see what you see and stay focused on how important both of your parents are to you.



4. I will stop keeping score.

Sharing time with you is really hard. I resent not always being the parent who gets to see the first time you ride a bike, score a goal, win the science fair or go to the prom. I want to be there for all of it and it sucks that I can’t.

As a result, I can get really focused on having “my time” with you and keeping things fair. I forget that what feels fair to me, may not feel so great for you.


I know that when I get caught up in keeping score, you do too. Even though you don’t talk about it, I know there are times when you worry about keeping things the same between us. That’s not a burden I want you to bear.


I will do my best to be flexible instead of dividing up the minutes and hours of your life. Even though sharing isn’t easy, I will find ways to share those special moments with your other parent.


I will work harder to create memories with you that will last a lifetime and remind myself that "when" something happens isn’t nearly as important as "what" happens.


5. I will stop sweating the small stuff.

When your other parent and I hit a bump in the road or don’t agree, I can dig my heels in with the best of them. I can get over-focused on being right and close minded. When I’m in “my way or the highway” mode, I have a difficult time seeing beyond what’s right in front of me and taking in the big picture.

Truth is, most things don’t matter as much as we think. When you take a step back, most of the problems we lose sleep over are actually quite small.


When things go pear-shaped, I’ll try to give myself some perspective by asking “What difference will this make one month from now? How about six months or a year?”


6. I will stop making negative comparisons.

There are times when I see glimpses of your other parent in you and not always in a good way. When your room is a mess, I know I’ve slipped up and said “You’re just like your Dad.” When you talk smack about a rule you don’t like, I might have said, “You’re as stubborn as your Mom,” or worse.

I’m sorry for that.


When parents get divorced, it’s like you have blinders on. It’s easy to get caught up in all the negative, petty stuff you don’t like about each other. But that’s not fair to you. I know you think of yourself as half mom and half dad, which is the way it should be.

Everyone (including parents) has things that are really great about them and some things that are not so great.


From now on, I’ll do my best to steer clear of zeroing in on the not so great and put more energy into reminding you of the wonderful ways you are like both of us.

I imagine there are other areas of my co-parenting I could improve on. What I want you to know is I am committed to doing what I can to give you the childhood you deserve. You mean everything to me. I always want the love I have for you to be greater than any need I have to be right, proud or in control.


Being your parent is one of the most important jobs I’ve ever had. I hope when you look back on all of this, I’ll have done some things to make you proud.


Love you always,


Your Parent


Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/6-things-every-divorced-parent-should-put-stop-doing-list-mcghee?trk=v-feed&lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_all%3BQ6%2F30MH1Rjd5UVTk6QpiSA%3D%3D

Monday, 27 March 2017

6 Things That Keep You From Moving on After Divorce

You say that you want to move on, putting the divorce behind you and getting on with your life. You claim that you want to feel better, to stop crying and start living. Perhaps you even announce that you’re over your ex and that you’re ready to start looking for someone new.

Yet that desired progress isn’t happening.


The life you envision isn’t unfolding and instead, you find yourself stuck. Anchored in the muck and mire of the divorce. Not a member of your old life, yet not yet fully living in your new one.

It’s easy to make excuses for why you can’t seem to move on. You’re angry, and rightfully so, that your life plan turned out to be written in disappearing ink. Maybe your ex cheated, stealing your ability to trust along with your imagined future. Perhaps your bank account is anaemic and all of your energy has to go to replenishing its stores. You might have endured horrible court battles that wounded you and your children. You may be adjusting to life as a single parent or a sole breadwinner.

But those are all excuses, bindings that keep you lashed to the past. After all, it’s easier to say, “I can’t move on because of (insert favorite excuse here)” rather than shouldering the responsibility of moving on by yourself.
So, here is your metaphorical slap across the face. This is the advice you’ve needed to hear, but your friends and family are too nice to say it. But I’m not your friend. I’m someone who has been there, done that and now makes the T-shirts. I’m okay with making you a little angry if it helps to make you better.

I’m also not going to tell you to “get over it.” I find that phrase insulting and shortsighted, only uttered by people who have never felt a certain depth of pain or who prefer to bury it rather than address it. But even though there are some things you don’t just “get over,” you don’t have to let them hold you back.

If you’re having trouble moving on, you’re probably doing at least one of these things wrong.


Forgiveness


My response to people encouraging me to forgive was one of indignation. How could I be expected to forgive? He deserved all of the wrath I could send his way and then some. How dare someone tell me I should let that go?

But they were right. By refusing to forgive, I wasn’t hurting him. I was hurting me. I was allowing myself to be a prisoner to his actions and allowing them to dictate my feelings. Forgiving him was a gift of peace to myself.
Forgiveness isn’t a pardon. It acknowledges the wrongs and then wraps them in compassion and acceptance. Forgiveness is an inside job, quietly accepting the apology you never received.

Forgiveness is a difficult road. But you’re worth it.


Grasping

When we lose everything, it is human nature to grasp onto whatever remains. And, often in the case of divorce, what is left is the pain. And so we hold onto that pain, claim it. Own it. Defend it. Even feed it.

That pain can become our identity. I remember how I would receive care and kindness when I was hurting, yet would be comparatively ignored when I was not. It’s tempting to stay in pain, to allow others to continuously nurture our wounded hearts.

But is that really what you want? To be the hurt one? The weak one? To be so determined to lay claim to your pain that you do allow anything or anyone else in? Releasing that pain is strangely scary. It’s willingly loosening your grip on your past and trusting that you’ll land safely.

Let go. It’s worth it.


Associations

Do you have triggers that are like a time warp to the past, pulling you back to moments of agony and anxiety? I do. In fact, I would say this has been my greatest challenge — learning to respond from the present and not from the past.

Even though some healing is passive, slowly softening with the passage of time, triggers are often more resistant. They take repeated attention and deliberate action to remediate. Triggers and associations are not inevitable; you can retrain your brain.

It takes work. But you’re worth it.


Replication

One of the most difficult parts of divorce is that at the same time you’re mourning your past and present, you’re also grieving the loss of the future you thought you would have. Maybe you’re lucky and you’re life is relatively untouched. Or, maybe you’re like me and you were left with only the clothes on your back.

Regardless of your situation, it is important to not try to recreate what you had. You’ll fail. My situation was unusual in that I never spent time in a decaying marriage. So, after he left, I stated I wanted to same thing again (well, without the bigamy and hidden life!). Only there were two problems with that. First, I would always be disappointed because no person and no relationship would exactly fill the shoes left behind from the first. Secondly, I was no longer the same person and so my desires and needs had shifted.

Just because something is different, does not mean that it is worse. Rather than fight against change, learn to be grateful for the hidden gifts within.

Just because your future isn’t the one you wanted, doesn’t mean you can’t make it beautiful.

Dream it. And then do it. You’re worth it.


Isolation

This is more of a problem for us introverts, but anyone can fall sway to the call of isolation after divorce. We’re wounded and often ashamed, wanting to hide our vulnerabilities from the rest of the world. Our self-esteem may have taken a blow and further rejection is too scary to risk.
It seems safer to tuck away from prying eyes until the new skin has formed over the exposed rawness. Safer in the short run, perhaps, but deadly in long term. When you isolate yourself, you lose out on the important perspective provided by others. Your social anxieties grow, making future connections even more difficult. And perhaps worst of all, you give up on the support that others can offer.
It’s scary to put yourself out there, to risk being hurt or rejected. But connection with others is what life is all about. You’re too special to hide.

Take the chance on opening up to others. It’s worth it.


Self Care

This is often the biggest struggle for single parents. You may now bear the sole burden of your children’s well-being and so you push your own care to the side. You know that your oxygen mask comes first but no parent can watch his or her child suffer while standing by.

But part of your responsibility as a parent is to teach your children how to take care of themselves. If all they see is you sacrificing yourself for others, they will emulate that in their own relationships. It is okay to be both a parent and a person; they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Furthermore, in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to be the best person you can be. And that means taking care of yourself and your needs. Make your diet, your exercise, your sleep and your social time a priority.

You’re worth it.


You can move on. The bindings holding you back are the excuses kicked up by your own mind. And they only keep you bound if you let them. Moving on doesn’t happen when the calendar cycles to a certain date or when a certain event transpires.

Moving on occurs when you take the responsibility to make it happen.

Just because there are some things you don’t simply “get over,” it doesn’t mean you have to let them hold you back.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/6-things-that-keep-you-from-moving-on_b_5155943.html

Managing life’s opportunities as a working mother | Stephanie Herseth Sa...





There's a real challenge about taking the opportunities that you can as a single working parent, just the same as for any working parent.

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Find The Positive Side of Divorce

Finding the positive side of divorce is not always easy, especially when you feel like you've been run over by a Mack truck. But the truth is divorce gives us the opportunity to start over again more intelligently. Plus, when you look for the positive in a situation, it's a lot easier to accept what life hands you.




You Can't Always get What You Want but You Get What You Need

The Rolling Stones were actually very smart. They were dead-on when they sang that you can't always get what you want but you get what you need… that is if you are paying attention to what is being offered. When we wish, pray or hope for something, what we actually might be gifted with is the situation in which to manifest that gift.
All too often, we don't recognize the opportunities in life. We see obstacles instead of openings. Divorce is a perfect example of hidden opportunities. At first we cannot see the forest through the trees. We are in pain and our perspective or outlook is very limited. We don't realize that our divorce has many gifts or opportunities for growth. They are hidden from view but the challenges that lay before us are actually chances to become the person we were always meant to be.
Take Alice. Her marriage was not a happy one but she ignored all the signs along the way. She did not want to have to confront what was happening: she was in denial. She had always allowed her husband a great amount of freedom because she found it difficult to stand up for herself. She lacked self-esteem and she brought this to her marriage.
When her marriage fell apart, she was devastated and claimed she could not understand what had happened. After working together, she was able to face the fact that she had been an enabler of her husband's behavior. By not standing up for herself, she gave him a green light to do whatever he wanted. In addition, by refusing to confront the reality of her marriage, she failed to do take the necessary actions that might have changed the situation for the better. Seeing the truth she now chose to take responsibility for herself and her life.
Alice decided to use her divorce as a catalyst for the changes that would give her the life she wanted and deserved. She chose to see that her divorce was the perfect opportunity to develop self-esteem, confidence and strength. She began to see that perhaps, just perhaps, her divorce was exactly what she needed in order to become what she truly wanted. She had suffered as a result of her low self-esteem and now she found herself in the perfect place to cultivate that trait.
What are you seeking? What do you need? Look around. Is your situation right now a springboard towards what you really want? Remember that you might not get exactly what you asked or prayed for but if you look hard enough, you will see that you may have been gifted with the opportunity to create the things that you so desire.

Saturday, 25 March 2017

Tricks for Combatting Procrastination | Tim Ferriss



Procrastination can be a major barrier to making much needed change in our lives. 


Some wise words here from Tim Ferriss... What do you think?

Friday, 24 March 2017

Divorce And Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids


Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn’t always negative for kids — sometimes it’s excellent for kids. Here are five ways that your children can benefit from your divorce:
1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there’s ugliness between the couple, no one’s happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they’ll do much better.
2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed. Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows. 

3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship “for the kids,” don’t fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.
4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.
5. There’s the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit. 
So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you’re either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What’s most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it — and your children’s attitude and well-being will follow suit.

Thursday, 23 March 2017

5 Positive Lessons Children Learn From Divorce

Many parents worry their divorce will negatively effect their children. However, one psychologist says divorce can have a positive impact on kids.



Your parents, a best friend, perhaps even yourself—most Canadians have had some experience with divorce. In 2008, Statistics Canada estimated that 41 percent of Canadian marriages would end in divorce before their 30th wedding anniversaries.

Despite this forecast, the actual number of divorces in Canada declined between 2007 and 2008—the most recent years studied by Statistics Canada—but the heartbreak that accompanies a divorce is still very real for many Canadian children. Thankfully, not all kids grow up to carry scars from their parents' split. Here are five positive life lessons children can learn following a divorce.


1. They become resilient and adaptable

For Gabrielle Domingues, a Toronto media specialist and married mother of two, her parents' divorce taught her how to roll with life's changes. "Divorce made me more adaptable to varying lifestyle situations," she says. "My dad lived in a different city for years, so I was more attuned to having more than one resting place with different people and things. That's a useful skill to have."

Dr. Lisa Ferrari, a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist, says Gabrielle's hunch is bang on. "A natural byproduct of going through divorce is that you are required to be more adaptive," she says. "You're in a situation where you have to develop coping strategies to deal with physical and psychological space transitions."


Often, children of divorce grow up having to develop coping strategies that their non-divorce counterparts wouldn't encounter until years later, if at all. "Having to overcome these obstacles and having to deal with change makes some children of divorce more resilient in life," says Dr. Ferrari.



2. They become more self-sufficient

Tara Richmond, a married mother to a six-year-old son and a marketing and media consultant in Collingwood, ON, found that her parents' divorce made her more confident in her own abilities. "Having a mother working full time after my parents' split taught me how to be more self-sufficient," she says. "I went home after school by myself and often started dinner. At age 11, I was doing laundry, and small grocery shops. I really relished my time alone at home. I got to know myself."

The new economic challenges that come with having a single-parent income often result in the child becoming more responsible for household chores. "It's logical that divorce offspring would view themselves as more self-sufficient, and see this strength as a positive outcome of their parents' divorce," says Dr. Ferrari.


3. They develop an increased sense of empathy toward others

A change in the family unit can make some children more sympathetic to the problems of others. "I think I am more accepting of people, their situations and circumstances," says Tara. "My parents were the first of my friends or family to get a divorce. It was 1980, so there was still a stigma."

Dr. Ferrari says that she sees this caring trait in the kids of divorce who frequent her practice. "When their peers have family problems, it's very relatable for them," she says. "I find that they can be quite empathetic."


4. The idea of marriage isn't taken for granted

"Coming from divorced parents, I have a heightened understanding to the stakes [in marriage], which hopefully makes me a more conscientious spouse," says Gabrielle. I feel a certain pride that my marriage is strong and happy when my parents' wasn't, like I'm succeeding where they didn't."

"I'm not surprised that's something Gabrielle's proud of," says Dr. Ferrari. "Even at a young age, kids want to create something different after they've experienced the hurt that comes from the separation of their parents. They say that they're going to do this better than their parents, or not do it at all. Gabrielle's doing it, and she's changing her history."


5. They learn more through quality time spent with each parent

Not all kids of divorce spend less time with their parents. "I got to know my parents on a different level by spending so much time with them individually," says Tara. "I think my relationship with each of them became closer and we learned a lot about each other."
Like Tara, the kids in Dr. Ferrari's practice often mention this plus. "The biggest positive I hear from the kids and see first hand is that they spend more time with dad, especially if their family structure was more traditional [pre-divorce]," she says. "When the parents move into a shared role, the kids find they get more time with their fathers."


While it's more common for a child, or adult, to recount negatives from their parents' divorce, Dr. Ferrari says that the legal community is adopting changes that suit the children's best interests. Hopefully, these adjustments will facilitate more positive outcomes. "We're moving towards alternate dispute resolution processes such as mediation, so parents can go through divorce without involving court," she says. "Engaging in co-parenting therapy lets mom and dad commit to parenting the kids the same way, despite no longer being married to one another. These changes are positive for kids."


Source: http://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/5-positive-lessons-children-learn-from-divorce


Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Do Something!





An inspirational message... starts out business focussed but certainly applicable to us all... make every morning count in the journey to thrive!

Motivational Tips: Life Tips after Divorce

Mental Health: 10 Tips to Get your Life in Order and Regain Control after the Divorce


I sometimes have restless nights where I can’t seem to get my mind off everything I’m faced with. Often I’m thinking about my next move in this world. How about you? When your marriage ends, thiscan happena lot. Divorce, and coping with it, has a way of mkaing your mind wander in these directions.
After such a night not too long ago I went for a walk along the Grand Traverse Bay (one of my favorite spots) to shake off my grogginess and fretfulness. Walking east, the morning light cast an amber haze on gentle ripples easing their way to shore. I spied two sandpipers flitting in the sand, and a few sea gulls feasting on something that had washed up on the beach. A couple of minutes later, from behind the large breakwater surrounding the marina, came a powerboat disrupting the baby ripples, forcing more aggressive waves toward me.
I made it over to the space next to the harbor house and looked north to the water’s edge, continuing the conversations in my head from the middle of the night, as well as trying to figure out what on earth I was going to write about for this column when I got back to my computer.Just as I started to head for home I caught sight of a mama duck and her babies making their way to the beach. Ten baby ducklings, all in a row. I said to myself, “They seem to know where they’re going and they’re doing it with purpose and precision. Why can’t I seem to get it together like that?”
Then I wondered: What would be the ten things I’d need to do more of to get me closer to my dreams and a more settled life? After pondering it for a short while I came up with the following list, in no particular order (and all subject to change) that I intend to work on:
10 TIPS FOR LIFE 
1. Get healthy, and lose weight, so I’ll look and feel better about myself.
2. Clean out my closets, literally and figuratively. This applies to anything or anyone weighing me down.
3. Tackle those things I tend to procrastinate over, taking them one step at a time so as to not feel so overwhelmed.
4. Stop feeling the need to take care of EVERYONE all of the time, and start caring more about my own needs.
5. Spend more time doing what I truly love to do (which is almost always tied to our purpose in life).
6. Take the time to learn something new every day.
7. Find something to be grateful for every single day.
8. Work on my relationships, especially the ones I find the most difficult (gee, where do I start?).
9. Catch myself every time I use negative self-talk, and think more positively.
10. Meditate.
When the issues of divorce are surrounding us, it’s really easy for everything to feel like one big jumbled mess. Taking the time to create a list of things we find important to our well-being (both inner and outer), and then actually acting on them, can help us feel more in control, more together. What 10 ducks are you going to compile?

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

5 Ways to Seize the Moment and Live Without Regrets

“Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown

Samara is my colleague at work. She is one of the most pleasant ladies I know. She always has a smile and an encouraging word to give.
She really is the kind of woman you want to speak to on the days you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand, because she always has something comforting to say. As we got closer, I confided more and more in her about the challenges I was going through in my life.
I envisioned that her life must be perfect since she has such inner strength.
But I was wrong.
One day I noticed she had a sad countenance. That was strange because Samara was like sunshine itself. However, her sad countenance did not last, and before long she had her signature smile back on.
But I was not deceived. I knew that deep inside her, she was experiencing some pain, so I asked her what was wrong.
At first, she smiled and said that all was well. But I insisted that she confide in me. She looked me in the eyes, thanked me for caring, and then dropped the bombshell.
“My six-year-old daughter has been in a critical condition for the past six months because of my carelessness. I saw her yesterday and her situation seems to have worsened. I think she is going to die.”
For a second, I could not speak. I was in shock.
“I am so sorry,” I managed to stammer, trying not to let her see how shaken I was by the shocking statement I had just heard.
She explained to me that six months ago, she had stopped at a supermarket to get a few things. And because she was in a hurry, she had left her daughter in the car with the engine running. Her daughter had managed to engage the gear and the car had sped into the road, right into an oncoming trailer, and she had been seriously injured.
The tears rolled down my face as she narrated this horrific story to me.
She assured me that she had managed to forgive herself and had replaced regrets with gratitude for the six years she spent with her daughter.
I recalled with a sense of embarrassment all the fuss I sometimes make over little things that, in light of what I’d just heard from Samara, now seem really insignificant.
My marriage was not working out the way I wanted it to and everyday I lived with regret that I married my husband. I made a career change, which has turned out to be a very poor decision, and I have not been able to forgive myself.
I realized that I spend too much of my time dwelling on all the mistakes I have made in the past. I spend too much time regretting things that I have no power to change. I spend too much time wishing things were different. I spend too much time beating myself up over what I’ve done.
Over the years after that encounter, I determined to live a more positive life, free of regrets. Here are five ways I’ve learned to do that:

1. Live your life with purpose.

I realized that my career was doing badly because I did not have a career plan. I just drifted through my days without something to look forward to, so my life lacked momentum.
Determine to live a life of focus. Today, take a stand on one thing you want to achieve in your life and draw up a plan to accomplish it.

2. Stop making excuses.

I blamed everybody else for the way my life turned out. I blamed my husband for the failure of my marriage and I blamed my boss for not promoting me.
I am responsible for my life and not anybody else. Instead of making excuses, I need to take responsibility.
It doesn’t matter what the obstacles in your life are. You can achieve almost anything if you put your mind to it. Helen Keller and Jon Morrow are examples of people who achieved excellence despite physical disabilities.
Look within yourself. There is something waiting to be birthed. Find what that something is and do it, without excuses.

3. Choose not to be a victim.

At a point, I thought I had made such a mess of my life that there was no point trying to put things right. So I gave up trying. I mulled over my mistakes every day and went deeper into regrets.
None of this helped me. I only started making progress when I embraced my mistakes, determined not to make them again, and resumed chasing my dreams.
Life is not fair for any one of us. There will be storms and you will make mistakes. But be determined to get up as many times as life pushes you down. Forgive yourself, learn the lessons, and go on working toward your goals.
The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself, the less time you have to pursue the life of your dreams.

4. Stop comparing yourself to others.

I could not stop comparing myself to others. Everybody seemed to be happier than me, their marriages seemed to be faring better, and I seemed to be the only person with a less than fulfilling career.
This made me feel even worse. I wondered what others were doing that I was not. Their progress in life seemed to dampen my spirit.
Over time, I realized that comparing yourself with others is one of the greatest mistakes anybody can make. No matter who you are or where you find yourself in life, always remember that you have your own unique path to walk.
Never compare yourself, your struggles, and your journey to anyone else, for that would only distract you from your own.
We are all different. Forget about others and focus on fulfilling your own life dreams. 

5. Take action now.

After I drew up a career plan for myself, I still lacked the courage to follow my plan. I wasted a lot of time because I was afraid that I would fail and I did not have to courage to start. So I continued to push things off.
It’s funny how so many people seem to think that tomorrow is better than today for getting things done. We put off those things that are important to us and we lie to ourselves by saying that we will do them later.
Whatever you need to do, do it now! Today is the tomorrow you planned for yesterday, so start today.
My chat with Samara that day was a wake up call. I promised myself that day that I would not waste any more precious moments of my life regretting. I have been able to do that and have discovered inner peace in the process.
So I urge you to do the same. Don’t waste any more time on regrets. Learn the lesson and move on. There’s still a lot of life in you. Go out there and live it!

Monday, 20 March 2017

How to avoid relationship mistakes when dating after a divorce

Does the idea of dating after divorce arouse the same dread as does a root canal? Are you trying to get back into the dating scene but don’t know how or are scared that you will attract the wrong person? Well, have no fear. Here is some after divorce dating advice to help you jump back into the dating deepend before you know it!

Do

Do understand why your last relationship failed

Following divorce, it’s only natural to have cold feet when it comes to finding a new flame. Whether conscious of it or not, divorce leaves most people scared of getting burned again. And there’s good reason for fear. What’s to say you won’t make the same mistakes again? If you want to prevent your next relationship from going down in flames, it’s vital to understand the reasons why your last relationship went up in smoke. With clarity comes the courage to jump again into the dating pool -- and attract your true Mr. or Ms. right this time around.

Do take notice of your repetitive mate selection patterns

Most of us have been emotionally injured during our “de-formative years.” It is these old scars from childhood that drive us to choose partners who emotionally resemble the parents who injured us so that we can recreate our old scars; not because we’re gluttons for punishment--but because we secretly hope to achieve a happy ending this time around. If our partners bring us the emotional goodies that we didn’t receive from our parents, our old scars will finally feel healed.
Sadly, this plan rarely works, precisely because our partners are limited and damaged in the exact ways that our parents were--meaning they can’t give us any better treatment than our parents did. Awareness of our old scars enables us to make a more conscious choice this time around, and head-off unnecessary heartache.

Do choose a partner who will give you your happy ending

After identifying your old scar, your next task is to become conscious of what your happy ending is. Hint: Your happy ending is the kind of treatment that you always dreamed of receiving from the parent who let you down. Your quest for this happy ending is your blueprint for your next relationship. So, for example, if you had a father who paid no attention to you, look for a partner who is present and attentive to you. The bottom line: This time around you want to choose a partner who will feed rather than frustrate your deepest needs.

Do interview candidates and be highly selective

The only way to determine if someone is right for you is to do your homework. Dating homework consists of asking lots of questions and observing your intended’s actions over time. With both eyes open, you want to be looking for a partner who is similar to you in all the areas that count, including financial, sexual, political and religious values. The more similar you both are, the more compatible you are. And, above all, you want to ensure that the person isn’t like the parent (or your ex) who let you down. Doing your due diligence is the key to preventing a repeat performance of the heartache that you experienced in your first family and in your relationship with your ex.

Do be authentic

Thirty-five percent of all new marriages are the result of online dating. But, with online dating, it’s easy to present a false mask. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University found that 80 percent of online daters lie about their age, height, and weight. So be careful! Don’t take another person’s profile at face value. Keep one eyebrow raised until you can verify the other person’s honesty. And, when it comes to presenting yourself, remember: If you paint a false picture of yourself, you’re painting yourself into a corner! And you can’t undo lies and omissions.
Besides, the more authentic you are the better your chances of attracting the right partner for you. The idea is to give a snapshot of your personality, tastes, and interests without oversharing. So you probably don’t want to talk about your recurring IBS, but you do want to offer pertinent details that will help potential partners know who you are and what you’re into.

Don't

Do not choose a partner who hates his/her mother or father

If your date is like most of the world, he/she may be looking to replay unfinished business with a parent using you as the emotional punching bag. Your bottom line is this: If someone has an ax to grind with his/her parents, run for the hills, because it won’t be long before that ax swings in your direction.

Do not choose a partner who’s a project

When you find yourself drawn to someone who’s damaged goods, that’s your warning sign that you’re on the verge of repeating old scars. Trying to fix damaged partners is an unconscious attempt to fix our parents in the hope of achieving our happy ending. If this is your case, step back from dating until your old scar is healed. Then and only then will you be ready to find a healthy relationship rather than a partner who’s a project. Remember: The way to spell heartache? Choose a partner who’s a project!

Do not delay meeting in person

If you’re new to the dating scene, or you’ve been burned and are recovering from a messy breakup or divorce, you probably won’t feel comfortable rushing an in-person meeting. But beware: Anonymous, faceless conversations play a trick on your mind, allowing you to develop an intimacy without really knowing the other person. In other words, that guy or lady becomes a blank screen you can project your fantasies onto—enabling that person to become anyone you want. Keep that going too long, and you may fall in love with a phantom. Be wary of prolonged email exchanges and never-ending phone calls and meet in person asap.

Do not choose a person who refuses to take ownership

When “interviewing” dates as candidates for a possible relationship, listen carefully to what your date says about past failed relationships. If that person blames everything on the ex and takes no responsibility for his/her role in the demise of past relationships, grab your marbles and go home! Otherwise, you will soon be losing your marbles when you find yourself on the receiving end of that person’s blame.

Do not settle

After a breakup or divorce, our self-esteems can be lower than pond scum. In this state, we don’t feel desirable, which can make us come across as desperate and needy. When our self-esteems are flying at half mast, we are at risk of settling for someone who isn’t right for us or even attracting a dating deadbeat. So, before reentering the dating scene, make sure to raise your personal net worth and you will raise the odds of attracting your Mr. or Ms. Right!

Summary

Reentering the dating scene is a wonderful opportunity to set yourself free from the childhood emotional demons that haunt our adult relationships. The key to freedom is consciousness: Know your old scars and consciously choose a partner who will bring you healing rather than heartache.