Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

Really like the metaphor for forks in the road as decision points in life post-divorce.

Reduce the Stress of a Divorce

No matter how frustrated you may have become with your partner, the decision to divorce never is an easy one. Strong emotions often arise on both sides. But there are healthy ways to cope.

Making the Decision

The decision legally to end a relationship sets off a long and difficult process. Even without complicated legal and financial issues, the upheaval is often enormous, affecting children, grandparents, friends and the extended family. The chances are that some of the family members involved will experience a drop in their standard of living. All will face an emotional challenge.

So before deciding to divorce, make sure you have done all you can to improve your relationship. Are you certain that there is no alternative, such as separation? Think about talking it over with a marriage and family therapist or getting other expert advice and help. A consultation with a lawyer can provide an idea of the likely legal and financial outcomes. 
Often lawyers will provide free initial consultations. Look in the Yellow Pages under “attorneys” for those who specifically handle divorces, as lawyers often specialise.

Coping with the Stress of Divorce

Separation and divorce are two of the most painful life events there are. They can lead you to question everything in your life, including your own identity and your ability to cope by yourself. Divorce highlights your fears and sensitivities, so old wounds from the past might resurface. You will need to recover your self-esteem, which will take time.

Below are some coping techniques to help you take care of yourself and others.

• Consider joining a support group, and going through mediation. It can lead to better communication and fewer confrontations with your ex-partner.
• Rather than withdrawing socially, surround yourself with friends. Remember how important they are in providing support, perspective and practical help.
• Learn how to balance giving and receiving. You don’t have to be perfect.
• Don’t beat yourself up over what you should have done. Stop the negative self-talk and guilt. You can’t change the past, so try to learn the lessons the present offers, then focus on a positive future.
• Set aside time just for yourself to help you find balance.
• Don’t worry about what other people might think.
• Declutter your environment. If something is too painful to look at or is useless to you now that you’re alone, throw it out.
• Determine what most needs doing and in what order. Then break up the tasks into smaller steps that can be done in several shorter periods of time. That way larger tasks seem more manageable and you are more likely to get them done.
• If you have been a stay-at-home mom and out of the workforce for some time, you probably will need to go back to school for training in a marketable skill. Bringing home your own money is satisfying and creates independence. It also sets a positive example for your children.
• Work toward forgiveness and moving on. Don’t deny your anger, but don’t let it drain your energy by getting stuck in resentment.
• Don’t be scared of going out on your own and opening up to new people.

Divorce and Money Issues

In addition to the difficulties of ending a relationship, you also will have to deal with finances. This can be particularly tricky if there is an atmosphere of mistrust because of the break-up. Many divorces actually are caused my money issues.

If your partner used to deal with all the financial matters, make it a priority to learn how to budget and manage your finances. Get advice on the financial decisions you need to make, especially if you are selling your house. Ask for help from your lawyer or an organization which supports those going through a divorce.

Most couples agree on a financial settlement without going to court, but even so, a typical divorce settlement can take over a year to finalize. Deciding on child maintenance payments can be especially difficult. Make a list of all your assets and debts, close joint accounts as soon as possible, and get advice on how your pension, savings and investments will be affected.

Divorce’s Effect on Children

While most adapt well, some children will suffer significant adjustment problems. They will at the very least be anxious about their relationships within the family and about the disruption in their own lives. A lot depends on how you handle it — you can make an enormous difference in how well they cope.

Below are some ways to reduce divorce’s emotional impact on children.

• Give them as much reassurance as possible. Keep telling them that they are not responsible for the break-up.
• Talk over what is happening in an age-appropriate way.
• Be open to their questions and encourage them to talk about their feelings, but don’t force them to talk.
• Encourage them to maintain their relationship with the other parent. Don’t criticize the other parent, demand exclusive loyalty, or use them to hurt your ex-partner.
• Avoid looking to your children for support or guidance. Ask friends or a therapist instead.
• Maintain normal household routines as far as possible.
• Look for signs of distress: increasingly clingy behavior, tantrums, fear of separation, anxiety at bedtime, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, headaches or stomachaches, increased aggression or perfectionism.
• If you observe these symptoms, let the child know that you understand they are upset and it’s OK to talk about it to you or another trusted adult. Help them express themselves as best they can and seek professional help if signs of distress continue.
• To reduce conflict around holidays, keep expectations realistic, including expectations of yourself. Don’t make younger children decide which parent to spend the holiday with; this will cause enormous distress. Parents should not try to outdo each other, or make up for problems, with presents or other indulgences.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/reduce-the-stress-of-a-divorce/?all=1

Life After Divorce: 3 Survival Strategies

How ex-spouses and their kids can cope after divorce and move beyond the pain.

Sixteen years and three children into her marriage, Nancy Michaels' husband dealt her the blow of a lifetime. Out of the blue, he told her he wanted a divorce -- but he wouldn't tell her or their kids why he was leaving. Months later, a sudden and unexpected medical problem found Michaels close to death.

Unable to take care of her children while she was hospitalized, she risked losing custody of them permanently.

Now, less than four years later, with her health back, Michaels has risen from the depths of emotional despair brought on by the blow of an unexpected divorce, regained primary custody of her children, bought a house of her own, and begun a web site exclusively for women over 40 going through divorce.

Without question, coping with divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Mental health experts say the pain it causes rivals grieving the death of a loved one. But as Michaels' story illustrates, surviving divorce is possible.

WebMD spoke with the pros -- adults who have been through a divorce, as well as counselors who help people survive the effects of divorce -- to learn what coping strategies work to help people through this trying time.

1. Seek Out a Support Network

No single strategy will ease the pain and loss that divorce brings. But time and time again, when asked how best to weather the effects of divorce, respondents say this: lean on a support network.

"Recognize your support network. If it's not strong enough, build it up," says Jennifer Coleman, EdS, NCC, a life transition coach who works with divorce clients of the Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina.

For Michaels, her support network while surviving divorce initially consisted of one good friend. "She has a great sense of humor," Michaels tells WebMD, recalling how she went from crying alone in a movie theater as she watched a romantic love story to laughing out loud afterward when her friend insisted they go to dinner together.

At the suggestion of the judge who oversaw her divorce case, Michaels then expanded her circle of support to include the group Women with Controlling Partners. She's glad she took him up on it. "When you get divorced, most of your old friends run. They're no longer thrilled to have you in their house; there's a dynamic that shifts considerably," she tells WebMD. That hasn't been the case with women in the support group. "We have Friday night pizza with our kids. We'll give each other a ride to the airport if we need it. It really has saved my sanity," Michaels says.

Finding support is not just for women. While women tend to seek and find support rather easily while coping with divorce, men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others, despite having equally strong emotional needs. Consider David Wood, a handyman who recently went through a bitter divorce. "I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I thought people would think less of me," he says.

It wasn't until a neighbor started sharing his own story about a difficult divorce that Wood felt comfortable enough reciprocating with his own woes -- and finding it incredibly cathartic. "You've got to open up," he says.

While emotional support helps people navigate the initially painful hurdles of divorce, the importance of shoring up assistance for practical purposes post-divorce cannot be overstated. Even before the clouds of her divorce lifted, Susan Perrotta knew she had to be a strong presence for her children, who were barely school age at the time. She made immense sacrifices to be there for them, sometimes pulling all-nighters to complete art projects for clients, then seeing her children off to school in the morning.

A single mother with no family in town, Perrotta essentially raised her children on her own. But she strategically sought and took advantage of support resources available to her. "I made friends with teachers and administrators at my kids' schools. They were fantastic," she tells WebMD.

She also chose to move to a close-knit neighborhood where she could call on neighbors for help in a pinch. She used her pediatrician as a sounding board, recalling him as "a wonderful pediatrician who knew the kids well." And she looked beyond differences with her ex-husband to get him involved. "I pulled him in when I needed his help. I made him work with me," she says.

2. Redefine Yourself

Going through a divorce means no longer being part of a couple, a reality that can come as a relief or a frightening prospect. "For the person who sees him or herself as multifaceted, it's generally a lot easier. But if someone has been nothing but a spouse and saw that as the most important role, it can be pretty crushing," Coleman tells WebMD.

Looking at this time as a period of self-exploration is one way to overcome feelings of isolation and fear. "Take up new hobbies, activities, interests -- expand yourself. Stay busy in a constructive way," suggests Patricia Covalt, PhD, a Denver-based licensed marriage therapist.

Exploring untapped interests can be both a place to positively let go of the grief brought on by divorce and a way to redefine yourself. Wood, devastated by not seeing his children on a daily basis, threw himself into starting and cultivating a community garden. "It was a big help. I'd physically exhaust myself working there. It kept my mind from wandering," he says. Taking ownership of the garden also served as a productive hobby, in which Wood grew not only seasonal vegetables and fruits but also stronger friendships with other community members.

3. Minimize the Impact on Kids

While coping with divorce, pain is inevitable -- but soon-to-be ex-spouses have the power to minimize the pain their children feel by keeping things as amicable as possible.
"You're dealing with a lot of grief and personal feelings. But always avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children," says Jennipher Cole, LPC-S, a marriage and family therapist with the DePelchin Children's Center in Houston.

She has seen the poor outcomes of clients who ignore this advice: in younger children, regressive behavior like bed-wetting; in older children and teenagers, low self-esteem and risky behaviour.

Cole also warns against pulling children into any conflict with an ex-spouse, a scenario that provokes "taking sides."

Others echo her sentiments. "If you put your kids in the middle, it's a short gain with a long loss. I'm much more interested in maintaining a long-term relationship with my kids," Michaels says.

Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/life-after-divorce-3-survival-strategies#1

From Surviving to Thriving

Days after my tsunami divorce, my mom turned to me and told me I would survive.

I actually got angry and responded rather strongly, “No, I will not survive. I will thrive. To do anything less is to remain his victim.”

I saw surviving as the bare minimum, the mere intake of breath and food in order to go through the motions of life. I refused to settle for that. I wanted more. It felt insurmountable, yet the vision and hope remained intact.

Inspired by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, these goals can serve to help you navigate the challenging path after divorce and take you from merely surviving to thriving.

Survive

The first tier of goals are about your literal survival. In the beginning, it is enough to simply focus on your next breath. And then the one after that. The goal is to keep you alive and functioning. These physical needs must be addressed first before any further progress can be made.

Safety
The first priority is your immediate physical safety. If you have been a victim of domestic violence or if you have concerns that your ex may become violent, seek help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline can help point you to resources in your area. If abuse has not occurred, but you have concerns, contact your local police department. In my case, they graciously offered to do periodic drive-bys during the first few scary weeks. 

Shelter
Once your immediate safety has been secured, it is time to figure out your short-term or long-term housing. Consider all of your options carefully and make the choice that feels best for your (and your children’s) long term health and happiness. I knew I could not stay in the marital home due to financial and emotional reasons. I also knew that I was not ready to live alone; it would have been too isolating. I was fortunate to have a friend and her family offer their guest bedroom to me for the first year. It wasn’t ideal, but it was perfect.

Food
Post-divorce, people tend to fall into one of two camps when it comes to food. Some overindulge, using food as a way to soothe and self-medicate. Others lose all appetite and avoid food altogether. Neither approach is healthy physically or emotionally. Think of the food you eat as your basic input. You can’t expect a quality output when you put in garbage or nothing at all. In those early days and weeks when people ask how they can help, ask for a healthy meal. It just might be the fuel you need to see it through.

Sleep
Something about loss makes the nights seem endless, hours stretching further than any clock can convey. This is only amplified when you cannot sleep. I spent many nights sitting on the edge of my bed, legs shaking, tears pouring down my swollen face. Many nights where I arose never having slept. In the best of times, lack of sleep makes the smallest task overwhelming. During divorce? It makes it impossible. I resisted medication for weeks and then gave in when it became apparent that my body wouldn’t turn off on its own. Sleep is a priority. If it doesn’t happen naturally, seek medical help.

Alive
This is where your basic emotional needs are met. These goals take you out of survival mode and remind you what it feels like to be alive.

Breath
When you face loss, the chest has a tendency to tighten, bound by a corset of grief. The breath becomes shallow as struggle to hold on to anything, even the air held deep in your chest. Consciously work to invite the breath back into the body. I found yoga immensely helpful in teaching my body to breathe again, welcoming life back in to the body and mind.

Movement
Whether you were an avid exerciser before your divorce or you have always preferred the sedentary life, movement in some form is a key element in healing. Exercise reduces anxiety and depression, increases energy and builds confidence even as it builds muscle. It is a reminder of what it feels like to be fully alive, moving with energy and intention.

Touch
Humans are social creatures; we have evolved to touch and be touched. Friendly contact increases oxytocin, reduces cortisol and lowers anxiety. After divorce, it’s common to be touch-deficient at a time when you need its benefits the most. One of the ways I met this need after my split was to prioritize monthly massage sessions. It was a safe way that I could receive touch without the expectancy of reciprocity. Those precious hours on that table helped to rebuild my sense of self and stability. 

Laughter
One of my favorite pictures of myself is one where my now-husband then-boyfriend captured me in the middle of a huge, belly-shaking laugh. That was the first instance where I truly felt alive again after my ex left. The first moment where nothing mattered except that for that single moment. Laughter is the sound of life. And practice makes perfect. Find opportunities to smile and embrace them. You may feel like you’re faking it for a while. That’s okay. One day, that smile will be real and unclouded by the past.

Thrive
Once you’ve reentered life and mastered the basics of surviving, it’s time for the advanced curriculum. These goals are the instruments that can elevate you to a new level of happiness and fulfillment. 

Connection
Divorce has a way of shrinking your world, pulling back on the strings that connect you to others. The first step in thriving is to grow your world again. Open your arms. Tear down your barriers. Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to love and be loved. I know for me this was the scariest step. Connection means forming new bonds that can be broken. And I remembered that pain all too well. Yet I wasn’t going to let the fear of heartbreak keep me in chains of my own making.

Passion
In my mind, thriving has always been linked with passion. It’s approaching life head-on with unbridled enthusiasm and spirit. It’s those moments and interests that pull you under and sweep you away. You can rekindle a former passion that you have let fall by the wayside or you can create a new one. In my former life, gardening was my passion; I would get lost in the palate of my plantings. My new life called for something new and I now paint with words rather than flowers. 

Creation
Divorce is the destruction of a marriage and what better way to counter that force that with that of creation. Everyone I encounter who is thriving after divorce works at creating beauty in the world. Some are artistic, creating portraits in pastels or words. Others seek to create havens for others to feel safe and secure. Some strive to change the divorce process, wanting to create a better experience for those who encounter the courts. And many strive to create the best life possible for their children. Regardless of your medium, let the tear-down of your marriage become the foundation for something new.

Service
The benefits of service are threefold: it reinforces your own gratitude, it helps you find peace with your past and it benefits others, spreading positive energy and interaction. Service can take many forms depending upon your gifts and strengths. Find a way to give back that is meaningful to you and helpful for others. There is no better way to feel fully alive than to help others live their best lives.

The road from survival to thriving isn’t a straight one. Some days you will experience great progress only to be pulled back to first step again. But the twists and turns become easier to navigate as you become familiar with the path. 

And before you know it, you’ll spy a sign:

Welcome to The Thriver’s Club. 

A place to celebrate life after loss.

A place to share our joys and triumphs.

A place to bring hope to those still trying to find their way.

In order to be a member, all you have to do is share one example of how you have been able to thrive after divorce.

It can small or grand. A sign of truly moving on or as fleeting as a moment where the sun broke through the clouds.

Don’t be shy; smiles are meant to be shared not hidden away.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/from-surviving-to-thriving_b_4794142.html