Monday, 16 September 2019

12 Inspiring Quotes From Celebrity Moms And Dads About Co-Parenting

“Our daughter is growing up seeing two people who care about each other.”

After separating or divorcing from their partners, many celebrity moms and dads keep in mind one important thing: the happiness of their kids.

In magazine interviews and television appearances, the co-parents of Hollywood have made it clear that the experience isn’t always simple and easy, but have also stressed that it is possible to remain a loving family after a separation or divorce.

Here are 12 quotes from celebrity moms and dads about co-parenting.

1 Drew Barrymore on co-parenting with Will Kopelman

“It really is about the tone you set. And you can talk until you’re blue in the face, but kids watch what you do every single day of your life, all day long, and that behavior and that example and that love and community and honesty is just, I think, what’s making everything feel safe for my kids and that’s really the intention I had as a parent.”

During a 2017 appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”

2 Kate Hudson on co-parenting with Matt Bellamy

“If Matt and I had a great relationship, we would still be together, but we chose to move on because we had different visions of how we wanted to live our lives. That doesn’t mean, though, that we can’t rebuild something that would be the best thing for the kids.”

In a 2015 interview with Allure

3 Jennifer Lopez on co-parenting with Marc Anthony

“Marc and I are very good friends, we’re very supportive. I feel it’s my responsibility as a mom when their dad is not there to let them know that their dad loves them very much because that’s the doubt that they have when he’s not around or they haven’t seen him. That’s my job to do that the same way it’s his job when he’s with them to say, ‘Mommy is working and she loves you.’”

During a 2014 appearance on “HuffPost Live”

4 Sienna Miller on co-parenting with Tom Sturridge

“[We] do bedtime every day. We felt like as much togetherness as possible would be ideal, and fortunately we really love each other and are best friends, and so that works.”

In a 2017 interview with Allure

5 Taye Diggs on co-parenting with Idina Menzel

“As people can imagine, it gets rough at times just because we’re not in the same city, but we still love each other and what’s most important is we love our son. That stabilizes us. I’m thankful for him.”

In a 2015 interview with “Entertainment Tonight”

6 Idina Menzel on co-parenting with Taye Diggs

“[Our son] comes first and you have to get past your own egos and you never talk bad about each other.”

In a 2016 interview with People

7 Angela Kinsey on co-parenting with Warren Lieberstein

“I’m really fortunate because my ex and I are very good friends and I talk to him every day. Our daughter is growing up seeing two people who care about each other. We may not be a traditional family on paper but we are a family and I tell her that families come in all shapes and sizes, but [a family is] love and I see her really flourishing because she sees two people treating each other with respect.”

During a 2013 appearance on “HuffPost Live”

8 Amber Rose on co-parenting with Wiz Khalifa

“I have pictures up of me and Wiz in [our son’s] room so he can always come in and see us being happy together. We try to have family days with him, even though we’re not together. Kids want to see their parents together and if you can’t be together in a relationship, you’ve got to come together as friends for your baby.”

In a 2017 interview with People

9 Miranda Kerr on co-parenting with Orlando Bloom

“We decided as a family it was the right decision for Flynn, so Orlando and I both relocated and we live five minutes from each other ... Everything revolves around my son and his welfare.”

In a 2015 interview with HELLO! Fashion Monthly

10 Nick Cannon on co-parenting with Mariah Carey

“We make the kids the number one priority, for them to see their parents together and for everybody to get along and have a great time.”

During a 2015 appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”

11 Gwyneth Paltrow on co-parenting with Chris Martin

“I think, unfortunately, even though we couldn’t stay in a romantic relationship, our values are very much around the importance of family and the importance of those relationships and I’m lucky that we’re aligned in that way. And it’s been hard, and you know, we’ve gone through really difficult times with it, but we’ve always said these children are our priority.”

During a 2015 appearance at the BlogHer15: Experts Among Us conference

12 Ryan Phillippe on co-parenting with Reese Witherspoon

“You have to get to that point as a divorced parent, as any parent, where you’re not putting yourself first. You want the kids’ experience to be its own and not like, ‘Well, I need to have my time!’ We have been very good about that.”

In a 2016 interview with “Entertainment Tonight”


Saturday, 14 September 2019

The First Step To Empowering Yourself After Divorce From A Narcissist

Divorce from a narcissist will keep you miserable, sleepless, panic-stricken, and crazy until you develop this crucial mindset:

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is a mindfulness principle. It means you accept reality, as painful as reality is at this moment. Your reality is that the narcissist in your life is fundamentally incapable of giving you what you need. Expecting otherwise will just cause you more suffering: not only is the narcissist psychically beating you up, but you are also beating your head against the wall.

If you’re divorcing or divorced from a narcissist, you may be unpleasantly surprised that your life feels more unmanageable than it did when you were married. Your ex has turned into a terrorist: he (or she) alleges that you’re an unfit parent; threatens litigation to get you to back down; tries to turn your kids against you; tries to get full custody (he may not even want it, but getting it would be the ultimate revenge); and creates all kinds of drama in an attempt to prevent you from getting what you thought divorce would bring you: the ability to move on with your life.

Does Radical Acceptance Mean I Give Up?

Yes and no. Yes, it means you give up the struggle to make reality different. No, it means you take back your power, which is the opposite of giving up. You may feel that your narcissist ex has you trapped, but you have much more freedom than you think. When you adopt a Radical Acceptance mindset, you will learn to:

1. Stop defending yourself.

2. Stop trying to get your ex to see your point-of-view.

3. Stop expecting your ex to compromise or mediate (mediation generally fails because narcissists lack empathy, reciprocity, and flexibility, all traits required for a successful mediation).

4. Stop expecting your ex to respect your boundaries, the court order, and your children’s right to have a healthy relationship with you.

5. Stop expecting your ex to act in the best interest of your children.

6. Stop expecting your ex to take even a smidgen of accountability for anything other than what goes right with the children.

7. Stop expecting your ex to “get over it.”

Once you stop expecting your narcissist ex to suddenly morph into a reasonable person, you will probably feel relieved. You will no longer waste energy trying to will reality to be different. You can then shift your intention to the positive things you can do.

1. Continue to set boundaries (even if your ex ignores them). Your ex doesn’t get to run your house. You don’t even need to let him in your house (this may require revising your court order, but it’s worth it). Explain to your ex that your kids will not be taking his calls during dinner time (hide the phones if you need to). Wait a day before responding to incendiary texts and emails. Parent your children the way you think is best, despite what your ex tells you to do.

2. Develop a policy for electronic communication. Counter cyber-bullying by limiting your ex’s access to you. Unless it’s an emergency, there is no need to respond to every histrionic email and text. Once a day should be sufficient. When you do reply, don’t hit “send” right away. Wait for your blood pressure to return to normal and then draft a brief response that focuses on facts and logistics. When you feel the urge to defend yourself or lash out in retaliation, disengage. Why are you getting riled up by someone who is, at least in relation to you, crazy?

3. Take regular divorce vacations. Implement a no-divorce zone in your life. Don’t do anything divorce-related — including texting or emailing your ex — after a certain time, say, 9 p.m. This will help you get a good night’s sleep. Don’t talk about your divorce 24/7 with your friends, especially if you want to keep them. When you catch yourself arguing with your ex in your head, first acknowledge that you’re ruminating, and then shift your focus to something that has nothing to do with him (or her).

4. Nurture your healthy relationships. It’s common to feel depressed and anxious when divorcing a narcissist. But don’t let these feelings consume you and cause you to isolate. The best antidote to depression is to stay connected to people who care about you. Good friends make you feel good about yourself, which will help put your ex’s opinion of you in perspective.

5. Practice self-care. Take whatever healthy steps you can to sleep and eat. Go to therapy. Take medication if you need to. Exercise. Eat small meals. If you get paid vacation and sick time at work, use it. Do something creative, which will shift your focus from Divorce Gloom to things that are life-affirming.

6. Have a sense of humor. It’s hard to get through life without a sense of humor. Read or watch something that makes you laugh. Hang out with friends who crack you up. Having a sense of humor won’t change your ex, but it will help you disengage from his antics.

7. Focus on what’s going well. No matter how bad things seem, there are people out there who have it worse. Keep a gratitude journal and write down one thing everyday that you’re grateful for. Writing down little things — a hot shower, ten fingers and ten toes, a comfortable bed — can be surprisingly powerful because you will begin to realize how much you have going for you, and how much you’ve been taking for granted.

Few of us, if any, dwell in Radical Acceptance 100% of the time. Cultivating that mindset is a daily practice. But over time, this mindset will give you what your ex never can: serenity, personal power, and the ability to enjoy life as it is today.

Friday, 13 September 2019

The Hardest Part of My Divorce Has Nothing to Do With My Marriage

Divorce isn’t for the weak. Hell, it isn’t even for the strong. You can think you’re prepared and ready, but it still won’t ready you for what’s to come. My own divorce has thrown me completely for a loop.

Before we decided on divorce, my ex-husband and I had always been extremely close, and that closeness extended into our relationships with our two children. Our weekends and evenings were usually always spent together. We loved being together as much as possible. 
We did everything as a family. But of all of the things that have been hard to navigate, spending the less time together with my kids has been the hardest part of my divorce.

In the beginning my ex-husband and I tried to still do family dinners and outings after our separation, but our differing schedules have made it difficult. Without a co-parent in the house, and living 20-30 minutes apart, we don’t get to spend time together as much anymore. This broke my heart. And then, when my kids would beg for more family time together with both their mom and their dad, it shattered what little was left of my heart into dozens of little pieces. I couldn’t give them what they were asking for, and neither could their dad.

In the months since our divorce, we’ve all adjusted to our new realities, but it doesn’t stop me from missing them on the days and nights I don’t have them. I find myself in their room cleaning it for them, making their beds, trying not to cry, overwhelmed by the sheer sum of my love for them. I can’t wait until I can pick them up from their dad’s or when he drops them off.

Some say it gets easier, others swear it never does. I cry every time they leave me. The fact that I am full-time working mom already made it so that I see my kids a very limited amount, but now, because of my divorce, there are days when I feel like I don’t see them at all.

I complain about how loud my children are — because they are so loud — but then the minute they’re out of my house, I miss the nonstop noise. I crave their little laughs and screeching high-pitched voices. When they’re with me, I look forward to bedtime, because I’m worn out and I just need a break, but the nights without them I just wish so badly I could tuck them in and have them ask me for more kisses.

This past week, my ex was on a trip, so every morning I woke up to them asking for breakfast. I complained, but secretly, I loved it so much. Every night we read together, cuddling in my bed, and on the last night before he came home, my son fell asleep next to me. I wanted that to last for the rest of the week, maybe even for the month. When their dad came, they were happy, but sad to leave me. It ripped me apart.

I often feel like a selfish parent. I left their dad, which means that their family unit operates in two different pieces because of me. On the night my partner came to pick them up after his trip, my son screamed for me as his dad buckled him in. I was gutted. This happens almost every time we do drop offs and pick ups. I watched my son’s face fall as he reached for me, only to be carried away by his dad.

What could I do but stand by and watch, blowing kisses and promising to see him soon? There’s nothing I can do to fix it, except make promises I might not be able to keep about going places and doing special things together when we’re back together. Reminding them that “I love you always” doesn’t make their pain go away. To be honest, it doesn’t make mine, either.

Before I got divorced, I had friends who asked me to promise that I wouldn’t “be one of those divorced parents who spoils their kids to make up for it.” I promised up and down that I wouldn’t, but I get it now. I understand the guilt. The sadness. Things don’t replace a parent, but I think it numbs pain. So we buy them things. We are trying so hard not to “spoil” them, not to give into their every demand, but it’s so difficult.

My parents fought constantly when I was growing up, but my world stayed in tact. I never needed things to replace a parent, nor did I know the searing hole a seat at the table might leave on me. I didn’t know what it was like to have my world flipped upside down. My children do. It’s not an excuse to give them whatever they demand, but I have a newfound compassion for children of divorce. The weight they have to carry, the adjusting they’re forced into, the pain of knowing one thing one day, and then having to live a whole new life the next. If my world feels out of orbit, I can only imagine what it’s like for my babies.

My daughter tries so hard to be brave when she says goodbye to me, but I see her drop her head as she drives away with her dad. The night we told them we were separating, she curled herself up in a corner of the bathroom, crying softly. We asked her if she was OK, to which she responded, “Yes, I’m just sad. I didn’t want to be that family that lived in two different houses. You both were supposed to stay together. I didn’t want Beck and I to be those kids who didn’t have both their mom and dad at home.” I think about that night often.

I don’t believe that parents should stay together for their children, because I believe that creates a very unhealthy living situation, and creates an idea that love looks like abuse and pain. Yet, divorce comes with its own challenges and growing pains — adjustments I’m still trying to adjust to.

Yes, on days without them I get my work done much faster, things stay clean longer, and I can sleep in. But the overwhelming sadness covers me the minute they leave and is my unwelcome and unwanted company until they return again. My heart really was never given the time to heal and mend itself; it breaks again and again with every goodbye.


Thursday, 12 September 2019

Social Media Linked to Infidelity, Divorce

While Facebook apparently experiments with our emotions from time to time, most of the psychological damage we incur by using social media is probably self-inflicted. As evidence for this claim, I would draw your attention to new research that shows Facebook use is correlated with a number of “bad outcomes” for married couples, including a greater likelihood of infidelity and divorce.

The study, titled “Social network sites, marriage well-being, and divorce: Survey and state-level evidence from the United States” and published in Computers in Human Behavior, found that Facebook use is a “positive, significant predictor of divorce rate and spousal troubles,” according to researchers at Boston University and the Pontifical Catholic University of Chile’s School of Communications. Specifically, “Results show that using SNS is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness, and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and thinking about divorce.”

In the first part of the study, the authors analyzed marriage and divorce data from 43 U.S. states from 2008-2010, then compared divorce rates with Facebook penetration over that period. Controlling for a range of economic, demographic, and psychological factors including employment status, age, and race, they found that every 20% increase in the number of Facebook users in a state was correlated to a 2.18% increase in the divorce rate for that state.

For the second part, the authors looked at data from a previous survey of 1,160 married individuals, ages 18-39 and including social media users and non-users, conducted by researchers at the University of Texas at Austin in 2011. Among other things the survey asked respondents whether they are happy in their relationship, if they had engaged in extramarital sex, and if they ever thought about getting divorced.

Overall respondents who didn’t use online social networks at all were 11.4% more likely to report being happy in their marriages than heavy users of social networks. Meanwhile heavy users were twice as likely to think about getting a divorce or leaving their spouse than non-users (32% versus 16%).

Boston University professor James E. Katz, who led the study, stated: “The apparent association between the use of Facebook and other social networking sites and divorce and marital unhappiness in the United States raises troubling questions not only about how we use these tools, but how their use affects marriage. The institution of marriage, already under siege in many quarters, seems to be facing yet further assault from people’s growing enthrallment with social media.”


Monday, 9 September 2019

A Friend in Need is a Friend in Deed - What Role Do Your Friends Play in Your Divorce?

We all need our friends, especially in times of crisis. Divorce and separation is one of those life crises where you might feel that you need all the friends you can get, or do you? It is interesting to think about what place friends occupy in the new and choppy waters of a painful separation.

Having run many divorce support groups and divorce workshops, I begin to wonder whether friends are always the helping hand and the shoulder to cry on that is needed. If they are, what is the price that is paid for that? It would seem that friends can be the opposite of what is expected simply adding to the feelings of disappointment. It is natural to think that those you thought were closest to you would jump to the occasion and provide all the comfort and security without being asked.

However, friends who you might have been on numerous holidays with as families or as a couple, or friends that you spent nights in the pub with, or Saturday nights having dinner with downing a bottle of wine and having a laugh sometimes seem to disappear. That feeling of taking for granted some very basic elements of security get whipped away at the same time as your relationship. It is incredibly painful to know that your friends are now inviting your ex and not you, and have perhaps ‘coupled up’ with your ex and his or her new partner instead of staying loyal to you. There are also friends for whom you are suddenly not the draw that you were before. I hear you say, that you are not invited anymore for dinner because you are not part of a couple and don’t fit, that somehow if you are female that you are a ‘threat’ to married men.

Then there are the friends who are real friends, but who you feel you are burdening with the looped tape of your divorce. You, of course, need to talk endlessly about your feelings and what your ex has done and continues to do, but your fear is that the friendship can’t sustain it. That’s when you need a local group or workshop or some individual sessions to support you so that you can be free to feel less burdensome of those around you that you love.

There are also friends who are full of wise advice. Is it wise though, or is it a reflection of their own agendas? It is impossible to hear someone close to you saying, ‘it’s time to move on, you should be over it by now, nobody liked him/her anyway. None of those things, although meant well are at all helpful. In fact, they are quite shocking. Those words put a distance between you and your friend who is not as understanding as you thought they were.

With separation come all sorts of changes and losses. Friendships are one of those. Lifestyle changes with divorce and so do friends. Don’t be surprised, be ready and think of it as a way of meeting new people more in keeping with your new life who will grow with you through it. They will be more relevant and fit better.

There is a loss inevitably, but there is also a gain.


Friday, 6 September 2019

6 Tips for Staying Healthy During a Divorce

Divorce. It’s a word right up there with death and taxes when it comes to conjuring up feelings up misery, pain, heartache, and stress. While more than 90% of Americans will marry by the age of fifty, according to the American Psychological Association, at least 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. As one of those statistics, I can confirm the experience of those who have gone through it — divorce sucks.

But divorce need not be viewed solely as an ending, but also as the start of a new beginning. After all, change is synonymous with opportunity. Still, divorce is one of the most challenging things you may be faced with in life. Make no mistake, divorce is a trauma, and the body and mind will need time and attention to heal. With that in mind, here are six tips for making the best of it in terms of staying healthy during and after a divorce.

1. Stay Sharp and Lean into the Pain

The one piece of advice I received more than anything in the months following my divorce was to “go have fun.” To me that sounded like I should party a lot and play the field. But I also received another piece of advice from someone who helped me through my divorce, which countered the “have fun” mantra. “You must lean into the pain,” she said. It sounded like something my boxing coach would say, so I took her up on it.

Not to toot my own horn, but I didn’t heed the “have fun” advice from my friends. Instead, I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol for a year following my divorce. Thankfully, alcohol wasn’t a factor in my failed marriage, but still I recognized that alcohol is a depressant, a dulling agent, and an escape, so I chose to abstain. What divorcees need more than anything is to face trauma, not avoid it. It’s tempting to dull and mask pain. But as bad as pain is in any manifestation (physical, mental, or emotional), there is only one way through it — meeting it head on.

2. Remember to Eat, and Eat Well

In stressful scenarios, people tend to do one of two things — they gain weight or they lose weight. You might think losing weight sounds good, but neither of these scenarios is good for you. Stress manifested in the body is a bad thing. Stress causes sickness and wreaks havoc on our lives.

Food, like exercise, is one of the critical nourishing agents in the body. But eating during a really stressful time is easier said than done. When your heart is broken sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is eating. Smoothies and juicing are great way to get your body lots of micronutrients and nourishment without the chore of having to muscle down food when you aren’t hungry. Try a blend of unsweetened nut milk, spinach, avocado, natural protein powder, and a cup of fruit.

3. Find a Mind-Body Practice That Works for You

I worked extensively with a counselor, or “spiritual advisor,” following my divorce. Part of that process was exploring different chakras and energy systems in the body, and delving into the connection between emotional and physical pain.

Another part of my mind-body practice during my divorce was training in the martial arts.One rainy Saturday shortly after my divorce, I went through a muay Thai testing and literally got the crap beat out of me. It was both grueling and cathartic. In a metaphorical way, it was comforting to know I could take the hits, get knocked down, and get back up.
Understandably, getting hit or rolling around on mats might not be your thing, so the martial arts are certainly not for everyone. Other great options for mind-body connectedness are yoga, tai chi, meditation, prayer, and even simply deep abdominal breathing.

4. Find a Release for Your Rage

Suppressed rage has been linked to everything from lower back pain to mass shootings. But in our politically correct culture, hitting things is not okay. Yet, we as humans are hard wired to be aggressive beings. Regardless of your opinion on whether humans should ever hit anything or anyone, one thing is for certain — rage needs a release. I know I’m not alone in this thought based on a recent news story I saw on the popularity of “rage rooms” where people pay to go in to padded rooms armed with baseball bats and destroy old computers, etc.

Again, activities like martial arts and boxing enable you to let out some aggressive anger while connecting to the internal art of finding breath and awareness. Even if it’s just putting boxing gloves on to hit a heavy bag or locking yourself in a room and screaming for a few minutes, you must find a way to release your rage — or it will come back to bite you and will inhibit your healing process.

5. Recover and Rest Well

I am a member at a sports recovery lounge where I sit in hot tubs, compression boots, and the sauna next to the likes of professional and competitive athletes. Those athletes continuously suffer physical traumas of every sort from micro muscle tears to significant physical injury. The thing about physical injury is that it has mental ramifications and vice versa. So during a time of emotional trauma, it’s important to help your body recover, as well.

In addition to the treatments you might find at a recovery lounge, other effective modalities include massage, acupuncture, and reiki. Of course, another element to recovering well is literally resting. Without question, sleep is essential for both physical and emotional recovery.

A word of caution: Be aware if you’re sleeping too much. While lack of sleep is linked to sickness and depression, so is too much sleep.

6. Exercise Frequently, But with Balance

Exercise is always listed near or at the top of the list when it comes to stress relief. But there can be too much of a good thing. Over exercising can become a literal manifestation of “running away” from your trauma. Nonetheless, exercising regularly post-divorce is critical. 

Again, think of your body symbolically. That is, when you are brokenhearted and physically stressed, what your body most needs is nourishment and to get strong again.

Think about hiring a trainer to push you to get stronger both literally and figuratively. Flexibility is also a must, so consider options like yoga and Pilates. Ultimately, exercise will help you to manage stress, sleep better, feel better, and even look better.

Your Healing Is a Balance and a Process

In the end, managing your way through a divorce is a balancing act. The blend and balance of healing your body, mind, and heart is part of the journey. Exercising is good, but watch for too much. Eating right is important, so make sure you get enough but not too much. 

Community and social support is vital, but so is your mindfulness and alone time.

A divorce is hard, but it, like any other trauma, can make you stronger and more resilient if you have the right game plan and the willingness to face it head on.


Thursday, 5 September 2019

Positive Outcomes of Divorce

Imagine that you’re preparing your husband’s favorite meal. He walks through the door at dinnertime and you greet him. Suddenly, and without any provocation at all, his mood changes. It’s as if a dark cloud has come over the room. Your mind starts racing back, you wonder what did you say, what did you do? This scenario plays out over and over again in some marriages and can diminish self-esteem, wear down emotional resource, and kill your soul.

Or maybe you’ve hit a wall in your marriage. You’ve been here several times before with your spouse, and you both feel at wits’ end. When marriages are untenable and there is nowhere else to go, in order to save your emotional and sometimes physical life, as well as secure the mental health and wellbeing of your children, sometimes the only place to go is “out.”
It is at this moment, when you decide to change your life, to advocate yourself and your children, that a visit to a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist is warranted.
Positive Outcome of Divorce #1: Self-Reflection and Self-Healing
With professional guidance you can discover what affected your choice of a mate and assure yourself that you will never make that mistake again. This self-reflection and self-healing is one of the most positive outcomes of divorce. By doing inner work, you can recognize and acknowledge your own patterns that led you to a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Then, if you can integrate back into your psyche those early patterns from your family of origin, you can redeem them and never have to repeat them again.
At this time of greatest trauma, your defenses are cracked open, and for the first time in a long time you are your natural self. This is the undefended healthy core of your existence, and it is from this place of your natural resource that you can heal, renew and experience rebirth. By experiencing your authentic self, you will automatically build your self-esteem, depression will lift, and you are able to move into a happier and healthier lifestyle.
When you first fall in love, you may project onto the beloved your ideal: the best of who you are, those rose-colored glasses of your imagination. This is what we call a projection. However, by suppressing who you really are — by going along to get along — you are using up vital energy just to hold down your feelings.
You will still be compelled to move towards those old patterns that worked for you within your original family. However, because you are now conscious and aware, you will see red flags everywhere, and you have the opportunity, therefore, to override those impulses that compel you to move towards the wrong relationship and as a result make room for the right one. In essence, you’re changing a habit, and as you grow and break your old habits, you allow yourself the opportunity to experience a different relationship with a new spouse. It’s important to remember that we are different with different people.
This is restoration, how you bring yourself back to your full potential — the you that you were meant to be. A healthy partner is the one who carries the positive characteristics of our opposite sex parent, and that’s when second marriages can become fulfilling and mutual. Even your physical health can be restored.
Positive Outcome #2: Better Health
Now we know that telomeres, the little rings around your chromosomes that fall off as you age, also fall off when you are stressed. Miraculously, they can be restored through healthy lifestyle changes. Therefore, by releasing yourself from an unhealthy partnership, you not only can become healthier mentally and physically, but also add years to your life through happiness.
Positive Outcome #3: Self-Confidence and Empowerment
The first feeling you experience at the onset of divorce can be fear of the unknown. However, by moving into your fullest capacity, the real you, as I describe above, this will automatically rebuild your self-esteem, your sense of self, your capacity for intimacy, your creative energy and allow you to take back the power you surrendered in a poor relationship. In my work as a researcher, educator and human behavior expert, I’ve witnessed that poor marriages are often based on possessiveness, lack of intimacy, need for space and distance and need for control.
Positive Outcome #4: Giving Your Children the Gift of Modeling Healthy Relationships
Finally, as difficult as the process of divorce can be on your children, it also allows them to watch you make human mistakes — and then grow from them. As you do your inner work and regain your true self, your children are watching, and they can learn the importance of valuing yourself. They also have the opportunity to learn how to properly behave and react should they find themselves in a similar situation down the road. And finally in the future, you can model, for your children, a true and healthy marriage.
The best relationships come out of strength, not weakness. When you are whole and know yourself, you will meet someone with whom you can be mutual. This is a marriage born of strength, not of lack. Once the negative and critical patterns of poor partnerships are released, you can expand into the undefended you. By rediscovering yourself, that inner you that you were before marriage, following your own rhythm of sleeping, being, staying home and going out, you act on your own behalf and by so doing find your own authority is empowered. This returns a sense of control, allowing you to grieve the past and embrace the future.