Tuesday, 23 October 2018

Divorcing parents could lose children if they try to turn them against partner

Measures being trialled to prevent ‘parental alienation’ feature penalties including permanent loss of contact with child

Divorcing parents could be denied contact with their children if they try to turn them against their former partner, under a “groundbreaking” process being trialled by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass).

The phenomenon where one parent poisons their child against the other is known as parental alienation, the ultimate aim of which is to persuade the child to permanently exclude that parent from their life.

Cafcass said it had recently realised parental alienation occured in significant numbers of the 125,000 cases it dealt with each year.

Sarah Parsons, the assistant director of Cafcass, said: “We are increasingly recognising that parental alienation is a feature in many of our cases and have realised that it’s absolutely vital that we take the initiative. Our new approach is groundbreaking.”

The new approach will initially give parents the chance to change their behaviour with the help of intense therapy. Alienating parents who do not respond will not be allowed to have their children live with them.

In addition, contact between the parent and child could be restricted or refused for a number of months. In the most extreme cases, the alienating parent will be permanently banned from any contact with their child.

Parental alienation is estimated to be present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children, a figure thought to be increasing. Other research has found that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.

UK judges are increasingly recognising the phenomenon. One wrote about a case where she was forced to transfer residence to re-establish a relationship between a child and an alienated parent. “I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful,” she said in her summary.

Parental alienation occurs on a spectrum from mild to extreme, all of which can be extremely damaging to the children involved. Experts admit they are only now beginning to understand the range of ways it manifests itself.

Parsons said: “We have reached a much clearer position on parental alienation recently, which we want to send a very clear, strong message about.

“The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.”

Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively when parents are separating or divorcing, particularly when legal action is involved. It is, however, different to the common acrimony between divorcing parents and is internationally recognised as a distinctive form of parental psychological abuse and family violence, undermining core principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN convention on the rights of the child.

In the US and Canada, “parenting coordinators” are ordered and supervised by courts to help restore relationships between parents and children identified as alienated. In Mexico and Brazil, alienating a child from a parent is a criminal act.

Until now, cases of parental alienation in the UK have relied on Cafcass caseworkers recognising incidents on a case-by-case basis. Many parents, however, say their experiences of alienation have been missed or compounded by the social work and family court system, often leading to permanent estrangement from their child.

From spring 2018, all frontline Cafcass caseworkers will be given a new set of guidelines called the high conflict pathway, which will itemise the steps social workers must take when dealing with cases of suspected alienation. The pathway will spell out exactly when children should be removed from the alienating parent and placed with the “target parent”.

The guidelines, which will also affect how cases are dealt with in family courts, were sent out at the beginning of this month to judges, lobby groups including Families Need Fathers, experts, doctors and lawyers for a three-month consultation.

Alongside the guidelines, Cafcass has developed a 12-week intense programme called positive parenting, designed to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position, and give them skills to break their patterns of behaviour.

A trial of it will start shortly, with 50 high-conflict families being sought across the country. After an evaluation in spring, the programme will be rolled out nationwide.

If it does not work, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts will be brought in. If the alienating parent continues to perpetuate the abuse, however, contact with their child will be limited to supervised visits.

In extreme cases, care proceedings will be initiated and the parent will lose contact with their child. “Our priority, however, is to preserve the relationship with both parents,” Parsons said.

Jerry Karlin, the chair and managing trustee of Families Need Fathers, said Cafcass’s new approach was “very welcome news”.

“The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life,” he said. “Parental alienation is identified as the single biggest issue among those who come to FNF seeking help.”

Case study – Robert (not his real name)
“I’ve lived through and witnessed the inexorable alienation of my older daughter over the past five years, which has culminated in complete loss of contact. I will not have seen or heard from her for three years this coming January. We had a fantastic, loving relationship for the first 12 years of her life.

“I know from what my younger daughter has told me that in numerous insidious and not so insidious ways, my ex-wife put an intolerable amount of stress on my eldest daughter. It eventually became too emotionally traumatic for her to see me. She eventually sent me a short email, saying she wanted to break off all contact with me. I’ve not heard from her since.

“The pain of being subject to parental alienation as a target parent is a truly soul-destroying thing to live through. In my darkest days, I can remember being out driving at night and thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t turn the wheel when I came to the bend with the high stone wall. This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.”

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass

Monday, 22 October 2018

What Divorced Parents Can Do To Stay Healthy & Optimistic

Being divorced isn’t easy on anyone in the family. It’s likely heartbreaking for all involved and will leave a scar for a long time. This is why it’s so important that you care for yourself and don’t let your wellbeing suffer in the process.

You deserve happiness too and should start realizing this fact today. Give yourself a chance to get back on your feet and then get out there and start meeting your goals one by one. There’s nothing wrong with being apprehensive about what the future holds, but you shouldn’t let it stop you from trying to create a better outlook for yourself.

Find Time for you
Put yourself at the top of your priority list. Even though you have kids, you have to come first during this very difficult time in your life. It’s a huge transition, and you shouldn’t feel bad for being anxious about what the days ahead hold for you. Be sure to exercise daily, eat right and go out and find work that you love doing. You’ll be a better person and parent when you make more time for yourself.

Don’t be Afraid to Date Again
You shouldn’t be afraid to start looking and dating if you’re ready. Get excited about the idea of finding love again. If you’re a guy who has recently found a new girlfriend then check out the site fun attic for cute names to call your girlfriend that she’ll just love. It’s healthy to express your feelings for another person in words and to build a stronger connection with the one you’re dating. Take it slow and remember to protect your heart, but also be open to new possibilities.

Attend to your Mind
During and after a divorce, your mind is probably going nuts. There are so many thoughts and opinions you have on the matter that it’s hard to manage it all. This is why you need to find activities like yoga, meditation and hiking that allow you to attend to your racing thoughts and clear your head. It’s necessary that you spend time working through what’s on your mind and acknowledging your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. If you’re anxious it’s likely because of what you’re thinking, so be smart about getting in front of the emotions before they take over.

Join A Support Group
There are a lot of divorced parents in the world. Don’t think for a second that you’re alone. You may feel like it at the time, but it’s not true. Join a divorce support group to prove yourself wrong and witness how many others are dealing with a similar situation as you. This group will give you a chance to express yourself and connect with others who can share in your pain and provide tips based on their own experience.

Don’t be ashamed if you’re a divorced parent. Look after yourself and get to a better place before you try to tackle other tasks. Practice behaviors that allow you to stay optimistic and see a brighter future for yourself.

Source: http://abcathome.com/wellness/what-divorced-parents-can-do-to-stay-healthy-optimistic/

Friday, 19 October 2018

Life Is Tough: Overcoming Hardship and Failure

Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower?

“When life gets tough, the tough get going.” This timeless proverb may be true for some but, for others, hardship can be too much to overcome. When the going gets tough, their life simply falls apart. What is it exactly that separates those who thrive regardless of adversity and those who don’t? Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower?

Consider that Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison before he became the first democratically elected president in South Africa. Abraham Lincoln failed in business, had a nervous breakdown, and was defeated eight times in elections before becoming president. 
A boy born to a teenage alcoholic prostitute and an absentee father found himself in trouble throughout his childhood, eventually growing up to be Charles Manson.

These examples are extreme, but they demonstrate the different routes people may choose when facing major obstacles. Some people turn to alcohol and drugs, stealing, or physical violence. Nearly 16,000 people drank themselves to death in 2010. Every year, more than 3 million children will witness domestic violence in their home. Conversely, many people have gone through hell and back and are moral, happy, and successful. As a youth violence and family trauma psychologist, it’s my job to find the turning point between the right path and the wrong one.

In my own life I dealt with hardship and failure. My family was poor. I had to cope with suicides, mental illness, and domestic violence; two of my family members died of alcoholism. My grandmother was a teacher and I thought I would follow in her footsteps. 
After attempting to go to school for teaching, I realized that I was not cut out for it. I felt like I had failed. When I was young, I tried to be a writer and was not successful. My first marriage was a failure, as was my first business. I was challenged significantly when I enrolled in my Ph.D. program at the age of 42 and my classmates were all 20 years younger.

And the story would not be complete without telling you that someone attempted to rape me when I was a young woman. I only told a few people. I cried and cried. I wanted to scrub the skin right off my body. Yet today, I can face my fears and am a big fan of “Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit.”

Despite all these trials, life marched on and turned out positive. I earned my Ph.D. I am a successful non-fiction writer and the author of two books that have sold well. I own my own practice, Eastern Shore Psychological Services, which has grown considerably and won numerous awards. And I am happily remarried to a loving husband, although I once told myself that I’d never marry again.

Why was I able to overcome the negative parts of my life when others from similar backgrounds have ended up addicted to substances or in jail? The simple answer is that I had enough protective factors in my life to outweigh my risk factors. For instance:

  • The neighborhood I grew up in was safe.
  • I was always supported by people who loved me.
  • I did well in school and had opportunities to succeed.
  • I had pro-social role models.
  • I received treatment for depression and PTSD.
  • There were many happy events in my life.
  • I kept going, one foot after the other, no matter what.

The Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention found that children who have more than five risk factors (learning problems, maltreatment, chaotic neighborhoods, etc.) and less than six protective factors (adult support, life skills, clear standards set by care givers, etc.) have an 80% chance of committing future violent acts. This means that, while we all face varying levels of hardship, there must be a counterbalance of positives in our lives so that we may continue to grow and succeed.

Looking back at my family members who struggled, I realize that they did not have the level of support and education about depression and alcoholism that I was fortunate to have. At two points in my life, I had problems controlling my anger, just like my father. But I gained support through education and friends, and I learned to deal with it effectively. Without these support systems, statistical research says that I would most likely have failed.

It’s true that some of our ability to deal with hardships and failure has to do with biological traits and genetics. Some of it may have to do with luck. But mostly it has to do with the environment and people around us. Our parents, siblings, peers, educators, and community all play a vital role in shaping who we become. Life is tough and we all have our own challenges to face. But we don’t have to face them alone. With a caring heart and encouraging hand, we can all play a role in supporting others through their greatest hardships.

Source:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-the-cycle/201308/life-is-tough-overcoming-hardship-and-failure-0

Thursday, 18 October 2018

5 Things You Need To Know About Happiness After Divorce

There’s no way around it: Your life is going to irrevocably change should you decide to go forward with your divorce.

How it changes is entirely up to you, though. Will splitting up be a springboard for a bold new start — or will divorce slow you down and make you feel like a lesser version of your former self?

On Monday, Redditors made a strong case for divorce as a catalyst for positive change, after a man on the cusp of separation came to the site’s divorce board looking for answers and advice.

“Is anyone out there happier a year after the divorce?” he asked. “Should I give [my wife a divorce] and enjoy what little time I will get with my children? Will I be happier without her in the long run?”

The divorced Redditors seemed to think so. Read five things divorcᅢᄅs on the thread admitted about happiness after divorce, then head to the comments and tell us if you’re happier a year (or years) after your split.

1. You’ll certainly have rough days every now and then, but sadness won’t be your norm for long.

“My one-year-after divorce [anniversary] is only two weeks away and I can’t remember a time in my life that I have been happier. I have more confidence, I have a sense of inner peace, I am free to pursue my dreams, old and new, and I have found myself able to live every day for my own joy and happiness. I still have days when the darkness creeps in and it hurts, but happy days far outweighed the [dark days].” -kintsukuroisparrow

2. If you reclaim your happiness, you’ll be a better parent.

“I divorced in October of 2012. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, ever. I’ve also got two kids, ages 8 and 12, and was staying in it for them. I’m a much happier person and as a result a better father. If you’re miserable, your kids pick up on it. ‘Staying in it for the kids’ is only making everyone, including the kids, miserable.” -vbfronkis

3. You might not be happy about being a divorcee, but you’ll be happier in general.

“Happy I’m divorced? No. Happy I’m divorced from her? HELL YES.” -2stroker

4. You’ll likely have happier relations with your ex.
“For me, personally, hell yes I am happier. My ex and I get along so much better. Our communication has increased tenfold. There are no more emotions tied to our communication which helps. The power struggle, the fighting over stupid stuff, and irritation related to seeing each other every day and sharing the same space is gone. We get along like old friends. Is it perfect? No. But we found a way to make it work.” -feelingfroggy123

5. You have to choose happiness after divorce.

“The thing with life during and after divorce, in my opinion, is that it is what you make of it. You choose whether you wallow in it or rise above it. You choose how much you carry with you on a daily basis. You choose if you learn and grow or keep looking behind you. No one else has that power, not the ex, not the attorneys, not your friends or family, you, and only you, get to decide that.” -kintsukuroisparrow

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/25/life-after-divorce_n_5029684.html

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

How to Become an Optimist: 3 Daily Habits To Help You Get Started

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Winston Churchill

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Maria Robinson

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Anais Nin

One of the most common questions people ask me via email is how to become more of an optimist.

So this week I’d simply like to share three habits that can help you to get started with that. I use these myself just about every day to stay optimistic in pretty much any situation.

It may sometimes take a while before I find an optimistic thread of thought but these three habits usually help me to do it.

1. Ask yourself questions that let you see the optimistic viewpoint.

When I’m in what seems like a negative situation my most common way of making something better out of that is to ask myself questions that promote optimism and helps me to find solutions.

Questions like:

  • What is one thing that is positive or good about this situation?
  • What is one thing I can learn from this situation?
  • What is one opportunity within this situation?

These questions are not something that I can always use right away. Sometimes I need some time to process and accept the feelings and thoughts that arise.

But after a bit of time, when those thoughts and feelings have mostly passed, I ask myself one or more of these questions.

2. Get optimistic support from the world around you.

One of the most important factors if you want to be able to stay optimistic are the influences around you. Optimism is – just like enthusiasm – contagious.

So find ways to create an environment that supports you.

  • The people in your life. Try to spend more time with optimistic people and less time with people who seem to always be negative about things. Positive people will support you, add upbeat energy and can help you to find a constructive change in perspective when you have a situation that is bringing you down and when you are just making a mountain out of a molehill.
  • The information you let into your mind. One of the simplest things you can do to create and support your own optimism is simply to regularly read blogs and books and listen to or watch recordings created by optimistic people.

3. Start your day in an optimism creating way.

The way you start your day often sets the tone for the rest of it.

A stress-free morning leads to less stress and better focus during your day.

A work out early in your day leads to more energy throughout the day.

And optimism while you are eating your cereal or traveling to work or school can help you to stay positive and constructive as you go through the ups and downs of your day.

Three practical ways to get this good start is to:

  • Read or watch something optimistic or funny for 10-20 minutes during your morning.
  • Have an uplifting conversation over breakfast or early in your day.
  • Listen to a motivating audiobook or podcast as you ride the bus, your bicycle or while you’re walking somewhere.

Source: https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-become-an-optimist/

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

The Happy Divorce

Is it unrealistic to think we can divorce and co-parent happily?

When Fran Drescher's new sitcom, Happily Divorced, debuted earlier this summer, I started noticing snippets and diatribes tisk-tisking Hollywood for sugarcoating the end of traditional marriages.

In her New York Times Magazine article, "The Divorce Delusion," Heather Havrilesky argues that the new cheery outlook on separation does audiences a disservice. "Stories of divorced couples peacefully co-parenting and becoming wonderful lifelong friends contribute to this expectation that, if we're not emotionally overachieving with a person who usually feels more like a mortal enemy than a soulmate, that means we're petty, unenlightened thugs of the lowest order," she says.

I'm usually the first to complain about Hollywood's unrealistic depictions of family life, but in a world where I still hear feminists talking about "failed marriages" and "broken homes" versus "intact families"--as if there is something intrinsically wrong with non-nuclear set-ups, well, I think there's something refreshing about the new sugarcoat.

The happy divorce might not be everyone's experience, but it's no delusion.

Conventional wisdom tells us we'll only be happier after a divorce if the marriage itself was a war zone. So I was surprised the other day to hear a friend admit that she'd (happily) left a spouse of 20 years simply because "I don't want to be married."

Wow, I thought. You can still do that?

She described her husband as good and supportive, but "we lacked a certain emotional and sexual connection."

Researchers warn us against walking out on married life without a dang good reason. A recent German study found that the level of life satisfaction among divorced adults didn't recover to pre-divorce levels even six years after the divorce. (Although this could be a better argument for never getting married in the first place.)

And a 2003 American study found that unhappily married folks were no happier after their divorce.

But many women beg to differ. And happiness studies aren't about averages--they're about exceptions. How do some of us manage move on gracefully? What makes some of us resilient? And how can the rest of us cultivate that resilience?

The reasons for a divorce can certainly soften the emotional blow. If one partner is gay, for example, as is the premise of Happily Divorced, well, "that's a get out of jail free card," says Candace Walsh, editor of the anthology Ask Me About My Divorce: Women Open up About Moving On.

But even when no one's coming out of the closet, she says, "the idea that you're unhappier after divorce is outdated, old-paradigm thinking. In my experience, staying in a marriage that my ex and I both agreed had all its best moments behind it was epically depressing. I and many of the women in my book talk about this immense sense of lightness and liberation which came with ending their marriages and starting fresh."

Contributor Samantha Waltz agrees. "I was much happier after my divorce," she says. "My husband had been very controlling and I literally felt like I'd been let out of prison. Colors were brighter, sounds sharper. My depression lifted. He was extremely critical of the children as well, and their self-confidence visibly grew when they no longer lived with him. My ex has worked hard to rebuild his relationship with them and be more accepting of them. That wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in the marriage."

That's not to say the transition is easy.

"I was in a difficult marriage, full of counseling and struggle, so in a way, my divorce was a relief just by virtue of being something different," says blogger Kristin Tennant. "But that doesn't mean I was immediately happy. There's a lot of destruction that has to take place before any reconstruction can begin, and that takes time and work."

Happily Divorced, it turns out, is based on Fran Drescher's real-life relationship with her gay ex. So maybe in real life the couple didn't continue living together, and maybe they went through a long period of anger and estrangement before they started sharing advice about boyfriends. But Drescher insists the two really are soulmates again--just a new kind of soulmates.

As Candace's father told her when she was in the midst of her own divorce: "The year after my divorce from your mother was the unhappiest year of my life. But the years that came after that have been the happiest years of my life."

The key to bouncing back?

"Move on," Candace says. "If you stay in the energy of the marriage or the divorce, you'll be less happy than if you allow it to get on with the next chapter of your life in a conscious, optimistic way. How? Seek out new experiences that will lead to new adventures. And make sure to prioritize therapy, exercise, and lots of good venting sessions with safe people who have gone through the same thing."

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-and-happiness/201107/the-happy-divorce-0

Monday, 15 October 2018

Becoming an Optimist

How to turn away from the dark side.

I have always been a bit of a pessimist. I generally expected the worst and and didn’t trust it when something good happened. In my early twenties I met two people who changed my life, both of whom were optimists. These people wore rose-colored glasses, saw hope and promise in every situation, and seemed to generally feel happy. Given my negative nature, I immediately saw the flaws in this approach to life: they will be disappointed and hurt frequently and they will overlook their own mistakes. But in time, I grew to respect them and envy their sunny and positive approach towards life. I wished I could be like that but I didn’t know how to become that way.

It took a lot of work and required almost constant vigilance on my part. I would quickly find fault in something and then need to search for the good aspects of a situation to negate my own negativity. I often had to ask myself what they would do or say in the situation—how they could possibly make lemonade out of the rotten lemons that were all that I saw. It felt wrong and stupidly positive sometimes to find the good in a situation when I saw only the dark and negative side of it. But with time, I noticed that it became second nature to see both the good and the bad in a situation and I was surprised by how freeing it was.

I was also surprised by how much I needed to be able to see both my own good and bad characteristics—how important it was for me to be able to recognize that there are things that I am good at rather than to excuse those things as being “just luck” or something that “anyone could do.” Even now, as I type those words, they cause a certain amount of anxiety for me—to say that I am good at something for fear or disappointing myself or others, but it also feels strangely exhilarating. I also realized that others need to hear positive feedback and the importance of balancing the good with the bad when giving students feedback, when helping someone through a tough time, or when trying to make sense of the bad things that have happened in life.

Don’t get me wrong, at times I still dip down into pessimism and find it hard to dig my way out. I have not entirely changed my “dark side” and it still rears its ugly head at times. But more often than not, I can see hope in difficult situations and if all else fails, comfort myself with the idea that things usually work out in the end even if they haven’t gone the way that I planned them to. The most surprising thing is that although I clung to my negativity for dear life and thought that it provided protection, I find that I need protection less than I thought that I did and that the optimism somehow “fits” better than negativity did.

So how does one become an optimist? We always say that an old dog can’t learn new tricks, but clearly that saying was coined by a pessimist!

1) Notice your negativity. Listen to what you say and how negative it is. Track your thoughts on a daily basis and notice the negative assumptions and conclusions that you draw. Identification of your negativity is essential to change.

2) When find yourself saying something negative, think of something positive to say even if it doesn’t “ring true” to you at the moment. If you are habitually negative, seeing the sunny side is going to feel false and Pollyannaish at first. That is okay. You can’t expect to change overnight.

3) If you identify a negative thought, write it down. Next to it, draw a column for the evidence supporting that thought. Then draw a column for the evidence that argues against the thought. You will be great at identifying evidence supporting the negative thought and struggle with the evidence against the negative thought but with practice this will come easier.

4) Search for positive aspects of situations. Your team lost the Superbowl this year, but at least you got to watch the game with your friends and had some delicious food. You lost your job but this gives you the opportunity to find a better job and you wouldn’t have taken that opportunity otherwise. Most situations can be seen in both a positive and negative light. You just have to find the positive one and keep reminding yourself of it in order to eventually believe it.

5) Think of someone you know who has a positive outlook on life and ask yourself what that person would do or think in particular situations.
Then try to think that way too. This is a way of using others’ optimism to internalize it and make it a part of you.

6) Give others positive feedback. Even if someone has done something poorly, there has to be some aspect of it that is good. If you can find this, your view of the product will be more positive and the other person may feel encouraged to continue.

7) Give yourself positive feedback and notice when you discount it by saying that “anyone could have done this,” “it really wasn’t anything special,” “it’s only because I got lucky/worked hard.” These are excuses that you use to push off the positive feedback, usually because pessimists feel uncomfortable with good things and often fear disappointing others by acknowledging their own strengths. Deal with the anxiety and just say thank you if someone (including yourself) gives you positive feedback.

8) Identify the purpose of the pessimism. Does it provide protection against disappointment? Does it help you not to get hurt? Do you think that it helps you to plan for possible challenges? We often think that pessimism and worry are helpful but this is not true and we would handle the disappointment, hurt, and challenges even better if we were not bogged down by anxiety and negativity. Run some experiments to see whether the negativity is truly serving its purpose? Do you never get disappointed or hurt? Are you always prepared for challenges? If the answer to these questions is “no” that means that the negativity and worry are not working for you. It does not mean that you need to become more negative or worry more. Trust me on this one.

9) Take the risk of being positive and see how it feels. Try it on like you would try on a new pair of shoes. And just like new shoes, it may need some breaking in to really fit. But with time, optimism will start to fit like a glove.

10) Practice, practice, practice.
It has taken me years of work on this and I still sometimes dip into pessimism. It took you a long time to learn negativity and will take you a long time to learn optimism.

With time and practice, you will notice that you can teach an old dog new tricks and that the old dog may become a little less anxious, depressed, and grouchy and a bit more warm and sunny over time. And who doesn’t like a happy dog?

Source:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-worry-mom/201204/becoming-optimist