Confronting one of my fears and moving forward with action!

Taking some of my own advice from my last video message, I thought I'd better confront one of my own minor fears and get back on the bike after a winter off; fear of failure (thanks to the lost fitness) and fear of success (if it went well I'd have to do it more regularly!) were both at play! Fortunately all was well in the end!


Hope you're having a great weekend!

When Hardship Hits: Ask Not, ‘Why Me ?!’ Ask, ‘Why Not Me?!’

“The sooner you say ‘Yes, it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it,’ the sooner you can get on with your own life.”
— E. Annie Proulx, The Shipping News

We all accept, in principal, that life is hard and that “sh*t happens.” We just don’t want it to happen to us. When it does, we protest indignantly, “Why me?!” We harbor an unexamined presumption that misfortune should somehow bypass us. We should be encased in our own individualized iron domes to deflect incoming life assaults.

But why the heck not us? We all agree, in the abstract, that a life devoid of struggle is a life devoid of growth. An old Arabian proverb states: “All sunshine makes the desert.” Think of the people you respect and admire the most in your life: Haven’t they had tough times and life blows to overcome?

The question is not how to avoid life assaults but how to receive them when they hit. The answer lies in how we choose to think about these hardships, because how we think about life events determines how we feel about them, which, in turn, determines how adaptively we cope with them. Only in this way can we control the impact of life’s uncontrollable assaults. Can we accept life’s upheavals and soldier through them (which is not to say to masochistically welcome them!), or must we expend precious energies protesting them as unfair?

One of my dear friends, a source of constant inspiration to me, suffered three profound losses in a single year: her son who was in a grisly factory accident, her beloved dog who was hit by a car, and her husband who dropped dead of a heart attack. She was remarkably courageous in the way she accepted these losses. She was, of course, beset by shocked grief at first, but then proceeded to mourn and honor their lost lives without bitter protest. With gratitude, she spoke of the happiness they each brought into her life; with tender amusement, she recalled their idiosyncrasies. And with robust open-heartedness, she goes on growing and living her life.

In contrast, a patient whom I’ll call “Ellen,” was pathologically locked for two years in mourning the death of her husband. Daily, she railed against God for robbing her of his companionship. She grew embittered and calcified, refusing to grow into the hole he left behind by doing for herself what her husband had always done, e.g., arranging their social life, paying bills, servicing the car. She had seized up like a rusted hinge, immovable in her refusal to accept and adapt to her life’s upheaval. What emerged was that even more powerful than her grief in losing her husband was her fear of having to learn self-reliance after decades of living life as a “we” instead of a “me.” Her pathological mourning and helplessness kept other family members fulfilling the role vacated by her husband — but at the cost of her own growth and her family’s equanimity.

Paradoxically, there is strength and wisdom in submitting to harsh realities. The fact is, we are more productive when we direct all our energies to embracing rather than resisting “what is.” Why? Because when we protest, we squander precious energy needed for coping, like driving with one foot on the brake. When we relax, release and open fully to the realities confronting us, we can be far more creatively resourceful than when we recoil from “what is” with clenched fearfulness. 

We can choose to think flexibly and adaptively, rather than rigidly and maladaptively, by redefining painful life blows as opportunities to evolve. Suffering is what grows the soul. Suffering is the “rock-tumbler” of life, within which the nuggets of our battered selves get polished into our highest and best selves.

“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.
The gem cannot be polished without friction.” — Danish proverb

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-rasmussen/overcoming-hardship_b_2294349.html

Staying Focussed and Dealing with Overwhelm

In this video I share my thoughts on how to deal with overwhelm and how to maintain focus when working through divorce (and in life!)


Thanks and I welcome your feedback and comments here or in YouTube!

How To Start Dating After Divorce

Going through a divorce is one of the most painful, stressful experiences that you will ever have. Much like grieving the loss of a loved one, getting a divorce can often feel like a death, as it severs not on a relationship, but family connections and the love that you once thought would last forever. And while the process is stressful (and expensive), once the paperwork is officially signed, you're challenged with the task of building your life again. From figuring out how you'll spend your solo time to making new life goals for yourself, who you become post-divorce is often a better version of who you were in an unhappy marriage.

After some time has passed, you might even start to consider dating again, only to quickly realize that it's not quite how it used to be. "For many, the hardest part of dating post-divorce is understanding the current way of dating. For someone who hasn't dated in over 20 years, the times have changed and so has societal norms. This can be very stressful for someone back on the dating scene. However, it's a good opportunity to have conversations with friends who are also dating and learn new ideas or approaches to dating," sex and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST says.

If you find yourself interested in getting back into the game and putting yourself out there, let these relationship experts share their helpful insights to give you a fighting chance of moving on and truly finding love again. Perhaps even a love that will really last a lifetime:

How Long Should You Wait?

You probably won't be scheduling a Tinder date for the evening your divorce papers were finalized. And depending on how intense or exhausting, emotionally and physically, your divorce was, it may be several months until you're in the mood to meet a new person. It's OK to give yourself as much time as you need because you not only want to be ready to welcome a new person into your life, but you want to also heal from those deep wounds caused by your divorce.

"There is no specific rule with dating and divorcing. Dating is not only a way to find a partner or future spouse but is also a way for men to connect with women or create a social group. In my practice, I do encourage all clients to take time off from serious dating or jumping into a new relationship immediately after ending a marriage and allow time for them to focus on self-growth including how they want their next relationship to be different than the last or any former relationships," Geter says. "On the other hand, I also encourage men to be social with others, which may include casual dating. I do encourage men to be upfront with dating partners about their relationship status and their intentions for the present moment."

Signs You're Ready

As much as you might be craving affection in the immediate aftermath of the divorce, now's not a great time to start dating. No one wants to go on a date with a guy who spontaneously cries on a first date, one who drinks too much or one that talks endlessly about his ex-wife. When you're finally inching toward being ready to date, you'll start to shift both your mentality and your expectations, paving the way for you to be a good date to a prospective partner. Here, relationship experts share the subtle signs that you're ready to mingle:

You're Actually Interested In Dating

If your relationship ended because she cheated or you slowly started falling out of love with one another, the period after a divorce is often one that's marked with extreme sadness. And when you're feeling down? You probably aren't even thinking about dating and you likely don't notice other attractive women who express an interest in you. But when you've moved on? The world will light up in color again, and it could feel a lot like spring.

"One sign a man is ready for serious dating post divorce is showing interest in women and dating. For some, a divorce can be a loss and trigger grief or short term depression. Part of depression is the loss of interest in pleasurable activities including dating or socializing. Therefore, when the depression or grief subsides, interest in activities or socializing will return. This may be a great opportunity to move from casual dating into more serious dating if that is the man's prerogative," Geter shares.

You Have A Good Attitude

Way back before you were married, can you think of any of the bad dates that you went on? While some were lackluster because you weren't attracted to your date, others were negative experiences because the girl was just no-fun to be around. When you're trying to determine if you're prepared to get back out there, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., relationship expert and author says to take a look in the mirror and consider what type of date you'd be for a new woman. If you're going to be cranky and upset the whole time, that's no way to begin a new relationship. But if you're curious and light hearted? That's recipe for a great first date. "A man is ready to date again when he has a good attitude about dating. When he's ready to have some fun and get out there and meet new people and be open. Dating with a bad attitude will only result in bad dates," she shares.

You've Processed Your Relationship

There's never just one person to blame for the end of a marriage, and for some, that can be a tough pill to swallow. Since relationship are push-and-pull, ebb-and-flow, yes-and-no, it's important to digest what happened in your previous marriage and truly process every feeling you have. A healthy place to do this is in therapy, where an expert can help you navigate your emotions, overcome anger and let go of resentment and pain.

"A man may be ready for dating when he has gained insight into patterns in previous relationships, and he can talk about these patterns including how they contributed to the dissolution of the relationship. Blaming someone else for negative situations is much easier than taking responsibility for how our actions impacted the situation," Geter explains. "When a male client can discuss how his behaviors impacted the marriage and show empathy toward the ex-spouse and relationship, this is a good sign he can approach new relationships in a different manner and understand reasons the prior relationships ended."

How To Get Started

So now that you've done the tough work to prepare yourself to meet someone new... where do you meet her? Looking out into the vastness of the dating pool, carrying your baggage in tow can be super-daunting. And while it might be difficult at first, remember that you've got this."Getting back in the dating scene can be difficult if the man was in a long-term marriage, because dating has probably changed quite a bit since he was single. It can be intimidating all of the new technology, dating sites and how to ask someone out again," Michael says. "But with time, it'll get easier — and even fun!"

Here's where to begin your search for a new love:

Give Online Dating A Shot

Though you probably don't want to download every online dating appimaginable, signing up for an online dating membership is a low-key way to dip your toe into dating. "Online dating can be tricky but it certainly is an avenue where you can meet people as well as make new friends. Find a dating site that is right for you and try it out one at a time and see how it goes," Michael says. With this type of dating, you don't want to set your expectations too high because you'll likely have to weed out several duds before finding someone who could be your match. You also want to be mindful of not chatting endlessly, but actually going out on dates, too.

AskMen Recommends: If you're not sure where to get started when it comes to online dating (depending on how long your marriage lasted, it might not even have existed last time you were on the market), AskMen's Online Dating Hub is a great place to figure out which sites or apps are most likely to help you find what you're looking for.

If you're just looking for the most popular sites to get the most bang for your buck, consider options like Match.com and Zoosk — or XMatch and FriendFinder-X if you're looking for a sexy fling more than a relationship.

Join An Activity Group

If your ex-wife was never into running and wouldn't go out on a Saturday morning with you to exercise, consider this: now you can meet someone who will. Or, if it bothered you that your ex-wife wasn't interested in traveling, you can be rest assured that you can find another woman who will collect passport stamps with you. The only hurdle in your way is getting out there and finding people who share your same interests. "A great way is to join a meetup group and go hiking or an activity he enjoys doing. This will get him out of the house and he can meet new people and that can lead to dating slowly. Join a club or group meeting and get involved in something that moves you inspires you and you have fun doing and meet people that way," Michael says.

Get Help From Friends

Now that you're available, tell people! One of the best ways to meet a partner is through a recommendation. "A way to ease into dating, is to let your friends know you're back on the dating scene and interested in meeting single women. Ask them to introduce you at parties or social gatherings where it may be more comfortable than a blind date. If you and the woman don't hit it off, then there are other people to hang out with instead of having to sit through the rest of an uncomfortable date," Geter says.

Source: https://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/46_dating_tips.html

When things are going well - Keep on going!

Even in times of adversity, like working through divorce, there are times when things are actually going pretty well! At times like these it's important not to let your own fears or limiting beliefs convince you that this is just luck, or that it's temporary.

It's also important not to allow others to take this away from you; they may want to prepare you for the fact that things could take a turn for the worse, or they might be acting out of jealousy or a sub-conscious desire to see you fail.

Don't listen to them (or to yourself)! When things are going well, enjoy it, celebrate it and feel grateful for it! 

When things are going well, capitalise on it, double-down on it... work harder and expect even more! 

The future is yours to control and influence!

Time Management Tips For Real Divorce Recovery

Life is crazy enough without having to deal with divorce recovery. Learn how to make it easier.

When I got divorced in 2002, I thought that after the decree was signed by the judge everything would be better. I'd somehow magically be over all of the pain, fear, anger and disorganization that seemed to have overtaken my life. But, as you've probably guessed, the divorce decree wasn’t quite the magic wand I was hoping for.

It took me more than a year to really get myself feeling good again. There were just so many changes in my life and I didn't have a great way for absorbing all them, given the demands of a life I was already dealing with. I wound up procrastinating instead of doing things. My house was a wreck. I hardly had any food in the kitchen, but that didn't matter because I didn't eat much. My health was deteriorating. I was hardly sleeping. I think I was running on adrenaline, caffeine, sugar and not much else. Bottom line: I was exhausted and falling behind on everything.

I found my way out of the mess divorce created in my life, but it wasn't a simple task. I had to decide what was really important to me. I had to change the way I did things. And I had to change the way I thought about things.

It wasn't until I found my way out of the mess that I was able to look back at where I'd been and realized that there's a big piece of divorce that no one talks about. Real divorce recovery requires that you change how you live your life, that you examine your priorities, and that you do things you might never have done before or you become comfortable with letting some things go. This piece of divorce recovery that no one talks about is what I call The Functional Divorce because how you function and simply just are in the world changes when you get divorced.

One of the most important pieces of The Functional Divorce is developing a time management system that works for you. Yes, time management. When you're going through divorce it's so easy to lose track of time to the rollercoaster ride of unpredictable emotions — shock, denial, grief, anger, loneliness, etc. Heck, the emotional ride is exhausting, but in the midst of all of this turmoil there are certain things that must be done. You've got to continue working, caring for the kids, caring for the pets, caring for your aging parents, and caring for your home to name just a few. On top of all that you've got to deal with the legal process of divorce which is probably unfamiliar to you AND you've got to figure out how to do all of the things that your former spouse used to do. You might now need to deal with car repairs, keeping up with the kids' schedules, making meals, finding a new place to live, selling your home, moving… Your life was full before the divorce and now you've got even more stuff heaped on your overflowing plate of responsibilities and which just adds to your overall sense of exhaustion.

By carefully managing your time, you’ll be able to more easily navigate all the tasks and emotions of divorce, and more quickly achieve real divorce recovery — which means you’ll be able to get on to living the best of your life sooner.

Yes, it's simple to say that time management is one of the necessities of real divorce recovery. But adding one more task, to figure out time management, probably doesn't seem to be exactly what you need right now. So, to help you develop your system, here are the top 5 time management tips for real divorce recovery that I used for myself, and that I teach my clients.

Time management tip #1: Make friends with your timer. One of the realities of divorce is the need to do things you don't want to do, or even feel energetic enough to start. This is where using a timer is one of the best time management tips I can give you. Make an agreement with yourself that you can handle anything for just 15 minutes (or 10 or even 5 if that's all you can handle). Set your timer and then laser focus on getting that one task done. The task can be anything: putting together information your attorney has asked for. It can be allowing yourself to cry. It can even be researching where to buy tires or putting together a grocery list. Giving yourself the gift of this time to focus on just one task at a time is one of the most effective ways to get through your functional divorce and experience real divorce recovery.

Besides getting things done, there are other benefits to using your timer. Setting a timer eliminates the need for you to watch the clock which will allow you to focus completely on your task. As soon as the timer rings, you can then choose to continue working on the task or stop and congratulate yourself for moving things forward. As you make better friends with your timer, an amazing thing starts to happen. You'll start to feel a sense of accomplishment. When you feel better about what you’re getting done, you'll actually start to feel better about yourself too! How's that for a reason to make friends with your timer?

Time management tip #2: It's oh-so-easy to spend time doing things that may not be the most important things to get done. So prioritizing what needs to be done is the second of my best time management tips. One of the ways I'll often teach this tip is by asking people to think about each task on two different scales. The first scale is Urgent vs. Not Urgent. To determine the urgency of a task you can ask yourself questions like: What is the deadline for this task? Is life or limb at risk? The second scale is Important vs. Not Important. To determine the importance of a task you can ask yourself questions like: What impact will completing this task have 10 years from now? What impact will completing this task have 1 year from now? What impact will completing this task have 1 month from now? What impact will completing this task have 1 week from now? What impact will completing this task have one 1 day from now. What impact will completing this task have 1 hour from now?

The key to this method of prioritization is to focus on the tasks that rank highest on both the urgent and important scales first. Using this method for prioritizing all of your tasks might seem daunting at first, but it might also be a great thing to share with your new friend the timer!

Time management tip #3: Just because a task has both a high urgency and is greatly important doesn't necessarily mean that you're the one who should be doing it. The third of my time management tips is Do, Delegate or Dump. If you're the only person that can do the task, then you're stuck with it. It's time to roll up your sleeves, set your timer and get it done. Generally speaking, if the task is something that you can ask someone to do and have confidence that they’ll do it at least 80 percent as effectively as you can do it, or it's something that you just don't have the expertise for, then it's a great candidate for delegating. Some of the tasks that make perfect sense to delegate are drafting your divorce decree, changing the tires on your car, making the kids' beds, and cleaning the house. If the task is something that is lower priority and is both non-urgent and not very important, then it's probably a task that can be dumped and not given another thought.

Time management tip #4: For the tasks that still need to be done either by you or someone else, it's important to be clear about exactly what the task is and expectations. That's why the fourth of my time management tips is to define the details.

Have you ever agreed to do something, completed it to the best of your ability and then been told you've done it all wrong? Or worse, you've counted on someone to do something for you and the result isn’t anything like what you expected? I've been in both of these situations more than once and neither one feels good. What I've learned is that the best way to prevent things like this from happening is to define the details of the task as completely as you can. This is true even for tasks that you assign to yourself because there's a difference between obsessively perfect and perfect for this particular circumstance.

Time management tip #5: This tip could actually be the most important, but I've saved it for last because it often requires tips 1, 2 and 3 to do it well. The fifth of my time management tips is to schedule time every day to take care of you. Although it may not seem to be urgent at first, I assure you that taking care of you is both highly urgent and highly important. Divorce is stressful, demanding and exhausting for most people. In order to get through it and make sure you're functioning at your best, you must take care of you.

Taking care of you doesn’t have to take a lot of time. It can be as little as five minutes (this is where tip #1 comes in handy) where you are just focused on nurturing you. You might take a walk, you might dance to your favorite song, or you just might lock yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes of alone time. Whatever you choose to do, the goal is to take care of yourself so you feel energized enough to get back to the rest of your task list.

My top 5 time management tips for real divorce recovery are just the starting point. They're tips you can test and adapt to work best for you because time management truly is one of the keys to successfully recover from your divorce and get on to living the best of your life.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

• Download a time app for your phone. Using a timer is one of the time management tips that I still use today. I find that it allows me to completely focus on one task without having a nagging fear that I might work on it too long. Or, for those tasks that I just don't really want to do — like doing my bookkeeping — I know that there is a defined stopping point. I’ll bet you’ll like getting to know your timer too!
• Set your timer for 15 minutes and make a list of everything you need to get done along with any due dates. I think you just might be surprised at how much less overwhelmed you will feel once you get all of your tasks written down. The pressure of needing to remember everything is gone and we both know how difficult it can be to remember things when you're already feeling overwhelmed by the divorce.
• Tomorrow, take your list back out, set your timer again for 15 minutes and prioritize your task list. I suggest waiting until tomorrow just in case you had to push really hard to complete the list in the first place. If creating your list wasn't a HUGE task for you to get done, go ahead and prioritize your list now.
• When you're ready, it's time to determine which tasks to do, to delegate and to dump. Again, setting the timer can be extremely helpful in getting this division of the tasks done.
• For the highest priority to do and to delegate tasks, define the details. Doing this will help you figure out how much time to devote to each task and to get a realistic estimate to complete the tasks.
• Take a break and take care of you. I find that one of the best ways to celebrate completing any task is to celebrate. What better celebration than to celebrate you and nurture yourself for a little bit.

Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/179-time-management-tips-for-real-divorce-recovery

When a major change or decision seems too scary.

I was just listening to a podcast and heard something really significant, momentous even, and I wanted to share it with you as I think it summarises the challenge we all face in many aspects of life from time to time, whether:

• Tackling a project at work;
• Taking control of our diet or exercise;
• Wanting to contribute and make a difference to larger scale problems in the world;
• Setting out to thrive and build a new life after divorce.

The challenge? It is all far too big and scary when viewed as a whole.

The tip, whilst simple, easy to understand and probably something that we have all heard many times in many different forms, really made sense to me today…

“When you find something too big and scary and the very thought of it is paralysing you into inaction, or fear, ratchet the challenge back until you reach a level you’re comfortable with and act on that.”

Simple, right?

In the context of the examples above, our challenge may then be ‘ratcheted back’ to:

Focussing upon what progress we can make against our project today (or this morning, or this hour) rather than wondering how we’ll ever finish the whole thing.

Focussing on eating a healthy breakfast, or building a half hour walk into our day, rather than worrying about each and every meal being healthy or beating ourselves up for not being at the gym each and every evening.

Donating just £1 or $1 to a cause that resonates with us rather than getting demoralised about the plight of those far less fortunate than us.

In the context of setting out to thrive after divorce or separation, this could be as simple as making a choice today to:

• Create an online dating profile and get back into the world of dating
• Setting up a new bank account to start saving for a vacation or to invest in some education for yourself
• Starting to read a book you’d bought but have been delaying reading
• Focussing some time and attention on yourself by taking yourself out for a coffee or catching up with a friend
• Opening a debate with your ex that is proactively focussed on the future (such as to float some ideas for how you wish to raise your kids after divorce) rather than rehashing events of the past.

It really depends on where you find yourself on the journey but whichever you choose, each of these steps may help to break down the size and scale of the challenge you face, and by reducing the fear you will increase the action and magnify the results which can only be a good thing.

I hope this is of interest and use to you. It struck me as pertinent, relevant and interesting, hence my desire to share!

Should you wish to check out the podcast in question, it was the Tim Ferriss Show featuring an interview with US Senator Cory Booker; very interesting and enlightening.

If you’re interested in a recommendation for a good read too (see above!) then I can highly recommend the excellent “Tools of Titans” by Tim Ferriss; I’m a big fan of his (can you tell?!). The book is a collection of interviews with loads of really interesting and inspiring people and I’d highly recommend checking it out.

Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss - Amazon.com

Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss - Amazon.co.uk

Thanks and have a great day!

Toby

8 Surprising Ways Divorce Affects Your Health

No two people experience a divorce the same way, but most can agree that it's an extremely painful and difficult situation, both mentally and physically. Though you'll be busy filling out legal paperwork with your attorney, it's essential to pay attention to your mind and body: Research shows that divorce can take a serious toll on everything from your sleep habits to your heart (no surprise there). Knowing about the following conditions will allow you to take charge of your health and do everything you can to prevent them from developing.

Anxiety

"Typically, after a divorce anxiety levels shoot sky high," says Fran Walfish, PsyD, a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and an expert panelist on the upcoming television series Sex Box. "You don't have a companion in the big, bad world anymore," she says, and the future that you once pictured no longer exists. Plus, there's a ton of uncertainty, which can lead to feeling insecure. Depending on the circumstances, you might suddenly have to move, get a new job, and survive on less money than before. Your children might need to change schools or get used to a back-and-forth arrangement with you and your ex. Walfish says that anxiety can sometimes manifest itself in controlling behavior, such as sending a gazillion emails to your divorce attorney or emptying your joint bank account to try to take over the finances.

Drastic Weight Change

Gaining or losing a significant amount of weight is something else you might notice during or after a divorce. Some people turn to comfort foods because doughnuts or fried chicken might temporarily perk them up. For others, divorce has the opposite effect. "I had a patient walk in after a long absence. She was very slim, and I remarked upon it. She said, 'Yep, I'm getting a divorce. I call it the Grief Diet,' " says Walfish. "She lost her appetite. Sometimes you can't eat when you're distraught."

Metabolic Syndrome

Metabolic syndrome occurs when you have several dangerous conditions at once, including high blood pressure, high blood sugar, excess belly fat, and high cholesterol. It increases your risk for heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. A study published in Archives of Internal Medicine found that women who are divorced (as well as women who are widowed or in unhappy marriages) are more likely to develop metabolic syndrome than women who are in happy marriages.

Depression

After a marriage dissolves, "many people feel like failures," says Walfish. What contributed to the divorce may also play a role. For instance, if your spouse cheated on you, that knowledge might send you into a downward spiral of hopelessness and destroy your self-confidence. "I really and truly believe that this is the pivotal moment in life where it's beneficial to seek out a good therapist," says Walfish. For one thing, it helps to gain support from someone who is emotionally removed from the situation. This is also your chance to discover why you were drawn to the relationship in the first place—and learn how to avoid a similar situation. "It's a golden opportunity to write a new, brighter script for the next chapter in your life," says Wolfish.

Cardiovascular Disease

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that both middle-aged men and women are at a higher risk of developing cardiovascular disease after going through a divorce, compared with married people of the same age. It also revealed that middle-aged women who get divorced are more likely to develop cardiovascular disease than middle-aged men who get divorced. Why do women have it worse? Here's one explanation: 

Research shows that the stress of divorce leads to higher levels of inflammation in women, and those levels persist for some time, explains Mark D. Hayward, professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin. "Part of the reason for the continued elevation in women is that the period after divorce is highly stressful, too. Women often take bigger hits in terms of finances, and they tend to stay single longer than men."

Substance Abuse

Post-split, you might find yourself becoming more dependent on cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs to cope with feeling lonely, anxious, or depressed. One 2012 review of scientific literature published in The Journal of Men's Health found that divorced men have higher rates of substance abuse, as well as higher rates of mortality, depression, and lack of social support, compared with married men. The stress you feel from a divorce is second only to the stress you feel from the death of a spouse, explains study co-author Dave Robinson, PhD, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Utah State University. "And men are more likely to ignore the significant impact that divorce has on them."

Insomnia

"In my divorced clients, sleep disruption is very common, as well as nightmares," says Walfish. This might mean having trouble falling or staying asleep. According to the National Sleep Foundation, insomnia is very common among those who are depressed, so divorce-related depression is one possible underlying cause of the sleep issues. Be sure to follow these tips to sleep better every night.

Chronic Health Problems & Mobility Issues

Many health consequences of divorce are linked. For example, it can be harder to eat well and exercise regularly if you're feeling depressed and not sleeping well. And those unhealthy habits can lead to serious diseases and conditions. A study published in Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that divorced or widowed people have 20% more chronic health conditions (such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer) than people who are married. They also have 23% more mobility limitations, such as not being able to climb stairs or walk a block. Consider this one more reason to make sure you get a physical each year.

Source: http://www.prevention.com/sex/marriage/divorce-and-health-effects

12 Inspiring Quotes From Celebrity Moms And Dads About Co-Parenting

“Our daughter is growing up seeing two people who care about each other.”

After separating or divorcing from their partners, many celebrity moms and dads keep in mind one important thing: the happiness of their kids.

In magazine interviews and television appearances, the co-parents of Hollywood have made it clear that the experience isn’t always simple and easy, but have also stressed that it is possible to remain a loving family after a separation or divorce.

Here are 12 quotes from celebrity moms and dads about co-parenting.

1 Drew Barrymore on co-parenting with Will Kopelman

“It really is about the tone you set. And you can talk until you’re blue in the face, but kids watch what you do every single day of your life, all day long, and that behavior and that example and that love and community and honesty is just, I think, what’s making everything feel safe for my kids and that’s really the intention I had as a parent.”

During a 2017 appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”

2 Kate Hudson on co-parenting with Matt Bellamy

“If Matt and I had a great relationship, we would still be together, but we chose to move on because we had different visions of how we wanted to live our lives. That doesn’t mean, though, that we can’t rebuild something that would be the best thing for the kids.”

In a 2015 interview with Allure
3 Jennifer Lopez on co-parenting with Marc Anthony

“Marc and I are very good friends, we’re very supportive. I feel it’s my responsibility as a mom when their dad is not there to let them know that their dad loves them very much because that’s the doubt that they have when he’s not around or they haven’t seen him. That’s my job to do that the same way it’s his job when he’s with them to say, ‘Mommy is working and she loves you.’”

During a 2014 appearance on “HuffPost Live”

4 Sienna Miller on co-parenting with Tom Sturridge

“[We] do bedtime every day. We felt like as much togetherness as possible would be ideal, and fortunately we really love each other and are best friends, and so that works.”

In a 2017 interview with Allure

5 Taye Diggs on co-parenting with Idina Menzel

“As people can imagine, it gets rough at times just because we’re not in the same city, but we still love each other and what’s most important is we love our son. That stabilizes us. I’m thankful for him.”

In a 2015 interview with “Entertainment Tonight”

6 Idina Menzel on co-parenting with Taye Diggs

“[Our son] comes first and you have to get past your own egos and you never talk bad about each other.”

In a 2016 interview with People

7 Angela Kinsey on co-parenting with Warren Lieberstein

“I’m really fortunate because my ex and I are very good friends and I talk to him every day. Our daughter is growing up seeing two people who care about each other. We may not be a traditional family on paper but we are a family and I tell her that families come in all shapes and sizes, but [a family is] love and I see her really flourishing because she sees two people treating each other with respect.”

During a 2013 appearance on “HuffPost Live”

8 Amber Rose on co-parenting with Wiz Khalifa

“I have pictures up of me and Wiz in [our son’s] room so he can always come in and see us being happy together. We try to have family days with him, even though we’re not together. Kids want to see their parents together and if you can’t be together in a relationship, you’ve got to come together as friends for your baby.”

In a 2017 interview with People

9 Miranda Kerr on co-parenting with Orlando Bloom

“We decided as a family it was the right decision for Flynn, so Orlando and I both relocated and we live five minutes from each other ... Everything revolves around my son and his welfare.”

In a 2015 interview with HELLO! Fashion Monthly

10 Nick Cannon on co-parenting with Mariah Carey

“We make the kids the number one priority, for them to see their parents together and for everybody to get along and have a great time.”

During a 2015 appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”

11 Gwyneth Paltrow on co-parenting with Chris Martin

“I think, unfortunately, even though we couldn’t stay in a romantic relationship, our values are very much around the importance of family and the importance of those relationships and I’m lucky that we’re aligned in that way. And it’s been hard, and you know, we’ve gone through really difficult times with it, but we’ve always said these children are our priority.”

During a 2015 appearance at the BlogHer15: Experts Among Us conference

12 Ryan Phillippe on co-parenting with Reese Witherspoon

“You have to get to that point as a divorced parent, as any parent, where you’re not putting yourself first. You want the kids’ experience to be its own and not like, ‘Well, I need to have my time!’ We have been very good about that.”

In a 2016 interview with “Entertainment Tonight”

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/quotes-from-celebrity-moms-and-dads-about-co-parenting_us_59384a54e4b0c5a35c9b5f02

What Smart Women Do After Divorce

“Why do some women do well after divorce, while others get stuck?” a divorcing client asked me, confronting her worries head on. “I want to be happy again. I want to rely on myself and not be afraid of the future. I can’t make it without his support, but it’s tough being tied together for so many years through the kids and the money.”

Indeed, financial entanglement is a double-edged sword. Moving on is much harder for women (and men) who remain connected via a custody share, child support or alimony. How do you get closure when the contact and financial dependency continue? What’s the key to regaining your independence and confidence?

My answer is something most people already know, but nonetheless is the greatest challenge of divorce: You commit to being happy or commit to being right. The smartest women I know choose happiness, and this has been the key to rebuilding their life. I’ve observed five actions and attitudes these women adopted that made the difference in their recovery process. It’s never too late to start.

#1: No More “Woe Is Me” (ideally after the first year) 

Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully.

By far the most important (and most difficult) step is to impose a statute of limitations on feeling sorry for yourself, even if the conflict is ongoing. The first year, it’s normal to dwell on the loss, to cry, grieve, vent to your family and friends about every last detail. But after that, even though you’re still raw, it’s important you make a deliberate mind shift from seeing yourself as a victim. Regardless of what your husband did or is still doing, you don’t want to make the pain of your divorce your identity and your calling card.

Your negative feelings won’t disappear miraculously, and of course this isn’t a one-time mind shift. Sadness and despair roll in when you least expect it. You’re not unusual (nor should you be embarrassed) if you need antidepressants for some period of time to get unstuck. Many women also find it beneficial to examine their feelings in a therapeutic setting, such as private therapy, a divorce support group, or counseling services from their church/synagogue. 

Friends can be a great resource, but don’t use them only as a sounding board for self-pity. If you’re hanging around a friend — divorced or otherwise — who spends her time man-bashing and telling you how you’ve been screwed, that friendship is keeping you stuck. Spend time (and connect online) with women who are upbeat and can be role models for moving forward with strength and optimism. Two blogs I like, created by women who did something constructive to deal with their divorce, are Chick Chain Walking Club and One Mom’s Battle. 

One client summed up her recovery process: “I developed the strength and discipline to give my victim feelings a shelf life ... I’d say to myself, ‘I get tonight to feel sad and then tomorrow it’s back to business.’” 

An added benefit of taking this step is you’ll be a role model for your children, especially a daughter, about how to recover from a life crisis.

#2: Accept the Economic Reality of Divorce

The smartest women come to terms with the reduced lifestyle they have after divorce. They reaffirm their priorities or commit to changing their lifestyle. They do not rely on their ex-husband as their long-term financial solution, nor do they see “finding another man” as the solution.

Unless you’re wealthy or a movie star, your economic level will decrease as a result of divorce. The same income that used to run one household is now running two. Women often don’t get paid the same as men for comparable work, and women’s careers are impacted by choosing to raise children — but these are facts, but not obstacles to happiness. Smart women deal with these realities in one of two ways: 

• They accept this reduction in lifestyle. Their joy comes from other things, like their children and the opportunity to be an involved parent or appreciation of their job and the flexibility it affords them even if it doesn’t pay as well as a high-paying career.

• If/when the timing is right, they make the decision to increase their earnings through their own means, such as a better job, increased hours, or additional education and training.

Either of these choices leads to greater peace and self-confidence.

#3: Develop a 10-Year Financial Plan 

Smart women take charge of their finances during and after divorce. They hire a financial planner or an accountant to review and organize their finances and map out spending and goals for the next decade. Although daunting at first, this step is immensely empowering.

Divorce may be the first time you’ve managed the family finances and planned for the future. Although it feels overwhelming, don’t stick your head in the sand with the naive hope that you’ll be able to make it forever on what you’re getting in support and assets (or that you’ll meet someone who will take care of you). 

First, educate yourself about financial planning through a book, seminar, or online resource. Second, find an expert (an accountant or financial planner) with whom you can review your finances and spending. (I strongly suggest you choose an expert who charges by the hour instead of on a commission basis.)

Looking at the economic reality is a wake-up call for most women. One client said after her meeting, “I quickly saw that I need to be much more thoughtful about how I use my assets and how I spend what I am getting in support. I’m now focused on my short-term goals — reducing my spending and finding ways to supplement my income — and my long-term goals of getting the kids through college and saving enough to have a dignified life in later years. I feel more in charge of my future and less anxious as a result.”

# 4: Repeat After Me: “I Cannot Change My Ex”

Smart women recognize they can’t change their ex-husband. They pick their battles, they let go of issues that don’t really matter or can’t be changed, and they accept with grace and maturity the general unpleasantness of an ongoing custody share — knowing this is just the reality of divorce.

It’s normal to want to have a say in how your ex behaves — particularly related to the kids. But save yourself the struggle. In a strange way, this step is about taking control of your inner life by letting go of outside control.

Sharing custody involves a lot of frustrations. The most common ones I hear from women are: he cancels or is late; he feeds the kids junk food; there are no limits at his house on TV, video games or computer; he buys them toys/electronics you said no to, instead of buying the shoes and school clothes they need; he gripes about expenditures for the kids’ extracurricular; he lets them stay up past their bedtime; he doesn’t return their clothing or returns everything dirty; he doesn’t make the kids do chores, so they complain when you enforce this rule at your house; he has joint custody but you still have to take the lead on doctor and dentist appointments, school, homework, extracurricular activities and sports.

Is this behavior fair or considerate? No. Is it worth getting upset over? No. Unless he is abusing the kids or repeatedly not showing up, you can’t generally control these kinds of actions. It’s a costly endeavor to try.

I’m not saying smart women allow themselves to be doormats — they definitely don’t. Sometimes you have to put on the business hat and confront an issue with your ex. Sometimes legal action is required. Be sure the issue warrants it and has a good probability of resulting in change. And work to let go of the rest. 

#5: Focus on the Future, Commit to Growth and Introspection, And
Build a Relationship with Yourself

Smart women channel their energies post-divorce into examining their life, their goals, their mistakes and how they can learn from the past. Instead of jumping into another serious relationship (or spending their time complaining about their ex), they focus on their own life issues. They redefine their priorities and discover what’s meaningful to them. They mature fully into themselves as women whose identity is not tied to the role of mother or wife.

We’ve seen this or been there ourselves — how men and women “lose themselves” in marriage. For many women, their identity becomes tied to their husband or children early on, and so when the marriage ends and these roles are lost or diminished, the woman feels unsure of who she is. This is one reason divorce can be a real moment of crisis.

The smartest women I’ve observed use their divorce as an opportunity for growth and maturity. They take inventory of their life, mistakes and all, and devote time and energy to discovering who they are and what they want for their future. This process takes time, patience and dedication, but in the end, these women are able to put their divorce behind them. They go on to be centered, stable, self-assured, capable women who find the happiness they felt they had lost. In fact, when I asked these women if they could turn back the clock and stay married, the answer was overwhelmingly a heartfelt “no” — they would never go back, even with all of the known challenges. 

What would be on your list for recovery?

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/what-smart-women-do-after_b_1307356.html

5 Ways to Seize the Moment and Live Without Regrets

“Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown

Samara is my colleague at work. She is one of the most pleasant ladies I know. She always has a smile and an encouraging word to give.

She really is the kind of woman you want to speak to on the days you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand, because she always has something comforting to say. As we got closer, I confided more and more in her about the challenges I was going through in my life.

I envisioned that her life must be perfect since she has such inner strength.

But I was wrong.

One day I noticed she had a sad countenance. That was strange because Samara was like sunshine itself. However, her sad countenance did not last, and before long she had her signature smile back on.

But I was not deceived. I knew that deep inside her, she was experiencing some pain, so I asked her what was wrong.

At first, she smiled and said that all was well. But I insisted that she confide in me. She looked me in the eyes, thanked me for caring, and then dropped the bombshell.

“My six-year-old daughter has been in a critical condition for the past six months because of my carelessness. I saw her yesterday and her situation seems to have worsened. I think she is going to die.”

For a second, I could not speak. I was in shock.

“I am so sorry,” I managed to stammer, trying not to let her see how shaken I was by the shocking statement I had just heard.

She explained to me that six months ago, she had stopped at a supermarket to get a few things. And because she was in a hurry, she had left her daughter in the car with the engine running. Her daughter had managed to engage the gear and the car had sped into the road, right into an oncoming trailer, and she had been seriously injured.

The tears rolled down my face as she narrated this horrific story to me.

She assured me that she had managed to forgive herself and had replaced regrets with gratitude for the six years she spent with her daughter.

I recalled with a sense of embarrassment all the fuss I sometimes make over little things that, in light of what I’d just heard from Samara, now seem really insignificant.

My marriage was not working out the way I wanted it to and everyday I lived with regret that I married my husband. I made a career change, which has turned out to be a very poor decision, and I have not been able to forgive myself.

I realized that I spend too much of my time dwelling on all the mistakes I have made in the past. I spend too much time regretting things that I have no power to change. I spend too much time wishing things were different. I spend too much time beating myself up over what I’ve done.

Over the years after that encounter, I determined to live a more positive life, free of regrets. Here are five ways I’ve learned to do that:

1. Live your life with purpose.

I realized that my career was doing badly because I did not have a career plan. I just drifted through my days without something to look forward to, so my life lacked momentum.

Determine to live a life of focus. Today, take a stand on one thing you want to achieve in your life and draw up a plan to accomplish it.

2. Stop making excuses.

I blamed everybody else for the way my life turned out. I blamed my husband for the failure of my marriage and I blamed my boss for not promoting me.

I am responsible for my life and not anybody else. Instead of making excuses, I need to take responsibility.

It doesn’t matter what the obstacles in your life are. You can achieve almost anything if you put your mind to it. Helen Keller and Jon Morrow are examples of people who achieved excellence despite physical disabilities.

Look within yourself. There is something waiting to be birthed. Find what that something is and do it, without excuses.

3. Choose not to be a victim.

At a point, I thought I had made such a mess of my life that there was no point trying to put things right. So I gave up trying. I mulled over my mistakes every day and went deeper into regrets.

None of this helped me. I only started making progress when I embraced my mistakes, determined not to make them again, and resumed chasing my dreams.

Life is not fair for any one of us. There will be storms and you will make mistakes. But be determined to get up as many times as life pushes you down. Forgive yourself, learn the lessons, and go on working toward your goals.

The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself, the less time you have to pursue the life of your dreams.

4. Stop comparing yourself to others.

I could not stop comparing myself to others. Everybody seemed to be happier than me, their marriages seemed to be faring better, and I seemed to be the only person with a less than fulfilling career.

This made me feel even worse. I wondered what others were doing that I was not. Their progress in life seemed to dampen my spirit.

Over time, I realized that comparing yourself with others is one of the greatest mistakes anybody can make. No matter who you are or where you find yourself in life, always remember that you have your own unique path to walk.

Never compare yourself, your struggles, and your journey to anyone else, for that would only distract you from your own.

We are all different. Forget about others and focus on fulfilling your own life dreams. 

5. Take action now.

After I drew up a career plan for myself, I still lacked the courage to follow my plan. I wasted a lot of time because I was afraid that I would fail and I did not have to courage to start. So I continued to push things off.

It’s funny how so many people seem to think that tomorrow is better than today for getting things done. We put off those things that are important to us and we lie to ourselves by saying that we will do them later.

Whatever you need to do, do it now! Today is the tomorrow you planned for yesterday, so start today.

My chat with Samara that day was a wake up call. I promised myself that day that I would not waste any more precious moments of my life regretting. I have been able to do that and have discovered inner peace in the process.

So I urge you to do the same. Don’t waste any more time on regrets. Learn the lesson and move on. There’s still a lot of life in you. Go out there and live it!

Source: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-seize-the-moment-to-live-without-regrets/

Lessons from the end of a marriage

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

One of the most gut-wrenching sensations during divorce is to be by yourself in what was the marital home. It’s a different type of alone than the kind that comes when your spouse is away on a business trip. It’s a hollowing. A fragile glass sphere rattling around in a sharp-edged box with no padding for protection. It’s a tangible experience of the loss, the cleaving. The house feels deserted. An empty vessel that once held life and possibilities now only serves as a backdrop for memories.

And the house isn’t the only area that is often too big after divorce. The life you built with your partner expanded to hold both you. And maybe you’re lost within its generous boundaries. Divorce can be a time for contraction, a time for simplification and retreat.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider downsizing during divorce:

Space

A large home requires a large bank account and a large amount of energy, both of which may be in short supply during your divorce. There is a freedom that can be found in occupying a smaller space. Be honest about your needs and your resources. If you do not have kids, this can be a great time to rent a room or move into the city. If you have children, consider other options within their school district. If you are staying in the marital home, simplify it. Consider how you can save time and money around the house. And, by all means, make the space your own.

It can feel strange moving from home ownership back to apartment life. It feels like back-sliding, especially in our culture where owning a home is both a status symbol and a sign of adulthood. But this isn’t a time to worry about keeping up with the Jonees. This is a time for rest and recharge. The Joneses be damned.

Obligations

Many of us are overextended. We have obligations to family, work and friends. We then weigh those even more by piling on the “shoulds,” which are simply self-imposed obligations. Divorce is a time of letting go. Not just of the marriage, but of anything that is clutter in your life. Consider all of your commitments. Do they still fit? Are there some that no longer serve you and your life purpose? Release them. Practice saying “no” when asked to carry additional weight. If you have been lax about boundaries in your personal or professional life, now is a great time to reinforce them. And if people take offense at your new, less sycophantic self, just blame it on post-divorce psychosis.

Belongings

Clutter tends to accumulate not only in our obligations, but also in our closets. Go through your stuff and sell what you can (check with your attorney first if you’re still in the legal process); you probably need money now more than you need that fancy watch or cute shoes that are too expensive to actually wear. Purge your mementos from the marriage. Even if you want to keep some, you have no reason to keep them all. Too much is paralyzing, especially when we are already weakened. So remove the excess and find peace in the space left behind.

Friends

Divorce has a way of revealing your true friends. You learn that some of those you thought had your back, only had it in smooth seas and sunny days. This isn’t a time to be overly concerned with social niceties and excessive politeness. If a friend is making you feel lousy or anxious, let them go. Invest your energy in the relationships that help to build you up and make you feel connected.

Television

During divorce, your brain practically demands distractions. Reality is pretty sucky and so anything seems preferable. Even (or maybe especially) bad television. Now, I’m not saying you have to cancel your cable or disavow your Netflix, but I am recommending you set limits. Television is an attractive escape because it is a passive one, requiring nothing of you other than attention. But its very nature acts a pause button. Because while you’re watching, nothing else is happening. You may be distracted, but you’re also not changing anything. The pain will still be there when the power is clicked “off.”

Social Media

Social media is a double-edged sword during divorce. It allows you to be connected to friends and family across the world in a time when you need all the support you can get. On the other hand, it has a devious way of showing you pictures of your ex, smiling with a new partner. And even if you manage to avoid the jarring pictures of your ex moving on, there is still the Photoshopped world that makes you feel less than. Be judicious in your consumption of social media. Maybe shift to phone calls/texts/emails with the people who matter and ignore for a time the people that don’t.

Worries

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yet, in divorce, even the small stuff feels big. Try to focus on what is really important:

Do you have a place to live (even temporarily)?

Do you have a source of income?

Are your children safe?

Are your basic needs being met (food, safety, sleep, etc.)?

Do you have a support system?

Cool. Everything else is just details. Release your worries. You don’t have to know everything today. Just the next step.

Source: https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2015/04/26/7-areas-to-downsize-during-divorce/