No matter who you are, when you have a dream and are committed to achieving it you will face critics and experience many rejections. You will face people who have the outright desire to take you from your path. Many people, who may be in power, will use their position to push down ideas that are not in line with their own, or ideas they do not understand or value. Just as deterimental are the “caring concerned” who, in trying to protect you from your unrealistic dreams, keep you from them.
The greatest obstacle to success is your fear and belief in what a critic says. Instead of running or quitting, make the emotionally strong choice to move forward, in spite of perceived setbacks, understanding that sometimes it is only your opinion that matters. In that way, you will receive five powerful gifts from the people and situations that don't wish you well, at all.
1. Emotional strength.
The pursuit of success nearly guarantees the more you seek to fulfill your purpose, the more obstacles you will face. As you come across naysayers you must learn to not integrate their fears into your own belief system and decision making. Pursuing a dream is emotional strength training. The more motivated you are to make a difference and change the world, the more you rise in your success. The more you want to create and lead, the more rejection and criticism will show up on your path in an effort to derail you. This is an opportunity to develop the skills, strategies and resolve to continue forward. In this way, your naysayers become your greatest motivators. They fuel your desire to show them just how wrong they are about who you are and where you are going.
When in doubt, remind yourself that naysayers belittle others in an effort to stop feeling so little themselves.
2. Self-control.
Receiving criticism and rejection is common when your pursuit is doing important things in the world. Force yourself to become conscious of the rude, ill-informed and unkind people who emerge to tarnish your shine. With an awareness of them you gain more control over your emotional reactions to them. Negative people lurk around every corner. The reality is that things aren’t going to be fair on your way to the top. Accept that. Because you will interact with a fair number of these people, you have the opportunity to develop unbeatable self-control. Critics love to get under your skin and push you off balance. It gives them a sense of power. Therefore, use these people and experiences as exposure therapy until, eventually, rejection and criticism has little to no power over you. By weathering exposure to the negativity of others you develop control of your emotional reactions to their efforts to set you back.
2. Refocus.
Learn to say “next” to every “no.” Rejection it is not the end of the world, nor does your idea merit being discarding. Look for gifts in the feedback that comes with rejection. Accept what can be successfully applied to refine and make your idea better. Then, move on. Each rejection leads you closer to that “yes” you are seeking. Each “no” feels like another step back but is really bringing you one step closer to realization of your dream.
Refocused energy is the most creative energy. You have the opportunity to refine, repurpose and perfect what is already in place. Rejection, if you allow it, can fuel your deep desire to succeed. To be successful you must compete, compete, compete.
3. Fearlessness.
Success is all about risk. Each time you put yourself and your idea out into the world you risk rejection and criticism, so do not be shocked or dismayed when it happens. Success is about getting knocked down, learning resilience, getting back up and risking again. Each time you take a risk you become emotionally stronger. Each loss provides the information your pursuit needs to determine what new direction to take. Risk takes courage and courage can only be developed by doing courageous things. Giving up takes zero effort, getting up takes resilience. Most of the happiness derived from success is not monetary but the confidence you build along the way as you risk, fall, try again, risk and then succeed.
4. Unwavering belief in your purpose.
When you believe deeply in what you are doing, what you are creating and what your ideas stand for, you develop the resilience to withstand all rejection and criticism. There is nothing more profoundly necessary for true success then a deep and unwavering belief in your purpose. There will be all kinds of people who want to shrink your ideas or steal them. Others will want to use you for your idea or simply tell you your idea is worth nothing. Pay attention to who you listen to. Be smart about who you choose to pitch your ideas to. Pay attention to your gut instincts. Protect your ideas and only share them with those whom you respect. Do your research and work with like-minded innovators. With deep belief you can remain hard working and quiet because your success will do the talking.
5. Unflinching in the face of challenges.
What kind of true success can really come without real effort, real labor, real heartache and real sweat? Success does not come to the weak. No journey is devoid of self-doubt or setbacks. Success is a matter of standing up to your challenge. It is a matter of commitment and not giving up. It is about getting up and suiting up, even when things look bleak. It is having the complete resolve to pursue your higher purpose. There is nothing unrealistic about a dream that is in complete alignment with your purpose. If what you are doing ignites your passion, inspires you to plan and persevere, then you will, without a doubt, achieve what you have set out to achieve. Any person with a deep conviction and commitment to success will succeed. Therefore, the only opinion about your dream that really counts is yours. The negative commentary of others merely reflects their limitations, not yours. Success is built upon your own determination, not managed by anyone else’s opinion. This is why success is never a straight shot to the top. None of us would be nearly as successful as we are without the gifts of the naysayers, the tough rejections or the harsh criticisms. It all depends upon what you choose do with it. To be a standout success you must learn to control your emotional reactions and turn all of the criticisms and rejections to serve as your greatest advantage. Most importantly, see the value in it all and be thankful all along the way. Success, at the end of the day, is your greatest revenge. Be sure you are the last one standing. Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247634
Whether you’ve been dumped by your partner, or you’re facing a financial crisis, throwing a pity party won’t help. In fact, feeling sorry for yourself can become downright self-destructive. It makes overcoming adversity difficult — if not impossible — and it keeps you stuck.
Mentally-strong people refuse to allow self-pity to sabotage their success. Instead, they use life’s inevitable hardships as a way to grow stronger and become better. Here’s how mentally-strong people avoid the self-pity trap:
1. They Face Their Feelings
Mentally-strong people allow themselves to experience emotions like grief, disappointment, and loneliness head on. They don’t distract themselves from uncomfortable emotions by questioning whether their problems are fair, or by convincing themselves they’ve suffered more than those around them. They know the best way to deal with discomfort is to just get through it.
2. They Recognize Warning Signs of the Downward Spiral
When you focus on everything that is going wrong in your life, your thoughts become exaggeratedly negative. And those negative thoughts will negatively affect your behavior if you dwell on them. The combination of negative thinking and inactivity fuels further feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people recognize when they’re at risk of becoming caught in this downward spiral and they take action to prevent themselves from living a pitiful life.
3. They Question Their Perceptions
Our emotional state influences how we perceive reality. When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you’re likely to focus on the bad things going on in your life, while overlooking the good. Mentally strong people question whether their thoughts represent reality. They ask themselves questions like, “Is my luck always bad?” or “Is my entire life really ruined?” Asking themselves these types of questions allows them to recognize when they’re outlook isn’t realistic. This allows them to create a more realistic perception of their situation.
4. They Turn their Negative Thoughts into Behavioral Experiments
Mentally strong people don’t allow their negative thinking to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, when they find themselves thinking things like, “I could never put on a presentation as good as this one,” they respond by saying, “Challenge accepted!” They perform behavioral experiments to prove their negative thinking wrong.
5. They Reserve their Resources for Productive Activities
Every minute you spend hosting your own pity party is 60 seconds you delay working on a solution. Mentally strong people refuse to waste their precious time and energy dwelling on their misery. Instead, they devote their finite resources to productive activities that can improve their situation.
6. They Practice Gratitude
It’s impossible to feel self-pity and gratitude at the same time. While self-pity is about thinking, “I deserve better,” gratitude is about thinking, “I have more than I need.” Mentally strong people recognize all that they have to be grateful for in life — right down to the fresh air to breathe and clean water to drink.
7. They Help Other People
It’s hard to feel sorry for your problems when you’re helping those who are less fortunate. Problems like demanding customers or declining sales don’t seem so bad when you’re reminded that there are people who lack food and shelter. Rather than ruminate on their own inconveniences, mentally strong people strive to improve the lives of others.
8. They Refuse to Complain
Venting to other people about the magnitude of your problems fuels feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people don’t try to gain sympathy from others by complaining about their difficult circumstances. Instead, they either take action to make things better, or they accept the situations that they can’t change.
9. They Maintain an Optimistic Outlook
Some of life’s problems can’t be prevented nor solved. The loss of loved ones, natural disasters, and certain health conditions are problems that most people will face at one time or another. Mentally strong people keep an optimistic outlook about their ability to handle whatever life throws their way.
Build Mental Strength
Developing mental strength is similar to building physical strength. If you wanted to become physically strong you’d need good habits — like lifting weights. But you’d also need to get rid of bad habits, like eating too many sweets. Developing mental strength requires good habits — and it also requires you to give up destructive habits, like self-pity. Everyone has the ability to build mental strength. By developing an increased ability to regulate your thoughts, manage your emotions and behave productively despite your circumstances, you’ll grow stronger and become better. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morin/9-ways-mentally-strong-pe_b_7214826.html
MY husband and I started talking divorce at my friend Sara’s wedding. It was May in the Hamptons. Standing before the crashing Atlantic in her strapless gown, my friend looked vulnerable yet serene, as if she knew this man would always hold back the tide. Sara’s bridegroom read his vows, shivering a little as he promised to always listen, to make her goals his goals, to constantly improve his mind to remain interesting to her.
I sat on a folding chair, huddled under my husband’s suit jacket, looking from the marrying couple to the man I had married. We didn’t write our own vows, but if we had, my husband wouldn’t have made those promises. I wasn’t really comparing my marriage to my friends’ wedding. A wedding is the cherry atop the dreamy early days. Marriage combined with work and parenthood can be a romance-eroding machine, especially if you have a rambunctious toddler who climbs every refrigerator, parking meter and child-safety gate he sees. I was comparing the gap between what my husband and I want from marriage and the compatibility of my friends’ expectations. Because having a shared vision for marriage does matter. After the ceremony, I slumped against one of the dunes along the shore. My husband sat down next to me. “You know,” I said, kicking off my sandals and staring toward the distant sun. “What are we doing? Why are we still doing this?” He gazed toward the water. He wasn’t expecting me to suggest divorce during our romantic wedding weekend, but he wasn’t shocked, either. We had been discussing our incompatibilities for years. We met at a book party in 2000 and were immediately attracted to each other and to certain aspects of each other’s personality. But while I yearn for a deeply united, soul-mate-style connection, he wants something looser, more independent, less enmeshed. This difference created friction almost immediately; still, we wanted our romance to last. We took a Calvinist approach to our union, as if “hard work” could yield a better match. Or he did. I was probably channeling the sculptor Rodin. As if by constantly chipping away at each other, we would reveal an edifice of perfect love. Other times, I felt we were erecting a scaffolding of a life — beautiful home, nice parties — and hoping the snug interior would fill itself in. My husband is a good person: hard-working, committed to social justice. But I’ve come to a startling truth about myself: I might be happier with a less ambitious partner, someone less focused on his career and curing the ills of the world and more focused on me, actually, and the piddling details of our family life. We rose from the sand and shuffled to the reception. The next day, driving around the North Fork, my husband said: “I met a guy last night with a great custody arrangement. He takes his daughter to school and plays with her afterward until the mom gets home. It made me feel hopeful.” I looked at him, driving responsibly, hands at 10 and 2, as always. I felt hopeful, too. I want my husband in my life, and certainly in our son’s. But I did not see why this meant we had to remain married. I’ve always had an optimistic view of divorce. My parents divorced amicably when I was 5, and I remained close to both. My father now lives jovially with his third ex-wife, who has become his roommate. My sister recently completed her second divorce and seems happier than ever. I know this may sound as if my family doesn’t respect marriage, but we care about it deeply: we keep breaking up mediocre ones in pursuit of a better match. My mother and stepfather just divorced after 35 years. While not my mother’s choice, even this painful split has an upside. My mother and father, simultaneously single for the first time since 1972, began e-mailing each other. There was talk of taking a family vacation: my mother, father, sister and me, and all our kids. The last time we took a family vacation I was 4, and I was thrilled about this proposed reunion. In November, when my husband and I finally announced our decision to split, I assumed my friends would bring Champagne and chocolates. “Finally,” they would say to themselves. “They’ve been frustrated for years.” Instead, I got pushback. “Are you sure you want to do this?” a friend asked. “Maybe you’re just unhappy in your career.” A therapist friend said, “I have a number of attractive friends your age who are single and have been unable to meet someone new.” “This may be the last party you two throw,” a friend sniffled at what was, in fact, the last party we threw. Why were my friends so reluctant to let my marriage go? Because they like my husband and care about me. But also because not many people in our circle are divorced. In fact, I live among one of the nation’s least-divorcing demographics: for educated couples in the Northeast who married after age 35, the divorce rate is often cited at around 7 percent. And even though divorce has changed in the last 20 years — improved, as has so much in our private lives — negative assumptions persist. Of course, there are vicious divorces. It’s hard to dismantle a shared life. Fear and anxiety can exacerbate anger, especially if guilt or shame clouds your thinking. Also, now that you’re cutting free, those irritating habits you’ve been ignoring can rear up with years of accumulated frustration. It takes real work to hold the nuances in your head, to remain kind and considerate, to remember why you married in the first place and still push forward to separate. As a culture, we understand that a good marriage takes work. Why not work equally hard to have a good divorce? To paraphrase the 17th-century poet John Milton in his treatise supporting divorce, a key purpose of marriage is joyful companionship; a fraught union violates the point. The negative feedback began to unnerve me. Were they right? Was I being overly optimistic, trading a subpar match for no one? Would I end up alone, snuggling up with my parti poodle, Paco? My soon-to-be-ex turned out to be one of the few people who shared my vision of a better, more connected future — with different partners. “If we get divorced, it’s going to be awful for two years,” he said. “Better to get those two years out of the way sooner rather than later.” This coolheaded stoicism, often squelching in marriage, felt reassuring and uplifting when contemplating divorce. He wanted us to focus on the good parts of our marriage and consider it a success that had run its term. “No one else seems to see it that way,” I said. “This is really between you and me,” my future ex insisted. “It’s not really their business.” I’ve longed for that us-against-the-world unity for years. In our separation, he is finally expressing it. In January, we sat on the squashy couch under our front window, legs tucked under a soft orange blanket from our former country house, and reaffirmed our commitment to split, at least on a trial basis. We refined the details — who would watch our son when, how we would talk about it at parties. While we never saw marriage the same way, we have nearly identical views of a positive, empowering divorce. Gazing at my future ex, I thought: I’m going to wind up loving him more during our divorce. He moved to an apartment around the corner in March, and many of my longstanding frustrations disappeared. I need a lot less from a future ex, and he is far more able to give it. If he is not going to be my husband, he is not “required” (by me) to pay attention to every single thing I say. If he is just a friend, who cares that he won’t try Zumba? PEOPLE insist it will get harder, that we’re still in the “honeymoon” stage of separation. Certainly other partners and new priorities will complicate things. Still, I’m committed to upholding my end of our ideal divorce. Meanwhile, my own long-divorced parents have started spending time together. They went to Mexico for a week. We have taken three family trips. They disagree on politics and how to be a grandparent, but they’re careful of each other’s foibles, solicitous. Their gentleness is a model of how I would like to be in my next relationship, which I hope is a marriage that lasts forever. But if it doesn’t, that’s O.K. I think we need more flexibility in our view of intimate relationships. You might be married and live in separate apartments. You might be divorced and never speak again. Or you might be divorced and civil. Be divorced and remain friends. Be divorced and discover a new closeness in 30 years. Now that my parents have reconnected, my vision of the Good Divorce extends “till death do us part.” I’m optimistic about my future with my future ex. Divorce, I now think, is no more fixed a state than marriage. Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/03/fashion/happily-ever-after-divorce.html
Don't Get Stuck In A Rut - Here's How To Move On After A Divorce
After sweating your way through proposal planning, asking (what felt like) the most important question of your life, committing your life to another person and building a life together, it can seem surreal when the ‘D’ word comes up in conversation. Even scarier? When divorce becomes the reality of your relationship, ending the marriage and the union that you had hoped would last the rest of your life. Between the financial, emotional and physical impact a divorce has on your wellbeing, health and happiness, considering a future that is full of joy might seem far-fetched and impossible. While there's no point in sugarcoating it and say it’ll be easy to move on after a divorce, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a touchdown to still be made at the other end of the field. The hard, sad truth is that an estimated 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, meaning that you are definitely not the first person to have to move past a heartache and you certainly won’t be the last. Here, relationship experts give you their best advice on how to mend your spirit and begin the long road of recovery that hopefully will lead you to an even better romantic match in the years to come:
1. Let Yourself Feel It
Relationship expert, psychologist and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., says that of all the traumatic experiences a person can go through, getting a divorce is among the most difficult. Not only are you experiencing the great divide of your assets — from your home and your bank accounts to any investments and in some cases, children — but you are also mourning the loss of a partner. Even if your ex was unfaithful to you or in the end, turned out to be more vicious, cold, cruel or vengeful than you could have ever imagined possible; at one time in your life, you thought they were the best person on Earth and letting go of that imagine? Well, it is hard. And depending on how much time you both spent in negotiations with your respective lawyers and how intense and heated your break-up proceedings went, you may feel exhausted by the time everything is officially signed on the dotted line. “If the couple can mediate on their own then it will still feel like a death of a relationship but without the added trauma of court. Court prolongs the pain and suffering for both parties,” Michael says. Though leaning in to the discomfort of heartbreak is never an easy task — especially when it is not just letting go of a relationship but a marriage — allowing yourself to truly, fully experience your emotions will ensure that you are not delaying the moving on process. If you ignore those waves of anxiety and depressions, frustration and anger, and pretend like everything's just fine, then you aren’t actually learning from your divorce. If you really struggle with accepting emotions, as many men do, psychologist recommend seeking therapy post-divorce, so a professional can guide you through the tough-to-navigate land of singleness that you haven’t been part of in years, if not, decades. From talk therapy methods where you are asked questions that help you understand your feelings to discovering coping mechanisms that are personal and practical to you, a therapist can identify your road to moving on, without you having to pretend for one minute that you are perfect A-OK, when frankly, you are sad. (And hey, for good reason.)
2. Take Your Time
Want to know, to the calendar date and to the hour, when you're 100%, totally, completely ready to go on your first date post-divorce? As comforting and encouraging as that would be, the time that it takes to be ready to put yourself back into that sea of eligibility will greatly depend on how your marriage ended and how you’ve handled the time afterwards. As psychologist and love and marriage expert, Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC explains, “The time to move on after a divorce varies from person to person. For many people, the relationship was long over before the divorce was final. For some couples, the divorce was a long and bitter process that left them in bad shape. Depending on where you stood at the end of it all can dramatically change the time you need before meeting new people again.” No matter if your friends are elbowing you into the bar scene and trying to introduce you to single, attractive women, or your parents are worried about your happiness and just want to see you ‘settled and fulfilled’ — the only person’s opinion that matters is your own. Instead of giving into the pressures or beginning to doubt your attractiveness or date-ability, give yourself a break and take the emotions as they come. Dr. Martinez says that it is much better to wait longer than you thought you’d need before jumping right back into dating post-divorce without taking care of your mental health first and foremost. Only when you are a healed, healthy person can you truly give your best self to the next partner that you decide to take a chance on. After all, ending one relationship only to rush into another one would be a dangerous gamble, given that you haven’t stopped, inhaled and figured out what you really want, and more importantly, what you need, post-divorce.
3. Get Active
Did your father ever tell you as a young teenager when puppy love got the best of you, that the best way to move on is to meet someone else? His words of wisdom might ring loud-and-clear for you right now, but before you move on to another relationship, Dr. Martinez says focusing on other interests, especially physically-active ones, can be a smart way to release your depression and anxiety that your divorce created. When you first go through the court proceedings, the moving details and the emotional windfall, you might feel uninspired to do much of anything, so building up your stamina and your health is a smart way to get the process of moving on started. “The physical impact of getting a divorce can often go hand-in-hand with sadness and depression. You may not be exercising, you might not be eating in a healthy manner, and you may not be taking care of yourself in the way you normally would,” she explains. “There is a part of you that thinks ‘why bother,’ but the truth of the matter is that all of these activities are only going to help you build their emotional, and physical, health, during a very trying time.”
By joining pickup basketball games or joining a recreational football team, you might also meet other male divorcees that can relate to where you are in your life and help give you advice on what has helped them to move forward. Also, as you see your body continually get stronger and build endurance, you’ll build self-confidence both in your appearance and yourself.
4. Don't Compare Yourself To Your Ex
Post-divorce, it is a good idea to remove your connections to your former partner, especially if you are tied via every social media account, giving you an hour-by-hour update to what’s they're doing and worse, who they might be seeing. Even if you mutually agreed that your marriage had an end-date, accepting that they're getting back into the dating scene and moving on faster than you can be a tough pill to swallow. that is why Dr. Martinez says to remove all temptation of keeping tabs on her and instead, focus on your own road to recovery and love, without making your ex a factor. This is also important for another big reason: forgiveness. As Dr. Martinez says, if you are constantly in contact with her (or stalking her Instagram) then you do not allow for the space and the disconnect to process your relationship and your divorce. And without forgiving your ex (and yourself, too), you can’t be ready to truly move on in an healthy, impactful way. “You are really only ready to let go and move on when you have fully let go of the previous relationship and you harbor no resentment or ill will. When you have fully closed that chapter and are looking forward to moving on with your life, then you are ready to approach a new possible companionship,” she says. So you might be ready to grab drinks after work with a new person, but you might not be equipped to commit right away. Dr. Martinez says this just fine — as long as you are honest with yourself and with your matches. “The most important question you should ask yourself is ‘Am I ready to date?’ — and in what capacity,” she says. “Any stage and any answer is fine, just be honest with yourself, and with the person you are considering dating.” Source: http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-move-on-after-a-divorce.html
The noun resilience stems from the Latin resiliens “to rebound, recoil.” As a character trait, resilience is a person’s mental ability to recover quickly from misfortune, illness or depression. For most, life eventually throws us a major curve ball. Like millions, I have had my share of adversity. Growing up in Bangladesh, I have seen war, famine, and inhumane poverty. As an entrepreneur, technologist, and author, I have faced many professional and personal failures and rejections. I had to learn the art of resiliency to survive and then thrive.
Resilient people develop a mental capacity that allows them to adapt with ease during adversity, bending like bamboo instead of breaking. They possess a set of powerful traits. I’ve shared some of these traits separately in my previous posts; in this article, I wanted to bring them all together.
They Protect Their Soul
Dusting ourselves off every time we fall requires disciplining our inner energy and drive to protect our soul.
1. They Control Their Destiny.
It is difficult to understand how you can control your destiny when the very nature of adversity takes away your control. Destiny results from “intention” — our spiritual will, something that drives us to do what seems impossible. Laurence Gonzales, author of SURVIVING SURVIVAL: The Art and Science of Resilience, in an article writes:
Julian Rotter, a professor of psychology at the University of Connecticut, developed the concept of what he calls “locus of control.” Some people, he says, view themselves as essentially in control of the good and bad things they experience — i.e., they have an internal locus of control. This internal locus allows us to create options and scenarios based on instinct, the situation, and foresight. It allows us to create alternative plans in anticipation or in the midst of adversity.
2. They Accept Their Battle.
As humans, our instincts are to fight bitterly against adversity. The most resilient among us will often find a way to fight it by embracing it. On my desk is a copy of “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Very few have talked about embracing adversity like him. A professor at Carnegie Mellon and a husband and father of three, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given only a few months to live. He gave his Last Lecture on Sept. 18, 2007. His story, and particularly this final lecture, are a powerful reminder of the strength of the human spirit.
It’s not about how to achieve your dreams, it’s about how to lead your life ... If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you. — Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture Randy decided to accept his situation and live out the days he had remaining by making a difference. He died on July 25, 2008, and now he lives on not only through his family but also through the millions he inspired. I am certainly one of them. If you haven’t seen the “Last Lecture“ or read the book, then you must. Once we accept our situation and let go of the outcome, it allows us to adapt and even thrive in the face of adversity.
3. They Use Adversity As Their Compass.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. — Helen Keller Sometimes, if we pay close attention, we see that adversity can come into our life to guide us to our true destiny. It certainly did for Helen Keller. Helen Keller fell ill, lost her sight, her hearing and fell mute while she was a child. Today, her name is known around the world as a symbol of courage, strength and determination in the face of overwhelming odds. Through the tutelage of her teacher, Ms. Annie Sullivan, and other great supporters, she used her adversity to find her vision, her voice, and a calling for herself that led to great benefits to others.
They Learn to Suffer Well
Adversity inherently invokes pain, suffering, and disappointments. Accepting and growing through our pain is part of our personal growth. This is hardly easy. Like any other skill, learning to suffer well requires conscious practice and learning.
4. They Practice Patience.
The realization of the power of patience was most obvious to me during my visit to the Toshogu Shrine in Nikko, Japan. There, I stood in front of a famous Japanese calligraphy, a quote by Tokugawa Ieyasu, founder of the Tokugawa shogunate which ruled Japan for over 250 years until 1868. It says: “The strong manly ones in life are those who understand the meaning of the word patience. I am not as strong as I might be, but I have long known and practiced patience. And if my descendants wish to be as I am, they must study patience.” Over time, I have found that the practice of patience begins with: Compassion — The Dalai Lama says, “a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.” It is perhaps one of the hardest things to practice, yet there’s no substitute for compassion. Gratitude — When life turns upside down, staying in an attitude of genuine thankfulness helps us realize what we have.
5. They Let Go.
Fear is a protective emotion signaling danger and helps us to prepare for and cope with it. Fear perhaps is the key fundamental emotion that holds us back — fear of failure, losing people, success, the unknown, and fear of moving forward or making a change. Emotional pain is another key factor that often holds us back. Although others can cause pain for us, our pain can also be caused by our own actions, including our inability to achieve a desired aspiration. The physical reaction to fear and pain is called the “fight or flight” response. Letting go is the inner action that stops resisting fear and pain, allowing us to restore our ability to see clearly. Letting go comes from having a “nonjudgmental” outlook toward life and people. It allows us to forgive others and ourselves equally for mistakes and incompatibility. We must be willing to let go of fear, pain, anger, and people. It is the ability to let go that drives a constant process of change — it is what makes us flexible and adaptable. This is hardly easy, takes a conscious effort, and is something I know I struggle with every day.
6. They Live in the Moment.
Being truly in the moment allows us to escape from adversity and conserve our inner energy. Living in the moment doesn’t mean we don’t care about the past or future. It means that when we make a choice to do something, we focus on solely doing it, rather than letting our mind wander into the future (or the past). It’s been said that the only two jobs of a Zen monk are sitting zazen (meditation) and sweeping. Cleaning is one of the most important daily rituals of a Zen monk. They sweep or rake, and they try to do nothing else in that moment. The next time you’re doing housework, try concentrating on the housework — on the dust, the motion, the sensation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as boring chores, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness — something I ritualistically try to do at least once or twice a week. Sounds simple — but it’s actually pretty hard.
They Lead From Within
Despite our darkest moments, it is our duty to stay connected to our core intention. Resilient people reach their highest potential by taking risks that are consistent with their ethos and purpose. They lead themselves by constantly standing on an uncomfortable ledge.
7. They Develop Flexibility.
Lao Tzu said, “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: What is soft is strong.” Our ability to effectively survive, thrive and lead comes from flexibly riding out our ups and downs. An authentic journey does not always come from blasting through rocks and impediments, rather from having the faith, resilience and adaptability to cope with harsh realities of life.
8. They Find the Right Traveling Partners.
The people we surround ourselves with make the difference between failure and success. It’s not only whom we surround ourselves with that matters, but also how we interact with them that make the difference. It is important to avoid people who bring us down, waste our time, take us backward, and have no interest in our suffering. While we cannot always avoid them, at a minimum we can choose to not allow them to weaken us. And sometimes the right companion shows up through chance encounters. In life’s journey there are many encounters. Some are planned; some are by accident; and some by divine intervention. I have had many amazing “Chance Encounters,” where it seems the universe rallied to come to my aid when I needed the help most. They have occurred when least expected — and many of the people I’ve encountered have become friends and family. And whenever those encounters initially left me with a “negative” experience, they turned out to be much-needed lessons for me.
9. They Take the Next Step Forward.
The ability to visualize our dreams creates a mindset that makes our ambitions possible. Understanding exactly what we want is the foundation for our success. But executing that success requires taking the next step, every day, no matter how hard it may be. Author Joseph Marshall III shares Native American wisdom on taking the step in his book Keep Going.
It means letting the tears flow through the grief; it means to keep looking for the answer though the darkness of despair is all around. Each step takes you closer to the top of the hill, closer to the light of the next sunrise, and the promise of a new day. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/faisal-hoque/bend-not-break-9-powerful_b_4719513.html
"Mommy and daddy are getting a divorce." To children, those fateful words can mean a range of things, depending on their age. A baby or toddler won't understand them at all but may pick up on your somber tone and be confused or frightened by it; an older child may worry that she'll wind up like a friend at school who sees her dad only rarely, or that she'll have to move to a smaller house and share a bedroom with her little sister.
While it's just about impossible to put a positive spin on such a negative event, there's a lot parents can do to ease the difficult transition from intact family to divided one. Target your initial broaching of the topic to your child's age (if you have kids of widely differing ages, you might consider talking to each of them separately). And then be prepared to have your child come back with more questions as the years pass and she comes to understand the situation more fully. Some guidelines for talking to kids of various ages when a marriage splits apart.
Babies
While you may think that infants are too young to be affected by divorce, they're surprisingly intuitive. Even a 6-week-old can sense that his routine has been altered —he no longer sees both parents daily, he's suddenly eating at a different time or sleeping in a new room. Schedule changes can be particularly anxiety-provoking for babies. "They need structure and continuity to feel safe and to trust that all is right with the world," says M. Gary Neuman, author of Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way. It's least disruptive to keep an infant at home and have the noncustodial parent visit frequently for short periods—an hour a day, for example, or two hours three times a week. "For the first three months of my son's life, I had his dad come to my house whenever he wanted to see the baby," says a mom in Chagrin Falls, OH, who split from her child's father before giving birth. If the baby must move back and forth between households, try to maintain the same naptime, feeding schedule and bedtime rituals in each place. While you needn't re-create the nursery down to the Pooh Bear nightlight, purchasing two sets of identical sheets or bumpers can make an infant feel more at ease. Always make sure any favorite blankie or stuffed animal travels from house to house. An infant can sense if you're depressed or angry and may also interpret hostility, sadness or withdrawal as a reflection of your feelings for him. This can erode his sense of security and confidence, so it's crucial to deal with your own personal demons. "See a counselor, a rabbi, a minister; join a divorce support group; lean on your friends," advises Neuman. Be extra demonstrative with your baby, both physically and emotionally—you can't hug him too many times a day. Then be prepared for some fallout: Babies whose parents are going through a divorce may cry more often and sleep less soundly than those living in intact households. This is a natural reaction to stress and should subside within a couple of months, after they've adjusted to the new routine. They may also experience more severe separation anxiety (which typically crops up at 8 or 9 months). "When something is taken away from you, in this case a parent, it's natural to want to hold on tight to what you have left," says Arnold Stolberg, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, in Richmond. Until his anxiety eases, every time you leave your child with his other parent, be sure to reassure him that you're coming back. While he may not understand the words, he'll pick up on your soothing tone. The good news about splitting up while your child is a baby is that, all other things being equal, he may ultimately suffer fewer adverse effects from a divorce than an older child, since he won't remember his parents ever having been together.
Toddlers
A toddler isn't old enough to understand abstract concepts like "marriage" and "divorce," so you'll need to keep things concrete when broaching the subject. A simple statement, such as "Mommy and Daddy make each other sad and are going to live in different places, but you make us very happy" will do. At this age, a child's main concern is how the breakup will affect her routine, so explain the situation as specifically as possible. "Mommy will live here in this house, and Daddy will live at Grandpa's house" is easier for a toddler to grasp than "Daddy is moving to Arizona." And don't forget to reassure your child that no matter where everyone lives, you and your former spouse will still be her mommy and daddy and will love her as much as always. "When my husband and I divorced, he moved to Oregon for a year. I wanted him to have a close relationship with our daughter, who was eighteen months at the time, so I made sure to talk about him frequently and to tell her how much he loves her," says one Chicago mom. Just because toddlers can't always verbalize their emotions doesn't mean they aren't feeling them. They may become sad and withdrawn or act out their anxiety by hitting or biting. If you sense your child's upset, try to give voice to her feelings: "You look sad. I wonder if it's been tough for you not to see Daddy all the time" or "How do you feel about moving to a new house? That can be difficult." If aggression becomes a problem, explain that it's okay to be upset that Mommy or Daddy has moved out but that it's not okay to hit. Then try to redirect the anger by encouraging your child to say "I'm mad" or to scribble an "angry" picture or pound a play hammer. As with infants, it's wise to allow your child to have frequent visits with the noncustodial parent. Every day for an hour and a half is ideal, but two or three visits a week may be more practical. Again, young kids may have a difficult time warming up to the noncustodial parent if they're out of touch for more than a few days. If your toddler balks at going to your former spouse's house, talk about the fun she'll have there.
Preschoolers
Between the ages of 3 and 5, kids are magical thinkers. Their feelings and actions are so powerful, they may fear that Mommy or Daddy left because of something they said or did. "One four-year-old girl I counseled was certain that her parents wouldn't have divorced if she and her brothers hadn't argued so much," says Neuman. This kind of guilt not only prompts kids to feel bad about themselves, but it may also make them anxious about the future, he says. "If they can cause their family to break up, what other horrible things might they do?" Reassure your child that the divorce wasn't his fault, that it happened simply because Mommy and Daddy are too sad together. Preschoolers often worry that the custodial parent will move away too, leaving them to fend for themselves. They may try to act like superkids—eating all their vegetables, putting their toys away, going to bed cheerfully—figuring that you'll be more likely to stick around if they don't make waves. When Susan Rapaport and her husband split up four years ago, her son, Joseph, who was 5 at the time, would get excessively upset whenever anyone reprimanded him. "So anytime I had to call him on something, I made sure to add, 'I want you with me always, and I'm never going to leave you,'" says the Chevy Chase, MD, mother of three. Similarly, preschoolers may become overly fearful when you go to work or even run a quick errand, assuming that you're gone for good. Before leaving, be as specific as possible about when you're coming back: "I'll be home in time to feed you dinner" is more reassuring than "I'll see you later." Kids this age may also react to a divorce by regressing. Because their coping skills aren't well developed, they may use baby talk, demand a pacifier or need to cuddle a beloved blankie in order to comfort themselves during stressful times. If this occurs, help your child put words to the situation and be sure to shower him with extra love and attention. Let him know that his feelings matter and that he can depend on you to be there for him, says Neuman. Once things settle down and he adjusts to the divorce, his babyish behavior should disappear within two or three months.
Grade-Schoolers
Older kids are going to have many of the same concerns as younger ones. While you can use more sophisticated language with them, your general message about the breakup should be simple and straightforward: "Mom and Dad weren't happy together, but we love you all the same and always will." Like younger kids, school-age children may blame themselves for the split (although they may not admit it), but for a different reason. "It's less threatening for them to think that they somehow caused the divorce than to think that they have no control over bad things that happen," says Stolberg. So be sure to reiterate—as often as necessary—that Mom or Dad didn't leave because of anything they said or did. Because older children have mastered the concept of time, it's easier to explain to them how the divorce will affect their routine. One approach: Buy a calendar and draw a blue star on the days they'll be with Dad and a yellow one on the days they'll stay with Mom. "If children know in advance where they will be sleeping, they feel more in control," says Stolberg. Older kids hate to stand out from the crowd, so they may worry that the divorce makes them different. To help them feel less isolated, point out other people—from rock stars to neighbors—who are divorced or whose parents have split. Then ask if there are specific issues that are bothering them—and do your best to remedy the situation. Instead of expressing their anxiety at home, some grade-schoolers act out at school—fighting with friends, disrupting the classroom. Or they internalize their distress and suddenly develop chronic headaches or stomachaches. Let your child's teachers, babysitters and coaches know what's going on in her life, and keep in close contact with them to monitor how she's coping. If you notice that your child is having a tough time, try to get her to open up. Ann Croll of Rye, NY, whose daughter was 6 when she and her husband separated, broaches touchy topics when she and her daughter are on short rides in the car. "She knows, say, that after the next turn we have only half a block to go before we get to school, and she can stop thinking about it." No matter how old your children are, it's crucial to avoid trashing your ex in front of them. A child sees herself as an extension of her parents. So if you criticize a child's dad, in her eyes you're criticizing her too, says Stolberg. Denigrating your former spouse also makes it impossible for your child to love him without feeling as if she's betraying you. It's emotionally vital for kids to have a good relationship with both of their parents—whether or not they live under the same roof.
Children of Divorce: Do they grow up happy?
Divorce can deeply trouble kids, triggering a range of reactions from anger and depression to behavioral problems at school. But what's the long-range prognosis? Are they doomed to carry lifelong emotional baggage? Not necessarily, according to the recent book For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,by E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., and John Kelly. Hetherington looked at more than 1,400 families, some for as long as 24 years (roughly half of whom were divorced). Within six years, 75 to 80 percent of kids whose parents had split were as happy and well adjusted as those from intact families. "The other twenty percent developed some kind of psychological, emotional or academic problem, compared to ten percent of the nondivorced group," she says.
divorce's downside
A less optimistic picture was presented by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., in The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In interviews with 59 divorced families over 25 years, she found that almost all grew up with fears about being able to sustain a happy relationship. Eventually—often with therapy or the help of a supportive spouse—most were able to compensate. "But growing into adulthood was definitely much harder for them," she says. Many experts consider Hetherington's work to be more scientifically valid because she included a control group from the start (Wallerstein added hers later), had a larger sample size and conducted objective personality assessments. "Dr. Wallerstein's study is very insightful and useful in learning what happens after difficult divorces," says Andrew Cherlin, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University. "But the families she interviewed were more dysfunctional than the average divorcing family." On the other hand, says Norval Glenn, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Texas in Austin, Wallerstein's in-depth interviews may have uncovered pain and anguish that Hetherington's standardized tests wouldn't have detected.
the bottom line
There's no doubt that children from broken homes are twice as likely to grow up and have marriages that end in divorce. But most experts agree that divorce itself isn't necessarily a negative sentence for children. Parents who remain loving (but firm) and consistent throughout their divorce will dramatically increase their odds of raising happy, well-adjusted kids. Source: http://www.parenting.com/article/when-parents-divorce
The quick answer is that legally you can, of course, end a marriage when a spouse is mentally ill. But the real question is if you can give yourself permission ethically and morally to do so.
This question raises several issues. The most important one may be the definition of mental illness. It is very normal for divorce to elicit strong feelings, often negative ones—and for these feelings to change from sadness to anger, guilt, or shame. It is often typical for divorcing partners to label each other as “bi-polar” as they observe these mercurial feelings. And while rapidly shifting feelings may be one of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder, an accurate diagnosis includes several other important symptoms and can only be made by a mental health professional. The same is true for the broad category of personality disorders—it is tempting to label a spouse as a “narcissist” if, as is typical during a divorce, they engage in self-centered thinking or behaving. Similarly with borderline personality disorder, characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, which is also common during the divorce process. But a true personality disorder involves an enduring pattern of behavior, not provoked by a traumatic event such as divorce. So be careful with mental illness labels and try to leave the diagnosis to the professionals. But what about situations where there is a real diagnosis of mental illness, whether it be depression, psychoses, or even schizophrenia? These are usually very serious conditions, which greatly affect a person’s ability to function in a relationship or in their job. Living with such a spouse can be very difficult, demanding, and unsatisfying.
Seeking Treatment
One of the most important factors is the spouse’s commitment to start and follow through with appropriate treatment, which often involves medication. Sometimes patients resist this—particularly with bi-polar disorder. They may balk at medication, which moderates their “highs” (manic states which may be pleasurable) as well as the “lows” (depressive states). Without medication, the bi-polar condition will probably not improve and may get worse over time, and the same may be true for depression. Psychotropic drugs can greatly improve these conditions, and even very serious disorders such as schizophrenia may improve dramatically with appropriate medication (which can also have negative side effects such as weight gain). Another promising treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy, where negative thinking is addressed and modified and can lead to significant positive behavioral changes. So, if your spouse is willing to help him or herself with appropriate treatment, they and your relationship may improve to the point that you want to stay in the marriage .
Learning to Cope
Another option is to consider joint therapy, where both of you participate in learning about and how to handle issues that mental illness presents in the marriage and how to improve the relationship for both of you. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a nationwide group offering education and support for individuals and families dealing with mental illness, and can be a great benefit as well. So, of course, the decision is yours whether or not to continue in a relationship with a partner who has mental illness. But I think if you are supportive of your partner as they seek treatment, and educate yourself about their prognosis, you will make a decision that you can accept without suffering needless guilt or personal recrimination. Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/can-i-divorce-a-spouse-who-has-a-mental-illness
“The sooner you say ‘Yes, it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it,’ the sooner you can get on with your own life.” — E. Annie Proulx, The Shipping News
We all accept, in principal, that life is hard and that “sh*t happens.” We just don’t want it to happen to us. When it does, we protest indignantly, “Why me?!” We harbor an unexamined presumption that misfortune should somehow bypass us. We should be encased in our own individualized iron domes to deflect incoming life assaults. But why the heck not us? We all agree, in the abstract, that a life devoid of struggle is a life devoid of growth. An old Arabian proverb states: “All sunshine makes the desert.” Think of the people you respect and admire the most in your life: Haven’t they had tough times and life blows to overcome? The question is not how to avoid life assaults but how to receive them when they hit. The answer lies in how we choose to think about these hardships, because how we think about life events determines how we feel about them, which, in turn, determines how adaptively we cope with them. Only in this way can we control the impact of life’s uncontrollable assaults. Can we accept life’s upheavals and soldier through them (which is not to say to masochistically welcome them!), or must we expend precious energies protesting them as unfair? One of my dear friends, a source of constant inspiration to me, suffered three profound losses in a single year: her son who was in a grisly factory accident, her beloved dog who was hit by a car, and her husband who dropped dead of a heart attack. She was remarkably courageous in the way she accepted these losses. She was, of course, beset by shocked grief at first, but then proceeded to mourn and honor their lost lives without bitter protest. With gratitude, she spoke of the happiness they each brought into her life; with tender amusement, she recalled their idiosyncrasies. And with robust open-heartedness, she goes on growing and living her life. In contrast, a patient whom I’ll call “Ellen,” was pathologically locked for two years in mourning the death of her husband. Daily, she railed against God for robbing her of his companionship. She grew embittered and calcified, refusing to grow into the hole he left behind by doing for herself what her husband had always done, e.g., arranging their social life, paying bills, servicing the car. She had seized up like a rusted hinge, immovable in her refusal to accept and adapt to her life’s upheaval. What emerged was that even more powerful than her grief in losing her husband was her fear of having to learn self-reliance after decades of living life as a “we” instead of a “me.” Her pathological mourning and helplessness kept other family members fulfilling the role vacated by her husband — but at the cost of her own growth and her family’s equanimity. Paradoxically, there is strength and wisdom in submitting to harsh realities. The fact is, we are more productive when we direct all our energies to embracing rather than resisting “what is.” Why? Because when we protest, we squander precious energy needed for coping, like driving with one foot on the brake. When we relax, release and open fully to the realities confronting us, we can be far more creatively resourceful than when we recoil from “what is” with clenched fearfulness. We can choose to think flexibly and adaptively, rather than rigidly and maladaptively, by redefining painful life blows as opportunities to evolve. Suffering is what grows the soul. Suffering is the “rock-tumbler” of life, within which the nuggets of our battered selves get polished into our highest and best selves. “A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships. The gem cannot be polished without friction.” — Danish proverb Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-rasmussen/overcoming-hardship_b_2294349.html
Under the best of circumstances, being a parent can sometimes be tough. The expectations, responsibilities and realities of day-to-day life often interfere with the image of what we thought parenting would be like.
When a family faces challenging times — illness, loss of a job, the end of the marriage, financial stress or a myriad of other problems life sometimes throws our way — parenting can be even more difficult, especially when there is just not enough time, energy or resources. As a country, we have just experienced one of the most difficult financial downturns in decades. Millions of families were directly or indirectly affected by it. or many, times are still tough and yet, their dreams and hopes for their families haven’t wavered. How do you successfully parent when so many resources that many of us take for granted aren’t available to you? What if you don’t have the ability to send your children to the best schools, pay for extracurricular activities that could bring great benefit or give them the things that every other child seems to have? What’s a family to do? 1. Develop and maintain clarity about what’s really important. That’s often easier said than done, especially when we’re experiencing stress. But if we are clear about the kind of character we want our children to have, we can teach and model the values and attributes that are most important to us. It doesn’t cost money to be honest, kind, hard-working and principled. Many successful adults have come from families without great means. And many children who have been raised with vast financial privileges have failed to go on to create a life of value and purpose. 2. Focus on quality time together. When we’re experiencing stressful times, it’s natural to spend every waking minute worrying or feeling fearful about the future. But worry and fear don’t solve problems. Giving whatever precious free time and energy we have to unproductive emotions simply drains us more. If we can develop the discipline to do everything we can to solve the problems at hand, then for a few hours a day let go of what might happen in the future so we can more fully be with our family, everyone will benefit. Have a game night. Read a book out loud to each other. Be in nature. Explore whatever your child is interested in together. Sit down individually and as a family and make a list of what enjoyable activities you can do that involve little or no costs. Then, set aside as much time as you can each week to do some of those things. 3. Find support. Maybe your family of origin isn’t available to help. Or maybe their worldview isn’t one that matches with yours. But if we have just one person we can turn to when we’re down, who can help us remember what’s important, we are reminded that we aren’t alone in our efforts. And if you can’t find anyone to fill that role, think about finding articles, videos, or books about on parenting or other people’s lives and how they persevered and overcame obstacles to keep you going. 4. Give yourself credit. Maybe you can’t do or give everything you’d like to your children. But stop and think about what you are providing and the lessons you are teaching them. What children need most is to be loved, valued, and supported for who they are.
No matter what your circumstances, or whether you’re experiencing tough times or not, paying attention to what’s really important, focusing on spending quality time with your family, finding ways to support yourself and making sure you’re giving yourself credit for all that you are providing your children helps you to feel better about the parenting process. And, it enriches your children in ways that all the materials items in the world cannot do. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jan-cloninger-and-rosemary-strembicki-lcsw/when-times-are-tough_b_4941272.html
