Tuesday, 22 May 2018

3 Things You Should Do To Overcome Sadness

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ~ Khalil Gibran

I was talking to a dear friend of mine recently and he was asking me who is the person I admire the most and why. The interesting thing I realized while giving him the answer was that the person I deeply admire is somebody who experienced a great deal of pain during his lifetime and what made me admire him so much was his attitude and how he always come out as a better not a bitter person from all of these challenges.

How many of us are really capable of dealing gracefully with pain, stress, anxiety, and many other negative emotions? What I want you to achieve is grace under pressure and even though it may seem like an impossible task to do, it really isn’t. There are so many other tips to share on the subject but today I will share these three things, and if you do them, believe me, your life will get better and better and you will manage to deal with life’s challenges a lot more effective and in a more graceful manner.

Just know that “the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming. ~ Helen Keller

Whether it’s you who is in sadness or somebody you love and care about, acknowledging and acting upon these 3 things will help you feel a lot better.


1. Let go of the pain. This too shall pass.

Things, people, events, they just come and go, nothing really lasts forever and the same with your not so happy feelings. What I usually do when I feel like my world is coming to an end, and yes, that happens to me too, it to think of a time when I was down, a time when I felt really sad and blue, a time when I felt like the whole world would come to an end, and I had no way to escape, and I use that as proof that what my mind is telling me is not always true.

It is so important to work on making your mind work for you and not against you, because you see, in order for you:

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.” ~ Buddha

2. Let go of resistance as best you can.

Even though it may seem that you talking about the things that are going wrong in your life will help solve the problem and make you feel better, the truth is that it will not, and just like Carl Jung said it, and I have experienced this myself so many times,

“What you resist not only persists but will grow in size.”

Do you understand why that is? Every time you insist on the pain, and every time you insist on talking about how much you are suffering, to yourself and to those people who are there to listen, you are in fact contributing to the growth of that pain, you are feeding it and you are building more and more pain on top of what already is!

Just imagine that I gave you a clean sheet of paper and I asked you to draw a very small dot on that paper, right in the center. Looking from the distance, does the dot seem significant to you? I wouldn’t think so. But what if I asked you to take a magnifying glass and move closer and closer to that dot? You will for sure feel like the dot is all there is, it will seem huge, right? The same with your pain. It’s not that big of a deal, even though right now, in this moment you might think otherwise, it really isn’t. This too shall pass.

Do you want to focus on the things that upset you and work on increasing the pain, or do you want to focus on those things that make you feel good about yourself and your life? It’s just a matter of choosing where to focus your attention, shifting your focus away from what you don’t want towards the things you do want, from unhappy to happy. It is a choice, and it’s always your choice. So chose to always focus on what you want, not what you don’t want and move in that direction.

3. Change your attitude.

If you ask me, a lot of our pain is caused because of our attitude, because of our perception on the good and the bad, because of our expectations on how things should be. When you expect something to happen and it doesn’t, how do you feel? You feel sad, depressed, you feel disappointed and you might even start telling yourself that you are a failure, that things will never go the way you want them to, that your end is near, and of course, you can add some other things to the list if you want, but that’s not really what we are after here, right? But then again, if you choose to argue over your pain, it will surely be yours.

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
The moment you stop and look at things from a different perspective, the moment you chose to change your attitude toward life, life will start to change its attitude towards you, and from that moment things will never be the same again, because you see, just like Wayne Dyer said it,

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Everything changes the moment we decide to change and the whole world will start to revolve around us because you see, we do matter for the world, we matter a lot.

Source: https://www.purposefairy.com/5426/3-things-you-should-do-to-overcome-sadness/

Monday, 21 May 2018

Effective Divorce Advice for Men with Children

Divorce, no matter how smooth or difficult the process might be, it is a major change for everyone involved, and as such, it is an unknown situation with unknown outcomes. So, don’t be afraid to ask for help and guidance. Here are some of the most important things you should know about how to make the divorce as unproblematic as possible.
Understand what it means for the children

It is easy to get tangled up in the bitterness about the approaching divorce. Nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself focused on your own feelings and worries. You’re also going through a change that you weren’t prepared for, weren’t planning on some years ago when you said your “I do”.

Yet, your children are even less prepared for it. No matter how many signs there could have been along the way, almost all children still never expect their parents to split, even when they are already in their teens. This is why it will be your responsibility as their father to learn about what the divorce means for them, and to respect their pain.

You can begin by doing some research online about what the children of divorcing parents are going through. But, it might be an even better idea to talk to a psychologist about what your children will experience, how it will affect them, how they might react, and how to make the process as smooth as possible. In all cases, you need to talk to your children, learn how to get into their shoes and try to help them resolve their doubts and fears.

Practice restraint and kindness

Yes, there are not-so-ugly divorces. Some even speak of friendly and cheerful separations. Yet, for the majority of divorcing fathers, it is a period in which the ugliest and the nastiest come to the surface, both from you and your ex-wife. It can even start resembling a war, with the sides resorting to any means necessary.

Under those circumstances, one can easily get dragged into resentment, anger, hostility, and aggression. Yet, for men with children, letting your anger go loose is not a good idea, as you’re not hurting only your wife and yourself, but also very much your children. Therefore, find a way to get in touch with your best self, and practice kindness, gentleness, and tolerance. Only in such situation will you truly help your kids adapt to the change and maintain the relationship with both of their parents.

Know your rights and obligations

Getting a divorce often means that you will now not only have your separate household to care about but also that you will have to think about alimony and child support now. The rules regarding these aspects of a divorce can be quite intricate. Then there’s the specific agreement you might have made with your ex-wife. For it all to go painlessly, you should get informed about all your obligations and possible consequences of not obeying the court’s decision.

Furthermore, if you get joint custody, it also comes with a set of both rights and obligations. And it can be quite difficult to handle. This is why you should know all about the logistics of joint custody, your children’s wishes, and your responsibilities. And most importantly, even in the most civil post-divorce relationships, joint custody can cause friction. Be sure you’re on the same page with your ex on all major aspects of how it is going to work.

Be mindful about dating

Finally, now a single man again, you will probably start thinking about dating again soon, if you haven’t already. Yet, as a father, you need to consider how this will affect your children as well. You deserve to regain your personal life, that is certain, but be sure to talk to your children about it before you embark on that path. Because you never know where the next big romance can come out of, and your children need to be prepared for another change when and if it comes.

Divorce is different for everyone. But even when it is the beginning of a new refreshed life, for men with children it is never a clean cut. Regardless of your relationship with your ex-wife, the children will always be your children, and you need to find the right path for your family, one that works for all of you the best.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/divorce-advice-for-men-with-children/

Saturday, 19 May 2018

10 Tools for Restarting Your Life

Start small and don’t put too much pressure on yourself

For many, finding their way through the next year will feel like starting over. Not a completely horrible prospect, but the workload can be daunting. Here are some tips to help you create some new beginnings and make your life a little more emotionally fit in the process.

  1. Starting over is not the same as recouping from a failure. It is a new beginning, and you have gained experience and knowledge to help you reach your goals. Reignite your passion by imagining what it will feel like when you achieve the desired result.
  2. Moving through life is like climbing stairs. You go up a step or two, and then you level off and you may go down a step, but you are still higher than you were. That’s the process of life (and therapy) nothing is ever a straight shot. Have some patience with yourself and with your newfound direction.
  3. You can create a whole new life if you want it. You just have to approach it in the right way. Sometimes little ideas can turn into big things. Visualize a positive outcome for your issue. Medical doctors recommend visualization to patients with chronic and potentially fatal illnesses. If it can help them, it can do the same for you.
  4. Endings are not necessarily bad things. Even if you lost your job, savings or home, what comes to you in the future may be better than what you had. Sometimes the phoenix has to burn, so it can rise again.
  5. Starting over may feel scary, but it can be a cause for celebration. Think of it as exciting, and many of your anxious feelings will begin to fade. The truth is that anxiety and excitement feel exactly the same to the body. It’s our minds that make it scary versus exhilarating.
  6. Remember that your future is not governed by your past. No matter what has happened in your life, you can find a way to make things a little better for yourself, and hopefully for those around you as well.
  7. Having to start over is different from choosing to start over. For many whose lives are still in chaos because of the trying times we are in, starting over is not a choice. It can be hard to accept support from others. If you find it difficult to take that in, just promise yourself that you will return the favor and do something to “pay it forward” as soon as possible.
  8. Healthy alternatives to negative lifestyle patterns abound. If you can’t stop a bad habit, start by cutting back. It’s okay to give yourself a little time to moderate or stop something that’s hurting you.
  9. Starting over is about creating and reaching new goals. We are happiest when we’re moving toward a goal. It’s not all about the end result, in fact when you do achieve a dream you must find a new one as soon as possible in order to stay emotionally fit. Think about it this way, you can either be green and growing or ripe and rotting. Which do you prefer?
  10. Starting over is about giving yourself a chance at real happiness. You will have to be brave and get good at learning new things, but how bad can that be? At the very worst, you will acquire the skills you need to start on the next project.

Finding ways to begin anew will give you energy. The excitement of moving toward what you want will also bring you happiness. Just start small and don’t put too much pressure on yourself, you’ll get there sooner than you think.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201212/10-tools-restarting-your-life

Friday, 18 May 2018

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is a gift I want to offer you.

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
(Deuteronomy 30:19)

We are born into a world that is not of our making. We are given a place to grow up, parents, a family, a home, neighbors, teachers, friends—and an era in which we evolve. We don't get a choice in so much that really counts. Are you good looking, ugly or in the middle? Are you smart, challenged or just different? Are you tall, short—skinny, heavy—charismatic, marginalized—befriended or alone? Are your parents happy or even together? Do you have a brother or sister that you are close to - or are you bullied relentlessly? Are you born into a time of peace or a time of war, a time of impoverishment or a time of plenty, a time of faith or a time of cynicism? If you take a deep breath and look at the circumstances of your early life, you will have to see that the whole project is essentially unfair. Some people are born into riches of all kinds, while others are burdened from the very beginning.

Then you live your life. You make decisions, meet people, and navigate through school and more. We all try. It is absurd to call people lazy. But some certainly have a harder time than others. With luck, someone loved you. Someone believed in you and in turn, you began to believe in yourself. If you were a more sensitive soul, you may have been injured by the numerous selfish people that you met along the way; and they are everywhere (welcome to the human condition). Some of these wounds can last a lifetime, leaving you feeling stupid, unwanted, second best and so on. If you were what E. James Anthony called The Invulnerable Child, you were able to pull yourself up from nothing and make something of yourself: look at Presidents Clinton and Obama, two men who had weak paternal support and nonetheless, perservered. There are so many stories and your unique life is one of them.

Radical Acceptance is a gift—and I want to offer it to you. We must accept what happens to us. That doesn't mean that we like it or that it is fair. Life is not fair. If you are in the midst of a divorce, you gave up so much to make your marriage work. It didn't. If he left you, then you are probably holding a bag of resentment and hurt. If you left him, you've been grieving the loss of your marriage for some time. It is a big loss. We all want to rage at the world, or crawl into a depressed spot when we feel the injustice and randomness of our pain.
article continues after advertisement

Or perhaps you were traumatized by an accident, an illness, a corrupt business deal, a rapist, the death of a child, Mother Nature. All this happens in this world and it may happen to any of us. As we age we grow wiser as the invincibility of youth is supplanted by the vulnerability of maturity. Kids simply don't know how precious happiness really is. It is a golden moment to be celebrated and cherished. And when you have love, grab it. I often say to my patients, "Grab the good, because the bad will surely find you."

When injured by others or by circumstance, I encourage you to feel it all; the outrage, the hurt, the questioning of your Maker, the fear of what will be coming next—if anything. This is grief work and it is a necessary part of healing. It is the spiritual equivalent to the body slowly healing a bad wound. It starts off in pain, and then remains tender, and when protected and soothed, a wound eventually heals. And scars are a sign that the body did its job. Grief brings you through pain to disbelief, to anger, to "only ifs" to profound sadness, to loss - and then to acceptance. It gets triggered again and again, like tsunamis of anguish that take you over when you least expect it. But, over time grief does get worked through. The wound heals, even if imperfectly. We are left with acceptance - and I would like to argue - Radical Acceptance. It's a good thing.

There is something about the human condition in that we tend to hold onto bad memories more than good ones. We have sayings like, bad news travels ten time farther or faster than good news. It is probably evolutionary, because when survival was at stake, ancient homo sapiens had to remember where danger lurked. Their very survival depended on it. So, remembering the bad had value - but in the twenty first century, this quality provides us with too much pain and it is not worth it anymore. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a dramatic example of this biological safety mechanism gone terribly wrong.)

Radical Acceptance means that you understand that bad things do indeed happen to good people - and all the time. You can stay mired in your sense of injustice and self righteousness. You can develop an entire personality around your victimhood. But what purpose does it provide? An identity fueled by hurt and rage is a soul that is preoccupied by control and not love. You lose a second time because you become a victim of your own victimhood. And, in the worst case, you can become part of the problem. Very often, it was an injured soul or group that hurt you in the first place. A cycle of victims and oppressors does our species little good.

We must accept. Not in the classic Buddhist sense of non attachment. We should be attached. A wrong is a wrong; and it needs to be righted if possible. But we must start with the understanding that what happened to us is part of the quixotic human condition. From acceptance comes clarity - and from this place, you will be more able to make a difference. If you were married to a narcissistic man, for instance, mourn the loss that you may never have really been loved. Get over it, because you will have to coldly deal with his manipulations—and your outrage will only play into his charismatic hands. If your older sister was preferred by your father because she was beautiful and you were just smart, get over it. Let go. Radically accept your father's stupid (but human) mistake. It cost you. No question. You are angry and perhaps have a chip on your shoulder. Forgive and grieve the father that you wish you had. He was just coarsely human - like most of us. This kind of acceptance is the end stage of healthy grief - it will probably make you easier to live with - and give you much needed peace.

Radical Acceptance is an evolutionary good - if not a spiritual good as well. Most of us don't have to worry about wild beasts attacking us. We can learn from our misfortunes. We just don't want to be irreparately damaged by them. To accept means to see things clearly. It reinforces the notion not to give a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it. You don't have to walk around feeling like a victim in order to protect yourself.

You see, acceptance doesn't mean passivity. It means freedom.

Let there be a blessing for us all to be free to see the world as it is, with its dangers—and its gifts. Grieving our losses is only a first step towards the wisdom of enjoying what is to be enjoyed. Most of us have blessings if only we permit ourselves to see them. Ironically, as we shed our expectations we become lighter and more open to every moment that we live.

Grab the good when it comes by. The bad will find you where you are.

It is the way of things.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201201/radical-acceptance

Thursday, 17 May 2018

Emotional Divorce – What It Is and How It Occurs

Emotional divorce is a sort of a defense mechanism, or purely coping with a threat to one’s emotional well-being. It can happen before or after the legal divorce, and psychologically, it might be more important than the actual signing of the divorce papers. For the spouse who divorces themselves emotionally prior to the legal divorce, it is a sort of an introduction to the inevitable end of the marriage. And for the spouse who divorces themselves emotionally after the divorce itself, it is a sort of a closure.

Emotional divorce and falling apart of marriages

Marriages don’t just explode all the sudden. Although many divorces do seem as if an H-bomb was just dropped, their end was long approaching. And, even though the spouse who gets left behind often expresses their surprise, most often, it is not really a wonder, rather pain and fear.

Marriages fall apart for many reasons. Unfortunately, the majority of issues might have been resolved with one solution – better communication skills. Because rarely any issue is too big to handle if the two who once decided to spend their lives together just sit and respectfully and assertively talk about it, and search for solutions as a team.

Once the couple hits the roadblock and conflicts stop to get resolved, the end of the marriage becomes much more likely. But, even before that, with every hurtful remark that didn’t meet an apology, or every fight that didn’t end in reconciliation and adaptive addressing of the problem at hand, the marriage erodes.

Emotional divorce from the perspective of the walk-away spouse

For many reasons, in unhealthy or eroding marriages, there is a lot of emotional hurt. And couples deal with it in different ways. They almost always keep on trying for some time. But, without an out-and-out change of the basis of the marriage, it is usually inevitable that the spouses, or one of them, begins the emotional divorce to ease the pain and to help his or her wellbeing.

Emotional separation may occur for more than one reason. But, in essence, it is most commonly because the spouse crosses the line between tolerance for emotional stress and the need to feel well again. In other words, after a number of attempts, and a few different approaches, the walk-away spouse usually starts to regain their own individual boundaries, separated from those they shared with their spouse as a couple.

It is also usually that spouse who will initiate the divorce. They will start to be distant, sometimes even cold. They resent the other spouse’s continuous attempts to save the marriage, as they have given up on working on it. They just want the divorce to go smoothly, and after years of trying to fix the marriage, they just want their own happiness now.

Emotional divorce from the perspective of the left-behind spouse

Interestingly, although things would have been apparent to anyone from the outside of the marriage, the spouse who gets left behind is often in shock when the walk-away spouse requests a divorce. This is because they weren’t ready for the emotional divorce yet, they wanted to keep trying to mend the marriage.

The spouse who gets left behind usually still searches for ways to save the marriage, although at that point it becomes impossible. So, they become clingy, often beg for another chance, and their panicky behavior gradually becomes more and more intense. This sometimes reaches the point of rather odd behavior, such as stalking, threatening, harassing, etc.

The left-behind spouse usually goes through severe levels of anxiety over how their future alone will look like. Being single again might sound like a hell on Earth. This is why most of the left-behind spouses try to find a way to postpone the divorce, to stall because they are still hoping that the walk-away spouse will have a change of heart.

What it is that you can do if left behind

If you found yourself in the second position, there are a few things you can (and must) do. First of all, you have to accept the reality. Your spouse has decided, and they decided upon long and careful deliberation. What you need to do now is to accept their decision. It is no longer in your power to fix the marriage, but you can improve the relationship between the new roles of ex-spouses.

The second important thing to work on at this stage is regaining control over your emotions. You cannot push your spouse back to loving you and back to marriage. But you can control your own emotions and reactions, and regain balance for yourself. By accepting the reality, you will begin to heal.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/emotional-divorce-what-it-is-and-how-it-occurs/

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

How Overcoming Adversity Can Shape You Into A Better Person

Although life isn’t easy, whether it’s been good or bad, everything is a part of the journey.
These are the experiences and lessons that we are to draw strength from and build upon to help us in our future. There isn’t a handbook warning us of the plight and pain we will face, but there is a solution.

The solution is this: work to overcome adversity instead of falling prey to them.
I know what you’re thinking: sounds easy, but how do you do it?

My Experience Overcoming Adversity

Three years ago, my life was wonderful. My children brought a light to my life that could never burn out and my marriage carried as much joy as one possibly could have. I had forgiven the people that caused the painful situations in my childhood and let it all go. I spent my time inspiring others to do the same so they could focus on what was important.

And then, things changed. I was diagnosed with multiple brain aneurysms and my life changed forever, for the better.

I’ve definitely had my share of experience overcoming adversity. When I encountered a new situation that seemed completely devastating, I began to reflect on the strength that was born inside of me out of the very pain I was experiencing.

There came a point when I accepted a fact of life: that just because you experience trauma, pain, and negative situations that leave a deep scar across your heart, doesn’t mean they should hold you back. After all, there will be more hurdles to jump. It’s how you decide to handle it that will make the difference in your future.

But how do you reframe the way you handle difficulties in life? There are steps you can take so that overcoming obstacles can be possible for you.

Tips On Overcoming Adversity

1. Have faith in yourself

Faith is required when overcoming adversity. Believe you can by telling yourself, “I am going to overcome this.” Your state of mind is more important than the situation, because that is where courage, strength, and miracles are born.

2. Know you have nothing to lose
Faith is powerful when you truly believe – so believe, as you have nothing to lose except worry, fear, and things you can’t control. You just need to get over this hurdle.

3. Remember: this isn’t the end
Understand that whatever you are faced with is a part of life’s experiences, and it won’t be the first nor last. Use it to cultivate a stronger version of you.

The Takeaway
I didn’t know about all of the challenges I had awaiting me, but I wasn’t afraid to face them or fight. Overcoming adversity can give you even more faith, strength, courage and a desire to make your life count. Let your obstacles give you yet another reason to appreciate your life, along with everything in it.

Source: https://inspiyr.com/strength-courage-overcoming-adversity/

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Life After Divorce

“I want a divorce”.

There are few things more devastating to hear in a marriage. Knowing that your partner wants you to split up is painful, shocking, and can make you feel like nothing will ever be the same again.

And quite honestly, it’s true. Things won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean they have to be terrible. Divorce is difficult, and painful, but the end of the road can be filled with new opportunities and a new life that you truly enjoy.

If you’re facing a divorce or have recently gone through one, take heart. These simple tips will help you get back on your feet, and find a healthy way to start over.

Let yourself grieve

You can get through divorce and feel happy again, but you’re not going to feel good straight away. The end of a marriage is one of the most challenging things you can face, and it’s natural to feel the whole gamut of emotions from rage to heartbreak to denial. So let yourself feel them.

It’s okay to take some time out to recover from the pain of divorce. You will feel better – but don’t expect to feel fine by next week. Give yourself time and be patient with yourself.

Get some support

A good support network is an absolute must if you’re going through a divorce. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or close family members and talk to them about what you’re going through. You might even consider getting a therapist to help you work through the more difficult emotions and set you on the path to healing.

One word of caution though – if you have kids, don’t let them become your support network. That’s not their role, and will only put undue stress on them. Ditto close mutual friends of you and your ex. Don’t make them feel like they have to choose sides.

Rediscover who you are

Chances are you gave up some of your goals or hobbies when you got married. All marriage is a compromise. While that’s absolutely part of a healthy marriage, it’s also true that rediscovering the things you gave up can help you heal after a divorce.

Did you love going out but your partner loved staying in? Did you love a certain movie or music genre that made their skin crawl? Was there a hobby you let slip away when you got married? Now is the perfect opportunity to revisit the things you used to love.

Let go of your ex

There is one thing you used to love (or perhaps still love) that you should never revisit though, and that’s your ex. Of course, if you have children you will need to work on a healthy co-parenting relationship. However, outside of childcare, try not to get too involved in your ex’s new life. It will only hurt you and make it harder to move on.

It’s also time to accept that things aren’t going to change. Whether you wish they’d change a certain behavior, or you’re wishing you could have one more try, it’s time to let go. It hurts now, but in the long run you’ll be much happier as a result.

Embrace change

There’s no two ways about it – everything changes after a divorce. You’ll be living alone for the first time in a long time, and possibly living in a new place, too. Your relationship status has changed. Even the way you parent or the hours you work could change.

The more you can embrace these changes, the easier it will be to build a good life for yourself post divorce. Instead of resisting change, try to embrace it. Take the opportunity to try out things you’d always meant to try. Visit that place you’ve always wanted to go, or try out a new hobby. Make change your friend and enjoy exploring your new life.

Take charge of your finances

Divorce often heralds a change in your financial life. After all, you’ve probably been pooling your resources and living as a two-income household for a while now. Divorce can be a financial shock, especially if you weren’t very involved in money management.

Taking charge of your finances as soon as you can will help you feel in control and able to plan for your future. Take a seminar or online course, or invest in some books or money management tools. Simply reading a few financial blogs will help. Do everything you can to keep yourself in the green and plan how to manage your money.

Enjoy being single

There’s always the temptation to throw yourself into a new relationship after a divorce. Adjusting to who you are without your partner takes time, though, and some time spent enjoying being single first will do you good.

Use this time to really get to know yourself and figure out what you want from life. Instead of pouring your energy into a new relationship, pour it into yourself. You’re your main priority right now, and dating will only complicate the healing process. Look after yourself first so that when you do get back into the dating game, you’ll know what you want out of it.

Divorce is a painful process, but it can eventually lead you into a better relationship with yourself and your life. Take care of yourself, be gentle as you go through the mourning process, and when you’re ready step out and embrace your new life.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/life-after-divorce/

Monday, 14 May 2018

12 Unexpectedly Wonderful Things About Life After Divorce

It's hard to get out of bed some days after divorce, let alone map out a future spent on your own. But at some point in the process, you start to realize that you're so much more than your relationship status and that life goes on -- and gets better -- after divorce.

Our readers and bloggers will tell you as much. Below, they offer 12 silver linings of divorce that surprised them most.

Your free time is entirely yours.

"These day, I'm able to do whatever I want at night. 'Greys Anatomy' marathon? Yes! Browse Pinterest for hours on end? Done! Not having to worry about ignoring or upsetting someone? Priceless." -Callie McCartney

You don't expect divorce to be a confidence booster -- but it can be.

"After my marriage ended, I doubted my ability to handle the divorce -- and definitely felt inadequate during and immediately after -- but once the dust settled, I was proud of myself for getting through it. Not only did I not fall apart, I was building a great life. I found myself on the other side and now know I can handle anything." -Rebecca Neville

If you have sole custody of the kids, you have full say in how they're raised.

"I always enjoyed spending time with my kids but getting to raise them on my own, I didn't know how much I would enjoy just being immersed in their lives. The rewards of being solely responsible for their well-being were enormous: The school conferences, concerts, sporting events, taking care of their worries, talking with them about first girlfriends, first boyfriends -- all of it -- gave me more joy than I ever thought possible." -Joseph Sender

Those eggshells you used to walk on? They're no longer there.

"My decisions are the ones that actually get made. I'm watching my daughter grow into the kind of woman I still hope to be when I grow up. Eggshells are simply eggshells now and not a metaphor I have to walk on." -Jayne Schroeder

Bye bye, in-laws.

"Let me tell you: The slow realization that you don't have to sit there and listen to your mother-in-law anymore is magical." -Amy Matthis Marsh

Being an every-other-weekend parent has its perks.

"I get to be an off-the-clock parent every other weekend. I don’t get a lot of time to myself, but when those weekends come, I can live like a 20-year-old bachelor. The dishes pile up in the sink and I can stay out as late as I want (or just be lazy and veg out on the couch and watch shows and eat junk food). I might see my kids at their lacrosse or soccer games, but if a change in the schedule happens, it’s not my problem that weekend!" -Jennifer Iacovelli

You realize you were both good people who were simply bad for each other.

"It's great being able to laugh and be myself without feeling guilty. He is a good man but we didn't make each other happy and he didn't 'get' me. I can be myself again now." -Rebecca Kenne

This is an opportunity to become a much better parent.

"Prior to our separation, I came home daily to a house that was riddled with stress created by me and my ex-wife. The cloud of tension was palpable. The stress of a marriage that was failing made me short, bitter and incapable of appreciating my children the way they deserved. Now I revel in the little moments that happen all the time in fatherhood. I don't blow up at small things that kids just do and it's made me and my sons closer than ever even though we see each other less." -Doug Ziegler

Your goals are no longer on the back burner.

"I've learned to take care of myself. I've gone from couch potato to finishing a half Ironman!" -Kris Fava

Every side of the bed is your side.

"Now that I'm divorced I can lay across the whole damn mattress." -Kelly-Anne Foley

Your post-divorce relationship with your ex may end up being better than the marriage itself.

"I come from a very small family. Divorce left me feeling alone after suddenly losing the only family I ever had, including in-laws and aunts, uncles and cousins on my ex's side. When I became friends with my ex's new wife, I was slowly included in family functions again. Over the years, my family has become larger than I ever dreamed possible -- including my son's stepmom's family. Despite our 'ex' titles, we're completely connected as a family. All of us." -Shelley Wetton

You get to rediscover who you are as a person.

"I'm rediscovering and building upon the once strong and independent person I had lost along the way. I've learned to like myself again." -Renée Benson

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/silverlinings-to-divorce_n_7495296

Saturday, 12 May 2018

How to Reboot Yourself

“Alright everybody…back to ones.”

This is what you’ll hear if you’re working on a film set and they’re going to reshoot a scene. I’ve been an extra in several films, and the more times I heard that phrase meant the more hours I was going to be spending on set that day. It wasn’t the greatest sentence to hear, but deep down I knew that the intent behind it was to get the scene completed just right. Going “back to ones” time and time again rebooted the scene until it worked.

There are times in our lives where we need to reboot ourselves. We get stuck in a pattern, follow the wrong path for too long or simply need a jolt; that’s when rebooting can be the best thing we can do. Think about when you reboot a computer: you’re essentially changing how it is currently functioning (usually slowly and sluggishly) and getting it back to where it was when you first powered it up. You’re not changing the entirety of the computer, just the way it is currently operating. When you reboot yourself, you’re doing the same thing. You’re not changing the inner workings of yourself, you’re changing how you’re currently operating.
But rebooting yourself isn’t as easy as pressing a power button or holding down control-alt-delete. There’s more to it than that.

Remove Yourself

When you are going about the reboot process, you need to step back and steer clear of whatever it is that you’re doing that is causing the need to reboot. That may mean taking a day off of work mid-week or taking a trip to get away from it all so that you can get clear with yourself. Regardless, it has to be something that you would not normally do. Calling in sick mid-week or taking one of your vacation days to break the pattern of a steady work week is one method. Using paid vacation to go as far away from what’s got you stuck is another. This isn’t running away from the problem – this is putting yourself in a place where you can really look at it and decide what the next step is. The goal is to reset yourself and you can’t do that when you’re still “on”.

Rest Yourself

Once you’ve taken the time to get clear on your next move, take the time to enjoy that moment. When a computer reboots it takes a bit of time to refresh itself. You don’t press the power button and see it instantly turn back on. It spends time getting ready for what’s next. That’s what you need to do.

You need to reflect on what you’ve decided to do and why you’ve decided to do it – and then look forward to what’s next. There’s no clutter involved, no stress. You’re just warming up. You’re getting ready to go. That takes time and energy. So rest up…and then go.

Recognise Yourself

Now that you’re clear and rested, recognize what you’re going to do to keep operating at the level you need to without having to reboot again anytime soon. Rebooting slows you down initially but once you’re up and running again you start to progress rapidly – as long as you stay focussed on what your intention is. You need to recognize this and act on it, otherwise you’ll be rebooting yourself again far too soon.

If you do end up having to reboot yourself too often for your liking, then there’s a bigger problem. You’re worn out in the current situation and no reboot can sustain you for very long. That’s when you need an overhaul. Coming to this conclusion also takes recogintion on your part, so having the awareness to recognize yourself in the rebooting process can save you a ton of time, enery and suffering in the future. As with a computer, there’s nothing more frustrating than having to constantly be rebooted. Recognize when a reboot works and when an upgrade is in order. It’s not just a time-saver – it’s a lifesaver.


Just as being stuck can be a stick in the craw of your productivity, so can not knowing how to get yourself unstuck. The next time you feel that you’d be better off just trudging through your difficulties, think about giving yourself a reboot. It may just be the wake-up call you need, and now you’ve got the tools to get it done.

Don’t quit on yourself and your situation. Take a page from technology and “force quit” what’s going on and fire yourself up again. You may find out a lot more about what’s going on inside you and whether or not you need to refresh your life – or if you need to upgrade your life.

Source: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/how-to-reboot-yourself.html

Friday, 11 May 2018

How to survive a divorce: find acceptance after falling apart

Amid the pain of a failed marriage, it is impossible to forgive your former partner. But it is possible to come to terms with the split – by admitting you have lost

We were together for 13 years. Some days it feels like I didn’t exist until the day we met. 
Other times it seems like it never happened.

I thought we had a whole life to spend together. We navigated foreign countries and slept on straw mats while lizards crawled on the ceiling and the ocean heaved and moaned outside. We sat bleary-eyed in emergency rooms at ungodly hours, taking turns holding our sick and wailing infant who would not be comforted. We stood hand in hand at the newly dug graves of parents, weeping and silently holding each other. We talked quietly for hours on couches, emptying bottles of wine and telling of our childhoods, our fears, the little triumphs that made us carry on.

But we also wove lies into the DNA of our relationship. Not maliciously, but childishly. Fearfully. We manipulated and tricked each other because we didn’t know the cost. We memorized each other’s scars and picked at them to to get what we wanted. We abused each other’s trust. We allowed our trust to be abused. We were only afraid of being alone. Of being wrong.

I thought we had a whole life together, but it turns out it was only a couple of chapters. The realization that your marriage is over is so cumbersome, so all-consuming, that your brain can only process it in pieces. You drive past an apartment building and wonder what it would be like to live in a cozy studio there. You stand in the grocery store and imagine how your life would be different if you’d ended up with that woman who is taking forever to pick out a bottle of olive oil. You lie in bed at night so far off in your imagination that you forget that your wife is lying asleep next you. You realize you’re living your life as though she isn’t even there.

You don’t yet know that your marriage is over. These thoughts don’t fully register. They float in and out like small pieces of trash in between chunkier, more graspable thoughts like “we need more eggs” or “I should call someone about the sound the dryer is making”. So when the end finally materializes, it is like finally coming face to face with a horrifying and yet entirely predictable demon. It was in the house the whole time. And once it is freed, it attacks your body in slow motion, the grief of it devouring you seemingly cell by aching cell.

You develop impossible obsessions. Two weeks after my wife left, I was driving our kids to an amusement park and George Jones’s She Thinks I Still Care came on during an NPR interview. I became fixated on learning the chords and playing the song. For six months, I played it compulsively. I sang it in the shower, I serenaded my kids to sleep with it, and woe unto anyone who happened to be in the same room with me and a piano; they’d be treated to the most morose and self-pitying rendition in the history of mankind.

You feel like a failure. You can take struggling at your job, health problems, money challenges. These are all things that you feel you can survive as long as you don’t have to do them alone. But losing your marriage leaves you feeling like you are without purpose, like you have permanently and irrevocably failed at the single most important thing in your life.

You sit comatose in front of your television until the sun sets, only to lie awake at night listening until the silence hurts your ears. You cry until you dry heave. And after that comes the emptiness, both outside and in, that makes you feel how lonely you truly are.

For the first year or so, you keep the relationship going. Not willing to admit it’s truly over, the both of you keep playing the game. You push her buttons, she pushes yours. Your intimate knowledge of one another, the secrets you once whispered in close moments, are now weaponized. You remember years ago, when the two of you were barely in your twenties, you saw a couple fighting on the street. You said: “Why is it so hard for people to let go?” And she said: “Because you can never let someone walk away with all your secrets.” Hearing her say that, you fell in love all over again; her intelligence, her emotional courage, her understanding of what makes our hearts work. Over a decade later, you hate her for those things and how she uses them against you. You hate yourself for how you use them against her.

The reason it is so difficult to have a healthy relationship with the person you’ve divorced is because no matter how well you learn to get along, no matter how thorough and exhaustive the amends that are made, it is impossible to completely forgive someone who has meant this much pain. It is simply too much. It is impossible to completely forgive someone whom you once loved so deeply.

It has been six years since our marriage ended. The pain has not been healed. It has been dulled to the point where it no longer keeps me up at night. We have two children, a teenager and a pre-teen whose lives and struggles and needs are such that the two of us must talk and strategize together every day. We function well. We don’t fight. We don’t say terrible things to our kids about one another. We have dinners and brunches together. We don’t hate each other.

But it is not easy. The cost of this peace and relative civility is this: you have to admit that you have lost. You have to admit that what the two of you tried to do is over. And that it can never be resurrected. You must concede that you will never get what you want from the other person, and you must stop punishing them for that.

You must accept the distance that now exists between the two of you. They no longer belong to you. Your marriage no longer belongs to you. You must forgive them for being the person that they are. You must forgive yourself. The two of you were young. You tried to make a love. You didn’t know how. It could have been different. But it was not. Your very best wasn’t good enough.

To survive divorce, you must find acceptance for this. Even if you can’t ever find forgiveness.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/16/how-to-survive-divorce

Thursday, 10 May 2018

Seven Ways to Thrive After Divorce

How to Enjoy Life After Divorce

Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. 
She has a program to offer as well.

After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life.
It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you.

Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1) Treasure Your Magnificence
Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference
During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3) Learn to let go
Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go!

A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I‘m being angry, the other person is out dancing.”

4) Lighten-up
Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up!

Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life.

So how do we live in the present?

If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. 
Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you.

To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5) What Makes You Truly Happy?
What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass!

Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own.

When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?
Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.

To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy.

A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion.

If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy?

One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly.

7) Be True To Yourself
During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I?

It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry!

If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun!

In summary:
Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step.

To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone?

Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine?

- Will I always feel this lonely?
- I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life.
- I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life!
- How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis?
- Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life?

If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce

Wednesday, 9 May 2018

Coping with Divorce-Related Anger

Rose was so mad she could hardly see straight. She and her husband, Jim, were six months into their "trial separation" when she discovered that he had been dating someone else. Reeling from the impact of the painful news, she sped over to his new apartment, intent on learning every last detail about the new woman in his life. Her heart pounded and terrifying questions flashed through her mind as she drove: "How could he have lied to me? Who was this other woman? Was she attractive?" And, perhaps worst of all, "What was I thinking when I suggested that we should separate?"

At Jim's apartment, a deep and uncontrollable rage rose up inside Rose's chest as she pounded her fist again and again on the dining-room table. "How could you do this to me?" she cried, as Jim sat and watched, white-faced and speechless as the breakfast dishes flew off the table and smashed into pieces on the floor. He had no idea how to react – or how to begin to defuse the scene that was unfolding in front of him...

Anger is a very familiar emotion for all of us. And in healthy relationships, it can be an overwhelmingly positive force in our lives. “Healthy anger can tell us if there’s something wrong – something painful and threatening that we need to take care of,” says Dr. M. Chet Mirman (Ph.D.), a licensed clinical psychologist at The Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago. “It helps us protect ourselves, and lets us know when people are crossing our boundaries.”

But for couples who are going through separation or divorce, anger is often anything but healthy. When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s often used as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage; for some people, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Divorce anger allows someone to punish his/her ex while maintaining an ongoing (bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a situation that leaves both partners in divorce limbo: a perilous situation that obstructs growth and self-awareness.

Some people hold onto their anger so tightly that their rage takes over their whole lives, coloring and informing all their thoughts and actions. They weigh every action to see how much emotional or physical harm it will inflict on their ex-spouse – even simply being a nuisance will do in a pinch – without seeing the injuries they may be inflicting on innocent victims.

Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life. Here's how to cope.

Divorce anger is also often expressed through the legal process itself. It’s very important to remember that your lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or best friend. Expressing anger to your ex-spouse through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you – and the family resources – drained dry.

Using the court as a venue to vent your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very expensive (financially and emotionally). Unfortunately, the legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger. Dividing property (some of which has great sentimental value) and trying to prove your case for custody and/or support can be very emotionally charged because these issues underline what is being lost or changed because of your divorce. Some degree of upset is inevitable, but driving yourself alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face.

So how can you cope with divorce-related anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, and in finding constructive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both you and your former spouse are feeling now as you proceed through separation and divorce. 
“Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool, but if we use it destructively, all we do is scare people and alienate them,” stresses Dr. Andrea Brandt (Ph.D. M.F.T.), the author of Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (W. W. Norton & Company, 2014). “People have to learn to have anger work for them, not against them.”

Here’s some advice about coping with your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-related anger.

If You are Angry

  • Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail, suggests Dr. Brandt.
  • Shout it out. “If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body,” she adds.
  • Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Instead of directing your anger at your ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
  • Get some professional help. “Remember, anger acts as a shield. Your anger suppresses other vulnerable feelings that may be too hard to deal with. It’s easier to feel angry than to feel lost, confused, and worried,” says Dr. Mirman. “Talking to a professional can help you begin to feel those emotions you’ve been suppressing and move past the anger.” You could also benefit from a support or anger-management group where you can share your story and develop greater self-awareness around you anger.
  • Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Anger can be based on something that you observed or were told in early childhood, and that you grew up believing. Ask yourself if that belief is actually true, and if it’s still serving you well.
  • Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in which both partners were exactly equal in the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an even rarer couple in which one partner was solely at fault,” notes Dr. Ahrons.
  • Do some personal growth work. Your anger can help you identify old patterns, and then you can take the steps to stop repeating them.
  • Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger – and what triggers it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.
  • Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation or support or poisoning their minds against your ex. “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of expressing anger,” Dr. Ahrons says.
  • Keep conflicts at a moderate level, and choose your battles carefully. Expressing every little irritation and disagreement provokes resentment. Think about the most important issues – and let go of the small stuff.
  • Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
  • Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage . On average, experts say that the healing process takes about two years. “It’s important to realize how sad you are,” says Dr. Ahrons. “This won’t necessarily make you more vulnerable to your ex-spouse; your successful handling of your emotions puts you in a more powerful position.”
  • Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can become a comfort, a constant in our lives, but as long as you continue to nurse your anger against your ex, you will never have a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what your ex does, you can still choose forgiveness.

If your Ex is Angry

  • Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’s comments. Your ex may be feeling like he/she isn’t being heard; by really listening to his or her concerns, you may realize where the anger is coming from and identify what you can do to help.
  • Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk away from an angry attack if you can’t handle it. Say, “I think we need to take a break and continue this conversation when we’re both calm.” Put limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
  • Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness,” writes Dr. Ahrons. “If we are passive, it is like throwing more logs onto the fire...”
  • Defuse the situation . Try agreeing or sympathizing with your ex whenever possible. When you agree or offer a genuine apology, it tends to quiet people down pretty quickly. You’re not feeding the flames, so the anger usually starts to burn itself out.
  • Try not to take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally. Anger is a projection of your ex’s inner feelings; accept that he/she is angry because he/she is going through turmoil right now.
  • Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the anger. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can be effective when you’re listening to someone who’s really angry. A mantra can be helpful, too, adds Dr. Brandt. “If I’m speaking with someone who’s really angry at me, I’ll always say silently to myself, ‘This is good for our relationship.’”
  • Learn to recognize your own hot buttons. When someone pushes one of your buttons, your response is going to be way out of proportion to the offense. Instead, try thinking of you ex’s angry words as simple information rather than an attack.
  • Try to feel a little compassion – no matter how hard that may be. Your ex may be feeling fearful that they’ll be alone forever or that they’ll never see their kids again. Try to hear what’s beneath the anger; quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.
  • Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. “Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable,” says Dr. Brandt. If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the dirt and rocks.
  • Value your safety above all else. If your former partner’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundaries in place and communicate through a third party. Threats should always be taken seriously: remove yourself from the situation and refuse face-to-face contact if you sense any danger at all.

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

Coparenting course listed in best online courses of 2018!

I'm delighted to share that my digital video training course "Coparenting - The Theory And The Practice" has been listed in the Top 18 online Training Courses of 2018 related to Divorce.
To check out the full list and to access my course along with the other 17 you can head over to:
For this week only, the course is available on Udemy for only £9.99 (66% off the usual price) so if you're interested, there's no better time!