When my husband and I decided to separate recently, a world of single parenting came along with it. Sounds obvious, right? But I was so focused on the end of my marriage I hadn’t really stopped to consider the whole new world that awaited me. It wasn’t entirely foreign. I was brought up by a single mum, and I was a single mum once before for a year or so, but that was only to one child. Now there are three. I’m outnumbered. It’s been tough on the younger children, as they adjust to having two homes and wonder in their four- and six-year-old minds why we don’t all live together any more. We have the same conversations over and over, and I patiently explain that we think this is the best way for us all to move forward and be happy. But it’s been eight weeks or so, and we’re beginning to find our groove in our new version of normal. Things are calming down. The first month was a steep learning curve though. There were good days and bad days, of course, and not just for the children. Even when you know separation is what you want, it doesn’t make it easy. But I learned from the wisdom of women who have walked this road before me, and not only have I survived, I’m pleased to report I have found a way to thrive and be truly happy. So I thought I’d share a few things I learned in that first month, in the hope they might help you, if you’re going through the same thing.
This is a time to focus on yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary. Yes, you need to help your kids find their way in this new world too, but you can’t do that if you’re crying all the time, or feeling overwhelmed. Do what you need to do to be okay. Whether that’s seeing a counsellor, going for a run, getting a massage, eating a dozen doughnuts, or whatever makes you feel good.
Stop fighting with your ex. That bit is done. It doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. What matters now is keeping things calm and pleasant for the kids. Even if they’re still up for it, the best thing to do is smile and walk away to your peaceful home.
Accept help. Let friends come over and help you move furniture. Let your parents slip you some extra cash to help tide you over until things settle down. Let your bestie have your kids for a sleepover so you can have a night on the couch. Say yes. People want to help, and you need it right now.
Say yes to social invitations. You might not feel like going out, but your mates want to cheer you up and I promise you, it will do you the world of good. Just say yes, and then go. If you don’t feel like being there after half an hour, give yourself permission to go home. But don’t say no because you can’t imagine getting out of your sweats.
Make a list of stuff you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the time. I’ve got one list for when I’m on my own and one list for when I’m with the kids. That way when I get up in the morning, I don’t get that indecision paralysis and end up sitting on the couch being glum or frittering the days away. We’re out doing cool stuff we want to do.
Make your house your own. Redecorate. Buy new bed linen – and make it super girly or something that pleases you in a way you couldn’t have done when you were sharing that bed. Put pictures on the walls, and set aside that corner for your morning yoga sessions or whatever it is you’re into.
Expect things to suck sometimes. There will be sadness. There will be feelings of loss and bewilderment. Even if you’re the one who wanted the separation. But it’s okay to experience those – be patient, ride the wave and wait for it to pass. Because it will.
Try to avoid the obvious pitfalls of drowning your sorrows (a little bit is cool; a lot doesn’t help anyone), wallowing on the couch watching bad TV, and hiding away at home. And if you’re sharing custody of the kids, don’t leave all the housework for when they’re away. It’s good for kids to see (and help with) housework being done.
When my good friend confided last August that her husband had been hiring prostitutes and had a sex addiction, I launched into fighter mode. I berated everything about him — his judgment, his narcissism (my diagnosis, not a professional’s), his cowardice and his abdication of fatherly duties. My friend nodded as if on autopilot. She was depressed, yes. But I also assumed she was in crisis mode and needing a rescue. So I tried to rescue her. I cooked meals, pitched in for a house cleaner, set up informational interviews between her and prospective employers. In the months following her discovery of his addiction, she decided to file for divorce. As one of her sounding boards, I reacted with shock or fury each time he hurt her. I opined on her divorce settlements, urged her to put her kids in therapy and often circled back to what a jerk her ex was.
I thought I was being a good friend. But when two more friends told me of their pending divorces, I had a reaction that embarrasses me: exhaustion. Even though their situations were not about me, I had no idea how I’d summon the energy to help them fight as I had for my other pal. Once I stepped back, I understood that no one had asked me to fight the good fight; I’d ascribed myself that role thinking it was what a good friend would do. That reaction is common but not necessarily helpful, says Irene Lee, a therapist in Colorado who works with individuals, couples and families. “People tend to make situations about themselves, so a well-meaning person will start doling out advice without knowing all the facts and circumstances,” Lee says. “Emotional situations can trigger our own feelings and prejudices, and we project that onto the scenario presented to us.”
My response probably stemmed from unresolved issues regarding my own divorced parents and, later, a stepfamily. But that’s my problem. And their situation, I realized, was not an appropriate time for me to work out my own issues. So what’s a better reaction than telling your friend her ex is a loser who never deserved her? Listen. People going through divorce are bound to feel a world of emotions — sometimes all within 10 minutes — and a good friend listens to them and validates their feelings with empathy, not pity. My divorcing friends are doing better now. They generously shared with me what was most — and least — helpful from their friends. Here’s what they had to say: Don’t denigrate their spouse. Sure, they may be furious, and you’re welcome to affirm their emotions. But even when someone divorces over infidelity or abuse, they may still hold positive feelings for their partner. Often, an ex-spouse is still a co-parent, so it’s not helpful to label him a lazy jerk when your pal will be forever linked to this person. Lee advises focusing on your friend — not their spouse — and what your friend might need in the moment.
Don’t offer uneducated advice. Unless you’ve been through it, you probably don’t know what your state’s divorce laws are or what a fair settlement would be. “We tend to problem-solve,” Lee says. “It makes us feel better to be useful, but we often ‘solve’ a problem that hasn’t yet been declared a problem, which isn’t ours to fix anyway.” Better to listen to your friend and if there are areas where you might be able to help — such as a job search or finding an attorney — ask if she’d like help before diving in. Don’t insist on silver linings. You might think losing that dude who’s been dragging her down for years is going to be the best thing ever, but your friend doesn’t need a Pollyanna. Meet her wherever she is emotionally. If she’s feeling hopeful that divorce is the right step, support her decision and praise her for taking positive action. If she’s apoplectic at her soon-to-be-ex, give her space to vent. If she’s struggling and negative, accept those emotions and assure her that you love her and will be there for her. Remember: This is her experience, not yours. Don’t make vague offers of help. When she’s eyeball-deep in unraveling her life, it’s not helpful to say, “If you need anything, I’m here.” Instead offer concrete assistance. Tell her you’d love to watch her kids on Saturday to give her a break, or ask what day of the week would be good to drop by with dinner for her and her family.
Don’t tell them about someone else you know going through divorce. It may seem helpful to make your friend not feel like they’re alone. But, Lee says, they are. “Their situation is unique to them, and they don’t necessarily want to hear about someone else’s problems,” she says.
When was the last time you thought about life with your ex? Last week? Yesterday? Two minutes ago?
A month ago, a man named Joseph called me to tell me that he was four years post divorce, but he felt like he was stuck in his recovery. Not a day went by when he didn’t think about his wife—how much he missed her, how sad he was that she left him, and how lost he was in the world. He realized that the feelings he has now are only mildly less intense than those he had when her leaving was fresh. It’s normal and healthy to relive both good and bad moments in time when you were married. It’s an unavoidable part of the grief process. But there will come a day when, if you aren’t moving forward, the very same thoughts and feelings will be deemed unhealthy. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. If we don’t bounce back, that means the healing is stalled and it’s important to get a handle on why you might be stuck. How long your emotional recovery takes depends on a number of factors such as whether you saw the split coming, whether it was your choice, whether you were left for another, whether you have kids, whether you are self-supporting, whether you’re getting adequate help and whether you have the right resources and information around you, to name a few. There is a way out, but most people need some kind of help to get there. I can say this with confidence after 15 years of doing this work. I’ve seen who gets beyond the divorce and I see who gets stuck (and why). Seven Tools for Getting on the Other Side of Your Divorce Grief Those who get on the other side take advantage of a combination of at least three of the following seven tools: 1. They read books to help them sort out their experience and their feelings/reaction to the experience. 2. They have a strong support network that will go the distance with them (often friends and family are available for a couple of months but then you may feel like you’re a downer all the time or that you’re burdening them (or they stop taking or returning your calls!). 3. They journal. 4. They seek professional help. 5. They join a support group. 6. They allow themselves to be where they are and they don’t try to rush through the grief process or pretend to be further along than they are. 7. They want to feel better (this one may seem obvious but it's crucial to getting better!).
This week, one of my group members, Sally (not her real name), announced that, after 2 1/2 years, she feels she’s FINALLY getting past the divorce being her entire story. It was when she realized she had a “normal” weekend that she became aware that she was in the new chapter of her life—not waiting and wishing for it any longer! Because she’s been dealing with a narcissistic ex (one of the most difficult kinds of exes!), she has had to work hard on finding ways to minimize the impact of his cruel and often unpredictable treatment. She knows she will never get it right 100% of the time, but what’s so good is that she knows that it’s not about her (and the best part of her healing is that she now knows it never was about her!). She’s free to move on. And wow, does it feel great.
Along with participating in one of my groups, Sally was in individual therapy, she read lots of books on the subject and she was a big journal writer (there’s actually exciting new neuroscience showing the benefits of journaling* so, while it may seem passive, it’s actually moving the pain out of your brain!) She definitely wanted to feel better right from the start but she couldn't imagine how she'd ever get there. Joseph, on the other hand, assumed that time would heal his wounds and he was too proud to reach out for any kind of help. He didn't speak to anyone, didn't read anything (except maybe on-line tid bits once in a while), and he felt like such a loser that he didn't think he even deserved to feel better. As a result, he became stuck in his grief. But it’s never too late to reach out and I’m confident that Joseph will find his way through the process. Here are some books I suggest you read on healing and, if you’re interested, please contact me to join the 4-week Stronger Day by Day teleseries. There’s more information below: READING LIST: Stronger Day by Day, Susan Pease Gadoua Beyond Divorce, Jeannine Lee Splitting, Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger
As a marriage dissolves, some parents find themselves asking questions like, “Should we stay together for the kids?” Other parents find divorce is their only option. And while all parents may have many worries on their mind—from the future of their living situation to the uncertainty of the custody arrangement—they may worry most about how the children will deal with the divorce.
So what are the psychological effects of divorce on children? Researchers say it depends. While divorce is stressful for all children, some kids rebound faster than others.
The good news is, parents can take steps to reduce the psychological effects of divorce on children. A few supportive parenting strategies can go a long way to helping kids adjust to the changes brought about by divorce. The First Year After Divorce Is the Toughest
Divorce rates have climbed across the globe over the past few decades. It’s estimated that 48 percent of American and British children live in divorced single-parent homes by age 16.
As you might expect, research has found that kids struggle the most during the first year or two after the divorce. Kids are likely to experience distress, anger, anxiety, and disbelief. But many kids seem to bounce back. They get used to changes in their daily routines and they grow comfortable with their living arrangements.
Others, however, never really seem to go back to “normal.” This small percentage of children may experience ongoing—possibly even lifelong—problems after their parents’ divorce. The Emotional Impact Divorce Has on Kids
Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the entire family, but for kids, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating:
Young children often struggle to understand why they must go between two homes. They may worry that if their parents can stop loving one another that someday, their parents may stop loving them.
Grade school children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They may fear they misbehaved or they may assume they did something wrong.
Teenagers may become quite angry about a divorce and the changes it creates. They may blame one parent for the dissolution of the marriage or they may resent one or both parents for the upheaval in the family.
Of course, each situation is unique. In extreme circumstances, a child may feel relieved by the separation—if a divorce means fewer arguments and less stress. Stressful Events Associated With Divorce
Divorce usually means children lose daily contact with one parent—most often fathers. Decreased contact affects the parent-child bond and researchers have found many children feel less close to their fathers after divorce.
Divorce also affects a child’s relationship with the custodial parent—most often mothers. Primary caregivers often report higher levels of stress associated with single parenting. Studies show mothers are often less supportive and less affectionate after divorce. Additionally, research indicates their discipline becomes less consistent and less effective.
For some children, parental separation isn’t the hardest part. Instead, the accompanying stressors are what make divorce the most difficult. Changing schools, moving to a new home, and living with a single parent who feels a little more frazzled are just a few of the additional stressors that make divorce difficult.
Financial hardships are also common following divorce. Many families have to move to smaller homes or change neighborhoods and they often have fewer material resources. Remarriage and Ongoing Adjustments
In the United States, most adults remarry within four to five years after a divorce. That means many children endure ongoing changes to their family dynamics.
The addition of a step-parent and possibly several step-siblings can be another big adjustment. And quite often both parents re-marry, which means many changes for kids. The failure rate for second marriages is even higher than first marriages. So many children experience multiple separations and divorces over the years. Divorce May Increase the Risk for Mental Health Problems
Divorce may increase the risk for mental health problems in children and adolescence. Regardless of age, gender, and culture, studies show children of divorced parents experience increased psychological problems.
Divorce may trigger an adjustment disorder in children that resolves within a few months. But, studies have also found depression and anxiety rates are higher in children from divorced parents. Divorce May Increase Behavior Problems
Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behaviorthan kids from two-parent families. In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. Divorce May Affect Academic Performance
Children from divorced families don’t perform as well academically. Studies show kids from divorced families also score lower on achievement tests. Parental divorce has also been linked to higher truancy rates and higher dropout rates. Children With Divorced Parents Are More Likely to Take Risks
Adolescents with divorced parents are more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as substance use and early sexual activity. In the United States, adolescents with divorced parents drink alcohol earlier and report higher alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and drug use than their peers.
Adolescents whose parents divorced when they were 5 years old or younger were at a particularly high risk for becoming sexually active prior to the age of 16. Early parental separation has also been associated with higher numbers of sexual partners during adolescence. Problems That May Extend Into Adulthood
For a slim minority of children, the psychological effects of divorce may be long-lasting. Some studies have linked parental divorce to increased mental health problems, substance use issues, and psychiatric hospitalizations during adulthood.
Many studies provide evidence that parental divorce could be related to less success in young adulthood in terms of education, work, and romantic relationships. Adults who experienced divorce in childhood tend to have lower educational and occupational attainment and more employment and economic problems.
Adults who experienced divorce during childhood may also have more relationship difficulties. Divorce rates are higher for people whose parents were divorced.
Parents play a major role in how children adjust to a divorce. Here are some strategies that can reduce the psychological toll divorce has on children:
Co-parent peacefully. Intense conflict between parents has been shown to increase children’s distress. Overt hostility, such as screaming and threatening one another has been linked to behavior problems in children. But minor tension may also increase a child’s distress. If you struggle to co-parent with your ex-spouse, seek professional help.
Don’t put kids in the middle. Asking kids to choose which parent they like best or giving them messages to give to other parents isn’t appropriate. Kids who find themselves caught in the middle are more likely to experience depression and anxiety.
Maintain a healthy relationship with your child. Positive communication, parental warmth, and low levels of conflict may help children adjust to divorce better. A healthy parent-child relationship has been shown to help kids develop higher self-esteem and better academic performance following divorce.
Use consistent discipline. Establish age-appropriate rules and follow through with consequences when necessary. Studies show effective discipline after divorce reduces delinquency and improves academic performance.
Monitor adolescents closely. When parents pay close attention to what teens are doing and who they spend their time with, adolescents are less likely to exhibit behavior problems following a divorce. That means a reduced chance of using substances and fewer academic problems.
Empower your child. Kids who doubt their ability to deal with the changes and those who see themselves as helpless victims are more likely to experience mental health problems. Teach your child that although dealing with divorce is difficult, he has the mental strength to handle it.
Teach specific coping skills. Kids with active coping strategies, like problem-solving skills and cognitive restructuring skills, adapt better to divorce. Teach your child how to manage his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a healthy way.
Help your child feel safe and secure. Fear of abandonment and concerns about the future can cause a lot of anxiety. But helping your child feel loved, safe, and secure can reduce the risk of mental health problems.
Attend a parent education program. There are many programs available to help reduce the impact divorce has on kids. Parents are taught co-parenting skills and strategies for helping kids cope with the adjustments.
Seek professional help for yourself. Reducing your stress level can be instrumental in helping your child. Practice self-care and consider talk therapy or other resources to help you adjust to the changes in your family.
Are Kids Better Off When Parents Stay Married?
Despite the fact that divorce is tough on families, staying together for the sole sake of the children may not be the best option. Children who live in homes with a lot of arguing, hostility and discontentment may be at a higher risk for developing mental health issues and behavior problems. When to Seek Help for Your Child
It’s normal for kids to struggle with their feelings and their behavior immediately following parental separation. But, if your child’s mood issues or behavioral problems persist, seek professional help. Start by talking to your child’s pediatrician. Discuss your concerns and inquire about whether your child may need professional support. A referral to talk therapy or other supportive services may be recommended.
Individual therapy may help your child sort out his emotions. Family therapy may also be recommended to address changes in family dynamics. Some communities also offer support groups for kids. Support groups allow kids in certain age groups to meet with other children who may be experiencing similar changes in family structure. Source: https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170
Three tools to push through the pain and get on the other side. Melissa has been incredibly lonely since her husband moved out last December.
She called me after reading my newsletter talking about a retreat I was hosting. She told me she was thrilled to see an opportunity to meet other women in transition. Melissa was now in the middle of her divorce and realized that she was still feeling very lonely.
After her split, it seemed like her friends mysteriously fell away and she found it hard to meet new people. This is something I hear a lot from the divorced population. Even today, well into the 21st Century. As far as our culture has come with accepting divorce as a reality, the social stigma is still alive and well. Couples or married individuals don't necessarily want to hang out with single or divorced folks. For Melissa, this was definitely unexpected fallout from her breakup and it added an extra layer of pain and loss to an already painful situation. Being a take-charge kind of person, Melissa attempted to remedy the social situation. She joined a gym, a book club and she even got a part-time job but none of these activities produced any lasting friendships.Everyone was either married (and didn't want to hang out with a single woman), much younger than she, or too busy. Another issue for Melissa is that she was longing for deep, meaningful relationships where she could talk about the pain of her marriage ending as well as the challenge of starting life over at the age of 48. Her friends and family were very supportive to her for a couple of months but since March, they've all but stopped returning her calls. It is this sense of isolation and marginalization that propelled me to start running groups back in 2000 and to hold more regular retreats. I have found these outlets to be not only magical ways to help participants find a way out of the marginalization, but it can be a powerful springboard into the next chapter of their lives.
There are three important tools I've learned over the years that can help anyone get through divorce better and come out of that isolation.
1. Grieve until your grief is over — Grief sucks. That's why most people want to be done with the emotional roller coaster far before the process is over. But the more you fight it, the more you actually prolong it. (And, by the way, getting into a new relationship will, at best, postpone your grief. You really can't escape it). Be with your grief and it will actually pass quicker. 2. Don't stay stuck in the past longer than your grief needs you to— Although you must feel the sadness and perhaps even anger as part of your grief, there's a point at which you will want to look at the road ahead rather than continuing to look in the rear view mirror. You have a right to all of your feelings but if you see everything through a divorce lens for years afterward, you won't go on to enjoy life. There is life—even fabulous life—beyond divorce. Keep moving.
3. Ask for help — This is one of the more important things you can do to get past your pain and heartache. Those who reach out for help always land on their feet whereas those who try to go it alone, end up suffering much more and don't do nearly as well. Over the years, I've watched many great people connect with other great people in my groups or workshops and go on to form close friendships. Some even find movie partners or travel companions. Connecting with others in a similar place has brought these divorcees out of their isolation and into mainstream life again. Spending a weekend with other women who were wanting to stay positive and take control of their destiny is the perfect remedy for people like Melissa. Find a new community. This last tool is particularly important. When any of us goes through a difficult transition, we feel like this will be our reality forever. Yet, people get divorced every day and many, if not most, come out okay on the other side.
How well you do depends in part on your circumstances. There are definitely some scenarios that are tougher than others to reconcile, such as being left by your spouse for someone else (or worse, being left by your spouse for your best friend) versus splitting by mutual agreement.
But it also depends on how you handle yourself and the situation. Using these three tools will help you get on the other side of the pain faster and better. article continues after advertisement
In her TED talk, Brene Brown says, "In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." This connection requires vulnerability at a time when you may be feeling most rejected, raw and most in need of protection. Push through your fears (if you can) and reach out. There are more groups today than ever before but, unfortunately, not all of them provide deep connection among members. Drop-in groups or informational divorce classes just don't offer the same intimacy as the closed groups (those where members commit and return each session) where people can share more vulnerably and honestly.
It is through this deep and vulnerable sharing that healing can occur. Staying at home and trying to ignore the sadness or grief will only postpone it. The pain will lay in wait until your defenses are down (often when you are tired or sick or stressed) and then, any and all unexpressed emotion will take over.
The good news is that, by dealing head on with your emotions, this is preventable. Follow the tools of: 1. Allowing the grief to be there; 2. Moving on when the grief has been expressed, and; 3. Finding a new community. Those who, like Melissa, reach out from their pain in order to get through this tough time, look back and see how doing the opposite of what they were inclined to do (stay safe at home in front of the TV) brought the desired healing. It is available to anyone who wants it.
The teen years are difficult for anyone. They are full of change, both mentally and physically, and this is a lot to take on. Adding the stress and change of a divorce or separation makes this challenging time even harder to cope with. Teens will often feel like they have no foundation, even when they may be acting as though they are fine. If they are going to develop into healthy adults, they will need your support and love. Here are a few tips on how to help teens through this difficult time. Take it slow When your teen already feels like they are on unstable ground, it is best not to add many more changes to their life if you can help it. In a divorce, there is no way to avoid change, but mindfully making the changes can help give your teenager time to adjust. While it might be hard to avoid a few big changes like a new home or a new school, let your teen take their time to get used to it all. Talking to your child about the changes to come will also allow them to prepare mentally, which will help with getting used to the new way that things work. Make sure that your teen will still have contact with their old friends. Making new friends is an added stress, and their old friends can offer emotional support as they try to work through this difficult process. Try to wait until the end of the school year before moving to a new school. Switching in the middle of the year is much harder and will cause extra stress as well as possibly failing grades. See if you can arrange for your teen to visit the school beforehand so that they don’t feel as lost on their first day.
If you are moving, allow them to decorate their own room. Try to make it a fun experience, and let them express themselves through the way they decorate it. Expect resistance
Your divorce will be very hard on your teenager, and they will likely feel anger, betrayal, and resentment toward one or both of their parents. Even if they aren’t actually angry at you, they will probably take their negative feelings out on you anyway. Whether they are being rude, rebellious, or withdrawn, you need to be sensitive to their emotions. Try not to get too angry, but take disciplinary measures if what they did was over the line of acceptability. If they take their acting out to an unhealthy level, that is when you may need to intervene with professional help.
Consider taking them to a therapist or counselor if they start acting in a manner that causes you to be concerned about their well being. Don’t force it one them, as they probably won’t like the idea at first. Don’t lecture them about why they should see a professional, but rather explain why you are concerned for their well being. Make sure that they understand that you don’t think that they need to be “fixed”. Being forceful will only gain greater pushback from your teenager, while being sensitive and caring can open up communication and ease their pain. They are looking for solid ground; be that for them. Don’t bend the rules While it can be difficult to see your teen acting out or in a negative way towards you, loosening up on the rules is not a good way to earn back their affection. Instead, this will teach them that they receive rewards for acting rebellious. They need discipline and foundation in order to become healthy adults, and removing the rules removes both of those. Give them the freedoms that you feel they are mature enough for, and reward good behavior with more freedom. If they have good grades and are respectful, let them stay out a bit later or spend extra time on the computer. Be reasonable with your teen, and remember that they are growing into young adults. As they grow older, they will crave more and more freedom. Remember that you are the parent Having gone through a divorce or separation, you will have your very own confused feelings to work through. While talking to them about your feelings can help strengthen your bond and show them that you respect and trust them, you must be careful about how much you share. Remember that you are their parent and must be strong for your kids. Also, don’t say negative things about their other parent in front of them. Save the more painful and negative topics to be talked over with adult friends and trusted family members, or even a professional such as a therapist. Some things would do nothing more than hurt your teen, and you need to pay careful attention what you tell them. Helping a teen through this process can be very difficult, especially if they don’t feel like working with you. However, consistent support and love from you and others they know can help them through this challenging experience and onward into adulthood. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/teens-and-divorce-how-to-help-them-make-it-through/
Why You Need to Spend More Time With Positive, Upbeat People
Friends are good for you but positive, upbeat pals are the real gems in life. They're the ones that will rally behind you, offer a smile and a hug, and leave you feeling better about yourself. Ideally, we should spend more time with encouraging friends and less time working on things with our more negative friends. This seems like a simple concept, expect that people aren't always totally positive or completely crabby, either.
Sometimes friends are downright rude or mean and other times they generous and supportive. Look at a friend's overall character when deciding if someone is a good influence in your life or not. Just reflecting back on how you feel when you're with them can give you the insight you need.
Here's why you need to positive people in your life. Support When You Need It With positive friends, you don't need to beg for help when you need it because chances are they will be there for you without asking. Positive individuals want others to be happy and will go out of their way to help you when you're feeling down or need some extra special attention.
By contrast, negative people celebrate the downfall of others, and as a result, you'll end up feeling worse about yourself or your situation. Friends who aren't positive will add to whatever amount of stress you are feeling. Health Benefits of Being Positive The more positive friends you have, the better able you will be at remaining upbeat yourself.
Studies have shown that optimistic people tend to deal with stress and illness better than those who aren't positive. Health benefits that are associated with positive thinking often include lower rates of depression, a greater ability to throw off colds, and a reduced risk of cardiovascular disease. Bringing Out the Best in You Your positive friends will not only help you rebound from the negative hits you take in life, but they will also inspire you to be the best you can be. This means trying new things, achieving goals, and having the kind of life you dreamed of for yourself. Very often people have secret goals that they are ashamed of sharing with people for fear they'll be mocked. For example, perhaps you always wanted to be a writer. Or you want to go back to school and get your degree. The negative people in your life will probably tell you all the reasons why you won't succeed. But who needs that? Chances are you have already gone over the reasons why you might fail and this is what has prevented you from trying. But with positive people in your life, you'll feel more comfortable sharing these types of goals because your friends will give you the emotional push you need to go after what you want in life. Attracting More Positive Friends You naturally attract the kinds of friends who are most like you. So if you're a downer, you'll probably find that negative people flock to you. The same is true for being positive. The more you are able to maintain a positive attitude, the more like-minded people you'll attract in return. In addition, being positive means that you'll come to friendships with a healthier state of mind. Rather than coming off as desperate for friends, you'll be seen as someone who has a lot of things going on in their life. This naturally attracts people to you and many of them could become friends. Bottom line? You'll have more friends without even trying. Source: https://www.liveabout.com/benefits-of-positive-friends-1384779
"An arch consists of two weaknesses which, leaning on each other, become a strength."
- Leonardo DaVinci
We all need help from time to time, especially when working through times of challenge and difficulty such as divorce or any other hardship. There should be no shame, embarrassment or pride that prevents us from seeking help, learning and inspiration from those who've been through similar challenges to us and who can help us to understand how they made it through.
"You have two hands, one to help others, the other to help yourself"
- Anon
There will always be those who are a few steps ahead of us and those a few steps behind. What's important is to help those we can help and to seek help from those who can help us.
Recognise where you need help in life and then seek it out; there is great power in doing so!
It’s difficult when we feel the heavy weight of anxiety bearing down on us, but watching a loved one deal with it can be just as hard. In fact, one of the most common questions we hear from our meQuilibrum community is, “How do I help my partner/child/sibling/parent/friend who’s really stressed?” So we decided to dedicate this week’s Cup of Calm to providing concrete ways you can help a loved one in distress return to a place of calm and capability. April is Stress Awareness Month, which is all about increasing public awareness of both the causes and cures for our modern stress epidemic. In that spirit, we’ve put together a list of meQuilibrium’s top tips for soothing anxiety in others, from our Chief Science Officer Dr. Andrew Shatté. It’s common to feel frustrated or powerless. The key? Counterbalancing the physical symptoms of anxiety and helping to put the issue in perspective. Here are five actionable ways to do just that: 1. Help them reconnect with the present. When someone you love is in the throes of anxiety, your first instinct might be to urge them to “calm down” or to “just relax.” But this may not be possible, because anxiety has a physical component that you can’t always “think” your way out of. “Anxiety is triggered when we perceive a threat, and that perception, accurate or not, causes a release of adrenaline,” says Shatté. “It activates the sympathetic nervous system, an age-old way to get us to flee from danger. We sweat, and we even get dry mouth as a way to preserve moisture. Any activity that requires blood or energy shuts down, so we get cold feet and tingling fingers.” These sensations are real, so don’t invalidate them. Instead, help your loved one reconnect with the present moment. You can do this by asking them to close their eyes and notice their body or what’s going on around them: the feeling of their feet touching the ground, the weight of their hands in their lap, the quiet hum of an air conditioner or heater. 2. Get them moving. Next, help them begin to calm down their body. Encourage them to take a deep breath, which reduces anxiety—breathing deeply activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which balances out the sympathetic nervous system and works to calm us down. Ask them to take 5 to 10 deep breaths, or try walking them through a breathing exercise. Offer them a drink of water, which eases an upset stomach and dry mouth. Then, get active. When Shatté’s kids feel nervous, he takes them on a walk, “because anxiety has that motivational piece of wanting to run away,” he says. “Behaviorally, walking forward is the exact opposite. Moving toward something shows you have nothing to fear.” 3. Help them get perspective. Imagine you’re standing in a dark, unfamiliar room. Fearful of what could be lurking in the shadows, you stumble around, blindly searching for the exit. Not very pleasant, right? Now imagine you’re in the same room, but someone switches on the light. There may be obstacles in your way, but you can see the exit—and your path becomes clear. This is a good analogy for anxious thinking. When anxious thoughts are rattling around in our mind, it’s easy to get lost or overwhelmed. Simply naming our worries can bring some much-needed clarity. Turn on the light for your loved one by asking them to clearly verbalize what they fear. The trick is to get those thoughts out of their head and into the light, so they become less scary—and less believable. 4. Ask “then what?” Once you understand their fears, walk them through worst-case scenarios. Maybe your spouse is worried about a stressful meeting with a boss. Ask, “And then what?” They might be afraid of being criticized. “And then what?” They may be afraid of getting fired, losing their income, and ending up on the street. Walking them through these steps illustrates how remote our worst fears often are. For example, the chances of one high pressure meeting ending in your home being repossessed is unlikely, to say the least. “When people are anxious, they often go well beyond the evidence in front of them—they go from layoffs to a dumpster,” Shatté says. Verbalizing worst-case scenario fears helps to neutralize them. 5. Bring positivity into the balance. It’s human nature to spend more time and energy on the negative events in our life than we do the positive—but this keeps us stuck in survival mode. In order to truly thrive, we have to mindfully bring more positivity into our lives. So, once your loved one has found a place of calm, help them shift their thinking to the positive. Have them list three things they are grateful for—there is no wrong answer, and nothing is too small to qualify. Bonus points for writing it down. To help prevent future anxiety, encourage your loved one to make it a habit—beyond reducing stress, the scientifically-proven benefits of this practice range from better sleep to improved self-esteem. By helping a loved one cope with anxiety, you’re helping them to guard against it. Coping isn’t easy, but by offering your support, you can ensure that your loved one doesn’t have to tackle it alone. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-do-i-help-a-stressed-friend-or-loved-one_us_58ee2f89e4b0ea028d568e88?utm_hp_ref=stress
A little more on the Divorced Lifestyle Design philosophy, why we believe we can help you, and why we want to as well! How can we help you? Find more videos like this one over at the Divorced Lifestyle Design YouTube Channel!
