Number Three May Surprise You
When you decide to divorce, it’s almost as if you’ve entered a club with a super-secret handshake — only no one is quite certain how to do it. So we asked the Wevorce.com community what they wished they had known before they decided to file for divorce. From the emotional breakup of their marriage to the financial upheaval, here are some is helpful advice from people who have been through the real life turmoil of uncoupling. Read on for the 8 things no one ever tells you about divorce.
1. If you are parents, you have a relationship with your ex forever… but it’s very different.
“First, you and your spouse go from being best friends to enemies almost overnight,” says community member Banshee1, a 30-something dad who is in the process of getting divorced. The difference, according to Paula1, a single mom who was married for four years to a man who cheated, is this: “He doesn’t have to listen anymore. He doesn’t have to work out problems.”
To make matters worse, writes Georgia resident Rebec311, “Your ex will not cooperate… they want to stick it to your for whatever they think you did. They will not be fair at all or logical.”
Eve31, a single mother whose spouse has refused to mediate their divorce, relates a similar experience, one in which a soon-to-be ex is “always lingering in the background waiting for you to slip up so they can pounce on you again through the legal system because now they have a new life — and no longer want to be responsible for their first life.”
She describes the toughest part: “The little questions from the kids like, ‘Why do we have two houses?’ will drive you nuts.” And if you’re angry with your former spouse for driving those questions, parents say your children can sense it. “Don’t even think bad thoughts about their dad when they are within five miles of you,” community member timless says.
The best advice, said Maryland salesman wave, whose wife left him after 30 years is, “Keep your children first, always.”
2. Divorce starts after you’ve signed the papers.
You can go to Las Vegas and get married in 30 minutes, according to Eve31, “but getting a divorce takes a lot longer,” she says. Purebredinip, a California woman whose husband told her he “wasn’t happy,” says: “They should make divorcing easier, but getting married difficult.”
“What no one tells you,” says Eve31, “is what it’s really going to cost you to be divorced… your youth, your sanity, your faith, your trust, your ability to wake in the morning with hope.” You now second-guess all your decisions: “Your ex destroys your trust but also your ability to sometimes trust yourself,” she explains.
“The real pain starts after you sign the divorce decree, ” Paula1 continues. “Every fight can now lead to court, which costs you money. Every disagreement now leads to heated arguments where nobody wins. Every new life stage (dating spouses, remarriages, kids asking more questions, kids suffering with divorce) equals more pain.”
3. If you’re the custodial parent, every other weekend is a blessing.
Essentially, you are raising your children alone — even if your former spouse has them for a few days a week or every other weekend. If you have young children, it will be a long time before you can take a shower that’s longer than three minutes. “You’ll fight it during the divorce proceedings, but will count down the hours for his weekend after,” Paula1 writes.
And what if you’re ex has found a new partner? “You spend all your time raising the kids, through sickness, surgeries and through all the heartache and picking up all the broken pieces that the divorce has caused,” says community member Paris299.
Work can also become a refuge.”Taking care of kids all weekend without any help is hard and exhausting. Monday mornings now become something you look forward to,” Paula1 writes.
4. You lose a lot of friends and family in divorce.
Girl70 said her husband filed for divorce after having an affair. His family sided with him. “I was with him for 22 years. It is like I didn’t exist. It’s as if I was the one who had the affair. I truly cared for my father-in-law and stepmother-in-law. I miss them the most,” she says.
The reaction from friends can also be tough. “Some people will treat you like divorce is catching…like leprosy,” says Tracy74 of Michigan, whose husband fell in love with another woman. “Your married friends will fear you being around their husbands/wives,” agrees community member kdb, a 50-something mother of three whose husband told her he wasn’t in love anymore.
Community member Banshee1 felt a sense of being “completely alone” and “misunderstood by married friends” who took sides during the breakup. “You will lose a lot of friends/people that you like a lot because of your soon-to-be ex,” agrees Rebec311. “The friends you keep will either love you more and be there more or have no clue how to talk to you.”
What’s more, “You think they are all a bunch of whiny children, since you’re doing it all alone now, and they have husbands to help,” says Paula1.
5. The courts do not care.
You will waste money if you treat your divorce attorney as a therapist. Timless explains, “That’s what your girlfriends and personal therapy is [sic] for. If you don’t have them, get them before you start the process.”
The court system is “cold,” says Rebec311, “and its participants don’t care about your feelings. It’s treated as a business.”
“Are your kids sick and is your ex clueless about how to take care of them? The courts don’t care. He still gets them,” says Paula1. “Is your ex-spouse not paying child support because he’s unemployed again? The courts don’t care. Visitation and support are not tied. Is your ex-spouse living with a drug addict with nose rings? The courts don’t care. As long as he is a good parent and doesn’t abuse them, he still gets them and can have anyone around that he wants.”
Maryland salesman wave, whose wife left him after almost 30 years of marriage, was surprised that the courts didn’t take into account who was at fault in the break up. “She turns 49, her mother dies, she got her inheritance, and two months later, she wants out. I have no drug or alcohol problems, no money problems, no abuse, no womanizing, but I lose half, plus I pay her child support…and she keeps the inheritance…The courts don’t care about right or wrong.”
6. Money is always an issue.
“You don’t just worry about money. You obsess over it,” writes Kitty7470, a 40-something mom from Ohio whose husband had an affair after 20 years of marriage.
“If you had a traditional marriage in which both parents were working, etc., get used to living on half. Child support, if paid, does not cover much. It’s not as much as you think it will be (which is another ridiculous tragedy by the courts), and your savings is probably wiped out by divorce costs,” explains Paula1.
Banshee1 doesn’t feel his financial settlement was fair. “It was tough for me to give up everything and move into an apartment that’s about a quarter of the size of my house — taking almost nothing,” he writes. Plus, as the breadwinner in his family, I will be taking the majority of the debt load, taking on losses due to the sale of our marital residence and providing significant child support payments to my soon-to-be ex.”
However, he says, “There is hope for recovery.” He’s slowly rebuilding and making a home for his children. And he believes he’s better off today. “(My ex) and I had very different views on money, and now that I’m on my own, I can save the way I feel most comfortable.”
For Soon2Bfine, a 40-something administrative assistant whose husband cheated on her, money wasn’t her biggest financial problem. When her spouse stopped paying the credit card debt after their divorce, he ruined both their credit ratings. “Having a great job means the money is there to make the payments, but good luck getting a loan for anything,” she wrote.
7. Your ex — and you — have personal lives.
Building a new life doesn’t include whining about your ex. “Learn to deal with it and not hold on to it,” Kitty7470 says. And when your ex finds a new partner? “They now have a say in your entire life, because your ex lets them.”
Banshee1 says he’s surprised at how bitter people can be. “I’ve talked to so many people that get upset because they believe their ex is doing better than they are or are suffering less. My feeling is — focus on you and your life. You can spend the rest of your life comparing to your ex-spouse and miss out on opportunities that are right in front of you.”
And some further advice: “Your ex has a life and so do you. Don’t share,” says timless. “I’ve learned to keep things focused on my daughter and vague pleasantries. Any unnecessary details come back to bite me in the butt.”
8. You will get a second wind.
When you think it won’t get any better, just keep moving forward. “The train wreck that was your life during the divorce suddenly gets a makeover as soon as your divorce is final,” timless says. “Somewhere near the end you have one final cry and then get a second wind. This is your saving grace, your reward for the pain and suffering.”
Unhappily married to her high school sweetheart for 15 years before she finally asked for a divorce, Wow65 agrees, saying when the divorce was final she realized: “I could do what I wanted with my life and have a great time doing it.”
“Now is the time to focus on you,” Banshee1 advises. “Look at divorce as a chance to rebuild, to start fresh. Yes, there will be hurt, loneliness, frustration — but that’s life, isn’t it? For me, I’m taking the experiences that I’ve had has a husband and turning them into a guideline for how I want to live my life as a man. I will always and forever be a father to my children — and my focus is 150 percent on them. But, to be the best father that I can be I must learn to take care of myself, too. I’m learning to pursue my dreams, and through that inspire my children (and possibly others) along the way. My legacy to my children will be strength and perseverance even when the chips are down.”
Divorce coach Annie O’Neill added: “You have your whole life ahead of you to do what you want to do. It is a chance to reinvent yourself, a new chapter of your life. You have to put your marriage behind you and decide to move on.”
Source: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/8-things-no-one-ever-tells-you-about-divorce/
As a young girl, I instinctively appreciated the importance of friendship. I gravitated to older girls who I could admire and look up to. Reflecting on my adult friendships, I’ve come to realize that true friends stick by you no matter what. They’re there for you when the chips are down, your boyfriend cheats on you, or you lose your job. Since I grew up with three sisters and have been lucky to have many wonderful friends, I was surprised by how my friendships changed after my divorce.
After my divorce, which was over a decade ago, several friends seemed to vanish into thin air or became distant. To this day, I struggle with figuring out why my divorce cost me so many friends. I’ve spent plenty of hours analyzing this and only recently realized that I’m not alone. When I mentioned this to a colleague, she expressed curiosity and encouraged me to research the topic.
What I found out may surprise you. While there isn’t much research on the topic of friendship after divorce, most studies report that after a breakup, friends often fall by the wayside. Fortunately, I found a highly informative chapter on post-divorce friendship in Dr. Bruce Fisher’s book, Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends. I was also inspired by a blog written by Aunt Becky for Cafe Mom’s blog “The Stir” entitled, An Open Letter to My Happily Married Friends. In this insightful post, Aunt Becky admonishes her friends to be more tolerant and empathetic about her recent divorce. She writes, “things don’t always work out as planned, my dear friend.”
Most people report that some of their friends become invisible while they’re in the process of divorcing. Sadly, this was my experience and I’m still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The first Christmas after my marriage collapsed, I was struck by how few invitations arrived via email or my mailbox. I quickly learned that there are many reasons why friends disappear or become remote.
Perhaps one reason why friendships change so much after divorce is because friends — like some family members — aren’t comfortable with grief and so become rejecting or cool. They might even side with your ex, not realizing that they are polarizing and encouraging conflict between the two of you. Friends and family often take sides after divorce. Let’s face it — most people don’t have a clue about how to support a friend who is suddenly single.
Dr. Fisher, a renowned divorce expert, cites four main reasons why friendships change after divorce. I hope this list helps you gain insight and feel less isolated.
1. You are seen as a threat. As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends — so invitations die off or disappear.
2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner — either the ex-husband or ex-wife. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex.
3. Fear. Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction. Several women I interviewed for my book Love We Can Be Sure Of told me that the shakier their friend’s marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person.
4. Social Stigma. Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-orientated culture. While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we’ve witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it’s still alive in many social circles. Divorced people are viewed as part of a singles subculture where the standards are seen as looser, and that may make some married people uncomfortable.
Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship, and particularly in friendships, it’s important to set boundaries. For instance, you might feel like venting with a friend and bemoaning the loss of a love, and they might not be up for a heavy conversation. Letting your friends know what your needs are can be very helpful. Be sure to tell them the truth but be sensitive to their limitations and desire to discuss other topics. It’s normal to feel emotionally needy as you’re navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors. So give them a breather by keeping things light at times.
If you’re reading this and wonder how to support a friend post-divorce, perhaps the best thing you have to offer them is acceptance and a listening ear. Try to avoid appearing judgmental since they may be hypersensitive to comments that come across as blameful. Think about it — when someone is grieving the loss of a marriage, they need time to grieve and gain a better perspective on things. Ideally, friends will be there for each other when they are at their worst. Some are definitely keepers.
In my case, I’ve been lucky to make new friends who have enriched my life since my divorce. Fortunately, I have even held onto a few friendships for decades, in spite of my changes in lifestyle and marital status. I’ve been blessed with the good fortune of having many amazing friends who have been there for me during times of turmoil and triumph, as I hope I have been able to do for them.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/why-friendships-take-a-di_b_2546249.html
Although according to U.S. Rates and Statistics, the divorce rate has been on the decline since 1980, the fact remains that there are people out there still getting divorced. While it may not be as high as the 50 percent rate that has long become the go-to stat, no marriage is perfect which means no marriage is safe from divorce. While experts try to predict what leads to divorce as means to lessen the amount of them, in the past few years there's been a new factor: social media is a reason why people get divorced.
You may think that your little flirtations with your crush from high school are NBD, but the truth is that some partners don’t like that behavior. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or married, Facebook, and the Internet in general, can be sources of temptation and drama. According to family law firm McKinley Irvin’s new infographic, with one in three marriages ending because of an online affair, Facebook and Match.com are playing big rolls in the reason people divorce. And the problem with Facebook is that the evidence is all right there ― unless you’re smart enough to delete your tracks, of course.
From jealousy to creeping in on their partner’s social media accounts to divorce because of online behavior, here are seven ways social media is ruining your relationship.
1. More Than 10 Percent Of People Say Facebook Is A Source Of Jealousy And Danger
According to 15 percent of people, social media is absolutely dangerous to their marriage, while 16 percent can point their fingers to Facebook as causing jealousy in their relationship. The threat is so real that 14 percent of adults admit to combing through their partner’s social media accounts looking for evidence of cheating, virtual or otherwise.
2. Facebook Usage Is The One Reason Couples Fight
As the McKinley Irvin study found, it’s not just what a partner does on social media (liking every photo of their ex, maybe?), but the amount of time they spend on it. When it comes to the biggest arguments in couples about social media, the complaint is always how much time a partner wastes on it.
3. A Third Of People Keep Their Social Media Passwords From Their Partners
While marriage is supposed to be about everything, for a third of social media users, keeping their passwords private from the prying eyes of their partners is a must. The study also found that one in 10 of adults admit to hiding certain posts or message from their partners on Facebook.
4. Less Than 10 Percent Have Secret Social Media Accounts
For those who are just tired of hiding their behavior on social media from their partner, getting really sneaky is the best way to go. It’s that group, eight percent of adults, who just have a secret social media account all together. At least that way they can’t feel bad about hiding posts or changing their password every other day to really make sure their partner is clueless, right?
5. A Quarter Of Couples Fight About Facebook Weekly
Whether it’s because of Facebook usage or a partner’s behavior on it, for 25 percent of couples Facebook causes a fight at least once a week. People are fighting about it so often, that Facebook leads to confrontation in one in seven married couples, forcing the discussion of divorce to come up.
6. A Fifth Of People Doubt Their Relationship Because Of What They’ve Found On Facebook
According to the study, one in five people have found something on Facebook regarding their partner that has made them feel “uneasy” in their relationship. But despite that less than half of spouses confront their spouses about their discovery.
7. Majority Of Lawyers Use Social Media Evidence In Divorce Cases
As McKinley Irvin points out, what a partner “shares” on online can also be shared in a courtroom during a divorce case. In fact, 81 percent of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers have used social media as evidence in cases, with the top three being state of mind while being on social media, communications on it, and the time and place of said events.
Source: https://www.bustle.com/articles/100673-why-social-media-causes-divorces-and-7-ways-its-ruining-your-relationship
When my husband and I decided to separate recently, a world of single parenting came along with it. Sounds obvious, right? But I was so focused on the end of my marriage I hadn’t really stopped to consider the whole new world that awaited me.
It wasn’t entirely foreign. I was brought up by a single mum, and I was a single mum once before for a year or so, but that was only to one child. Now there are three.
I’m outnumbered.
It’s been tough on the younger children, as they adjust to having two homes and wonder in their four- and six-year-old minds why we don’t all live together any more. We have the same conversations over and over, and I patiently explain that we think this is the best way for us all to move forward and be happy.
But it’s been eight weeks or so, and we’re beginning to find our groove in our new version of normal. Things are calming down.
The first month was a steep learning curve though. There were good days and bad days, of course, and not just for the children. Even when you know separation is what you want, it doesn’t make it easy. But I learned from the wisdom of women who have walked this road before me, and not only have I survived, I’m pleased to report I have found a way to thrive and be truly happy.
So I thought I’d share a few things I learned in that first month, in the hope they might help you, if you’re going through the same thing.
- This is a time to focus on yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary. Yes, you need to help your kids find their way in this new world too, but you can’t do that if you’re crying all the time, or feeling overwhelmed. Do what you need to do to be okay. Whether that’s seeing a counsellor, going for a run, getting a massage, eating a dozen doughnuts, or whatever makes you feel good.
- Stop fighting with your ex. That bit is done. It doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. What matters now is keeping things calm and pleasant for the kids. Even if they’re still up for it, the best thing to do is smile and walk away to your peaceful home.
- Accept help. Let friends come over and help you move furniture. Let your parents slip you some extra cash to help tide you over until things settle down. Let your bestie have your kids for a sleepover so you can have a night on the couch. Say yes. People want to help, and you need it right now.
- Say yes to social invitations. You might not feel like going out, but your mates want to cheer you up and I promise you, it will do you the world of good. Just say yes, and then go. If you don’t feel like being there after half an hour, give yourself permission to go home. But don’t say no because you can’t imagine getting out of your sweats.
- Make a list of stuff you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the time. I’ve got one list for when I’m on my own and one list for when I’m with the kids. That way when I get up in the morning, I don’t get that indecision paralysis and end up sitting on the couch being glum or frittering the days away. We’re out doing cool stuff we want to do.
- Make your house your own. Redecorate. Buy new bed linen – and make it super girly or something that pleases you in a way you couldn’t have done when you were sharing that bed. Put pictures on the walls, and set aside that corner for your morning yoga sessions or whatever it is you’re into.
- Expect things to suck sometimes. There will be sadness. There will be feelings of loss and bewilderment. Even if you’re the one who wanted the separation. But it’s okay to experience those – be patient, ride the wave and wait for it to pass. Because it will.
- Try to avoid the obvious pitfalls of drowning your sorrows (a little bit is cool; a lot doesn’t help anyone), wallowing on the couch watching bad TV, and hiding away at home. And if you’re sharing custody of the kids, don’t leave all the housework for when they’re away. It’s good for kids to see (and help with) housework being done.
PHEW! Okay, that’s what I’ve learned so far. How do you think I’m doing? What else would you add?
Source: https://champagnecartel.com/survive-first-month-single-parent/
Divorce is in many ways similar to death. Like death, there are different stages of divorce a person must transition through before they can completely move on.
The final stage, recovery, might be the most difficult. It’s natural for many men to want to cling to that failed relationship and replay in their minds what went wrong. It’s a vicious cycle that can lead to feelings of blame, self-loathing, anger and depression.
Men and women often deal with breakups differently, and men face a myriad of different health risks after divorce, including an increase in early mortality rate by up to 250 percent.
During this recovery process, it is important to realize that life will eventually go on and you can even come out of it better off than before.
It is critical during this time to take the proper steps to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. There are many positive things you can do to help speed the recovery process, — including taking up a new hobby, working to maintain a positive social life, and giving yourself the proper amount of time you need to grieve.
At the same time, there are quite a few things you need to avoid that can hinder your divorce recovery.
Here are four habits to stay away from during the divorce recovery period:
Avoid holding everything inside.
Many people consider divorce to be a private matter. It’s incredibly frustrating and annoying when you know there are friends, neighbors and family members gossiping about what happened between you and your spouse.
When that’s the case, it’s natural to want to shut everyone out. While it’s not necessary, or healthy, to share details of your divorce with everyone, bottling everything up isn’t a good idea either.
Depression is a common side effect of divorce and it isn’t something you should have to take on alone. Find some people you know you can trust to confide in. Simply venting and letting off some steam can be one of the most effective coping strategies post-divorce.
You might also consider counseling. Counselors and therapists can play a key role in your divorce recovery.
Don’t cope by turning to alcohol.
One of the most common mistakes men make after a divorce is trying to numb their pain by drinking alcohol. This is one of the most self-destructive decisions you can make.
Statistically, men are more likely than women to turn to drinking after divorce. Abusing alcohol or other substances can delay the recovery process and lead to a myriad of other mental and physical health problems.
Throwing back a few beers or cocktails probably will numb your pain temporarily, but alcohol is a depressant that has been linked to depression and many other health problems.
Don’t become a recluse.
You’re probably not going to feel very good for a while after your divorce as it takes time to adjust to being single again.
That’s OK. Just don’t totally shut down and become reclusive.
Try to turn the idea of being alone into a positive. Look at it this way, you now have more freedom than you’ve likely had in years. This is a perfect time to take up new hobbies, refocus on your career and reconnect with old friends you’ve lost touch with.
Embrace being a bachelor again!
Don’t jump into a new relationship right away. (But don’t give up on dating again either.)
While it’s important to stay active, you can also go too far the other way by immediately getting back into a relationship.
Just because your last relationship failed doesn’t mean you will never find love again. Plenty of people resume dating following divorce and are able to build happy, healthy relationships with a significant other.
However, immediately jumping into a rebound relationship before you’ve had time to fully recover is a crucial mistake many men make. Like alcohol, a new relationship can help take your mind off your pain temporarily, but if you haven’t taken the proper time to heal, it will likely lead to more hurt and confusion.
There is a reason the failure rate of second and third marriages are so high.
Additionally, dating too soon after a breakup can create stress and hurt for your kids. If you introduce a new girlfriend to them too soon, they might resent you both for trying to replace their mother. While you need to look after yourself, it’s also important to put your children’s best interest before everything else after a divorce.
Just because you’re not actively dating doesn’t mean you can’t lead an active social life, but make sure you take your time before getting back into the game.
Source: http://dadsdivorce.com/articles/4-habits-that-can-derail-your-divorce-recovery/
Personal isolation is common because people need time to heal, reflect, and rediscover who they are.
Isolation is being or remaining alone, detached, or apart from others. Unfortunately, isolation is not detached or apart from divorce, the two are very much connected. There are many reasons for this that I would like to explore. First, let’s talk about the four different types of isolation.
Personal: This is not being around people in body, mind, or spirit. People in personal isolation purposefully keep themselves at arms length from others.
Social: This is being around people in body but not in mind or spirit. People in social isolation find themselves in social situations but do not have the energy or strength to embrace it. Our friend in the picture above is suffering from social isolation.
Conflicted: This is being around people in mind or spirit, but not in body. People in conflicted isolation want to be around others but just can’t find the energy or strength to do it.
Forced: This is being isolated by others. People in forced isolation want to interact but are intentionally ignored by others.
Personal isolation is common because people need time to heal, reflect, and rediscover who they are. Meg was married to Joseph for 22 years and was blindsided by the divorce. She really thought she knew her husband, her marriage, and for that matter, herself. All of that ‘knowledge’ went down the drain when he told her that he has not really loved her for that last ten years. This is devastating news and justifiably requires self induced isolation to get her head right before she can get into the social mix in any meaningful way.
Social isolation is common because people cannot stop working. They must go grocery shopping and make the monthly Target run to get the necessities. Sometimes, they are strong armed to be social. None of this means that they are ready to be social and their lack of readiness can be painfully obvious to them and those for whom they come in contact with.
Conflicted isolation is common because people have been away from the social scene in any meaningful way for so long that they want to insert themselves but cannot find the strength or energy to do so. Mandy has been divorced for a little over a year and has done the personal isolation thing. She wants to get out there and reconnect with friends but she psyches herself out every time. To her, there is always a viable reason to just stay in. Of course, in hindsight she continuously kicks herself for missed opportunities. This is a vicious cycle, difficult to stop.
Forced isolation is common because people are judgmental. Was that a blunt enough reason? Good, because it’s true. If a divorcee had mutual friends, some of those friends may very well put them in forced isolation out of spite. If the divorcee is not being strong enough for some peoples taste, some of those people will intentionally ignore them. “God, Erin’s been divorced for 2 years. She needs to get over it!”, says Marla while subsequently refusing to invite Erin over. On a personal note, I once had a friend that was disinvited to a game night because he was “too somber”. She had only been divorced for two months. I just so happened to have become sick (cough cough) and decided to miss the function myself.
There you have it! Three understandable and one egregious reason that isolation is prevalent after a divorce. We are humans and thus we grieve. We emote. We cannot simply pull up our bootstraps two months after a divorce and healthily reattach ourselves to society. It would not end well.
And for those of you that have experienced forced isolation, do yourselves a favor. Lose those ‘friends’ please!
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/isolation-why-everyone-who-goes-through-a-divorce-experiences-it-dg/
“He left me. He said he didn’t love me anymore and just walked out.” A client sobbed on the sofa in my clinic a six months ago. Her heart had been completely broken by her partner of 11 years. (I have changed names and some scenarios to protect confidentiality)
She was completely overwhelmed with sadness and an acute sense of loss. She had a high flying career and was angry at herself for falling apart yet she had no control over the crying or the obsessing over what she might have done wrong.
The truth is that she had suspected for the last 18months that something was wrong. Her ex, who I shall call James, had become gradually more distant and less affectionate. He had always bought flowers home on a Friday but that dwindled, as did other little gestures that she used to take for granted like a cup of tea in bed on Sunday’s and buying her the latest book from her favourite author when it came out.
At first Susie had been too busy to really notice but over time she started to feel sad about it. Whenever she brought it up he told her he was sorry and that he had been busy too. Whenever they argued about it and she said she didn’t feel as loved by him anymore he would accuse her of being too demanding.
Their sex life petered out in the last six months but she assumed it was all down to the length of their relationship and that it was natural that sex would not be as frequent after 11 years. Susie busied herself in work and tried not to think about it. After all they still had a good circle of friends and a fun social life together so it wasn’t all bad.
So the break-up hit her like a freight train. She felt broken inside and her self confidence was at rock bottom. Susie came to see me to find out how to feel better as James had made it clear he was not coming back. She felt partly responsible and wishes she had done more about the problems and not allowed them to fester.
The interesting thing about heart break is that it really physically hurts inside. It’s an exquisite pain that can grab hold of you and paralyse you from moving forward with your life. The good news is that there are lots of things you can do to help you let go of your ex. It’s not easy but with practice and a determination to get back in control of your feelings will help you to get there.
Don’t be afraid to face any negative emotions. It’s ok to cry and actually helps you to heal. It’s all part of the loss cycle and a natural part of your recovery process. It’s normal to grieve the loss of your relationship. Susie was so relieved to find this out that she relaxed. She had thought she was depressed and would never feel happier. But the truth is that sadness is part of the natural recovery process.
The key to letting go of your ex is to change your focus from the past and what happened to the future and put your energy and attention into creating your new single life. Stop telling your sad story to everyone who will listen and start to talk about all the new things you want to achieve and have in your life. Susie had been talking about her break-up for hours with her mum and best friend. They meant well but actually gave her negative reinforcement as they were hurt and angry too. Susie and I worked on some exciting new goals that she wanted to create for her future. It gave her a new focus with her mum and best friend and they were able to support her in a more positive way.
Make some changes to the way you do things, especially your daily routine. This will enable you to experience new things and not end up doing the same things alone that you used to do together. You could introduce a morning walk or move some furniture around in your home which will give the room a fresh feel. Even little changes can make a huge immediate impact on how you are feeling. Susie decided to clear out James’ clothes from the wardrobe and pack them away. Whilst this was tough for her to do she felt much better immediately after.
Write a bucket list of all the things you would love to do over the next 12 months but you would never have been able to whilst in your relationship. Turn your loneliness into a sense of freedom to do things that make you happy. Susie had always fancied going on a fitness retreat but James was horrified at that idea and preferred to lie by a beach. So she booked herself 5 days on a retreat abroad and came back fitter, more confident in herself and with a tan. She carried it through into her daily routine and joined a gym as she recognised how having a healthy body gave her more mental strength and a better ability to move forward with her life.
Susie now has the tools and techniques to feel better and move forward with her life. She feels back in control of her emotions and has created a future she is excited to live and is loving it.
She still pops into my clinic from time to time as new challenges arise as she now appreciates the importance of dealing with issues immediately and not allowing them to fester. She came in recently as she felt ready to start dating again and wanted some help to get started. She has let go of James and is ready to start looking for a new love.
Letting go of your ex is never easy if you loved them deeply. They may always hold a place in your heart, however this place should be pain-free and full of happy memories.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/letting-go-of-your-ex_b_8927618.html
Supportive friends, healthy self-esteem, and a little patience are some of the keys to get back into the dating scene.
The rate of divorce in America remains high, leaving many adult men and women alone, available and wondering how to maneuver on the playing field. After years of being in a relationship, putting yourself back in the singles market can be a daunting endeavor. Here, David A. Anderson, Ph.D., offers advice gleaned from his own research and that of other experts to help you get back into dating mode.
After 19 years of waking up next to the same person, Yolanda*, a marketing consultant, suddenly found herself greeting mornings alone. Recently divorced, she was overwhelmed by the mere thought of dating again. Yolanda's self-esteem was so damaged by her tumultuous breakup that she worried about her ability to start a new relationship, not to mention her rusty dating skills. And the pool of single men looked more like a droplet compared with the ocean available to her during her younger years.
Yolanda may have felt alone on the playing field, but she was far from it. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately nine in 10 people will marry, but about one half of first marriages end in divorce. The number of women living alone has doubled to 14.6 million, and the number has nearly tripled for men, jumping from 3.5 million to 10.3 million.
With so many single adults out there, one might guess that there's also a lot of dating going on. Instead, it seems that the older we get, the less we date. In one study conducted at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, social psychologist Jerald G. Bachman, Ph.D., found that nearly 50 percent of 18-year-olds go out at least once a week, compared with only approximately 25 percent of 32-year-olds.
While it's true that some people simply choose not to date, others want to but don't know how to go about it or can't overcome their negative self-thoughts. So how can those who are struggling with these obstacles successfully and healthfully re-enter the dating arena? First, it's important to set appropriate personal standards. In particular, will you play hard to get or be an easy catch? I call the manifestation of these standards one's "social price." The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price. Factors that help determine your social price include your ability to bring desirable traits such as inner strength, kindness, intelligence, and affection to a relationship.
Working with Shigeyuyki Hamori, an economist at Kobe University in Japan, I researched methods for estimating the qualities and contributions of marriage prospects. We hypothesized that singles seeking relationships assess unseen qualities in others based on social price as it is reflected in actions, body language, and verbal communication. We concluded that those exhibiting self-confident assertions of dating standards are perceived as holding relatively more promise as marriage partners. Conversely, those who appear insecure and desperate, call a love interest excessively or engage in sexual activity too soon, send signals that they hold inferior unseen traits.
So just as we tend to assume that expensive cars are better than similar, cheaper ones, we may also conclude that those demonstrating high social prices have unobserved qualities superior to those with lower social prices. But be wary: Overselling also occurs. For instance, individuals with a substantial income but little else to offer may exaggerate their social price. And as with any type of price misrepresentation, true quality eventually surfaces. In the dating market, this can translate into a broken relationship.
At the core, inaccurate social pricing is a by-product of low self-esteem and other negative self-emotions. "Fear absolutely devastates some people," says clinical psychologist Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a former radio-talk-show host and author of The Art of Living Single. "It can be the fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships. People can be very proficient in other parts of their lives, but the fear of dating can make them stay alone or pine for the relationship they left."
Others rebound or get involved in another relationship too soon. Their desperation usually stems from sadness, guilt, anger or anxiety about being alone. "You get this feeling that you're in the worst possible situation in your life," Broder explains. "Then you may do what you later consider desperate: a one-night stand, calling the ex or ignoring intuitive warnings and jumping into a bad relationship you would never choose if you weren't feeling reckless."
Fortunately, it is possible to avoid these and other pitfalls when seeking out a new partner. If you're ready to get back in the saddle again, here are five key tips to help you on your way.
1) Develop A (New) Support Group
It's natural to turn to old friends for support. They know and care about you, and they typically have your best interests in mind. But more often it's new friends who will better help you adjust to your new life. That's because friends shared with your ex often unwittingly take sides, and either alliance can prove a hindrance when introducing someone new into your life. Old friends may lack the proper interest or compassion, and they may even be jealous of your newfound freedom.
"My divorce split our extended families and friends," says Yolanda of her and her ex-husband. "But my new friends had a fresh perspective that helped my self-esteem. Those who were single had confidence that was contagious; that really helped me when I started going out again as a single person. And sometimes they offered good advice."
Do use discretion when listening to others' words of wisdom, advises Broder. "Solutions that worked for a friend may be a disaster for you. If you don't want advice, be assertive and let people know that advice giving is off-limits unless it's requested."
For the most part, however, friendship is a vital ingredient in the recovery process. "Facing things alone can take a toll on you," says Broder. "Friends can help you see that dating doesn't have to be so serious."
2) Assess Your Self-Worth
People with low self-esteem tend to create relationships with others who evaluate them negatively, suggests one study on self-concept done by William B. Swann Jr., Ph.D., a University of Texas psychology professor. If you're suffering from a negative self-image, it's vital you take steps to create a positive, healthy self-concept.
Begin by making a list of your positive qualities, then hang it in your home where you'll see it regularly, suggest Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Virginia M. Satir, M.A., in their book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Sharing your list with your support group and asking for honest feedback will help you to work on clearing up any discrepancies between your self-image and the real you. Broder also recommends making a list of new beliefs and affirmations that you'd like to incorporate into your thinking system. Read aloud these new self-concepts often, regardless of how you're feeling, to help solidify them in your mind.
For Yolanda, a brief relationship five years after her divorce made her realize she had to adjust her mind-set. "I felt ashamed about all of the times I'd say yes when my answer was really no," she says now. "The consequences were painful, but I didn't believe I could completely change the pattern. Then I took the advice you hear about in 12-step programs and turned it over to God—my higher power. Moving forward and forgiving myself became easier."
People who feel victimized after a breakup may do well to develop a bold—or even defiant—attitude. Psychologists at the University of Washington and Canada's University of Waterloo recently found that feelings of resignation and sadness make people with low self-esteem less motivated to improve their mood. "When you feel defiant you become excited, confident, and ready to take action," says Broder. "You take care of yourself, making it pretty clear that you are not going to be ruined by divorce. It's a very healthy thing to do."
3) Plan Activities
You won't find a new mate—or even a new friend—while sitting on the couch, your television on, curtains drawn. Consider your post-relationship time as an opportunity to do the things you couldn't do while you were with your ex. Create a list of 20 activities you would enjoy doing with a perfect partner, then give the list a second look. "Rarely do people have more than three or four things on their list that they cannot do if they're not in a relationship," says Broder. "Be active; don't feel like your whole life is on hold."
Today's singles are finding luck—and love—in nonconventional ways. After her 17-year relationship ended, Lili*, a writer, re-entered the dating arena by joining a telephone dating service. Instead of meeting men for dinner, she invited them for daytime walks in a well-populated park. "They weren't dates; they were interviews," says Lili, who admits that taking the first step was difficult. "If I liked them, we went for coffee." Laura*, a financial adviser, also missed companionship after her 24-year marriage dissolved. "I don't sit with problems for very long," she says. "I knew what I wanted and went after it." Laura joined an online dating service and eventually met her soon-to-be second husband.
Joseph Walther, Ph.D., an associate professor of communication, language, and literature at Troy, New York's Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, found that people who use Internet dating services such as Match.com may achieve more beginning-stage emotional intimacy than they do in face-to-face situations. Single surfers don't have to worry about common first-impression concerns such as bad-hair days and wrinkled clothes, Walther points out. Plus, they don't see body-language cues such as shrugging and smirking that can create barriers in communication. Currently, cyber researchers believe that as much as 33 percent of friendships formed online eventually advance to face-to-face meetings.
4) Curb Unhealthy Cravings
When we are in emotional pain, our feelings often don't coincide with our intellect and instead manifest themselves as cravings that can prove unhealthy and self-destructive. Cravings usually plague people who have zero tolerance for a single lifestyle and want to jump into a new relationship as soon as their breakup is final. Also susceptible are individuals with low self-evaluation who are convinced they can't make it alone. Fortunately, while such cravings may feel overwhelming and unavoidable, Broder asserts that they don't have to be.
Take Julie*, a middle-aged student in Southern California whose need for immediate passion led her to make decisions despite intuitively knowing they were unwise. "I kept going out with men who did not have the potential for a long-term relationship," she confesses. "One had problems with his ex-wife, another wouldn't marry outside of his religion. After getting hurt many times, I finally decided to be more careful when choosing men. I'm still prone to my old behavior, but I'm more apt to say no to men who are a poor match for me."
To short-circuit cravings, Broder suggests doing something that actively breaks the pattern and makes you approach the situation in a healthier way. Call someone in your support group, share your unwanted tendencies and ask that he or she invite you out when you fall into bad habits. And consider keeping a journal of the things that successfully distract you from your urges, such as renting a funny movie or going for a long walk, that you can turn to the next time cravings crop up.
5) Prepare for Pitfalls
Certain times of the year—holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, for instance—are harder to navigate than others because they are loaded with expectations and memories. After a separation or divorce, social configurations change, making feelings of loss and loneliness more intense. Perfectionists tend to struggle most during the holidays, according to Broder. High expectations lead them to dwell on favorite memories of their past and compare them with current situations.
Garrett*, an optometrist in his 40s, remembers that his first Christmas alone was a tough one. "Weeks prior to the holidays were extremely difficult because the traditions were highly disrupted," he says. "Not being in my own home and not having a closeness with someone was difficult, and I felt very much afraid of not finding someone again."
To cope, Garrett stuck close to his family. "You stitch together the connections that you have," he says. "It was piecemeal and patchwork, but it was critical for me. I also looked for other ways to divert my attention. I organized a staff party, participated in a musical and cooked at other people's homes."
Garrett got it right, according to Sally Karioth, Ph.D., R.N., an associate nursing professor at Florida State University and an expert on stress, grief, and trauma. Karioth points again to planning as the key to reducing stress and meeting new people. Don't be afraid to ask for help organizing new activities, and break tasks into smaller chores to fend off feelings of being overwhelmed. Broder also suggests avoiding holiday comparisons and focusing instead on the enjoyable aspects of current and future ones. "You'll get through, and then you won't fear it anymore," says Broder. "It may not be the best of your life, but it may not be the horror you thought it would be."
Ultimately, the best tip for re-entering the dating game is to explore various action strategies and choose those that are most comfortable for you. For some, getting into the right frame of mind before taking the leap is essential. For others, simply trying something new or even uncomfortable works. You know yourself best, so trust your inner wisdom. If you are ready to find new love, take heart: More than 40 percent of weddings in America are remarriages. But don't feel obligated to rush into another marriage, either—the U.S. Census Bureau reports that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Now that you're single it's perfectly acceptable to remain so if that's what you prefer. As Broder says, "What you do with your life now is up to you."
*Names have been changed.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200301/dating-after-divorce
