In its simplest terms, divorce means separation. You’re splitting up. You’re breaking up. The two of you have made a decision to disconnect, detach and distance yourself from each other. But what about the relationships you have formed with other people because of your marriage? What happens if you don’t want to sever those ties? In other words, when it comes to divorce, what do you do if your in-laws dump you?
I’m not trying to be funny by saying this, but often times, if you can’t stand your in-laws, your divorce suddenly has a plus side. Think about it. You never, ever have to go out for lunch or brunch or dinner with them ever again! But, what if you actually like your soon-to-be ex’s family and friends, and they basically tell you to lose their number?
When I got divorced, my ex-husband’s entire family stopped communicating with me. I seriously have not spoken a word to any of them, other than an occasional “hi” in passing at one of my children’s sporting events.
At the beginning, when we first got separated, I kept waiting for a phone call.
“We’re really sorry this is happening,” I thought they’d call and say. Or, “Is there anything we can do?” Or even, “We don’t want to get involved, but we just want to let you know we are thinking of you during this difficult time.” Nothing. I realize now just how naïve I was.
I was the bad one, in their eyes. I was the enemy. I was ending my marriage to their son, their blood. I was the witch. The devil.
The things is, I don’t expect anyone’s in-laws to side with the non-blood relative, and I don’t expect them to be best friends with him or her. But, in my case, when I was married, my ex’s family was really nice to me, so to go from feeling like part of their family to being completely dismissed without a word was very hard, and it deeply hurt me.
It made me wonder, is an in-law’s love all an act? Is it conditional love? When you get married, are your in-laws just taking you in as one of their own because of your marriage license?
I actually know a person who told his family that he forbid them to speak with his ex, and they obeyed. Someone else I know was told by her ex-sisters-in-law that she was prohibited from attending her ex-mother-in-law’s funeral, even though the ex and her ex-mother-in-law were still really close, and the woman would have wanted her there. There is also a guy I know whose ex-mother-in-law will not even attend her own grandchildren’s birthday parties, because she doesn’t want to look at her ex-son-in-law. She’s so selfish that she’d rather miss the party (and hurt the kids) than show up and just be polite, regardless of her hostile feelings.
I think the families and friends of someone getting divorced need to be open minded, and think with their hearts, versus instinctively jumping to the conclusion that the person who is divorcing their loved one is evil and deserves to be dumped. No one knows what went on in a divorcing couple’s home. Even if it’s your very best friend, or your son, or your sister, you really don’t know. What you know is what that person told you. You have one side.
That said, being upset with the soon-to-be ex, and having feelings of hatred or blame or anger is acceptable and very understandable. But just for a second, remember that you took your soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law or son-in-law or daughter-in-law into your family. So, now that it’s over, do you truly want that person out of your life? Does he or she mean nothing to you?
What parents and siblings of divorced people should ask themselves is, “If I loved this person while my son or daughter or brother or sister was married to him or her, then don’t I love them still? Don’t I care what happens to them in the future? Or do I want to just dump them, take my loss and move on?”
So much depends on the circumstances, and each divorce is entirely different. If my best friend was divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her, I would hate him, and I would not want to stay in touch. If, on the other hand, my best friend and her husband of 25 years were divorcing because they grew apart and wanted to go their separate ways, that’s a different story.
There are boundaries, of course. I have a friend whose sister is having drinks with and getting together with her ex-brother-in-law. I think this is unacceptable behavior and tells a lot about the sister’s character. In other words, it’s NOT okay. But, it IS okay to send a birthday card, or call someone if they are ill.
Not all divorcees get dumped by their in-laws. I have a really good friend who is very close with her ex-sister-in-law. They do things together all the time. I know a guy who just drove his ex-sister-in-law and her new husband to the airport for their honeymoon.
In closing, here’s my advice. If you get divorced, expect NOTHING from your in-laws. Then, you’ll never be disappointed or hurt. Let them come to you (or not come to you) thereby showing you their true colors. I think it’s okay to reach out one time, and maybe say you’re sorry that things didn’t work out, maybe tell them how much you care about them (if you do, that is) and how much you hope you can remain close. And then, you have to be done. You have to move on and accept the loss, just as you are accepting the loss of your husband or wife.
And the last thing is, if you run into them and they don’t say hi, make sure you say it. Smile and be friendly and kind. If they are rude, so what? No one ever went wrong with kindness.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/did-your-inlaws-dump-you-_b_3372060.html
Getting along with the in-laws is never easy but it could be the secret to a long and happy marriage, according to new research.
Husbands who enjoy a good relationship with their in-laws have a 20 per cent higher chance of avoiding divorce, an American study has found.
However, the opposite is true for women. Wives who get on well with their in-laws are 20 per cent more likely to split up.
According to researchers at the University of Michigan, women who enjoy the company of their in-laws may become too involved with their husband's family, to the point where wives believe their in-laws are meddling.
Men do not share the same worries, which could explain the discrepancy between husbands and wives.
Dr Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor who led the study, said it's a positive aspect of a relationship if men get on well with their in-laws because "these ties connect the husband to the wife".
However, women do not view relationships with in-laws in the same way, she said.
"Because relationships are so important to women, their identity as a wife and mother is central to their being," she said.
"They interpret what their in-laws say and do as interference into their identity as a spouse and parent."
She added that wives should be wary of sharing details of their marriages so that boundaries are kept in place.
The study at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research examined 373 same-race couples over a period of 26 years, beginning in 1986.
All the couples were aged between 25 and 37 and had been married for a year or less when the study began. Dr Orbuch has followed them throughout their years of marriage.
Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/in-law-relationships-and-divorce-2012-11?IR=T
For most women who have gone through a break up or divorce, the pain can be hard to express. There's a feeling of rejection, trying to wrap your brain around what went wrong and how you could've kept your family together. For me, watching my parents who had an arranged marriage go through many ups and downs and wondering as a child how they stayed together despite it all made me aware of the fact that marriage is no fairytale. When kids are involved, they sometimes take you on paths that are for their well-being rather than your own. It certainly makes a difference if, through it all, you have a strong family support network including a good relationship with your in-laws. Many friends of mine have been talking lately about the challenges they face with negative relationships with their in-laws, and the struggles on striking the right balance between keeping the peace with the in-laws for the sake of the kids and preserving their own self esteem.
This topic of in-laws and managing relationships can be so wrought with angst and lately I've been bombarded by stories from fellow moms. It has compelled me to write something. Nadia Shah (MSW), is currently married and lives with her mother-in-law and brother-in-law. "We take care of them financially. It's a complete role reversal," says Shah. She is also licensed as a clinical social worker (LCSW) and works full time as a clinical social worker for an Orange County mental health clinic. She has a great site on the subject called, www.southasianinlaws.com. She talks to us about how a separation can affect your relationship with your in-laws and how we as moms can manage that.
After a divorce/separation, how can your relationship change with your in-laws; What challenges might a mother face?
Naturally the relationship with in-laws will change once you're divorced. A recently divorced mother will need to be prepared for a number of challenges. The main one will be trying to maintain a pleasant family environment for the child/children. There is a possibility that her in-laws or her ex will be saying negative things about her to the children and there is a possibility she may be expressing negative thoughts also. In addition to that, any divorcee needs to be aware that mixed feelings may arise when interacting with her ex or her in-laws. It's natural to feel a variety of emotions when dropping the kids off at her ex's or bumping into him somewhere else. Another challenge will be adjusting to a different family structure. Maybe the mother had support from her in-laws or was friends with her sister-in-law and hopefully she can continue some level of closeness with them but she should be prepared for change all around.
California mom, Vaishali also known as @ChaiChatter on twitter, recently talked about her experiences here. She says, "The biggest challenge I've come across I separating myself from being their Bahoo to now being their grandkids' mom. Although they've made a valiant effort to maintain a relationship with me, I'm the one that has separated the old from new hurt feelings have come about -- but felt I needed to do that to disassociate myself from the past as much as I can given the circumstances in which I was divorced."
If the relationship was a good one (with in-laws that is) how can that be maintained once a separation has occurred?
As we all know, we can only control our own actions therefore if you want to maintain the relationship, you have to be the one to put in extra effort. This means openly saying to your in-laws something along the lines of, "We have been family for (X number of years) and I would like to continue our relationship. I understand that there will be a lot of changes for all of us. What can I do to keep you a part of my life?" Don't expect your in-laws to come to you and and put in the extra effort. They may be coming from a culture that practices indirect communication or be hesitant to approach you because they may think you want to disconnect. Make it clear what you want. Also to avoid resentment, I highly recommend not talking bad about your ex to your in-laws. Even if the whole divorce was your ex's fault, you shouldn't complain to your in-laws if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with them. They may already realize your ex (their family member) did something horrible, but no one wants to hear anything negative about their family members even if their family member is at fault.
If the relationship was a negative one prior to the breakup, should you try and continue to maintain a relationship with in-laws and how can this be done in spite of a breakup?
Unfortunately, many in-law relationships are unhealthy and negative, especially within our culture. In this situation, you still have the responsibility of maintaining at least a decent relationship with your in-laws for the benefit of your children. There is no such thing as "too much love" for kids so try to keep your in-laws involved in your kids' lives. That might mean, calling them to invite them to birthday parties or sending your kids over to their house for holidays. You should avoid saying anything negative about your in-laws and your ex to your kids. I would hope your in-laws and ex would also avoid saying negative things about you but there is that possibility that they won't hold their tongue. Maybe you should consider talking to your in-laws and making it clear that you plan on maintaining a relationship with them for your kids' sake.
Also, gently request that all parties involved not say negative things about each other in the presence of kids and that you would like to maintain open communication. If this is too uncomfortable for you, consider having a third party or therapist involved as a mediator to negotiate the relationship. Everyone has a responsibility toward the children involved.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/masalamommas/relationship-with-inlaws-divorce_b_2738099.html
I've been divorced for three years, and my mother is still hoping it's just a phase.
"Are you sure you don't want to invite him on vacation?" she will ask me of my ex-husband, whom she still adores.
Although my ex and I include each other on every holiday, kid's birthday and special occasion, I'm not going to be inviting him along on vacation anytime soon. We're in a great — but still divorced — spot.
Still, she asks. And I'm hardly an exception.
A divorce may separate a couple, but it doesn't necessarily extend to members of the other's family. And this, in turn, leads to tricky situations. What do you do when your family is in love with your former spouse? Or you're in love with your former in-laws? How does everybody establish boundaries while still keeping the peace?
Although it's not always easy to maintain or sever ties, it's worth the effort to recognize the situation and find the best solution for everyone involved. In many ways, it's easier today than it was in earlier generations.
"I was a product of a divorce in the '80s and any time my parents and extended family were in the room, it was so uncomfortable," said Linda Perry, a divorce consultant and author of the ebook on mediation, "A Clearer Path — The Divorce Consultants' Complete Guide to Divorce." "But today, my kids — who are products of divorce — find it incredibly easy to be in the same room with my former in-laws and me because my ex and I set the foundation that (it's) OK for everybody to get along."
Perry said that unless there was a history of physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, making it important to limit if not end personal connections, having a friendly relationship with your ex and/or his or her family can be very beneficial — especially if children are involved.
"In divorce, you don't only lose a partner, you lose an entire side of the family," Perry said. "The old way of doing things was to declare war, but today, it's about finding new ways of communicating."
And these days, it's easier than ever to find new ways.
Technology makes it simple to stay in touch, from an emotional or geographic distance, especially if being together in person is too emotional, said Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and author of "How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know" (HarperOne).
Here are additional tips from the experts on navigating post-divorce relationships:
Create a schedule. Connecting with "ex-laws" on pre-determined dates defuses potential jealousy or resentment from all parties.
Perry, who is also an integrated life coach, has worked with many couples to establish a schedule, either with a mediator or through a counselor, to address time spent with former in-laws.
"I had a couple set things up in mediation and it avoided so many problems," Perry said. "They talked about when the grandparents will see the kids and what the holidays would look like. It helped lay the groundwork for how things would go for all of them, and the extended family had to follow suit."
Set boundaries. If you and your former in-laws are still lovey-dovey, be senstitive to your ex's feelings; a divorced spouse watching from the sidelines as his or her parents continue a close relationship with an ex can be mildly annoying to highly exasperating. If you're the frustrated party, talk to your own family first.
"My mom stayed close to my ex-husband for a while and she would call him and invite him to things all the time and finally, I had to say, 'Please check with me first,'" Perry said. "Enforce it gently — there's no need to be defensive. Just say, 'This is a sensitive issue for me and it's OK to include him from time to time but I need to be sure that it's something I'm confortable with.'
"And you may have to enforce that boundary over and over. It really takes time for them to get used to it because divorce is also hard on them too."
Kaiser agrees that being specific is the best way to set those boundaries.
"You have to think of every scenario that might come up and see what you would be comfortable with, and then relate that to your family," Kaiser said. "If your ex has a birthday party, are you OK with your parents going? You can make ground rules that say, 'I'm OK with you having a relationship with my ex but it would really bother me if you ... called him regularly or attended a big event without telling me.' Be very clear so there are no hurt feelings."
Ask your former in-laws how they'd like to move forward. "Sometimes you're closer to your ex's family than you are to your own so letting go of that daily contact might be tough," Kaiser said. "Some can handle it while others need a clean break because it's painful, so I think the first thing you do is check in with the ex's family and say, 'Are you wiling to have a relationship with me even though I'm not married to your son or daughter? I still consider you to be family and want to be in your life.'"
But be prepared to accept that your former in-laws aren't ready for a relationship, Kaiser said.
"It's hard (not to take this personally) and it's completely normal to feel sad, hurt and even angry," she said. "This is a decision they made because of their relationship with their child, and it does not pertain to anything about you, your personality or your behaviors. If you do believe that they are not having contact because of something that you have done wrong, then it's important that you apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes, and let them know that you're hoping they will change their mind."
Be honest with yourself about your motives. Are you sure you aren't clinging to an ex's family in the hopes that you will still be connected to your former spouse?
"For some people, desire to be in contact with an ex means that either they are harboring some hope of getting back together or that they are still trying to keep the connection that they once had," Kaiser said. "A lot of people who want to be in contact with their ex don't take the time to figure out the underlying motivation for it and as a result can end up hurt, blindsided or rejected. It's important to be clear in your own mind about your reasoning for wanting to stay connected."
The benefits of distance. Staying too close to your ex in-laws can also be counterproductive, Perry said.
"I worked with a man whose ex-wife spent summers with his parents because they just loved her so much," Perry said. "She didn't have a family and was very attached to his, but this has cost this man several relationships because the new girlfriends can't handle how much the ex-wife is in his family's life. So while it's nice to be in contact, you have to find a balance."
Technology to the rescue. "Traditionally, the old-school way was (that) all ties were severed during a divorce and your ally was your blood relative," Kaiser said. "Nowadays, there's email, and texting. You can be in peripheral touch in a way that you couldn't before we had cellphones and email."
Social media is another option. "With Facebook, you can keep those former in-laws in the loop with pictures but it's not intrusive or hurtful," Kaiser said. "The best practice is to try and find a balance between taking care of what you need and being considerate of everyone else's feelings."
Know where to find help. Kaiser said finding the right emotional support can help during those tough times.
"When you're feeling particularly vulnerable, sad or angry, you want to go lean on a support system filled with those who are your people. They're on your team. Whether it's your immediate family, a therapist or a close friend, they will tell you all the things you need to hear."
Perry also suggests the following sites: http://www.2houses.com/en, http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/, http://www.bothparents.com/wordpress/.
"These are great online co-parenting tools that help people organize their scheduling and finances after they are divorced — and it works whether the couple is talking or not," Perry said.
Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0722-divorce-inlaws-20140720-story.html
