Recently, I wrote an article about the Malignant Divorce. These are cases that spin out of control in dark and often dangerous ways. Over the next few months I'll continue this conversation, because even when a divorce is not particularly toxic, there are still moments in most divorces when you still have to protect yourself. And if you are in the midst of a Malignant Divorce, forewarned is forearmed. This post offers a direct follow up to the first tip that was referenced in the article. In simple words: if you're trapped in a malignant situation, you must come to terms with the kind of person your ex spouse has become. And if you don't, you're in trouble. The Intelligent Divorce book series promotes a rational approach to dissolving a family even though feelings are charged. We are not looking for perfect behavior here. Parents under the stress of money worries, legal concerns, stories of betrayal, and uncertainty about the future are going to make mistakes—even big mistakes. But there is so much at stake for their children, that it is worth stepping back and trying to divorce in as intelligent a way as possible. I am not arguing for the easy divorce, just a more intelligent one. For the record (and, if it's not obvious), intelligent does not mean stupid. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to hang tough, not be particularly friendly and set good limits. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to recognize that you are dealing with a spouse who is out to hurt you or your children. And, there are cases when all your communication must be done through attorneys because a moment on the phone or in person is just too loaded. A Malignant Divorce is instigated when one party simply wants to win at all costs. In these cases, intelligence is using all of your wits just to survive. Here is the first point (of seven) that I made in the original overview of The Malignant Divorce. You are dealing with an ex-spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy. When getting a divorce you must be aware of whom you are dealing with. This may not be as easy as it appears; after all you were living with him for a number of years and may perceive his behavior as normal—or at least tolerable, when it is anything but. More fundamentally, your ex-husband or ex-wife may not be quite the same person he or she was during the marriage. It is called regression, and it is not a good thing. The stress of divorce, which includes the instinct of self preservation, can make your ex (or you, for that matter) function at a more primitive and therefore, less healthy manner.The Intelligent Divorce; Taking Care of Yourself outlines ten common Character Traps that people fall into when regressed. For those professionals reading this piece, I use the concept of a Character Trap, instead of the more diagnostic term, Personality Disorder, because these primitive, and sometimes, dangerous regressions are often time limited to the years surrounding the divorce. Unlike Personality Disorders which have a strong degree of permanence, Character Traps describes a phenomena of stress induced dysfunction that is often less obvious beforehand or years later. Character Traps are a construct that can provide something to hang your hat on, because they make sense. People who have dropped into a Character Trap are potentially dangerous because they (like Personality Disorders) are not vulnerable, as a rule, to ambivalence. This can be disastrous to the healthier spouse in a divorce. If an unambivalent person is in a conflict with a person who is more open minded, it can be very bad for the healthier person. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. You will give him the benefit of the doubt (which in normal cases builds trust) and he exploits it. She says something bad about you to the kids, and you let it pass (which in normal cases may just be an isolated incident) and she sees herself as vindicated by your silence. That is why it is so important to wake up and realize with whom you may be dealing. Regressed people often "know" that they are right, and therefore have a powerful moral authority to do as they please. This is a dangerous recipe for abuse that can range from financial manipulation, to parental alienation (from mild to severe), to kidnapping or even, rarely—murder. Today, we'll go over the Character Traps (your ex can have more than one) that can set off a Malignant Divorce: The Victim: This Character Trap is dominated by the certainty and injustice of being wronged. She believes that she lost precious years with you or that you are unfit to have anything to do with the children, because of what you've done (This Character Trap only applies when it is a distortion of the truth—note that it can be adaptive if an ex-spouse is truly dangerous). Victims are paradoxically ruthless in victimizing anyone who they believe hurt them. They have a powerful sense of justice and self righteousness. They also work from a kernel of truth, which makes their claims that much more powerful; this can be conscious and manipulative or more deeply unconscious and even, psychotic. I have seen terrible things done in the name of victimhood. If you are dealing with any Character Trap therapy is a must, so you have a chance to objectively decide how to stay safe and have a shot at having a relationship with your children. Many perpetrators of parent alienation have these features. Victims, paradoxically, can have a lot of power. They are often supported by family, attorneys, and even therapists, who fail to see that there is another side to the story. The Control Freak: He was probably always controlling during your marriage, and because of regression, he has become far worse. In these cases, the control freak is really very anxious, but manages it by planning everything so that he cannot lose. He may set you up and then document your "incompetence", bringing copious notes to court to prove how capable he is and how irresponsible you are (for an example, turn to Alfred Hitchcock's Gaslight). The control freak can easily hide your mutual monies, because many are good businessmen who have control of the accounts. The control freak is unambivelent in his wish to win, and the more capable they are, the more work you will have in protecting yourself. Since you were married to him for a number of years, you may also be intimidated by the power of his relentless assault to your very legitimacy. Once again, therapy is mandatory. The Narcissist: This Character Trap carries the same name as the personality disorder. The narcissist is completely self-centered and self-serving. In this case, your husband probably had some narcissistic tendencies before the divorce. Some warning signs include: a need for admiration, a need to be right, a need to be seen by the community as a great guy, and a need to criticize you privately for not meeting his standards. In addition, he's probably a charismatic and successful guy (maybe that's why you fell for him in the first place) who casually uses his charisma to get what he wants—often at the expense of other people. Now, your ex has regressed into a more severe form of narcissism. With the divorce, he completely dismisses any of your needs, or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community. And, need I say it? An excellent therapist can help. The Avenger: This character trap is very dangerous and can be a natural extension of the victim, the control freak or the narcissist—if taken to an extreme. The avenger doesn't just want to win, she wants you to lose. She will not be satisfied until you are hurting. Many roads lead to Rome and many paths lead to the avenger. Melanie Klein, the great British psychoanalyst wrote about this psychology when she talked about envy, which she defined as "the pleasure one gets in destroying the good that another person has." There is a sense of urgency with an avenger. In a divorce, most people have a moment when they may consider some kind of revenge. It is normal to want to hurt a person that hurt you. But the vast majority of people see that there are two sides to most stories, and furthermore they just want to move on with their lives, if for no other reason than to give their children a brighter future. The avenger sees revenge as an end in itself. In my experience, when the avenger is combined with the victim Character Trap, such people can lose touch with reality. She will stop at nothing to make sure that you cannot be happy. At its worse, the kids literally become pawns in an evil game. In recent years, the politically charged label of parental alienation has been buttressed by research supporting that this insidious dynamic is probably a real phenomenon. Parental alienation is an attempt to deprive you of your children through a form of brainwashing. And what about kidnapping or murder? The avenger may really think, "If I can't have them, he sure won't." Or, "If I don't keep them from him, no one will." If you think that you are dealing with an ex-spouse who has these tendencies, then you will need a good attorney, a great therapist, and a familiarly with how to constructively use the police and the legal system. Forewarned is forearmed; and that is the intelligent approach to a Malignant Divorce. Years from now, your ex may be surprisingly easy to deal with. Time sometimes heals, as long as not too much damage has been done along the way. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201111/do-you-have-impossible-ex
One of the issues with divorce parenting is the question of relationship role modelling. How will children learn what a good relationship looks like if they never see one? How will they learn how to treat someone in a marriage? More specifially—how will they learn to deal with conflict? This is a sensitive issue for me, because I blame conflict avoidance in large part for the demise of my marriage to my children’s father. I have learned that in order to keep a relationship healthy, you can’t let things simmer below the surface for years.
I don’t know how valid of a concern this is, since children are actually in relationships already—just not romantic ones. In fact, I think the sibling relationship is a pretty good foundation for learning how to treat people you live with, but even if kids don’t have siblings, they have parents, teachers, and friends. But since most if not all divorced parents have guilt and anxiety about parenting—and they tell me non-divorced parents also have guilt and anxiety about parenting as well—I thought it was a nice subject to obsess about for an afternoon.
My kids and I have been cohabitating with my SigO for several years now. He and I present (I think anyway) a stable relationship role model for the children. But is it too stable? The nature of shared parenting allows us to do all our fighting when the kids aren’t home, or at least when they are sound asleep. The boys have never seen us fight. Oh sure, they have witnessed a clipped sentence followed by, “We’ll talk about that later,” on one or two occasions, but by-and-large we present as a happy couple that never argues. Which is a lie.
The current parenting trend is one that discourages arguing in general. We expect our precious little darlings to talk it out and never raise their voices to each other, which is all well and good in a utopia, but not actually how I operate in my own life.
Sometimes I get mad at my SigO. Sometimes I use a harsh tone of voice. Sometimes I am completely irrational and refuse to back down and it is only after an hour of arguing with him that I can finally see my own part in the problem. OK, full disclosure, sometimes it is a few days before I am ready to compromise. And I don’t think this is that unusual.
For example, yesterday my SigO cleaned the whole house and put the dish soap under the sink. I put the dish soap back on the counter when I washed dishes and left it there, because dish soap belongs on the counter. He came in the kitchen and put it back under the sink. We had words about the ideal location for dish soap, and they weren’t all philosophical.
I think a lot of stupid arguments aren’t actually stupid, they are just about the wrong things. We fight over things like dish soap when we really are mad about who cleans the most, or who makes the bigger mess. In this instance, my SigO is definitely a far more thorough house cleaner than I am, and I provide the things that make the most mess—children and pets. But I am the one who cleans most often, and therefore feel like I get to decide where the dish soap resides, since I use it most of the time. But of course this whole spat (and its resolution) happened out of sight of the children. By the time they came home from Daddy’s everything was smooth and easy again.
I don’t want to fight with my SigO in front of the children. I don’t want to argue with anyone in front of the children. So how are my kids going to learn that it is OK to fight, sometimes necessary to fight (particularly if they live with someone who hides the dish soap) and that there are acceptable ways to argue and ways that cross the line? I spent several hours of a road trip contemplating my failure as a parent for not role-modeling conflict resolution, before I came to an important realisation: In less than two years my eldest will become a teenager. This will naturally present all the angst and strife we will need! I am sure we can all look forward to several years of arguments around the dinner table and in the hallway at midnight. I’ll relax, and keep our grownup strife out of their view for just a little while longer. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/are-we-too-stable-conflict-role-modeling-after-divorce_us_5930254ee4b017b267ee0099
In times of challenge it feels like the world is conspiring against us. Every incident, event and encounter feels like another blow sent to knock us off track. There are the things that need to be resolved with our ex and the inevitable arguments to weather. Simply keeping our day-to-day life on track can feel like more than we can possibly deal with.
It’s tempting to give up. It feels like the world is conspiring against us. We risk becoming defined as a victim of circumstance, constantly dealing with hardship and someone who just can’t get a break.
What may just help if you feel like this, is that I’ve grown to realise is this is simply a reflection of life for EVERYONE. We often choose only to see the positives in the lives of others and compare those to the negatives in our own.
The scale of the challenges and the source of the difficulties may be different, but we all go through times of challenge and hardship. It’s the nature of life.
Whether it’s financial troubles, illness, bereavement, injury, falling victim to crime or facing prejudice, EVERYONE will at times encounter the obstacles that seem to block them on the path they thought was theirs for life.
We can choose to view these disruptions as blockers to our path, and keep fighting to get back on what we believe is the track we should be on, or we can accept them as the prompts for learning and growth, as part of the journey.
Maybe an illness isn’t just our health and vitality letting us down, but instead a timely warning to consider whether our lifestyle, habits, stress-levels and priorities are in balance.
Perhaps financial difficulties aren’t just a hardship to be accepted, but instead a prompt to evaluate our spending and our attitude to money and risk.
A strained friendship may not just be the result of a difference of opinion but instead an indicator that you’ve merely drifted apart, your outlooks and needs have changed and the friendship doesn’t serve either of you anymore.
Things change, life changes, the path changes.
In divorce, disruptions arise which you can view as blockers to your path, or alternatively as opportunities to learn, grow and progress.
The failure of your relationship may be a relief, or it may be devastating. Rather than it being cause for feelings of resentment or yearning, perhaps it’s a chance to evaluate whether your ex truly met your needs, nurtured and loved you as you needed, and whether that relationship was giving you what you wanted and deserved.
If you had become needy and dependent, or controlled and manipulated then maybe this is your prompt to rediscover yourself, prioritise your own needs and recapture independence.
Being separated from your kids, or losing out on custody may feel like the cruellest outcome in the process. You can suffer and protest about this to all who will listen, regretting that you’ll never be able to give your kids a ‘conventional’ upbringing. Alternatively, you can make the choice to consciously and deliberately parent your kids to the best of your ability when you have them. You can choose to be the role-model you want to be and still strive to be a powerful and positive force and influence in their life. You just have to be creative about how you do it.
Everyone experiences hard-times in life. I believe that these events are life teaching us the skills and lessons we need to grow, learn and to live the best life we can possibly live.
While it can be hard to rise-above the immediate obstacle and see them as anything more than problems, I can guarantee that you will look back in years to come and see how much they taught you and how far you’ve come.
Any divorce is difficult, even when the split is amicable. After all, divorce is a major transition, and change is tough. When your divorce is contentious, not surprisingly, things are harder. A lot harder. “People are often caught off guard by the enormity of the divorce experience,” said Krysta Dancy, MA, MFT, a therapist who specializes in working with couples and families in Roseville, Calif. If your marriage was contentious, you probably see your divorce as a relief, so you might feel blindsided when your stress skyrockets. You might feel utterly exhausted, anxious, depressed and unfocused, Dancy said. You might start second guessing yourself. You might question your ability to make good decisions for you and your family, said Amy Broz, a marriage and family therapist intern who works with high-conflict couples. This may stem from being in an abusive marriage. “Often, the reason my clients are going through a contentious divorce to begin with is because they have been [physically, verbally or emotionally] abused in some form or another.” You might not even feel like yourself, Dancy said. You might feel out of control, Broz said. You might be “worried and afraid, uncertain of what the future holds.” How do you stay sane when it feels like you’re swept up in a tornado? Below, Dancy and Broz shared five suggestions.
Create a “divorce-free zone.”
You might feel like you need to be available around the clock to deal with your divorce. Or you might feel like you need to be perpetually prepared for the latest battle. “Often, people are afraid to leave arguments unanswered because they fear their ex will score some big moral victory,” Dancy said. Plus, thanks to technology, you’re probably bombarded with texts and emails throughout the day (and night). Many of Dancy’s clients get emails or texts first thing in the morning, during their work day and when they’re out with friends. Constant communication means you’re constantly on high alert. Which “allows the divorce to consume your life,” Dancy said. No wonder you’re stressed out and anxious. This is where good boundaries come in. Because as Dancy said, “You are getting divorced to have less of this person’s influence in your life, remember? [T]he more involved you are in the conflict, the more you are still in a relationship with your ex.” She shared these examples: A “divorce-free zone” might mean setting specific hours for dealing with your divorce—a time when you’re mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the necessary tasks. It also might mean turning off your phone and muting notifications.
Identify your goals—and use them to guide your actions.
What are your goals for your divorce? What are your desired outcomes? Dancy suggested creating a list of goals and priorities—and disregarding any irrelevant drama. For instance, your priorities or desired outcomes might be: “a workable pickup/drop-off schedule for a child, a desire to see the divorce end quickly and inexpensively, or [her favorite] an emphasis on restoring peace and boundaries in your life.” The next time a conflict arises, ask yourself: Does it “increase or decrease my chances of achieving my ultimate goal?” This way, you: a) don’t get dragged into a trivial fight (and surround yourself with more chaos); and b) save your energy for what’s really important. Asking the above question helps you “see outside of the anger or contention of the immediate, and make sure you are still heading in the direction you most want.”
Find moments of calm.
Find practices that help you calm down and unwind anytime, anywhere. For instance, Broz’s clients like the progressive muscle relaxation exercises from the Calm app for reducing anxiety and depression. You might search for meditation videos on YouTube, which you can watch before bed. You might listen to these self-compassionate guided meditations. Or you might start attending a weekly yoga class.
Figure out which type of communication you prefer.
How you communicate is another vital boundary you can set. For instance, you might “move communication to email so that you can be mentally prepared before approaching it, and…have the chance to proofread before sending,” Dancy said. You also might stop texting with your ex. “It is often a source of conflict and contentious communication, running through late nights and ruining beautiful moments.”
Treat your ex like a challenging colleague.
With a challenging colleague, “you have to work together, but you don’t have to get personal,” Dancy said. Which means you respond to requests and concerns in a clear, professional manner, and disregard the rest, she said. What does this look like? For instance, along with their text about picking up the kids, your ex includes a dig or two. Instead of getting sucked into yet another argument, you only respond to the part about pick-up arrangements, Dancy said. And remember that it’s OK to seek support, which all of us need from time to time, whatever we’re going through. Especially a difficult divorce. “It can be highly beneficial for individuals to seek out a qualified therapist to help them navigate the murky, uncharted territory of a contentious divorce,” Broz said. Because your well-being is important. And whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to prioritize your health. Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/09/05/5-suggestions-for-navigating-a-contentious-divorce/
In its simplest terms, divorce means separation. You’re splitting up. You’re breaking up. The two of you have made a decision to disconnect, detach and distance yourself from each other. But what about the relationships you have formed with other people because of your marriage? What happens if you don’t want to sever those ties? In other words, when it comes to divorce, what do you do if your in-laws dump you? I’m not trying to be funny by saying this, but often times, if you can’t stand your in-laws, your divorce suddenly has a plus side. Think about it. You never, ever have to go out for lunch or brunch or dinner with them ever again! But, what if you actually like your soon-to-be ex’s family and friends, and they basically tell you to lose their number? When I got divorced, my ex-husband’s entire family stopped communicating with me. I seriously have not spoken a word to any of them, other than an occasional “hi” in passing at one of my children’s sporting events. At the beginning, when we first got separated, I kept waiting for a phone call. “We’re really sorry this is happening,” I thought they’d call and say. Or, “Is there anything we can do?” Or even, “We don’t want to get involved, but we just want to let you know we are thinking of you during this difficult time.” Nothing. I realize now just how naïve I was. I was the bad one, in their eyes. I was the enemy. I was ending my marriage to their son, their blood. I was the witch. The devil. The things is, I don’t expect anyone’s in-laws to side with the non-blood relative, and I don’t expect them to be best friends with him or her. But, in my case, when I was married, my ex’s family was really nice to me, so to go from feeling like part of their family to being completely dismissed without a word was very hard, and it deeply hurt me. It made me wonder, is an in-law’s love all an act? Is it conditional love? When you get married, are your in-laws just taking you in as one of their own because of your marriage license? I actually know a person who told his family that he forbid them to speak with his ex, and they obeyed. Someone else I know was told by her ex-sisters-in-law that she was prohibited from attending her ex-mother-in-law’s funeral, even though the ex and her ex-mother-in-law were still really close, and the woman would have wanted her there. There is also a guy I know whose ex-mother-in-law will not even attend her own grandchildren’s birthday parties, because she doesn’t want to look at her ex-son-in-law. She’s so selfish that she’d rather miss the party (and hurt the kids) than show up and just be polite, regardless of her hostile feelings. I think the families and friends of someone getting divorced need to be open minded, and think with their hearts, versus instinctively jumping to the conclusion that the person who is divorcing their loved one is evil and deserves to be dumped. No one knows what went on in a divorcing couple’s home. Even if it’s your very best friend, or your son, or your sister, you really don’t know. What you know is what that person told you. You have one side. That said, being upset with the soon-to-be ex, and having feelings of hatred or blame or anger is acceptable and very understandable. But just for a second, remember that you took your soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law or son-in-law or daughter-in-law into your family. So, now that it’s over, do you truly want that person out of your life? Does he or she mean nothing to you? What parents and siblings of divorced people should ask themselves is, “If I loved this person while my son or daughter or brother or sister was married to him or her, then don’t I love them still? Don’t I care what happens to them in the future? Or do I want to just dump them, take my loss and move on?” So much depends on the circumstances, and each divorce is entirely different. If my best friend was divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her, I would hate him, and I would not want to stay in touch. If, on the other hand, my best friend and her husband of 25 years were divorcing because they grew apart and wanted to go their separate ways, that’s a different story. There are boundaries, of course. I have a friend whose sister is having drinks with and getting together with her ex-brother-in-law. I think this is unacceptable behavior and tells a lot about the sister’s character. In other words, it’s NOT okay. But, it IS okay to send a birthday card, or call someone if they are ill. Not all divorcees get dumped by their in-laws. I have a really good friend who is very close with her ex-sister-in-law. They do things together all the time. I know a guy who just drove his ex-sister-in-law and her new husband to the airport for their honeymoon. In closing, here’s my advice. If you get divorced, expect NOTHING from your in-laws. Then, you’ll never be disappointed or hurt. Let them come to you (or not come to you) thereby showing you their true colors. I think it’s okay to reach out one time, and maybe say you’re sorry that things didn’t work out, maybe tell them how much you care about them (if you do, that is) and how much you hope you can remain close. And then, you have to be done. You have to move on and accept the loss, just as you are accepting the loss of your husband or wife. And the last thing is, if you run into them and they don’t say hi, make sure you say it. Smile and be friendly and kind. If they are rude, so what? No one ever went wrong with kindness. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/did-your-inlaws-dump-you-_b_3372060.html
There’s a common perception that women siphon off the wealth of their exes and go on to live in comfort. It’s wrong.
A 38-year-old woman living in Everett, Washington recently told me that nine years ago, she had a well-paying job, immaculate credit, substantial savings, and a happy marriage. When her first daughter was born, she and her husband decided that she would quit her job in publishing to stay home with the baby. She loved being a mother and homemaker, and when another daughter came, she gave up the idea of going back to work.
Seven years later, her husband told her to leave their house, and filed for a divorce she couldn’t afford. “He said he was tired of my medical issues, and unwilling to work on things,” she said, citing her severe rheumatoid arthritis and OCD, both of which she manages with medication. “He kicked me out of my own house, with no job and no home, and then my only recourse was to lawyer up. I’m paying them on credit.” (Some of the men and women quoted in this article have been kept anonymous because they were discussing sensitive financial matters, some of them involving ongoing legal disputes.)
“The only way to curtail the divorce-industrial complex is to create an alternative pathway to divorce that keeps courts and judges out of the process.” “Your divorce is something you have to rely upon. You need to be able to go back to it.”
She is far from alone. Despite the common perception that women make out better than men in divorce proceedings, women who worked before, during, or after their marriages see a 20 percent decline in income when their marriages end, according to Stephen Jenkins, a professor at the London School of Economics. His research found that men, meanwhile, tend to see their incomes rise more than 30 percent post-divorce. Meanwhile, the poverty rate for separated women is 27 percent, nearly triple the figure for separated men.
Women like the mother in Washington, who leave the workforce for several years, will likely see their earnings stunted when they resume working. The main reason women suffer the brunt of divorce’s financial burdens, according to Jenkins, is that during marriage, they are more likely than men to stop working in order to raise kids. “The key differences are not between men and women, but between fathers and mothers,” he told The Guardian. On top of that, divorce proceedings alone can pose a serious financial burden. According to Divorce Magazine, a trade publication, the cost of divorce varies wildly, from as little as $8,500 to well over $100,000. An accurate average is hard to nail down, but estimates usually fall within the range of $15,000 to $30,000. And if the split is relatively amicable, costs can sometimes be as low as $250 to $3,000, according to Lee Borden, a divorce lawyer in Alabama. These burdens tend to fall disproportionately on women, and, in its usual way, the market has recognized that: A handful of firms have started providing loans—some of them for hundreds of thousands of dollars—to women so that they can properly argue their case in court. The loans’ interest rates can be high, but one firm estimates that applicants typically win assets worth three times the amount of their loan. But without such outside help, many find themselves trapped, and it’s not just women who can experience divorce’s ill financial effects. Bari Weinberger, a family-law attorney working in New Jersey, says that while child support and alimony can cause hang-ups in court, it’s also the case that many people simply cannot afford what they’re ordered to pay, and end up defaulting because they are out of options. “You now have two households and one check to make ends meet. And it’s not easy,” Weinberger said. “When men come to us looking for advice on how to handle this support, we can’t create the funds that aren’t there.” Weinberger says that because of the inevitability of alimony and child support, she advises ex-partners to make peace with paying for support before proceedings even begin. “The judge is going to order how much you pay and for how long, once you go to court, and that’s it,” she says. (If spouses choose to divorce via a settlement, she notes, they have a little more flexibility.) And alimony and child support don’t always flow from ex-husband to ex-wife. Many men fear they’ll be ridiculed when others find out they’re receiving money from their exes, Weinberger says. Some would rather forgo their monthly stipends than swallow their pride, even if they are the stay-at-home parent bringing in no income.
Of course, the messiness of life can cause serious stress before there’s time to have a judge step in. When asked what she got out of her divorce, a mother in New Hampshire I spoke to simply says: “divorced.” Having been married to her husband for two years and having been the mother of their child, the woman found herself without any financial safety net when they split abruptly. “He would not contribute to any expenses,” she said. “He gave me 15 days to get off his cellphone plan, and expected that I wouldn't default on our rent, which was $1,600 a month. I sold my cellphone for food and got a prepaid number.” To get out from under that debt, she needed to submit official divorce paperwork, which wasn’t cheap. “I managed to find a sympathetic lawyer to whom I still owe a ton of money,” she said. “I sold my car and all my furniture to afford the retainer. Then I prepared and filed the initial motion myself.” Technically, though, even if this mother and people like her don’t know it, they might have access to some of their spouses’ money. Cotton says that because women are still legally married while filing for divorce, they therefore might have a legal right to their partner’s funds. “If someone calls me and says, ‘I need an attorney but I have no money,’ I remind them they’re not divorced yet, so they actually do have money,” he says. “In those cases, I file a motion asking for retaining fees and the other person’s lawyer will cut a check.” But that route isn’t an option in every scenario. The mother in Washington suffers from several chronic illnesses and conditions, and while her health is currently on the mend, her savings have dwindled to nothing—having been used on house and condo payments, appliances, and basic necessities—since she separated from her husband. She says that when they were together, she even paid off her husband’s student loans. With shared money, they bought residences, but put them under her husband’s name. She has been left with no way of procuring income. Given her health, she said she would normally qualify for disability, but can’t because she didn’t have enough work credits in the past decade to get into the system, since she was busy as a stay-at-home mom. Though she and her husband are not yet divorced, her spouse was ordered by a judge, after they entered a request for legal separation, to pay her $1,000 a month while the paperwork was finalized. But she says it’s not enough to live on, particularly because she still takes care of her two girls during the day. “Don’t get me wrong—I want my kids all of the time, but he uses me like free childcare. I watch the girls all day every day, but I can’t afford groceries and basic utility bills anymore. I’m really scared,” she says. Mothers or fathers without income can make their cases to a judge, Cotton says, based on their contributions to the household. “One of the things they can say is, ‘I had these specific work skills but I took care of the child for our family, instead of going back into the workforce.’” Doing this increases the likelihood of receiving a livable amount of money from their estranged partners. Still, many spouses don’t know that, and the court system is often confusing and inaccessible to them. And in some cases, women get manipulated by their partners. For instance, one woman was living in Missouri when she and her husband of three years divorced. While they had no children together, the woman said she agreed to unfavorable terms just to get the process over with. “I didn’t know what choices I had,” she said. “My ex scared me, and I felt I had nowhere to go. He was mentally abusive and sexually aggressive, and he threatened to drag it out in court until I lost the little savings I had left. So I cut my losses and ran.”
Why does divorce so often lead to situations like this, and is it possible that there’s another way to handle them? Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at The University of Minnesota, argues that having the courts involved sends a cultural message that divorce is a contest—a relic of the old, fault-based system, in which people could only dissolve their marriage if they could prove their partner did something that in a judge’s opinion made cohabitation unbearable. “No-fault divorce was intended to take a lot of conflict out of the divorce process, but it has not lived up to that goal because court-based processes carry the baggage of being adversarial in nature,” Doherty says. “The system makes a lot of money this way,” he adds. “The only way to curtail the divorce-industrial complex is to create an alternative pathway to divorce that keeps courts and judges out of the process.” Making the process of divorce cheaper certainly wouldn’t erase the post-divorce earnings disparity between men and women, but it could still help ease the shorter-term financial burdens that arise. In that vein, Doherty helped write the Cooperative Private Divorce bill, which the Minnesota state legislature is expected to vote on during its next session, according to Doherty. The bill, if passed, would make divorce an administrative agreement, much like marriage. Under the bill, couples would have the freedom to craft their own agreements in their own language in as much or little detail as they want. Once it’s filed, they have the option to go back and amend the agreement down the line, should they see the need to. The forms will have guidelines and suggestions for language regarding property and child custody, as well as warnings to help make sure neither party is being coerced or manipulated during the agreement process. “We’ve developed a coercion self-screening tool, so that people who are likely to be coerced during the process by their partners will be steered away from this,” Doherty said. To obtain a divorce under this bill, Doherty says, couples would first go through an online orientation educating them about the process. If they decide to go through with it, they would file an online form stating their intention to divorce. Minnesota’s Bureau of Mediation Services will have staff members to give personalized help to those who need it, but there would be no third-party or judicial review, according to Doherty, as the point of the bill is to leave the couple to come to an agreement themselves and then submit it to the BMS. After a three-month waiting period, they would file the finalized agreement and sign off on it. Then they would receive a certificate of divorce through the mail. No courts, no lawyers, no judges. Right now, there are other options available to those who don’t want to enlist the services of lawyer. There is an option to handle it pro se, which means that each side represents himself or herself in court, filling out and filing the paperwork on his or her own, and showing up in court to arrive at a final agreement. One man I talked to from Gainesville, Florida, orchestrated his own divorce after four years of marriage in order to save on attorney fees. “I went to the courthouse on my lunch break most days. Each time, I asked the clerks questions and when they told me my lawyer had to file certain documents, I told them I was my own lawyer,” he said. “It’s not easy, but if you’re patient, you can do it.” Doherty says the Minnesota bill is different from pro se because it prioritizes ease of use. “In pro se, people have to follow the arcane language and rules of the court system,” he said, “and the common person doesn’t have the background to do that without at least some confusion. So it gets tossed back to them because they’ve forgotten to dot some i’s or cross some t’s.” But Cotton, the divorce lawyer in Boston, cautions that courts offer some benefits that more-streamlined divorces don’t. He says that most people who think they can part ways amicably are mistaken. Joint bank accounts, real estate, and child custody can prove to be more difficult to hash out than they seem. “One of the big problems we have in court already is that people think they can do this themselves,” he said. “By giving people an administrative option, you could be putting children at risk because people grow and evolve and change. The needs of a nine-month-old are very different from the needs of a nine-year-old and if you don’t have a contract with the courts to enforce how that child is to be raised, then you have no place to go with it.” Another woman I interviewed, a mother and doctoral candidate living in Alabama, is discovering that what seemed to be a cheaper alternative—using mediation instead of litigation—may have only been a short-term solution. With this option, both parties sit down with a professional mediator to attempt to come to an agreement, and then bring in lawyers only to finalize that agreement and give legal advice during the process. This can save thousands of dollars, but it only works smoothly if the parties easily arrive at an agreement. “For us, it was surprisingly easy, fast and cheap,” she says. “It cost maybe $200, all told. But the long-term ramifications have been much more difficult. Our custody agreement is very loosely defined as joint custody, but now that my ex-husband has a serious girlfriend in another state, I have to seek out a lawyer to protect my parental rights.” The woman says that in hindsight, the way she divorced simply delayed the inevitable litigation, and in the interim, she’s been stuck with what she feels is an unfair portion of living expenses. “Mediators can sometimes make things better, but there’s no real licensing for it,” Cotton says. “There is no governing body that holds anyone to anything.” He adds that “your divorce is something you have to rely upon. You need to be able to go back to it. With a divorce, you can get in front of a judge within days if something isn’t going right. If you only have a contract, it can take six to nine months. In those months, if you need money for medication or heat or child support, you could actually die. The last thing you want is your divorce breaking on you.” Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/
I got some of what the court ordered, but not all. At some point I stopped fighting, and not because I was weak or lazy. I let go of that money because it was the right thing to do. Money is often cited as the No. 1 thing divorcing couples fight over. Financial disagreements clog the courts and wrack up attorney bills — not to mention burn untold units of stress and misery for each party, their children and anyone within earshot. This money-related financial tension carries over after breakups and divorce. Often, women tell me that they can’t move forward with their lives because they are stuck financially because of money their ex owes. They can’t afford to go back to school and advance their career because there is no money for child care, or can’t get out of debt because he won’t pay. He may very well owe you that money. Morally and legally, you may be entitled to it. But sometimes you can be so right, you are wrong. After all, the average sum of child supported ordered monthly is less than $300, and total child support owed is actually paid just 40 percent of the time. What if you let that all go and focused on earning big, big money. I want ever woman to understand what it feels like to be financially independent. Only then do you truly step into your power, and live your life in the biggest, most authentic way possible. 6 SIGNS YOU SHOULD STOP FIGHTING YOUR EX FOR FINANCES 1. IT’S COSTING YOU MORE MONEY THAN YOU STAND TO RECEIVE IN A SETTLEMENT. Life is not fair. There are laws designed to protect women and children in divorce, and there is also the universal law of what is just. But there is also the legal system, and it is messed up, unfair and is designed to support mainly the right. Unless you’re Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods, there is often a very low threshold to cross before it stops making sense to spend money on lawyers to get what you are owed. Do the math. Then take a deep breath. Let the breath go. And let that money go, too.
2. YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR MONEY HE DOESN’T HAVE. You can’t get blood from a stone, as the old adage goes. Sure, he may owe you tens of thousands of dollars in back child support. You could have the courts take his car and send him to jail. But if you honestly know that he doesn’t have that cash, do you really want to do that? Yes? What do you get in return? 3. YOU’RE BUILDING A LIFESTYLE AROUND SOMEONE ELSE’S MONEY — THAT YOU MAY NEVER GET. When you create a budget based on money you get from someone else, you are dependent on them. This is never a good idea. For financial reasons, that money may never materialize — or suddenly disappear. Men’s child support and alimony doesn’t show up if he loses his job, becomes disabled and cannot work, dies, refuses to pay for whatever reason, or has another child and is allowed by the courts to pay less. Plus, don’t you just want to stop fighting and earn your own money? Doesn’t that sound really, really delicious — to never be dependent on him or another man again?
4. YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR MONEY IN DIVORCE OUT OF SPITE. Anger and spite are normal. God knows I’ve spent a lot of time being pissed at my ex! But exuding all that negative energy to take revenge is not a good reason to fight for money — even if you’re entitled to it. Good reasons include providing a better life for yourself and your kids and/or because the money is genuinely yours. 5. HE NEEDS THE MONEY MORE THAN YOU DO. Maybe each of your financial situations have changed. Maybe you have indeed moved on and are now killing it financially. Maybe he lost his job and is struggling. Maybe you’re both stable, but you see that the money in question could help him out a whole lot more than it could help you. And now that you’ve moved forward, and you are no longer spiteful and angry, you have the energy to do the right thing. 6. FIGHTING FOR MONEY IS EXHAUSTING AND BAD FOR THE KIDS. Divorce is one of the most stressful, draining crises a person can go through. In many cases — especially if there are children and significant assets involved — it is worth taking your time with a good lawyer to negotiate a fair settlement. But until the mailman delivers the manilla envelope containing your sighed divorce decree, you will likely feel that your whole world is in limbo. Letting some stuff go moves everyone forward — including the kids. After all, the more conflict between you and your ex, for whatever reason, means the children suffer at the hands of it. He might legally owe you, but sometimes you can be so right you’re wrong. 7. YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK WHEN YOU FIGHT YOUR EX FOR MONEY. Deepak Chopra tells us that human beings have infinite energy, and I accept that to be true. But we are also physical beings living in the real world, and a girl only has so much to go around. When you are dependent on his money, you are dependent on HIM.Dependence is never healthy. It holds you back, keeps you embroiled in a romantic relationship that is over, with someone who you likely don’t care for much. You have a choice: Spend your time, energy and power to fight with him, or invest that time and energy and power in yourself to earn far more money than he owes you from his 401(k). After all, when it comes to earning and building wealth, the sky is the limit! MY MANTRA: THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL. Source: https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/6-reasons-fight-youre-owed-divorce/
We've all no doubt experienced times in life when we lose the resolve and resilience to carry on with good habits and positive practices. It can be as simple as falling out of the habit of going to the gym, meditating, carefully managing our money or giving our relationships the attention they deserve. When this happens, we have a choice whether to quickly acknowledge this, and pick up the good habits again, or to lament the fact, hating or judging ourselves and delaying getting back to the good habits. When this happens, we NEED to get back on the horse and pick up with the good habits again to see their effects in our life.
Inspired by one of my recent blog posts (http://bit.ly/2VTzCdi) this video explores what our reactions can be when we lose the good habits and how to approach picking them up again. I refer to my own experiences of losing the habit of going to the gym and looking after my health. I managed a solid 6 months of gym going in 2018 before losing the habit! I found the excellent book, the Four Hour Body by Tim Ferriss which helped me to rediscover my resolve and to start looking after myself again, but it was only at the start of the new year when I started back at the gym in earnest. You can pick up the Four Hour Body at https://amzn.to/2DdUk0a
If your plans, habits and good intentions have been knocked off track, maybe this video will help you to restore your motivation and get back on the horse!
If you have any comments or feedback on this episode you can reach out by email on toby@kintsugilife.co
If you'd like to receive the occasional message from me containing thoughts, information or inspiration related to living a better life after divorce, you can join my mailing list at the following link: bit.ly/Choosing-to-Thrive
Children need both parents after a divorce. Loving your children enough to foster a strong relationship with their other parent can be hard; here are 7 tips to prevent your children from becoming casualties of your bitter custody battle.
How could loving your children more than you hate your ex affect your custody process? “Love your children more than you hate your ex,” I tell every potential divorce and child custody client when I meet with them. While that phrase seems like a no-brainer on the surface, children can often become an afterthought during a contentious divorce. You and your ex-spouse are expending all your energy fighting over money, alimony, child support, who gets which assets, and who get which debts.
The issues that lead to divorce – money issues, infidelity, communication breakdown, or basic incompatibility are commonly cited as factors – often bleed over into the divorce itself and to the actual child-custody decision-making and proceedings. Unfortunately, the pain and anger that one spouse may have experienced because of the acts of the other can warp how the two soon-to-be-ex spouses view each other as co-parents. Bad Parenting is Almost Never the Reason for Divorce I frequently ask prospective clients to list the reasons why they (or their spouse) is seeking a divorce, and I rarely hear issues associated with the other spouse’s parenting style or involvement with the children as the cause of divorce. Obviously, there are situations where the child has been abused by one parent; in those situations, the fight to protect the child is entirely appropriate. However, the vast majority of child-custody cases during or after divorce are fought over one spouse saying that the other wasn’t involved enough. Ironically, when divorcing spouses reach the phase of dealing with child custody, many of them “suddenly remember” that the other spouse is the worst parent in the world. Assuming, for argument’s sake, that the other parent is a “terrible parent,” I almost always ask how important the other parent’s involvement would be in the child’s life, and the “good parent” admits that ongoing involvement is important. Despite this admission, many of them still do everything possible to limit the other parent’s involvement with their children. Past Conflict gets Dragged into the Child Custody Process Emotional wounds the spouses inflicted upon each other during the marriage cause the pain, anger, and disdain to flare right back up during a custody case, and the children are pawns in this rehashing – or escalation – of old marital fights. Each party argues that they are “only trying to protect their children” from the other spouse, or that the other spouse’s “lack of involvement” with the children during the marriage should limit their interaction with the kids today. Invariably, all the sacrifices, hard-work, and hours spent with the children are instantly forgotten by the other spouse.
Bitter custody battles are often fought when pain and anger from the failed marriage bleed over into the decision-making process associated with custody. But, if the spouses are able to step back and look at the other spouse as a parent who loves their children – not the fire-breathing dragon that has taken over their memory – they remember that the other parent wasn’t around as much because they were busy working to support the family. They may also remember that the other spouse rushed from work each day to pick the kids up and help them with homework, or that one spouse may have given up their professional dreams and goals to be a parent. Loving Your Children Means Ensuring a Strong Relationship With Their Other Parent Love your children more than you hate your ex. Most parents know that the other parent should be involved in their children’s life. Having a strong, stable and loving environment between both parents is immensely important and is integral to the emotional and mental wellbeing of the child. When spouses take the position to view the other spouse as their child’s parent, it can change their perspective on what custody arrangement is in the best interest of the child. Loving your children enough to ensure that their relationship with their other parent is the focus is a hard thing to do. Letting some of the anger and pain unrelated to the child custody issues go is daunting. But your children should not be a casualty of the war of divorce. 7 Tips to Stop Your Children from Becoming Casualties of Your Custody Battle Here are seven suggestions for learning to see your ex-spouse as the loving co-parent of your children rather than the former romantic partner who let you down so badly. To do this, you must love your children more than you hate your ex.
Make a realistic and honest list of who has primarily taken care of the children since birth. List it by year. With that list, also note what the other parent was doing at that time.
List the pros and cons regarding your children having equal time between both parents. Although hard, separate the obvious emotional strain you will experience from not being around your child while they are with the other parent.
Consider how your children view the other parent. Most children love both parents; your kids may need reassurance that it’s OK to continue to love their other parent after divorce.
Consider what impact not having a relationship with their other parent would have on your children. What effect would the lack of a meaningful relationship have on the child when the other parent is prevented from showing up to Daddy-Daughter Dance or Mother-Son brunch? How would your children feel about not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day with their other parent?
How would you view your actions if you were the other parent? Are you being reasonable?
How would your children view your actions 10 to 20 years from now? Would they resent you? Would they believe that you damaged or destroyed their relationship with the other parent?]
Consider seeing a family therapist to help you work through custody issues amicably – or at least respectfully – with the other parent. The focus in this therapy setting is not to rehash the issues of the marriage or divorce, but to focus on co-parenting and creating a happy, healthy future for your children.
Any divorce is difficult, even when the split is amicable. After all, divorce is a major transition, and change is tough. When your divorce is contentious, not surprisingly, things are harder. A lot harder. “People are often caught off guard by the enormity of the divorce experience,” said Krysta Dancy, MA, MFT, a therapist who specializes in working with couples and families in Roseville, Calif. If your marriage was contentious, you probably see your divorce as a relief, so you might feel blindsided when your stress skyrockets. You might feel utterly exhausted, anxious, depressed and unfocused, Dancy said. You might start second guessing yourself. You might question your ability to make good decisions for you and your family, said Amy Broz, a marriage and family therapist intern who works with high-conflict couples. This may stem from being in an abusive marriage. “Often, the reason my clients are going through a contentious divorce to begin with is because they have been [physically, verbally or emotionally] abused in some form or another.” You might not even feel like yourself, Dancy said. You might feel out of control, Broz said. You might be “worried and afraid, uncertain of what the future holds.” How do you stay sane when it feels like you’re swept up in a tornado? Below, Dancy and Broz shared five suggestions. Create a “divorce-free zone.” You might feel like you need to be available around the clock to deal with your divorce. Or you might feel like you need to be perpetually prepared for the latest battle. “Often, people are afraid to leave arguments unanswered because they fear their ex will score some big moral victory,” Dancy said. Plus, thanks to technology, you’re probably bombarded with texts and emails throughout the day (and night). Many of Dancy’s clients get emails or texts first thing in the morning, during their work day and when they’re out with friends. Constant communication means you’re constantly on high alert. Which “allows the divorce to consume your life,” Dancy said. No wonder you’re stressed out and anxious. This is where good boundaries come in. Because as Dancy said, “You are getting divorced to have less of this person’s influence in your life, remember? [T]he more involved you are in the conflict, the more you are still in a relationship with your ex.” She shared these examples: A “divorce-free zone” might mean setting specific hours for dealing with your divorce—a time when you’re mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the necessary tasks. It also might mean turning off your phone and muting notifications. Identify your goals—and use them to guide your actions.
What are your goals for your divorce? What are your desired outcomes? Dancy suggested creating a list of goals and priorities—and disregarding any irrelevant drama. For instance, your priorities or desired outcomes might be: “a workable pickup/drop-off schedule for a child, a desire to see the divorce end quickly and inexpensively, or [her favorite] an emphasis on restoring peace and boundaries in your life.” The next time a conflict arises, ask yourself: Does it “increase or decrease my chances of achieving my ultimate goal?” This way, you: a) don’t get dragged into a trivial fight (and surround yourself with more chaos); and b) save your energy for what’s really important.
Asking the above question helps you “see outside of the anger or contention of the immediate, and make sure you are still heading in the direction you most want.” Find moments of calm.
Find practices that help you calm down and unwind anytime, anywhere. For instance, Broz’s clients like the progressive muscle relaxation exercises from the Calm app for reducing anxiety and depression. You might search for meditation videos on YouTube, which you can watch before bed. You might listen to these self-compassionate guided meditations. Or you might start attending a weekly yoga class. Figure out which type of communication you prefer.
How you communicate is another vital boundary you can set. For instance, you might “move communication to email so that you can be mentally prepared before approaching it, and…have the chance to proofread before sending,” Dancy said. You also might stop texting with your ex. “It is often a source of conflict and contentious communication, running through late nights and ruining beautiful moments.” Treat your ex like a challenging colleague.
With a challenging colleague, “you have to work together, but you don’t have to get personal,” Dancy said. Which means you respond to requests and concerns in a clear, professional manner, and disregard the rest, she said. What does this look like? For instance, along with their text about picking up the kids, your ex includes a dig or two. Instead of getting sucked into yet another argument, you only respond to the part about pick-up arrangements, Dancy said. And remember that it’s OK to seek support, which all of us need from time to time, whatever we’re going through. Especially a difficult divorce. “It can be highly beneficial for individuals to seek out a qualified therapist to help them navigate the murky, uncharted territory of a contentious divorce,” Broz said. Because your well-being is important. And whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to prioritize your health. Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-suggestions-for-navigating-a-contentious-divorce/
When you’re dealing with a high-conflict custody dispute, it’s important to remain level-headed and stand your ground. Here are some tips for coping when your ex repeatedly tries to antagonize you over your custody arrangement: Practice self-awareness. You can’t change how the other person behaves, but you can change the way you respond or contribute to the situation. Especially if you’re dealing with an extremely high-conflict personality who’s manipulative or accustomed to getting his or her own way, focusing on what you know to be true about yourself and the situation will help you stay grounded. Write it all down. Start keeping a journal where you can document not only your interactions with your ex, but also your own feelings. In particular, you’ll want to look for patterns that can help you create routines for dealing with the situation. And remember, your goal isn’t to change your ex’s behavior -- because you don’t have any control over that. What you want to do—and can do—is identify small changes that will make the situation easier for your children and yourself. Surround yourself with positive influences. Think about who you listen to most. Is it your best friend? A family member? Make an intentional effort to surround yourself with positive people who will help you be more assertive without unnecessarily making you more upset or adding drama. Set boundaries with your ex. Put limits on when you’ll answer the phone, text, and meet to discuss the situation. For example, let your ex know that you’re available until 8 p.m. to talk on the phone or text, but that your phone will be set to silent after that. And when you need to discuss custody and other issues in person, make a point of meeting in a public place where you feel comfortable. Compromise when appropriate. You don’t want to become a doormat or for one voluntary compromise to suggest that your ex can have his or her way all the time. However, it can be extremely effective to proactively offer up a compromise that is important to your ex but doesn’t cost you more than you’re willing to give up. When possible, try to be as flexible with you ex as you’d like him or her to be with you. Work with a lawyer you trust. Don’t attempt to navigate a bitter custody battle on your own. Hire an attorney who knows the child custody laws in your state and has experience practicing family law. If money is an issue, contact your state Bar Association for referrals to pro-bono legal services and legal clinics in your area. Develop a written parenting plan. Put your agreements down on paper so that you have something to refer to when either of you asks for changes or claims that the custody arrangement isn’t being followed. Some states require a parenting plan, but even if your state doesn’t, a clearly written parenting plan will make it more difficult for your ex to manipulate the situation or claim that you’re not following the plan you both agreed to. Be sure to include details like transportation, when each visit will start and end, and how you plan to handle school holidays, as well. Most parents will see improvement with the steps outlined above. However, if you’re experiencing a particularly high-conflict custody dispute with an individual who’s become aggressive or unstable, it may be safer to back off. The following recommendations are for situations where safety may be compromised by continuing to use rational communication methods: Seek counseling. Particularly if you’re trying to co-parent with a narcissistpersonality, you should consider speaking with a professional. This will give you a safe place to unload all that you’re dealing with while also providing strategies for coping and remaining differentiated from any drama your ex is attempting to stir up. Minimize contact. If your ex frequently lashes out at you, take steps to minimize contact with him or her. While I don’t recommend zero contact, unless safety is an issue, it can helpful to limit contact to conversations that are absolutely necessary. Stay on topic. Avoid venturing off into topics that could worsen the conflict between you. For example, don’t bring up old arguments that aren’t likely be resolved and don’t allow yourself to react when your ex tries to stir up trouble with accusations or inflammatory words. Consider a restraining order. This is only recommended in situations where your safety or your children’s safety is at risk. Never exaggerate circumstances in an effort to secure a restraining order, as this will only work against you. To get a restraining order, contact your local police station or—in an emergency—call 911. Finally, remember that the purpose of every communication with your ex is to facilitate his or her ongoing relationship with your children—a relationship that your kids have a right to experience. To the extent that you can, try to put your differences behind you and work toward developing a more healthy co-parenting relationship. And remember, your co-parenting relationship is still developing; with help, it won't always be as difficult as it is today.
Divorce Expert, Cathy Meyer Shares Her Experience of Co-Parenting With a Narcissist My son walked into the room and handed me the phone. “Dad can’t talk right now; he just poured a bowl of cereal and doesn’t want it to get soggy.” My ex, who hadn’t talked to his son in twelve days, was more concerned about his cereal becoming soggy than a few moments of communication with his child. That is what it is like to co-parent with a narcissist.
In fact, there is very little co-parenting that occurs with a narcissist, most of your time is spent attempting to undo the damage a narcissist does to his/her, children. The narcissist isn’t capable of “normal” maternal or paternal instincts. They view their children as objects meant to fulfill the narcissist’s needs, instead of the other way around. I recently found the list below on Jay Rusovich’s blog, The Downside of Sanity. I’ve not read a more appropriate description of the narcissist parent. If you are divorced from a narcissist I suggest you print out The 10 Commandments of the Narcissistic Parentand tape it to your frig. You will be referencing it often! The Ten Commandments of the Narcissistic Parent:
I am who I tell you I am.
You will tell me things I want to hear or you will not be heard.
You will feel the way I want you to feel or you will be forsaken.
Love is conditional upon the aforementioned.
Intimacy is vulnerability, and thus, death.
There is only one road in and out of here.
Children are like toys that become useless when they break, which is why they must be replaced with better toys.
Parents are really one person in two bodies. When they individuate, they die.
Conversely, siblings are really one person in several bodies. When one individuates, that person shall be hunted down and slaughtered for the greater good.
Narcissism is a myth.
Let’s go over all 10 briefly. Allow me to add my own two cents to what Jay wrote based on real life experience. 1. I am who I tell you I am:
Our children learned this about their father the hard way. I don’t suppose there is an easy way! Their father would say one thing, do another and when they questioned his behavior he would become highly offended. He thinks of himself as a loving, involved father even though he goes years without contact with his children. In his mind, he is loving and involved but doesn’t see or talk to his children because they have the audacity to point out to him that “loving and involved” fathers behave in a loving and involved manner. Since his children are people who know he is not who he tells them he is, he chooses to surround himself with people who will believe he is who he tells them he is. Confusing huh? Imagine being a child and attempting to intellectualize and rationalize such behavior from a parent. 2. You will tell me things I want to hear or you will not be heard: Refer to the example above. Our children didn’t tell their father he was a loving and involved parent so he now refuses to hear anything they have to say to him. He ignores text messages, doesn’t respond to emails. He is completely out of touch because they failed to tell him what he wanted to hear. 3. You will feel the way I want you to feel or you will be forsaken:
This is the one that does the most damage. The narcissistic parent places no value on his/her children’s feelings. When we don’t value other people’s feelings our actions can do irreparable damage to those people. Our son was upset over something his father wrote him in an email. He responded and told his father, “Dad, when you say things like that, it hurts my feelings.” His father responded and told our son, “I am not responsible for your feelings.” And then he went on to explain to the child just how unreasonable it was for his son to expect him to care about his feelings. You can’t tell a child in one voice, “I love you” and then tell them “If your feelings got hurt it is your fault” in the next and expect that child to not be emotionally damaged. 4. Love is conditional upon the aforementioned:
Yes, if a child refuses to feel the way the narcissistic parent needs them to feel; love, attention, caring, and concern from the narcissistic parent, all will be withheld. The bad news for the narcissist, their children eventually adjust and move on. That old saying, “out of sight, out of mind” works against the narcissist. I can, thankfully say, that, as adults, our children rarely think about or mention their father. When you withdraw your love from someone they will eventually “let go” of their love for you. 5. Intimacy is vulnerability, and thus, death:
The narcissist alludes to intimacy without becoming fully engaged in intimacy. True intimacy with another person means allowing yourself to become vulnerable and emotionally dependent. Vulnerability and dependency are the kiss of death to the narcissist. Your child will love the narcissistic parent; the narcissistic parent is only able to love what the child can do for him/her. An example: my ex is now divorced from his second wife. He has a wonderful relationship with his step-daughter from that marriage. Why is he able to maintain a relationship with a stepchild and not his own children? Because, his step-daughter thinks he hung the moon. She sings his praises, believes everything he says and makes sure he knows she feels proud to be able to call him "Dad."
6. There is only one road in and out of here:
And, it is a bumpy road! The road out is far more difficult to navigate. 7. Children are like toys that become useless when they break, which is why they must be replaced with better toys:
My ex replaced our children with his step-daughter. She reveres him, she extols his wonderfulness. She is much like his children were before the divorce. She will forever be the recipient of his goodness until she questions his behavior or, disagrees with a belief he holds. When that happens she will learn how bumpy that road out can get. And, how quickly he can cut people out of his life. 8. Parents are really one person in two bodies. When they individuate, they die:
When my ex and I divorced in his mind I was dead. I was no longer an object that was of any use to him so any needs, feelings or desires I had became of no consequence to him. Since I was no longer important to him he felt our children should view me through his eyes…I was someone who didn’t matter. He could not co-parent with me; doing so would mean acknowledging me as an individual outside himself. To him I am not an autonomous human being, I’m something he tired of and discarded. The fact that our children love me and refused to also abandon their relationship with me plays an important role in his inability to continue to have a relationship with them. 9. Conversely, siblings are really one person in several bodies. When one individuates, that person shall be hunted down and slaughtered for the greater good:
When we divorced our children were 14 and 7 years old. The older child was quick to call his father out for hurtful behavior. The younger child made excuses and did whatever he could to keep his father happy. All the younger child cared about was spending time with his Dad. Due to that he detached himself from the emotional pain and focused on pleasing his father. Our older child individuated, became separate from his brother and had to be done away with emotionally. Our older son in now 32-years-old. His father has rarely acknowledged him since the divorce. He came to his high school graduation after four years of never attending a parent/teacher meeting, extracurricular activity, regular visitation and refusing to enter into counseling. That is the only time since our divorce that he has shown interest in our older child. His child was “hunted down” and “slaughtered” emotionally. 10. Narcissism is a myth: I believe that a narcissist knows they are different. They realize they are unable to form normal emotional attachments with others. Admitting to that difference would mean becoming vulnerable to the opinions of others. It is for that reason that most narcissists will deny their disorder. The narcissist is awesome, just ask him/her. Awesome people don’t have personality disorders dontcha know? For the narcissist, any relationship problems are about YOU, certainly not about them and their awesome selves. I tell clients who are co-parenting with a narcissist to keep their expectations low. Don’t expect the narcissist to tackle parenting with the same parental instincts they have. And, never believe that you can “get through” to the narcissist and hold them accountable. Focus on your parental duties, be diligent in cleaning up the emotional messes the narcissist leaves behind and get your children into therapy. They are going to need it! Source: https://www.liveabout.com/an-experts-experience-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-1103119
