I've been divorced for three years, and my mother is still hoping it's just a phase.
"Are you sure you don't want to invite him on vacation?" she will ask me of my ex-husband, whom she still adores.
Although my ex and I include each other on every holiday, kid's birthday and special occasion, I'm not going to be inviting him along on vacation anytime soon. We're in a great — but still divorced — spot.
Still, she asks. And I'm hardly an exception.
A divorce may separate a couple, but it doesn't necessarily extend to members of the other's family. And this, in turn, leads to tricky situations. What do you do when your family is in love with your former spouse? Or you're in love with your former in-laws? How does everybody establish boundaries while still keeping the peace?
Although it's not always easy to maintain or sever ties, it's worth the effort to recognize the situation and find the best solution for everyone involved. In many ways, it's easier today than it was in earlier generations.
"I was a product of a divorce in the '80s and any time my parents and extended family were in the room, it was so uncomfortable," said Linda Perry, a divorce consultant and author of the ebook on mediation, "A Clearer Path — The Divorce Consultants' Complete Guide to Divorce." "But today, my kids — who are products of divorce — find it incredibly easy to be in the same room with my former in-laws and me because my ex and I set the foundation that (it's) OK for everybody to get along."
Perry said that unless there was a history of physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, making it important to limit if not end personal connections, having a friendly relationship with your ex and/or his or her family can be very beneficial — especially if children are involved.
"In divorce, you don't only lose a partner, you lose an entire side of the family," Perry said. "The old way of doing things was to declare war, but today, it's about finding new ways of communicating."
And these days, it's easier than ever to find new ways.
Technology makes it simple to stay in touch, from an emotional or geographic distance, especially if being together in person is too emotional, said Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and author of "How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know" (HarperOne).
Here are additional tips from the experts on navigating post-divorce relationships:
Create a schedule. Connecting with "ex-laws" on pre-determined dates defuses potential jealousy or resentment from all parties.
Perry, who is also an integrated life coach, has worked with many couples to establish a schedule, either with a mediator or through a counselor, to address time spent with former in-laws.
"I had a couple set things up in mediation and it avoided so many problems," Perry said. "They talked about when the grandparents will see the kids and what the holidays would look like. It helped lay the groundwork for how things would go for all of them, and the extended family had to follow suit."
Set boundaries. If you and your former in-laws are still lovey-dovey, be senstitive to your ex's feelings; a divorced spouse watching from the sidelines as his or her parents continue a close relationship with an ex can be mildly annoying to highly exasperating. If you're the frustrated party, talk to your own family first.
"My mom stayed close to my ex-husband for a while and she would call him and invite him to things all the time and finally, I had to say, 'Please check with me first,'" Perry said. "Enforce it gently — there's no need to be defensive. Just say, 'This is a sensitive issue for me and it's OK to include him from time to time but I need to be sure that it's something I'm confortable with.'
"And you may have to enforce that boundary over and over. It really takes time for them to get used to it because divorce is also hard on them too."
Kaiser agrees that being specific is the best way to set those boundaries.
"You have to think of every scenario that might come up and see what you would be comfortable with, and then relate that to your family," Kaiser said. "If your ex has a birthday party, are you OK with your parents going? You can make ground rules that say, 'I'm OK with you having a relationship with my ex but it would really bother me if you ... called him regularly or attended a big event without telling me.' Be very clear so there are no hurt feelings."
Ask your former in-laws how they'd like to move forward. "Sometimes you're closer to your ex's family than you are to your own so letting go of that daily contact might be tough," Kaiser said. "Some can handle it while others need a clean break because it's painful, so I think the first thing you do is check in with the ex's family and say, 'Are you wiling to have a relationship with me even though I'm not married to your son or daughter? I still consider you to be family and want to be in your life.'"
But be prepared to accept that your former in-laws aren't ready for a relationship, Kaiser said.
"It's hard (not to take this personally) and it's completely normal to feel sad, hurt and even angry," she said. "This is a decision they made because of their relationship with their child, and it does not pertain to anything about you, your personality or your behaviors. If you do believe that they are not having contact because of something that you have done wrong, then it's important that you apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes, and let them know that you're hoping they will change their mind."
Be honest with yourself about your motives. Are you sure you aren't clinging to an ex's family in the hopes that you will still be connected to your former spouse?
"For some people, desire to be in contact with an ex means that either they are harboring some hope of getting back together or that they are still trying to keep the connection that they once had," Kaiser said. "A lot of people who want to be in contact with their ex don't take the time to figure out the underlying motivation for it and as a result can end up hurt, blindsided or rejected. It's important to be clear in your own mind about your reasoning for wanting to stay connected."
The benefits of distance. Staying too close to your ex in-laws can also be counterproductive, Perry said.
"I worked with a man whose ex-wife spent summers with his parents because they just loved her so much," Perry said. "She didn't have a family and was very attached to his, but this has cost this man several relationships because the new girlfriends can't handle how much the ex-wife is in his family's life. So while it's nice to be in contact, you have to find a balance."
Technology to the rescue. "Traditionally, the old-school way was (that) all ties were severed during a divorce and your ally was your blood relative," Kaiser said. "Nowadays, there's email, and texting. You can be in peripheral touch in a way that you couldn't before we had cellphones and email."
Social media is another option. "With Facebook, you can keep those former in-laws in the loop with pictures but it's not intrusive or hurtful," Kaiser said. "The best practice is to try and find a balance between taking care of what you need and being considerate of everyone else's feelings."
Know where to find help. Kaiser said finding the right emotional support can help during those tough times.
"When you're feeling particularly vulnerable, sad or angry, you want to go lean on a support system filled with those who are your people. They're on your team. Whether it's your immediate family, a therapist or a close friend, they will tell you all the things you need to hear."
Perry also suggests the following sites: http://www.2houses.com/en, http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/, http://www.bothparents.com/wordpress/.
"These are great online co-parenting tools that help people organize their scheduling and finances after they are divorced — and it works whether the couple is talking or not," Perry said.
Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0722-divorce-inlaws-20140720-story.html
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