It’s that time of year where many people begin thinking about everything they have to be thankful for. Although it’s nice to count your blessings on Thanksgiving, being thankful throughout the year could have tremendous benefits on your quality of life.
In fact, gratitude may be one of the most overlooked tools that we all have access to every day. Cultivating gratitude doesn’t cost any money and it certainly doesn’t take much time, but the benefits are enormous. Research reveals gratitude can have these seven benefits:
1. Gratitude opens the door to more relationships. Not only does saying “thank you” constitute good manners, but showing appreciation can help you win new friends, according to a 2104 study published in Emotion. The study found that thanking a new acquaintance makes them more likely to seek an ongoing relationship. So whether you thank a stranger for holding the door or you send a quick thank-you note to that co-worker who helped you with a project, acknowledging other people’s contributions can lead to new opportunities.
2. Gratitude improves physical health. Grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and they report feeling healthier than other people, according to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences. Not surprisingly, grateful people are also more likely to take care of their health. They exercise more often and are more likely to attend regular check-ups with their doctors, which is likely to contribute to further longevity.
3. Gratitude improves psychological health. Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, ranging from envy and resentment to frustration and regret. Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., a leading gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the link between gratitude and well-being. His research confirms that gratitude effectively increases happiness and reduces depression.
4. Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave less kind, according to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky. Study participants who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to retaliate against others, even when given negative feedback. They experienced more sensitivity and empathy toward other people and a decreased desire to seek revenge.
5. Grateful people sleep better. Writing in a gratitude journal improves sleep, according to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. Spend just 15 minutes jotting down a few grateful sentiments before bed, and you may sleep better and longer.
6. Gratitude improves self-esteem. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology found that gratitude increased athlete’s self-esteem, which is an essential component to optimal performance. Other studies have shown that gratitude reduces social comparisons. Rather than becoming resentful toward people who have more money or better jobs – which is a major factor in reduced self-esteem- grateful people are able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments.
7. Gratitude increases mental strength. For years, research has shown gratitude not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma. A 2006 study published in Behavior Research and Therapy found that Vietnam War Veterans with higher levels of gratitude experienced lower rates of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11. Recognizing all you have to be thankful for – even during the worst times of your life – fosters resilience.
We all have the ability and opportunity to cultivate gratitude. Simply take a few moments to focus on all that you have – rather than complain about all the things you think you deserve.
Developing an “attitude of gratitude” is one of the simplest ways to improve your satisfaction with life.
Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#32f080a2183c
How to not buy into feeling like a failure when your marriage ends
Have you ever heard anyone utter these words regarding divorce?
“I have two failed marriages.”
“How can you be so selfish?”
“We’re staying together for the kids.”
“But, we love each other. Why can’t we make it work?”
“But, you’re the perfect couple. Why couldn’t you make it work?”
“People who get divorced are afraid of intimacy.”
“I would never get divorced.”
The list could go on.
In our culture, we have so many preconceived notions about marriage and divorce—many, if not most, are unconscious. These beliefs include a soul-mate mentality (having to marry “The One”), and the idea that there’s something wrong with someone who cannot find or keep “The One.”
That’s a lot of pressure! In a time when we have so much choice, are these beliefs still pertinent? Or has the time come to stop and take a good hard look at what we’re doing?
In 2014, my, The New I Do, co-author, Vicki Larson, and I started what we called, “The Occupy Marriage Movement.” This wasn’t a message about whether or not gays and lesbians should have the right to marry (of course they should!), rather it was a call to action to stop all the shaming and blaming we do to those who don’t fit into the “one-size-fits-all” mold we call matrimony.
Take my friend, Brett. He is well into his 60’s and he’s never been married. Onlookers are quite sure that there’s something terribly wrong with him because clearly, he can’t commit. But he not only can commit, he does every time he’s in relationship (a state he’s in often!). Brett told me quite matter-of-factly one day, “I just don’t see the point of marriage but when I’m in relationship, I’m monogamous and devoted to my partner.”
Why does society make him wrong? Why is there only one acceptable way to form partnerships?
In my work with divorcing people, I see the tremendous fallout from shame people are subjected to. One woman told me the reason she never dated after her divorce was that she felt like “damaged goods,” even though the divorce was not her fault (her ex was an alcoholic and a rage-aholic). In her case, it was a sign of good mental health and self-preservation that she got out of that relationship. Yet, she couldn’t view it in any way other than that she had “failed” to keep the marriage together.
Last year, I came across a book that spoke to me in a big way because it carried the same message I’d been trying to get out there about letting go of our righteous indignation when others don’t do what they’re “supposed to” in the mating arena.
It’s called, Sacred Cows: The Truth About Divorce and Marriage, by Danielle Teller, MD, and Astro Teller, PhD. Both authors had been married and divorced prior to meeting and marrying each other. They compared notes and found that they’d had similar shaming experiences following their dissolutions. They began to talk to others who’d also been given grief by well-meaning friends and relatives. As they say in the book, these [attitudes] of condemnation “add unnecessary pain to a situation that is already plenty painful.”
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Sacred Cows pushes back and mocks the mockers! Each chapter outlines the behavior of a different attitude that they call “cows.” There are seven:
The Holy Cow: This person is especially righteous and unforgivingly rigid stating simply, marriage is always good and divorce is always bad. (Must be a Holstein – only seeing in black or white!)
The Expert Cow: Every problem a couple has can be fixed and therefore, if the couple divorces, it is undoubtedly because they didn’t try hard enough.
The Selfish Cow: Those who divorce are immature and selfish. Period. They will tell you that you have to compromise and lose yourself in service of the couple-ship. They will also say that you didn’t try hard enough to be in relationship if your marriage ends in divorce.
The Defective Cow: There’s something wrong with you because you couldn’t keep your mate. If I make you doubt yourself enough, maybe you’ll conform and be “normal.” (I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 43 and I can attest to the pressure I felt when people would say to me, “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you married?”)
The Innocent Victim Cow: These folks will spout the endless studies that “prove” how divorce harms children. They will advocate for the poor kids who, they believe, should stay in the home where the parents tear each other down and continue to be subjected to unhealthy relationship patterns. One advantage of bringing up kids who see marriage as a battlefield is that they will develop a high tolerance for bad behavior from their mate and will stay and suffer just like their parents did. But at least they’ll be married!
The One True Cow: This is the most romantic of the models and it’s the attitude that has done the greatest disservice to young men and women everywhere (luckily, Millennials aren’t buying into this ideal so much these days). There’s such a tremendous buildup to finding this one true love that when the trivialities of life and the billions of dashed expectations emerge (as they invariably will), the self-doubt it propagates is astounding.
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And, finally, The Other Cow: which states that no one should ever leave a marriage for another person. If you do, you are evil, weak, commit-a-phobic and a player.
So, what’s wrong with all these attitudes? In a word, presumption. They do not account for the many variables people encounter in their own unique relationship. We can never know what goes on behind closed doors. Like the neighbors I had years ago that clearly loved each other and used to delight in telling us how they met. They dressed alike and went everywhere together. They even looked and talked alike.
One day, they knocked on our door unexpectedly and asked if they could talk to us. They came in, sat down, and announced that they were splitting up. I literally got teary eyed—not because I thought they “shouldn’t” get divorced, but because it really threw me for a loop (Me! A therapist who specializes in divorce!). I thought they were so happy together.
It turns out the woman had been having an illicit affair for years and when confronted by her husband, she refused to give her paramour up. They just couldn’t come to an agreement about this so they parted ways. It happens.
This “perfect couple” that I made assumptions about was not so perfect after all.
One reason we shame people is because we are sad and don't want nice people to split up.
Another reason is because we want couples to obey “the status quo” so we know what to expect. If marriage is between a man and a woman and it lasts (happily) for a lifetime, then we feel safer. If marriage is open to gays and lesbians, if it only lasts five years, if it’s for any reason other than love, we stop being predictable and, therefore, we stop feeling safe. But sticking to an old, outdated script, and being safe are not the same thing and, in fact, they are much more likely to be opposing forces.
There’s no question that divorce can be hard on many people (not the least of whom are the kids), but the time has come to stop adding layers of shame to the pain.
I’ll leave you with a quote from an article (link is external) the Sacred Cows authors wrote recently:
“When divorce represents a couple’s best chance at future love and happiness, let’s imagine a world where empathy and support trump our old-fashioned concepts.”
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201603/shame-you-getting-divorce
Stressors and changes, both big and small, can lead couples to grow apart. Here's how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects.
Late last month, Boston Marathon bombing survivor Rebekah Gregory made headlines with the sad news that she was separating from her husband—who was also injured in the blast—less than one year after their dream wedding. Without knowing the couple, it's impossible to say what contributed to the dissolution of their marriage, but it's probably safe to say that the stresses of the last few years (surgeries, rehabilitation, major physical changes) may have played a role.
And while not everyone has to deal with things this catastrophic, most couples do face plenty of stressors and life changes, both big and small. We asked Elizabeth Ochoa, PhD, marriage counselor and chief psychologist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, to weigh in on life events that can sometimes lead to divorce—and how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects.
Illness
When one spouse develops a serious or chronic health condition, it can change the entire dynamic of a relationship. "Illnesses create debt and pain and loss of self," says Ochoa. "It can mean one partner isn't able to maintain his or her part of the deal, which requires the other partner to step it up. Some couples will be better at dealing with that than others."
Which spouse gets sick may have an affect on a couple's future, as well. A recent study from Iowa State University found that divorce rates were 6% higher among relationships in which wives had an illness such as cancer, heart disease, or lung disease. Divorce rates didn't increase when husbands were in poor health.
"Anecdotally, it might be harder for men to take on a caring role if the wife is unable to perform a lot of responsibilities that she'd normally do," says Ochoa. "But I think it depends on how the tasks of the marriage were divided up between spouses. If the husband is the one who stays home and runs the household, it might be an easier adjustment."
Job changes
A 2011 Ohio State University study found that men who are unemployed are more likely to leave their wives, and are also more likely to be left by their wives. And certainly, the loss of a job by either partner can cause stress about money, security, and responsibilities that can spill over into marital dissatisfaction.
But it's not just job loss that can create unhappiness between spouses. Anything that causes a shift in a couple's finances, schedules, or how they spend their time can be hard on a marriage—including a new job with new responsibilities. "If you stop prioritizing your marriage and allow it to play second fiddle to work, your partner will probably start to feel isolated and angry," says Ochoa.
Childbirth
You've heard of couples who divorced because one person wanted kids and the other didn't—but even when both parties are on board for babies, the reality of taking care of a newborn and raising children can sometimes lead to irreconcilable differences. In one study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 67% of couples experienced a drop in marital satisfaction within the first three years of a baby's birth.
"Having a baby is a typical life stress, and it can create problems in a marriage," says Ochoa. A couple's willingness to compromise and communicate openly—as well as each partner's personality—can help determine how they'll manage in their new roles, she adds. "Someone who already suffers from anxiety or depression may have a have a harder time adjusting to the birth of a child, because it will affect their ability to parent and cope with changes in their relationship."
On an interesting note, research has found that couples whose first child is a girl are more likely to divorce than those whose firstborn is a boy. But a 2014 Duke University study suggests that, instead of daughters somehow "triggering" divorce, girls may simply be hardier than boys in the womb—and may be more likely to survive pregnancies stressed by a troubled marriage.
Living apart
A 2013 RAND Corporation study of military families found that the risk of divorce among enlisted service members was directly related to the length of time they spent deployed. War veterans not only have to deal with extended periods of time away from their spouses, Ochoa says, but also must readjust to life as civilians and may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder when they do return.
Couples who decide to temporarily live apart for other reasons, such as work or family obligations, don't face all the same problems—but a separation can still take its toll on a marriage.
"Every person has different levels of comfort with closeness and distance to each other," says Ochoa. "If both people are comfortable with living apart, it can work well—but if there is a mismatch, based on fears about abandonment, trust, or fidelity, then living apart will strain the relationship."
Trauma
Couples who go through traumatic events together, like Rebekah Gregory and her husband Pete DiMartino, may grow closer—but they also may push each other away. "In order to heal, sometimes people need to let go of that painful experience and anything that reminds them of it," says Ochoa.
This can also be true for other tragedies, like the death of a loved one or a child, she adds. "Recollections can be triggered by the presence of the other person, and even just being with them becomes painful in and of itself."
Becoming empty-nesters
"Something I see a lot of now is divorce in Baby Boomers and the older population," Ochoa says. In fact, 2013 marked the first time more adults 50 and older were divorced, rather than widowed—and that number continues to grow as seniors live healthier and longer lives.
"Over time, couples may feel that they've lost their connection to each other or have a lack of intimacy—sometimes sexual, sometimes emotional, sometimes both," says Ochoa. Some may wait until their children are out of the house to finally deal with their problems, while others may suddenly discover they no longer have much in common with the person they married.
Infidelity
This is on the list, of course, but not as high up there as you might think. In fact, Ochoa says, affairs can often help couples work through underlying relationship problems, as long as both partners are willing to try.
"Cheating is often the thing that brings people to treatment, and sometimes they are able to see it as a starting point for new ways of communicating and reformulating their marital goals," she says. "Other times, it's the final nail in the coffin. If the affair has gone too far emotionally or gone on for too long, it's more difficult to get past."
What to do about it
No matter what life events you have ahead of you, being open and honest with your partner may help you weather the inevitable storms, says Ochoa. Don't be afraid to ask for help, either.
"Sometimes by the time couples come to me, there has been so much stress and deceit that it is likely, or inevitable, that a divorce will occur," she says. "I always tell people in that position that I wish they'd come to me long before it got to this point, and that they'd worked on their issues before they became insurmountable."
Source: https://www.health.com/stress/7-life-events-that-can-lead-to-divorce
Each person has their own way of dealing with their emotions and overall changes that appear after a divorce. Many men complain that their ex-wives behave in ways that not only trouble them, but also greatly affects the ones around them. And when it comes to ex-wife drama, it comes in various forms. Whether it’s the ex-wife causing the drama or you are causing it in relation to her.
Whether the source is her or you, there are certain aspects that everyone who has gone through a divorce should deal with. Here are some tips:
Clarify that the relationship is over
That does not mean only in words. Be it an explanation you are required to give your ex-wife or yourself and others in order for your previous partner not to be an issue in the present, it has to be definite and it has to be reinforced by action.
It is not enough to say that a relationship has ended. Your behavior has to emphasize the same thing. How you allow your ex wife to behave is partially also within the limit of your behavior. For instance, you might stop calling her, but always answering her calls and allowing her to do something that negatively influences your life will not help at all. As with marriage, divorce has to come from both sides. And sometimes it takes more than changing the way you think and behave.
Be consistent
One of the most common reasons for ex-wife drama is that men do not end things properly or leave things in the grey zone. While it is good and preferable for a person to accept that there is always place for middle ground situations in life, there are certain instances where things come only in black or white. If you do not want to give reason for unwanted behavior from your ex-wife, you have to also behave in a manner which does not leave room for interpretation.
Be reasonable, but practical
This is important in your dealings with your ex-wife. If the divorce was something that you’ve wanted, but not your wife, it is obvious that the level of detachment will differ. The same things apply to resentment or regret or any other emotion. However, you should not be permissive to the point where being understanding and being taken advantage of no longer is differentiated.
Assuming that the amount of over-exaggerated behavior from your wife does not stem from something you’ve done wrong by her, it is important for you to decide on a system to deal with her. Drastic measures are sometimes required, but they are generally not taken well by others and might not have the favourable outcome you are looking for.
Think of it this way: You don’t want to be uncivilized as to not maintain basic human interaction, especially if you share a child together, but that does not mean you want her feeling comfortable enough to impose on you whenever or wherever she likes. You should have a clear idea of what you want and can do in relation to her before anything else gets out of hand.
Look for the reason behind it all. Every scandal and every event has a reason behind it. Unless you are dealing with an emotionally unstable person, it is correct to assume that there must be something that is causing all this that you might fix. And while this might sound like having to interact with your previous spouse more than you would like to, it actually requires very little actual interaction as it requires thinking and being sincere.
Whether it’s money, the sentiment of feeling wronged or the need to blame someone else for being unhappy, in most cases men are not ignorant of the “whys” that stand behind all the fuss and drama. And choosing to ignore it or to consider themselves absolved of any guilt in it does not really solve the situation. Sometimes, calmly talking to each other and trying to solve the problems and to answer the questions that were left unanswered can bring a lot more benefits than one could believe. As long as the other person feels you are being sincere, it will be hard for them to continue on the same note as before.
There are many ways of dealing with the issues that a man has to face in relation with his previous spouse and what is most important is to remember that each person has its own peculiarities and grievances and they should be addressed for the good of all.
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/dealing-with-ex-wife-drama/
Are you wondering if it is OK to divorce your spouse?
Making the decision to divorce can be a complicated matter. Most divorces take place due to marital problems that have solutions but the parties to the marriage lack the skills to solve those problems. in other words, most divorce without a valid reason to divorce.
There are however marital problems that should send you running to a divorce lawyer's office and filing for a divorce. There are behaviors inside some marriages that no spouse should be expected to live with on a daily basis.
No one should take the decision to divorce lightly, but there are cases where divorce is the only solution. If you’ve found yourself in one of the situations coming to the decision to divorce might be easy.
Physical or Emotional Abuse
If your spouse hits you once it will happen again. You should not stay in a marriage beyond that first punch, slap or shove. DO NOT make excuses for someone who hits you, DO NOT take the blame for someone hitting you. Violence is a need to control and exert power over a spouse, it is not about loving a spouse.
Domestic abuse comes in different forms. Your spouse may physically abuse you or emotionally abuse you. Yelling, screaming, name-calling and put-downs are not acceptable forms of behavior, either. For your own safety and sanity and that of your children, you need to leave.
Infidelity
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Infidelity is much like domestic abuse; it is a behavior that will repeat itself.
A spouse will cheat for many reasons, what you; the victim of infidelity needs to understand is that there is never a good reason.
Yes, it is possible to restore trust in a marriage after a spouse has an affair. But, if your spouse is a serial cheater you need to examine why you are choosing to stay in a marriage with someone who has little or no respect for you and their marriage vows.
Economic Tensions
Have you heard the term, “financial infidelity?” If your spouse is spending money and putting an economic strain on the family they are committing financial infidelity. Your spouse may have a shopping or gambling addiction they are hiding from you. He/she may be running up credit card debt that you don’t know about.
The question for you is, do you allow someone else’s problem to bury you in debt or do you make no excuses? Being married to someone like this can mean years of recovery and they will usually repeat the behavior over and over again.
Drug or Alcohol Addiction
You can’t fix an addict. For some reason, though, those married to addicts stay in the marriage believing they can somehow bring about change in the addict's behavior. An addict changes when they make the choice to change. An addict does not change because they see their spouse or children suffer. They do not change until they hit rock bottom and only the addict knows what his/her rock bottom is.
If you are lucky the thought of losing his/her family will mean a positive change in the addict. If you aren’t lucky and choose to stay in the marriage you can bet the addict will take their family down with them.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/valid-reasons-for-getting-a-divorce-1102884
