I was 10 when my parents told me that they were getting a divorce. It’s not like it was a huge surprise or anything. The writing had been on the wall for a long time. But somehow it was still a huge shock to the system when they finally told me the news. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I felt guilty — like it was my fault that it had happened. I felt hurt, angry and betrayed. I felt very sad. I was confused. I had so many questions and things that were really worrying me but I couldn’t find the words I needed to talk to my parents about any of it.
I wanted to share with you some of the things I really wish I had been able to tell my parents at the time. I hope it helps you have a better understanding of what your kids might be going through and what they need to hear from you.
Tell me it’s not my fault.
The thing I remember the most about that time is thinking that it must be my fault. If I’d just tried a bit harder at school... if I’d fought less with my younger brother... if I hadn’t answered back so much... if I’d eaten my vegetables... gone to bed on time... the list went on. I came up with so many different and creative reasons that clearly proved it was my fault that my parents were splitting up. Your children need to know unequivocally that your separation is in no way their fault, and that in fact it has nothing to do with them. They need to hear that this is a decision that you have made because of how you feel about each other, not because they didn’t do their homework!
Tell me that you love me (and that you always will).
Mostly I just wanted my parents to tell me that they loved me very much and that this was something that would never change. Because I was so busy blaming myself for the whole thing, I felt like my parents probably didn’t even like me anymore, let alone love me. How could they when I had caused them to get a divorce! What I really needed to hear from both of my parents was that even though we wouldn’t be living in the same house anymore, they both still loved me and that this would never change. It’s so important for your kids to hear this often when going through a divorce or separation. Children often suffer from separation anxiety during this difficult transition and it’s really important that they have the security of knowing that you both love them unconditionally.
Don’t say bad things about my other parent — I’m half them, remember.
Think about the impact that bad mouthing your ex has on your children. Any criticism leveled at the other parent is also being leveled at your child. They are 50% you and 50% the other parent. Anything negative that you are saying about him or her, you are saying about your children too. Kids can identify characteristics and features in themselves from both parents — this is something they should still get to celebrate and feel good about. However badly the other parent may be behaving, keep the criticisms away from your children.
Also parental alienation can be very damaging to your children and lead to a number of psychological problems for them down the road. So think twice before throwing out a negative comment or withholding visitation. Any attempts to pit your child against the other parent can lead to serious negative effects in your children’s life.
Please don’t tell me how to feel.
We can’t help the way we feel and kids have a harder time than we do regulating their emotions. I remember withdrawing into my own world at the time of my parents’ divorce — somewhere far away from all the bad stuff that was going on. Other kids misbehave and act out in an attempt to get your attention. This bad behavior is a cry for help — they need you to support them through their grief. Lots of children feel a huge sense of loss when one parent moves out. You can’t take this pain away, but it is important to be empathetic to how they are feeling and try to help them process these emotions.
Don’t ask me to be your messenger or your spy.
No kid wants to come home to a barrage of questions about the time they spent with their other parent, or even worse, questions about the other parent’s new life. I remember cringing on the inside when this happened to me. I also remember feeling really guilty when I forgot to pass on an “important” message from my mum to my dad that ended up with them fighting about it next time. Don’t put your kids in this position. They are very busy thinking about their next football game or the homework they haven’t done for tomorrow. Let them spend their time daydreaming and dealing with the important business of growing up.
Find a way to parent together.
I don’t think the term “co-parenting” existed at the time of my parents’ divorce and if it did, my parents certainly didn’t know about it. Find a way to get along with your ex. This is often easier said than done. If it’s not possible to completely bury the hatchet, you need to find a way to be civil to the other parent and do the work you need to do to move past any unresolved negative feelings that you still have. Trust me — your kids will notice and they will thank you for it in the long run.
Most kids want to know that they can contact both parents anytime. When they are at one parent’s house, they want to know that they can call or text the other parent whenever they want. Some parents don’t encourage open access to the other parent because of the anger or hurt they are feeling. I remember what this felt like when I was a child and it wasn’t good!
Do your best to co-parent as a team. You need to put your feelings aside and move forwards. It’s not about you anymore — it’s about always doing what is in the best interests of your children.
What kids really need from you during and after your divorce or separation is your time, your attention, your compassion and your love. Help them to understand that it is you and the other parent who are splitting up with each other, and that neither of you are splitting up with your children.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/children-and-divorce-what-i-wished-my-divorcing-parents-had-known_b_9066182.html
Joe was at his wits end. Ever since his divorce he tried to do everything he could think of to get along with his ex, Maria. It seemed like no matter how hard he tried nothing worked.
While they would go through periods where things were fine, it usually didn’t last for long. Eventually Maria would unexpectedly explode over something trivial and a slew of angry email, texts and voicemails would ensue.
When this happened, Joe would usually drop what he was doing and immediately respond to Maria’s outburst. Most of the time Joe did his best to calm Maria down and work things out. If she sent him an accusatory email, he would reply with an equally long email explaining his perspective point by point. Every voicemail and text she left, he would return, resulting in numerous back and forth exchanges and heated debates.
Joe knew none of it was good for his 10-year-old son, Sammy. While he wasn’t willing to be Maria’s doormat, he desperately wanted to do right by his son.
What Joe didn’t get (and most parents don’t) is that he was giving Maria lots of incentive to stir the pot.
REMOVE THE PAYOFF
When dealing with a contentious ex it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the drama and miss what’s really driving the train. Let’s take another look at our buddy Joe. Every time he and Maria got into a spat, Joe unknowingly was giving Maria exactly what she wanted, his undivided attention. This dynamic is sometimes referred to as negative intimacy. In other words, since Maria no longer passionately loved Joe, she put her energy into passionately agitating Joe. For Maria, the conflict had become the primary outlet for keeping her connection to Joe alive.
Keep in mind that there can be lots of different payoffs for a conflictual ex. For some, it may be the need to feel in control or powerful. Others may try to offset feelings of helplessness while another may use the ongoing conflict to assert a false sense of superiority or importance.
Without a doubt, dealing with the unrelenting antics of a contentious ex can be exhausting. If you’re tired of feeling emotionally drained, frustrated and hopeless, here are a couple of tips for minimizing the BIG payoff and curbing divorce drama.
• Respond don’t react
Just because you share parenting responsibilities doesn’t mean you have to be at your ex’s beck and call 24/7. Aside from emergencies, very few situations require your immediate response. When a demanding email from your ex pops into your inbox, resist the impulse to rifle one back. Instead give yourself some time to consider what the issue is and if it truly requires a response. Remember you don’t need to swing at every pitch your ex tosses your way.
• Stay consistent
If your ex has a track record of playing nice one day and nasty the next, do your best to make your interactions consistent. Regardless of how your ex behaves establish healthy boundaries for day-to-day interactions.
• Be realistic
While it’s fine to hope that some day things will change, be realistic about your situation. Come to terms with the fact that you cannot change what your ex does, the choices they make or how they behave. Instead of turning yourself inside out, stay focused on what matters most — how you handle the conflict, the way you process the issues with your kids and limiting the energy that you give to divorce drama.
• It won’t get better overnight
When you repeatedly refuse to take the bait, expect your ex to up the ante. Do your best not to impulsively respond to situations that come up. Over time as you continue to hold your ground chances are your ex’s conflictual behavior will become less frequent and intense.
• Keep your eye on the prize.
Dealing with a contentious ex is without a doubt mentally and emotionally draining. Make sure you have other supports in your life to help you go the distance when your ex is being especially difficult. Often working with a good life coach or counselor can help your gain clarity and emotionally disconnect from the conflict.
Although you may not see the results of your efforts immediately, in the long run staying committed will pay big dividends for your kids.
Source: http://www.divorceandchildren.com/the-conflict-connection-figuring-out-what-makes-your-difficult-ex-tick/
During summer months, temperatures aren’t the only things rising. For separated and divorced parents anxiety levels can easily reach an all-time high, as summer rolls around and parenting roles get switched-up. Along with negotiating vacation schedules, figuring out who is going to pay for what and fitting in special activities, parents handling more of the day-to-day care of kids find themselves facing the prospect of being childless for an extended period of time.
While seasoned switch-up veterans may secretly be counting down the days to some much-coveted alone time, first timers or those with tenuous situations may feel an overwhelming sense of dread about summer role reversal.
Of course, parents aren’t the only ones fretting. Summer can also be hugely stressful for kids as they navigate between households. Even when circumstances are amiable and cooperative, just the change from school schedule to summer routine can set kids on edge.
Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, here are some tips for making the summer switch-up successful for everyone.
Use time to recharge
Unfortunately too many parents treat kid free time more like a dirty little secret than an opportunity to recharge. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and bypass the guilt. It’s actually okay to enjoy a break from being Mom or Dad 24/7. To avoid squandering your well-deserved break, plan ahead and consider how you can constructively use your children’s time away.
To get started take 10 minutes to jot down a list of things you’d normally consider self- indulgent. You can also include things you’ve wanted to get done but haven’t gotten around to yet.
Coming up short on ideas? Ask yourself.
- When the last time you saw a movie you wanted to see?
- What would it take to plan a weekend getaway with friends?
- Is there a hobby or new experience you’ve wanted to try?
- What’s something you did in the past or “pre-kids” that you might like to do again?
Instead of keeping quiet, feel free to share your summer plans with kids. Not only does it role model good self care but it also reinforces that you feel good about them spending time with the other parent. It also send a clear message that enjoying time apart is okay.
Help kids have a successful experience
Do your best to help build kid’s excitement about their summer getaway with the other parent. Spend time talking it up, making a summer calendar or maybe brainstorming ideas about ways to make it special.
Consider things like:
- Buying a disposable camera and a small photo album so your kids can make a memory book of their summer with the other parent.
- Encouraging children to journal or keep a diary about summer events and activities.
- Creating a summer collection box so kids can collect special trinkets or items to remind them of things they did (for example, a special shell from a trip at the beach or program from a summer concert they attended)
- Packing special items from your home that children can use and enjoy while at the other household. (P.S. If your child’s something special is something major, like a gaming system or a new puppy, be a considerate co-parent and talk to your ex first before packing it up.)
Be creative about staying connected
Kids love mail. Instead of relying exclusively on modern day technology (i.e. phone calls, text, Skype or emails) consider writing your children letters or sending small care packages. Not only is it a great way connect but also it offers a fantastic opportunity to get your kids writing. The other added plus… some very special memories for both of you.
Although you may miss your kids terribly, remember to be respectful of the other parent’s time and take a balanced approach when contacting kids over the summer. Since every situation is different, it’s best to gauge frequency and time of day on your children’s need and ages. Young children may need regular phone calls while a teen feels perfectly comfortable with texting. Whenever possible use good co-parenting etiquette and consult your ex to find out what will work best with their summer schedule.
If this is your first summer…
Keep your anxiety in check
Kids are extremely sensitive to parental stress so make sure your children’s QT with the other parent isn’t tainted with worry. No matter how sad or apprehensive you feel, remember, you are the parent. Do your best to responsibly manage your feelings and not leave children wondering if you’re going to be okay while they’re gone. If necessary, get support from trusted friend or family member to help you sort things out.
It’s perfectly okay to tell your children you love them and that you will miss them. However, don’t forget to reassure them that time with the other parent is important and that you want them to enjoy it.
Whether this is your first summer or your fifth, don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When time apart is constructive it can deepen everyone’s appreciation for the important people in their lives.
Have a fabulous summer
Source: http://www.divorceandchildren.com/the-summer-switch-up-managing-the-summer-when-your-kids-are-with-the-other-parent/
