The quick answer is that legally you can, of course, end a marriage when a spouse is mentally ill. But the real question is if you can give yourself permission ethically and morally to do so.
This question raises several issues. The most important one may be the definition of mental illness. It is very normal for divorce to elicit strong feelings, often negative ones—and for these feelings to change from sadness to anger, guilt, or shame. It is often typical for divorcing partners to label each other as “bi-polar” as they observe these mercurial feelings. And while rapidly shifting feelings may be one of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder, an accurate diagnosis includes several other important symptoms and can only be made by a mental health professional.
The same is true for the broad category of personality disorders—it is tempting to label a spouse as a “narcissist” if, as is typical during a divorce, they engage in self-centered thinking or behaving. Similarly with borderline personality disorder, characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, which is also common during the divorce process. But a true personality disorder involves an enduring pattern of behavior, not provoked by a traumatic event such as divorce. So be careful with mental illness labels and try to leave the diagnosis to the professionals.
But what about situations where there is a real diagnosis of mental illness, whether it be depression, psychoses, or even schizophrenia? These are usually very serious conditions, which greatly affect a person’s ability to function in a relationship or in their job. Living with such a spouse can be very difficult, demanding, and unsatisfying.
Seeking Treatment
One of the most important factors is the spouse’s commitment to start and follow through with appropriate treatment, which often involves medication. Sometimes patients resist this—particularly with bi-polar disorder. They may balk at medication, which moderates their “highs” (manic states which may be pleasurable) as well as the “lows” (depressive states). Without medication, the bi-polar condition will probably not improve and may get worse over time, and the same may be true for depression. Psychotropic drugs can greatly improve these conditions, and even very serious disorders such as schizophrenia may improve dramatically with appropriate medication (which can also have negative side effects such as weight gain).
Another promising treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy, where negative thinking is addressed and modified and can lead to significant positive behavioral changes. So, if your spouse is willing to help him or herself with appropriate treatment, they and your relationship may improve to the point that you want to stay in the marriage
.
Learning to Cope
Another option is to consider joint therapy, where both of you participate in learning about and how to handle issues that mental illness presents in the marriage and how to improve the relationship for both of you. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a nationwide group offering education and support for individuals and families dealing with mental illness, and can be a great benefit as well.
So, of course, the decision is yours whether or not to continue in a relationship with a partner who has mental illness. But I think if you are supportive of your partner as they seek treatment, and educate yourself about their prognosis, you will make a decision that you can accept without suffering needless guilt or personal recrimination.
Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/can-i-divorce-a-spouse-who-has-a-mental-illness
When you and your ex-spouse choose collaborative divorce, you make a commitment to keep matters out of court and focus on problem-solving in a confidential, private setting. Collaborative divorce is beneficial in that you and your ex-spouse have access to an entire team of experts, including mental health professionals to help you through the difficult and overwhelming experience of a divorce.
What happens then, if you and your ex-spouse do not agree to a collaborative divorce? Can you retain your own team of experts, specifically mental health professionals? And is it worthwhile?
1. Types of Mental Health Professionals: Before we dive into the benefits of enlisting the assistance of mental health professionals in divorce, let’s look at the types of mental health experts available to you in divorce. One mental health expert may be a therapist/counselor. A therapist/counselor can assist you in managing the stresses of divorce, including your expectations of the outcome. A therapist/counselor can also help you develop new relationship skills that are valuable both during and after divorce. If you have children with your ex-spouse, this is especially true because you must co-parent with each other after the divorce is final. Another mental health professional you may consider to enlist is a custody mediator who helps you and your ex-spouse determine a mutual agreement regarding custody and visitation. This is an ideal option if you and your ex-spouse are on good terms and you both believe a compromise is feasible. Another option is a parenting coordinator, who can assist you and your ex-spouse resolve smaller issues like holiday pickup arrangements and communication disputes. If you and your ex-spouse are in a litigious custody battle, talk to your attorney about hiring a custody evaluator. A custody evaluator makes an expert recommendation to the court regarding custody and a suitable parenting plan.
2. Benefits Of Hiring A Mental Health Professional In Divorce: What are the benefits in hiring a mental health professional in your divorce? William A. Eddy, president of the High Conflict Institute of San Diego says that having a mental health professional on board “can be helpful in calming emotions, clarifying expectations and helping discuss difficult issues.” However, he cautions individuals who hire a therapist/counselor during divorce because “while they can be helpful for support and making personal changes, they really need to be good at staying in the role of therapist and not becoming an advocate, especially if they get emotionally hooked into one person’s point of view and can reinforce the worst fears and anger.” Before deciding on a mental health professional, do your due diligence and conduct your own research before you entrust the personal details of your life to a professional.
3. When Should A Mental Health Professional Be Employed In Your Divorce? Deciding on whether to enlist the help of a mental health professional is a personal decision. Consider therapy if you believe it can offer support and assistance in your own personal growth during and after divorce. Consider therapy if you are struggling with mental illness, which may be triggered or exacerbated by the circumstances surrounding your divorce. Talk to your attorney to determine if a custody mediator or custody evaluator is needed to resolve disputed custody issues in your divorce. Your attorney may have insight as to whether these third party experts will be helpful to your case. If you believe your children need therapy because of the divorce, Mr. Eddy cautions parents and states that “many people put their children into counseling during a difficult divorce, when it’s really the parents who need the counseling.” Instead, Mr. Eddy proposes that wise parents “tell their child that they want him/her to see a therapist for 2-3 times, then it’s up to the child whether he or she wants to go back from time to time. That way the child doesn’t feel trapped in therapy.” If you put your child in therapy, remember to respect his or her privacy and do not question them about what was discussed in counseling.
The goal in enlisting mental health professionals in your divorce is to help you move forward. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help, especially if it will get you to a better place emotionally and spiritually.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-usin_b_6706706.html
