When my husband and I decided to separate recently, a world of single parenting came along with it. Sounds obvious, right? But I was so focused on the end of my marriage I hadn’t really stopped to consider the whole new world that awaited me.
It wasn’t entirely foreign. I was brought up by a single mum, and I was a single mum once before for a year or so, but that was only to one child. Now there are three.
I’m outnumbered.
It’s been tough on the younger children, as they adjust to having two homes and wonder in their four- and six-year-old minds why we don’t all live together any more. We have the same conversations over and over, and I patiently explain that we think this is the best way for us all to move forward and be happy.
But it’s been eight weeks or so, and we’re beginning to find our groove in our new version of normal. Things are calming down.
The first month was a steep learning curve though. There were good days and bad days, of course, and not just for the children. Even when you know separation is what you want, it doesn’t make it easy. But I learned from the wisdom of women who have walked this road before me, and not only have I survived, I’m pleased to report I have found a way to thrive and be truly happy.
So I thought I’d share a few things I learned in that first month, in the hope they might help you, if you’re going through the same thing.
- This is a time to focus on yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary. Yes, you need to help your kids find their way in this new world too, but you can’t do that if you’re crying all the time, or feeling overwhelmed. Do what you need to do to be okay. Whether that’s seeing a counsellor, going for a run, getting a massage, eating a dozen doughnuts, or whatever makes you feel good.
- Stop fighting with your ex. That bit is done. It doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. What matters now is keeping things calm and pleasant for the kids. Even if they’re still up for it, the best thing to do is smile and walk away to your peaceful home.
- Accept help. Let friends come over and help you move furniture. Let your parents slip you some extra cash to help tide you over until things settle down. Let your bestie have your kids for a sleepover so you can have a night on the couch. Say yes. People want to help, and you need it right now.
- Say yes to social invitations. You might not feel like going out, but your mates want to cheer you up and I promise you, it will do you the world of good. Just say yes, and then go. If you don’t feel like being there after half an hour, give yourself permission to go home. But don’t say no because you can’t imagine getting out of your sweats.
- Make a list of stuff you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the time. I’ve got one list for when I’m on my own and one list for when I’m with the kids. That way when I get up in the morning, I don’t get that indecision paralysis and end up sitting on the couch being glum or frittering the days away. We’re out doing cool stuff we want to do.
- Make your house your own. Redecorate. Buy new bed linen – and make it super girly or something that pleases you in a way you couldn’t have done when you were sharing that bed. Put pictures on the walls, and set aside that corner for your morning yoga sessions or whatever it is you’re into.
- Expect things to suck sometimes. There will be sadness. There will be feelings of loss and bewilderment. Even if you’re the one who wanted the separation. But it’s okay to experience those – be patient, ride the wave and wait for it to pass. Because it will.
- Try to avoid the obvious pitfalls of drowning your sorrows (a little bit is cool; a lot doesn’t help anyone), wallowing on the couch watching bad TV, and hiding away at home. And if you’re sharing custody of the kids, don’t leave all the housework for when they’re away. It’s good for kids to see (and help with) housework being done.
PHEW! Okay, that’s what I’ve learned so far. How do you think I’m doing? What else would you add?
Source: https://champagnecartel.com/survive-first-month-single-parent/
Any divorce is difficult, and something we all wish to be able to avoid but divorcing an addict bears even more hardships. Being married to one does as well. Addiction is one of the primary destroyers of relationship and families, as well as individual lives. This article will go over all the basics of divorcing an addict that you need to be aware of before, during, or after the divorce itself.
The facts about being in a relationship with an addict
Before we focus on divorce, let’s discuss how the relationships with addicts look like. Because there’s no divorce without a dysfunctional relationship.
But first of all, a few facts about the addicts. Although it is usually very hard for the non-addicted spouse to believe in that, the addiction and the binges are not about them. It is a very private relationship between the addict and the substance.In a similar way, deception is also not something to be taken personally. Addiction has a way of making the addict believe they cannot live without the substance, and they will do anything to obtain it, or to keep using it. Not that you should condone lies, but you just need to understand why it happens and not get distracted by being hurt by lies.
Addiction goes far beyond the substance
When married to an addict, and once the addiction is shouted out loud, what becomes the main issue in the family is – treatment. But, as is commonly known, there is no treatment without an honest decision to do so. And also, this decision is not enough. What is also not enough is a detox. Many people mistakenly believe that once the drugs are out of the system, the addict is basically healed.
This cannot be further from the truth. Addiction goes far beyond the substance (although the substance isn’t a piece of cake either). It is a combination of different psychological mechanisms that made the person vulnerable, kept them addicted, and keep them from healing. This is why living with an addict often turns into an endless game of getting in and out of treatments.
Is divorce inevitable when married to an addict?
Addiction is, without a doubt, one of the greatest challenges for a marriage. The non-addicted spouse is affected by the addiction directly and indirectly. They have to watch someone they love going through a disastrous downward spiral. Often, they also have to look at how this affects their children.
On top of that, they will get lied to, possibly cheated on, shouted at, possibly physically hurt, and be treated with far less respect than they deserve to be treated with. Addiction will gradually eat away the trust and the closeness. and by being legally bound to the addict, the non-addicted spouse will also be legally bound to share the damage that the addict might cause.
All this has the power to strain the marriage and drain the non-addicted spouse’s energy and tolerance. And it may be the cause of a divorce. Not necessarily, though, as to whether the divorce will happen depends on a number of reasons, such as whether the addict is getting a treatment and how successfully, the quality and strength of the relationship prior to the addiction, etc.
Legal aspects of divorcing an addict
However, if you are contemplating on divorcing an addict, there a few specific additional tactics to use, apart from the general aspects of a divorce process that everyone goes through. First of all, addiction is usually considered grounds for a fault divorce. In cases when you feel that you should file for a fault divorce, you will need proof of habitual and long-term intoxication of your soon-to-be-ex.
If during the divorce proceedings where there are children involved in the custody battle addiction is reported, the judge will order an investigation of this complaint. If there is proof of such allegations, the custody of children will be given to the non-addicted parent. In cases when the addicted parent still visits children under the influence of the substance, a rehabilitation may be ordered by the court.
Things to consider before the divorce
All this may be traumatic for both partners and the children. Which is why there are a few things you should carefully consider before you do decide to file for the divorce. First of all, is your spouse beyond help? Did they try and fail rehabilitation? Are they endangering you or your children? Is your marriage broken beyond repair?
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/divorcing-an-addict/
The thought of an impending marital split got you down? It doesn’t have to be so depressing. Book a room at a divorce hotel and get an all-in-one luxury vacation and finalized separation.
What isn’t included in a vacation package these days? Last year, a Dutch company, aptly named Divorce Hotel, announced plans to spread their message of luxury marital splits to America—and now other companies are following suit. The Dutch business offers a low-rate, all-in-one weekend escape for estranged spouses to settle their differences once and for all. Through partnerships with a variety of hotels in the Netherlands, they bring couples to a high-end retreat for a three-day, paperwork-filled getaway. “We offer you an affordable 5 star divorce made-to-measure,” the website boasts.
While the cost of divorce in the Netherlands usually runs between $5,000 and $10,000, with rates in the U.S. often soaring much higher, Divorce Hotel only charges around $3,000 per couple for the weekend (though more complex cases, like contentious child custody issues or divvying up business assets, can reach higher sums). Here’s how it works: The couple checks into one of the partner boutique hotels and then spends the weekend with lawyers, mediators, and company staff who ensure all the paperwork is completed, assets are divided properly, and guests are emotionally stable. Hotel employees are alerted to the guests’ special status and instructed to be appropriately mannered. All discussions are done in private suites—no public yelling matches in the lobby—so things can be sorted out efficiently and amicably.
Participants are carefully selected through an application process to ensure their split isn’t too vicious or complex for a weekend, founder Jim Halfens told the New York Times. In fact, according to Halfens, many couples enjoy their divorcing vacation—going to the beach, dining together, and even spending a night in the honeymoon suite. Yet, so far, all but one couple have successfully completed the divorce proceedings.
Not long after the Dutch nuptial-nullifying company started gaining publicity, a pilot for a reality show called—what else?—Divorce Hotel was given the green light by Fox. “Are you ready to end the fighting, financial stress, and the painful, drawn out divorce process and start a new chapter in your life?” a casting call on the company’s website asks.
“We’ll show [our process] in an emotional TV show with wonderful moments—something you would never expect in a program about divorce. I want to show that what happens in our hotel is very special,” Halfens told the Huffington Post. “I don’t want to [show] creepy, ‘Jerry Springer,’ horrible shit.”
With its Dutch success, the company now is hoping to spread to America, where the divorce rate has dropped since that ubiquitous "50 percent of all marriages end in divorce" message to around 40 percent. But there may be competition in the market for retreat divorces. A company in Indiana seems to have taken a cue from the concept, and created a program of Destination Divorces for on-the-fritz couples, offering a three-day vacation paired with a divorce, and settled for a flat-fee. A message on their website against a photo of beautiful vistas says, "whether you and your spouse prefer the beach, the mountains, the sun, or the slopes, the destination for your divorce is limited only by your imagination." As long as you don't mind forgoing some of your pool time for a meeting with the lawyers, it all sounds pretty painless.
Source: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/07/18/book-a-vacation-at-a-divorce-hotel-and-end-your-marriage-in-luxury.html
