Social Media Linked to Infidelity, Divorce

While Facebook apparently experiments with our emotions from time to time, most of the psychological damage we incur by using social media is probably self-inflicted. As evidence for this claim, I would draw your attention to new research that shows Facebook use is correlated with a number of “bad outcomes” for married couples, including a greater likelihood of infidelity and divorce.

The study, titled “Social network sites, marriage well-being, and divorce: Survey and state-level evidence from the United States” and published in Computers in Human Behavior, found that Facebook use is a “positive, significant predictor of divorce rate and spousal troubles,” according to researchers at Boston University and the Pontifical Catholic University of Chile’s School of Communications. Specifically, “Results show that using SNS is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness, and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and thinking about divorce.”

In the first part of the study, the authors analyzed marriage and divorce data from 43 U.S. states from 2008-2010, then compared divorce rates with Facebook penetration over that period. Controlling for a range of economic, demographic, and psychological factors including employment status, age, and race, they found that every 20% increase in the number of Facebook users in a state was correlated to a 2.18% increase in the divorce rate for that state.

For the second part, the authors looked at data from a previous survey of 1,160 married individuals, ages 18-39 and including social media users and non-users, conducted by researchers at the University of Texas at Austin in 2011. Among other things the survey asked respondents whether they are happy in their relationship, if they had engaged in extramarital sex, and if they ever thought about getting divorced.

Overall respondents who didn’t use online social networks at all were 11.4% more likely to report being happy in their marriages than heavy users of social networks. Meanwhile heavy users were twice as likely to think about getting a divorce or leaving their spouse than non-users (32% versus 16%).

Boston University professor James E. Katz, who led the study, stated: “The apparent association between the use of Facebook and other social networking sites and divorce and marital unhappiness in the United States raises troubling questions not only about how we use these tools, but how their use affects marriage. The institution of marriage, already under siege in many quarters, seems to be facing yet further assault from people’s growing enthrallment with social media.”

Source: https://www.mediapost.com/publications/article/229441/social-media-linked-to-infidelity-divorce.html

A Friend in Need is a Friend in Deed - What Role Do Your Friends Play in Your Divorce?

We all need our friends, especially in times of crisis. Divorce and separation is one of those life crises where you might feel that you need all the friends you can get, or do you? It is interesting to think about what place friends occupy in the new and choppy waters of a painful separation.

Having run many divorce support groups and divorce workshops, I begin to wonder whether friends are always the helping hand and the shoulder to cry on that is needed. If they are, what is the price that is paid for that? It would seem that friends can be the opposite of what is expected simply adding to the feelings of disappointment. It is natural to think that those you thought were closest to you would jump to the occasion and provide all the comfort and security without being asked.

However, friends who you might have been on numerous holidays with as families or as a couple, or friends that you spent nights in the pub with, or Saturday nights having dinner with downing a bottle of wine and having a laugh sometimes seem to disappear. That feeling of taking for granted some very basic elements of security get whipped away at the same time as your relationship. It is incredibly painful to know that your friends are now inviting your ex and not you, and have perhaps ‘coupled up’ with your ex and his or her new partner instead of staying loyal to you. There are also friends for whom you are suddenly not the draw that you were before. I hear you say, that you are not invited anymore for dinner because you are not part of a couple and don’t fit, that somehow if you are female that you are a ‘threat’ to married men.

Then there are the friends who are real friends, but who you feel you are burdening with the looped tape of your divorce. You, of course, need to talk endlessly about your feelings and what your ex has done and continues to do, but your fear is that the friendship can’t sustain it. That’s when you need a local group or workshop or some individual sessions to support you so that you can be free to feel less burdensome of those around you that you love.

There are also friends who are full of wise advice. Is it wise though, or is it a reflection of their own agendas? It is impossible to hear someone close to you saying, ‘it’s time to move on, you should be over it by now, nobody liked him/her anyway. None of those things, although meant well are at all helpful. In fact, they are quite shocking. Those words put a distance between you and your friend who is not as understanding as you thought they were.

With separation come all sorts of changes and losses. Friendships are one of those. Lifestyle changes with divorce and so do friends. Don’t be surprised, be ready and think of it as a way of meeting new people more in keeping with your new life who will grow with you through it. They will be more relevant and fit better.

There is a loss inevitably, but there is also a gain.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/charlotte-friedman/a-friend-in-need-is-a-fri_b_2036772.html

6 Tips for Staying Healthy During a Divorce

Divorce. It’s a word right up there with death and taxes when it comes to conjuring up feelings up misery, pain, heartache, and stress. While more than 90% of Americans will marry by the age of fifty, according to the American Psychological Association, at least 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. As one of those statistics, I can confirm the experience of those who have gone through it — divorce sucks.

But divorce need not be viewed solely as an ending, but also as the start of a new beginning. After all, change is synonymous with opportunity. Still, divorce is one of the most challenging things you may be faced with in life. Make no mistake, divorce is a trauma, and the body and mind will need time and attention to heal. With that in mind, here are six tips for making the best of it in terms of staying healthy during and after a divorce.

1. Stay Sharp and Lean into the Pain

The one piece of advice I received more than anything in the months following my divorce was to “go have fun.” To me that sounded like I should party a lot and play the field. But I also received another piece of advice from someone who helped me through my divorce, which countered the “have fun” mantra. “You must lean into the pain,” she said. It sounded like something my boxing coach would say, so I took her up on it.


Not to toot my own horn, but I didn’t heed the “have fun” advice from my friends. Instead, I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol for a year following my divorce. Thankfully, alcohol wasn’t a factor in my failed marriage, but still I recognized that alcohol is a depressant, a dulling agent, and an escape, so I chose to abstain. What divorcees need more than anything is to face trauma, not avoid it. It’s tempting to dull and mask pain. But as bad as pain is in any manifestation (physical, mental, or emotional), there is only one way through it — meeting it head on.

2. Remember to Eat, and Eat Well

In stressful scenarios, people tend to do one of two things — they gain weight or they lose weight. You might think losing weight sounds good, but neither of these scenarios is good for you. Stress manifested in the body is a bad thing. Stress causes sickness and wreaks havoc on our lives.

Food, like exercise, is one of the critical nourishing agents in the body. But eating during a really stressful time is easier said than done. When your heart is broken sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is eating. Smoothies and juicing are great way to get your body lots of micronutrients and nourishment without the chore of having to muscle down food when you aren’t hungry. Try a blend of unsweetened nut milk, spinach, avocado, natural protein powder, and a cup of fruit.

3. Find a Mind-Body Practice That Works for You

I worked extensively with a counselor, or “spiritual advisor,” following my divorce. Part of that process was exploring different chakras and energy systems in the body, and delving into the connection between emotional and physical pain.

Another part of my mind-body practice during my divorce was training in the martial arts.One rainy Saturday shortly after my divorce, I went through a muay Thai testing and literally got the crap beat out of me. It was both grueling and cathartic. In a metaphorical way, it was comforting to know I could take the hits, get knocked down, and get back up.
Understandably, getting hit or rolling around on mats might not be your thing, so the martial arts are certainly not for everyone. Other great options for mind-body connectedness are yoga, tai chi, meditation, prayer, and even simply deep abdominal breathing.

4. Find a Release for Your Rage

Suppressed rage has been linked to everything from lower back pain to mass shootings. But in our politically correct culture, hitting things is not okay. Yet, we as humans are hard wired to be aggressive beings. Regardless of your opinion on whether humans should ever hit anything or anyone, one thing is for certain — rage needs a release. I know I’m not alone in this thought based on a recent news story I saw on the popularity of “rage rooms” where people pay to go in to padded rooms armed with baseball bats and destroy old computers, etc.

Again, activities like martial arts and boxing enable you to let out some aggressive anger while connecting to the internal art of finding breath and awareness. Even if it’s just putting boxing gloves on to hit a heavy bag or locking yourself in a room and screaming for a few minutes, you must find a way to release your rage — or it will come back to bite you and will inhibit your healing process.

5. Recover and Rest Well

I am a member at a sports recovery lounge where I sit in hot tubs, compression boots, and the sauna next to the likes of professional and competitive athletes. Those athletes continuously suffer physical traumas of every sort from micro muscle tears to significant physical injury. The thing about physical injury is that it has mental ramifications and vice versa. So during a time of emotional trauma, it’s important to help your body recover, as well.

In addition to the treatments you might find at a recovery lounge, other effective modalities include massage, acupuncture, and reiki. Of course, another element to recovering well is literally resting. Without question, sleep is essential for both physical and emotional recovery.

A word of caution: Be aware if you’re sleeping too much. While lack of sleep is linked to sickness and depression, so is too much sleep.

6. Exercise Frequently, But with Balance

Exercise is always listed near or at the top of the list when it comes to stress relief. But there can be too much of a good thing. Over exercising can become a literal manifestation of “running away” from your trauma. Nonetheless, exercising regularly post-divorce is critical. 

Again, think of your body symbolically. That is, when you are brokenhearted and physically stressed, what your body most needs is nourishment and to get strong again.

Think about hiring a trainer to push you to get stronger both literally and figuratively. Flexibility is also a must, so consider options like yoga and Pilates. Ultimately, exercise will help you to manage stress, sleep better, feel better, and even look better.

Your Healing Is a Balance and a Process

In the end, managing your way through a divorce is a balancing act. The blend and balance of healing your body, mind, and heart is part of the journey. Exercising is good, but watch for too much. Eating right is important, so make sure you get enough but not too much. 

Community and social support is vital, but so is your mindfulness and alone time.


A divorce is hard, but it, like any other trauma, can make you stronger and more resilient if you have the right game plan and the willingness to face it head on.

Source: https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/

Positive Outcomes of Divorce

Imagine that you’re preparing your husband’s favorite meal. He walks through the door at dinnertime and you greet him. Suddenly, and without any provocation at all, his mood changes. It’s as if a dark cloud has come over the room. Your mind starts racing back, you wonder what did you say, what did you do? This scenario plays out over and over again in some marriages and can diminish self-esteem, wear down emotional resource, and kill your soul.

Or maybe you’ve hit a wall in your marriage. You’ve been here several times before with your spouse, and you both feel at wits’ end. When marriages are untenable and there is nowhere else to go, in order to save your emotional and sometimes physical life, as well as secure the mental health and wellbeing of your children, sometimes the only place to go is “out.”

It is at this moment, when you decide to change your life, to advocate yourself and your children, that a visit to a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist is warranted.

Positive Outcome of Divorce #1: Self-Reflection and Self-Healing

With professional guidance you can discover what affected your choice of a mate and assure yourself that you will never make that mistake again. This self-reflection and self-healing is one of the most positive outcomes of divorce. By doing inner work, you can recognize and acknowledge your own patterns that led you to a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Then, if you can integrate back into your psyche those early patterns from your family of origin, you can redeem them and never have to repeat them again.

At this time of greatest trauma, your defenses are cracked open, and for the first time in a long time you are your natural self. This is the undefended healthy core of your existence, and it is from this place of your natural resource that you can heal, renew and experience rebirth. By experiencing your authentic self, you will automatically build your self-esteem, depression will lift, and you are able to move into a happier and healthier lifestyle.

When you first fall in love, you may project onto the beloved your ideal: the best of who you are, those rose-colored glasses of your imagination. This is what we call a projection. However, by suppressing who you really are — by going along to get along — you are using up vital energy just to hold down your feelings.

You will still be compelled to move towards those old patterns that worked for you within your original family. However, because you are now conscious and aware, you will see red flags everywhere, and you have the opportunity, therefore, to override those impulses that compel you to move towards the wrong relationship and as a result make room for the right one. In essence, you’re changing a habit, and as you grow and break your old habits, you allow yourself the opportunity to experience a different relationship with a new spouse. It’s important to remember that we are different with different people.

This is restoration, how you bring yourself back to your full potential — the you that you were meant to be. A healthy partner is the one who carries the positive characteristics of our opposite sex parent, and that’s when second marriages can become fulfilling and mutual. Even your physical health can be restored.

Positive Outcome #2: Better Health

Now we know that telomeres, the little rings around your chromosomes that fall off as you age, also fall off when you are stressed. Miraculously, they can be restored through healthy lifestyle changes. Therefore, by releasing yourself from an unhealthy partnership, you not only can become healthier mentally and physically, but also add years to your life through happiness.

Positive Outcome #3: Self-Confidence and Empowerment

The first feeling you experience at the onset of divorce can be fear of the unknown. However, by moving into your fullest capacity, the real you, as I describe above, this will automatically rebuild your self-esteem, your sense of self, your capacity for intimacy, your creative energy and allow you to take back the power you surrendered in a poor relationship. In my work as a researcher, educator and human behavior expert, I’ve witnessed that poor marriages are often based on possessiveness, lack of intimacy, need for space and distance and need for control.

Positive Outcome #4: Giving Your Children the Gift of Modeling Healthy Relationships

Finally, as difficult as the process of divorce can be on your children, it also allows them to watch you make human mistakes — and then grow from them. As you do your inner work and regain your true self, your children are watching, and they can learn the importance of valuing yourself. They also have the opportunity to learn how to properly behave and react should they find themselves in a similar situation down the road. And finally in the future, you can model, for your children, a true and healthy marriage.

The best relationships come out of strength, not weakness. When you are whole and know yourself, you will meet someone with whom you can be mutual. This is a marriage born of strength, not of lack. Once the negative and critical patterns of poor partnerships are released, you can expand into the undefended you. By rediscovering yourself, that inner you that you were before marriage, following your own rhythm of sleeping, being, staying home and going out, you act on your own behalf and by so doing find your own authority is empowered. This returns a sense of control, allowing you to grieve the past and embrace the future.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/positive-outcomes-of-divo_b_4768426.html

What Smart Women Do After Divorce

“Why do some women do well after divorce, while others get stuck?” a divorcing client asked me, confronting her worries head on. “I want to be happy again. I want to rely on myself and not be afraid of the future. I can’t make it without his support, but it’s tough being tied together for so many years through the kids and the money.”

Indeed, financial entanglement is a double-edged sword. Moving on is much harder for women (and men) who remain connected via a custody share, child support or alimony. How do you get closure when the contact and financial dependency continue? What’s the key to regaining your independence and confidence?

My answer is something most people already know, but nonetheless is the greatest challenge of divorce: You commit to being happy or commit to being right. The smartest women I know choose happiness, and this has been the key to rebuilding their life. I’ve observed five actions and attitudes these women adopted that made the difference in their recovery process. It’s never too late to start.

#1: No More “Woe Is Me” (ideally after the first year) 

Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully.

By far the most important (and most difficult) step is to impose a statute of limitations on feeling sorry for yourself, even if the conflict is ongoing. The first year, it’s normal to dwell on the loss, to cry, grieve, vent to your family and friends about every last detail. But after that, even though you’re still raw, it’s important you make a deliberate mind shift from seeing yourself as a victim. Regardless of what your husband did or is still doing, you don’t want to make the pain of your divorce your identity and your calling card.

Your negative feelings won’t disappear miraculously, and of course this isn’t a one-time mind shift. Sadness and despair roll in when you least expect it. You’re not unusual (nor should you be embarrassed) if you need antidepressants for some period of time to get unstuck. Many women also find it beneficial to examine their feelings in a therapeutic setting, such as private therapy, a divorce support group, or counseling services from their church/synagogue. 

Friends can be a great resource, but don’t use them only as a sounding board for self-pity. If you’re hanging around a friend — divorced or otherwise — who spends her time man-bashing and telling you how you’ve been screwed, that friendship is keeping you stuck. Spend time (and connect online) with women who are upbeat and can be role models for moving forward with strength and optimism. Two blogs I like, created by women who did something constructive to deal with their divorce, are Chick Chain Walking Club and One Mom’s Battle. 

One client summed up her recovery process: “I developed the strength and discipline to give my victim feelings a shelf life ... I’d say to myself, ‘I get tonight to feel sad and then tomorrow it’s back to business.’” 

An added benefit of taking this step is you’ll be a role model for your children, especially a daughter, about how to recover from a life crisis.

#2: Accept the Economic Reality of Divorce

The smartest women come to terms with the reduced lifestyle they have after divorce. They reaffirm their priorities or commit to changing their lifestyle. They do not rely on their ex-husband as their long-term financial solution, nor do they see “finding another man” as the solution.

Unless you’re wealthy or a movie star, your economic level will decrease as a result of divorce. The same income that used to run one household is now running two. Women often don’t get paid the same as men for comparable work, and women’s careers are impacted by choosing to raise children — but these are facts, but not obstacles to happiness. Smart women deal with these realities in one of two ways: 

• They accept this reduction in lifestyle. Their joy comes from other things, like their children and the opportunity to be an involved parent or appreciation of their job and the flexibility it affords them even if it doesn’t pay as well as a high-paying career.

• If/when the timing is right, they make the decision to increase their earnings through their own means, such as a better job, increased hours, or additional education and training.

Either of these choices leads to greater peace and self-confidence.

#3: Develop a 10-Year Financial Plan 

Smart women take charge of their finances during and after divorce. They hire a financial planner or an accountant to review and organize their finances and map out spending and goals for the next decade. Although daunting at first, this step is immensely empowering.

Divorce may be the first time you’ve managed the family finances and planned for the future. Although it feels overwhelming, don’t stick your head in the sand with the naive hope that you’ll be able to make it forever on what you’re getting in support and assets (or that you’ll meet someone who will take care of you). 

First, educate yourself about financial planning through a book, seminar, or online resource. Second, find an expert (an accountant or financial planner) with whom you can review your finances and spending. (I strongly suggest you choose an expert who charges by the hour instead of on a commission basis.)

Looking at the economic reality is a wake-up call for most women. One client said after her meeting, “I quickly saw that I need to be much more thoughtful about how I use my assets and how I spend what I am getting in support. I’m now focused on my short-term goals — reducing my spending and finding ways to supplement my income — and my long-term goals of getting the kids through college and saving enough to have a dignified life in later years. I feel more in charge of my future and less anxious as a result.”

# 4: Repeat After Me: “I Cannot Change My Ex”

Smart women recognize they can’t change their ex-husband. They pick their battles, they let go of issues that don’t really matter or can’t be changed, and they accept with grace and maturity the general unpleasantness of an ongoing custody share — knowing this is just the reality of divorce.

It’s normal to want to have a say in how your ex behaves — particularly related to the kids. But save yourself the struggle. In a strange way, this step is about taking control of your inner life by letting go of outside control.

Sharing custody involves a lot of frustrations. The most common ones I hear from women are: he cancels or is late; he feeds the kids junk food; there are no limits at his house on TV, video games or computer; he buys them toys/electronics you said no to, instead of buying the shoes and school clothes they need; he gripes about expenditures for the kids’ extracurricular; he lets them stay up past their bedtime; he doesn’t return their clothing or returns everything dirty; he doesn’t make the kids do chores, so they complain when you enforce this rule at your house; he has joint custody but you still have to take the lead on doctor and dentist appointments, school, homework, extracurricular activities and sports.

Is this behavior fair or considerate? No. Is it worth getting upset over? No. Unless he is abusing the kids or repeatedly not showing up, you can’t generally control these kinds of actions. It’s a costly endeavor to try.

I’m not saying smart women allow themselves to be doormats — they definitely don’t. Sometimes you have to put on the business hat and confront an issue with your ex. Sometimes legal action is required. Be sure the issue warrants it and has a good probability of resulting in change. And work to let go of the rest. 

#5: Focus on the Future, Commit to Growth and Introspection, And
Build a Relationship with Yourself

Smart women channel their energies post-divorce into examining their life, their goals, their mistakes and how they can learn from the past. Instead of jumping into another serious relationship (or spending their time complaining about their ex), they focus on their own life issues. They redefine their priorities and discover what’s meaningful to them. They mature fully into themselves as women whose identity is not tied to the role of mother or wife.

We’ve seen this or been there ourselves — how men and women “lose themselves” in marriage. For many women, their identity becomes tied to their husband or children early on, and so when the marriage ends and these roles are lost or diminished, the woman feels unsure of who she is. This is one reason divorce can be a real moment of crisis.

The smartest women I’ve observed use their divorce as an opportunity for growth and maturity. They take inventory of their life, mistakes and all, and devote time and energy to discovering who they are and what they want for their future. This process takes time, patience and dedication, but in the end, these women are able to put their divorce behind them. They go on to be centered, stable, self-assured, capable women who find the happiness they felt they had lost. In fact, when I asked these women if they could turn back the clock and stay married, the answer was overwhelmingly a heartfelt “no” — they would never go back, even with all of the known challenges. 

What would be on your list for recovery?

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/what-smart-women-do-after_b_1307356.html

7 Things You Need to Know to Deal With Major Life Changes

In a split second, in a freak accident, I lost much of my sight. The reaction and adaptation to the trauma and my new disability taught me some key lessons about going through a major life change. A set of life lessons that helped me to survive and thrive. And since most of us go through changes in our lives, some drastic, some minor, these lessons are applicable to you. 

1. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s natural to have feelings of sadness, to grieve over the loss of something, to feel angry about your situation, or to place blame. You have permission to feel that way, but only for moments. You can have your pity party, but only for a day or two, and then you have to move on. If you spend too much time in that place of anger or pity or blame, you end up not being able to adapt to your change. It keeps you in a place of helplessness. And what you need to be is in a place of hope and of growth. 

2. You can give yourself permission to be vulnerable: Some of us like to project an image of being strong and fearless, but sometimes it’s not the truth. The truth is that we’re scared, vulnerable, weak and in need of help. We need to allow ourselves to rely on others. And showing that vulnerability is OK. It may feel like you are exposed, but being completely exposed is not always a bad thing. There is always learning and growth that can come from it. You allow people to really see you and when they can see you, can know your stress or pain, they can help. Vulnerability is just part of who we are as people. 

3. You are never alone: Sometimes when we go through major changes we think we are dealing with something no one else can understand or no one else is going through. But there are others that can empathize with you. You’re not alone. Even if you don’t ask people to be around you, family and close friends will come to your side. You’re also never alone because you always have yourself to rely on. And ultimately none of us are separate from the Creator or separate from the universe. So the idea of being alone is a false one. 

4. You have to ask for help: Often people don’t know what to say or what to do. After I had my accident, there were people that didn’t call me for several months, and these were people close to me. Some people get stuck because they don’t know what to say or what to do. Sometimes people are natural caregivers. They jump right in to help. But these are the minority. So it is your job to tell people what to say and what to do that will be helpful. What I’ve learned is that I’ve had to ask very specifically for what I need and for even, sometimes, what I need to hear. Being able to clearly articulate what you need gives people a sense of relief. In the end, people really like to be told how they can help you in very specific terms. They need it defined for them so they can feel like they are helping and supporting you. Left on their own to guess this information, they feel helpless. And when they feel helpless they do not act. So empower them and empower yourself by letting them know specifically how they can help.

5. You can adapt to anything. Our ability to adapt is amazing. As I began to adapt to being a person with limited sight, I was continually amazed at how quickly I could figure out how to get around problems and obstacles. Necessity is the mother of invention and you will naturally find ways to solve your problems and do things in new and different ways when you’re presented with challenges. The adaptability and flexibility of our spirits and of our beings is a given. Those who cannot change and adapt have convinced themselves it is not possible. If you trust that you can adapt, then you will. And if you believe that you can change, then you will, no matter what the challenge.

6. You have to have hope for the future: I’ve been given news that there is no hope for a change in my sight and have been through two surgeries that did not improve it. Despite these setbacks, I have to believe that there is hope in the future. A belief I will get my sight back. Having that hope and having the positive perspective is what keeps me moving forward every day. If I gave up that belief it would be like letting go of a rope that pulls me forward. Believing that things can and will be different, and that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see like me, is the most important thing in getting through a change process. Knowing that there is an end in sight, knowing there are possibilities, and having hope that things are going to be better. And, ultimately, things are going to work out.

7. You will grow as a person, but you are still the same: Going through a change, especially one that is traumatic, changes you forever. It changes how you see life and deal with things. You’re never going to be the same again and that’s a good thing. Because in the midst of change is a great deal of learning, if you are willing to have vision and perspective. And if you are willing to continually ask yourself the question, “What am I supposed to be learning from this?” “How am I supposed to grow?” “How will I become a better person because of this?” In any change process, you can become stronger, and a better version of you. Just because something changes about you, even something radical, doesn’t change the core of who you are as a person. I, as now a visually impaired person, have my same mission, my same purpose, and my same values. So having something different about you doesn’t make you a different human being. If you are strong and centered and grounded, that is still who you are. Sometimes you have to remind yourself of that.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisabeth-saunders-medlock-phd/seven-things-you-need-to-_b_4129918.html

5 Ways to Seize the Moment and Live Without Regrets

“Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown

Samara is my colleague at work. She is one of the most pleasant ladies I know. She always has a smile and an encouraging word to give.

She really is the kind of woman you want to speak to on the days you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand, because she always has something comforting to say. As we got closer, I confided more and more in her about the challenges I was going through in my life.

I envisioned that her life must be perfect since she has such inner strength.

But I was wrong.

One day I noticed she had a sad countenance. That was strange because Samara was like sunshine itself. However, her sad countenance did not last, and before long she had her signature smile back on.

But I was not deceived. I knew that deep inside her, she was experiencing some pain, so I asked her what was wrong.

At first, she smiled and said that all was well. But I insisted that she confide in me. She looked me in the eyes, thanked me for caring, and then dropped the bombshell.

“My six-year-old daughter has been in a critical condition for the past six months because of my carelessness. I saw her yesterday and her situation seems to have worsened. I think she is going to die.”

For a second, I could not speak. I was in shock.

“I am so sorry,” I managed to stammer, trying not to let her see how shaken I was by the shocking statement I had just heard.

She explained to me that six months ago, she had stopped at a supermarket to get a few things. And because she was in a hurry, she had left her daughter in the car with the engine running. Her daughter had managed to engage the gear and the car had sped into the road, right into an oncoming trailer, and she had been seriously injured.

The tears rolled down my face as she narrated this horrific story to me.

She assured me that she had managed to forgive herself and had replaced regrets with gratitude for the six years she spent with her daughter.

I recalled with a sense of embarrassment all the fuss I sometimes make over little things that, in light of what I’d just heard from Samara, now seem really insignificant.

My marriage was not working out the way I wanted it to and everyday I lived with regret that I married my husband. I made a career change, which has turned out to be a very poor decision, and I have not been able to forgive myself.

I realized that I spend too much of my time dwelling on all the mistakes I have made in the past. I spend too much time regretting things that I have no power to change. I spend too much time wishing things were different. I spend too much time beating myself up over what I’ve done.

Over the years after that encounter, I determined to live a more positive life, free of regrets. Here are five ways I’ve learned to do that:

1. Live your life with purpose.

I realized that my career was doing badly because I did not have a career plan. I just drifted through my days without something to look forward to, so my life lacked momentum.

Determine to live a life of focus. Today, take a stand on one thing you want to achieve in your life and draw up a plan to accomplish it.

2. Stop making excuses.

I blamed everybody else for the way my life turned out. I blamed my husband for the failure of my marriage and I blamed my boss for not promoting me.

I am responsible for my life and not anybody else. Instead of making excuses, I need to take responsibility.

It doesn’t matter what the obstacles in your life are. You can achieve almost anything if you put your mind to it. Helen Keller and Jon Morrow are examples of people who achieved excellence despite physical disabilities.

Look within yourself. There is something waiting to be birthed. Find what that something is and do it, without excuses.

3. Choose not to be a victim.

At a point, I thought I had made such a mess of my life that there was no point trying to put things right. So I gave up trying. I mulled over my mistakes every day and went deeper into regrets.

None of this helped me. I only started making progress when I embraced my mistakes, determined not to make them again, and resumed chasing my dreams.

Life is not fair for any one of us. There will be storms and you will make mistakes. But be determined to get up as many times as life pushes you down. Forgive yourself, learn the lessons, and go on working toward your goals.

The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself, the less time you have to pursue the life of your dreams.

4. Stop comparing yourself to others.

I could not stop comparing myself to others. Everybody seemed to be happier than me, their marriages seemed to be faring better, and I seemed to be the only person with a less than fulfilling career.

This made me feel even worse. I wondered what others were doing that I was not. Their progress in life seemed to dampen my spirit.

Over time, I realized that comparing yourself with others is one of the greatest mistakes anybody can make. No matter who you are or where you find yourself in life, always remember that you have your own unique path to walk.

Never compare yourself, your struggles, and your journey to anyone else, for that would only distract you from your own.

We are all different. Forget about others and focus on fulfilling your own life dreams. 

5. Take action now.

After I drew up a career plan for myself, I still lacked the courage to follow my plan. I wasted a lot of time because I was afraid that I would fail and I did not have to courage to start. So I continued to push things off.

It’s funny how so many people seem to think that tomorrow is better than today for getting things done. We put off those things that are important to us and we lie to ourselves by saying that we will do them later.

Whatever you need to do, do it now! Today is the tomorrow you planned for yesterday, so start today.

My chat with Samara that day was a wake up call. I promised myself that day that I would not waste any more precious moments of my life regretting. I have been able to do that and have discovered inner peace in the process.

So I urge you to do the same. Don’t waste any more time on regrets. Learn the lesson and move on. There’s still a lot of life in you. Go out there and live it!

Source: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-seize-the-moment-to-live-without-regrets/