Life 2.0: Coping with Divorce

If there was one thing in my life I knew for certain, it was that my wife and I were going to be together forever. That was until Christmas Eve 2014 when suddenly my life was turned upside down and the previously inconceivable idea that we wouldn’t be together, became a reality. This solid structure we spent years building together suddenly came crashing down.

At the time of events, we’d been married for 8 years and together for a total of 15 years — 40% of my entire life — and it was near impossible to imagine life without her. During the first twelve months of our separation, I had two recurring visuals. The first was of myself running shirtless, feverishly as fast as I could, down the sidewalk of a crowded Los Feliz Blvd, through concerned and confused onlookers walking three abreast, to where I don’t know. The other visual was of myself trying to keep afloat deep in a wild river, desperately trying to pull myself upstream over jagged rocks, until I realized that my attempts were useless and that it was time to let go. Surrendering, the raging waters led me down to a calmer, winding river taking me where I’m meant to be. 

In addition to attending therapy on Friday afternoons, I read articles about separation, divorce, change, how to cope with loss, and how to move on. I read how many divorced men isolate themselves and become more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes than married men. More troubling, I read how divorced men are also more likely to commit suicide than married men. 

I discovered articles from others who’d been through a divorce who shared how no matter what, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will survive this. There was a period where I honestly wasn’t sure that I was going to be one of those who’d get through this. I knew I had a choice either to sink or swim. I thought about those who get stuck, those unable to turn their life around, and the very fear of drowning from this provided me with enough motivation to swim to the top.

I was determined to not just survive but harness the energy to inspire change and experience the wisdom that grief offers, and hopefully to later help others.

What I’ve learned over the past two and half years is that grief takes time and it goes through various stages and in various phases. There is no fast-forward button. You need to be present, you need to be kind to yourself and you need be patient. You will slip up every now and then, be it through ruminating over events or perhaps escaping through bad habits like drinking too much, but you need to stay determined that you will get through this.

Initially, all you’ll want is either for your life to miraculously go back to how it was — whether those times were actually good or bad — or you’ll want to magically come through the other side, land on your feet, and move effortlessly into your new life.

The fact is you can’t speed through the stages. In an attempt to understand and reconcile why and how you’ve been forced to go through this grief, there will be times where you will “make sense” of your grief because it has now perhaps led you down this new path that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. It’s only natural that we try to make sense of events. 

There’s nothing wrong with this; in our grief we need something to hold onto — we need to know that this hurt is not in vain. The truth is, even if our separation or divorce awoke something in us and led us down a new path, it’s important to be know that our new path we’re on won’t always be an easy, straight line. There will be uneven surfaces, you will walk two steps forward and one back, and the path will get obscured or lead you to what appears to be one dead end after another. But you have to trust and believe you are on the right path and you just need to keep walking.

Life after separation or divorce is a journey. It is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. Healing from your loss doesn’t mean you no longer feel sadness when thinking about your ex, the memories and the life you shared together, but learning and growing from the experience to bring you closer to yourself.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/02/life-2-0-coping-with-divorce/

10 Ways to Reboot Your Life and Get a Fresh Start

Everyone has wished at some point or another that life came with a reboot button.

We’re all familiar with the term “reboot” when it comes to computers. Rebooting is a troubleshooting method: when your computer is giving you trouble—for example, a program locks up or is simply not responding–you shut it down and restart it. In addition, a common way to reboot your computer is to press down on the Ctrl+Alt+Del keys simultaneously.

Sometimes an area of your life—or perhaps more than one—has gone completely off track and makes you feel bogged down and like you just can’t move forward. If this is the case, instead of making small changes here and there, you may want to wipe the slate clean and simply restart in that area of your life. Here are some ways in which your life may need a reboot:

You’ve been eating unhealthy foods for a few months and you’ve gained weight and are feeling sluggish.
You’ve been staying late at work for what seems like forever and are feeling burned out.
Your schedule is so packed with things you need to get done, that you feel nauseas when you look at it.
Your relationship with your significant other hasn’t been going well for a while.

If you feel like you need a fresh start in any area of your life, read on. Below you’ll find 10 ways to reboot your life and get a fresh start.

1. Reboot Your Diet

If you’ve been eating unhealthy foods for a long period of time, you probably need to reboot your diet. You can do this by following a detox plan.
“Detox” is short for detoxification. It consists of a focused, short term diet that will allow your body to eliminate toxins and jump-start a weight loss program or help you to completely alter your eating habits. One of the main goals of a detox diet is to eliminate toxins from your body – which is why it’s also called a cleanse.
Wheat—such as pasta and bread—is usually eliminated completely during a detox–, as well as sweeteners — such as refined sugar and high fructose corn syrup. In addition, most detox diets encourage you to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, sometimes as smoothies and shakes.
Going on a detox diet can help you to reboot your diet and set the stage for improving your eating habits and your health.

2. Reboot Your Wardrobe

How many times have you opened your closet and thought the following to yourself:
I have nothing to wear.
Nothing in here fits.
Everything in here is either stained, wrinkled, or is missing a button.
This probably sounds familiar to a lot of people, and not just women. If this sounds like you, then you need to reboot your wardrobe.
A great strategy for rebooting your wardrobe is to create a Project 333 for yourself. Courtney Carver invented Project 333 to challenge people to wear only 33 articles of clothing for 3 months — including clothes, shoes, jewelry and accessories. Here’s what to do:

• Go through your wardrobe and choose the 33 items you’ll be wearing for the next three months. Everything that you choose has to fit and be in good condition.
• Put everything else in boxes. Seal the boxes with tape and put them out of sight.
• For the next three months all you’ll be wearing are your 33 items.

Following a Project 333 will do all of the following for you:

• Help you identify your personal style — the clothes that you love to wear and that flatter your body type.
• Help you identify holes in your current wardrobe.
• Stop you from impulse buying.
• Motivate you to keep everything in your closet clean and in good shape (after all, you only have a few things to wear).

3. Reboot A Room

If you feel like you’re going to drown in stuff every time that you enter your house, get a fresh start by rebooting a room. Choose a room of your house in which you spend a lot of time and do the following:

• Take everything out. You want to end up with an empty room, which will allow you to see how open and free the space feels.
• Step back and visualize the ideal look of that room.
• Only put back the things that you need, love, and use (and which really belong in that room).
• Go slowly, starting with the most essential items.
• Once you see how neat and organized everything looks in your newly rebooted room, and how much space you’ve created in that room, you’ll probably be inspired to reboot every room in your house.

4. Reboot on a Retreat

We all need to get away from it all from time to time, especially when we start to experience burn out. Chronic stress can make you feel exhausted–emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

In addition, stress can zap your motivation, interfere with your ability to concentrate, and even cause health problems.
Going on a vacation—or more specifically, a retreat—can help you to leave the mayhem of the day-to-day behind so that you can reconnect with yourself and what really matters to you. A few days at a retreat can help you to clear your mind and gain new perspective.
There are even retreats which focus on specific life areas. For example, you can find retreats for any of the following:

• A fitness retreat.
• A marriage retreat.
• A life-reassessment retreat.
• A career retreat.
• In addition, one option is to go on a one-year sabbatical.

5. Reboot Your Internal Clock

If your sleep cycle is out of whack–you stay up until 3:00 a.m. watching Netflix and checking Facebook–and you get up sometime after 10:00 a.m., you need to restart, or reboot, your internal clock. Your body’s clock is “set” by cues like light, when you eat, or when you exercise. Here are two ways to take advantage of these cues to reboot your internal clock:
Stop eating during the 12-16 hour period before you want to be awake. So, if you want to start waking up at 7:00 a.m., stop eating at about 5:00 p.m. the day before. Don’t break your fast until you wake up at 7:00 a.m. the next morning. There’s scientific research to back this up.
If you want to start getting up at 7:00 a.m., get thirty minutes of bright light ten minutes after waking up. In addition, keep lights low at the end of the day, and stay away from bright computer screens or television exposure shortly before bed.

6. Reboot You Calendar

If you find that your calendar and daily schedule are jam-packed with activities and commitments, most of which fill you with dread, then it’s time to reboot your calendar. Sit down with a blank sheet of paper and start re-creating your calendar from scratch.
Before you add anything back on your schedule, take the time to reexamine whether that task or activity really needs to be there. Question everything:

• Your commitments;
• Your commute;
• The tasks that you carry out on a regular basis and whether they really need to be done;
• The amount of time that you spend on each task;
• How often you perform certain tasks; and so on.

Only put back into your schedule the things that you absolutely need to do, and the things that you love to do.

7. Reboot Your Finances

If financial stress is keeping you down, you need to reboot your finances. Do the following:

• Get all of the food that you’re going to need for the month.
• Get necessities such as toothpaste and toilet paper.
• Write down the absolute essentials that you have to spend money on throughout the month, such as bus fare and the cost of utilities.

Then, for 30 days, spend absolutely no money except for the things on your “absolute essentials” list. Use the 30 days to reevaluate what you’re currently spending your money on, create a budget, and create a plan on how to better deal with your finances.

8. Reboot Your Goals

There’s a little less than 100 days left of the year. How are you doing on the resolutions that you set at the start of the year? If the answer is “not well”, then you need to reboot your goals. Do the following:

• Take a look at the goals that you set at the beginning of the year.
• Choose just one and discard the rest.
• Start fresh on that goal, as if it were January 1st.

It doesn’t matter if you tried to go on a diet in January and were back to eating junk food by the second week of February, or if you started working on your ebook in March but quit after a few days. You’re giving yourself a fresh start on your goal.
Ask yourself why you failed to follow through on your goal, make the necessary adjustments to your plan for achieving your goal, and get to it.

9. One-Hour-A-Day Reboot

You can get a fresh start each day–that is, reboot every morning–in just one-hour-a-day. 

Regardless of what may have happened the day before, you can start each morning with a clean slate by devoting the first hour of the day to doing the following:

• Spend fifteen minutes eating a healthy breakfast.
• Spend fifteen minutes journaling or writing Morning Pages.
• Spend fifteen minutes meditating or following a yoga routine.
• Spend fifteen minutes exercising–you can rebound on a trampoline or walk a few times around the block.

Give yourself the gift of a daily reboot.

10. Extreme Reboot

Sometimes life goes so severely off course that we need an extreme reboot. The extreme version of a life reboot is to quit your job, file for divorce, sell everything that you own, and move to a new city (or even another country).

Only you can decide if such drastic measures are necessary. However, more often than not by pressing the Ctrl+Alt+Del keys in one or two areas of your life, all other areas will start to fall into place.

Conclusion

If you feel that you’re stuck in a pattern, you’ve been following the wrong path for too long, or your life needs a jolt, you need to reboot. You can get started with the ten reboot strategies explained above. Live your best life by rebooting any area of your life in which you need a fresh start.

Source: https://daringtolivefully.com/reboot-your-life

Tips for Starting Over and Rebooting Your Life

New moon, new year...recipe essentials for creating a new life

Wishing you could start the new year all over again? You can at any time. Pick a day, any day, and declare it your personal new year's day to reboot your life. If you select today, you're not alone as the new moon marks the new year among many ancient cultures (take note, Chinese New Year is today). Still consider a birthday, anniversary, or any day to start anew and consider these tips for making new and improved resolutions that are guaranteed to succeed.

The single biggest factor that impacts the success of resolution-making is to realize what you focus on expands. Focus on avoiding something (e.g. drinking, overeating, procrastinating) and you just might ensure its continued success. As an example, 98% of people dealing with stress tend to wake up at night ruminating about the thing that bothers them. It might be a fight with a child, an argument with a coworker, burgeoning mortgage bills, illness, or something else. It makes sense to focus on the problem. Yet, like the old adage, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, the problem will get the energy, which only serves to reinforce the rumination. They key is to focus on the opposing force of the problem-the solution.

To illustrate, let's use the example of the seven deadly sins (pride, envy, sloth, greed, anger, gluttony, and lust). Numerous stories throughout time teach caution about succumbing to these behaviors. The message is reinforced to us at a young age by parents, teachers, books, and the media. For instance, recall Star Wars, episode 3, where Anakin Skywalker transforms into Darth Vader after allowing fear, envy, anger, and pride to mask his heart and intuition. In the episode, Yoda warns Anakin not to focus on the dark side of the force.

Like Darth Vader, human beings focus on the dark side of the force much of the time. I see it in myself, my friends, my family, and my clients. We fall of the bike of positive thinking and start ruminating on the negative and what we're trying to avoid. Don't believe me? Look at these top 13 New Year resolutions in the United States. The very first one is to lose weight with managing debt coming in second place. Both of these resolutions focus on the problem instead of the solution. Perhaps that's why more than 68% of people will give up on their resolutions within the first two weeks.

People would be more successful if they focused on the light side of the force. Instead of making a resolution to lose weight, try making an intention to take care of your body with nourishing food, love and care. That love and care might consist of vitamins, exercise, deep breathing, emollient lotions, uplifting fragrances, plenty of water, and listening. Let your body speak to you about what it feels. A tummy ache might be a red flag that something is bothering you. Maybe putting up better boundaries and treating yourself with respect is needed. You may not hear this critical wisdom if you're getting mad at your body for not fitting in your clothes.

Regarding managing your debt, can you tell this resolution focuses on lack? Treat your money with love, care and gratitude. Notice everything you have and how fortunate you are that you have the ability to pay for water, electricity, and things so often taken for granted. Debt begins to melt away (and never take hold in the first place) when we manage our money with gratitude. What happens is that people tend to focus on what they don't have or how little money they or their partner is making, which leads to a vicious cycle of spending to feel better and then regretting. Stop the cycle by appreciating the joy that $1 gives you. The thrill of that hot shower. The warmth of the extra blanket on your bed. The comfort of the fuzzy slippers or soft socks. That is where the magic lives and abundance multiplies.
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As for those seven deadly sins, try focusing on their complementary positives-the seven joys. Instead of avoiding greed, think of expanding how much you share. Instead of battling lust, try encouraging people's soulful dreams. Instead of resisting anger, give yourself nourishing love. Instead of avoiding becoming a sloth (couch-potato syndrome), allow yourself to dance more. Instead of inhibiting your inner glutton, try releasing your inner artist and seek quality over quantity. Instead of hiding from your proud ego, focus on fostering unconditional self-acceptance. Finally, instead of detaining your green-eyed monster of envy, try re-focusing on gratitude in the moment.

If you've gotten anything from this article, I hope it's that attitude is everything. Please don't beat yourself up. Take it one day at a time and keep readjusting your sights on the light. It will become natural over time.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201201/tips-starting-over-and-rebooting-your-life

10 Tools for Restarting Your Life

Start small and don’t put too much pressure on yourself

For many, finding their way through the next year will feel like starting over. Not a completely horrible prospect, but the workload can be daunting. Here are some tips to help you create some new beginnings and make your life a little more emotionally fit in the process.

1. Starting over is not the same as recouping from a failure. It is a new beginning, and you have gained experience and knowledge to help you reach your goals. Reignite your passion by imagining what it will feel like when you achieve the desired result.
2. Moving through life is like climbing stairs. You go up a step or two, and then you level off and you may go down a step, but you are still higher than you were. That’s the process of life (and therapy) nothing is ever a straight shot. Have some patience with yourself and with your newfound direction.
3. You can create a whole new life if you want it. You just have to approach it in the right way. Sometimes little ideas can turn into big things. Visualize a positive outcome for your issue. Medical doctors recommend visualization to patients with chronic and potentially fatal illnesses. If it can help them, it can do the same for you.
4. Endings are not necessarily bad things. Even if you lost your job, savings or home, what comes to you in the future may be better than what you had. Sometimes the phoenix has to burn, so it can rise again.
5. Starting over may feel scary, but it can be a cause for celebration. Think of it as exciting, and many of your anxious feelings will begin to fade. The truth is that anxiety and excitement feel exactly the same to the body. It’s our minds that make it scary versus exhilarating.
6. Remember that your future is not governed by your past. No matter what has happened in your life, you can find a way to make things a little better for yourself, and hopefully for those around you as well.
7. Having to start over is different from choosing to start over. For many whose lives are still in chaos because of the trying times we are in, starting over is not a choice. It can be hard to accept support from others. If you find it difficult to take that in, just promise yourself that you will return the favor and do something to “pay it forward” as soon as possible.
8. Healthy alternatives to negative lifestyle patterns abound. If you can’t stop a bad habit, start by cutting back. It’s okay to give yourself a little time to moderate or stop something that’s hurting you.
9. Starting over is about creating and reaching new goals. We are happiest when we’re moving toward a goal. It’s not all about the end result, in fact when you do achieve a dream you must find a new one as soon as possible in order to stay emotionally fit. Think about it this way, you can either be green and growing or ripe and rotting. Which do you prefer?
10. Starting over is about giving yourself a chance at real happiness. You will have to be brave and get good at learning new things, but how bad can that be? At the very worst, you will acquire the skills you need to start on the next project.

Finding ways to begin anew will give you energy. The excitement of moving toward what you want will also bring you happiness. Just start small and don’t put too much pressure on yourself, you’ll get there sooner than you think.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201212/10-tools-restarting-your-life

How to Reboot Yourself

“Alright everybody…back to ones.”

This is what you’ll hear if you’re working on a film set and they’re going to reshoot a scene. I’ve been an extra in several films, and the more times I heard that phrase meant the more hours I was going to be spending on set that day. It wasn’t the greatest sentence to hear, but deep down I knew that the intent behind it was to get the scene completed just right. Going “back to ones” time and time again rebooted the scene until it worked.

There are times in our lives where we need to reboot ourselves. We get stuck in a pattern, follow the wrong path for too long or simply need a jolt; that’s when rebooting can be the best thing we can do. Think about when you reboot a computer: you’re essentially changing how it is currently functioning (usually slowly and sluggishly) and getting it back to where it was when you first powered it up. You’re not changing the entirety of the computer, just the way it is currently operating. When you reboot yourself, you’re doing the same thing. You’re not changing the inner workings of yourself, you’re changing how you’re currently operating.
But rebooting yourself isn’t as easy as pressing a power button or holding down control-alt-delete. There’s more to it than that.

Remove Yourself

When you are going about the reboot process, you need to step back and steer clear of whatever it is that you’re doing that is causing the need to reboot. That may mean taking a day off of work mid-week or taking a trip to get away from it all so that you can get clear with yourself. Regardless, it has to be something that you would not normally do. Calling in sick mid-week or taking one of your vacation days to break the pattern of a steady work week is one method. Using paid vacation to go as far away from what’s got you stuck is another. This isn’t running away from the problem – this is putting yourself in a place where you can really look at it and decide what the next step is. The goal is to reset yourself and you can’t do that when you’re still “on”.

Rest Yourself

Once you’ve taken the time to get clear on your next move, take the time to enjoy that moment. When a computer reboots it takes a bit of time to refresh itself. You don’t press the power button and see it instantly turn back on. It spends time getting ready for what’s next. That’s what you need to do.

You need to reflect on what you’ve decided to do and why you’ve decided to do it – and then look forward to what’s next. There’s no clutter involved, no stress. You’re just warming up. You’re getting ready to go. That takes time and energy. So rest up…and then go.

Recognise Yourself

Now that you’re clear and rested, recognize what you’re going to do to keep operating at the level you need to without having to reboot again anytime soon. Rebooting slows you down initially but once you’re up and running again you start to progress rapidly – as long as you stay focussed on what your intention is. You need to recognize this and act on it, otherwise you’ll be rebooting yourself again far too soon.

If you do end up having to reboot yourself too often for your liking, then there’s a bigger problem. You’re worn out in the current situation and no reboot can sustain you for very long. That’s when you need an overhaul. Coming to this conclusion also takes recogintion on your part, so having the awareness to recognize yourself in the rebooting process can save you a ton of time, enery and suffering in the future. As with a computer, there’s nothing more frustrating than having to constantly be rebooted. Recognize when a reboot works and when an upgrade is in order. It’s not just a time-saver – it’s a lifesaver.

Yourself…Rebooted

Just as being stuck can be a stick in the craw of your productivity, so can not knowing how to get yourself unstuck. The next time you feel that you’d be better off just trudging through your difficulties, think about giving yourself a reboot. It may just be the wake-up call you need, and now you’ve got the tools to get it done.

Don’t quit on yourself and your situation. Take a page from technology and “force quit” what’s going on and fire yourself up again. You may find out a lot more about what’s going on inside you and whether or not you need to refresh your life – or if you need to upgrade your life.

Source: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/how-to-reboot-yourself.html