Is Divorce Bad for Children?

The breakup may be painful, but most kids adjust well over time

Many of the 1.5 million children in the U.S. whose parents divorce every year feel as if their worlds are falling apart. Divorcing parents are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during this troublesome process. Some parents are so worried that they remain in unhappy marriages, believing it will protect their offspring from the trauma of divorce.

Yet parents who split have reasons for hope. Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage of children experience serious problems in the wake of divorce or, later, as adults. In this column, we discuss these findings as well as factors that may protect children from the potentially harmful effects of divorce.

Rapid Recovery

Divorce affects most children in the short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year. Only a minority of kids suffer longer.

Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania State University, examined the possible effects on children several years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On average, the studies found only very small differences on all these measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce well.

Researchers have consistently found that high levels of parental conflict during and after a divorce are associated with poorer adjustment in children. The effects of conflict before the separation, however, may be the reverse in some cases. In a 1985 study Hetherington and her associates reported that some children who are exposed to high levels of marital discord prior to divorce adjust better than children who experience low levels. Apparently when marital conflict is muted, children are often unprepared when told about the upcoming divorce. They are surprised, perhaps even terrified, by the news. In addition, children from high-discord families may experience the divorce as a welcome relief from their parents' fighting.

Taken together, the findings suggest that only a small percentage of young people experience divorce-related problems. Even here the causes of these lingering difficulties remain uncertain. Some troubles may arise from conflict between Mom and Dad associated with the divorce. The stress of the situation can also cause the quality of parenting to suffer. Divorce frequently contributes to depression, anxiety or substance abuse in one or both parents and may bring about difficulties in balancing work and child rearing. These problems can impair a parent's ability to offer children stability and love when they are most in need.

Grown-up Concerns

The experience of divorce can also create problems that do not appear until the late teenage years or adulthood. In 2000 in a book entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein, then at the University of California, Berkeley, and her colleagues present detailed case studies suggesting that most adults who were children of divorce experience serious problems such as depression and relationship issues.
Yet scientific research does not support the view that problems in adulthood are prevalent; it instead demonstrates that most children of divorce become well-adjusted adults. For example, in a 2002 book, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, Hetherington and her co-author, journalist John Kelly, describe a 25-year study in which Hetherington followed children of divorce and children of parents who stayed together. She found that 25 percent of the adults whose parents had divorced experienced serious social, emotional or psychological troubles compared with 10 percent of those whose parents remained together. These findings suggest that only 15 percent of adult children of divorce experience problems over and above those from stable families. No one knows whether this difference is caused by the divorce itself or by variables, such as poorer parenting, that often accompany a marriage's dissolution.[break]
In a review article in 2003, psychologists Joan B. Kelly of Corte Madera, Calif., and Robert E. Emery of the University of Virginia concluded that the relationships of adults whose parents' marriages failed do tend to be somewhat more problematic than those of children from stable homes. For instance, people whose parents split when they were young experience more difficulty forming and sustaining intimate relationships as young adults, greater dissatisfaction with their marriages, a higher divorce rate and poorer relationships with the noncustodial father compared with adults from sustained marriages. On all other measures, differences between the two groups were small.

Bouncing Back

Even though children of divorce generally do well, a number of factors can reduce the problems they might experience. Children fare better if parents can limit conflict associated with the divorce process or minimize the child's exposure to it. Further, children who live in the custody of at least one well-functioning parent do better than those whose primary parent is doing poorly. In the latter situation, the maladjusted parent should seek professional help or consider limiting his or her time with the child. Parents can also support their children during this difficult time by talking to them clearly about the divorce and its implications and answering their questions fully.

Other, more general facets of good parenting can also buffer against divorce-related difficulties in children. Parents should provide warmth and emotional support, and they should closely monitor their children's activities. They should also deliver discipline that is neither overly permissive nor overly strict. Other factors contributing to children's adjustment include post divorce economic stability and social support from peers and other adults, such as teachers.

In addition, certain characteristics of the child can influence his or her resilience. Children with an easygoing temperament tend to fare better. Coping styles also make a difference. For example, children who are good problem solvers and who seek social support are more resilient than those who rely on distraction and avoidance.

The good news is that although divorce is hard and often extremely painful for children, long-term harm is not inevitable. Most children bounce back and get through this difficult situation with few if any battle scars.

Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/

Divorce MMA: Release the Narcissist Hold on Your Life

It's time to get out of these nasty constraints and reclaim your life.

You’re divorcing a narcissist who, ironically, keeps claiming that you (the caring and loving one) only cares about themselves. And after years of psychological warfare, you feel strangled to near suffocation in your marriage.

It’s time to get out of these nasty constraints and reclaim your life.

It’s time to end the narcissist’s chokehold on your personality, happiness and decision making.

But it’s going to be hard. Studies have found that 8% of men and 5% of women have 
narcissistic personality disorder, so there’s a decent chance that your partner is a narcissist.
You can release their nasty hold on you by:

1. Realizing Narcissists Play Games

That’s right: narcissists play games with everyone, including the people that they say they love the most. Why? Well, just like Conor McGregor shows us in the UFC, people can get where they want by playing mind games.

Sure, Conor is throwing his opponent off their A-game with trash talking, but in a divorce, the rules change:

• Motions will be filed time and time again
• False accusations will be made
• Personalities will change abruptly

The end game? Wearing you down to the point where you’ll do anything to end the marriage or end the divorce proceedings.

He or she may even call you a neglectful parent just to get in your head.

2. Refusing to Negotiate or Give In

There will be legal negotiations, and there may even be a little giving in to get the divorce settled, but when narcissists are at their best, they will pressure you into their manipulative grasp. The bad thing is that time is not on your side.

The longer the proceedings take place, the harder it will be to get loose.

• You never want to:
• Settle just to get it done
• Expect good faith dealings

When facts and circumstances change, these individuals will continue stating their same position again and again. Turn these narcissists off using your lawyer as your only form of contact.

3. Letting Go of Emotions

I get it: you love your ex. You might still be in love with this person and hope that things change before it ruins your happy little family. The problem is that unless a person is willing to give it their all, we’re talking therapy and major life changes, there is no way that they’ll change.

You need to stop feeling all of these overwhelming emotions (easier said than done), and start thinking about your current situation.

The narcissist has prepared for the grand finale their entire lives.

They’ll put on a show that has never been seen before.

And they’ll play they leading role of:

• Victim
• Martyr

The goal of this performance? Well, making you out to be the horrible, low-life person that isn’t worthy of being loved. You’ll find this the hardest aspect of the divorce where you’ll need to let go of your emotions and block out the act.

You’ll be painted as a bad parent, or you may be painted as an unworthy person who can’t be loved.

Ignore it all and fight on.

Studies indicate that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has:

• Doubled in the US in the last decade
• May be common in the financial sector

Since there are no known causes of NPD, the best you can do is prepare for the fight of your life. Study NPD, work with a sensei (i.e. your lawyer) and find a game plan that ensures you release the chokehold your ex has on your life.

The moment you realize that the person, the man or woman that you loved so passionately, is never going to be wrong, listen to your feelings or even think about you, you’ll be able to surmount the divorce proceedings unscathed.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/divorce-mma-release-the-narcissist-hold-on-your-life-bbab/

The Do's and Don'ts of Co-Parenting Well

Effective problem solving can help you avoid getting depressed.

Living with a chronic condition, like depression, requires you to focus on creating balance and well-being on a daily basis. For those who are separated, divorced or sharing custody of a child, the struggles of co-parenting can produce enormous stressors.

Co-parenting, sometimes called joint parenting or shared parenting, is the experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs. Often a difficult process, co-parenting is greatly influenced by the reciprocal interactions of each parent. So, if you're parenting in a healthy way but your Ex isn't, your children will be at risk for developmental problems. Same goes if you're being too permissive and your Ex is too stern. Co-parenting requires empathy, patience and open communication for success. Not an easy thing to achieve for couples who've encountered marital issues. However, placing the sole focus on your children can be a great way of helping to make co-parenting a positive experience. Here are some tips.

Two Ways of Problem Solving
When co-parenting, there are two problem solving techniques to keep in mind: Strategic problem-solving and Social-psychological problem solving.

Strategic problem-solving model looks just at the issues at hand. The behavioral aspects of your child's problem are highlighted as is the co-parenting trouble spots. Do not address the emotional reasons why problems are happening. As co-parents you will identify the problem and negotiate choices and solutions as objectively as possible. Strategic problem solving directs each parent to resolve conflict through a careful approach of 1) exchanging information about needs and priorities, 2) building upon shared concerns, 3) and searching for solutions. This is done without getting into yours or your Ex's emotional needs, wants and desires.

Social-psychological problem solving is a more emotional way of resolving issues. The focus here looks at your attitudes and the emotional reasons for co-parenting blind spots. While the social-psychological model, like the strategic model, assumes that parenting conflicts are bound to arise, it differs from the strategic model by focusing on the psychological factors that drive conflict and negotiation impasses. Talking with your Ex using this model can be tough, and it's okay if you never reach this way of problem solving. But if you do, remember not to be accusatory or critical. Invite your Ex to see your side with empathy, compassion and authentic concern for the children.

Do's:

• Commit to making co-parenting an open dialogue with your Ex. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or face to face conversation. There are even websites where you can upload schedules, share information and communicate so you and your Ex don't have to directly touch base.
• Rules should be consistent and agreed upon at both households. As much as they fight it, children need routine and structure. Issues like meal time, bed time, and completing chores need to consistent. The same goes for school work and projects. Running a tight ship creates a sense of security and predictability for children. So no matter where your child is, he or she knows that certain rules will be enforced. "You know the deal, before we can go to the movies, you gotta get that bed made."
• Commit to positive talk around the house. Make it a rule to frown upon your children talking disrespectfully about your Ex even though it may be music to your ears.
• Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.
• Create an Extended Family Plan. Negotiate and agree on the role extended family members will play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge.
• Recognize that co-parenting will challenge you - and the reason for making accommodations in your parenting style is NOT BECAUSE YOUR EX WANTS THIS OR THAT, but for the needs of your children.
• Be Aware of Slippery Slopes. Be aware that children will frequently test boundaries and rules, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. This is why a united front in co-parenting is recommended.
• Be boring. Research shows that children need time to do ordinary things with their less-seen parent, not just fun things.
• Update often. Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your Ex keep each other informed about all changes in your life, or circumstances that are challenging or difficult. It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.
• Go for the high notes. Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent. Remember to recognize the different traits you and your Ex have - and reinforce this awareness with your children. Speaking positively about your Ex teaches children that despite your differences, you can still appreciate positive things about your Ex. "Mommy's really good at making you feel better when you're sick. I know, I'm not as good as she is." It also directs children to see the positive qualities in his or her parent too. "Daddy's much better at organizing things than I am."

Don'ts

• Don't burden your child. Emotionally charged issues about your Ex should never be part of your parenting. Never sabotage your child's relationship with your Ex by trash talking. Never use your child to gain information about things going on or to sway your Ex about an issue. The main thing here is this: Don't expose children to conflict. Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities.
• Don't jump to conclusions or condemn your Ex. When you hear things from your children that make you bristle, take a breath and remain quiet. Remember that any negative comments your children make are often best taken with a grain of salt. It's always good to remain neutral when things like this happen. Research shows that your child can learn to resent and distrust you if you cheer them on.
• Don't be an unbalanced parent. Resist being the fun guy or the cool mom when your children are with you. Doing so backfires once they return to your Ex - and sets into motion a cycle of resentment, hostility and a reluctance to follow rules for all involved. Remember that children develop best with a united front. Co-parenting with a healthy dose of fun, structure and predictability is a win-win for everyone.
• Don't give into guilt. Divorce is a painful experience, and one that conjures up many emotions. Not being in your child's life on a full time basis can cause you to convert your guilt into overindulgence. Understand the psychology of parental guilt - and how to recognize that granting wishes without limits is never good. Research shows that children can become self-centered, lack empathy and believe in the need to get unrealistic entitlement from others. Confusion understanding the dynamics of need versus want, as well as taming impulsivity becomes troublesome for children to negotiate too.
• Don't punish your Ex by allowing your child to wiggle out of responsibility.Loosening the reigns because you just want to be a thorn in your Ex's side is a big no-no. "I know Mommy likes you to get your homework done first, but you can do that later." "Don't tell Daddy I gave you the extra money to buy the video game you've been working towards." If you need to get your negative emotions out, find another outlet. Voodoo dolls, skeet shooting and kick boxing can yield the same results, but with less of a parenting mess. Remember, work before play is a golden rule - and one that will help your child throughout their lifetime. Making sure to be consistent helps your child transition back and forth from your Ex - and back and forth to you too.
• Don't accuse. Discuss. Never remain quiet if something about your Ex's co-parenting is troubling you. If you don't have a good personal relationship with your Ex, create a working business arrangement. Communication about co-parenting is extremely vital for your child's healthy development. No finger pointing or you-keep-doing-this kind of talk. The best approach when communicating is to make your child the focal point: "I see the kids doing this-and-that after they return home from their visit. Any ideas of what we can do?" Notice there's not one "you" word in there. No accusatory tone or finger-pointing either.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201203/the-dos-and-donts-co-parenting-well

3 Reasons Infidelity Often Leads To Divorce

Will Infidelity Break Your Marriage Beyond Repair?

Infidelity leads to divorce and is probably the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Statistics vary on this subject, but it's widely reported that 60% of men and 40% of women will participate in an extramarital affair at some point during their married life.

If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might fear that you are loosing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity.

It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage.

If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.

Below Are 3 Reasons Infidelity Leads To Divorce:

1. Denial of The Problem:

This is a very normal first reaction, and most of people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.

Infidelity is usually the result of problems in the marriage. If you can't accept your spouse's infidelity, you are left with more problems that you started with. You have to be able to deal, in a healthy manner, the cheating and the problems that lead to the cheating. 

2. Inappropriately Expressed Anger:

You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we get from being married.

It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the affair partner who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control. Whether you want to save your marriage or, move on via divorce, anger expressed in a negative manner will keep you from doing either. 

Learn how to use the anger you feel in a constructive manner.

3. Feelings of Rejection:

It's impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover.

Turn to your friends and family for strength. And, without a doubt, you should not define your desirability based on the fact your spouse cheated. 

Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems. It is not necessarily your fault, and you are no less a person because your spouse committed adultery

Everyone will experience the unfaithfulness of a spouse differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

If you decide to divorce, the range of emotions you feel will become wider. Therefore, it is imperative that you develop good coping skills to get you through, not only the infidelity but also the divorce process.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-infidelity-often-leads-to-divorce-1102520

Divorce Recovery & Your Ticket to Divorce Purgatory: A Summary of the 7 Deadly Mindset Sins to Avoid

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Wayne Dyer

"Mind over matter." It means how we think about an issue can have a significant influence in how we deal with that issue.

This innocuous phrase is nothing more than a general, feel-good aphorism - unless it is armed with specific, issue-related targets.

And, that's what we have here: Seven specific, issue-related targets that require you to choose between focusing on the past versus looking to the future.

The perspective you choose will materially affect the success of both getting uncoupled (that is, divorced), as well as recovering from your divorce.

Unfortunately, more often than not, we automatically look at divorce and the divorce recovery process through the lens of a painful past and can only see how frightening the unknown future life after divorce appears to be.

This is where the offer of a mindset shift can save you from years of unnecessary pain.

SEVEN SPECIFIC DIVORCE-RELATED MINDSET ISSUES

Issue 1. Divorce as a Problem to be Solved or a Person to Be Punished?

Do you see divorce recovery as presenting a series of problems to be solved? Or does it present you with a series of opportunities to take revenge on your ex?

Issue 2. Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy?

If you had to choose, would you rather be happy? Or would you rather be right? There are no slam-dunk winners in divorce. Are you willing to let being happy be enough? What's truly more important to you: living a future of happiness or spending your life justifying the "rightness" of your past actions and reactions?

Issue 3. Divorce: Calamity or a Do-Over?

Do you see your divorce as a tragedy or as the gift of another chance to realize happiness and fulfillment? Are you excited at the opportunity to "start over," but now with the newly gained wisdom earned from your divorce?

Issue 4. Is the Divorce Decree a Personal Affront or an Invitation to Happiness and Contentment?

Do you see the judge's opinion in the final decree as a disastrous personal indignity, or as an invitation to experience great new things? No one likes all the aspects of a divorce decree. Can you treat the decree as an example of "what is," or do you prefer to see it as a loss of "what could have, or even should have, been?"

Issue 5. The Divorce Kaleidoscope: A Broken Picture of the Past or New Way to See Your World?

If you looked at your divorce through the eyes of a kaleidoscope, do you see an exciting new way to observe your future, or do you see a broken picture of how life used to be?

Issue 6. Divorce as a Life Event or Divorce as a Way of Life?

Do you see your divorce as just an event, albeit a traumatic one, in your life? Or, is your divorce a way of life that reflects how you think about yourself and defines who you are?

Issue 7. Do You Look in the Mirror to Remember the Past or Keep Your Eye on the Prize?

Are you willing to keep your eye on the prize: happiness and contentment in the next chapter of your life? Or does divorce provide an opportunity to relive the past and feel sorry for yourself? After the initial disappointment has passed, where will you put your energy? On a hopeful future or an unpleasant past?

FOCUS ON PAST OR FUTURE?

Each of the seven mindset issues presents a choice between holding on to the past versus looking to the future. Living in the past prepares a place of torment for you. Rather than accelerating through your recovery, you end up stalled on the side of the road in divorce purgatory with only your intimate nightmares of divorce to keep you company. The bottom line? The choice is yours, and yours alone.

ACTION STEPS

What to think: happiness and contentment are only a shift in mindset away.

What to feel: relief that you don't have to carry the past along with you 24/7.
What to do: reframe your memories of bad divorce experiences into visions of good for the future.

Warning: Just because it sounds simple to do doesn't mean it is easy.

Experiencing the death of a relationship is traumatic. Plus, embarking on life after a relationship dies carries with it the fear of an unknown future. I call this cluster of trauma and fear the "pain of divorce." In a nutshell, I end the pain. See http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/ for a full explanation of how the BeFree Divorce Recovery Program can speed up your recovery process.

Want to see how well you are handling the stress of your breakup? Fill in this short, free survey (http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/landing-page-divorce-recovery-stress-inventory/) to find out how you compare with over 500 others who have gone before you.

Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Jerald_Young,_Ph.D./85188