A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable.
On my 30th birthday, I received the gift every girl dreams of. Well, OK, maybe not every girl. Maybe just this girl and a few others I know. It arrived on that unusually sunny February morning in England, gift wrapped in an airmail envelope. I must have sensed at some level that its contents were of a rare and mystical quality because I opened it as if in possession of the holy grail itself.
Inside the envelope, shimmering in all of its golden, legal pad glory, was an agenda-free letter of amends from my ex-boyfriend, containing 2 A4 sides of pure, unadulterated accountability for his part in the demise of our relationship. It was poetry, and it made me feel good for exactly half an hour.
It was no coincidence, in my opinion, that this man subsequently met his soulmate and is now happily married to her. He had done his work and was cleaning house from a place of genuine remorse, free from inappropriate shame but without even a whisper of justification. I could feel his heart on the page and it is for that same reason I believe, that my emotional high that morning lasted for a mere 30 minutes. My house was still cluttered with ungrieved loss, unresolved wounds, and the absence of any real clarity or accountability for my own part in what had happened between us. It took an additional three-and-a-half years for me to return the favour. I’m sure, even then I came nowhere close to doing justice to the letter I’d received.
The sense of liberation that I felt, however, in writing those lines of heartfelt remorse, was a lesson I have subsequently carried with me like a treasure. The lesson that any unresolved pain I carry in my heart can never be liberated by another human being. Even if the scenario in question is a place where my role was entirely that of being a powerless victim. Recognition, accountability and even an apology from the so-called offender in question will never set me free. Forgiveness doesn’t come as a result of my offender’s awakening but only as a result of my own.
A couple of years ago, my understanding of why and how forgiveness works in this way deepened when a dear friend turned me on to a life-changing book called Radical Forgiveness. Overnight, my perception of everything transformed from three- to four-dimensional. I would strongly recommend this book to anyone in the clutches of unresolved hurts or a painfully-insistent cycle of being or perceiving themselves as being victimized or persecuted.
The author proposes that everything is happening for us, not to us. The book suggests that our souls have made agreements with one other to act out what we need to experience in order for us to evolve into our whole, actualised selves. So, when your boss routinely passes you over for that promotion, you have, according to Radical Forgiveness, at some level agreed that they would do this for you so that you would learn something about your role in this reoccurring pattern. Maybe you need to learn to value yourself more, to speak up or to risk leaving for a new job elsewhere that is a better match for your skills. Or perhaps you are learning that climbing the career ladder is not a reflection of your worth or a match for the emptiness you feel. Or maybe you have somebody in your life who repeatedly through word or deed implies that you are worthless, of low value, unlovable, not good enough, in some way faulty or wrong etc. Through the lens of this same premise, they are consistently offering you the opportunity to begin, in word and deed, to refute those implications, and to out-grow and heal the origins of those beliefs.
I cannot tell you how many times the following scenario has happened to/for me. I have an unconscious belief that is making my life miserable and blocking me from receiving or feeling joy, abundance, love, or any of the good stuff. And I know that I don’t have the good stuff, but I’m not conscious of the belief that is blocking it or creating the circumstances I’m feeling stuck in. So, as if by magic, a character shows up my life (when the student is ready, the teacher appears), and starts speaking, and or acting out my shadow beliefs, and they do it with complete and utter impunity. Usually, I either fall in love with them or I can’t stand them or a little of both depending on the severity of the belief. But always, at some point, they become intolerable to me, because in truth, what is happening is that they are making my own dysfunctional beliefs conscious, and they are giving me the opportunity to start rejecting them.
This is true of most of us. I reject the person or the situation that is bringing the consciousness alive for me because I don’t want to own that I’m carrying it and that I feel powerless to change. So here’s a better idea: Either they should change, or shut up or go away. But that never works. Because if they do, like clockwork, a new character shows up with the exact same script. Or I keep running the script that the character I amputated was running, round and around in my mind. And on it goes until I, myself, become clear around the beliefs that are no longer serving me.
At the point that I become clear and willing to change, the character who apparently had the contract to do this for me either changes, too or disappears. And it’s isn’t always a case of being shown a shadow belief. Sometimes a situation or person shows up that has something I want, something that I have been denying myself, not allowing myself to want, or not feeling good enough to have. Same principle. They bring to life the pain of the denied desire and all the beliefs that are blocking me from having it. Usually the same process too. Immediately I either put the person on a pedestal, ie. deny that they are just showing me an unrealised aspect of myself by making them superior to me. Or I degrade the thing I’m telling myself I don’t want or care about having, or easier still the offending character who has what I want, in an attempt to make it all unconscious again. Until the next time. Because, as we all know, that which we resist, persists!
While in the moment it feels excruciating or even impossible to find the gold in the discomfort—especially whenever a perceived injustice is being enacted in my life—and I want to take the person I see as being the offender and throw them off something very tall with an unforgiving landing ground, I am still almost positive that it is all happening for me, not to me.
Every scenario I believe contains a gift for all parties.
I’ve come to see these interactions less as unwanted confrontation or conflict but as shadow theatre. A performance of characters who appear to be dark but are actually being operated by helping hands with a desire to wake me up somehow. I have my so-called antagonists, the Voldermorts and pretty much anyone with an evil laugh at Disney, who are there to provoke me into growth, and the so called support team, the Sam Wise Ganges, C3POs, and Gandalfs, who are there to inspire and nourish me into growth.
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Whichever way you look at it, they’re all on the same side. How or why would Luke ever have discovered his connection to the force and his calling to become a Jedi if it hadn’t been for Darth Vader? Antagonists don’t just make for good stories; they are a necessity of life. I have come to see them as my best friends in disguise. The greater the infraction, the further I will have to travel and expand my capacity for compassion and healing and acceptance. From that perspective, the infraction becomes a gift worthy of gratitude.
Here’s the tricky part: To hold the knowledge of that truth, but to act according to the lessons. In other words, we’re not here to be boundaryless doormats in a state of transcendence around abusive behaviour. Nor should we be renouncing accountability for our own offending behaviour on the premise that we were doing someone a favour in order to help them with their personal growth. Sometimes the lesson is learning to draw the line, say no, or to speak up. Or perhaps it is learning to feel remorse or to be able to process appropriate guilt and shame around our dysfunctional behaviour. This isn’t a perspective designed to transcend accountability or difficult feelings; it is, in fact, the opposite. It is a perspective that takes the cycle of being stuck in shame, blame and waiting in order to get the liberation we need to move on or to grow.
Are apologies really only for the apologiser? I don’t think so. To be on the receiving end of an authentic, heartfelt amends can be a profoundly validating and moving experience. More than that, it seems to me to be the only pathway for deepening intimacy. The expression of authentic accountability and remorse builds trust in a relationship. A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable. Often it appears that the stronger and healthier a person’s ego, sense of self-worth, and personal security, the greater their capacity for personal accountability, remorse, and processing appropriate levels of healthy shame, all a necessary part of being available for healthy connection with others.
My closest relationships have all weathered a variety of storms, and been made stronger and more intimate by them. During these times we have earned each other’s trust by taking responsibility for our behaviour, and by demonstrating genuine remorse for the impact of our missteps. The desire to change and do better in the future often makes the parties involved feel valuable and valued. So perhaps this is one of the most powerful ways that intimacy is created. Because while the good times in relationships are wonderful, I wonder if our most intimate bonds are forged during times of difficulty or conflict.
People who have weathered storms together are usually closer than people who have only ever experienced the sunny parts of life together. Most healthy relationships, of course, contain a cocktail of shadow theatre and sunny picnics along with the acceptance that no human being is without dark and light. When I come to view the darkness in myself and others with a grateful and investigative mind, the world and everyone in it becomes more like a friendly school of evolution than a battlefield. While school wasn’t always my favourite place to be, I’d much rather be in class than at war.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/forgiveness-gratitude-tomayto-tomahto-lbkr/
An education is an esteemed commodity in our society. Rightfully so, school will teach you the history of humankind, make you a master of your field, and qualify you for work in the real world. Without a proper education, one often finds their success impeded and opportunities lacking.
But the education that school can offer fails in comparison with the knowledge that lifeforces upon us. Purposefully, life ushers us into battles that nearly destroy us... merely to fortify our strength. It knocks us down more times than we can count, if only to demonstrate our resilience to stand back up. It bends us to our breaking point to foster inner endurance and flexibility. My father used to say, “The star that fights the most shines the most.” Reminiscent of his words is the ageless truth that we must face our challenges to shine with the bold light of our authentic being. We will struggle, yes, but it is through our struggles that we will radiate ever more brilliantly.
Indeed, we will meet inevitable roadblocks as we stride along our journey. Like the multiple subjects taught in a classroom, life will instill in us seven central keys of knowledge. To pass these seven tests is to evolve from one phase of being to the next, to be promoted to a higher proverbial grade. Reflect on my seven lessons and understand how they uniquely apply to your life to conquer your challenges:
1. The lesson of give and take.
Nothing is taken from you without compensation. This means that your losses will always be atoned in one form or another. Appreciation follows loss. After all, we don’t know what we have until it’s gone, right? But also subsequent to loss is gain through different means. All you have to do is search for the window that is open once a door has closed.
2. The lesson of time and patience.
Time can be our best friend or our biggest enemy. In periods of pain, time seems to trickle by. But when we are content, hours fly by like seconds. Timing is everything, and everything in time. The interconnectedness of time and patience becomes evident when we are suffering: we want something to happen right now. Yet time drives us to develop patience, a virtue that can shift our mindset and truly bring time on our side.
3. The lesson of pain and fear.
These two emotions do not exempt anyone from their harsh lesson. They also don’t play favorites. It may be under different guises and at different intervals, but we all experience fear and pain. Pain is not to be avoided. We must work with our pain — study it, comprehend it and embrace it. Yet fear is to be avoided by all means. What we fear we draw to life, and in this way we unknowingly choose to manifest our fears instead of our possibilities. Do not be afraid to experience pain. Embrace its purpose and meaning as necessary to cultivating self-awareness. But do abandon the accompanying fear with no remorse.
4. The lesson of life purpose.
We all have a life purpose but many of us either haven’t discovered it or haven’t enacted our true calling. When we act on our talents, inherent abilities and natural likings, we notice that success comes more easily. In this way we also attach love to what we do. Then, we no longer regard work as a job but as a calling. This lesson reminds us that we have a real reason to be here that must satisfy both our life purpose and provide financial security. Integrate your vocation into what you do, whether it’s as a full-time or part-time job, volunteer work or even as a hobby you practice each day.
5. The lesson of relationships.
Relationships are our link to the outside world. More complexly, they are a reflection of our innermost issues, desires and shortcomings. In a most ironic way, relationships both play on and supplement what we lack. Your partner is meant to be the missing piece to you, but he or she will also force you to work on the pieces missing inside. By meeting the challenge of relationships, we can enjoy healthy, loving connections with those around us and, most importantly, with ourselves. We can transform ourselves by resolving the personal problems we see playing out in our relationships. Begin by acknowledging the recurring issues you experience with others, then work within.
6. The lesson of stability and change.
Stability and change must fluctuate in a fair balance. We cannot constantly endure periods of change yet stability emerges from these unpleasant shifts. Never an easy task, we are nudged out of our comfort zone by unexpected change. The key to coping with change is understanding that your comfort zone is not a set of outside circumstances but a golden place within you. Know also that change in itself is transitory, temporary, and only leads to new solid ground.
7. The lesson of progress.
The sum of all lessons, the lesson of progress teaches us that — simply put — life goes on. We may emerge hurt from our trials, but our scars act as tough, resistant guards against future damage. Progress is made when we learn from prior mistakes and exercise new actions that yield different results. If we act differently than we have in the past, genuine progress can be made. And the direction in which we progress is based solely on our decisions.
Far superior to a formal education, life is our greatest teacher, sending us down winding paths to help us gain a profound awareness of our potential. We may be tested, but by recognizing the truth of our tests and applying necessary wisdom, we can triumph over every one of life’s challenges.
To overcoming your challenges,
Dr. Carmen Harra
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/life-lessons_b_4565405.html
Mark Radcliffe considers it an honor to date a divorced woman. Here’s why.
A female friend of mine got divorced recently, and confessed to me how much she dreaded now having the “divorced” label hanging over her head as she re-entered the dating pool, like some modern day version of the scarlet letter. That she, too, had failed to make it work, and men would recoil from her in disgust, running for the nearest 20-something as soon as possible.
But I for one, think being divorced can actually be a stamp of awesomeness to we men willing to look past the stigma. I think this experience actually means you’re a cut above your never-been-married friends. And here’s why:
1. You’ve experienced loss, and rebounded from it. You have courage, resilience, strength. That’s an attractive trait to men looking for a worthy partner.
2. Hey at least you dared to get married! You took a swing at love, rather than just playing it safe on the sidelines. You placed a bet in the lottery of life, and while it didn’t work out, you can dust yourself up and try again. Hell, even George Clooney couldn’t make his first marriage work.
3. You know it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong. And are maybe more willing to wait for the right guy than jump into something just to have a body next to you. You don’t feel “incomplete” if you’re not in a relationship, and are maybe becoming a better person each day that you’re on your own.
4. You now know (if you didn’t before) that love takes work. That it doesn’t just magically take care of itself, and float along in a some happy, pink cloud surrounded by unicorns and cotton candy. You know that both parties have to commit to supporting each other and making compromises on a daily basis. This, too, means you’ll have a more realistic and mature approach to your future relationships.
5. You had the balls (irony intended) to walk away from something that wasn’t working. You stood up and said, “No, I won’t stay in something that’s a lie.” And that means you have standards. Principles. And me, I like a woman who takes a stand. And isn’t afraid to face some public scorn in the process. Where others see “scandal,” I see strength.
6. Maybe you’ve recognized that you’ve made a mistake–either in your own actions, or simply by marrying someone else who was making a lot of mistakes. And that’s incredibly valuable for your future partners in life, because you’re clearly humble enough to accept criticism and question yourself.
7. You probably now have a deep knowledge of what sexually satisfies you (and what doesn’t). And that’s rare for women and men. And your future relationships will benefit significantly from that.
8. Maybe you were the one who walked away, and now know what “Mr. Wrong” looks like, so you’ll better able to spot “Mr. Right.” Your bullshit detector is now iron-clad, and you realize you don’t always have to “stand by your man.” Because a lot of guys don’t deserve to be stood by. You’ll be less likely to fall for bullshit more able to identify a true heart.
9. Or maybe you yourself realize you weren’t such a peach, yourself. That you have things to work on in your character, personality or attitude. But that willingness to accept fault is also incredibly attractive to the right guy. You’ve recognized you’re not perfect? Congrats, most of us never get there. We’ve got shit to work on, too. It’s nice to have some company.
10. You know what it’s like to watch love slip away, and you’re more able to keep it from happening again, to have the tough conversations that need to happen. Hell, maybe you can help us prevent us from losing our way, too, if we drift.
11. Because you look wonderful when you walk down the street alone, unafraid, cool and confident. When you sit at the bar with no one next to you, it doesn’t bother you a bit. You kind of even seem to be enjoying it. Which makes us want to be next to you all the more.
12. So you’ve got a few scars. They make you more interesting. You’ve suffered pain and loss, so you value joy and happiness more than those who’ve never lost it. You’ve experienced a wider range of emotion in life, and have a deeper appreciation for the highs & lows.
If you’re worried about the future, please don’t. Believe that your best years are ahead of you. Because there are those of us who find you all the more appealing for the battles you’ve won & lost. Who find you much more interesting and inspiring for having a few kinks in your armor and some stories to tell.
And maybe you’ll find one of us wanting to be by your side sooner than you think.
But, maybe you’ll be just fine without us.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/14-reasons-why-divorced-women-rock-gmp/
Divorce is rarely easy, but for mums already struggling to balance their work and family responsibilities it can be harder to cope with.
While you may want to curl up in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself, abandon your responsibilities and head off traveling, or leave your troubles behind and make a fresh start somewhere new, you’re often trapped by finances, your career or business, children and mortgage.
You need to get up every morning, paste a smile on your face and go through the motions of your day – getting the kids ready for school or nursery, attending to the demands of your boss or clients, and taking care of your home.
It can feel like the rest of the world is getting on with their lives while yours has ground to a halt. But it doesn’t have to feel that way.
Some people find divorce easier to deal with
As counsellor and hypnotherapist Susan Leigh explains, some people seem to find it easier to bounce back after divorce. Maybe they had time to get used to the idea, or even instigated proceedings themselves.
Or perhaps they’re just better equipped to cope with negative experiences. And if so, why is that? What do they do differently that enables them to recover and move on from divorce more easily, and build a new, confident happy life on their own?
How to get back on your feet after divorce
To help you navigate your new, post-married life, Susan shares her advice on how to get back on your feet after divorce or separation.
Change your perspective
Consider your perspective on life. Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.
Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?
Try to take a fresh look at your life. Can you reframe situations or events? View things from a different, more optimistic angle? After all, how we see and experience our life is what makes our reality, and we have more control over that than we often believe.
Treat setbacks as lessons
Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed – there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all you loved each other once, didn’t you?
Hurt, disappointment and rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.
So instead of getting stuck in a rut of anger and hurt, take something positive from what you perceive as injustices and failures. Think how you can do things differently in future – and move from a feeling of helplessness to a growing sense of empowerment.
Value what you have in life
Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Before they divorce, many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy.
They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone. After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.
So if you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself, try to count your blessings. Take a moment to recall how bad or lonely you felt in your lowest moments in your relationship, and then contrast that with the positive things in your life now – the freedom to choose your own decor in your new home, the support of your friends… anything that helps you to appreciate your life now.
Give yourself credit
Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. It’s easy to focus on everything we have yet to do, or aren’t doing well, but in fact there are plenty of ways that you are making positive progress in your life – so celebrate them.
You may start small initially after your break up, making new friends, and learning how to manage on your own. Even taking over jobs that were previously your partner’s domain is a big step towards independence.
So praise yourself when you make a difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, or learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.
Surround yourself with positivity
We absorb energy from the people and things around us, so make sure you surround yourself with positivity.
Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people – people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along occasionally if they suspect you need it.
Steer clear of friends, family and colleagues who enjoy moaning or tend to see life from a negative perspective and seek out people who make you feel excited, content, energised and happy. And give your home a positive energy makeover to help boost your mood.
Find time for reflective interests
Learn to use your free time well. If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively – maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside.
Yes, it’s important to catch up with work and household chores, but commit some time to yourself as well and do things that revive you. So find activities that you enjoy, and make sure you prioritise them – whether it’s a quiet activity at home or getting out with friends.
Not only will this help fill you with energy and happiness, but can also help to distract you when your children are spending time with your ex. Instead of pining for them or wondering what they’re up to, you’ll be too busy enjoying yourself!
Spend time on your home
After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.
Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cosy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about your home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in and to be comfortable about returning to.
Plan things to look forward to
Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to. Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.
Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organise trips with friends or colleagues.
Volunteer
Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands.
Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.
(As an extra benefit, volunteering can also be a great career boost.)
Say yes to invitations
Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone.
Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.
Discover a new you after divorce
Divorce isn’t just the end of your marriage or life as you knew it – it’s also an opportunity to create an exciting new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself.
There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.
Source: https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/get-back-feet-divorce/
Everyone fails in life, and failure can be a crushing experience. The only thing that separates successful people from the rest is how they respond after they fail.
When facing obstacles, you have to decide if you’re going to let them be the excuse for your failure or if you’re going to make them the story behind your success.
“There is no failure. Only feedback.” -Robert Allen
When you adopt the right attitude, failure is a great teacher. Failure interrupts your routine and gives you an opportunity to explore new solutions, but only if you have the right attitude.
Psychologist Albert Bandura conducted a study that showed just how great a role our attitudes play in the face of failure. In the study, two groups of people were asked to complete an identical management task. The first group was told that the purpose of the task was to measure their management abilities. The other group was told that the skills required to complete the task were improvable and that the task was merely an opportunity to practice and improve. The trick was that the researchers made the task so difficult that all participants were bound to fail, and fail they did. The first group—feeling like failures because their skills weren’t up to snuff—made little or no improvement when they were given opportunities to repeat the task. The second group, however, saw each failure as a learning opportunity, and they performed at progressively higher levels each time they attempted the task. The second group even rated themselves as more confident than the first group.
Just like the participants in Bandura’s study, we can either view our failures as reflections of our abilities or as opportunities for growth. The next time you catch yourself wallowing in the self-pity that often accompanies failure, focus on what you can control: your attitude.
Some of the best lessons in life are also the toughest to accept and to adopt the right attitude toward. These are the lessons that challenge your flexibility and willingness to learn. When we don’t embrace them soon enough, the lessons we learn turn out to be harsh ones.
1. The first step is always the hardest. When you want to achieve something important, that first step is inevitably going to be daunting, even frightening. When you dare to make that first move, anxiety and fear dissipate in the name of action. People that dive headfirst into taking that brutal first step aren’t any stronger than the rest of us; they’ve simply learned that it yields great results. They know that the pain of getting started is inevitable and that procrastination only prolongs their suffering.
2. Good things take time. Success, above all, requires time and effort. Author Malcolm Gladwell suggested that mastery of anything requires 10,000 hours of tireless focus. Many successful people would agree. Consider Henry Ford, whose first two automobile businesses failed before he started Ford at the age of 45, or author Harry Bernstein, who dedicated his entire life to writing before he finally landed a best-seller at the age of 96. When you finally do succeed, you realize that the journey was the best part of it.
3. Being busy does not equal being productive. Look at everyone around you. They all seem so busy, running from meeting to meeting and firing off e-mails. Yet how many of them are really producing, really succeeding at a high level? Success doesn’t come from movement and activity; it comes from focus—from ensuring that your time is used efficiently and productively. You get the same number of hours in the day as everyone else, so use yours wisely. After all, you’re the product of your output not your effort. Make certain your efforts are dedicated to tasks that get results.
4. You will always have less control than you want. There are too many extenuating circumstances in life to control every outcome. You can, however, control how you react to things that are out of your control. Your reaction is what transforms a mistake into a learning experience and ensures that a victory doesn’t send your ego through the roof. You can’t win every battle, but with the right attitude, you can win the war.
5. You’re only as good as those you associate with. You should strive to surround yourself with people who inspire you, people who make you want to be better. And you probably do. But what about the people who drag you down? Why do you allow them to be part of your life? Anyone who makes you feel worthless, anxious, or uninspired is wasting your time and, quite possibly, making you more like them. Life is too short to associate with people like this. Cut them loose.
6. Your biggest problems are mental. Almost all our problems occur because we time travel: we go to the past and regret things we’ve done, or we go to the future and feel anxious about events that haven’t even happened. It’s all too easy to slip into the past or jet into the future. When you do, you lose sight of the one thing that you can actually control—the present.
7. Your self-worth must come from within. When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from comparing yourself with others, you are no longer the master of your own destiny. When you feel good about something that you’ve done, don’t allow anyone’s opinions or accomplishments to take that away from you. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself with others and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re never as good or bad as they say you are.
8. Not everyone will support you. In fact, most people won’t. Some people will inundate you with negativity, passive aggression, anger, or jealousy, but none of this matters, because, as Dr. Seuss said, “Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.” We can’t possibly get support from everyone, and we definitely can’t spend our time and energy trying to win over the people who don’t support us. Letting go of the opinions of people who don’t matter frees up time and energy for the people and things that do.
9. Perfection doesn’t exist. Don’t seek perfection as your target. It doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and what you should have done differently, instead of moving forward, excited about what you’ve achieved and what you’ll accomplish in the future.
10. Fear is the number one source of regret. When all is said and done, you will lament the chances you didn’t take far more than you will your failures. Don’t be afraid to take risks. I often hear people say, “What’s the worst thing that can happen to you? Will it kill you?” Yet, death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you—the worst thing that can happen to you is allowing yourself to die inside while you’re still alive.
Bringing It All Together
Successful people never stop learning. They learn from their mistakes and they learn from their triumphs, and they’re always changing themselves for the better.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-travis-bradberry/10-harsh-lessons-that-wil_b_14422346.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
