Divorce can leave you feeling like love is impossible. Quentin Hafner opens the door to finding love again—and making it last.
I recently gave a talk to a group of awesome people at Mariner’s Church who were either recently divorced or in the middle of a divorce. I was asked to talk to the group about what’s involved in finding love again after a divorce and how people can successfully navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of new relationships post divorce. In my experience as a therapist working with lots of people who have gone through a divorce, I’ve found there are “4 Essentials” that are necessary to finding lasting love post divorce, and if we work to ensure we have these “4 Essentials” integrated in our lives moving forward, our chances of getting everything we want in our next relationship is within our reach!
1. Developing Awareness:
The first essential in ensuring lasting love post-divorce is our ability to develop insight and awareness regarding some things about ourselves and our relational qualities (or lack thereof). This can be difficult for people to take a look at. To the degree that we can take an honest and objective appraisal of personalities, character, and relational qualities, will dictate our ability to be relationally successful in the future. We need to have a clear understanding of:
- What was our contribution to the relationship ending?
- What are the growing edges of our personalities?
- What did we learn about marriage from our parents that we need to unlearn?
Many people, naturally, move through divorce in emotional pain and a need to see their ex as the “bad guy”. However, in nearly all divorces, with exceptions around abusive issues, we can attribute contributing factors to both parties for the ended relationship. This can be very difficult and requires objectivity, humility, and a deep desire to grow. Why is developing awareness important?
Research confirms that our chances to remain married significantly decrease with our second and third marriages. In fact, by your third marriage, you have nearly an 85% chance of divorce. This daunting statistic is the proof that most people do not diligently seek to develop awareness as described above. Instead, many people falsely believe that if they find “the right person”, their relational outcomes will be different. Research says otherwise. Increased awareness allows us to make better conscious decisions going forward and to avoid unconscious decisions from our history.
2. Developing Self & Other Compassion:
Generally speaking, people typically end marriages in two dominant emotional states: guilt ridden or resentful. Generally, the person who initiates the divorce (The Rejecter) tends to carry with them a heavy burden of guilty for “giving up”, or “walking away.” This person’s journey toward growth is to shed this guilt, which is often implicitly casted upon us from cultural shame regarding divorce. The Guilty Rejecter, may be more inclined to have loose boundaries in future relationships or “tolerate” more than they feel is right for them because of their sense of guilt. The Guilty Rejecters need to be on the lookout for how their guilt may be influencing their future relationship.
Then there are The Rejectee’s. These are the one’s who got “left” in the marriage, and these people tend to carry with them an unhealthy level of hurt and distrust into their future relationships. Because many Resentful Rejectee’s were caught off guard and felt abandoned when the relationship ended, they have a hard time trusting in future relationships. The Resentful Rejectee’s are defensive about relationships and many adopt a posture of “I don’t need anyone.”Developing compassion for ourselves is acknowledging, but not judging or condemning, which of these two emotional states most likely represents our current situation and working toward making small changes in the other direction.
Which one are you?
In our culture, divorce is still a dirty work with lots of negative stigma associated with it. Developing self-compassion is coming to the realization that staying married isn’t always better than divorce, despite our culture’s tendency to see divorce versus staying married in such dualistic, win versus lose scenarios. In fact, in some ways, going through a divorce is a healthier decision than staying in a degrading, life-sucking marriage only to appease cultural norms and placate our ideas of what we think we’re “supposed to do.” As a couples therapist, I believe having a happy and successful marriage is difficult to achieve, but it’s doable. About 10% of the general population have one. Don’t beat yourself up for your divorce. Many, many, people who are married are not any happier than you who are newly single. Trust me.
3. Developing a Clear Road Map of Desire:
Often times, people are so emotionally numb, or emotionally distraught from their marriage ending that they have a hard time seeing a “vision” for the relationship they desire in the future. And many people simply have no clear and intentional ideas of what they’re looking for. To achieve the relationship of your dreams, we have to first know what it is exactly we’re looking for.
Ask yourself and spend lots of time reflecting on detailed questions such as:
- What do I want in a potential mate, what do I not want?
- What are my most deepest needs?
- What things are absolutely essential?
- What positive feelings am I looking for? And which negative feelings am I trying to avoid?
- What kinds of things do I like in a partner, and things I don’t like?
- What are my essential must haves? And what are my essential “bottom lines” to avoid?
- It can provide a sense of freedom to those who have been stifled in past relationships.
- It can help people gain a sense of hope in new possibilities.
- It can help you explore what you’re looking for in a new mate.
- It can make the transition between marriage and single life more tolerable.
- You’re ready to commit and settle down right away.
- Your new relationship is “everything” your ex wasn’t.
- Caution: There are large amounts of oxytocin running through your brain and you’re not thinking clearly.
- You have found “The One.”
Remember, rebound relationships are not necessarily bad. Just try to understand this relationship for what it is, and what it’s providing you without judgment or condemnation and be cautious to move too fast with your new relationship.
4. Developing Increased “Relational Intelligence”:
Being single after a recent divorce can be a wonderful opportunity to learn, or relearn all of the tools and skills necessary for a successful relationship. Many couples divorce not having these skills, and naturally move into future relationships with this skill deficit. Without these basic skills, we will simply have no chance at having a successful marriage. And if you think you have these skills mastered, you can always ask your ex what he or she thinks of your skills set in this department. Areas we need to grow in are:
- Learning how to be effective communicators.
- Stating your feelings and thoughts clearly (and owning them)
- Reflective listening skills
- Developing empathy skills
- Learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way.
- Understanding your underlying feelings
- Know and implement basic fair fighting practices
- Learning how to set healthy limits and boundaries (for yourself and others)
- Learning how to express your needs to your partner
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/four-essentials-lasting-love-after-divorce-fiff/
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