Your child's happiness and comfort should be your priority
Seldom is the decision is sudden; divorced dads typically know well in advanced when their ex will be getting remarried. Regardless of the details of their courtship, the new union will not sit well with any parent that does not have primary or sole custody. There are so many factors to this addition to the family, it can be hard to know how to react. The most important thing is always the kids, but where does their father fit in?
Some feelings are completely natural; men may feel a need to compete for the affection of their children or prove their worth through material gifts. It almost feels like this other guy, who has no connection with your kids other than being married to their mom, is barging in and disrupting the delicate balance that already exists in a separated family. While we frequently hear in our society about how hard it is for a divorced woman to see her ex-husband get remarried, it can be equally challenging when the tables are reversed.
Read on for some tips on how to deal with a new stepfather in your children's lives.
Dealing with Your Feelings
So, how does a dad deal with these feelings? How can he still stay the "father" to the kids when there is another man in their daily life? First, it is important to recognize that it is best for the children to have a positive relationship with their stepfather in their new blended family.
Regardless of how you feel, he has a major presence in their life.
Creating distance between the kids and the new stepfather is a sure recipe for failure. Having Mom remarry is already a difficult reality for any child, and it would be twice as hard if their father works to undermine it. So, talk to the kids about their new stepfather and help them adjust to the new reality.
Putting their well-being ahead of your new competitive feelings is a good first step.
Don't Compete with the New Stepfather
Sometimes dads who find themselves in this situation will try to compete with the new stepfather by being a "Disneyland Dad," and giving his kids everything they want and being really relaxed with rules and standards. It is natural to want the kids to have more fun with you than with him. But allowing the rules to go out the window and letting them get away with anything does not do the children a service. In fact, maintaining consistency in your relationships with the kids will actually be positive when so much in changing in their world otherwise.
Don't Put Down the Stepfather
You probably will not get along with or like to be around the new guy. Still, it is important for your children to see that you respect him and their mother. If you do the opposite, say, by giving the impression that this is a person that your kids should not respect or take seriously, you will find yourself struggling with the entire family. Say nice things about him and their mom whenever you can.
That said, if the guy exhibits risky behaviors, you have to protect your children. A custody challenge could be warranted if the stepfather is verbally or physically abusive, or if he is regularly overly intoxicated, or if there are other violations upon your children.
Talking to Other Dads Who Have Been There
Opening up to another separated father may be outside your comfort zone, but it is the best way to gain perspective. You will have the chance to see how others have handled this transition and whether the experience was good or bad, which will help you find your own best path. If you don't know any non-custodial fathers with this kind of experience, find a fathers support group near you.
Have a Great Life Outside of Your Family
Get involved in activities outside of work; service clubs, PTAs, and the like will give you some release. Stay healthy and physically active. A good life balance will help you, in the long run, to keep being a positive influence on your kids and will put many of these things into perspective.
Your children need their father to be a positive, fun and loving influence in their life.
While they should also have a good relationship with a stepfather, the best thing you can do is to be their real dad, to live up to your obligations and to be a positive and upbeat part of their lives.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/coping-with-your-kids-new-stepfather-1270393
One of the hardest moments for a divorced man is when his ex-spouse remarries. Learn what you can do to prepare for her remarriage and how you and your kids will cope when your ex-wife remarries. Recently, I had a call from one of my good divorced friends who just got the news that his ex was remarrying, asking for some divorce advice. Even though their relationship after the divorce was not that great, it was still quite an emotional blow to him.
Steve told me, "I didn't think I would feel this way. I guess I just assumed that even though we were divorced, I would always be her one and only and that no man would ever take what had been "my place."
Steve was experiencing some of the feelings that many men know as his former spouse announces her engagement to someone else. While some men may rejoice when their ex remarries ("The end of alimony!"), others have feelings of loss and even depression.
"While I know that the marriage is over, I just hadn't thought about how it would feel to be replaced by another man," Steve told me. "I knew that she was dating other guys, but I just never thought she would remarry and maybe feel about someone else the way she felt about me once upon a time." So, if you have some weird feelings about your ex-spouse remarrying, how can you handle it and what should you do to make this moment of truth a little more manageable?
Prepare to Mourn
You may think that you went through all the mourning you would ever need when the divorce became final. And it certainly is a tough transition from married life to being a single dad, whether you have primary custody of the kids or not. But there is a new level of finality to the former relationship when the mother of your kids remarries.
So be prepared to have a rough time, and take the steps needed to mourn the loss of a relationship all over again.
She Has Moved On - You Need to As Well
Having your ex remarry is the best evidence that she has moved on with her life without you. When it happens, you need to tell yourself that regardless of how you feel now or felt at the time of the divorce, it is time to move on with your life without her. Some good visualizations can be helpful here. See yourself happy and fulfilled, having fun with the kids or with friends, and see yourself without her. Try to associate some positive feelings with the remarriage rather than just the negative ones.
Get Her Out of Your System
On a related note, as you make the decision to move on, you have to work to change your thoughts about her. Whether you ever fantasized about reconciling with her, those feelings are often behind the scenes in your mind after a divorce. Her marriage to a new guy totally deflates that fantasy, and you have to find a path in life that involves her only as the mother of your kids, not as a friend, partner, or even an enemy.
Keep Your Distance
Even if you have maintained a good relationship after the divorce, it is important to draw some new boundaries around her new marriage relationship.
Even if you are invited to the wedding, find a good reason not to go. And don't plan to just hang out around her place waiting for the kids or whatever; the new marriage changes all of those old relationships. Keeping a distance will help you avoid many unpleasant things associated with her new family situation.
Prepare Plans for the Wedding Day
Often, the actual wedding day can be a particularly traumatic moment. If your kids are attending, make sure arrangements are made to get them there and back. Sometimes grandparents are a good option for the kids on their mom's wedding day. Then you make some plans to stay busy and involved. Go out with some friends, or find a group to go camping or fishing with. Find a sporting event or a cultural event to attend. But don't let yourself sit around and risk down feelings.
Listen to the Kids
Speaking of the children, they may have some feelings of their own about their mom's remarriage. For them, it may also burst a fantasy about mom and dad getting back together. This is a good time to do a lot of listening to their feelings. Often, in the midst of their mom's excitement and planning, the children can become an afterthought. There can also be some nervousness about now having a stepfather in their lives. So make sure you are there for them and that you are addressing their needs and concerns as well.
Put Some Distance Between You and Your Former In-Laws
Many dads I know who go through a divorce still maintain a good relationship with their former in-laws. Some are even invited to family events, whether or not the ex attends. After your ex's remarriage, however, those moments become much more difficult. You can even inadvertently torpedo the relationship between your ex's family and her new husband. So another good boundary line to draw is to step back from a continued relationship with your former in-laws.
Respect Your Ex and Her Husband in Front of the Kids
Sometimes feelings about your ex's remarriage can negatively impact the children. As we have seen in so many families involved in divorce, alienating the kids needlessly from their mother brings regrets and damages long-term relationships with the children. Certainly, if the ex and/or her new husband are abusive or drug users, you have to try to protect the kids. But if not, then show respect for your ex and her new husband. Making sure the kids have positive relationships with both parents works best for the kids and for mom and dad in the long run.
Find Someone to Talk To
Finally, don't try to deal with these feelings alone. Find a support group, a good friend, or a counselor or clergy to talk with. Often, verbalizing the negative or jealous or depressed feelings can help you put them in perspective. As important as a good support system is after a divorce, it is even more important when your former spouse remarries.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/when-your-ex-remarries-1270174
