I'm afraid that she will grow up to hate me, that I can't show her how to be married.
It’s now been seven months since my decision to divorce and, while many things have settled in my mind and heart, there seems to be the same core of fears gripping on with both hands. Questions with answers that never satisfy, angst that haunts me at night. I’m positive I’m not alone in these fears, but they plague me nonetheless.
I am afraid…
That she will grow up to hate me.This is pretty extreme, I realize it, but it’s my number one fear. I’m afraid she’ll never get beyond her hurt enough to see the struggle I went through. That I didn’t flippantly leave her dad and turn her little world upside down. I hated my mom for years and years over something that, now as an adult, I totally sympathize with her over. How do I keep my daughter from making that mistake? How can I help her have compassion on my choices now rather than twenty years from now.
That I can’t show her how to be married. How in the hell am I supposed to teach her about marriage? I always assumed that I would show my daughter how to have a successful marriage by example, by being a walking advertisement for what a healthy, mutually exclusive relationship looks like. Will she ever heed my advice when I so obviously failed?
That she won’t want to be like me. Naturally, there are flaws in me that I’d never want her to model herself after, but when it comes down to it, who doesn’t want their child to be like them? I want to be good enough that, should she behave like me, she will have a good life. Have I messed up too much?
That she won’t open up and talk about it. Right before I moved out of town she started seeing a therapist who she really liked. I had such high hopes because my little girl, who historically refused to cooperate with counselors, actually LIKED this woman. But after just a few sessions the therapist left for another practice and sent us back to square one. What if she never talks to anyone again? What if she holds it all in, bottles up her feelings till they spill out in forms of depression, self-harming and eating disorders … oh-my.
That I will be blamed for everything unpleasant in her life. I don’t have the thickest skin and being told I’m at fault for anything sets off a panic in me like you wouldn’t believe. She very well could turn all of her life’s misfortunes right back onto me and the divorce I put her through. How will I handle that? Will I live year after year feeling like a scolded pet?
Now, let me balance some of this crazy talk with a little truth, because even I know that a tad of grace goes a long way. To date, I’ve managed to raise a lovely, caring human being and when I push these fears back for a moment I can admit that it’s unlikely that she should suddenly abandon her personality. She has always been reasonable and considerate and I need to plug into that reality when my anxieties rise to the surface. When I can’t find it in myself, I need to lean into people who love me and accept me. No parent is perfect, even the married ones, and all I can do is wake up each day and do my best, whatever my best for that day is.
"Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
–Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/my-5-biggest-fears-as-a-divorced-parent-dg/
For the kids’ sake, resist the urge to speak ill of your former partner.
Splitting up? No matter what twists and turns highlight your divorce or breakup saga, one truth emerges: The same problems that ultimately killed your relationship will probably continue.
Of course, breakups are infinitely more complicated when kids are involved. Essentially, there’s no “forever breakup,” because – ideally – you’ll always share responsibility for your kids. And while celebrities flout their no-conflict co-parenting arrangements, the rest of us grapple with nasty disputes over schedules, finances and life changes no one anticipated. Think about it. If you and the other parent had been able to negotiate, compromise and communicate about tough issues, it’s fairly certain you’d still be together.
Parenting is the toughest job around, and post breakup, both parents are in a difficult spot. You’re either trying to do the best for your kids cooperatively with someone you no longer want to share your life with. Or your former partner – the other parent – only sporadically accepts or deliberately abandons parental responsibilities.
If the other parent choses the irresponsible low road, you’re left with unexpected and staggering responsibilities. You understandably feel angry and frustrated. But always remember that kids figure out the other parent in their own time and in their own ways. They may not say it directly, but kids know which parent unselfishly loves and protects them and which parent skirts or ignores responsibilities.
Savvy single parents – despite painful breakup drama – recognize that bad-mouthing the other parent is never the right parenting choice. Here’s why:
Change is hard. Every breakup involves change. Your kids struggle with often unwelcome changes, too. Change can mean a new home, a different school or simply getting used to seldom seeing both parents together. Hearing a parent rant about things kids can’t understand or control leaves them feeling helpless and confused.
You’re the role model. We all struggle to manage uncomfortable feelings. If your kids witness you repeatedly venting anger or frustration without regard for their feelings, such experiences won’t be forgotten. Profanity and other careless language are quickly learned when modeled by a parent.
Online counts, too. Online support groups are often helpful. Counting on the privacy of such groups, however, may not be a wise choice. Anyone with sufficient motivation can obtain online information. Think about your own circumstances and possible consequences before you chime in. Finding a well-qualified therapist, keeping a journal or joining an in-person support group may prove better options.
You must heed the facts of life. All kids eventually realize they’re the biological half of the other parent. If one or both parents have been labeled a liar, cheat or something equally horrid, the damage to your kids’ sense of control can be significant.
Kids are not confidants. Sometimes single parents defend “talking truth” about the other parent because they fear their kids will somehow never make sense of what happened in their lives. So, they feel somehow justified in giving their kids a play-by-play report of what the other parent did or didn’t do. Such parental oversharing burdens your kids. And it doesn’t improve the situation or make you feel better. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, seek out the adult emotional support you need and deserve.
Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-02-20/5-reasons-not-to-bad-mouth-the-other-parent
In a co-parenting situation, speaking badly of the other parent in your child's presence can be detrimental to your son or daughter. Counselling psychologist Andreas Mphunga weighs in
Regardless of how badly a relationship may have ended, bad-mouthing the mother or father of your child is one of the worst things a parent can do. While this may cause the other person reputational harm, it could also negatively affect your child.
Andreas Mphunga says that much of the information that the denigrating parent is passing on to their son or daughter often isn’t factual and will stay with the child for a long time.
“The danger of bad-mouthing is that eventually the truth will come out, which could cause the child to resent you,” Mphunga says.
“It’s important to remember that the child has relationships with extended family members of the parent you’re speaking badly of. And these could be the people who correct everything the child has heard about their other parent, and so expose your agenda.”
Mphunga says the child will feel stuck in the middle because while one parent is feeding them certain information, the other is saying something different. This means the child is forced to pick sides.
“Eventually the child’s relationship with both parents will be compromised because they might refrain from investing too much of themselves in the parent who’s being bad-mouthed. Later on, when they discover the truth, the relationship they have with the parent who had been spoken ill of will be compromised,” Mphunga explains.
“Then it might be difficult for the child to build a stronger relationship with that parent and essentially it’s the child that’s left alone in the middle.”
The youngster will also internalise guilt and shame as a result of the situation. “As the child grows up and starts thinking more deeply about the situation, he or she might feel a sense of guilt and shame, wondering whether they were unfair to one parent and whether they gave one more of a chance, forgetting they’d been dictated to and influenced,” Mphunga explains.
Your child might also end up internalising your “hate” – they may take everything you say about their mother or father as something you’re saying about them, because there are elements of the child’s identity that are linked to the parent being belittled.
“The child is likely to think that, ‘Because I am an offspring of my other parent, and judging from what I’ve heard about them, I myself am impure,'” Mphunga says.
He stresses that parents need to understand that belittling the other parent is more detrimental to the child.
“Parents need to stop pushing their agendas onto their children. It’s important to let the child experience each parent organically and to draw his or her own conclusions, with no outside negative influence.”
Source: http://www.destinyconnect.com/2017/05/03/bad-mouthing-parent-worse-effect-child/
After a divorce or separation, a time comes when new relationships start forming. For some this might start soon – even before the separation - but for others it can be years before they feel ready for another personal relationship.
Whenever it happens, it’s worth bearing in mind that new relationships can have an impact on your children and your ex. While it can be an exciting time for you, it might be unsettling for the other people in your life.
If you are the parent with the new partner
When parents start new relationships, it can be tough for the children. They might feel:
- jealous that they no longer have you to themselves
- sad that you and your ex aren’t getting back together
- insecure about competing for your attention
- frightened of losing you to your new partner
- resentful of having to get used to more change
- anxious about the other parent – will the other parent feel more alone? Will the other parent mind if you like the new partner?
Some children will of course feel very positive about new partners, seeing it as a sign that their parents are happier and getting on with their life.
See the final section below for tips on supporting children through a difficult transition.
If your ex has a new partner
If you and your children feel delighted or even relieved when your ex meets someone new, you can skip this section!
But if you are upset, shocked or surprised to hear your ex is seeing someone, you may need to call on friends and family to give you some support to adjust to this new development. You may wonder how the new relationship will affect the children. If you and your ex are on good terms, you may be able to talk through these worries together.
If you don’t have this kind of relationship with your ex, or if emotions are running high, the introduction of a new partner can be fuel to the fire. If one parent insists that the new partner should spend time with the children and the other parent doesn’t agree, successful parenting arrangements can fall off the rails.
If your children start complaining and criticising the new partner, or even if they just want to spend more time with you, or if they alarm bells can start ringing.
Your initial reaction might be to plough in and give your ex a piece of your mind, or even to make the contact conditional on the new partner not being there.
Take a moment to consider an alternative explanation. You’re hurting. Your children can see that you’re hurting. What do you think their response to this might be?
Children worry that they are betraying their other parent if they accept a new partner. One way of proving their loyalty to you is to say they don’t like the new partner. These loyalty conflicts are particularly bad if parents don’t get on.
They might want to spend more time with you because they are worried about you.
If you are worried about the impact a new partner is having on your children and you are sure that they are not telling you what they think you want to hear, then ask to speak to your ex.
If you are the new partner
Meeting and being your partners’ children can be daunting – getting involved in their lives even more so. You will want to support your partner’s relationship with the children and hopefully get along with them too. It can be a minefield. The following tips can help you tread the right path:
- Allow the relationship to develop slowly. Don’t expect the children to love you or even like you initially. Aim for a relationship where you respect each other and treat each other fairly.
- Be prepared to accept a back seat when the children are around. Accept that your partner’s first responsibility is to the children.
- You are not a substitute parent. Be supportive but don’t expect to take on a parenting role.
- Don’t criticise, complain or even joke about the other parent in front of the children.
- Remember that part of being a good mum or dad is having a good co-parenting relationship with the other parent. Accept that there will be communication between your partner and their ex about the children.
- Try to understand the loyalty conflicts your partner might experience and offer an empathetic ear when your partner feels stuck in the middle.
- If there are disagreements between your partner and their ex, remember that you are only hearing one side of things.
Best tips for helping children with new partners
- Try to avoid introducing new partners straight after the separation. Children need time to adjust to their parents being separated first.
- Only introduce children to someone you want to be part of your everyday life.
- Take it slowly at first and be sensitive to your child’s reactions. Just because you think your new partner is great doesn’t mean that your children will agree.
- Tell the other parent about your plans before this person is formally introduced to the children. Reassure your ex that the children are still important to you, and be prepared to have a conversation about your new partner’s involvement.
- Make sure you and the children have some alone time without your new partner. This is especially important if the children don’t live with you.
- Be clear that the new partner is not a substitute parent. A new partner should behave as any responsible adult would towards children but this is very different from taking on a parenting role.
- Support your children in adapting to the reality of life moving on. Answer their questions but respect their wishes if they don’t want to talk about the new partner.
