Divorce, The Holidays and Feelings of Guilt

There can be few emotions so corrosive and disruptive to our wellbeing and progress through life, as guilt.

When I divorced I remember that feelings of guilt seemed to arise from many different events, situations and sources; guilt for the failing of my relationship, for not giving myself the happiness I felt I deserved, for the hurt caused to my family and most of all, for not providing my kids with the secure, stable and loving family that I’d enjoyed all my life.

Guilt strikes us from out of nowhere, we may be able to rationalise and explain it away but it can linger nonetheless as we reflect on the past and second-guess our thoughts and actions.

The challenge with guilt is that regardless of the circumstances of our divorce and whether we treat it as our ‘fault’ or not, there is ample opportunity for us to feel bad for our part in the failing of things and guilty for the knock-on effects for ourselves and those we love. We may not regret the decision to divorce and nor should we; positive steps forwards and life-expanding changes can be pursued off the back of difficult decisions. It is regretful though that inevitably there are hardships and pain to be dealt with as the effects of divorce unfold. It is in confronting these difficulties that guilt can so often hinder our ability to move forwards as we become stuck in the past

These feelings are all the more prevalent during the holidays and can be especially hard to handle at Christmas.

Christmas is conventionally a time to gather with family and to observe traditions whether religious or based on your family’s ways of celebrating. Whether you have kids or not, it’s conventionally a time to take stock and feel grateful for the year that’s past, to relax and recharge from it, and to prepare ourselves for the fresh start that the new year brings. All of these can be constrained and compromised by the challenges presented by divorce and the guilt associated with it.

We cannot simply flush-away the feelings of guilt but I’d like to share a few ideas that I found worked for me in combatting them, lessening their effects and minimising the degree to which they hindered my life and my ability to enjoy Christmas with those I love.

First and most simply, you must stop living in the past. Things have happened, you are divorcing, there will be hardship and challenge as you move forwards and this is unavoidable. What you cannot change is what has happened in the past or choose an alternate reality for the present. Feelings of guilt are undoubtedly attached to the events of the past and by constantly replaying these in your mind, you are rooting yourself in them and refreshing your guilty feelings. Let things go and focus on the present and on moving forwards.

Second, never underestimate your own resilience and strength to get through this. You feel guilty now because your attachment to the past is smothering your belief in a brighter future. What I’ve learned in myself and in others who’ve worked through times of adversity such as divorce, is that we ALL have a tremendous resilience and strength within us. We may feel weak and fearful at times, our belief may falter and our confidence may slip. With the passing of time and the growing of resolve we ALL have what it takes to make it through. At times when you struggle to believe that, don’t despair, but don’t beat yourself up over it either. Just accept that’s how you feel now, today and allow things to be better tomorrow. You’ve got more than this requires of you.

Third, remember that the same applies to your kids and those you love. Everyone has the ability to cope and to move on, most notably your kids who will bounce back, roll with the punches and move forwards. They will take their lead from how you act and react during your divorce. Of course there will be pain and hardship to be dealt with, they may feel sadness and question why things have to change, but if they see you moving on and focusing on building a new and positive life it will inspire them to be part of that and reaffirm their confidence in you, their biggest and most powerful role model.

Finally, and in reference to Christmas, cherish positive memories of the past but embrace the chance to form new memories too. There will undoubtedly be the happy memories of Christmases past that you wish you could recapture, but your focus now should be on creating new traditions, doing things that you perhaps were not able to in the bounds of your past relationship. Undoubtedly there will be the multiple celebrations with both sides of their separated family but for your kids Christmas will take on new meanings. Embrace this opportunity, make it into a positive outcome, and treat it as a chance to shape the future you want, not just to recover from your past.

All decent people will feel guilt for the past at times. It is down to us how we react to it and how we manage it in determining the impact it has in our lives. I hope that these pointers remind you of the simple things you can do to limit this impact, especially during the holidays when you are as entitled to relax, recharge and celebrate as everyone else.

I wish you and yours a very happy holiday season!