So, you feel you have done nothing wrong, yet your teen has created a story with you as the resident bad guy! Are your ears burning?
It is very hard when one or both parents involve the child in their agendas and it can be so detrimental to the child’s emotional well-being and subsequent relationship with the alienated parent. It can make the estranged parent feel angry, hurt, stressed and pushed out. It can be a lonely frustrating place to find yourself.
What can you do about it if you find yourself in that situation?
First and foremost, don’t despair and think it’s the end of your relationship forever. Parental break ups can be very hard for adolescents to integrate even when the split has been amicable. Teenagers go through huge emotional transitions that see them make all or nothing decisions and catastrophize their life when obstacles arise even temporarily!
Perception is reality and what he/she has experienced maybe very different to your view of what the relational history and facts are. Being wise enough to acknowledge that you have made a mistake, by seeing it from their perspective is the biggest investment tool in your positive relations bag. It smart and its strategic and will get you more of what you want than you can get by simply refusing to ever be wrong.
Here are some tips which may help in your efforts at reconciliation:
- Encourage them to tell you if you have upset them in anyway, “Please let me know so that I can sort it out and apologize.” Saying you are aware of where they are coming from, you understand THEIR view point and why THEY are upset even though YOU don’t necessarily agree, helps. Take responsibility for your part in this breakdown of your relationship. Whatever they “feel” — their view may be inaccurate but their pain is real. Denying their right to perception will only make things worse.
- Keep in contact even if it’s one-sided for the time being. Continue the emails, texts, or even hand-written letters, telling them how much they mean to you and why you are proud of them. If they refuse to accept these messages, write them anyway and keep them. You never know when the tide will change. Telling them later how you felt about them during that time will be a comfort and give you brownie points! They need to know they are loved unconditionally.
- Never criticize or disparage their Mum/Dad or others in their life, even if you think it or hear it from them first. When issues involving their other parent and you are brought up by your teen, don’t engage in conversations and don’t involve them in your relationship. Children do not need to feel burdened by their parents’ issues, and it may well come back to bite you in the future!
- At the same time, be firm but loving about your stance on issues that involve you and the family dynamic. It takes two for a relationship to be problematic.
- Be supportive and encouraging always. Stick to safe topics: school, friends, work, etc.
- Never give up trying to connect, they are still maturing psycho-emotionally, and teens go through a huge development stage between 18 and 25. As they learn more about the world and how to navigate relationships they will not see their loved ones in such black and white terms. The other parent is not so perfect after all! They will also begin to understand that it takes two to keep a loving relationship afloat.
- They may not yet legally be an adult, but they are not far off. So your relationship will soon change to one of two adults, when you are still a parent but in a different way. Treat them more maturely, by asking them lots of questions about their future goals and their opinions on things. Adolescent’s love it when they are asked their views and advice on issues or even whether should you buy a new car. It makes them feel empowered, and important.
- Always be wiser, stronger, kinder. It will hopefully be a great investment for the future adult to adult relationship.
Most importantly take care of yourself during this time of estrangement. Seeking support and relaxation is imperative to get you through and help to keep you on track.
A friend of mine lost contact with her teen daughter after an acrimonious split with her husband and, for many years, thought they would never reconnect. Her heart was broken. I knew that as a child this teenager had been loved dearly and nurtured by her Mum, and told her that the psycho-emotional ground work had been done, even if her teen was angry and distant now. I said to my friend once the teen reached her twenties she would start to change as she started to see the holes in her previous narrative. And she did.
A lot more happens at around 21, 22, 23 years old. That’s when young people tend to start understanding their parents as people with flaws like everyone else. They take a wider and further, lens when it come to their childhood experiences with their parents and sift through and collate what to them was, and was not, acceptable from the past. This maturing often means they create new perspectives that are more nuanced and gentler. Hey, maybe the old man/lady was not so bad after all!
We are all a work in progress!
Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-your-teen-sides-with-the-other-parent-after-divorce/
The gray area between staying married and divorcing is separating. What does this mean and what does it look like? There are more variations on this theme than any other, but most people don't usually opt for separation as a long-term solution. When we hear that a husband and wife are separating, most of us think that they are on their way to the divorce court. Couples who have reached this point have usually tried various interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track, but nothing has worked. The marriage is in a state of disrepair, so now there is nothing left to do but split up, separate, and then divorce.
However, rather than a means to an end, separation can be a helpful tool to stay together. This seems counterintuitive when a marriage is troubled and relations are fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse slipping away from us, we should merge together more, get as close as we can, and do more to "make the marriage work".
The thought of creating distance at such a time instills a great deal of fear of losing control of your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially challenging if the bond between the two of you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But employed carefully and skillfully (and usually with some type of professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
In this article, we'll explore the three main reasons why couples separate: to enhance their marriage, to gain perspective on their marriage, and to take a first step in the divorce process.
Separation to enhance the marriage
Separation between spouses does not always have to be incorporated just when the relationship is heading south. It can be used as a tool to improve relations. We're living in a time when there are many more variations on marriage than the traditional ideas we learned about in fairy tales or from older TV shows like Father Knows Best. Contemporary trends include couples living in separate towns for part of the time or living in the same town but in different homes.
Tom, a college professor, leaves his wife Laurie every September to teach the fall semester at a college in another part of the country. When he finishes teaching, he returns home to Laurie. Both Tom and Laurie cherish this arrangement because they have enough alone time to feel autonomous and enough togetherness to feel married. They describe their marriage as very strong and state that it would probably not be as good if they lived together 365 days of the year. Living apart enhances their relationship.
Another couple, Jane and Sam, live in northern California. This couple seriously considered divorce because of different parenting styles. When Jane was offered a job in Los Angeles, she took it. Unsure whether marital dissolution was going to be the end result, Jane was reluctant to completely move out of their home in Napa, so instead she rented an apartment in Los Angeles. She stayed in Southern California Monday through Friday and commuted home to the wine country each weekend to be with Sam and the kids.
What they soon discovered was that, even though their parenting styles never quite meshed, there was less conflict, because Jane was away most of the time. Sam, who was a househusband, had charge of the kids during the week, and Jane wasn't there to contradict his parenting style.
There are other married couples who choose to live in separate residences, whether a town away or down the street from each other, to simultaneously maintain individuality and partnership.
Living apart doesn't absolve either party from having to work on the relationship. What is crucial to understand is that these arrangements succeed only when there is good mutual communication and honesty about what works and what doesn't. Each spouse trusts the other and shares the same expectations. They both enjoy a sense of autonomy while sharing the goal of creating a healthier connection with each other.
Separation to gain perspective on the marriage
In 1999, Joan Anderson wrote a book called A Year by the Sea, in which she tells the autobiographical story of living by herself at her summer house for a full year to determine whether or not she wanted to remain in her marriage. Ultimately, she decided to reconcile with her husband, and the clarity she gained by taking care of herself in this way had a positive and powerful impact on her and the rest of her family.
Sometimes couples actually gain this perspective through their willingness to let go of the relationship. Living apart allows them to step out of the muck and mire, and get onto higher ground.
Couples can choose to implement such a nuptial time-out informally and on their own, or more formally and with professional guidance. In her book Should I Stay or Go?, therapist Lee Raffel helps couples create what she calls a "controlled separation." Following particular parameters (not unlike how an actual divorce situation would look, complete with temporary financial support, child custody visitations, and separate living quarters), each person agrees not to file for divorce during the controlled separation and to give the other as much distance as needed to get perspective or to heal past hurts. At the end of the agreed-upon term of separation (usually six months), the couple can reassess their goals with the hope of getting back together.
Of course, not everyone undergoing a controlled separation arrives at the decision to reunite, but it is a different spin on resolution that can be quite helpful to many couples.
Curt, the husband in a couple I worked with, told me that after his wife, Dianne, moved out, he felt such a sense of relief and renewed energy from being apart from her that he had no idea how he had lasted in the marriage for close to 30 years. For him, the break validated that leaving the relationship was the right decision.
The internal reactions people have to separating can be quite varied. However, this process will almost certainly bring you valuable information and insights about yourself and your relationship.
Separation as a step toward divorce
This is the form of separation that most people are familiar with. Couples who know they want to divorce have often lived with a great deal of discomfort or lack of fulfillment -- and usually for a very long time -- so being apart from their spouses can be welcome relief.
The split may be prompted by the fact that one or both partners have changed (or not changed), they are no longer in love, they no longer share common interests, a trust has been betrayed, or a crisis has caused them to reexamine their relationship.
These individuals or couples have crossed an invisible line of no return. While they may struggle with the "shoulds", such as "We should stay together because of the kids," they know in their hearts that the relationship is over.
When asked if there is any chance of reconciliation, they will give it anywhere from a 10 to 30 percent chance. It is a rare occasion when someone says that there is zero possibility of turning things around.
I surmise this, because with every major decision in life, there is a list of pros and cons that comes with the territory. Getting divorced is not necessarily a clear-cut or easy decision, even when there is tremendous abuse or neglect. Most people understand that they are trading in their uncomfortable "knowns" for some "unknowns", with no guarantee of any more happiness than the situation they are letting go of, but it is a chance they are willing to take to be more in alignment with their truths.
Once a couple is on the divorce track, the separation is not implemented with the purpose of getting a better perspective on the relationship (although this can happen); rather, it is part of the natural course as each party prepares to go his or her individual way. This is the "in-between" stage of the process.
Sometimes, living apart is necessary. The husband and wife can no longer reside under the same roof due to the level of anger, distrust, or animosity between them. Sometimes it just makes sense to begin the separation process by having one person move out. It can soften the contrast between being married and being divorced.
While not all couples live in separate dwellings during divorce proceedings, most do. In areas of the country where the cost of living is relatively high, some spouses have to live in the same house for economic reasons. This is often a temporary situation, and it's a rare couple who can actually continue living together after their divorce is finalized.
One housing option many parents choose these days to minimize the upheaval for their children is commonly referred to as "nesting". This is when each parent rotates moving in and out of the family home, while the children stay put. Each spouse may have his or her own apartment, separate from the other's apartment, or they may share the same apartment (since they aren't living there at the same time).
When you are considering ending your marriage, it is important to imagine what life might be like once the divorce actually happens and both spouses move on. Be as honest as you can with yourself and your partner, and try to maintain good relations. However, be aware that trying, at any cost, to preserve the sense of family to avoid hurting someone or maintain constancy for the kids can come back to haunt everyone later on.
Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/contemplating-divorce-separation
